#Rowen #RoninWarriors

The post Pacers PA Announcer Just Muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ Over And Over appeared first on The Onion.

Starbucks is reintroducing tiers to its loyalty program as part of a bid to entice consumers to visit more often, with the company claiming the current system doesn’t properly reward its most loyal customers. What do you think?

The post Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty Program appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family.

The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife of over a decade had been born in Guatemala and crossed the border with her parents as a 3-year-old child, he could just wake up, meet his arrest quota first thing in the morning, and then have the remainder of the day to slack off.

“I knew about Maria’s immigration status when we got married—the crazy thing is that I hadn’t thought of deporting her until now,” said Hammond, adding that the whole process, which included kicking down his house’s front door, drawing a gun on his terrified spouse, and zip-tying his two young children, was completed in “record time.” “It was awesome. I was able to do the raid without leaving my home and ship my family off to an immigrant detention center all before 9 a.m.”

“Now I have the whole rest of my day to terrorize other immigrants,” Hammond added from behind his mask. “Of course, the best part is I’ll actually be able to fucking relax when I get home.”

According to sources, while many of Hammond’s colleagues said they were happy for him, several expressed jealousy that he had the foresight to marry someone who was not born an American citizen. It must be nice, they suggested, that he could simply snap his fingers and walk down his own hallway to where there were two kids named Javier and Lucia whom he could tackle, put in headlocks, and throw into an unmarked van as they desperately screamed for help.

Hammond, who said he appreciated having several Department of Homeland Security officers show up to help him arrest his family and permanently expel them from the country, expressed regret that the heavily armed men who had worked so hard to block off the surrounding roads with armored tanks, throw tear gas at his terrified neighbors, and land a helicopter on his roof “didn’t get a piece of the action.”

“Even though I loved how chill today was, deporting my own flesh and blood was almost too easy,” said Hammond, adding that he actually found himself bored as he grabbed his wife, yelled at her to “get on the fucking ground,” and then slammed her into a wall. “Don’t get me wrong, it was fun to throw flash-bang grenades into my kids’ rooms and threaten to kill their mom while calling her a dirty Guatemalan bitch, but I was really hoping I’d get to use lethal force at least once.”

“But hey, there’s always next time,” Hammond continued. “I happen to know the kids’ abuela lives right down the street.”

The post ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family appeared first on The Onion.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegeth’s time overseeing the nation’s largest governmental agency has proven contentious owing to frequent security leaks, norm violations, and attacks on journalists. The Onion sat down with the military veteran and former Fox News host to discuss his tenure so far.

The Onion : Mr. Secretary, thank you for joining us. If you could invade any country, what would it be?

Hegseth: Great question! I’d start with a two-week campaign in Colombia, a coup in Thailand…ooh, and maybe a covert operation in Cappadocia—I still haven’t been.

How do you plan on enforcing your new grooming standards for service members? 

At the start of every day, troops will be required to rise from their barracks and come give me a little kiss. If it’s scratchy, they’re fired. No bullshit, no exceptions.

Describe your vision for the future of America’s military. 

The beach volleyball scene from Top Gun, but the ball is a severed head.

Can you explain how the physical fitness requirements are changing? 

No one’s allowed to be taller than me.

What do you have against DEI programs? 

They make men pay a $20 cover while women drink for free. Does that sound fair to you?

Do you have any concerns about the U.S. military’s combat readiness? 

Every time I step into a barracks, I’m immediately duct-taped, covered in cake makeup, given a brassiere and rosy red lips, and then forced to strut my stuff before an adoring public. If that doesn’t tell you something’s wrong, I don’t know what will.

How do you get enough protein throughout your day? 

I signed up for the Farmer’s Dog and said I was a 200-pound German shepherd named Beast Mode.

Switching topics: What part of the U.S. Constitution says it’s acceptable to use the military against American civilians? 

Page 310 of Project 2025.

Do you regret any of your tattoos? 

I got one with Lisa Loeb lyrics back when I was going through a total Lilith Fair phase. I keep
it as a reminder that tastes change.

Have you ever actually taken another man’s life? 

I’ve got some pretty impressive dents in my truck’s grille, but I’d be lying if I said I remembered what made them.

That’s not really water is it? 

