Snob

The effect Instagram Stories have had on our lives is profound and probably not yet fully realized. When they first launched, a year ago today, the constant surveillance of your friends' every movement was already commonplace for teenagers, who had been using Snapchat and vlogging services for most of their lives. But teenagers don't really do much, so most of the posts take place in their bedrooms or in a car or at school.

Instagram Stories—more popular with Instagram's target audience of 20-somethings—tend to feature actual things happening: people getting wasted, dreamy vacation snaps, and parties you weren't invited to. They give an accessible, FOMO-ridden, moment-by-moment commentary of everyone else's lives, both intimate and anonymous. Most of us will happily leave unanswered messages from close friends to sit in WhatsApp overnight while aimlessly swiping through the Stories of people we haven't spoken to in years.

It makes sense then that the biggest impact Stories have had is on dating. Not since the launch of Tinder have romantic relationships been so shaken up by a piece of technology. That might be confusing to someone in a relationship because Stories do not offer any obvious way to flirt or meet new people. But let me explain, from the horrible trenches of single life, exactly how they do.

The Obvious Thirst Trap Story Formats

Originally, thirst traps were defined as "a sexy photograph or flirty message posted on social media with the intent of causing others to publicly profess their attraction." Over time—and thanks to Stories—this has become much more fluid—everyone is thirsty, everything is thirstier.

Stories have become such a hotbed there are recognizable tropes, too. Any mirror selfie or front- camera selfie (obvious); on or in bed in CKs or otherwise casual underwear; a screenshot of a song you're listening to—maybe you've spoken about it to the intended comments or you know people will engage with it. Or the classic: a roving front-camera video of you tilting your head, pouting, checking yourself out in the literal camera as it films, eye-fucking yourself and anyone else who is watching.

Here's how it works. You post a picture with one, two, or more people in mind. You want them to see it. They are doing the same. Then both of you engage in this strange mating ritual of seeing and being seen, validation and rejection, the ultimate power play. You lay the trap, they open the trap: the power is with you. They deliberately choose not to open it, to leave you waiting: the power is lost. But then they post a Story but you have been busy all day so you don't see it until the evening: you gain it back again. It doesn't end when you sleep together. It continues until it fizzles out, or you get in a relationship or hate each other.

If you have taken a photo that is too NSFW or just too blatant a thirst trap for a story considering the people who follow you, i.e. slobbering bros from work and your sweet aunt who devotedly likes every single one of your posts, then you can post it, go into story settings and hide it from as many users as you want. That way, the person that you want to see it thinks you're posting a casually half undressed photo of you on your story. Little do they know, there's only ten of them it's coming up for. You're basically DMing them a pic without them realizing your grim little motive.

A classic thirsty shot from yours

The Instagram Direct Inbox Has Revolutionized Sexting

There are two ways to feel after sexting. Option one: You look back over the profanity and feel a degree of pride at your ability to maintain high levels of spelling and grammar under pressure and wonder once again if you're off-the-cuff and spontaneous enough to do stand up. Option two: You scroll back on what felt, at the time, sexy and alluring but turns out to be just horrible, sexually aggressive threats and weird unpleasant pictures that just sit there limp on the screen.

Before modern technology you'd never see yourself in the eye of the storm; the mirror was never held up to the horny horror within. It's a confrontation we all must bear now, whether we like it or not and I'm taking a solid guess that most do not.

Instagram know this. Going from thirst trap story to Instagram Direct means you can move from public posting to private flirting seamlessly. What's more: you can delete messages. Genuinely, delete them. They never happened. If you said something bad you can make it disappear. Pictures and videos automatically delete after 24 hours and once you've opened them, you can replay once or never again. They've made sexting as innocent as Tinder made online dating.

People You Like Are Intensely Boring

Before Stories, it was easy to believe that someone with nice hair and a European sounding name was immensely fascinating. Then you find out they eat Raisin Bran every day for breakfast and spend Sundays at the pub with three men who look like they're all named Ben.

If you have any more than five stories—God forbid ten plus—then you have been "hidden" by me. No one is clicking to see your everyday routine, "Oh good, a row of dozens of tiny little rectangles, I can't wait to see a play-by-play of your entire day: from morning YouTube vids with your roommate to the office toilet selfie, to you walking along the road singing, on your way back home." Once you are known as one of these story posters, you are known. You are recognized by the community.

A picture of me walking around Peckham, England, looking like a dick

The Secret Meaning of Who Watches Your Stories First

When you post a Story, a list pops up of everyone who has watched it so far. But what order is that list in? Is it everyone I stalk from the top down? Is it everyone that stalks me from the top down? Is it some educated mix of the two worked out by an algorithm? This is the Instagram Stories question that has plagued us since its conception.

When I look at my list, it does seem like all the people I know want to sleep with me; the list features my best friends, known creepers, people who I know spend every second on their phones at the top. But it also looks a lot like everyone I want to sleep with plus my best best friends at the top. This distinction is so important. I have turned this over in my mind countless times.

So stressed am I by this that I emailed various people who claim to be Instagram's PR to get the following answer:

The list of people who view your Story is ordered based on a number of factors which include: people who recently viewed your Story and accounts you interact with the most on Instagram.

So. It's definitely not entirely random. It means something, but they won't tell us what. They are fucking with us.

You Cannot Hide Being Basic from Someone You Like

Teens today know not to do unrefined, illegal, or unemployable things on social media. They learned from the idiot generation who had no template for how to use the internet and were learning as we cyber bullied on Twitter and posted badly rolled joint pics on Facebook. If you—a 20-something—are on a one-way train to sitting on someone's roof in the drifting rain at 6 AM looking like The Ring victims listening to "Despacito" from a phone, then everyone you like and admire will know about it, because posting basic evidence is something we continue to do. We will not learn. This will either entice someone into your hole or repulse them depending on whether they are as much of a worm as you.

It's Too Fucking Easy to Accidentally Watch Someone's Story When You Just Want to Go in Their Page by Clicking the Circle Avatar Instead of Their Name

Scenario: You are at a friend's house on a summery evening, a few strong drinks deep to plough your way through the Sunday fear. You decide to show them the person you would comfortably kill a second cousin to sleep with—but whom you importantly do not follow on Instagram. You search them and clumsily hit their photo instead of their name. The entire screen is subsumed with an inane video. You instinctively thrust your phone across the room. Coming around to the screams of your friends—wait no those are your screams—you plunge to the floor, pick up the phone, turn it around, and catch the last of their long series of stories that have played automatically before the screen folds into a disappearing circle and you are back on the search page looking at the names of the people you stalk most frequently. You have "seen" every story.

You run into the bedroom and wish you could keep on running, smashing through the wall like a Looney Tunes character, instead you pick up the nearest pillow and into it you scream and scream and scream. Your friends laughter tinkles from the other room. For you this is the end; for them, banter.

People Who You Have slept with Will Be Your Most Loyal Viewers

I only watch stories of people that I a) want to sleep with; b) my closest friends; c) women whose skin I would like to wear as a sarong, that is to say who are successful, cool, and talented. However, some of the people who most religiously and quickly watch my stories are people I slept with once or a handful of times then we never spoke again, who had ghosted me, or are people who actively dislike me or exes.

We all know everyone stalks each other and have been doing so since Myspace and MSN. Now, we're so much more open about it. Since stories are so seemingly spontaneous and never-ending, watching them feels like a non-committal and less of a statement, which is probably why people we've slept with feel comfortable doing it. Similarly, the bar of circles just being there at the top of the app is so tempting.

With dating it leaves you thinking: Does this person want to sleep with me again? Are they leaving me on the back burner? Am I just some sort of weird trophy lay that they like to keep tabs on? WHY ARE YOU HERE?

The Thirst Will Never Stop

I don't want to overstate the importance of this strange documentation we do, but stories have overthrown hundreds of years of theories of desire. There is no unattainable anymore. If you've been watching someone's Instagram stories after adding them from Tinder or after only sleeping with them a few times, you know them intimately and that fact simultaneously makes them far more approachable and non-threatening while allowing you to fall strangely headfirst into their world. For some people this bores and repels them, for others, it makes them obsessed. Tinder, and the fact that we make first contact with potential lays via our phones now, means flirting is sadly almost non-existent in real life, and in its place are Stories. These weird, pointless, funny, boring, intriguing, puerile pieces of content.

Even if stories die, there will be something thirsty to take its place. As Slavoj Žižek said, "desire's raison d'être is not to realize its goal, to find full satisfaction, but to reproduce itself as desire." We are all trapped in this masochistic cycle of our own creation. Thirstier and thirstier until... death.

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INTP

You don’t listen to them. INTPs are natural “professors” and this means that they will have topics or stories that they feel like they need people to know. This doesn’t mean they need rapt attention and perfect silence all the time, just that you don’t pick up your phone while your eyes glaze over the minute they start talking.

ENFP

You take them for granted. ENFPs are natural people pleasers, but they have to know that all their hard work has some effect on you. You don’t have to throw them a parade, they just want you to occasionally thank them for everything they do, and let them know that it’s important to you.

ISFP

You are dismissive of them. ISFPs are naturally excited about the things and people they love, though it’s often hard for them to express it the way they want it. In other words, the fastest way to get them to hate you is to wait until they finally work up the courage to explain how they feel about something and then tell them you think that person or thing is lame.

ESTJ

You shoot down all their ideas. ESTJs like to bring you into the world that they’ve built by asking you to go places they like and try things they enjoy. ESTJs will quickly grow frustrated if you continuously refuse to let them show you things they love.

ESFJ

You micromanage them. ESFJ’s are generally relaxed, so the fastest way to make them hate you is to take over their schedule to pack it full. This doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy regular activities, just that if you try to make them break up their calendar into half hour blocks they will begin to resent you.

INFJ

You make them feel like they can never be good enough. This is one of the main stressors that INFJs put on themselves, so they don’t need it from the outside world. This is particularly true if they look up to you, as this naturally sensitive type will take it very hard.

ENTP

You belittle them. This type hates being talked down to more than any other MBTI type. This is because while they typically have high self-esteem, it’s usually mixed with a lot of self-doubt. This means that they will react to being made to feel small by reacting based off not only their wounded pride but also their reinforced feelings of inadequacy.

ISTJ

You make everything into a grand spectacle. ISTJs are naturally shy, and they put stock In doing things the right, humble way. This doesn’t mean they don’t want acknowledgement for the things they do, merely that they will not appreciate it if your praise feels like an empty yet ostentatious display of your own abilities.

ESTP

You make them feel trapped. ESTPs like to feel like masters of their own destiny, and they will begin to resent you rather quickly if you try to take that away from them. It is doubly interesting then that this personality often attracts smothering personality types, only to have to free themselves when they realize what has happened.

ISTP

You force them to be “normal”. ISTPs like to live their lives the way they wish, even if that is counter to what society wants for them. The fastest way to make them hate you is to present the world to them as strictly black and white, even if you say they’re on the “good side”.

ESFP

You are codependent on them. There is no quicker way to make an ESFP hate you than to immediately force yourself to be the most important person in their life. Cutting them off from their abilities to feel independent and have friends outside of each other will make them attempt to avoid you as soon and as much as possible.

INTJ

You are easily swayed. This type sees the world in mostly black and white, and dislikes people who cannot take a stand even on the most basic issues. If they see you as being weak-minded they will never rely on you and will almost certainly have a negative view of you.

ISFJ

You are flaky. One of the most important qualities to an ISFJ is that they can rely on someone. This is especially because they often don’t feel that they can rely on themselves and their own judgement and look to others to help guide them. Proving yourself to be unreliable will see you excommunicated from this type’s inner circle.

INFP

You are a stick-in-the-mud. This is doubly true if you attempt to inflict your stubborn judgements on other people. The INFP is a born bohemian, and does not take kindly to people trying to ruin their latest spontaneous idea. This doesn’t mean they won’t listen to sense, only that they will know and dislike it if you try to get them to not do something just because it doesn’t mesh with your ideas.

