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13 Apr 05:01

Indie Lingerie Challenge Review #4: The Antoinette Set by Buttress & Snatch

by Holly Jackson
Antoinette Set by Buttress & Snatch

Antoinette Set by Buttress & Snatch

This set was provided for review by Buttress & Snatch. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

I already posted a huge number of pictures from the latest Buttress & Snatch size expansion earlier this week, but pictures only ever tell part of the story. This week, I’ll be reviewing the Antionette set from the new line! I was lucky enough to get one of the early sample sets and if you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know how immediately I fell in love with it. If you don’t have time to stick around for the review and way too many pictures, here’s the short version: This line is exquisite and worth the money. I’m already planning what I’ll pick up next. 

If you are interested in the details, let’s get started! I asked for this set in a 36H, but also provided measurements where they were needed. Since this was one of the earlier sets from the line, I was actually ready for it to show up with fit or quality control issues (if you aren’t aware, this is pretty common with new lines). What I wasn’t expecting was a beautiful set full of amazing details that fit like a glove – and that was exactly what came in the mail!

The Curvy Antoinette Set from Buttress & Snatch aka My Preciouss

The Curvy Antoinette Set from Buttress & Snatch aka my preciouss

I didn’t pick which set I wanted and I was sort of tickled to see that Rachel picked a set that was right up my alley. The rich raspberry sheen that this set has is just amazing, but is also extremely difficult to photograph. It both looks and feels extra luxe. The icing on the cake is the draped tulle fabric that provides coverage and makes this bra ideal if you’re full on top. The whole thing is covered in bows, an extra layer of lace and is basically the closest I’ve ever come to wearing a fancy French dessert. You can pry it out of my cold and dead hands at this point.

Tulle top cup of bra

Tulle top cup of bra

Detail shot of bra cup

Detail shot of bra cup

Front flat view of bra

Front flat view of bra

In terms of sizing, this feels extremely close to my regular 36H that I wear in Panache and other UK based brands. One of my issues with indie lingerie brands is that sometimes the underwires just don’t hold up to what mainstream brands are using. Wires are expensive and come in huge quantities, so that’s more a supply issue than something most indies are choosing to do. That said, these wires are great! I don’t know what magic Rachel has sourced and how, but they feel more substantial than the wires that most indie brands use. Despite being a boudoir bra, this has held up to running errands and other odds and ends quite well.

Antoinette panties - close up

Antoinette panties – close up


These panties are high-waisted in the front and barely there in the back, which is a great way to make them feel both supportive and super sexy. The knicker designs for the curve collection were based on 1960’s panty girdles, which I feel like is bound to put some people off. If you’re worried about feeling like a stuffed sausage, don’t be. These are definitely more substantial than your average panty, but they don’t feel like shapewear. They do have an extra layer of what I assume is powermesh, but it’s really for smoothing rather than shaping. I’ve done lots of wear testing of this set by now and it’s never been anything but supremely comfortable. These were a UK size 18 and fit perfectly.

I love this set and I’m already planning to pick a set (or two) up once the weather warms up and I get through my closet clearout. I’m really interested in seeing how the more “everyday” style sets stack up against the boudoir style sets in terms of comfort and support. I foresee being a regular customer of this line as long as it is around. I’m always lamenting how I would pay more for interesting bras in my size if they only existed, so I’m excited to have finally found a great source for them!

What do you think of the Antoinette Set? Are you planning on trying the new Buttress & Snatch line?

The post Indie Lingerie Challenge Review #4: The Antoinette Set by Buttress & Snatch appeared first on The Full Figured Chest.

17 May 19:29

My New Rabbit Hole: Mori Girl Fashion

by Jen


I'm about as far as you can get from a fashionista; I hate trying on clothes, so my closet is a museum of ancient Ross and thrift store finds, and most of the time I'm just wearing jeans, a geek tee, and matching chucks. BUT. A big chunk of my heart belongs to ruffly skirts, flowy shirts, lots of layers, and, well, this kind of stuff:

I would wear that post-apocalyptic Lolita thing on the right (made by Stilecht) EVERY DANG DAY.

In fact, I've had that outfit Pinned to my woefully bare "Fashion" board for years, so a few months ago I went back to it and checked out Pinterest's "Related Pins."

That's how the obsession began, you guys.

I quickly discovered something called "Mori Girl" - which I now know is Japanese for "Forest Girl" - and fell in love. It's a fashion sub-culture that's checkin' all my boxes: loose frilly skirts, an A-line silhouette, lots of layers, boots, and NO HEELS. (Can I get an "hallelujah?")

One of my favorite examples of Mori style is Mai Magi up there of Shortcut To The Stars (a Tumblr site that's gone now, sadly):

Mai's rockin' a "Dark Mori" variation here, which has a more goth vibe with lots of blacks and gray.

Loooove this silhouette.

Classic Mori Girls wear lots of white linens and lighter colors, though still with an emphasis on natural fibers and muted colors:


 Of course heavy layering is tantamount to heatstroke here in Florida - or most places during Summer - so next I went on a mission for lighter Mori looks.

» Read More
15 May 23:03

My Skincare Routine for Hormonal Cystic Acne, 2016 Edition

by fanserviced


I Bought It Purchased with Referral Credit** Press Samples*** Affiliate Links “Where do you get skin like that–from your parents or does it come in a bottle?” Umm. Reader, I think the earth sort of wobbled under my feet when I heard that. I was wearing expensive, amazing foundation at the time, but I haven’t...

Read More »

The post My Skincare Routine for Hormonal Cystic Acne, 2016 Edition appeared first on fanserviced-b.

09 May 10:00

23 No-Mess Snacks For Board Game Night

by Crystal



23 one-hand, no-mess snacks for game night that will have your friends full and your board games clean as a whistle.

The post 23 No-Mess Snacks For Board Game Night appeared first on Autostraddle.

13 Apr 03:41

Check your privilege and your facts before discussing sex selective abortion

by Dr. Jen Gunter

Dr. Brian Goldman, in his blog for CBC radio, wrote about the new article in the Canadian Medical Association Journal (CMAJ) on the sex ratio after induced abortion in Ontario, i.e. sex selective abortion.

The article in the CMAJ confirms what is no surprise to me as an OB/GYN, that the ratio of male to female births for a third child born to women who emigrated to Canada from India who had two previous girls is statistically improbable, basically 2 boys for every girl. The male:female infant ratio after 2 girls was 1.77 times higher if the current birth was preceded by 1 induced abortion, 2.38 times higher if preceded by 2 or more induced abortions and 3.88 times higher if the induced abortion was performed at 15 weeks or more.

There are lots of issues with Dr. Goldman’s piece and I am compelled to address what I feel are his main points as I am sure he isn’t alone in his thoughts. 

1. “The fact it’s happening means that health care providers are carrying out abortions, no questions asked without asking about the motivation behind the request.”

Yes, providers do abortions no questions asked. That is medical care. 

While I don’t do abortions now I used to and I learned that skill in my Canadian residency. The four great men who trained me to do abortions (because sadly it was only men doing them at my program) never once questioned why a woman chose to have an abortion. They trusted women. Completely. They taught me empathy. I was trained to provide care not to judge.

I was also taught how to counsel women and to the best of my ability make sure that a woman was getting the care she wanted without coercion. I learned how to talk with women about abortion versus continuing their pregnancy and adoption and also about the importance of post-procedure contraception. Every abortion provider I know does this. Some women share their story and others do not. 

But motivation? Oh God that word offends me. Who decides what is appropriate motivation for an abortion and what is not? The abhorrent concept of “motivation” is the very reason Canadian “abortion panels” were dismantled. Women used to have to beg and plead their case in front of three “experts,” like a medieval tribunal. Scratch that, not like it was a medieval tribunal. I grew up in the era of abortion panels and that is exactly why I became an OB/GYN.

Once you start telling women they have to have the right reason for an abortion you have inserted the thin edge of the wedge regarding abortion restrictions. Who gets to decide what is a needed abortion, three people who know nothing about a woman or the woman herself? When you say a woman’s motivation for abortion needs to be evaluated you are patriarchy. Like she hasn’t thought about it already? News flash, when a woman who wants an abortion is denied access birds don’t flock to assemble a nursery and she don’t suddenly say, “Oh gosh, I guess you are right, I really didn’t put any thought into this whole abortion thing at all because I’m just a silly, stupid woman.”

