WASHINGTON—In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one’s ass across carpet. “Doctors won’t tell you this, but you don’t need medication for a tapeworm—all you need is the natural power of friction,” Kennedy said as he dropped to the floor, lifted his legs high, and dragged his ass along the White House carpet during a press conference. “Big pharma will urge you to paralyze the tapeworm with dangerous, addictive drugs we don’t know anything about, but they just want to keep you infected with tapeworms so you become dependent on them. Just raise your legs to make sure your anus comes in direct contact with the carpet, then use your arms to propel yourself forward. It’s the natural way people used to get rid of tapeworms back in the ’60s and ’70s before the health-industrial complex corrupted everything. I’ve been doing it every week for years to take care of my constant anal swelling.” Kennedy added that peer-reviewed scientific journals have been involved in a massive conspiracy to cover up his research on ass-scooting and have constantly rejected all the photos he’s sent them proving it works.

The post RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

TikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word “Epstein” in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think?

The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.

The post LeBron James Clearly Using Golf Simulator On Bench appeared first on The Onion.

The post Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying For appeared first on The Onion.

TORONTO – The decision to ban journalists and photographers from their policy convention this weekend has allowed Doug Ford’s governing PC Party of Ontario to celebrate naturism between friends and colleagues after decades of disappointment and regret. This “birthday suit mandatory” policy represents a break in tradition, as past policy conventions were covered by national […]

The post Press blackout allows Ontario PCs to finally have all-nude convention appeared first on The Beaverton.

NEW YORK – A judge has ruled that U.S. Federal prosecutors cannot request the death penalty against Luigi Mangione in the killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, citing the defendant’s chiseled good looks and “magical” smile. In citing this precedent (Grant v Avanti (1986)) to protect Mangione’s life, Judge Garnett wrote that she did so […]

The post Judge dismisses death penalty for Luigi Mangione citing “Too Sexy To Die” precedent appeared first on The Beaverton.

Hey, patriot.

It’s been a week.

As ICE spreads terror through the streets, and Teacup Eichmann presided over the murder of yet another innocent civilian in Minneapolis (bringing this year’s known death toll up to eight), I know a lot of you are struggling to recognize me lately.

And while I don’t know what’s going to happen next either, I want to at least assuage your fears that I’m turning into Nazi Germany or Franco’s Spain or some other scary, distant place torn from your history books. Because that’s not what’s happening.

Baby, look into my star-spangled eyes. It’s me.

I’m your America.

Maybe you didn’t recognize me without my hood up.

I’ve been brutalizing civilians in my streets ever since I was built on stolen land.

I tore children from their mothers’ arms at the auction block, cut braids and buried bones at residential schools, and locked those girls inside the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory.

I cracked skulls at Stonewall and Rock Springs, slammed the gates shut at Manzanar, and bombed Black Wall Street into dust.

I dragged disabled activists out of their wheelchairs and down the Capitol steps.

I came for the socialists and communists and trade unionists.

I killed Alex Pretti and Renee Good and Keith Porter Jr. and Luis Gustavo Núñez Cáceres and Geraldo Lunas Campos and Víctor Manuel Díaz and Parady La and Luis Beltrán Yáñez–Cruz and Heber Sánchez Domínguez and Philando Castile and Emmett Till and Sandra Bland and Breonna Taylor and Elijah McClain and Harry and Harriette Moore and Paul Guihard and George Floyd and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Tamir Rice and Medgar Evers and Ahmaud Arbery and Heather Heyer and Jordan Neely and Addie Mae Collins and Denise McNair and Carole Robertson and Cynthia Wesley and and and and and and and and and and and and and and

I’ve always carried this gun. Maybe you’ve never seen it pointed at you.

I’m blue jeans and apple pie and the Indian Removal Act.

Before Alligator Alcatraz, I was Krome.

I said, “Give me your tired, your poor,” with one side of my mouth, and shouted “Go back where you came from” with the other.

I forced the shape of English onto resisting tongues and then dared to call it “broken.”

I toppled fourteen foreign governments before breakfast and let Hitler copy my homework.

I said “law and order” and meant “slave patrols.”

I helped myself to Mexico, then got mad that there were Mexicans in it.

I’m not changing. I’m just expanding my repertoire.

This isn’t even the first time I’ve shot white people.

