
Young bride, 1928
It is our hope that our daughters will marry young, ideally around age 19; I have already begun gently talking to the middle-schoolers about the importance of marriage and taking seriously from an early age the search for a suitable husband.
How young should a girl marry? In most states, according to Teens / Minors Marriage License laws, if you are 16 or 17 years old, you can marry with written parental consent. If you are 15 or younger, you will need both parental consent and the approval of the probate court.
Although I would prefer our daughters to wait until around age 18 to marry, if one of them met a highly appropriate young man, and both of the families were in agreement that they would make a good marriage match, I would consider allowing them to marry at 17, which is the age my mother married my father, who was 19. Sixteen or younger seems very young to me and I would probably encourage them to wait a bit, simply because babies tend to follow marriages. However, if one of our daughters married at 17 and immediately became pregnant, I still don’t think that’s such a big problem; after all, by the time I was 13, I was regularly baby-sitting in the evenings for families with toddlers and babies. Baby-sitting is not as great a responsibility as parenting, of course, but if a girl begins to babysit by 12 or 13, then by 18 she should have enough experience with children to manage one of her own if she is married. Proverbs 17:6 says Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers, so why discourage our children from marrying and having children?
How has the age of marriage changed over time? Did teen-age marriages use to be common? The U.S. began tracking age of marriage in 1890, but according to the U.S. Census, in 1840 the average age at first marriage for women is estimated to have been between 21 and 22 years of age. Here are the more modern statistics:
Median Age at First Marriage, 1890–2010
| Year |
Males |
Females |
| 1890 |
26.1 |
22.0 |
| 1900 |
25.9 |
21.9 |
| 1910 |
25.1 |
21.6 |
| 1920 |
24.6 |
21.2 |
| 1930 |
24.3 |
21.3 |
| 1940 |
24.3 |
21.5 |
| 1950 |
22.8 |
20.3 |
| 1960 |
22.8 |
20.3 |
| 1970 |
23.2 |
20.8 |
| 1980 |
24.7 |
22.0 |
| 1990 |
26.1 |
23.9 |
| 2000 |
26.8 |
25.1 |
| 2010 |
28.2 |
26.1 |
| 2012 |
28.6 |
26.6 |
From the lowest average age of around 20 in the 1950s and 60s, there has been an increase of nearly seven years in age for women. That’s a pretty significant jump in only fifty to sixty years, not to mention the fact that the “never married” category has significantly increased as well.
So, what are the reasons for girls waiting so long to marry? There are three main objections that are usually raised in opposition to early marriage.
1. They are not mature enough.
One of the main arguments I hear is that girls under 22 are simply too immature for what marriage entails. But these girls are already having sex; if they are mature enough to have sex with a string of boys, surely they are mature enough to be married to one. It’s a safer bet than trying out a bunch of different guys, especially considering the fact that a woman’s risk of divorce increases as her partner count increases. If they are old enough to go away to college and live on their own, they are old enough to live with a spouse. It never ceases to amaze me when parents think their immature daughters would do well to move away from home, travel around Europe, and sleep with a bunch of guys, but that they couldn’t possibly handle having a husband. It’s a completely illogical position to hold.
Consider this, from Wikipedia’s Adolescent sexuality in the United States:
Percent of teens who claim to have had sex, by age
| Age |
Boys |
Girls |
| 14 |
7.9% |
5.7% |
| 15 |
14.6% |
13.0% |
| 16 |
25.3% |
26.8% |
| 17 |
39.4% |
43.1% |
| 18 |
54.3% |
58.0% |
| 19 |
65.2% |
70.1% |
In Further thoughts on moral agency, Donalgraeme explains:
When the cost of sex is cheap, young adults will pursue it. Without a great deal of self-control, pre-marital sex is going to happen, and young adults are not known for their self-control. And even self-control might not be enough. I doubt that a hundred years ago it was only the cost of sex which made it rare; parents almost certainly took steps to protect their daughters. … In an age where the cost of sex is cheap, the only way to keep your daughters from engaging in pre-marital sex is to keep them away from men or for them to marry early.