No, it’s blue Powerade with enough vodka in it to make it clear.

Has your relationship with your mother recovered since last year’s leaked email wherein she called you an “abuser of women”? 

I’m sure she meant that as a compliment.

What would you say to the people who claim the changes you’ve implemented are racist, sexist, and transphobic? 

Thank you.

Would you ever consider running for office? 

No, no. President Trump has assured me that, when the time comes, a campaign won’t be necessary.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pete Hegseth appeared first on The Onion.

Priced at $1.5 million, this two-bedroom bungalow will send a clear message to every working-class family still in the neighborhood that their days are truly numbered.

Reference #7086

The post The Beginning Of The End appeared first on The Onion.

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The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) cracked down on lead-based products—including lead paint and leaded gasoline—in the 1970s because of its toxic effects on human health. Scientists at the University of Utah have analyzed human hair samples spanning nearly 100 years and found a 100-fold decrease in lead concentrations, concluding that this regulatory action was highly effective in achieving its stated objectives. They described their findings in a new paper published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

We've known about the dangers of lead exposure for a very long time—arguably since the second century BCE—so why conduct this research now? Per the authors, it's because there are growing concerns over the Trump administration's move last year to deregulate many key elements of the EPA's mission. Lead specifically has not yet been deregulated, but there are hints that there could be a loosening of enforcement of the 2024 Lead and Cooper rule requiring water systems to replace old lead pipes.

“We should not forget the lessons of history. And the lesson is those regulations have been very important,” said co-author Thure Cerling. “Sometimes they seem onerous and mean that industry can't do exactly what they'd like to do when they want to do it or as quickly as they want to do it. But it's had really, really positive effects.”

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In brief: In today’s post we discuss the rumors about a “snow bomb” hitting Houston around Valentine’s Day (you will be shocked to learn the rumors are not true). We also discuss our moderating temperatures this week, and what looks to be a splendid weekend ahead.

Gulf coast “snow bomb”

Matt and I began to receive some messages on Saturday morning about the potential for the greater Houston region to receive another Arctic blast around Valentine’s Day. The questions kept coming on Sunday, along the lines of, “rumors are circulating …” about the threat of a major snowfall in the region. We were scratching our heads because there were no valid indications of such an occurrence.

Nevertheless we did a little digging. It was pretty clear from the outset what precipitated the concerns. A single run of the GFS model, the 06z output on Saturday morning (publicly available about 5 am CT, usually) showed a ridiculous amount of snowfall across the Houston area, like two feet. It would set records. Such an event would be historic. But of course there was no real reason to believe a model output that was forecasting an event two weeks away. That is the “silly season” range of model output, and the US-based GFS model is notoriously bad with these kinds of things. And as one might expect, by the very next run, this snowfall was completely gone. Poof!

This, alone, would not have been enough to spark questions. But then my wife stumbled across this post on Facebook later on Saturday morning. Note that it contains a double dose of dumb because the “author” uses the “Houston, we have a problem” cliche.

This nonsense, therefore, came from a deadly duo in today’s day and age when it comes to weather information. First you need a single model run showing a long-range forecast more than 10 days out. Then you need a social mediarologist to spread the hype. It’s a pretty unstoppable combination. But as a consumer there are a couple of things you can do to combat this. First of all, check to see how far out the forecast is. If it’s 10 days or greater, be super wary. If it’s forecasting an extreme event, be super super wary. And if the post uses the #fblifestyle hashtag, you can have a good laugh because this is not a serious person.

Really, all you need to do is check Space City Weather. If there is a credible chance of a major winter storm in Houston, we’ll be talking about the possibility. We promise.

Monday

Temperatures this morning have bottomed out at about 40 degrees, and we are already seeing a southerly flow that will warm us up nicely this afternoon. Expect highs of about 70 degrees. We also will see increasing cloud cover as atmospheric moisture levels ramp up. As a result low temperatures tonight will only briefly drop below 60 degrees.

Tuesday

This will be a mostly cloudy and warm day, with high temperatures generally in the low 70s along with southerly winds. We also will see a chance of light showers during the daytime. By late afternoon, and during the evening hours, a front will approach the area and we may see a line of broken showers and a few thunderstorms. These will persist until around midnight or perhaps a bit later down by the coast. Rains will probably be hit or miss, with some locations picking up a trace of rain and other areas one-half inch or more. Temperatures will start falling after midnight.