ENTJ

You are a bully. ENTJs are unlikely to waste time getting into a conflict if they could just ignore you, but they will immediately stop ignoring you if they think you are a bully to those that are weak. This does not stem from a desire to have control over people themselves, but more that if there’s one thing this type doesn’t like it’s people being unkind to others they view as being unable to handle it.

ENFJ

You are fake. ENFJs can sense when someone is fake almost immediately, and they will be even angrier with you if it takes them even a little while to recognize it. In addition, once they find someone who is fake they will use their natural charm to make sure that everyone else knows your true nature, in order to make sure that you can’t make anyone else feel the way they felt.

If there's anything the past year has taught us, it's that grown-ups are totally useless. They're responsible for climate change, they tanked the economy, and the ones in the White House are doing a pretty good job of wrecking American democracy.

So thank god for the teens, who are running their own magazine empires, fighting for LGBTQ rights, and not actually participating in the dangerous trends everyone thinks they do, like butt chugging or sex roulette parties where people swap STIs like old copies of Sassy.

According to a new survey of 2,000 British people aged 13 and over, 69 percent of teenage girls between the ages of 13 and 18 answered in the affirmative when asked the question: "Would you personally define as a feminist?" This compares to 46 percent of British women overall who said they identified with the label.

Researchers from media agency UM London said that teen girls were actually the age bracket most likely to define themselves as feminist out of all the women surveyed. The percentage of women who identified this way decreased correspondingly with age: 54 percent of women aged 18-24 described themselves as feminist, but only 44 percent of those aged 25-34 said they felt the same.

Read more: My 14-Year-Old Cousin Taught Me How to Be a Cool Teen

The group that was least likely to identify with feminism were those aged 55-64, as well as those aged 65 and over—only 36 percent of both groups said that they would personally define as a feminist.

"Our data suggests that feminism has disentangled from its stigmatized past where the term was considered something of a dirty word," says Sophia Durrani, the managing partner of strategy at UM London. "With seven out of 10 women aged 13-18 self-defining as a feminist (compared to less than 50 percent of all women) this is worth applauding.

"It suggests young women are now growing up in a world where they can't see why there should be any questions over equality. Young people are much more egalitarian-minded than ever before and we've moved on from empty 'girl power' talk to equality being a norm. This seismic shift could actually mean that a patriarchy that's been in place for thousands of years could be coming to an end.

"It's time we all stand up and take note."

There are men who wish to become eunuchs in the classical definition. For them, removing the entire penis and testicles can be a remarkably fulfilling, relieving experience, even though they may still identify as male and use male pronouns. In their online enclaves, such people sometimes identify as "eunuchs," "nullos," or "smoothies." In the medical literature, they are referred to as male-to-eunuchs, suffering from their own unique form of gender dysphoria.

Some of them journal their experiences in online forums, asking others around the world where they can go to have their penis and testicles totally removed, or plaintively debating historical research about the iconic eunuchs of China who inhabited the Forbidden City and served the Emperor with great influence and esteem.

Read more: Witches Allegedly Stole Penises and Kept Them as Pets in the Middle Ages

Because of the scarcity of providers, the expense, and the taboo nature of the procedure, patients who seek penile amputation have few options. Men who are seeking to nullify their sex often go to great lengths to find someone who is willing to help them. "There are very few surgeons in the world who are comfortable with this," says Dr. Curtis Crane, one of the nation's leading experts on penises. "I've done a few [full penectomies]. We get a few requests a year, and I think it's a good service to provide to the community."

Crane specializes in the treatment of transgender and gender nonconforming patients, providing everything from phalluses for female-to-male patients to vaginas for trans women. He is likely one of the only surgeons in the world who will provide nonbinary male patients with a full penectomy—and this, he says, is because of a social taboo and double standard in transgender medicine.

"I think it's a good service to provide to the community."

For example, Crane says that it is "well accepted" among surgeons who specialize in providing care to trans and gender nonconforming people that there is a subset of assigned-female-at-birth patients who "do not believe in a binary classification." These nonbinary individuals don't identify as men, but they still suffer from gender dysphoria. People in this group commonly "want the absence of female characteristics, such as breasts"—and this procedure is generally accessible for them, even if they don't want to go on Hormone Replacement Therapy, because surgeons who perform trans operations recognize their need.

"It's perfectly acceptable for a lot of us [surgeons] to go, 'OK, let's masculinize your chest even though you aren't fully transitioning,'" Crane says.

"Well, you know, what's good for the goose is good for the gander," he continues. "There are some patients that were born male who don't want to fully convert to becoming female, but they don't identify with their testicles, or they don't identify with their scrotum, or they don't identify with their phallus, but they still feel male; they want masculine pronouns. To me, it's a double standard to accept the gender fluid female, but not the gender fluid male."

A 2014 study by Thomas W. Johnson and Michael S. Irwig explored "the hidden world of self-castration and testicular self-injury," shedding light on the methods that people seeking castration resort to when they don't have access to professional surgical care. Though Johnson and Irwig wrote exclusively on castration, and not penectomy, their analysis of medical data on eunuchs is relevant to the broader group of men who seek these procedures.

The researchers define eunuchs as "biological males who have undergone voluntary castration for reasons other than male-to-female transsexualism," explaining that the taboo nature of these procedures lead "eunuch–wannabes" to "resort to self castration, castration by non-medical professionals, or self-inflicted testicular damage via injections of toxic substances." Because there are so few physicians willing to perform elective penectomies, "eunuch-wannabes" are forced to do it themselves, sometimes using cattle clamps and rings to aid their excision, or to try and find someone else will will perform the procedure for them.

Eunuchs are a secretive subculture. "According to one survey of voluntarily castrated males who identified themselves as eunuchs, only 30 percent and 11 percent had divulged this fact to close friends and family, respectively," Johnson and Irwig's study reads. Many eunuchs seem to identify as male, but others, as Crane indicated, find their identities to be less clearly defined. The study notes that "after castration, less than one-third of eunuchs continue to consider themselves as male, most consider themselves to be nether ale nor female, and a few identify themselves as female."

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

Of course, Crane wouldn't provide this treatment to just anyone. He follows a typical standard for patients seeking gender confirming surgeries, requiring two letters from psychiatric specialists who approve of the patient's desire, and need, to be castrated, to have their penis removed, or both. Crane says that, for some people, these treatments are truly medically necessary—which shouldn't be shocking if we can accept the medical necessity of other gender affirmative surgical procedures.

Today, Crane says, it is possible to completely remove both the entire penis and the testicles/scrotum, while rerouting the urethra down to an individual's perineum. Afterwards, patients should be taking hormone supplements. "It's not good to have no sex hormones. You get depressed; you get osteoporosis; you have no sex drive. You need either estrogen or testosterone." Most of Crane's patients begin taking a regimen of testosterone injections after their penis and testicles has been severed.

To some critics, the idea of removing an organ responsible for the primary production of testosterone in the male body, only to begin taking testosterone supplements, is illogical. However, Crane says that this is simply a misunderstanding of who these patients are, and what they need. "They don't identify with that body part—it's not that they want to have osteoporosis and be depressed. Fortunately there's a way to remove that body part and still fulfill the [body's necessary hormonal] function."

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Crane says that most of patients who have this surgery live their lives as men and then, after having their penis and testicles removed, leave to continue living their lives more or less the same way. The outside world likely will never have any idea that these individuals have no genitalia.

Though the patients who seek a radical penectomy and orchiectomy vary, Dr. Curtis Crane says that they're "kind of their own category" within our classifications of known gender identities. It's just that we have not yet accepted them. "Society has a lot of issues with men wanting to castrate themselves or remove their penis," Crane said. "They just don't like it."

If you’ve spent anytime around the internet, you’ll probably recognize the language of “alpha/beta male” that often gets thrown around to praise aggressive, dominating, and inconsiderate misogynistic behavior and insult anyone man who has the audacity to show any amount of common decency or consideration. In a new Adam Ruins Everything that tackles the messy and complicated world of dating, the host tears apart the notion of the alpha male as completely fake.

In other words: stop using pseudoscience to justify acting like a fucking caveman. You don’t need to punch a hole through the wall because you were mildly inconvenienced! There’s nothing manly about yelling abusive slurs at women who don’t agree with you! Stop repeating sexist pick-up-artist sayings just because they rhyme! Disparaging any kind of emotional vulnerability or kindness is a symptom of toxic masculinity, and resisting that should be praiseworthy rather than something to insult!

In the clip, Adam goes back to the notion of the “alpha wolf,” popularized by L. David Mech in 1977. However, when Mech tried to replicate his studies 20 years later, he realized that alpha wolves are just … devoted parents. The scientist renounced the term “alpha wolf” and fought to take his writing out of circulation, but the term persisted and evolved into the social phenomenon it is now. The host also goes into other biological misconceptions, like the idea that chimps are our closest relatives and their alphas win the position through aggression. (They aren’t, and they don’t.)

He also points out, “Human social hierarchies are constantly in flux … Unlike animals, no one is the same type of person in all situations. Human society is much more complicated than that. So to say that this guy is an alpha male or that guy is a beta male makes straight up zero sense.”

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Eli Roth’s remake of Death Wish just dropped its first trailer this morning, and let me tell you: it’s the most NRA-centric, Republican thing I’ve ever seen—and I survived 2016. Here, take a look for yourself.

Yeah, so, let’s unpack this slowly. For starters, you’ve got Bruce Willis walking around with a death wish (ha, get it), motivated to take revenge on gangs and “thugs” (read: people of color) because his wife was killed (read: fridged) in a home invasion turned violent tragedy. Oh, and his daughter was also assaulted, because won’t somebody please think of the children? So, you know, it reeks of the most tropey, flimsiest excuse to depict violence against the most stereotypical of enemies. Basically Hollywood schlock, right?

In any other time or space, I’d write it off as such and not really care about the spectacle. But the thing is, this isn’t just any time, and this isn’t just any space. Look, we live in a world where people of color are assaulted and even murdered in cold blood simply for existing in public. We live in a world where such brutality at the hands of the police is approved of—nay, encouraged—by our fascist puppet of a president. And here, you’ve got a movie that not only dismisses such realities, it straight up flips them off and reinforces the harmful, damaging narrative of how white people are the only “good people” who can wield a gun.

For starters, this trailer is a huge advertisement for the NRA. It’s “Good Guy With a Gun: The Movie.” It’s narratives like these that spur people into believing that “one good guy with a gun” is enough to justify the countless lives lost to senseless gun violence every day—and let’s be honest here, even in the context of this film, “good guy” is pretty relative. So, you know, never mind the fact that the “good guy with the gun” is a harmful, damaging myth. Never mind the fact that the presence of a gun never deters violence; most shooters carry out mass murders with the full intent of either killing themselves or committing suicide by cop. No, what matters to supporters of this movie is that they get to watch someone like themselves do what they undoubtedly want to do in their own lives: kill people who aren’t like them, and do so while being thought of as “guardian angels” or “revolutionaries.” Sickening, right? But wait, there’s more.

Take a look at the shot of Bruce Willis’ character, Paul Kersey, talking to the little kid in the hospital bed. He’s asking him who was responsible for the violence that landed him there, and the kid explains that it was a gang leader who works in his neighborhood. So what does Kersey do? He goes and exacts revenge on those folks. I mean, surely, that scene of Kersey talking to the kid is going to be held up as some shining example of why this movie is totally fair to people of color and as a justification of the ensuing violence. But what that scene actually accomplishes is nothing more than the reinforcement of a “white savior” narrative that, once again, plays into the whole “good guy with a gun” myth that we’ve already established as damaging and harmful. The people of color in this film are presented as poor, lost souls, so unsure of what to do until some white guy with a gun comes to save them all. Like, wow. “He’s a guardian angel!” they say. That is some white man’s burden, colonialist, white savior bullshit, right? And this film is totally doing its best to push that. Come on.