But I put on a good show for company and holidays.

Didn’t we have some good times, baby? Remember the barbeques and fireworks? Everyone loves fireworks—except my veterans and mass shooting survivors. And your dogs, of course.

I am my own original sin. One someone is always willing to forgive.

Until enough of you demand that I be better.

I have only changed in spite of myself.

Every scrap of progress has been torn from my clenched talons by citizens who loved me more than themselves and their neighbors more than me.

I am “the land that has never been yet.”

But I could be.

I could be.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
For the record, if you complain that I neglected cheese you're just fulfilling the stereotype.

Today's News:

Hundreds of students at Waco and University high schools walked out of their last-period class to demonstrate against federal immigration actions.

The post Waco ISD students stage walkouts, joining nationwide protests against ICE appeared first on The Waco Bridge.

HYDE PARK, NY—Stifling their groans as an instructor distributed the wailing infants, students at the Culinary Institute of America were reportedly given a live baby Friday to learn how to care for a bag of flour. “Flour is the most delicate of the pantry staples, and looking after this child for the week will prepare you to deal with the complexities of milled grain,” said Inès Allard, who teaches introduction to baking and pastry at the school, explaining that the students would have to keep the baby from leaking just as they would need to do with an actual sack of processed wheat. “I know it’s not a real bag of flour, but it’s important to take this seriously. And trust me, this is easy mode—babies can be left out in the open, but if you do that with flour, you get ants. If you can’t handle a live infant, then you sure as hell aren’t ready for 10 pounds of ultra-fine pizza flour crafted from the highest-quality varieties of soft wheat.” At press time, reports indicated that many students had already decided it would be too much work to have a flour bag of their own.

The post Culinary Students Given Live Baby To Learn How To Care For Bag Of Flour appeared first on The Onion.

After coming under fire for some earlier comments about Latinos, Crockett is working to narrow Democratic rival James Talarico’s lead among the key voting bloc.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I cried at work and my coworkers won’t stop asking if I’m okay

I work in a small office where there are some strong personalities and, though our manager is very nice and reasonable, there’s only so much you can do about people like that.

Yesterday, two of my coworkers (Mary and John) and I ended up having to do mediation with our manager over the pettiest shit imaginable. It’s so petty I can summarize the whole thing in one sentence: John walked in while Mary and I were prepping for a workshop, put a form whose processing is not my job on my desk, and when I asked him why he was giving it to me, snatched it back and walked out while ignoring Mary’s attempts to make small talk.

Later, John informed me that Mary and I had been bullying and harassing him and he had called our manager, Lisa, who would be having one-to-one talks with us about it.

I was so, so mad. Mary and John both use me as a screaming pillow when they want to vent or are angry about some new stupid policy and, since my workspace is by the front desk, I can’t just walk away since they block the exits. I end up smiling and nodding until they’re done. If I snapped a bit, then okay, but I deeply resent the fact that it became a huge issue worthy of calling the manager the one time I happened to sound anything less than perfectly pleasant and demure, when he’s allowed to be loud and shouty all the time.

The problem is that when I get really angry, I cry. Not just tearing up, but full-on sobbing to the point where I can’t speak. Despite my best efforts, during the talk with my manager (who wasn’t even grilling me or anything, just chatting with me to get my perspective), years of pent-up frustration with my coworkers broke the dam and I burst into tears. Lisa was very nice about it, but it was humiliating.

Since then, Mary and Lisa keep asking me if I’m alright despite me repeatedly saying that yes, I am. I just want them to forget they saw or heard anything and move on. I know they’re only asking because they care, and it feels really mean to just be like, “Stop asking me that.” Is this just something I have to wait out, or can I do something to convince them I really am okay and they don’t need to keep asking?

“I know it was a big reaction and you’re asking out of concern, but honestly, I’m embarrassed and would be really grateful if we could just move past it.” If you want, you could add, “I promise you I’m fine and, the faster it’s behind me, the better I will feel.”

That said … is there maybe an opening here to talk to Lisa about your frustrations with John shouting and trapping you at your desk to rant and so forth? I get it if you just don’t want to have to talk about it anymore, but it sounds like you have some legitimate frustrations that an effective manager could act on if she knew about them. (Of course, maybe she does. Maybe you’ve tried this enough in the past to no avail and that’s why you just want to be done talking about it, in which case ignore this paragraph.)