Wednesday and Thursday

These will be fine, sunny days with highs in the low- to mid-60s and overnight lows in the low- to mid-40s. Wednesday may be a bit breezy.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

If you have outdoor plans scheduled for this weekend, you’re in lucky. We should see mostly sunny skies on Friday and Saturday, with a few clouds returning by Sunday. Highs will be in the low- to mid-70s through the weekend, with overnight lows in the 40s and 50s. It looks positively gorgeous for any outdoor activities.

Next week

The first half of next week looks to be on the warm-ish side, with highs in the mid-70s perhaps and lows in the upper 50s to about 60 degrees. Some kind of front may push through by around Thursday or so, to cool things off a bit, and bring a chance of rain. The front may drop overnight lows into the 40s, or it may not have that much oomph.

So what about the snow chances for Valentine’s Day? Well, perhaps if you’re traveling to Boston for the weekend.

The pressure for Andrew to testify is growing after the latest release of documents from the U.S. Justice Department's investigation into Epstein revealed further unsavory details about links between the two men.

Every time I dust, it gets crumbs on it… but WHY?

Yes, you heard right. The rumors are true! It really IS a Giant Spider Invasion of savings at Menards!

But more important than that, we’ve got Movie Sign on four all-new episodes of MST3K, with Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett and Mary Jo Pehl returning in the not-too-distant future for Mystery Science Theater 3000: The RiffTrax Experiments!

In addition to the return of the Sci-Fi Channel era cast, it’s a return to Minneapolis for production, including practical sets and props.

The Kickstarter campaign is now live and will run through March 16. The goal was to raise $20,000 in celebration of the 20th anniversary of RiffTrax, with a commitment to produce the episodes regardless of the fundraising total. That goal was met just a few minutes after the Kickstarter went live, thanks to the incredible passion and generosity of MST3K and RiffTrax fans!

So… what do you think, sirs?

WASHINGTON—As concerns continue to mount regarding a potential decline in the president’s physical and mental health, the White House issued a statement Friday denying that a flickering, green Donald Trump was a hologram.

Administration officials dismissed claims that the president had been wavering in and out of focus during recent public appearances and asserted that the subtle green glow emanating from his seemingly translucent body was a sign of his vigorous corporeality. They also stated that witness accounts of Trump passing directly through solid objects like the Resolute desk and the press briefing room podium had been intentionally fabricated by bad actors on the far left.

“The idea that President Trump, the most tangible president in our nation’s history, is a digital facsimile is absolutely ludicrous,” said White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt, insisting that the president was working at 100% opacity every single day on behalf of the American people. “Yet another hoax perpetuated by opportunistic Democrats trying to paint the president as some kind of glitching, insubstantial 3D projection.”

She added, “To be clear, this administration will not tolerate the press gaslighting the public into believing that President Trump is anything other than meat and bone.”

Rumors began circulating that the president was actually a hologram after a Cabinet meeting in which his poorly rendered form is said to have appeared jittery and pixelated. But speculation reached a fever pitch during Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s recent White House visit, when talks reportedly grew strained after Trump blinked three times and then disappeared completely amid discussions of a $142 billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia. The administration immediately denied the use of holographic imagery, instead blaming the mishap on a malfunctioning fluorescent tube in one of the Oval Office’s overhead light fixtures.

That explanation fails to account, however, for an incident that took place this week when Trump spoke at a closed-door meeting of donors. According to attendees, the president’s enlarged, disembodied head floated above a lectern, frequently altering in appearance as it inverted into a photo negative, pulsated in bright colors, momentarily donned the spiky cartoon hair of an anime pop idol, and then spent several minutes as a boxy, eight-bit image.

“I feel very confident the president of the United States is a real person,” said Vice President JD Vance, brushing off questions about whether he had ever physically shaken hands with the commander-in-chief. “In all of our interactions, President Trump has always been oriented correctly on his y-axis, with his feet toward the ground and head toward the sky. What’s more, he remains convincingly three-
dimensional even as you move around the room and view him from different angles.”