Go ahead and take a look at how Kersey’s dressed throughout the trailer. He’s walking around exacting his revenge while wearing a hoodie with the hood up. It’s about as pointed a reference as you can make with this trailer: white guy walks around with a gun killing people with near impunity while here, in our real world, Black kids can’t walk around with their hoods up lest they be murdered on the street “the neighborhood watch,” who get off scot-free. Please don’t forget: in 2012, Trayvon Martin was murdered in cold blood by George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch captain (a “good guy with a gun”) who disobeyed police orders and chased Martin later gunning him down in the street. One of the bigger talking points around the murder was that Martin was walking around with his hood up, and thus was somehow thought of as more threatening because of it. (By somehow, I mean “due to racial profiling,” a.k.a. racism.)

So now you’ve got a white guy in a movie dressed in much the same fashion, and he’s thought of as a “guardian angel” and a godsend for his extreme violence. That is nothing short of insulting. That is nothing short of disgustingly disrespectful to Martin’s memory.

Because I know someone’s going to try to argue it: no, him wearing a hoodie isn’t the same thing as what happened in Luke Cage. Anybody who tries to make that argument missed the entire point of Luke Cage as a show. Whereas Cage was given a costume similar to Martin’s as an homage, Kersey’s here feels like a direct poke at the tragedy, an unwelcomed take on the image of a hooded “guardian angel.” With Cage, the image was of a bulletproof Black man, a symbol of resilience in the face of continued state-sponsored police violence. With Kersey, the image is of a gun-wielding white guy, the veritable image of terrorism and fascism—at least, it would be, if the media and movies like this ever had the courage to say so. Alas.

It’s a remake. I know it’s a remake. It’s not news to me that it’s a remake. Please for the love of God, don’t @ me telling me it’s a remake. Thing is, that original was made in the 70s, and even then, it was a cult hit at best. It reeked of “political incorrectness” then, and given how little Hollywood has changed, I don’t expect it to be much different at all. “But you can’t judge it yet!” you say. “It’s only a trailer!” you argue. “There isn’t enough to judge it by,” you reason. But as I say, time and again, I (and many, many others) it’s rare when a remake makes up for the sins of its original.

If this trailer is supposed to be our first impression of this film, our first look before a full-on date, then this was the equivalent of the “ay wan sum fuk bb grl” dick pic DM.

And you can fuck right off with that.

(via Collider)

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We’re incredibly excited for the upcoming season of Netflix’s brilliant emotion-puncher BoJack Horseman, a show that will emotionally compromise you in the most unexpected ways while also being a hilarious reflection of Hollywood, or Hollywoo. The show often gestures towards our real-life industry, whether it’s an upsettingly accurate representation of the way sexual assault is often dismissed, a game show cameo from Daniel Radcliffe, or punny allusions like pig actor Jon Ham.

At Video Junkee 2017, creator Raphael Bob-Waksberg was asked during a Q&A what celebrities they would mention in the new season, specifically who they looked at and just went, “Fuck that guy.” His answer? “We have a line in the new season about Jared Leto that’s like, fuck that guy.” But Bob-Waksberg doesn’t stop there. Unlike the BoJack Horseman line, which is apparently near the end of the season and apparently quite short, the creator takes the next two minutes to thoroughly roast Jared Leto for his “method” acting and treatment of the trans woman he portrayed in Dallas Buyers Club.

Here is the transcript in its full glory, and where can actually hear the floodgates of Bob-Waksberg’s Leto-dislike break:

Bob-Waksberg: I don’t like him. I don’t like him! I feel like he’s still coasting from My So-Called Life, like his goodwill from that.

Marc Fennell: And Requiem For a Dream.

Bob-Waksberg: Yes, he was great in that. I mean, my line on Jared Leto, which is not in the show—it’s just what I say about him in conversations—is that the coolest thing Jared Leto ever did was get punched in the face by Edward Norton in Fight Club.

But he really, he bugs the shit out of me. And it’s all things—we’re bad guys, we’re good guys, blehhh the Joker, whatever bullshit—but he would like, send used condoms and dead pigs to the other actors as a weird method thing like, how does that help anything? What are you doing that—you respect the character of the Joker sooo much that you have to inhabit him and be him,as literally the worst Joker we’ve seen. Like there have been so many Jokers, you are the worst at it. You think that helped?

By the way! P.S. also, when he was in the Dallas Buyers Club playing a trans character who died of AIDS—not a real person but still—he would do interviews being like “What a glorious creature.” It’s not a fucking creature, it’s a person you asshole! And make jokes about, like, ‘I had to shave my legs teehee.’ That’s not cute, you idiot! So fuck him.

Bob-Waksberg then says to the audience, “You’re gonna watch the new season now waiting for the Jared Leto line that’s like in the very end. It’s like the last episode and it’s like barely anything.” It might not be a lot, but we’ll have these amazing 2 minutes.

(via Daily Dot, Image: Netflix)

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—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—

In early June, President Trump withdrew the United States from the Paris Climate Accord, a controversial move that received broad opposition (and support). Since then, a growing number of cities and states have created their own alliances to uphold commitments to the accord—voluntary agreements to focus on sustainable energy sources, commitments to carbon emission reduction, and efforts to reduce rising global temperatures. These issues matter, since our food systems are directly affected by global warming.

Because global temperatures continue to rise, researchers and farmers have noticed a shift in food production, and are worried about the future of our food. Over the past few years, many articles have cited looming food shortages, even labeling them as food crises. The foods most often identified are chocolate, coffee, maple syrup, alcohol, and seafood.

Are these claims true? It’s complicated.

As our climate continues to change, what we eat, where our food is grown, and how much we pay will certainly be affected—but what's the bigger picture? Let's take a look at the buzz around these threatened foods and the social and environmental impacts that surround them.

There's extensive research covering all of these topics; below, we only take a brief look at where all of these foods currently stand. For more information, please follow these issues at the links provided at the end.

coffee + chocolate

Last year, Brazilian coffee farmers lost 90% of their crop due to drought and heat. In Central America, where a majority of the world's coffee beans are grown, coffee farmers are slowly replacing their production with cacao, because rising temperatures make their land unsuitable for growing coffee. The environmental impact on food creates a domino effect: Coffee has been a historically essential crop in parts of Central America (even used as currency!); now, communities must adapt to a new crop to survive. If coffee production is replaced with cacao, this impacts competing West African communities that rely heavily on cacao exports to make a living.

Currently, the Ivory Coast and Ghana provide 60% of the world’s cacao. The Telegraph recently reported how dramatic price drops in cacao have severely affected the Ivory Coast’s economy, due to fluctuating demand and pricing that’s affected by unpredictable weather. This economic instability has sparked fears of civil war. Research highlighted in the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reported that by 2050, growing cacao in West Africa will no longer be feasible. So West African farmers face enormous pressure to sustain their agricultural businesses, and need to diversify what they grow—not an easy task under unstable governments that regulate resources.

The domino effect continues to different regions further away from the equator. Many of California's avocado farmers are turning to the coffee bean as they face constant challenges: limited water supply, and avocado trees producing less fruit. While this means we can continue to hold on to our love of coffee and chocolate and avocados, it comes at a serious humanitarian cost to the farmers that rely on these crops.

alcohol

As regions like Napa and Sonoma are exposed to extreme weather conditions, California winemakers are increasingly facing challenges. A study by Conservation International announced that California wine production could drop 70% by 2050, and other prominent European wine regions in France and Italy may also become unsuitable for production due to rising temperatures. These environmental changes will inevitably force a shift in where wine can be grown, and in 2050, it’s likely that our favorite wines will be produced in countries like China, Canada, and the U.K. But only time will tell. Researchers estimate it will take thirty years to fully observe production and consumption shifts, as scientists need to examine wine vinification under ever-changing growing conditions over an extended period of time to draw conclusions.

Other alcohol producers struggle with slumping grain yields due to climate change. Researchers at UC Davis and Cornell University noted a steady decline in wheat and barley by the end of this century. PRI reported that warmer temperatures are also not suitable for growing hops, which will effect the production of alcohol like beer and whiskey. To ease the pressure away from farmers growing these grains, we might see a rise in other brews that rely less on hops, like sour ales and pilsners, or find a growing market for sake instead of whiskey.

maple syrup

Maple researchers are finding that sap production is running earlier than it did a century ago, with more unpredictable yields. Syrup harvesters south of the Canadian border have experienced recent shortages due to unusually warm winters, in combination with the effects of acid rain and pests; these conditions become exacerbated as global warming continues. Currently, New England produces nearly 90% of our country’s maple syrup. For many of these states, maple syrup defines communities, local economies, and ways of life. Maple syrup prices will rise if supply can’t meet consumer demand, but the maple syrup–producing communities are the ones affected most, as they continue to face production challenges and seek alternative solutions to sustain their economies. Montana State University scientists are in the midst of a 5-year study to see how climate change affects sap quality and taste, and to monitor the fluctuating maple syrup yields over time; they’re looking into other, more resilient maple tree species that can be tapped in the future instead.

seafood

Overfishing and fertilizer runoff are notable causes for our depleting fish populations (which create a chain effect in itself); and then there's shellfish. Accumulated carbon emissions in our atmosphere are absorbed into our oceans, causing rising water temperatures and ocean acidification. This is problematic for the shellfish we eat because acidification weakens these creature’s shells. A study from the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found a link between warming ocean conditions and a rise in domoic acid, a dangerous neurotoxin, that builds up in shellfish. Eating infected shellfish causes vomiting and abdominal pain, and in rare cases, death. Domoic acid isn’t new; it’s been tracked for the past 20 years. Long-period observations of these incidents suggest that domoic acid blooms might be a chronic problem with the continuous rise in ocean temperatures.

One thing that can help seafood and combat global warming is seaweed. Kelp farming is a growing industry in New England, as fishing and shellfish farming become increasingly unviable. In 2015, The New Yorker named seaweed the culinary equivalent to the electric car—it absorbs nitrogen, which mitigates the growing amount of dead zones in our oceans. Kelp farms also act as artificial reef systems, storm surge protectors, and creates thriving eco-systems for other sea life to hide and eat. Seaweed is one of the fastest-growing plants in the world, with over 10,000 edible sea plants we haven’t tapped into yet. And most notably, seaweed is a zero-input crop, which means it doesn't require fresh water or food to grow.

The Takeaway

Our favorite foods may be around for a while, but perhaps not in the way we’re used to.

Our decisions matter—they affect the types of ingredients available to us, the livelihood of farmers, and our global economy. As the concept of terroir is changing, we also have to be flexible and adapt to changing production methods. More curious side effects of the increased value put on certain foods is large-scale food theft and food fraud, defined by the National Center for Food Protection and Defense as "a collective term used to encompass the deliberate and intentional substitution, addition, tampering, or misrepresentation of food." In fact, a recent food fraud—one of the biggest in history—involved an $18.7 million maple syrup heist. Last year, thieves made off with $10 million worth of stolen nuts!

To protect our food, we can also uphold our own commitment to the Paris Climate Accord—by making conscious choices about the ingredients we source and eat, and thoughtfully considering how we can preserve the future of our food.

To read more about these foods and how they're affected by climate change, check out these links for more information:

Coffee at NPR, PRI, and Modern Farmer

Chocolate at Reuters and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration

Alcohol at Forbes and Conservation International

Maple Syrup at Science Daily; here's what Food52 covered earlier this year.

Shellfish at NPR and Seaweed at Yale

I have a cousin who really doesn’t like when people slurp at the table. Soups, tea, water, anything. I’ve ended many a meal with her leaving the table, red faced and upset, because of the sound of my eating. It turns out that what I thought was a pet peeve of hers is, in fact, a veritable medical condition. People living with misophonia experience extreme feelings of annoyance and disturbance upon hearing eating sounds like smacking, gulping loudly, or gurgling.