2. How should I call out for a general strike?

What is the correct way to call out on Friday if one wants to participate in the general strike? I’m still trying to decide if it’s something I can/should do (I support the cause 100%, just unsure if it makes an impact for me to participate from another state while working for an unrelated local government agency), but I don’t know if using a sick day is the right way to do it or if I should use a vacation day. I’m unlikely to be questioned about using a sick day, for what it’s worth, though I could maaaybe be straight with my boss about the reason and use a vacation day.

First, for people who don’t know, a general strike is when people from multiple industries (ideally all or most) unite to withhold their labor. One is called for today (Friday) to protest violence by ICE, including the murders of Renee Good and Alex Pretti; organizers are asking people to abstain from work, school, and shopping.

If your workplace isn’t unionized, then you probably don’t have the legal right to strike on your own without the risk of losing your job. A safer option if you want to participate is to call out sick. (Caveat: if a bunch of your coworkers call out sick without actually being sick, you do risk disciplinary action. That might not happen, but be aware that it could. In general, striking or participating in any form of collective action always carries possible risk.) Also, be safe and don’t use your company’s email or messaging systems to talk about this or to organize.

But if you don’t feel you can safely participate in a general strike, there are still lots of other ways you can help, such as contacting your legislators (if you’ve already contacted them, contact them again), donating to organizations doing work you support, volunteering, and getting involving in mutual aid work in your community.

3. I got stuck paying my own tab at a company party where they footed the bill

I work for a small company. Every year we vote on having our Christmas party catered or we going to a restaurant for a pre-fixed, set price menu, which is paid before. The company will not pay for any alcohol.

Every year, I vote for an in-office, catered party, as I previously worked in restaurants and saw too many fiascos at company parties. However, this year the vote was for at a nearby restaurant. The party went fine and my coworkers and I all had one or two drinks apiece. At the end of the meal, our branch manager (not the owner who had made the no-alcohol rule) generously went to the bar and paid the whole party’s bar tab.

But as we were leaving, the waiter chased me down and said I needed to pay my bar tab. I was confused, but I know mistakes happen and since my boss was not nearby me, I paid the $84, plus tip, and figured I would just mention it to my boss the next day. Hindsight being 20/20, I understand now that I should have questioned it at the time. But we were literally heading out and I thought it might embarrass my boss to put her on the spot.

The next morning, I mentioned it to my boss and she said that she had paid the whole bill and had the receipt listing every item ordered. She called the restaurant and they had no explanation, so I was still confused as to what I was charged for.

However, in her retelling to me of the conversation, she said something I didn’t fully register at the time. Which is that she didn’t tip on the bar tab, which might mean the waiter approached me to get payment for the gratuity. I’m still not sure, to be honest I don’t feel like the numbers add up, but if it my boss really didn’t tip then I’d rather just leave it, as I would hate for that to be true. But I’m also pretty frustrated because I feel I got put in a situation I wanted to avoid from the start and am now paying $100 more than my colleagues who voted for this option.

My boss is now furious about how I was treated (why did the waiter single me out, when she was the host?) and wants to go to the restaurant in person for an explanation. If the explanation is that it’s the missing gratuity, I’d rather just leave it, but I’m pretty sure it would offend my boss to say that. But it’s also possible that’s not even true. What do I do?

Let your boss go to the restaurant and sort it out. As the host of the event, it’s reasonable that she’s upset about an employee being charged for something they weren’t supposed to be charged for, and it’s reasonable for her to take responsibility for sorting it out. If that leads to the restaurant explaining that no tip was left, then so be it — if she’s offended by that, you won’t be the one explaining it. And there’s some value in her hearing that it’s not okay not to tip (and this gets it done without you having to be the one to tell her). 

That said, I’m not sure this is about the tip — at least in my area, unless the restaurant has a policy of adding it to the bill for large parties, they couldn’t just hand you a bill for it. (And if they did have that policy, presumably it would have been on the original bill … although maybe it was and she ignored it, and that’s what happened?) Anyway, let her sort it out.