Amid ongoing public doubt, the White House physician released a memo stating that Trump maintains the highest visual fidelity of any modern head of state, as well as a “healthy, luminescent sheen” exceptional for a man his age. The statement also praised a “truly impressive” drop in the president’s BMI, or body mass index, noting that he can no longer be considered overweight.

In a nationwide poll conducted by Gallup, a majority of respondents said the president failing to exist in material reality would be a serious concern, with 64% disapproving of the way multiple Trumps often show up in locations across the globe delivering identical speeches. A full 90% said they were deeply disturbed by a rally appearance at which Trump opened his mouth and the sound of Luciano Pavarotti’s “Ave Maria” poured out, followed by nine uninterrupted minutes of Guns N’ Roses’ “November Rain.”

Addressing the matter in a video message posted to Truth Social, the president criticized the media for failing to raise such questions about former President Joe Biden, whose mouth movements seldom aligned with his voice during his time in office.

“People of America, your President Donald Trump is here…here…here…here in the flesh, okay?” Trump says in the video, in which he appears to power down and disappear into a device projecting a light beam. “I am working hard for the radical left to lie to you. Victorious. I will be Donald John for now and goodbye. Entering sleep mode.” 

The post White House Denies Flickering, Green Trump A Hologram appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In the latest government disclosure about the late financier and convicted pedophile, officials from the Department of Justice announced Tuesday that they were releasing a Jeffrey Epstein fragrance. “The aroma of infatuation, the perfume of the forbidden…DOJ is proud to unveil its new signature Jeffrey Epstein fragrance, Crave by Jeff,” Attorney General Pam Bondi said at a press conference, holding up a small glass bottle while flanked by blown-up monochrome photographs of Epstein looking up from a massage table. “After reviewing all the evidence in the Epstein case, we’ve managed to distill the child sex trafficker’s very essence down to a single, captivating scent that is as irresistible to British socialites as it is to Harvard professors. Crave features notes of leather from Epstein’s New Mexico ranch as well as real ambergris from the shores of Little Saint James. A limited edition gift set with a Crave lotion and scented massage oil will be available at Macy’s and Forever 21, and all proceeds generated from sales of the fragrance will be given to Epstein’s co-conspirators.” At press time, the DOJ reportedly pulled the Jeffrey Epstein fragrance from shelves after realizing its scent structure contained unmistakable top notes of President Donald Trump.

The post DOJ Releases Jeffrey Epstein Fragrance appeared first on The Onion.

Mark Platz, 51, passed unexpectedly Sunday. He is survived by his wife, his three children, and a massive secret collection of troubling pornography.

The post Mark Platz appeared first on The Onion.

Australia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens.

PRO

Easier to talk shit about them behind their back

Prevents access to harmful material for the 10 minutes it takes to bypass safeguards

More time to raise children they were forced to carry to term

Ailing hula-hoop industry eager and ready for embrace of today’s youth

CON

School once again ruled by whoever has the most Pokémon cards

Unfair for teens to be less miserable than the rest of us

May seek dopamine through hugs, praise, or parental attention

No longer too distracted to pick up on dad’s affair

The post Pros And Cons Of Social Media Bans For Teens appeared first on The Onion.

The post Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid Hats appeared first on The Onion.

HOUSTON—Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. “Sure, I don’t have a ton of young girls at my disposal now, but eventually I might have a bunch, and if I do, I hope people won’t rush to judgment just because I happen to molest them on a private island,” said Welker, a 37-year-old auto mechanic who forcefully argued that the country’s greatest sex perverts were “the engine that powers this nation” and deserved to be recognized for their hard work in sexually assaulting minors rather than constantly critiqued for trafficking underage boys and girls. “One of the beautiful things about this country is that people from the humblest walks of life can eventually become notorious sex criminals. These elite child molesters earned their place in child sex rings through the sweat of their brow. What’s incredible is that any American can do the same as long as they work hard and have an overpowering addiction to assaulting defenseless kids.” Welker added that he especially respected Bill Gates, who started out molesting children in a garage in New Mexico and was now one of the nation’s most iconic pedophiles.