There is no medical reason to know a woman’s reason for abortion save a later procedure for anomalies. Would an autopsy be helpful? If yes then you recommend an induction. That’s it. 

In residency I wondered why some women had repeat abortions when they were offered such intense contraception counseling post procedure and so that became my research project which was, coincidentally, also published in the CMAJ. Physical and sexual abuse it turns out are risk factors for repeat pregnancy terminations (something the current article does not address), but stopping abortion when those factors are present doesn’t magically stop abuse.

Abortion is a symptom, not the problem.

“He beat me very badly after I had my last girl, I can’t go through that again,” a woman once told me. What exactly were this woman’s options who spoke limited English, had no job and depended on her husband for money. She took a bus to her abortion because she didn’t drive and would have to explain the money for a cab. Do I judge her? Do I with my upper middle class upbringing and the earning potential of a physician say, “Sorry honey, not tragic enough?” And what if she doesn’t get that abortion and is then beaten to death in her third trimester or after she delivers? I’ve seen that, but no one writing about the “evils” or “moral ambiguity” of sex selective abortion mentions maternal abuse or murder. 

“Motivation” is a lot more complex than any study can tell you.

2. “These women are undergoing medical procedures that I would certainly regard as unnecessary and potentially harmful to the mother.”

Wrong and wrong. No one except the woman gets to decide if her abortion is necessary.  Ever. Anything else is patriarchy.

Let’s be factual, abortion is not harmful. You know what is? Perpetuating that myth because ignorant politicians use it to write laws designed to punish women. No study has shown harm from abortion using modern techniques. In fact, abortion is about as safe as colonoscopy. It’s safer than pregnancy. Saying there is harm when there is not is either inadequate research or misogyny. It’s a tired trope and I’m sick of it.

What about eight pregnancies in search of a boy, is that not harmful? Why does no one ever mention that when they discuss harm? I have delivered many women who sobbed and looked away in disgust when they saw they had delivered their fifth or sixth or eighth girl, because they knew they would be back year after year until they delivered that coveted boy or died trying. How is that not violence against women?

If women have to justify their abortion why shouldn’t they have to justify their eighth pregnancy? The latter is far more dangerous than the former.

And yes, six additional deliveries is a lot more harmful than six abortions.

How many pregnancies must a woman endure in search of a boy before the patriarchy decides she is allowed to have an abortion? Three? Five? Eight? Fifteen?

3. “Multiple induced abortions are detrimental to a woman’s health and also to subsequent pregnancies.”

Nope and nope again. This line used by Dr. Goldman is taken from the CMAJ article, which makes me wonder about the objectivity of those who wrote it and once I stop raging I will certainly be writing a letter to the CMAJ. The article from PLOS quoted to support the “risks” in subsequent pregnancies with abortion doesn’t say that modern abortion has those risks at all, rather it says:

These findings support the established association between previous termination and preterm delivery. But most importantly, the changes in this association over the past two decades—from strong in 1980–1983 to nonexistent in 2000–2008—a period in which the use of medical termination and pre-treatment of the cervix for surgical termination increased dramatically in Scotland, suggest that surgical termination without cervical pre-treatment is responsible for the increased risk of spontaneous preterm birth: the decrease in the proportion of this procedure over the study period may have led to the disappearance of the established association between previous termination and preterm delivery from 2000 onwards.

Abortion does not lead to mental health issues breast cancer, or any other health implication – pregnancy-related or otherwise.

I don’t expect everyone to know that, but I do expect a doctor writing about abortion on a blog for CBC radio to know.

4. “A 2007 policy statement by the Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada said medical testing should not be used for sex selection, and pregnancy termination should not be permitted on that basis either.”  

Except that’s not exactly what it said. The SOGC doesn’t say pregnancy terminations should not be permitted it says, “The SOGC does not support termination of pregnancy on the basis of gender.” Not supporting and not permitting are of course two different things. But while we’re on the subject I wonder if the SOGC really means to suggest OB/GYNs should be scrutinizing women’s choices, because that is more than a little paternalistic.

Oh, and does the SOGC support permitting a ninth pregnancy in search of a boy?


Check. Your. Privilege.

5. “The most disturbing implication from this study is that sex selection meant that 4500 female fetuses in Canada and 100 million female fetuses worldwide were aborted and therefore not born.”  

No, that is not the most disturbing thing. The most disturbing thing is how people will twist the study to support bad policy and laws. 

The second most disturbing thing is the erroneous assertion in the article that modern second trimester abortions are a risk for preterm labor.

The third most disturbing thing is the lack of control women who didn’t chose abortion so we don’t know exactly how many pregnancies these women had to endure to have a boy.

You want to know what else I find disturbing? That in 2016 women are worth less than men. We still have an equal pay day, you know? Think there is some cause and effect there?

When the problem of women being worth less than men goes away the symptoms of sex selective abortions and multiple pregnancies in search of a boy will stop.

6. “I believe the practice should be stopped, but how?”

I believe in working towards equality for women, free or low cost access to long-acting reversible contraception, and trusting women. The end. Those goals will naturally reduce abortion, but I don’t support them because they will reduce abortion I support them because they empower women. They will also likely reduce multiple deliveries in  the quest for a boy.

We know laws don’t stop sex selective abortion and the nod at the end of the piece to choice and the fact that making abortion illegal would drive it “underground” come across as lip service. It’s the same uncomfortable pas de deux that many who identify as pro-choice have with sex-selective abortion, but there are no qualifiers for choice.

Even if stopping sex selective abortion were possible that won’t magically make women equal or cap every family at three, just as stopping domestic violence related abortion will not stop domestic violence. 

While I worry that a woman denied a sex selective abortion might seek unground care, I also worry if she doesn’t get the abortion she feels she needs she will be punished for having a girl. For the next 18 years. Or longer. Or that she faces a life of servitude to her uterus in search of a boy, a goal that ironically she can’t even control. I also worry that if she feels Western Society is judging her that she will be less likely to seek care of any kind or confide in her providers. 

Sex selective abortion and multiple pregnancies in search of a male heir are symptoms of misogyny and are proof that women’s lives are undervalued almost everywhere, even Canada.  To ignore the women who deliver their eighth girl and will be back for number nine is proof that sex-selective abortion has been twisted to be about abortion and not about sex selection. 

It appears that the trend towards abortion for sex selection disappears after a generation in Canada, which means that maybe people can come to believe in the equal worth of women – that to me is the most important message. Hopefully we are also seeing a reduction in the search for a boy not just a reduction in abortion.

Things are never as black and white as they seem and when discussions about abortion focus on sex-selection it makes it sound like a woman has the greatest value when she is a fetus. 

Screen Shot 2016-01-22 at 7.57.59 AM

09 May 14:45

No gnomes or buddhas: Garden art for atheist adults

by Megan Finley

That last macrame hanger makes me want to make one!!!

Yes, this is a dinosaur eating gnomes garden statue
Yes, this is a dinosaur eating gnomes garden statue
I'm looking for ideas and sources for garden statuary that do NOT feature religious iconography — like St Francis or the Buddha — but are not kitschy — like gnomes or dinosaurs.

Any ideas for garden art for atheist adults? -Elizabeth

Wow, you're right. It's a bit difficult to find garden statues that don't sway religious or kitschy-as-hell! On my first try, I found that dinosaur-eating-gnomes garden statue, which combined TWO of your no-nos. But really… maybe it is EXACTLY what you're looking for? It might be the perfect garden statue of all time.

Anyway… I worked hard, tried to stay away from all things "zen" and "gnome," and rounded up some garden art that adult atheists might actually like!

Grasslands Road World Garden Good Luck Elephant Statue
Grasslands Road World Garden Good Luck Elephant Statue
Blue Beer bottle ladder garden art idea from Etsy seller ShelleyHolm
Blue Beer bottle ladder garden art idea from Etsy seller ShelleyHolm
Lucky Penny Garden Flowers
Lucky Penny Garden Flowers
Cat and Mouse Garden Sculpture Set
Cat and Mouse Garden Sculpture Set
Balanced Arch Wind Sculpture
Balanced Arch Wind Sculpture
Earth Fairy Aura Garden Statue
Earth Fairy Aura Garden Statue
Decorative Mushroom -- Garden Art Made From Repurposed Glass from Etsy seller CreativityTimesThree
Decorative Mushroom — Garden Art Made From Repurposed Glass from Etsy seller CreativityTimesThree
Guardian Lion Statue Granite
Guardian Lion Statue Granite
Steel Songbird Garden Sculpture
Steel Songbird Garden Sculpture
Mini Stone Overlook Bridge Statue
Mini Stone Overlook Bridge Statue
Vintage Tortoise Stepping Stones
Vintage Tortoise Stepping Stones
Japanese Blue Heron Metal Garden Sculpture Set
Japanese Blue Heron Metal Garden Sculpture Set
Metal Orbs from Etsy seller NevaStarr
Metal Orbs from Etsy seller NevaStarr
Kinetic Spinner Stake
Kinetic Spinner Stake
Macrame wall hanging by Etsy seller MacrameElegance
Macrame wall hanging by Etsy seller MacrameElegance

Any other anti-kitsch, non-religious garden-havers out there? What garden art did you dig up?