By the time they are eighteen, the majority of girls are already sexually active, which is why we should remember the story of the woman in Roissy’s Five Minutes Of Alpha = Fifty Years Of Pining; it only took one man to ruin that woman for life, contributing to an unfulfilling marriage and eventual divorce for her. I would much rather have my daughters marry young and bond hard to that one man than to be the metaphorical piece of tape that has been stuck to too many different things and can no longer stick to anything.
2. They will just end up divorced.
Another reason that people sometimes object to young marriage is because young-marrieds face an increased risk of divorce.
But why is this so?
In Are young marriages doomed to divorce?, Dalrock explains four possible reasons:
- Young marriage increases divorce risk because young women “don’t know who they are” yet.
- Women with higher IQs tend to go to college, and women who go to college tend to marry later. Given that IQ tends to negatively correlate with divorce, this could be what is actually being observed…
- Some percentage of young marriage (especially very young marriage) may be associated with impulsiveness, which itself would increase divorce rates.
- Divorce rates are highest when women are youngest and have the best chance of remarriage. Couples who marry when the wife is young are exposed to higher risk of divorce due to the wife being more attractive to other men.
He examines data that lends a lot of support to number 4. Although he believes that all four factors probably contribute to the increased risk of divorce for young-marrieds, he concludes that these risks are not insurmountable and that young marriage comes with benefits:
the idea that young marriages inherently have uncompensated risk for divorce seems to be very much in question. If you understand the risk factors of impulsiveness and the benefits of higher IQ, and the woman is following the model I propose in part 1 I think you have an opportunity to significantly better your odds. Additionally, waiting to marry a woman who is older, more set in her ways, and has a higher partner count comes with its own set of risks, and this seems consistent with the last chart I shared for the UK. Much of the additional risk of marrying a young woman appears to come specifically from the fact that she is more beautiful and fertile and therefore has greater opportunity to remarry. With this in mind, waiting until your prospective wife isn’t as desirable isn’t a choice I think most men are likely to want to make. In that case, the risk itself comes with important compensation.
I would rather have my daughters find their husbands while they are still young and can give their husbands the gift of their youth and beauty than to squander those years playing single career girl and dating around.
3. They need to finish their education and get a job first.
This may be true for young men, but this is not true for young women. Even if the girl intends to pursue an education and get a job, there is nothing about being married that would prevent her from doing so. She can easily attend classes while being married. However, the value of a college education is suspect in the modern age, especially for the kinds of subjects women tend to major in, and I will strongly encourage our daughters to consider whether they really need a college degree. I have no desire for them to be the sort of women whose goal, as Dalrock wrote in Playing Career Woman, is:
having a career as a badge of status to be collected on their way to their ultimate goal of stay at home housewife. They aren’t really career women, they are playing career woman
I don’t want our daughters to spend their time chasing after useless degrees only to find that when they finally wish to marry, they are 30 and cannot find a husband, nor do I wish for them to be in their mid-thirties and trying to have their first child only to find that they waited too long.
And even if their husbands are at the beginning of their careers and aren’t making a lot of money, so what? We are far too materialistic in our society; there is no need to be wealthy in order to marry. Let girls learn to be frugal housewives or perhaps work at a job at the beginning of their marriages; the struggle will be good for them in that it will strengthen their characters. Then they can say, as Paul did in Philippians 4:12, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
A final word to mothers:
Hopefully you are preparing your daughters to be wives and mothers, but as you teach them how to care for children, love and respect their husbands, and keep their homes, don’t forget how important prayer is. I began praying for our daughters’ future husbands about five or six years ago; not just that God would bring the right husband at the right time, but also praying for these unknown young men and their families, in particular for their spiritual development. Marriage is such an important aspect of a woman’s life – don’t leave this to chance, ladies. Start praying for your children’s future spouses now. I already ask God to protect our daughters’ future marriages, and I declare in Jesus’ name that divorce will not come near them. I ask that they would be protected from any abuse, adultery, and mental or physical separation. Satan is not some imaginary character in a little red devil’s suit; he is real and his goal is to destroy marriage, which represents Christ and His bride, the Church. This is a battle to be taken seriously, but most Christians are too busy sipping their lattes in the church cafe to bother with actually praying for and interceding on behalf of marriage in general and their families’ marriages in specific. Don’t make that mistake; start praying now.