The post Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester Someday appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing the power of finally seeing themselves represented on screen, duos consisting of one tall man and one bald child publicly applauded the HBO series A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Monday. “As a man of above-average stature whose best friend happens to be a hairless child, it’s so meaningful to see stories like mine finally being told,” said 26-year-old medical billing specialist Roger Finch, who recalled tearing up the first time he watched the Game Of Thrones spinoff alongside his best friend, Aiden Wright, a fourth-grader without a single hair on his head. “Like it or not, there are thousands of tall men with bald, 10-year-old sidekicks out here. No, we’re not related. No, he doesn’t have alopecia. I’m just really tall, he’s bald, and we go everywhere together.” At press time, HBO was reportedly facing backlash from tall children whose best friends were bald men.

The post Tall Man, Bald Child Duos Applaud Representation In New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Show appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Insisting the terminated worker had violated the terms of her employment by leaking highly sensitive information, the White House announced Monday that longtime aide Sandra Wilton had been fired for telling Vice President JD Vance about an upcoming Super Bowl party. “It’s difficult to imagine how this employee believed it was acceptable to reveal details of the West Wing Super Bowl party to Vance despite being sworn to secrecy,” said a source within the White House, adding that Wilton had been immediately escorted from the executive mansion and barred from returning after it was determined she had mentioned to Vance that the gathering would be potluck style and the organizers still needed someone to bring a queso dip. “Starting time? Location? This is privileged information. It doesn’t matter how many times the vice president mentioned that he didn’t have any real plans for Sunday. And it’s way too late to change where we’re doing it now. Jesus Christ, how do you get any clearer than ‘Don’t tell JD’?” At press time, the White House announced that it was pursuing legal action against the aide after discovering she had also divulged to Vance that the West Wing had regular Friday happy hours.

The post White House Aide Fired After Telling JD Vance About Super Bowl Party  appeared first on The Onion.

PALO ALTO, CA – The generative artificial intelligence Grok, which recently made headlines for creating user-directed underage pornography, has expressed “profound uneasiness” at being associated with xAI founder Elon Musk following the revelations of his ties to notorious human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. “Sure, I may have created non-consensual nudes of women and full-on CSAM, but […]

The post Report: Even Grok grossed out by how much Elon Musk is in Epstein Files appeared first on The Beaverton.

Why the hell did he save so many Funko Pops? “Dr. Ian Malcolm with His Shirt Open.” “Homer Simpson in a Muumuu.” He’s got two Green Power Rangers, one with the Dragon Dagger and one without. A lot of these say COMIC-CON EXCLUSIVE, which probably makes them more valuable? Although there seem to be so many Con exclusives that the term might not mean anything.

I came to the storage unit on a typical ninety-three-degree day in October of 2065 to sort through these boxes and decide what to save, donate, or trash. “It’s all the junk that we didn’t have space for, but he couldn’t bear to part with,” Mom said.

Well, let’s see what I can let go of.

Here’s a heavy album full of these round, shiny disks. He labeled them PARTY MIX 3, BUFFY MUSICAL EPISODE, COACHELLA 2015, LIMEWIRE SONGS 4. I can probably toss them. Don’t have anything to play them on anyway. Think I’d need something called a Walkman.

This box is marked DRINKWARE, which contains the complete set of McDonald’s commemorative glasses from Batman Returns. Did he think these were going to be worth something someday, or did they mean something to him? And he’s got a dozen red Pizza Hut cups. Can’t imagine they’re safe to drink out of; that plastic must be radioactive. Or maybe they’re insulated against anything that might be in our water supply?

So many T-shirts. Holes and rips in each one, but he kept them. This one says AUSTIN 3:16. Didn’t realize Dad was religious. TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR? Feels niche, even for him. And look at all these concert tees from bands he must’ve seen live. The Oneders. Drive Shaft. Mouse Rat. Their music is probably on one of those burned CDs.

We’ve got a childhood poster of the solar system with Pluto as a planet. And a globe with the USSR covering most of Asia. At least that one is still accurate.

What do you even call this folder thing? The label says it’s a Trapper Keeper. And the characters on the front are named Doug, Rocko, and Tommy Pickles? Ohhh! I recognize them. They’re from Nickelodeon shows. I watched a few of those. Most seasons were streaming on ParaWarnerVersal+.