Recent Comments

  • Janey: I have found that rubbish tips that sell things the workers find can be a source! Workers may also know… [Link]
  • Cassie Sue: I'm not sure where you live but stores like hobby lobby have some cute figures and you can get them… [Link]
  • Mary: Check out antique stores. We picked up some garden rabbits and snails a few years ago at a local… [Link]
  • Shlemar: If you're into baseball, a few teams have started handing out player, manager, and mascot lawn "gnomes" as mid-week game… [Link]
  • wellyesyoumay: I have some lovely skeleton lawn flamingos named Fred and Ginger. I used to make them costumes for different seasons.… [Link]

+ 10 more! Join the discussion

06 May 09:00

Full Circle Fresh Air Countertop Compost Collector

by mark

If we start up composting again, this sounds like a good countertop collector!

I’ve been composting my kitchen scraps for awhile now, using various systems, and this countertop compost bin, which I’ve been using for two years, is the best I’ve used so far.

There were two issues with other bins that I’ve used: 1) rottten vegetable residue on the bottom of the bin that must be cleaned out after it’s emptied and 2) swarming fruit flies.

The Compost Collector solves both those problems. You line the bin with a compostable bag (I use BioBag 3-gallon size), then remove it when it gets full, leaving your compost bin nice and clean. It takes about a week for me to fill the bag, and I’ve seldom had problems with leak-through. If your bag does dissolve a bit (this can happen if your scraps are really soggy or if you let the bag sit way too long), the bin comes apart for easy cleaning.

This bin has good airflow, which slows down the decomposition of the veggie scraps, but the air goes in through tiny holes in the top which fruit flies can’t get though as well as a gap at the bottom where air circulates around the bag. So as long as you remember to keep the top closed, fruit flies aren’t an issue. In addition, it’s not smelly like bins that have no airflow, unless you put something in it that’s smelly to begin with.

The Compost Collector is also sturdy and good-looking, and doesn’t take up too much space on the counter.

-- Abbie Stillie

Full Circle Fresh Air Countertop Compost Collector ($23)

International Amazon link

Available from Amazon

02 May 17:48

7 Favorite Projects to Organize Your Garage

by Ana White


Hi guys!  

It's spring in Alaska, the trees have greened up, the swans are migrating north, the ruffed grouse are drumming, and sometimes you can barely hear yourself over the frogs doing their thing.  

After a long winter working in the garage, I am so ready to do a big spring clean up of our workspace, and get organzied for the summer.  Today I thought I'd share with you some projects that could transform the storage and functionality of your garage.


Easiest Garage Storage Shelves

Designed by Ana White 

First things first, build some storage for all those boxes and totes.  If you have stud walls that you can tie into in your garage, this is the simplest and easiest way to build garage shelving.  We loved this shelving so much have since built it three times!




Fold-Out Pegboard Tool Storage Wall Shelf with Bins

Designed by Rouge Engineer shared on RyobiNation

Not only does this garage wall storage shelving system triple - yes TRIPLE - your pegboard storage, but it keeps all of your storage accessible and within easy reach.  I love hanging tools since tools to keep them off the workbench, but accessible and easy to find.  

The bins under the tool stoarge area are life savers for smaller tools and fasteners.  




Easy Potting Bench with Hook Slats

Designed by Ana White shared on RyobiNation

I made this potting bench at Ryobi a couple of years back, and since there was just no way I could pack it in a suitcase back to Alaska, have been wanting to make it again for my own use.  I loveed how simple this project was to construct, all with simple joinery.  Use cedar if using outdoors.




Spary Paint Wall Organizer Shelf

Designed by My Altered State shared on RyobiNation

Paint is all about making something pretty, so why not make it pretty on display?  I love Pauline's spray paint organizer for keeping your favorite colors close at hand, and keeping you inspired while you work.




Narrow Garage Tools and Paint Storage Shelving

Designed by The Creativity Exchange

I love narrow depth shelving because stuff can't get lost in the back, and everything is easy to reach.  The Creativity Exchange's narrow garage storage wall stores so many supplies and tools, all while keeping things neat and organized.  Lots to be inspired from here!



Mobile Workstation with Tool Storage

Designed by Shanty2Chic shared on RyobiNation

My friends Ashley and Whitney from Shanty2Chic and designed and built this mobile workstation for the furniture maker with limited space.  I love all the dedicated tool storage and simple design!  You gotta have clamps handy!



Roll-Away Cart Workstation with Tablesaw and Mitersaw Built in

Designed by Ana White shared on RyobiNation

This was one of my favorite projects I did in 2015!  Cutting is such a big part of building - not only does it take time, but precision is essential for your project to turn out right.  When I was tasked to do a "cutting edge" workstation, I designed this workbench around the saws.  But there's ample storage in the carts, and we even embedded a Kreg Jig into the top of a workbench (and other bench tools can fit in the slot).  If you have the space in your garage, this roll-away workstation has it all, and tucks away neatly.


And don't forget, this month's RyobiNation challenge is Garage Takeover!  

So that means you could win $500 in tools for your garage if you build and share a project for the garage this month!  Get all the details on how to enter (it's easy) here.

Have a great day!



28 Apr 11:18

#TBT: Garden Guy, will work for Heteros Only by Garden Rant

by Garden Rant


garden guy-001

Landscapers refusing to work for LGBTs? Back in November 2006. when this was published, you bet, and the legality of doing that hasn’t changed. Indeed—note  recent legislation passed in North Carolina and other states—this kind of discrimination is still in play and often legal. It was Elizabeth, blogging then at Gardening While Intoxicated, who brought the story to the Ranters’ attention. The original 21 comments are worth a read, especially this one by Christopher C (then in Hawaii, now in NC): 

How did Miss Sabrina know Mr. Lord was one one them homa sex yulls from a phone conversation?Did the Lord say fabulous? Did the Lord say it needed to be done in six days for a fashion show? Did the Lord ask for some forbidden fruit trees?
My Sweet Lord!

Here’s Susan’s 11/06 post:

Meet Todd and Sabrina Farber, owners of Garden Guy, Inc., a Houston landscaping company.  They recently created a firestorm by sending this email to a potential customer:

Subject: Cancel Appt – Garden Guy

Dear Mr. Lord,

I am appreciative of your time on the phone today and glad you contacted us. I need to tell you that we cannot meet with you because we choose not to work for homosexuals.

Best of luck in finding someone else to fill your landscaping needs.

All my best, Sabrina

All my best, my ass. Sabrina, how do you square that hateful missive with this bit of PR hoohah on your website:  “Treating you with respect and honesty are the cornerstones of our reputation.”  Which reputation is now being hotly debated in Houston and on blogs everywhere. Their website does show their hand, however, by promoting the “No Gay Marriage” website.

Bigots will be bigots, I suppose.  But to me, the appalling part of this story is the bluntness of the bigotry and the fact that it’s perfectly legal in Texas and almost everywhere in the U.S.  Should customers fight back by demanding that the designers and nurseries whose services and products they buy be equal opportunity businesspeople?  We’ll be following this story.

Thanks to Elizabeth at Gardening While Intoxicated for the alert.

P.S.  Links removed after reading Richard Boyd’s comment.

#TBT: Garden Guy, will work for Heteros Only originally appeared on Garden Rant on April 28, 2016.

27 Apr 18:00

Additional Love Languages

by Mallory Ortberg

The Five Love Languages is a bestselling book that discusses the five essential ways that people "speak and understand emotional love." The primary love languages include Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch, but many readers are unaware of the remaining seventeen categories, which are:

Read more Additional Love Languages at The Toast.