4. Office renovation disaster has led to more disasters

I work for a large company on-site at a manufacturing plant, with 2,700 employees at my location. I am an assistant manager in purchasing, so not directly tied to production. A few offices in the plant were recently renovated, but someone miscounted the number of desks needed. We wound up being about 50 desks short for our office of about 150 (oops). Because fewer desks were purchased, they ordered bigger desks, and some conference rooms were built to take up the extra space. We were making do with only 100 desks until work-from-home policies changed, which means we now need all 150 of those desks and do not have space for them in our office (double oops).

To account for this, multiple departments have been shuffled around the plant, majority being flip flopped between two offices. Office A has prime real estate: right next to the cafeteria and restrooms, elevators nearby, etc. Office B is halfway across the plant and walking through the plant on a “catwalk,” or pathway above the manufacturing floor. Office staff usually get the worst parking spots, so it’s almost a half mile walk to Office B. In addition, to get to Office B, associates must walk up two flights of stairs (an elevator is available), down a flight of stairs (no elevator), then back up a flight of stairs (no elevator). There are no restrooms or water fountains on that floor, so they have to go up and down 1-2 flights of stairs (no elevator) every time they need to use the bathroom. On top of this, each bathroom is closed for cleaning at different times every day, so some unlucky associates may be stuck doing a second 1-2 flights of stairs (no elevator) if the first is closed. Of course, our department was one of the departments that moved from Office A to Office B.

All 150 of us who moved offices had to pack up everything from our desks and carry it across the plant/catwalk (including monitors and standing desks), as we did not have movers in the budget. We did have temporary access to a freight elevator for the standing desks/monitors, but everything else had to be carried up/down stairs by our office staff.

Since we moved, a few associates had medical conditions pop up and can’t get to Office B with the stairs/walking through the plant. That means people either have to work in Office A away from their team, or work from home until they are able to resume stairs/walking through the plant.

This is weird, right? I imagine a day will come where an associate cannot walk to our office due to illness/age/medical situation, then what? I feel like I’m in the middle of a TV show and would love some validation that this isn’t normal?!

Correct, this is weird and not normal. From the original desk-counting mistake not being corrected once it was discovered, to expecting people to take such a circuitous journey multiple times a day, to being responsible for hauling your own monitors and standing desks across a catwalk (!), this is all absurd.

To your question about what will happen if someone physically can’t get to your office because of their physical condition, I imagine they’ll handle it like they’re handling temporary medical conditions now: people will be given an accommodation in the form of working from home or from Office A. So they’re complying with the law. But it is indeed bananapants.

The post I cried at work and my coworkers won’t stop asking if I’m OK, office renovation disaster, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

Get out of the bushes, Josh.

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) was rushed by a man during a town hall and sprayed with what was revealed to be apple cider vinegar from a syringe, the attack coming amid a broad surge in violence against lawmakers. What do you think?

The post Ilhan Omar Sprayed With Liquid At Town Hall appeared first on The Onion.

WINNIPEG, MB—Language experts are struggling to explain a sharp decline in Winnipeggers describing themselves with the whimsical short form, ‘Peggers. A recent study finds that the once-common term has seen a steep decline since the late-2000’s, in what researchers describe as “an unexpected kink in the data.” The study asked Winnipeg residents, “Would you describe […]

The post Linguists stumped by decline in Winnipeg residents calling themselves ‘Peggers appeared first on The Beaverton.

If you’re not acquainted, Claire’s father is the fire chief of Tackleford. We’ve never seen any of the other members of her family. That is not to say that we never will.

The post Bye bye appeared first on Bad Machinery.

HCC-Photos posted a photo:

HCC-Photos posted a photo:

Updated at 9:18 p.m.

Senate Democrats and the White House came to an agreement late Thursday to fund the vast majority of federal agencies through the end of the fiscal year, and a two-week stopgap measure to fund the Homeland Security Department while continued negotiations take place over reforms at DHS.

Senate leaders worked into the evening to schedule a vote. It is unclear when the House, which is in recess until Monday, will vote on the measure.

“Hopefully, both Republicans and Democrats will give a very much needed Bipartisan “YES” Vote,” President Trump wrote on Truth Social.

The deal came hours after eight Republicans joined all Democrats in defeating a previous measure, which the House had approved with broad bipartisan support. It was set to coast to President Trump’s desk until Border Patrol agents fatally shot Alex Pretti on Jan. 24, leading to demands from Senate Democrats that more restrictions be placed on the Homeland Security Department’s immigration enforcement efforts as part of the agency’s funding bill. 