Well, cousin Sophie and the misophonia community, I have some potentially unsettling news: a study coming out of England hints that slurping drinks and soups might actually improve their taste.

Drawing inspiration from ramen eaters as well as wine and coffee tasters, for whom slurping is encouraged, food scientists set out to discover if noisy consumption methods could actually affect tasting experience.

To get to the heart of their scientific inquiry, the research team conducted tests that saw participants testing three variables for optimum taste: sipping vs. slurping; mug vs. bowl; and temperatures A vs. temperature B. Each participant was asked to rate the intensity of the soup’s flavor, how much they enjoyed its taste, and to what extent they felt self conscious while slurping their meal.

The findings show that although the participants tended to feel more self conscious while slurping, it actually strengthened the flavor of the soup! The report notes that the difference in taste between the two consumption methods was “significant.” So noisy noodle eaters must actually be onto something.

I, for one, am going to start slurping as soon as I can. Catch me (or hear me) enjoying some of these slurpable meals.

Would you risk a few stares and slurp your soup in public? Let us know in the comments.

Adding a little sparkle to your life may be a lot more dangerous than you'd expect, at least if you're one of the hundreds of thousands toting around a certain kind of iPhone case that's now being pulled from the shelves.

On Monday, the US Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) announced a voluntary recall of glitter iPhone cases distributed by MixBin Electronics made for the iPhone 6, 6s, and 7. The cases—which contain glitter suspended in liquid and are very fun to look at—have been reported to break or leak, causing skin irritation, blisters, and even chemical burns. So far, there have been 24 such incidents, including 19 in the US, MixBin reported.

The CPSC is telling people to stop using the cases immediately. "If you do have these, we urge you to act quickly, get these out of your home, contact MixBin electronics, they will give you a full refund," CPSC spokesperson Patty Davis told ABC News.

The affected cases were sold between October 2015 and June 2017 at Amazon, Henri Bendel, Nordstrom Rack, Tory Burch, and Victoria's Secret, both in person and online. They were priced from $15 to $65. More than 260,000 cases were purchased during that time period, primarily within the US, plus another 11,000 in Canada, and a few hundred in Mexico and the European Union. Canadian health officials issued their own joint recall as well, noting that some units were sold in airport duty-free shops.

While MixBin Electronics is based in New Jersey, the cases were manufactured in China by the Dongguan Banghui Plastic Electronics Company. At this point, it's unknown what exactly in the liquid or glitter is causing the injuries, some of which have been serious. "One consumer reported permanent scarring from a chemical burn and another consumer reported chemical burns and swelling to her leg, face, neck, chest, upper body, and hands," the CPSC report noted.

Though the current recall is limited to iPhone 6, 6s, and 7 cases from MixBin, people have reported similar burns from using older models of glitter iPhone cases as well.

If you think you might have an affected case, check out the model numbers on the CPSC's recall page, then register for a refund on a site set up by MixBin; you'll have to submit a photo of your case to do so.

Read This Next: Add Glitter to the Long List of Things That Don't Belong in Your Vagina

The Scenario:
In 1999, a certain blonde-haired R&B singer released an entire song about his love of thong underwear. It was an asinine song, but an entire generation of tweens (like myself at the time) ran out, purchased flimsy undergarments, and walked around the mall on weekends with string between their butts. Even though your friend was probably three when that song came out, she inherited a taste for both 90s music and butt floss. You were okay with her strange thong affinity until you discovered homie isn't just wearing them around the mall—she sleeps in them too. Thongs all day and all night? Do panty lines even matter in the dark? Even so, it can't be healthy.

The Concern:
While cotton full-coverage underwear is a favorite among gynecologists, sleeping in any underwear at all is known to increase the temperature and moisture in and around the vagina. "The vagina certainly does need to breathe and that can be accomplished by sleeping without underwear," says Ronald Blatt, OB/GYN, chief surgeon and medical director of the Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery. "This will cool you down, air you out, and may prevent yeast infections which usually happen in moist, and warm areas of the body."

So if you're best off without any underwear at all, logic would imply your friend's lacey thongs aren't designed for 24/7 use. But because your state of mine is also important when it comes to sleeping soundly, don't go commando unless you feel totally comfortable doing so, Blatt says.

The Worst That Could Happen:
Additionally, though thong underwear seems like it's wedged securely in your butt, it moves around quite a bit when you're sleeping. "The thin piece of material of the thong moves around as you naturally position yourself while asleep and it could possibly transfer bacteria from anus to vagina or urethra. This may cause infection," Blatt says. Plus, any underwear made of lace or synthetic material is less effective at absorbing moisture. And that moisture creates a desirable breeding ground for bacteria and infection, he adds.

All the movement can even create tiny tears in the skin where microbes can nest and breed, Blatt says. These tiny wounds are the perfect place for microbes to settle. "[The thong] may also be depositing colonic bacteria into your vagina or urethra," Blatt says. And this colonic bacteria—for anyone that's interested—includes E. coli that can contribute to bladder infections and bacterial vaginosis. If these are left untreated, they can even evolve into pelvic inflammatory disease and result in infertility.

What Will Probably Happen:
We don't know your friends vaginal situation, quite frankly. But Blatt says that as long as she doesn't have a history of frequent infections, she should be fine. That said, frequent thong wearers are at greater risk for irritating their hemorrhoids, if they already have them. "Wearing thongs that are too tight in the inseam can cause rashes or irritation and even cuts and scratches," Blatt says. Thongs can also cause skin tags—those piles of extra skin that some people get on their neck, chest and back. "If you do choose to sleep in a thong, select a cotton pair," Blatt says. "Cotton fabric is better for your vaginal health."

What to Tell Your Friend:
We're not sure why your friend likes sleeping in thongs. But if it's important to her, suggest that she mix up her repertoire with some regular cotton undies or even a loose fitting boxer brief. Tell her that cotton briefs are breathable, and comfortable, and some full-coverage skivvies will give the skin around her vagina and anus a break.

Read This Next: How Risky Are Stick and Poke Tattoos?

Back in the summer of 2003 a group of developers debuted a new torrent client, which they called Azureus.

BitTorrent itself was still a relatively new technology at the time and users were eager to find new tools to transfer their files. The feature-rich Azureus client, which later rebranded to Vuze, delivered just that.

In recent years, however, things have gone relatively quiet, up to a point where Vuze development appears to have stalled completely. Perhaps not surprising, as two of the core developers, parg and TuxPaper, have left the project and moved on to something new.

“We are no longer involved in Vuze or Azureus Software, Inc. We can not speak to what their intentions are with the development of their product,” they inform us.

The developers, who were also part of the original Azureus team, are not saying farewell to their code though. While they are no longer working on Vuze, the pair have started a new Azureus branch, one they will actively maintain.

“We have invested such a large amount of our lives in the endeavor that we feel the need to keep the open source project active, for both our and our users’ enjoyment!” parg and TuxPaper tell us.

BiglyBT, as they have named their new client, will continue where Vuze development stalled. In addition to optimizing the code and releasing new features, BiglyBT is determined to keep the open source project alive, without any commercial interests.

“Our main goals for BiglyBT is to keep it ad-free and open source, and to continue to develop it into an even better torrent client. We also hope that a community will form again around the product.”

People who try the new client will notice that it’s indeed very similar to Vuze, but without the ads and some other ‘cluttering’ features, such as DVD-burning.

While BiglyBT looks and operates in a similar manner to Vuze, in the future the developers will work on a new set of features, a new style, and various other changes that will set it apart from its older brother.

“Our first release is mostly a name change, but we have removed some of the things that we know users don’t particularly want or use, such as the content network, games promotions, DVD burning, the huge ad in the corner of the app, and the offers in the installer.”

While Vuze appears to have downsized its development efforts, BiglyBT promises to go full steam ahead. The new client will also stay true to the Open Source nature. Previously, some people complained that Vuze included proprietary code, resulting in more restrictive license terms. BiglyBT is purely GPL, and will remain so.

The client is currently available on all major desktop platforms, including Windows, MacOS and Linux. An open source Android app, forked from Vuze remote, will follow in a few weeks.

BiglyBT should appeal to a wide range of users, especially the more seasoned torrent user who wants a client they can configure to their liking.

“Our target users are people who love to delve into the world of torrenting. People who like to tinker and watch torrents do their thing. Hoarders who like to seed, automate, categorize and contribute back to the torrenting community,” the developers note.

People who are interested in giving BiglyBT a spin can download the latest version from the official site. The application is free and won’t install any other applications or adware. Instead, it’s solely supported by donations from the public.

Source: TF, for the latest info on copyright, file-sharing, torrent sites and ANONYMOUS VPN services.

En las películas ya es un cliché cuando el protagonista debe enfrentarse a un desafío de gran calado y, entonces, se habla a sí mismo como para infundirse arrestos, al estilo "Vamos, tú puedes... concéntrate".

Sin embargo, lo que parece ser solo un recurso narrativo ahora adquiere un verdadero valor práctico a la luz de un nuevo estudio realizado por investigadores de las Universidades de Míchigan y del Estado de Míchigan que ha sido publicado en la revista Scientific Reports.

Hablarse en tercera persona

Así lo explica Jason Moser, profesor asociado de Psicología en la Universidad del Estado de Míchigan:

Si nos referimos a nosotros mismos en tercera persona, es algo parecido al hecho de pensar en otras personas, y encontramos pruebas de esto en la actividad cerebral. Ayuda a tomar un poco de distancia psicológica con respecto a nuestras experiencias, lo que a menudo resulta de utilidad para controlar las emociones.

Los expertos llegaron a esta conclusión tras llevar a cabo dos experimentos. En el primero de ellos, realizado en el Clinical Psychophysiology Lab (dirigido por el propio Moser), los voluntarios tuvieron que contemplar imágenes neutrales y desagradables y, a continuación, expresarse en primera o tercera persona mientras se examinaban la reacción de sus cerebros mediante un electroencefalograma. En el segundo experimento, dirigido por Ethan Kross, los participantes explicaron experiencias dolorosas de su pasado, en primera y tercera persona, a la vez que examinaban sus cerebros con resonancia magnética funcional (FMRI).

Las áreas de la masa gris más vinculadas a las emociones se encendían menos cuando las personas contaban sus recuerdos refiriéndose a ellos mismos como si se tratara de alguien ajeno.
Imagen | madstreetz

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A 'Junta Pro-Pazo del Caudillo', encabezada por empresarios como Barrié de la Maza, dirixiuse aos concellos para indicar como "visitar persoalmente" a cada veciño e reclamarlle os cartos. O ditador recibiu persoalmente o 'agasallo' a finais de 1938

• A Xunta, impotente para expulsar a Fundación Franco do Pazo de Meirás

Corrían malos tiempos. Apenas dos años después de rematada la Guerra Civil, 1941, con la hambruna haciendo estragos, en plena efervescencia de la segunda guerra mundial y Alemania esperando algún gesto del nuevo gobierno de Franco que finalmente se concretó en la creación de la que se bautizaría como División Azul, ideada, según algunos historiadores, por los falangistas. En realidad era la 250 División de Voluntarios Españoles de la Wehrmacht.

Seguir leyendo.

Bar Flash originally appeared on MyConfinedSpace NSFW on August 4, 2017.

La primera vez que supe que los Halls negros se utilizaban con fines sexuales fue gracias a un meme de Squirtle —un tipo de pokémon, para los no iniciados en el mundo friki— que decía "Vamo a chupa". En el meme, la poketortuga sujetaba un paquete de estos caramelos. Pasado un tiempo, el bulo se extendió como la pólvora y aparecieron más memes, popularizando lo que hasta entonces era una leyenda urbana: los Halls de menta extraintensa proporcionaban un efecto placentero durante el sexo oral.