19 Apr 18:31

#855: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome And Accessing Mental Health Support

by JenniferP

Dear Cap,

I recently graduated as a Physical Therapist Assistant (PTA). The entire time I was in school I always felt that I didn’t deserve the grades I got, that I wasn’t trying hard enough, and didn’t know enough. But I kept passing with some As but mostly Bs (a failing grade in this program is anything less than a 75). I had 3 clinicals in 3 different settings for a total of 17 weeks and got high marks in all of them.

I got my first job in a nursing home, which was my favorite setting out of all my clinics. I apparently made such a good impression on the rehab director that she cancelled her other interviews and offered me the position 45 minutes after my interview. On my first day I trained with a seasoned PTA. This PTA’s caseload had some of the most difficult patients I’d ever seen; people that couldn’t follow directions and resisted me during the treatment. By lunchtime I was in tears because I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing and that I was doing a bad job. I tried to quit but the rehab director encouraged me to go home and think about it. I came back the next day and asked to not go around with that PTA, to be given a small caseload of simple patients and to go out on my own. I had a good day and was told I did well. That was a Friday. By Sunday night I was having a panic attack (I have a long history of anxiety/depression which had been well controlled with medication for many years). I woke up Monday, had a panic attack and quit.
Now I have zero confidence in myself and I don’t know how I can take another job if this is how I handled my first one. The entire time I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing and I was bad at the job. Choosing another career is not an option. I don’t know how to become more confident or at least fake it until I make it. The only advice I’ve gotten is “go see a therapist”, but I have no job or income. How can I be successful in this career when I don’t believe in myself?

(Pronouns: she/her)

Dear Zero,

On your No Good Very Bad Day, you showed up. You may not have been the world’s greatest & most experienced Physical Therapist Assistant (PTA) because it was your first day on a difficult job, but you were the PTA those patients had and you did the job as best you could. And then, the next day, you asked for what you needed to learn and you got it, and you did better than fine because you were working at a pace that you could handle. Your employer and their patients were happy and lucky to have you and they recognized that you needed an adjusted case load to help with the learning curve. You absolutely deserved that consideration and those adjustments. You are a beginner, not a failure.

You are a beginner, not a failure. Could you be kind and gentle to yourself? Could you give yourself a break for needing an adjustment period between a school setting and a clinical setting? Could you give yourself a break for being a person with some anxiety and depression who had those things exacerbated when you took on something difficult and new? Could you give yourself a break for having a panic attack and for doing the best you could to protect yourself in the aftermath of it?

The people who are recommending that you talk to a therapist are doing so because your antagonist here is You/Your Brain. Not grades (you’re fine), not the profession itself (you’re fine), not the patients or coworkers (you did fine, especially when you asked for what you needed), not the Platonic ideal of what a perfect person or PTA would do (once again, you’re just fine). Where you are not fine is in the uncomfortable and scary feelings you are having, and in the black and white thinking you’re falling prey to (“I must be perfect or else I HAVE FAILED.”) So the logic of a therapy recommendation is, can you treat the anxiety and have a safe place to siphon off some of the panicky feelings you’re having so that you can function in your day-to-day work? And can you revisit some of the strategies that worked for you when you treated your issues in the past (maybe medication adjustment, maybe some strategies of recognizing cognitive distortions and calming your thoughts when you get overwhelmed)? Maybe there is a larger question to be talked over, like what attracts you to this career, what to expect in the beginning, and what specific kind of employment situation would be best for you. A therapist (aka a fellow traveler in the Helping Professions) might be a really good person to talk that all over with.

It can be very hard to access mental health care when you’re stretched thin, but there are some resources out there. See these posts on locating low-cost and no-cost mental health care, and on green flags for a good therapist. Since we published those posts, a whole bunch of online therapy resources have sprung up, like, 7 Cups of Tea. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has a free helpline and a ton of programming. They are experimenting with an app that offers instant peer-to-peer support. Here’s a massive list of online support groups. Maybe one is right for you.

One of the awesome Twitter people I follow made this useful worksheet for organizing yourself to find a therapist. I thought that BuzzFeed had some excellent writing about mental health last year – see this piece on how to get some of the benefits of therapy even when you don’t have a therapist, ways to make yourself feel better when you feel alone,  and this piece on mental health care and race. Ijeoma Oluo is writing some beautiful stuff at The Establishment. I think this NYT op ed about how therapists need to acknowledge political realities is right on. The mental health system has many holes in it and it is not the safety net that it should be for everyone, but you absolutely deserve care, so I hope you won’t talk yourself out of receiving it.

If finding mental health services is totally out of the question right now, could you re-connect with a mentor or teacher from school, the career office there, and some of your classmates? Maybe that network can help you find the right job fit for you, and help you readjust what you can expect at the beginning. Maybe your story of panicking can help someone else know what to expect on their first day.

Whatever you decide to do, you are not alone.

You are not the only one to have a surprising and terrible adjustment period to a new job.

You are not the only one to say “Wait a minute, this doesn’t match what I know from school! How can I tell what is normal?”

You are not the only one to quit something that didn’t feel right for them!

You are not the only one who second-guesses themselves or feel like they are faking it in front of others.

You are not the only one to have a false start (or several!) who has to bounce back.

You may have burned your bridge with that employer, but if you called them and said “I am so sorry, I overreacted. Can I come back with (this adjusted schedule/workload)?” they might take you on. If they don’t (or you don’t want to) that’s okay – don’t even put that job on your resume. The interview skills and resume that made them want to hire you immediately will make you attractive to other employers, maybe ones that are better staffed and have better training/on-boarding procedures for new hires.

In the end, it’s going to be you and the patients in front of you and the work you were trained to do, one patient at a time, one appointment at a time, one day at a time. I hope you can find a way to give yourself permission to be there for them and for that work. Let yourself be a beginner. Give yourself permission to learn as you go. Give yourself permission to have bad days and to not know what you’re doing. Give yourself permission to lean on mental health care when you need to. Give yourself every kindness that you would give to a patient or a friend. Remind yourself that you are a beginner, not a failure, and it’s okay not to know everything yet.






17 Apr 17:00

Recipe: Butter-Roasted Radish Dip — Recipes from The Kitchn

by Kelli Foster

This looks good for all those radishes I just planted!

When it comes to snacking on veggies, you've got some choices to make. Sure, you can eat them in their raw, crispy state, or you can follow my lead by roasting them until mellow and tender and then blending them into an ultra-creamy dip.


13 Apr 14:45

5 things to consider before you ask, "when are you having kids?"

by Minerva Siegel


By: kennycole – CC BY 2.0
By: kennycoleCC BY 2.0
"So when are you having kids?"
"Do you have kids yet?"
"Dogs don't make a family; you really should have kids soon. Clock's ticking!"

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard those questions, the purse slouched on the chair next to me certainly wouldn't be knock-off Prada. Questions like these are as common as anything, and can seem so benign that most people don't think twice about asking them; they might as well be talking about the weather. In actuality, asking why someone doesn't have kids is impertinent to begin with — because it's none of your business — besides the fact that these questions are loaded and can be seriously hurtful and triggering.

Other people's reproduction is none of your business, period. Here's why…

1. We're capable of making our own reproductive decisions

Whenever it's revealed that I'm child-free, I get comments like, "You'll change your mind" and, "You just haven't met the right man yet." Telling women that they'll change their minds about their decision not to reproduce undermines their intrinsic ability to make basic life decisions, and thus is both disrespectful and rude. Women are perfectly capable of making the logical, reasonable decision to not reproduce after considering any number of valid factors.

To be fair, some women do change their minds about not having kids, and that's perfectly okay, too! That fact still doesn't give you license to disrespect women everywhere by telling us that we're incapable of making logical reproductive decisions.

2. Infertility

A huge portion of the population suffers with fertility issues. Fertility isn't something you can tell just by looking at someone, so it's incredibly rude to assume that everyone can have children whenever they want and that, if they don't have kids, it must just be because they don't want them. Asking someone who's struggling with infertility whether or not they have children can be an extremely triggering thing that can not only ruin their day but send them into a tailspin of depression.

I've ended up hospitalized regularly since I was about nine years old with bursting ovarian cysts, and other hormone problems, that refuse to be controlled through medication, and I have a tilted uterus. These things combined mean that I'm likely infertile. While I release my maternal feelings by caring for and rescuing animals, and therefore don't really feel the need to have children of my own, there's another component that comes into play for me: I know it's ridiculous, but part of me feels that I'm less of a woman because my body can't produce a child, and people prying into my reproduction status reminds me of this and makes me feel both offended and sad.