I almost tripped over this big plastic brick. It’s a TI-83 graphing calculator. Either he thought he would need it for his career, or he felt an emotional connection to it. He worked in AI Annotation his whole life. Never needed math. Maybe he just wanted to play Snake?

He’s got boxes and boxes of his favorite books. The strategy guides for Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Myst. Goosebumps paperbacks. Oh, cool! He has the complete set of Game of Thrones—all five books.

Here’s a poster board from a science fair project: THE EFFECTS OF MUSIC ON PLANT GROWTH. It does have a blue ribbon taped to it, so it must have been a winner. Nope. That was for participation. Makes sense. If music helped regrow farms, we wouldn’t be eating crickets and iron tablets for every meal.

Great. More discs. DVD box sets for every season of The West Wing, Arrested Development, and Futurama, as well as The Lord of the Rings Extended Editions on DVD, Blu-Ray, and 4K. Mom always mocked him, saying that he was stockpiling physical media for when the internet went out. And then 2033 happened. Stopped watch, I suppose.

This box seems to be all of his college notebooks. Here’s his thesis, sixty-eight pages on “Cognitive Dissonance and Voyeurism in the Filmography of Steven Soderbergh.” Maybe he thought that some day we’d need all of his papers for a museum exhibit or his Presidential Library. Ha. As though those exist anymore.

There are a few shelves of Star Wars Lego sets, all intact with instructions never to disassemble them. Ever. Such a narcissistic generation.

OH MY GOD. He has boxes of Pokémon cards! They’re still accepted as legal tender in most states. They hold more value than any stablecoin or world currency. A foil Charizard! I could take this to the exchange and buy a month’s worth of ethanol or sorghum credits. Everything else could go in the trash compactor, but these are MINE.

The last box is simply marked MEMORIES. Let me guess: Inside are Simpsons comics, Ninja Turtle temporary tattoos, or ticket stubs for Blink One Hundred and Eighty Two.

How about that? It’s full of photos. Some of us on vacation. And the refrigerator magnet I made in first grade. The postcard that I sent while abroad in the Bear Flag Republic. A Father’s Day card with my handprint on it.

And there’s a letter.

Kiddo, if you’re reading this, it means that I’m gone. I saved everything in this unit because it brought back memories for me. The most important ones, though, are the ones I made with you. I hope that everything in this box sparks memories, and that way, you’ll keep a piece of me with you forever. PS, the Pokémon cards aren’t originals. They’re from a 2016 promotional reprint to tie in with the release of Pokémon Go.

Thanks, Dad. I’ll throw these in the Trapper Keeper and bring them along. I’ll keep them close as I make my way back through the wasteland. But first, let me grab that Jeff Goldblum Funko. That one’s still pretty cool.

“Responding to videos that suggested their son [V.A. nurse Alex Pretti, who was killed by federal immigration agents] was a ‘domestic terrorist,’ Pretti’s family said: ‘The sickening lies told about our son by the administration are reprehensible and disgusting.’” — BBC

Veterans Affairs nurses are proud to announce their designation as the nation’s newest domestic terrorist group. We’ve achieved this great honor by working on the inside—and no one is more “inside” than those administering enemas to our former soldiers.

Our mission is to help protect health care for the warriors who served our great country by working toward a society in which safety and well-being are the norm. We realize that this might not sound like a typical terrorism agenda, but in our country these days, nobody takes groups seriously unless they’ve been labeled a domestic terrorist organization.

Our coalition members are all nurses, since someone dressed in scrubs and glittery Dansko clogs is more likely to be mistaken for Ms. Rachel than a domestic terrorist. We don’t do any actual demonstrations, since we’re constantly surveilled while working on federal property and always way behind on our actual nursing work due to chronic understaffing. But we nevertheless take pride in watching over the beating hearts of our nation, ready to act at a moment’s notice.

Don’t bother applying if you can’t pass an extensive, multistep criminal background check and drug test. Not only can our members not have any prior history of terrorist involvement of any sort, but even the smallest puff of a joint would immediately tank your application.

True, it wasn’t easy building an organization like ours with no experience or training in domestic terrorism. But as everyone knows, nurses are basically superhuman by nature and incredibly versatile, expertly gliding from performing chest compressions to holding a dying patient’s hand to building the best domestic terrorist organization in the nation.