La cosa fue tan lejos que la misma marca capitalizó esta fama e incluso el 14 de febrero Halls hizo una publicación que se volvió viral: en ella compartían la famosa pastilla rodeada de un halo de color azul neón y el hasthtag #AtréveteASentirla. El texto que acompañó la imagen decía: "No todos los 14 de febrero son rosas. Descubre la frescura más intensa y #AtréveteASentirla". Eso solo aumentó mi curiosidad por saber qué leches se sentía.

¿Qué sientes, se siente algo?", le pregunté después de un par de chupadas con la pastilla entre mi lengua y su pene

El primer dilema fue conseguirlas. A pesar de que en su Facebook aseguran que puedes comprarlas en cualquier tienda, intenté en un Oxxo, en un Walmart, y en un Seven Eleven, pero no tuve éxito. Luego busqué en Google y resulta que prácticamente se habían agotado, y no solo eso: incluso leí que se venden ya en algunos sexshops como "intensificadores" de sexo oral, por supuesto más caras de lo que cuestan en las tiendas. También las busqué en Mercado Libre y, ¡tachán! Vi que ahí se pueden conseguir fácilmente desde paquetes individuales, hasta tubos y lotes de bolsas enteras. En esa página, los precios oscilan entre los 2 y los 47 euros, dependiendo de la cantidad y de la presentación.

Ya estaba resignado a que me iba a salir más caro el envío que las pastillas —o a que iba a terminar haciendo bote con mis colegas para pedirlas en grupo— cuando, mientras hacía la compra, en la línea de cajas, me topé con ellas. Lo mejor de todo es que estaban a precio normal, ni más caras ni con los precios inflados como están en diversas páginas de internet. Ni corto ni perezoso, me compré varios tubos. Y es que no estáis vosotros para saberlo, pero yo sufro de sinusitis. Así que si resultaba que para el sexo eran un fracaso, al menos me ayudarían a respirar mejor.

Se venden ya en algunos sexshops como pastillas "intensificadoras" de sexo oral

Luego vino la parte de decirle a mi colega que tenía una actividad "lúdica" que proponerle. Él siempre se une a mis perversiones —por eso quiero tanto a ese cabrón— y algo me decía que esta vez no iba a ser la excepción. Además yo sabía que él también había visto los memes, así que seguro que también tenía curiosidad. Lo siguiente fue elegir dónde hacer el experimento: bien podíamos haberlo hecho en mi casa, pero decidimos largarnos a un buen hotelazo.

El secreto está en soplar

Ya en el hotel procedimos a darle rienda suelta a nuestra misión. Después de un rato calentándonos, fue él quien dijo: "saca las Halls negras ya, ¿no?", así que me fui a por los paquetes y los puse en la mesita de noche. Al romper el envoltorio y sacar el caramelo, lo primero que vi fue su cara extrañada, porque, según me dijo, él pensaba que la pastilla era negra. Y no, las pastillas son transparentes con unas "perlitas" azules de mentol en el interior.

Me la puse en la boca. Después de darnos el primer beso y ya desnudos, empecé a practicarle sexo oral. "¿Qué notas, sientes algo?", le pregunté después de un par de chupadas con la pastilla entre mi lengua y su pene. "Pues sí que está bien, da como frescor". Luego recordé lo que había leído en una de mis investigaciones: también se podía "soplar" la zona con el aliento fresco de la pastilla. Él me confirmó que, en efecto, los soplidos daban mucho placer. Por supuesto, yo también quería sentir, así que después de un rato de practicarle el sexo oral, nos pusimos en posición de 69. Ahora era su turno de ponerse también una pastilla en la boca y el mío de experimentar la frescura prometida. En efecto: una pasada. Creo que lo más placentero no era el frotamiento directo del caramelo contra mi pene, sino más bien la parte de soplar aire fresco sobre él. Sentía un contraste impresionante entre su boca caliente y el aliento frío causado por el mentol.

Lo más placentero no era el frotamiento directo del caramelo contra mi pene, sino más bien la parte de soplar aire fresco sobre él

Por supuesto, después de un rato de disfrutar esa nueva experiencia, quise saber cómo sería eso mismo, pero en el culo. Comencé a lamérselo y a soplarlo también y, por la manera en que se contraía, sabía que le estaba gustando. No se lo tuve que pedir: en unos momentos, él también estaba lamiéndome y soplándome el culo con ese aliento frío y ¡guau!

"¡Mierda, ha habido un accidente!"

Seguimos con el 69, alternando entre lamidas de culo y pene, cuando de repente me dijo asustado, "¡Mierda, ha habido un accidente!". Lo primero que pensé es que tal vez se me había irritado demasiado la zona de tantas lamidas con algo que a lo mejor tenía un producto químico extraño. En seguida me vinieron a la mente algunas cosas que leí, como un artículo en el que una tía se ahogó con una pastilla al chupársela a su novio y otro vídeo que vi en el que no aconsejaban usarlas porque podían causar alguna hipersensibilidad o hasta sangrado.

Intentando tranquilizarme —todavía en posición de 69— le pregunté que qué había pasado. "¡Se te ha ido la olla". Ahora que lo escribo me da un ataque de risa, pero en ese momento de verdad que no me lo podía creer. Y es que claro, estaba tan excitado que el culo se me dilató entre tantas lamidas y en algún momento el esfínter, al volver a su estado normal, hizo una especie de succión y ¡boom!, literalmente "me comí" la pastilla por el ano.

Una tía se ahogó con una pastilla al chupársela a su novio y otro vídeo que vi en el que no aconsejaban usarlas porque podían causar alguna hipersensibilidad o hasta sangrado

Primero pensé que a lo mejor el caramelo de menta me podía irritar la zona del recto, pero después pensé que no era para tanto. Además, mi colega me dijo que lo que quedaba de la pastilla ya era muy poco, lo que me ayudó a tranquilizarme. Como él es médico, me dijo que era muy difícil que me pasara algo, que la pastilla se disolvería fácilmente, o sino la expulsaría yo después. Nos reímos un poco y cambiamos las mamadas por la tranquilidad. Como todavía seguíamos calientes, empezamos a follar, alternando los roles sexuales, como buenos versátiles que somos. Cuando a él le tocó metérmela a mí, me dijo, "No te lo vas a creer, pero me noto el pene fresco". Y es que, claro, el caramelo seguía ahí y cada vez que él me la metía es como si yo le siguiera soplando el pene con el Halls negro. Digamos que mi culo estaba haciendo la labor que hasta hace un rato había desempeñado mi boca.

¿Conclusiones? 1) Sí, la famosa pastilla sirve. La mejor sensación se logra soplando el aliento frío sobre la zona genital o anal de la pareja. 2) Aunque es difícil de encontrar, sí que las hay en el súper; no hay que pagar por ella precios muy elevados ni esperar largos tiempos de envío. 3) Si decidís usarla es bajo vuestra propia responsabilidad; recordad que una tía murió asfixiada porque se la empujaron hasta el fondo de la garganta con el pene o, en mi caso, se me fue por una zona que no estaba pensada y terminé con horas de frescor anal no planeado. ¡Suerte y follad felices!

Las mujeres tampoco es que seamos muy limpias pero lo que se puede llegar a ver en el piso de un tío puede ser bastante asqueroso. Baños con manojos de pelos habitando junto a toallas llenas de mierda, sábanas sucias, y espacios que preferirías no tocar pueden hacer que recuerdes ese día como una de las peores citas de tu vida.

Preguntamos a amigas y compañeras de trabajo que es lo más desagradable que han visto y esto es lo que nos han contado.

— "Su armario lleno de platos sucios". Ana Iris, 26

— "Tenía una vagina en el comedor". Alba, 28

— "Unos calzoncillos cagados encima del teclado". Sara, 29

— "Sábanas de raso negro con manchas". Paula, 36

— "Bañera con capa de vello pegado". Noa, 28

— "Una cama con regla de otra". Maria, 23

— "Tres meses de porros en la mesita". Elianne, 29

— "Tenía una cucaracha en el lavabo". Rocío, 23

— "Un llavero con el águila franquista". Patricia, 26

— "Meé con un frenazo de mierda". Georgina, 20

— "Sus padres en la habitación contigua". Laura, 25

— "Una bandera de España bastante enorme". Amaia, 23

— "Muchos pósters de la revista FHM". Andrea, 35

— "Un calcetín MARRÓN en la almohada". Sara, 27

— "La discografía completa de Operación Triunfo". Tamara, 31

— "Un plato de macarrones secos asqueroso". María, 25

— "Una colcha vieja del Real Madrid". Natalia, 25

— "Me encontré dinero en sus rastas". Cristina, 24

— "Vi un ratón en el baño". Amparo, 32

— "Gruesa capa gelatinosa en la bañera". Sophia, 27

— "Encontré un tanga machado de bronceador". Amparo, 32

A presenza dun xabaril sorprendía onte á mañá os veciños do barrio de Ultramar, en Ferrol. O animal paseou preto dunha hora polas rúas da cidade ata que, finalmente, a Policía Local logrou mobilizalo a unha zona de monte.

Son imaxes tomadas polos veciños do xabaril que percorría as rúas do barrio de Ultramar ás sete e media da mañá deste xoves. Os máis madrugadores ficaban sorprendidos ante a súa presenza nunha zona urbana. Esta praza foi o primeiro lugar onde se detectou o animal. Moitos negocios do lugar abrían as súas portas a esa hora.

O xabaril percorreu varias rúas da zona, e rematou indo cara a Narón. A Policía Local estivo preto dunha hora tratando de arredar o animal da zona urbana.

A inesperada visita do xabaril ao barrio de Ultramar foi protagonista das conversas á hora do café.
Ante unha situación semellante, recoméndase manter a calma, non achegarse ao animal e avisar os servizos de urxencia.

Una lástima que la entrada en la wikipedia en castellano no incluya las objeciones al modelo triangular de Sternberg para analizar las relaciones románticas. Así que habrá que hacer un extracto de las que aparecen en el artículo en inglés…

INFLUENCIAS EN EL MODELO DE STERNBERG

La teoría triangular de Sternberg sobre el amor tiene dos influencias importantes: La Teoría de Zick Rubin de gustarse vs amarse (Liking vs Loving). La teoría de Zick Rubin es que las relaciones románticas se componen de apego, cuidado e intimidad. Y que se disfruta de estar con otra persona, eso significa que simplemente se gustan. Pero si esa persona tiene un fuerte deseo de intimidad y contacto, y además se preocupa de las necesidades de la otra persona tanto como de las propias, entonces que se quieren.

La otra es la Teoría de la Rueda de Colores, de John Lee, diferenciando tres tipos de amor, o más bien tres personalidades, que se pueden complementar entre sí para dar otros tres: Eros, Storges y Ludus. Y que da 6 “tipos de amor”: lúdico, pragmático, amistoso, erótico, obsesivo y altruista.

“Ludus (el amor como juego): El arquetipo Ludus proyecta a un amante que evita el compromiso y aunque no pretenda daño alguno para sus parejas, puede infligírselo por la diferencia de expectativas sobre la relación. Para este tipo de personas el amor es como  como un juego o deporte, un amor que busca la conquista; que pueden llegar a tener varias parejas a la vez.

Storge (el amor compañero): Este tipo de amante que predomina el arquetipo Storge se caracteriza por valorar al amor como una forma evolucionada de la amistad. Este tipo de personas se interesan más por alguien que comparta alguna afinidad y gusto en común.

Eros: El amante en que predomina el arquetipo Eros siente el amor en forma física y emocional, es decir un amor que se fundamenta en el goce estético, despreciando cualquier tipo de atracción que no involucre lo carnal. Este tipo de amor suele asociarse al romanticismo, aunque puede hallarse en personas infieles o con escaso sentido común”.