3. Socio-economic factors

Children are extremely expensive. They really are. They're time-consuming, demanding, and expensive life-long commitments that shouldn't be taken lightly. Sometimes, couples simply can't afford them at the moment. Other times, people don't have children because they don't want to raise them in the neighborhood they live in. Or they're waiting to tie up other parts of their lives (that, again, are none of your business) before having them. There are any number of socio-economic factors that can contribute to whether or not someone wants children, and it's not your place to pry into them.

4. Genetics

A significant amount of child-free people have chosen not to reproduce so as not to pass on certain genetically-inherited traits, conditions, or diseases.

5. Some people just plain-old don't want kids

Kids are loud little attention-demanding wild things that make everything messy and completely disrupt your life. They also have many good qualities, but some people just plain-old don't want to deal with any of that. And that's fine. Many people just don't want kids personally, which doesn't mean that they hate children altogether… although, if they did, that's entirely their prerogative.

People are completely capable of making their own reproductive choices based on a huge amount of different factors. This is why, "When are you having children?" and "You don't have kids? Your biological clock's ticking!" are two of the most rude things you can say to someone. If someone doesn't want to procreate, they shouldn't ever be made to feel badly for it or like there's something intrinsically wrong with them for it.

Reproduction is a personal thing, and it's about time we stop allowing impertinent inquiries into other people's reproductive statuses to remain common occurrences.

Recent Comments

  • KathyRo: I learned a lonnnng time ago not to ask questions about other people's reproductive plans but unfortunately I had to… [Link]
  • Murphy: Great post! One thing people don't seem to realize is that having children is kind of a thing you can't… [Link]
  • Cassie: That was probably me. I think pregnancy and childbirth are the coolest things the human body can do, but I… [Link]
  • a few: can you put something over the message from SIL? ribbon, bow, scrapbook wedding sticker, heart, picture, etc.? [Link]
  • a few: you both could possibly consider fostering or adopting older kids. then you would lose the parts you don't like about… [Link]

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11 Mar 13:34

First Lady to Drop in on Gardens Across the Country by Susan Harris

by Susan Harris

Click here to view the embedded video.

Big gardening news – our best advocate, with a bigger microphone and better media coverage than Martha Stewart ever had, will be dropping in on gardens, in a very public way, all year.  From People Magazine:

To celebrate her last season with the White House Kitchen Garden she installed on the South Lawn in her first year, Mrs. Obama is visiting Washington, D.C.-area gardens and surprising fellow planters with backyard-worthy swag. Inspired by all those who have joined her in supporting healthier kids and families through Let’s Move!, Mrs. Obama will be sharing the stories of gardens – be it in backyards, at schools, or in less conventional places – throughout the year.

The campaign was also announced on the Today Show, where it’ll appear regularly.


That video of her first three garden stops is filled with fun stuff, like seeing the kids react to Obama’s surprise arrival. My favorite lines include:

Obama to kids:” I do know who Joe Biden is.”

A student talking about her school garden: “We’re keeping earthworms and we’re composting.”


Next, Obama saying: “It’s really me.  I can’t believe I’m sitting here digging out worms with you guys.” And holding up the cup: “This is my cup of worms.”


Another stop was the back yard of two gardening activists who started their garden in order to “demonstrate how to live a lifestyle that was sustainable through growing and eating nutritious and delicious food,” according to Let’s Move. “The family also welcomes community members to their garden, even hosting workshops on various gardening topics.”

So what was it like for Eriks Brolis and Linda Bilsens, who thought they were just being filmed for HGTV? Washingtonian Magazine tells the story and it’s a hoot.

“We got a call from a Home and Garden TV producer, and then last week I met her, and she brought a few people with her,” recalls Brolis. “Then the next day, she brought more people. Each time, more and more people are showing up at my house—finally it was 9, 10 people. Nobody identified themselves as Secret Service or Michelle Obama’s staff. The day of the shoot arrives, and those 9, 10 people turn into 12 then 15 then 20 people. They’re setting up four, five cameras, and still photographers. I really at this point was asking, ‘Who are you?’ I was asking each person to identify their position. And they’d say, ‘Uh, producer.’ ”

First Lady Causes

Obama’s publicity-rich campaign for growing food got me Googling “First Lady causes,” where I read about such causes as the welfare of Civil War soldiers (Lincoln), the Girl Scouts (Hoover), and in my lifetime, awareness of alcoholism and breast cancer (Ford), just saying no to drugs (Reagan), and health care (Clinton).

First Ladies have no doubt done good things that aren’t well known, but public awareness campaigns can be judged by their success at getting attention, and gardening couldn’t have a better attention-getter than Obama.

And on a local note, I’m impressed that her team researched and found the schools and gardening activists most deserving of recognition. So if she comes to your town, expect to discover some awesome people and projects.

Readers in Texas are probably annoyed by now but don’t worry – I’m getting to Lady Bird! She was our first First Lady to promote the growing of plants and did a bang-up job bringing attention to the many benefits of beautification and the unknown cause (at that time) of native plants. If you weren’t born yet, read the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center‘s excellent summary of her environmental legacy.

First Lady to Drop in on Gardens Across the Country originally appeared on Garden Rant on March 11, 2016.

06 Apr 12:30

Ask Polly: How Do I Start Believing in My Worth?

by Heather Havrilesky

"But you will also start to draw boundaries around your squish. You will start to say, "Many other people are going to define my squish as faulty and not good enough, many other people are going to insult me and roll their eyes at me and they're not going to do it because they're 'just jealous,' they're going to believe in their hearts, that I am bad news, worthless, annoying. I am also going to believe these things sometimes. But I am making a decision right now to trust myself and to love myself and to protect myself from people who are either suspicious of me or 100 percent MEH about me. I am not going to blame them for this! But I am not going to improve myself for those people, either, just to become some imaginary peak version of myself eventually, someday, never. Instead, I am going to find other flawed and broken and loud and rattling things, I’m going to find other angry, self-doubting bags of microbial squish, and together, we are going to feel strong and odd and emotional and also triumphant together. "

Clown Fish

Dear Polly,

I've followed your writing for years, and I am interested in knowing how you went from a (self-described) lame, narcissistic asshole to the emotional guardian of radishes and sharp knives everywhere. Maybe I didn't read Disaster Preparedness closely enough, but I'd like some details: What was the moment when...More »

17 Mar 09:00

My Sleep Button

by mark

I'm intrigued....this sounds like it would also be really good for panic/anxiety attacks.

I’ve been using this tool since it was first released in April 2014.

The tool helps me get to sleep faster than I normally would. It also helps me get to sleep at odd times. I’m an emergency pediatrician who work shifts. Sometimes I need to sleep in the afternoon to prepare for a shift even if I don’t feel tired. The other sleep apps are all pretty much the same: They deliver white noise, music, other sounds, or meditation. There’s nothing special about that. None of them implements “the cognitive shuffle” (or SDI, serial diverse imagining).

mySleepButton (it’s free, with in-app purchases ranging from $3 to $5) is truly unique. It’s based on cognitive science. This smartphone app (Android, OS X) reads you a word or phrase, one at a time, and gets you to visualize each one for 5-10 seconds. Each word or phrase is very different from the previous one. It might get you to imagine a pear, a lamp shade, a rock, fishing, trying on hats, skiing, whatever. This is meant to imitate and induce the first stage of sleep (“N1″), where your mind drifts from one “random” thing to another. The app keeps my mind off of daytime issues. And it just knocks me out.

It even has a “mental drawing” mode in which you imagine yourself drawing stuff. (That’s Motor Imagery). This tires me out.

The guy who designed it (Dr. Beaudoin) is a cognitive science researcher from Simon Fraser University.

-- Michael Arsenault

29 Mar 21:39

Hario Cold Brew Coffee Pot

by mark

I’ve used this cold brew coffee pot for a year now and it makes the best iced coffee I’ve tasted. Cold brewing coffee results in a less acidic and more potent brew, perfect for iced coffee. It has gained popularity recently and now is even appearing at Starbucks stores. To make cold brew coffee you simply add about a cup coarse ground coffee to a liter of water and let it sit in room temperature water for 12 hours or in your refrigerator for 24 hours.

Before this perfect little pot the hard part was straining the grounds from the coffee, straining a liter of coffee through nut cloths or drip coffee filters was a ridiculous enterprise.