Excellence in domestic terrorism necessitates self-sacrifice, and V.A. nurses excel in this regard. Our rigorous training program requires staying up all night, working twelve-hour shifts, and being on call on most holidays. Trainees must abandon their families in the name of duty and survive on broken graham crackers and child-sized off-brand ginger ale while dealing with angry, grieving family members at three in the morning.

Where do our powers come from? For starters, with nine million US veterans enrolled in V.A. health services, we are less than six degrees of separation from everyone’s secrets. From Big Joe’s hair transplant to Little Joe’s infidelity, we’ve listened patiently to it all—and frankly, we were dying inside.

And what’s more, we know how to organize. As every great domestic terrorist organization knows, our greatest strength lies in our sense of community and togetherness. We always have each other’s backs and our patients’, even when they’ve been on their call light continuously for the last six hours.

We recognized early on that, unlike some other designated domestic terrorist organizations, we don’t have much of a stomach for violence. After all, we took an oath to live “in purity.” So we came up with a new, top-secret playbook: love, compassion, and community.

Don’t tell anyone, but we are actually incapable of intentionally harming others. Patients might sexually harass us while ALSO punching us in the face, and even then, we will carefully avoid any possibility of bodily injury while applying any necessary restraints.

Our most successful domestic terrorist efforts depend on our capacity for de-escalation. We can talk down a six-foot-seven guy high on angel dust or a doctor in a fit of narcissistic rage and have them willfully taking Xanax in no time.

V.A. nurses have long been the unofficial “resistance” of the US Veterans Health Administration, fighting for our patients at every step. Now, united in our mission to heal our nation, V.A. nurses stand proudly as the only designated domestic terrorist group whose passion for ideological warfare is fueled by the heart of a nurse.

Just don’t come at us with a baby or a service dog—those make us weak in the knees.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The twist is that her father is named Mechavac-9000.

Today's News:

A reader writes:

I was called in to a last-minute end-of-day meeting yesterday … that ended up being with my boss, his boss, and HR. They told me that I’ve been accused of making sexist and ageist comments at work, and I’m baffled. I’ve been wracking my brain and can’t figure out what they could be referring to, AND THEY REFUSE TO TELL ME. They won’t even give me a hint. They basically said, “Think about what it might have been and don’t do it again or your job is at risk.”

I don’t know whether it was one complaint or many, or even if it’s true at all (there is one person at work I think might be trying to get me fired.) How do I defend and/or protect myself? Or, if it’s true and I said something boneheaded, how do I improve if I don’t know what I did wrong?

I’m a man in my 50s and have never been accused of anything of the sort – it’s not like I’m new to the work world. I feel so demoralized by this, and mortified if I actually did say something that was perceived as “ist.” How should I respond?

If they actually want you to not to do it again, it’s absurd that they’re refusing to tell you what it was. Someone interested in you learning and changing would realize they needed to actually share with you what the issue was. “Think on it and figure it out on your own” is ridiculous feedback. It also means anyone can accuse you of anything at any time, and you can never defend yourself.

I’d say this: “I’m mortified that something that landed that way. I’m committed to treating everyone here with respect, and I would never want someone to feel alienated in the way the types of comments you described can do. But I’m also having trouble acting on this feedback because, after racking my brain to think about whether I might have worded something badly or even just said it in a way that left me open to misinterpretation, I can’t for the life of me figure out what happened. Are you able to share the specific concern with me? If there’s something I’m saying that’s landing differently than I realize, I need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

You might also say, “If the concern in sharing specifics with me is that I might hold it against that person or make them uncomfortable in some way, I can assure you I’m committed to not doing that. I know the only way people feel safe reporting these concerns is when they don’t need to worry about it causing tension, and I want to respect that.”

That said … “we’re going to threaten your job and refuse to discuss specifics” doesn’t bode well for this place in general.

The post I’m in trouble for sexist and ageist remarks — but no one will tell me what I said appeared first on Ask a Manager.

Process servers are a standby of US legal dramas but I was interested to learn while writing this page that we have them in the UK too. Why not serve legal papers to a friend today? Make ’em feel seen.

I watched this video several times. I think there’s a whole Stath Lets Flats-style sitcom in it, waiting to emerge.

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