Fuente centrohavona

Sternberg también describe tres modelos de amor: El Spearmanian, Thomsonian y Thurstonian. Para el primero el amor es el resultado de una serie de sentimientos positivos, para el segundo es una mezcla de diversos sentimientos que, al unirse, producen esa sensación. Y el tercero, que es el más parecido al modelo triangular y que entiende que hay varios factores que contribuyen entre sí para crear esa sensación, pero que se pueden aislar los unos de los otros.

ESTUDIOS SOBRE LA TEORIA DE STERNBERG

En un estudio de 1992, Michele Acker y Mark Davis pusieron a prueba la teoría triangular de Sternberg. Estudiando a población fuera del grupo estudiado habitualmente de jóvenes estudiantes de 18 a 20 años, Acker y Davis pudieron estudiar de manera más precisa las fases del amor en las personas. Una de las críticas que se hacen a la teoría de Sternberg es que aunque predijo los estados por los que pasa el amor de una persona hacia otra, no especificó el momento o situación de la relación en que esos estados cambiaban. No especificó si las diferentes fases del amor dependían de la duración de la relación o de que se hubiese alcanzado una determinada fase de la relación. Acker y Davis señalan que la fase y duración de la relación son potencialmente importantes en el componente amoroso, por lo que lo investigaron.

No encontraron respuestas concretas porque no solo cada pareja, sino cada persona de la pareja experimenta el amor de una manera diferente. Hay tres percepciones posibles en la teoría tiangular del amor, o la “posibilidad de múltiples triángulos”. Pueden existir varios triángulos porque cada individuo puede experimentar cada componente del amor (o punta del triángulo) más intensamente que otros. Estos triángulos separados, según Acker y Davis, son triángulos “reales”, “ideales” y “percibidos”.

Estos triángulos “reales” son indicativos de cómo cada individuo ve el progreso y profundidad de su relacón. Los triángulos “ideales” indican cuáles son las cualidades ideales en su pareja en una relación. Los triángulos “percibidos” son indicativos de las ideas de cada individuo sobre cómo su pareja ve la relación. Si alguno de estos triángulos independientes no es igual que el de su pareja, la insatisfacción probablemente aumente”.

La foto principal es Sternberg, y ha salido de su propia web

Muchos cuadros de los siglos XVIII y XIX tienen restos de momias egipcias. Hay un pigmento rojo cuyo origen se creía que era la mezcla de sangre de dragón y elefante. Las novias no siempre se casaron de blanco. Estas son algunas de las historias que recoge la periodista Kassia St Clair en Las vidas secretas del color, donde explica el origen de 75 tonos diferentes. Desde el blanco ayabalde hasta el negro noche cerrada, pasando por tonos de amarillo, naranja, rosa, rojo, púrpura, azul y verde. Nos detenemos en nueve de ellos.

1. Las novias se casan de blanco, pero solo desde 1840

Las novias no siempre se han casado de blanco: “En Occidente, los vestidos de novia eran por lo general de colores diversos hasta que, en 1840, la reina Victoria llevó uno de satén color marfil con encaje inglés. Muchas novias siguieron con entusiasmo su ejemplo”. En este artículo de Time se explica que en época de esta reina, el color más popular era el rojo.

No fue la primera reina en casarse de blanco (ya lo había hecho María Estuardo en 1558), pero se popularizó gracias a ella. “El número de septiembre de 1889 de la revista Harper’s Bazaar recomendaba ‘el blanco marfil y lampás (un tejido de lana) para las bodas celebradas en otoño”. St Clair relaciona la elección de la reina Victoria con la popularidad cada vez creciente del marfil: “Cuando las cacerías de elefantes se convirtieron en un símbolo de estatus, el prestigio del marfil no hizo sino aumentar. El color se benefició de la asociación”.

2. ¿De qué color es el color carne?

En mayo de 2010 se celebró una cena de Estado en la Casa Blanca en honor del presidente de la India. “La primer dama, Michelle Obama, escogió para la ocasión un vestido en tonos crema y dorado del diseñador Naeem Kahn”, nacido en Bombay. Los medios hablaron del “color carne” y de un vestido “nude” (desnudo en inglés). Fueron muchos quienes, como la periodista de Jezebel Dodai Stewart, se preguntaron: “¿Nude? ¿Para quién?”. Este nombre asume que se habla “de un tono de piel caucásico”.

Hay alternativas: arena, champán, biscuit, melocotón y beis, por ejemplo. Pero, como escribe St Clair, “el problema no es el color ni tampoco la palabra en sí, sino el etnocentrismo que se oculta detrás”, y recuerda que la mayoría de las tiritas, las medias y los sujetadores aún se siguen fabricando como si todos tuviéramos el mismo tono de piel. “Sabemos que ‘nude’ es un espectro de color y no un tono específico. Ya va siendo hora de que el mundo que nos rodea lo refleje también”.

3. El amarillo de Van Gogh

En agosto de 1888, Vincent Van Gogh estaba pintando una serie de cuadros con girasoles con los que quería cubrir las paredes de su estudio. Lo hacía “con el entusiasmo de un marsellés ante una bullabesa”, recoge St Clair, y confiando en que serían una sinfonía de “amarillos duros y ásperos”. Esos amarillos los logró gracias a un pigmento relativamente nuevo, el amarillo de cromo, que “debía sus orígenes al descubrimiento en 1762 de un cristal de color escarlata anaranjado en la mina de oro Beresof, en pleno corazón de Siberia”. De este mineral, la crocoíta, se extrajo un elemento nuevo, el cromo, con el que se comenzaron a elaborar pigmentos en 1808.

Por desgracia, el amarillo de cromo se vuelve marrón con los años y algunos estudios muestran que los pétalos de flores del pintor holandés se han oscurecido “debido a la reacción del amarillo de cromo con otros pigmentos si le da el sol. Al parecer, los girasoles de Van Gogh se están marchitando, justo como ocurrió con los originales en el mundo real”.

4. El rosa no siempre fue el color de las niñas (ni el azul el de los niños)

De este tema ya hablamos en Verne, pero no está de más recordarlo: “La estricta línea divisoria del rosa para las niñas y el azul para los niños solo se remonta a mediados del siglo XX. En un artículo sobre ropa de bebé publicado en el New York Times en 1893, la regla establecida era poner siempre rosa a los niños y azul a las niñas”. En 1918, un folleto decía que el rosa era “un color más decidido y fuerte”, mientras que el azul era “más delicado y melindroso”.

St Clair recuerda que el rosa es “un rojo desvaído, algo que en tiempos de militares de casaca roja y cardenales de sotana en el mismo tono, hacía que fuera el color más masculino de los dos, mientras que el azul era el color del manto de la Virgen María”. También hay que tener en cuenta que los niños de menos de dos años solían vestir de blanco, que era “fácil de lavar en lejía”.

5. ¿Por qué Ferrari va de rojo?

El periódico francés Le Matin propuso un reto en la primera página de su edición del 31 de enero de 1907: “¿Hay alguien dispuesto a ir este verano de Pekín a París en automóvil?”. Uno de los cinco equipos que se presentó fue el del príncipe Borghese, “un orgulloso aristócrata” romano que “insistió en que su vehículo fuera de fabricación italiana”. Fue un 40-HP Itala fabricado en Turín “y que pintaron de un estridente color rojo amapola”.

Los 19.000 kilómetros de carrera pasaron por la Gran Muralla China, el desierto del Gobi y los Urales. Pero Borghese estaba tan seguro de su victoria “que se alejó varios cientos de kilómetros del recorrido para que él y sus pasajeros pudieran asistir a un banquete celebrado en su honor en San Petersburgo”. Cuando llegarón a París, el rojo ya era más bien “del color de la tierra”, pero "en honor a su victoria, el tono original de su vehículo se convirtió en el color oficial de las carreras en Italia y más tarde en el adoptado por Enzo Ferrari para sus coches: rosso corsa, rojo de carreras”.

6. Sangre de dragón

En el siglo XVI muchos aún creían que este pigmento procedía de la mezcla de la sangre de dragones y elefantes de la India, cuando morían juntos tras un enfrentamiento. “El pigmento existe”, aclara St Clair, aunque su origen es más prosaico: “Se trata de una resina de un rojo sanguinoliento que se suele extraer con frecuencia -aunque no siempre- de árboles del género Dracanea”. Sin un pasado tan interesante y aquejado del problema de que oscurecía con la luz y se tardaba en secar mezclado con óleo, los pintores lo dejaron de lado en el siglo XIX.

7. Azul ultramar

La mayor parte del lapislázuli que se usaba para confeccionar el pigmento del azul ultramar en Occidente antes del siglo XVIII procedía “de una única fuente: las minas de Sar-e-Sang”, en Afganistán. La extracción, el proceso y el transporte hacían que este pigmento fuera especialmente caro, sobre todo en el norte de Europa, hasta el punto de que a muchos artistas les salía a cuenta viajar a Venecia, primera escala en el continente, para comprarlo.

El pigmento era muy apreciado porque no incorporaba matices verdes, como otros azules: “El ultramar es verdaderamente azul, en ocasiones rayando en violeta, y es extremadamente duradero”. En 1828, un químico francés desarrolló una alternativa sintética, mucho más barata, pero “los artistas se quejaban de que era demasiado plano” y “le faltaba la profundidad, variedad e interés del pigmento verdadero”. El artista francés del siglo XX Yves Klein estaba de acuerdo y “trabajó con un químico durante más de un año para desarrollar un tipo de resina que, cuando se mezclaba con el pigmento sintético” lograba un tono de azul, patentado como International Klein Blue, que lograba “alcanzar la claridad y lustre del original”, y que convirtió en el centro de muchas de sus obras.

8. El verde sospechoso de haber matado a Napoleón

En la década de 1980 se extendió el rumor de que los británicos habían envenenado a Napoléon, confinado en la isla de Santa Helena. ¿Cómo? Usando el papel de su habitación, con un diseño pintado con verde de Scheele.

Este verde fue desarrollado por el sueco Carl Wilhem Scheele en 1775: estaba estudiando el arsénico y descubrió por casualidad el arsénico de cobre, de un verde que se puso de moda en las siguientes décadas. “Para 1858, se estimaba que había unas 100 millas cuadradas (259 kilómetros cuadrados) de papel pintado decorado con verdes de arsenato de cobre en los hogares, hoteles y salas de espera de hospitales y estaciones de tren del Reino Unido”.

Hasta que comenzaron las muertes sospechosas, como la de Matilda Scheurer, una joven de 19 años que llevaba 18 meses trabajando en la confección de flores artificiales. En 1871, un artículo del British Medical Journal apuntaba que un trozo de papel de 38 centímetros cuadrados “contenía suficiente arsénico como para envenenar a dos personas adultas”.

De todas formas, en 2008 se analizaron muestras de cabello de Napoleón en diferentes etapas de su vida y se descubrió que los niveles de arsénico eran muy altos para los estándares actuales, pero eran normales en la época y habían permanecido relativamente estables a lo largo de toda su vida.

9. Restos de momia

La palabra persa para betún era mum o mumiya, por lo que se creía que todas las momias contenían esta sustancia, aunque no era así. El betún y, por extensión, las momias, “se habían venido utilizando como medicina desde el siglo I d. C.”. Se aplicaba en la piel o se bebía mezclado con un líquido, recomendándose para multitud de dolencias, desde detener las hemorragias hasta la epilepsia.

“Como las boticas también solían vender pigmentos, no es tan sorprendente que el rico polvo marrón acabara asimismo en las paletas de los artistas”, a veces llamado marrón de Egipto o caput mortum (cabeza de muerto). Lo usaron artistas como Eugène Delacroix, Martin Drölling y el pintor prerrafaelita Edward Burne-Jones, que creía que el nombre era metafórico hasta que un domingo de 1881 “un amigo le relató que acababa de ver cómo sacaban una [momia] en el almacén de un comerciante de pigmentos”. Burne-Jones se espantó tanto al oírlo que fue a su estudio, cogió su tubo de esta pintura e insistió en enterrarlo “como es debido”. A principios del siglo XX la demanda ya era escasísima y dejó de fabricarse paulatinamente.