The Hairo has a permanent ultra fine poly filter that’s unlike any coffee filter I’ve seen. The filter sits in the top of the pitcher and once the brewing time is complete simply remove the filter, unsnap the bottom and remove the grounds.

The resultant brew will keep in your refrigerator for a few days, simply add more water or milk to taste and you have a potent, non bitter iced coffee with no fuss.

Hairo is a Japanese company with a great reputation in the coffee world (their ceramic pour over drip has been a staple for years). The quality and ease of use for under $20 makes this a worthwhile addition to my kitchen.

-- Tim Hollosy

Hario Water Brew Coffee Pot ($15)

International Amazon link

Available from Amazon

24 Mar 23:20

With the Passing of HB 2, North Carolina Signs Hate into Law

by Alaina

"What's so scary about HB 2 is that it doesn't seem discriminatory when first read, but the contradictions are all over it. It says that North Carolinians have the right not to be discriminated against, but then makes the basis of that protection "biological sex", immediately endangering anyone who isn't cisgender. This is terrifying."

The post With the Passing of HB 2, North Carolina Signs Hate into Law appeared first on Autostraddle.

23 Mar 18:38

Writing My Way Out

by Jen

Written for me yesterday, if only I had found it then.

In college I struggled with hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) because my diet was terrible and I tended to skip meals. I would get shaky, light-headed, tired, and then start to retreat into myself and shut down. I would go numb inside, sitting and staring at nothing for hours if left unchecked, not caring that I was getting worse, not caring that all I needed was a little food to make the numbness go away. (This continued into my marriage, embarrassingly enough, and it took many long months for John to figure out that the cure for his new bride's glassy-eyed funks was a large tablespoon of peanut butter.)

That's when I first learned how fickle feelings could be. If a crappy granola bar could make the sun shine again and life seem worth living, then how could I trust *anything* I was feeling?

Worse, I later realized that one of the biggest problems with feelings - or at least the crappy ones - is how permanent they always seem. When we feel bad it feels like we're going to feel bad forever. Time just stops, drops, and wallows in all the sadness, listlessness, anger, guilt, etc, and no matter how we try, we can't even imagine a time when the awfulness will fade. It's the world's worst magic trick, a malevolent ghost in the machine. It's the conviction born of a half-remembered nightmare, but one we don't question, because it feels like the truth.

Those are the times we have to hang on with blind faith, trusting in the very treachery of our own nature. Because the devastating, hope-affirming truth is, our feelings are rotten lying bastards.

I still remember my sense of betrayal the first time I had a little too much booze and the room wobbled. I hated the fact that something besides me was making me feel this way. I vowed to never give that kind of control to any drink, any drug. I wanted to feel the truth, not be lied to and manipulated by so many artificial shifting sands.

So these days, when I can chart my days of funks and fatigue and "don't you DARE talk to me"s like clockwork on the calendar, I again feel betrayed - but by my own body. I hate having my moods dictated by some extraneous organ spewing hormones. I hate being listless and sad when I have STUFF to do. I hate when John discounts my discontent because "it's just your grumpy day, babe," and then I yell back that it is NOT that time yet so no it is NOT my 'grumpy day', and then I really REALLY hate it when I check the calendar and John's right. Again.

On the bright(er) side, I've come to see my anxiety and agoraphobia in the same light: as simply more treacherous, fickle feelings that can never be trusted. They whisper, "forever," but they lie. They, too, are artificial shifting sands, the byproduct of something broken - something that I hope one day to fix.

But when I feel happy, and proud of something I've done, or grateful or peaceful or in awe of something beautiful, when I feel inspired and hopeful, when I laugh 'til I leak, or when I'm just cozy in the warmth of John's arms, I choose to believe that those are the times I feel the truth. If life really is what we make of it, then those are the foundations I will cling to.

I can't always control how I feel. Heck, I'm not convinced I can ever control how I feel. What I can control is how I interpret these ever-shifting sands, and how I channel them. I can control who and what I trust, and who and what I believe. I can choose to wait through the darkness, and trust that the light is coming. I can choose to wallow in the good, when I have it, as much as the bad.

I can choose to write everything down, and remember this feeling isn't forever.

I write these things to remind myself, because I need reminding pretty often. Maybe you do, too. Maybe the whole reason you found Epbot - if you believe in that kind of thing - is because you needed these words today. Maybe I'm only posting for you today. If so, then I think I speak for everyone here when I say: WORTH IT. Come wallow with us. We got your back.

21 Mar 17:00

Questions, Caring, And Who Gets To Be The Default

by Jaya Saxena

"Rarely do I make a decision without considering how it would affect those I care about, whether it’s whether or not to write about a certain experience or invite someone to a party or decide I have no social energy even though I’m wracked with guilt that at all points there is someone I haven’t seen in too long. "

Do we need to ask less of women or ask more of men?

Read more Questions, Caring, And Who Gets To Be The Default at The Toast.

21 Mar 14:31

Kimchi Cuddles is made possible entirely through viewer support!...


Speak the truth.

Kimchi Cuddles is made possible entirely through viewer support! Even $1/month makes a huge difference:

And check out the KIMCHI SHOP!

14 Mar 02:00

Meet The Newest Hamilton Fangirl

by Jen

AGREED. Listened to it this weekend, once a day for 3 days. Dammit this is good.

Spoiler: it's me.

Yep, my curiosity finally got the best of me, and I decided to see (or more accurately, hear) what so many online and in my circle of friends have been raving about.


For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, Hamilton is the newest smash hit on Broadway - though even "smash hit" is an understatement. Why? Because it's the story of founding father Alexander Hamilton, told through hip-hop. Yep, we're talking rap battles, pop ballads, the works.

If you're like me, you'll understand what all the fuss is about on the first listen, be hooked by the second, and completely in love by the third. I've listened to the entire soundtrack once a day for three days now, and I'm hoping to go 4-for-4 later tonight. This thing is clever, catchy, funny, and packs a stronger emotional punch with every listen. (I don't recommend listening to the last 20+ minutes in public. Two words: BAWLY MESS.)

And you can listen to the entire soundtrack for free  here on Hamilton's Youtube channel.
The handy-dandy playlist means you only have to hit 'play' once.

Or, if you're not ready to dive in just yet, here's quick clip to (hopefully) pique your interest:

... and a longer segment from CBS Good Morning that I found really interesting:

Parents should note the soundtrack has its share of F bombs and a little inappropriate sexy time action, which you can avoid if you skip the song "Say No To This."

 For everyone else, though: GO LISTEN. 

And for those already onboard the Hamilton-loving-bandwagon with me, check out this adorable fan art by the amazing Katie Cook:


Now to start counting down the days 'til the official tour (which hasn't even started yet) reaches Orlando...
11 Mar 12:45

The crocheted window treatment of your rainbow daydreams

by Megan Finley
Thanks to Morgensonne for uploading these photos to our Flickr pool!

I mean… the kitchen design alone is cause to squee. But then you throw in that amazing crocheted window treatment, and you have a rainbow-y halo-y light-streaming day-dream! Except it's real. And, assuming you had the crochet-ing skills, you could probably make one just like it.

Let's see some more photos…


H i p p i i i e e !!!!!

I mean, just look how cool that this treatment includes the valance…

ins Licht

Want a close-up of the disc crochet pattern? You got it…

in progress

A rainbow crochet window treatment in the kitchen. Who knew that would be so awesome? Well, we ALL do now.

Recent Comments

  • Lorijean: I would like to know to get this pattern want to decorate my house with it!!!!!!! [Link]
  • Naomi W: Wow, this makes me want to learn how to crochet. But I'm so about I make friends with somebody… [Link]
  • Sherry: Any chance that anyone out there has this pattern. I love the window curtain! [Link]
  • Bubbles: WHERE DID THOSE FANTASTIC CABINETS COME FROM? I must know! I especially love the upper ones. [Link]

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07 Mar 12:45

Put the fun back in funeral: I threw a surprise birthday funeral for my metamour

by Natalie


Funeral guests having a time.
Funeral guests.

The idea for a birthday funeral came to me unexpectedly… It was my birthday, and I was fondly reading all the well-wishes posted on Facebook from friends and family — musing to myself that it's not often that people are that expressive with their affection. It seems that such displays of verbose public love are reserved for either birthdays or funerals.

Suddenly an idea hit me: wouldn't it be a thrill to host a funeral for a living person, so they could listen to all the wonderful things people had to say about them? Plus for all my goth friends, a funeral party would be the ultimate indulgence!