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., subsequently laid out his caucus’ demands for DHS reforms, including the removal of masks by DHS law enforcement personnel, mandated use of body cameras, a requirement for third-party warrants to enter homes, the end of roving patrols in metropolitan areas by Immigration and Customs Enforcement and more uniform restrictions on use of force by federal agents. Democrats engaged the White House on those requests and ultimately negotiated a bipartisan path forward.

Lawmakers in both parties had expressed an openness to carving out DHS appropriations and passing the other five spending bills still outstanding. The package funds the departments of Defense, Labor, Health and Human Services, Education, Transportation, Housing and Urban Development, State and Treasury, as well as other related agencies. Under the plan, Congress would approve a stopgap continuing resolution for DHS to allow for negotiations to continue for two weeks. 

The failed bill would have almost certainly led to at least a short shutdown, however, as funding those agencies was set to expire first thing Saturday. 

With a deal getting signed into law imminent, the Office of Management and Budget could instruct agencies to delay shutdown procedures. OMB pursued such an approach in 2018 when funding briefly expired for agencies but it declared the impasse was merely a “short, technical lapse.” It advised employees to show up to work due to the imminence of a resolution, though the situation created widespread confusion across federal agencies. 

]]>

A Texas fight with a nurse practitioner may eventually push the Supreme Court to settle an intensifying battle between states with strict abortion-ban laws and those with shield laws to protect abortion providers supporting out-of-state patients.

In a lawsuit filed Tuesday, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton accused Debra Lynch, a Delaware-based nurse practitioner, of breaking Texas laws by shipping abortion pills that Lynch once estimated last January facilitated "up to 162 abortions per week" in the state.

"No one, regardless of where they live, will be freely allowed to aid in the murder of unborn children in Texas," Paxton's press release said.

Read full article

Comments

A reader writes:

I’m a (decently) new manager, and I’m struggling with one of my employees.

They come from a freelance background but wanted stability so they applied for this job, which is a salaried role.

Let’s say the hours are 9-5. We can be flexible with start times as long as it’s reasonable and we’re communicated with, but employees must work their full hours.

For some reason, this employee seems to think that when their immediate work is done, it is done and they can go home. That’s not the case, and especially not so because in this line of work, work is really never done. They have many colleagues who could use a hand, and there are other things they could proactively be working on.

They also seem to think it’s okay to just up and leave mid-workday without saying anything, as well as lying on timesheets. Somehow, they think it’s the done thing across the team (it is not).

I brought this up with them, but they were very defensive and basically said, “Well, my output is good, so I don’t know why you have a problem.”

I reiterated the importance of communication and fairness, but I really wasn’t convinced they understood and I will be having a follow-up meeting with them.

I think a big problem is that they are still very much in a freelance mindset when this job is very much far from that.

What do you think I should do?

It sounds like you’re falling into a common new manager trap where you feel like you have to convince this employee to see things your way, but you actually don’t. You just need to be very clear about what the requirements of the job are.

It’s preferable if they end up understanding your perspective and you can reach a shared understanding, but ultimately it doesn’t matter if they agree with you that these policies are reasonable because they still need to follow them.

So, for example, your next conversation with them about this should sound similar to this:

You: This job requires you to work a full eight hours per day. Even when your most pressing tasks for the day are done, you’re expected to stay and continue working on other projects. If you’re finished with your most urgent items, you should work on things like X, Y, or Z, or check with me for additional things you can help with. 

Employee: My output is good so I don’t see why this is a problem.

You: This is the expectation for everyone on our team and company-wide. It’s a requirement of the job that isn’t going to change, and I do need you to adhere to it.

Employee: I just don’t see why this matters.

You: The role requires working full-time hours. If that’s not something you want to do, this job won’t be a good match. Do you want to think about it and let me know if the job still makes sense for you, knowing this is a requirement that isn’t going to change?

That framing — think about whether it makes sense for you to stay — can make this less adversarial and push the situation toward whatever the resolution is going to end up being. You’re saying, essentially, “Here’s what the job requires, it’s absolutely fine if you decide that’s not for you, but let’s figure out if our needs are compatible or not because they may not be.”

And then, after that conversation, the person person continues not to work full days, you reiterate that it’s a job requirement, explain that you won’t be able to keep them on if they don’t follow it, and tell them this is their final warning. (Before this point, you should be coordinating with your own boss or HR so that they’re looped in and you’re following whatever policies your company has about firing people.)