A estas alturas hablar del fenómeno hipster puede resultar francamente vergonzoso, es como un término que nos causa urticaria, tanto por lo que supone como por su ya evidente antigüedad. Nosotros, antaño, hablamos largo y tendido sobre este fenómeno, pues, somos totalmente conscientes de que se nos etiquetó como un medio hipster, hecho que hacía que la gente nos odiara y nos envidiara a partes iguales, cosa que nos encantaba, evidentemente.

Portada del libro de Iñaki

Actualmente este término se utiliza sin ningún tipo de filtro ni control en los medios de comunicación y, al estar en boca de todos, es cuando, más que nunca, necesita ser analizado, concretado y definido.

Jugamos con el autor de 'Sociología del moderno' a analizar la modernidad de personajes de la cultura popular de esta España nuestra

Esto es lo que ha hecho Iñaki Domínguez, licenciado en Filosofía y doctor en Antropología Cultural, en su libro Sociología del moderno, un análisis de este fenómeno que traza rutas a través de la trashumancia de los individuos (modernos de pueblo), la cultura del consumo, la búsqueda de la identidad, la exclusividad, la modernidad en la España tardofranquista, la simbología y ritualística de lo moderno, el papel de las redes sociales en todo este asunto de la modernez y la propia caducidad del concepto, basado en un eterno reciclaje referencial.

Pero, cansado de los artículos que intentan definir qué es un moderno, le he propuesto a Iñaki un ejercicio. Yo le mandaría ciertos personajes de la cultura popular de esta España nuestra y él tendría que suscribir u objetar la existencia de la modernidad en cada uno de ellos. Que empiece el festín.

Foto vía davidbisbal.com

DAVID BISBAL

VICE: No sé, está claro que no es un hipster pero yo creo que muchas señoras lo perciben como un moderno, así vestido "juvenil" y muy artista. ¿Puede ser?
Iñaki: Bisbal no es un moderno. Bisbal es lo que tradicionalmente ha venido a llamarse un hortera. Tanto los modernos como los horteras son un producto de los años sesenta y setenta (la palabra hortera no se emplea en España hasta esas décadas). El término "hortera" se refiere originalmente a los ayudantes del jefe en las tiendas de Madrid. Las personas de clases más altas se reían de aquellos que aspiraban a distinguirse, a pesar de tener pocos recursos y cultura, llamándoles horteras.

En los sesenta Franco se ve obligado a realizar una serie de reformas económicas a causa de su aislamiento político e integra a España en un sistema económico liberal con lo que distintas influencias extranjeras son introducidas en España: a través del turismo, el cine, los emigrantes que van a Alemania y vuelven, las bases militares americanas, etcétera.

"Bisbal no es un moderno. Bisbal es lo que tradicionalmente ha venido a llamarse un hortera"

Por otra parte, hay un boom económico y la gente ve satisfechas necesidades básicas. Sobre este colchón los individuos buscan la autorrealización y tratan de consumir identidad. Unos son los hippies modernos (de las clases medias) y otros son los horteras (de las clases trabajadoras). El hortera puede desde entonces ahorrar y comprar bienes de consumo que le permitan proyectar determinada identidad (aunque sea durante el fin de semana).

Se trata de personas que creen proyectar una imagen atractiva vinculada al "buen gusto", cuando en realidad se hallan muy desorientados. El hortera es ante todo un ingenuo; esa es una de sus idiosincrasias. No porque sea objetivamente ignorante, sino porque carece de las herramientas económicas para comprender el "buen gusto"; muy vinculado a la clases social.

David Bisbal encaja en esta categoría. Bisbal ahora es rico pero no lo fue durante su infancia. Su padre fue boxeador y luego carpintero, por lo que careció durante su infancia de una "educación estética" en sintonía con los valores de las clases medias (que imponen el modelo del "buen gusto").

Foto vía instagram.com/rafamoratete/

RAFA MORA

VICE: Esto es un tete, está claro, pero en el mundo MYHYV creo que aparece mucho tete uniformado como pretendiendo ser un moderno, aunque sea a nivel estético. Es esa idea de modernidad de jugador de fútbol: tatuajes, barba bien afeitada, pelo cortado por los lados. No sé, ¿qué piensas sobre esto?
Iñaki: Rafa no es un moderno tal y como yo lo defino en mi libro. Mora es otro hortera que encaja, además, con el arquetipo del metrosexual. A causa de algunos rasgos identitarios superficiales (depilación, rayos U.V.A, etcétera) muchos creen que el metrosexual es muy distinto del macho ibérico. Sin embargo, el metrosexual es el hijo bastardo del macho ibérico. Generalmente estamos hablando de personas de clase trabajadora que se rebelan contestatariamente contra el monopolio femenino de la belleza y aspiran, ellos también, a ser objetos de deseo. El metrosexual quiere ser deseado por las mujeres bellas, tanto como él las desea a ellas.

"Pelayo pertenece a la clase obrera por lo que no acaba de encajar del todo en un arquetipo propio del moderneo"

El culto al cuerpo está vinculado a una fascinación con lo apolíneo y con la pura representación, que se olvida de los contenidos. Esto está promovido por el mercado ya que solo se pueden comprar y vender elementos decorativos. No se puede comerciar con los bienes sustanciales: talento, inteligencia, carisma, etcétera.

Este tipo de personas pueden parecer modernas y les ha dado por emplear términos como "cool" (ahora totalmente descontextualizado de sus orígenes) pero no se mezclan con los hipsters, ya que sienten una aversión visceral hacia ellos (y viceversa) basada en su pertenencia a una clase social distinta.

Vía YouTube de Dulceida

DULCEIDA

VICE: Yo diría que no es una moderna, para nada, pero creo que muchas personas la perciben como un referente de modernidad, una especie de trend setter. ¿Es una moderna esta tipa?Iñaki: Esta figura es interesante, si no me equivoco esta chica también pertenece a la clase trabajadora. No la considero moderna ya que no hace uso de constelaciones identitarias hipster. Las constelaciones son combinaciones de elementos (estéticos, culinarios, turísticos, etcétera) con las que proyectar una identidad (sirven para fijar y vender identidad). En el caso del hipster y su indumentaria: barba de profeta, jersey de abuela, fixie, gafapasta, etcétera. Las constelaciones de Dulceida tienen más de choni que de hipster.

Por otra parte, Dulceida afirma abiertamente que no le interesa la cultura ni leer, algo que jamás haría un hipster (puesto que ser cultureta es parte esencial en la construcción de su imagen). Las constelaciones hipster están presentes en las referencias culturales. Si quieres ser hipster tendrás que hacer referencia a ciertos grupos musicales, películas de culto, libros, etcétera.

Foto vía katelovesme.net

PELAYO DÍAZ

VICE: Este sí que está más cerca del supuesto hipster, ¿no? Forma parte del mundo de la moda, está bastante enterado de las últimas tendencias, se codea con gente de la "escena" y de la nocturnidad...
Iñaki: En este caso nos vamos acercando. Se trata de un estilista con vínculos claros con el moderneo elitista. Para empezar, "dime con quién vas y te diré quién eres". Pelayo fue pareja de David Delfín, ya fallecido, que era un referente del moderneo más pijo. Delfín, además, fue un referente en la primera escena Rave de Madrid, con su pelo oxigenado, piercings y maquillaje. Delfín era un asiduo del mítico Bali Hai, meca para fiesteros modernos a finales de los noventa.

"El metrosexual es el hijo bastardo del macho ibérico. Rafa Mora es uno de ellos"

Con todo, Pelayo pertenece a la clase obrera por lo que no acaba de encajar del todo en un arquetipo propio del moderneo, muy vinculado a un elitismo de clase media-alta. Aun sí, sí se trata del típico moderno de provincias que, llegado a la gran ciudad, quiere desvincularse de su identidad previa a través de un exceso de modernez y encubrir así sus orígenes (que no encajan con su idea del glamour al que aspira).

Berto vía El Club de la Comedia

BERTO ROMERO

VICE: Aquí tenemos esa cosa entre nerd y hipster. Tiene las gafas de pasta, los pantalones ajustados, la simpatía y aparenta ser un tipo culto.
Iñaki: Berto se vende como moderno cultureta. Emplea constelaciones nerd y, a pesar de sus humildes orígenes, sabe proyectar una identidad de clase media. Los empollones nunca han molado. No obstante, el moderneo ha reciclado este viejo concepto para tornarlo deseable, aunque solo sea en apariencia. Los verdaderos empollones siguen sin tener éxito, pero los empollones "aparentes" ahora molan. Es por ello que muchos emplean la identidad nerd para resultar atractivos. Este fenómeno es el rebranding que consiste en reciclar viejos fenómenos para vender falsas novedades: corredor (runner), ciclista (rider), fofo (fofisano), magdalena (muffin), y un larguísimo etcétera.

Por otra parte, Berto, como buen moderno, proyecta una imagen bastante aniñada a pesar de tener más de cuarenta años. Se trata de hacer de la cultura juvenil un bien de consumo permanente, para que nadie deje nunca de consumir con la intención de sentirse especial.

Foto de Floro Azqueta vía Wikipedia

ALASKA

VICE: Joder, en su momento está clarísimo que Alaska era una moderna, ¿no? ¿Sigue siéndolo?
Iñaki: Alaska fue y es una moderna paradigmática. Niña de clase media que vivía en el barrio de Chamartín e iba al Instituto Santa Marca (cerca de Serrano), tuvo la posibilidad de viajar siendo una adolescente en los setenta (cuando casi nadie se lo podía permitir) y en un viaje a Londres junto a su madre y una señora de Plasencia vio de primera mano el fenómeno punk.

Volvió a España para ser una de las más modernas punkis y luego nuevas románticas. Dicho viaje supuso un fenómeno de contagio o transmisión cultural directa. Por otra parte, Alaska fue de los primeras modernas en tener un aprecio abierto por lo kitsch (rasgo típico del moderneo actual). Decía que una de sus influencias era el Hola! y su actitud era muy frívola, siguiendo la estela de un Warhol.

En su actitud nihilista es antecesora del actual moderneo, ya que los modernos anteriores (hippies) se tomaban muy en serio a sí mismos (precisamente por estar demasiado integrados en la "vieja España").

Foto de Gonzalo Merat vía Wikipedia

JOAQUÍN REYES

VICE: ¿Moderno de pueblo?
Iñaki: Puede que sea un moderno de pueblo. Emplea también constelaciones nerd: gafas de pasta, pajarita, camisas con estampados, etcétera. Sin embargo, hace uso del humor, por lo que no es el típico moderno sin sustancia. Cuenta con activos sustanciales, como puede ser el talento y el ingenio, por lo que su imagen no es pura fachada. Construye su identidad moderna en base a elementos sólidos.

Foto vía el Facebook de Miranda

MIRANDA MAKAROFF

VICE: Esta sí, ¿no?
Iñaki: Miranda es una moderna de libro. Es amiga de Brianda Fitz-James (nieta de la Duquesa de Alba), con la que pincha en discotecas de moda. Como Brianda, es una típica fashion victim (y "artista multidisciplinar") que está muy al tanto de las últimas tendencias en el extranjero para ser la primera en adoptarlas en el terreno patrio (vanguardia de consumo).

Es una persona "creativa", hija de una diseñadora y de un músico argentino con recursos y representa la nueva socialite moderna que habita el etéreo mundo digital, proyectando una imagen despreocupada y hedonista vinculada a la vida nocturna y al puro placer. Muchos modernos aspiran a habitar este intangible mundo de la representación, vendiendo su imagen como un producto de consumo (algo que en una medida u otra hacemos todos).