But who did I know who would be so morbid as to enjoy being made into a corpse?

I called my partner Chris and said in a rush, "This may be a crazy idea, but do you think we could hold a surprise funeral for Kitty's birthday?"

Chris was silent for a long moment, and I thought, 'Wow, maybe this idea is too weird.' But he replied, "That is an amazing idea. Let's do this."

Kitty is my metamour — Chris's other partner — and a passionate devotee to all things dark, grotesque, and twisted. As her birthday falls on New Year's Eve, she very rarely has a birthday party of her own. I decided to remedy this with a surprise birthday party (no, a surprise birthday funeral!) two weeks before her birthday to really catch her off-guard.

Chris and I spread word of our plans to Kitty's nearest and dearest under strict instructions of absolute secrecy. We assigned various roles to friends based off their talents — one friend was asked to play the role of the celebrant, and a few overseas friends were asked to write eulogies. All guests were asked to bring a plate of food (as is traditional in times of mourning, I reminded them) and to wear their most fabulous funeral garb.

On the day of the funeral, Chris kept Kitty occupied whilst I turned our living room into a funeral parlour… black streamers were draped around the walls, candles were lit, and I turned our coffee table into a cushioned "death-bed" for the guest of honour. Guests trickled in about an hour before Chris and Kitty were due to arrive; we poured wine, set up a playlist of Gregorian funeral chants on Youtube, and cut blocks of cheese into tiny gravestones. We were all getting comfortably tipsy when I received a text from Chris warning me that they were on their way home.

Kitty mentioned later that she suspected something was afoot, and was expecting to find a gathering of friends joyfully crying, "SURPRISE" when Chris brought her back to our apartment. But when she was faced with a black crepe rosette on the front door, Gregorian funeral chants booming loudly down the hall, and a cluster of sombre friends in mourning veils clustered around a "coffin" in the living room, she froze. Our designated usher very gently guided Kitty to her deathbed and laid her down. Two more guests pulled a black sheet over her. I let out a small wail as I laid a flower over Kitty's crossed hands.

Our celebrant James welcomed the guests and began the service. After a dramatic and completely false story of Kitty's peculiar beginnings, he introduced Chris and I as we gave our individual eulogies. I used mine as an opportunity to give Kitty a bit of a roast whilst she was in no position to argue back. As she gave a squawk of indignation from beneath the shroud, James cried out, "Pay no attention to the foul gasses escaping the corpse!" and Chris "tearfully" slipped a nip of gin under the shroud to further "embalm the corpse." Any further noises from Kitty were met with whispers of "such foul gasses" from the mourners.

After James read out the eulogies from overseas friends, our friend Alicia sang a requiem dedicated to her "bad-decision buddy." James followed up with a scripture reading… which turned out to be a biblical language version of "My Humps." My other partner Daniel snapped photos of the mourners as they attempted to contain their giggles by turning them into melodramatic sobs, and dabbed at their eyes with handkerchiefs.

We concluded the ceremony by burying Kitty in soft toys before allowing her to "rise from the dead" with a blood-curdling screech. She sat upright on her deathbed looking a little dazed and overwhelmed (apparently there wasn't a lot of air under her shroud) as the entire party sang "Happy death-day to you" very loudly. Once we gave her a few minutes to compose herself, we launched into a very loud and drunken "wake" for the rest of the night. Black-Eyed Peas' "My Humps" was the first song on the playlist.

There had been a few points during preparation, from the ideas' conception through to the day of the party, when Chris and I would look at each other and ask, "Are we doing the right thing? Is this too weird?" But each time, we reassured ourselves that, if there was one person who would relish the opportunity to attend her own funeral, it was Kitty. Fortunately, she loved it.

After a coffin-shaped birthday cake was served, she said the whole experience was the "loveliest, most gorgeously macabre thing that anyone has ever done" for her.

Our suspicions about Kitty being the perfect "guest of honour" were further confirmed about a week later, when Kitty ran into a friend who hadn't been able to attend. He grabbed her hand and said, "I was so sorry to miss your funeral!"

"That's okay." Kitty replied brightly. "One day, I'll have another one."

Recent Comments

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01 Mar 12:45

How I deal with online hate (as someone with 20k+ followers)

by Minerva Siegel
@Spookyfatbabe's Instagram page.
@Spookyfatbabe's Instagram page.

I started my Instagram account purely as an indulgence. The whole account is almost all selfies or words of self-love and empowerment. I was shocked when, after only a few days, I had hundreds of followers. Suddenly, that doubled, and doubled again, and now my account has well over 20k followers. I have thousands more on tumblr, and my blog, Donuts & Dissent, has thousands of followers, too.

I get a lot of messages of support and kindness every day from people, both men and women, who say that seeing me, a fat babe, being so confident and at home in my skin is inspiring to them.

I also get a lot of hate messages every day from trolls who tell me to kill myself, send death threats, and tell me I'm ugly using every kind of language imaginable. Hate accounts regularly launch hate-campaigns against me, during which a lot of trolls go through all my photos at once and comment hateful things in a big wave.

I'll admit that, at first, I was shocked by how hateful people were. It used to get to me. Their cruelty made me question what I was doing and whether or not I'm beautiful enough to be putting photos of myself on the internet for everyone to see.

So, how did I get over it? How do I not let the hate get to me?

Firstly, you have to realize a few things about the trolls spewing the cruelty:

1. They're projecting

Strong, secure people don't tear others down like that. The trolls obviously have very deep-seeded self-loathing that they're projecting by calling me names and ridiculing my appearance. They're unhappy, insecure people who want everyone else to wallow in self-hatred with them.

2. They're pathetic

You have to realize that these people are literally taking time out of their day to sit on the internet, peruse body-positive hashtags, go through my account and spew hate at me. What sad lives they must lead! It's truly pathetic that anyone has the time or level of self-hatred to be that committed to trying to bring other people down. They're obviously not doing anything productive, fulfilling or worthwhile with their lives.

3. They're cowards

The people commenting hateful things on my posts are almost always doing so from behind anonymous or fake profiles. They're absolute cowards. They don't have the courage to stand up and sign their name to their actions. I realize that I'm brave for putting myself out there and open to public ridicule — realize that they're cowardly and pathetic for not fighting a fair fight by making themselves public, too.

I don't engage trolls, and I recommend that you don't, either

In the beginning of having public accounts, I used to try to fight back against the haters, and that was stupid of me — it just fueled their fire. That's what they want. The best thing to do is to report their comments and profiles, ban them from your life and move on.

You're glorious

There is so much to celebrate about ourselves and our unique diversity. There's no one, set type of beauty — we're all beautiful and lovely in our own ways, so don't waste your time trying to conform to one narrow-minded scope of someone's idea of beauty. Revel in your own uniqueness and be proud of who you are and what makes you special.

Don't let the bastards get you down

Remember points 1-3 — that trolls are just pathetic cowards with huge amounts of insecurity and self-loathing that they're trying to project on to you, because they're threatened by your beauty and confidence. Don't engage the hate — just report and block them. If you get fired up about it and fight back, they win.

Stay confident, hold your head up high, and proudly show off that beautiful selfie!

Recent Comments

  • Ariel Meadow Stallings: My first serious internet troll found me in 2002, and I had a period in 2005 - 2008 where I… [Link]
  • Lauren "Wingéd Elf Girl" Sparks: Doooon't feeeed the troooolls. You make me so happy in every way, Minerva - your looks, attitude… [Link]
  • GraceFace: In 2012, I made a YouTube video that made its way to a 4chan board and people were . .… [Link]
  • Beth K.: Thanks for such a great post! I'm not quite sure how such the internet developed into such a hate… [Link]
  • K.: Exactly this. The points she laid out about internet trolls was 100% accurate. [Link]

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29 Feb 17:18

The unspoken dangers of polyamory… contracting your...

The unspoken dangers of polyamory… contracting your lovers’ fandoms!

Kimchi Cuddles is made possible entirely through viewer support! Even $1/month makes a huge difference. Check out the new rewards I’m offering:

23 Feb 08:01

Body Image by Thomke Meyer

by Matthew Nolan


Say hello to Thomke Meyer!

Erika and I are still catching up after our San Francisco trip, so today we’ve got a wordless, short story all about body image. It’s a very different feel and vibe, a strong sobering effect when put in amidst so many of our pun-heavy comics. I think it matches the subject matter perfectly. I love it and I think we can all relate to it.