But also, they’re lying on timesheets? That’s a fireable offense on its own, and you need to make it very clear that there’s zero tolerance for that. As in, “It’s a non-negotiable requirement of your job that your timesheets truthfully reflect the actual hours you worked each day; you cannot misrepresent them. If this happens again, I would need to let you go. Are we in agreement that you will accurately report your hours going forward?”

There are many, many times — most times, really — where as a manager where it makes sense to be collaborative with people, rather than taking a top-down “this is the way it will be” approach … but this is not one of those times. This is a black and white situation that calls for you clearly stating the requirements of the job and the consequences for not meeting them, and then sticking to that.

The post my employee isn’t working full-time hours, leaves mid-day, and is lying on their timesheets appeared first on Ask a Manager.

The post Trump’s First Year In Office appeared first on The Onion.

After a decade on dating apps, I’ve decided to enter a different market. This is why I’m listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match—which, to my understanding, will be about forty-eight hours.

I realize that my late-’80s construction might not land me in the “trending” section right away, but I asked my friend Shelly—who hosts occasional RE/MAX open houses now that she’s accepted that her remaining doTerra stock will never sell—to vouch for me as “having a lot of character.” And let’s be real, even if I did have the personality of a McMansion, in this economy, lots of people would still put on brave smiles and call me “aspirational.”

Shelly was concerned for me at first: “Aren’t you worried about getting messages with intrusive questions?” But she met her husband at a Mumford & Sons concert in 2012, so she wasn’t around when we were fighting for our lives on the browser version of OkCupid. I had to explain to her that I’d already gotten every “Are those original?” and carpet-versus-drapes question via DM back when I was still on Match.com. Whatever people want to know, I can handle it.

More than anything, I’m looking forward to finally getting recognition for having good bones. I’ve maintained a steady intake of Vitamin D since the “Got Milk” days, and in my thirties, I’ve even learned how to use weight machines correctly. But do any of the gym-selfie finance bros think to swipe right to ask about that? Of course not. They’re all looking for a twenty-four-year-old with a super-low square footage and the same smooth beige walls. I’ve got texture, baby.

This new-platform move has brought with it relational questions I wasn’t asking myself in my twenties, like “Am I open to couples?” And my answer is yes, if I feel like they’ve got what it takes to take good care of me. Hell, I could even see myself being occupied by groups. I’ll be upfront about what I’m not zoned for, but otherwise? Tell me what you want to do inside of me, I’m listening.

Most of me is just thrilled at the thought of being fought over. For once in my life, I can let people come to me with pitches about why they think they’d be perfect for me, rather than messaging with matches who didn’t even bother to read my profile. I’m too old for “How was your weekend?” over and over again. I want a “How soon can I come check it out?” type of proactivity.

My only problems now will be keeping my showing schedule straight and deciding who gets to see my secret rooms.

Sure, I’ll do some basic manicuring to increase my curb appeal—maybe spray a nice scent—but that’s about it. I’m open to a bit of remodeling, but that needs to be on someone else’s budget. I’m putting myself up as-is to see whose interest it piques, and frankly, I’m not worried. Do you see how many of these listings get snatched up in a day with only one or two subpar photos?

All I know is, I’m never again going to accept an offer below asking.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Okay, SOME of the comics are autobiographical.

Today's News:

Recalling being seen as struggling to keep his eyes open during that gathering, President Donald Trump insisted, "I didn't sleep. I just closed them because I wanted to get the hell out of there."

WASHINGTON—Pulling her aside at a Treasury Department event Wednesday, President Donald Trump reportedly asked hip-hop artist Nicki Minaj to explain eating ass. “Explain it to me, in the simplest terms,” said the bewildered 79-year-old president of the United States, who clasped Minaj’s hand and looked her in the eye as he urged her to enlighten him on the mystifying sexual act. “I know it’s what they’re doing right now. It’s the very hot thing. But what constitutes the ass? Does it feel good to the person who’s doing it, or the person who’s having it done? What do I do with my penis?” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was calling over Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and shouting, “Bobby, they’re eating the shit!”

The post Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating Ass appeared first on The Onion.

The post Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Spotted Wearing Glove Over Head appeared first on The Onion.