Sin embargo, hay que ser escéptico. La vida real nunca es pura imagen visual. Detrás de la pantalla siempre hay lucha, dolor, esfuerzo, decepciones y alegrías. El moderneo es una herramienta cultural a la que se adhiere la gente para obtener reconocimiento social en sociedades masificadas. Dicha necesidad de reconocimiento denota siempre una carencia personal a nivel de autoimagen.

Los modernos necesitan del otro como espectador para satisfacer sus anhelos narcisistas, buscando en la aprobación ajena la confirmación del propio valor. Una búsqueda de reconocimiento que entre los influencers se convierte sin duda en adictiva. Domina una vampírica necesidad nunca saciada de obtener el halago ajeno.

When we sunbathe topless in the park or take our shirts off in some other public place on a 90-degree day, it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with comfort and equality. We like wearing less when it’s hot out than when it’s cold; stripping off a sweaty t-shirt to lie in the grass or play frisbee or enjoy the spray from a fountain isn’t a sexual act when we do it any more than when a man does. We work hard to make this distinction clear: nudity does not equal sex, and the two should not be confused or conflated.

That said, most of us do also like sex.

So we were cautiously receptive when we were contacted recently by several alumnae of Betty Dodson’s famous Bodysex workshop, which has been teaching women to explore their own bodies and their sexuality for something like fifty years. (Betty Dodson herself is close to 90 years old, and still going strong.) There was a Bodysex reunion being held near NYC, and some of the participants were followers of our group, and they asked if they might come to one of our events while they were in town. Of course we said yes, and invited them to join us on our favorite private rooftop sundeck.

Now, normally the privacy we enjoy there only means we get to sunbathe fully nude rather than merely topless. But this time it meant something more, since our visitors promised to share some of their practice with us, and their practice includes group masturbation and shared orgasm.

How many of us had ever masturbated in a group before? Not many. But we’re open-minded and very much pro-orgasm and sex-positive, so we decided we’d give it a try.

In all, between the Bodysex alums and us there were a dozen people on the roof. Some were first-timers, some long-time members; eleven were women, one was a man.

We began by sharing our groups’ respective stories, and some fresh fruit, white wine, and mimosas to go with them. (What story doesn’t go better with a mimosa?)

After that, we shifted from the couches and lounge chairs to the floor of the roof and the dozen comfy soft towels Amazon had thoughtfully shipped us the day before.

We had a selection of toys to choose from — ones that vibrated, ones that pulsed, ones that sucked — and enough bottles of lube to stock a medium-sized pharmacy. (What’s the difference between a lubricant that “Arouses and intensifies” and one that “Arouses and releases”? We figured we’d find out.)

Someone in the group had an iPhone with a relevant Spotify playlist (“30 All-Time Greatest Songs to Masturbate To“)…

…and someone else had a bluetooth speaker. Connections were made. The mood was set. The moment of truth arrived. So we took off any clothes we still had on, laid back, spread our legs and dove in.

A word about masturbation: it’s nothing to be shy about, certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes the best orgasm you can have is one you give yourself. Learning how to pleasure yourself can also help you learn how to have more satisfying sex with a partner — but it doesn’t have to be about that. The self-administered orgasm (like the self-portrait, or self-hypnosis) can be an end in itself. Masturbation isn’t anything to apologize for. We all do it, women and men, and when we do it right it’s wonderful.

Yesterday, it was wonderful.

It didn’t hurt that the weather was perfect for it, sunny and clear — we gave ourselves orgasms under the bluest of skies and the whitest of fluffy white clouds. The air was deliciously warm against our skin.

Was it strange doing something so intimate and private in a group, a number of whom were meeting each other for the first time? A little. But remember, a lot of people also say that baring your breasts is something intimate and private that shouldn’t be done in a public place or in front of someone you don’t know well. People who say that are wrong — so why should we take as a given that they’re right about masturbation having to be solitary?

It helped that while the act was sexual, it was not sexualized. We weren’t performing, we weren’t ogling each other or being ogled (or watched at all, really; our eyes mostly slid shut as we went to somewhere special in our own headspace). We were just friends enjoying ourselves together, feeling beautiful sensations, and sharing that experience — as one member put it the next day, it was less like a sex party than like a wine tasting, only with orgasms instead of wine. And what fine vintages we uncorked.

And then, soon enough — too soon — it was over. We came, we relaxed, we caught our breath. We marveled at this thing we’d just done. Did everyone have a blissful smile on her face, or did it just feel that way?

We all felt really nice, that’s for sure. And our ordinary event started up again. We ate grapes, chatted, joked. Shared our addresses with each other so we could stay in touch.

Eventually, the Bodysex folk headed off to catch their planes home, like magical sex fairies who’d done their job.

Will we ever do it again? Who knows? Certainly not in the middle of Central Park, where going topless means nothing more than that it’s hot out, and neither women nor men are free to engage in sexual acts. But on some wintry afternoon perhaps, in a private room at our favorite spa? Or if one of us has a big enough apartment and enough cushy throw rugs? Why not?

Our group is not about sex, and what we do as a matter of course is not sexual.

This was sexual.

Maybe now people will have an easier time seeing the difference.

«Soy un cínico. Un escéptico. Un epiléptico a ratos. Soy sádico, pero me veo incapaz de disfrutarlo. Soy un mestizo cultural, un bastardo ideológico. Soy un psicópata solitario en lo alto de un puente que se niega a saltar porque todo el mundo aplaudiría. Soy una mosca en la sopa. Un Goad en la máquina. Un pegote de esperma en el fondo de tus palomitas. Puede que sea una célula cancerígena flotante que se dedica a infectar el corpus collectivus. Quizá solo soy un cracker canijo descarriado que espolea a un caballo muerto. No soy Juan el Bautista, soy Jim Peligro en Potencia. No soy una persona malvada. Solo soy un poco extraño. No soy un nazi. Lo que pasa es que tengo la tripa descompuesta. No os quiero matar. Solo necesito alejarme. Y no os odio, simplemente os tengo calados. Así que, por favor, aire».

«Los blancos integraron la mayoría de los trabajadores coloniales esclavizados a lo largo de casi todo el siglo XVII. Los esclavos negros alcanzaron la paridad numérica con los siervos blancos en algún momento, ya avanzado, del mismo siglo o a principios del XVIII. La idea de la supremacía racial tuvo poco que ver con el cambio gradual de la esclavitud blanca a la negra».

«Economía. De eso se trató, se trata y se tratará siempre, sin más. El racismo solo es una pantalla de humo, una táctica cínica de distracción. Una vez que se entiende eso, el resto es fácil».

«La gente tiende a excusar el ejercicio de cebarse con la basura con un: «Oh, bueno, su experiencia histórica ha sido completamente distinta a la de los afroamericanos». Como el espinoso pez globo que son, hincharán sus carrillos y escupirán tibios y melodiosos flujos de aire acerca de cómo los rednecks no tuvieron ni remotamente la misma historia de pobreza, sufrimiento y explotación que los negros americanos. De su investigación exhaustiva por producciones televisivas y semanarios alternativos gratuitos, han concluido que es IMPOSIBLE que un varón norteamericano blanco sea oprimido, con independencia de cómo cojones definan la opresión. Porque ellos SABEN que la hégira del chico blanco ha sido un enorme y monolítico polo de coco de privilegio cutáneo y que hay que ser muy estúpido para ser blanco y no triunfar en este país. Cuando ellos hablan de «igualdad» se expresan estrictamente en términos raciales y de género, como si los varones blancos hubiesen gozado alguna vez de una verdadera igualdad entre ellos, como si la experiencia del varón blanco en América hubiese sido un período vacacional estándar ininterrumpido».

«En su encarnación hippie de finales de la década de 1960, el progresismo resultó a menudo divertido e irreverente. Ahora es irreverente hasta un punto que bordea lo cómico. No estoy muy seguro de cuándo perdieron exactamente su humor los progres, pero la pérdida parece irreversible. Al igual que a veces el pene de un hombre bascula de un lado al otro del pantalón, el péndulo ha oscilado hacia el otro lado. Con todo lo sensibles que son los progres para todo, se han vuelto completamente insensibles al humor. Oh, dirán que pueden apreciar la comedia, pero que hay ciertos temas que NUNCA SON GRACIOSOS. Han llegado a dominar la fisión nuclear y la teoría del caos, pero siguen sintiéndose incómodos con las palabras. ¿Cómo vas a confiar en gente que ni siquiera se da cuenta de cuándo estás de coña? Cuidadito con las caras sonrientes que no aguantan una broma. Y no solo es que sean incapaces de aguantar una broma, es que además te demandarán por difamación».

«Harriet Beecher Stowe, la autora de La cabaña del tío Tom, de estar viva en la actualidad, habría sido una progre blanca. El problema con ella no era que criticase la esclavitud negra en el Sur, sino que era una chavala pudiente de la alta sociedad de Nueva Inglaterra que ignoraba a todos los obreros blancos mutilados de las fábricas y a los niños trabajadores blancos y lastimados que se amontonaban a las puertas de su puesta de largo. Era una aristócrata norteña que reprendía a los aristócratas sureños por el modo en que trataban a sus clases desfavorecidas, aunque ella defecaba sobre las clases desfavorecidas de su propia tierra natal.
Stowe se fue de gira a Gran Bretaña en 1853 auspiciada por la Duquesa de Sutherland, otra señora blanca de salón abominablemente adinerada que solía organizar tés y bollos en favor del negrodesarrollismo y la afrocaridad. Tras su viaje, Stowe se refirió a la familia Sutherland como «ilustrada». Debía referirse a esto: retrotrayéndonos a 1811, los Sutherland iniciaron la expulsión sistemática de los campesinos escoceses que llevaban siglos viviendo en las tierras comunales. De los ochocientos mil acres en disputa, los Sutherland reclamaron setecientos noventa y cuatro mil. Contrataron a la policía inglesa para expulsar por la fuerza a los escoceses aborígenes e incendiar sus hogares. A una anciana la quemaron viva en su choza. Apalearon a los campesinos y los abandonaron a su suerte. Muchos murieron de hambre. La variedad de ilustración de los Sutherland creó quince mil personas sin hogar que fueron reemplazadas por ovejas. Fue muy altruista por parte de la Duquesa de Sutherland derramar lágrimas por la esclavitud negra en el Sur de Norteamérica después de haber esquilmado a su propio campesinado. Ella también habría sido hoy una progre blanca.
Karl Marx se refirió al estilo de caridad de la Duquesa de Sutherland como «filantropía que escoge sus objetivos lo más lejos posible de casa, y mucho mejor si es al otro lado del océano». Charles Dickens se refirió a las sociedades británicas de apoyo al Negro como «filantropía telescópica», dado que se concentraban en ultramar e ignoraban la muerte y la hambruna que anidaba bajo su propio techo.
El progresista blanco moderno es igual. No puede llevarse bien con los oprimidos de su propia raza, pero quiere demostrar lo abierto de mente que es llevándose bien con los negros. Es el sufrimiento visto a través de la lente gruesa del monóculo de una matrona de alta sociedad. No es más que mecenazgo de ganchillo, como siempre ha sido. En su afán por ayudar a los pueblos oprimidos al otro lado del océano, se saltan la basura blanca de su propio lodazal. Niños muertos de hambre en la India. Niños muertos de hambre en África. Niños muertos de hambre en todas partes, menos en los Apalaches. Piensan globalmente, ignoran a la basura blanca localmente. Hay una extraña esquizofrenia de clase alta con respecto a qué sufrimiento parece más urgente. Los apuros de los indígenas excavadores de ñame a dieciséis mil kilómetros de distancia les provocan más lágrimas que los traumas apestosos de la basura del parque de caravanas que está a quince kilómetros de la ciudad. La primera norma del progresismo blanco parece ser que la caridad nunca empieza en casa».