Go visit Thomke’s lovely portfolios site and check out the rest of her amazing illustrative work.

23 Feb 12:45

Why is it still socially un-acceptable to discuss your personal financial security as a married woman?

by Chris
Fotos para pauta
By: Jenifer CorrêaCC BY 2.0

I've had two conversations in the past couple months that have set off a bit of a lightbulb in my brain.

It still isn't socially acceptable to discuss your personal financial security as a married woman. I will tell you why that's not cool. (Beware of gendered language ahead…)

Conversation A

I was sitting with three men, one of whom is my legal spouse. The other two were relatives of roughly the same age as us. I recounted a story where a woman gave me some verbal side-eye about not changing my last name, and I expected all four of us to have a good chuckle. "Why does anyone care, right?"

"Well, it's still less common for the woman to keep her last name," one of the relatives said.

Setting aside minor things like the impact it would have had on my career, and the fact that I like my damn last name, I responded with, "It was literally the easiest route. It took less work to keep my name, and oh hey, it's one less massive headache in the case of divorce."

Cue the mock gasps. I expected them, but I wished I didn't have to.

Conversation B

A routine update to a credit card I share with my husband was a mild hassle because I was listed as an authorized user, rather than a joint user. After some research, I came to the realization that an authorized user may not be growing their individual credit, whereas the primary user or a joint user would be.

I mentioned to my husband that we should probably do something about that.

"What's the difference?" he asked.

"I may not be able to use it in my credit history if we separated." I tried not to put it like that, I really did, but I couldn't think of any other way to say it. And because he's intelligent and appreciates financial responsibility, he agreed that was a good thing. But not after a, "tsk, all this separation talk."

Which made me realize…

A woman's own financial security and independence is still a taboo topic while she is married

Why is this?

Couples who have combined their finances often save emergency funds. Often we have disability insurance. We do these things even though no one's planning on getting in a car wreck or contracting a debilitating disease. But we plan for it nonetheless, and we talk about it, and no one's clutching their pearls and saying, "They must have a death wish."

But a married woman preparing for personal financial security carries a special stigma. You said "divorce," therefore you must not truly love your spouse. You said "separation," you must be planning on leaving. I can't believe you had that in the back of your mind all along, how dare you.

Some might argue that I am comparing apples to oranges. A car wreck does not equal a divorce. Okay. You can be just as caught off guard by both.

The divorce rate is common knowledge. How is it financially irresponsible to keep it in mind? In both the case of the last name and the credit card authorization, my husband has as much ownership as he would have in the case of our separation. His independence, in his identity and his finances, is the default both inside and outside of marriage. No one is fretting that he is "planning" for divorce, yet he is better prepared all the same.

It's true that I'm privileged to be able to legally make the same preparations for myself. I'd like the additional privilege of being able to do so without the one-sided stigma.

Recent Comments

  • Cass: Regardless of the OP's reasons for keeping her own financial security, many cultures treat women differently in a divorce. Something… [Link]
  • John Farrier: But then again, I'm a huge believer that one does not say "divorce" or "separation" in the context of one's… [Link]
  • John Farrier: If both parties in the marriage keep their vows, how would a divorce just "happen"? [Link]
  • meiry: So much yes to all of this! I also kept my last name, and for the most part I control… [Link]
  • Tribesmaid OnTheBrink!: I'm always surprised by how people react to the idea of a pre-nup. It definitely isn't romantic but marriage… [Link]

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18 Feb 12:45

Getting stoned with my vagina revolutionized my feelings about my own sexual body

by Roxie Hunt

Whaaaaaat. Yes.

Photo by Roxie Hunt.
Photo by Roxie Hunt.

I haven't spent much time, aside from the minimal grooming and maintenance, paying special attention to my vagina. One might say that I have been neglectful of the spiritual needs of my own vagina, having been raised a woman in American society and all that.

I haven't spent much time talking about my vagina either, because, well, it doesn't seem appropriate to talk about the part of me that has been such a source of secret, deep-seated shame and embarrassment for my entire life.

Why a perfectly healthy, vibrant woman would be ashamed of her own perfectly healthy, vibrant vagina is a different subject all together. We will file that one under "Future bones to pick with the Patriarchy." A different story for a different day. We will just say that hiding and quieting my vagina has just sort of been a major part of my role as a female, and hiding tends to lead to shameful feelings. Am I Right?

Getting stoned with my vagina revolutionized my feelings about my own sexual body. I am still trying to figure out how to categorize the experience in the file cabinets of my mind, so bear with me as I recount the story and my feelings about it.

Here is the story…

A couple months back, a dear alchemist friend of mine gifted me some "Beaver Balm," a pink cinnamon smelling goo, made with a blend of organic oils and infused with sativa, formulated for her pleasure. I was very eager to try it out, what with the stories and testaments of the magic of the stoned yoni which have been circulating in the past few years. With all that and the words of a close friend in my head — "I discovered weed balm for my vag, and I haven't left my bed for the last week" — I had to give it a try.

It seemed appropriate to first experiment on my own, in the safety and comfort of my own bed, on a day when my husband was at work, and kids at school. Today was for me and my vagina. I applied my beaver balm, generously. It melted like butter and felt warm, with a nice tingle. I pulled my pants and undies back up and went about my business, tidying the house, made myself a cup of coffee. Usual stuff. Twenty minutes later, my vagina was stoned. As in fully heightened senses, relaxed, giggly (yes it really was), thoughtful, and with a legit case of the munchies.

The feeling was unmistakably like being high on good pot, but in my vagina instead of in my head. The rest of me felt normal, completely unimpaired. My vagina appeared to be operating as its own entity — asserting its lovely personality and sense of humor. A new awareness set in. My vagina, after all this time, wanted to be friends.

For the next twenty minutes, my vagina laughed with me at the absurdity of our cultures' obsession with the female body and shame around our sexuality. My vagina, in a friendly jab sort of way, told me to lighten up a little bit and stop acting so repressed. My vagina assured me that just because I carried the torch of generations of puritanical thoughts and beliefs, didn't mean I couldn't drop the torch at any point, and keep walking. My vagina confessed that it didn't have a good grasp on what "gender" even meant, let alone how to identify. My vagina said "I'm hungry. Got any snacks?" And I was like, what does that even mean!? How do you… I don't even know what to do with that question. Just absolutely stumped. We laughed, we cried, and then we decided to take a nap.

This experience left me absolutely struck… The discovery of the capability of my vagina to be so insightful and hold its own in a heated discussion, and of its ability to relate, and its quickness to engage with me — even after a lifetimes worth of neglect.

I realized that maybe I hadn't given my vagina the credit it deserved in the past. I hadn't tuned in and listened. I had been quieting it myself, without even realizing it. And after all of this, it forgave me! The Beaver Balm had helped us initiate communication, and begun the process of healing the rift which had divided us all these years.

I can now officially say that I have seen the light, and that I have had conversations with my vagina. What I am thrilled to report is that beyond the heightened sexual experiences that are promised by cannabis lubes, lies the experience of an honest conversation, a good laugh, and a different kind of awareness… and if you are lucky like me, a new-found vaginal kinship.

As we nodded off together, my vagina said, "Hey. Don't forget. We are in this together!" I smiled, and nodded lazily in agreement. I had to ask though If we really are in this together, then how is it that you are you stoned, and I'm not. To which it responded "You! Always analyzing and questioning! Just relax and give in to the mystery."

Which was exactly what I needed to hear.

What would your vagina say in a weed induced state? #pussytalk

Recent Comments

  • Ruth: I live in a pot-legal state (Oregon), and would be interested in a product like this. Any recommendation that actually… [Link]
  • Bird: I am also wondering if cannabis containing balms could be a replacement for lidocaine... [Link]
  • Mouse: Roxie, This post was exactly what I needed to read. I have had a ridiculous gender-fluid-fueled on-again-off-again relationship… [Link]
  • Cass: I suffer from vulvar-vaginal pain, and because of this have a terrible relationship with my lady parts. A product like… [Link]
  • Fate: This article was amazing and I'm still giggling and wondering where I get some beaver balm. I definitely could use… [Link]

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16 Feb 18:00

Reasons Why I Am Totally Fine And Not Freaked Out To Be A Slytherin

by Jaya Saxena


1. Slytherins definitely have the best music taste.

Read more Reasons Why I Am Totally Fine And Not Freaked Out To Be A Slytherin at The Toast.