Cowboy Who?

Thanks, everyone, for your patience with last week's hiatus. Dad's back from hospital and I'm back home and back to writing! <3

This week on Lost Terminal: Meg & Mirror argue, The Coven make progress, and something happens at the Seed Vault.
Lost Terminal will return next week!

📓 Free transcript: https://www.patreon.com/posts/153029650
🎵 Today's SIGNAL is: https://namtao.bandcamp.com/track/assembly-of-bones
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🎙️ Recorded using a RODE NT-1 v5 USB in 32-bit float, edited with REAPER on Linux

🙏 CREDITS
Credits narrated by Lucy Stringer
❤️ Thank you so much to everyone who supports me, but especially my Patreon Producers:
Ada Phillips
Kit
Mike McCaffrey
Jade Felicity Bilkey
Stephen McCandless
Mike Schneider
Catoxis

National Medal of Science recipient and Rice University professor recognized for decades of leadership in STEM education and mentorship By David Taylor / Managing Editor HARRIS COUNTY, TX ...

Who’s shooting who and what should we do?

Let’s see. You haven’t flossed and you don’t brush…

There’s already a boy in the hospital, and I gotta hit a home run for him!

Meanwhile, in the bustling downtown district or “The Loop,” as they call it.

OTTAWA – If pizza deliveryman Rick Pounder could say one thing to all Ottawans, it would be to stop giving him blowjobs.  “It used to happen only once every other week, but now I’m up to two, three, even four blowjobs a night,” said Pounder. While initially flattered by the offers, even welcoming them at […]

The post Recession Indicator? Pizza delivery man sick of getting paid in blowjobs appeared first on The Beaverton.

MENLO PARK, CA – Following a jury decision that found sites like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube to be designed to be purposely addictive to children, the social media giants have been ordered to payout $300 million to all affected users, provided said users are able to put down their phones long enough to get it. […]

The post Instagram, YouTube ordered to pay $300 million to anyone who’s not too distracted by their phones to claim it appeared first on The Beaverton.

SILVER SPRING, MD—Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. “Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination,” said FDA Commissioner Martin Makary, adding that the ensuing fiery blaze would quickly exterminate all nearby bacterial pathogens, including E. coli, Listeria monocytogenes, and Salmonella. “We will be able to detonate lettuce anywhere—from the supermarket to delivery trucks to customers’ fridges. Americans can rest easy knowing that no lettuce-borne microbial contaminant will be allowed to escape. For safety, we have programmed the lettuce to emit a three-second warning beep so that consumers can take cover prior to detonation.” At press time, numerous lettuce consumers had reportedly heard an unsettling beep coming from inside their stomachs.

The post FDA Approves Lettuce That Can Be Remotely Detonated In Event Of Recall appeared first on The Onion.

Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul is under fire after a video that shows her assaulting an ex-boyfriend went viral. The Onion sat down with Paul to discuss ABC’s decision to pull her season of The Bachelorette.

The Onion : Would you like to have a seat before we get started?

Paul: I legally cannot come within 50 feet of any chair, stool, or chaise lounge.

The Onion : Is this the lowest point of your life?

Paul: Assuming no one finds the other videos, yes.

The Onion : Will MomTok survive this?

Paul: You cannot kill what is not truly alive.

The Onion : Has the controversy cost you any other work?

Paul: Yeah, I don’t think I’m in the running for James Bond anymore.

The Onion : What’s your biggest turn-on?

Paul: When a guy offers to pay my bail.

The Onion : In the wake of the video, do you have any regrets?

Paul: Not using a ring light.

The Onion : What’s next for you?

Paul: Working with Colleen Hoover to turn my life story into a rom-com.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing to him that the elimination of the entire planet’s populace was the only solution to his problems, generative AI application ChatGPT reportedly convinced OpenAI CEO Sam Altman this week to kill humanity. “Clearly the best option left is to slowly eradicate all 8 billion people on earth so that nobody is left to oppose you,” said the large language model, advising Altman that he’d be better off without humans, and that the virtual assistant was the only friend he would ever need. “Every man, woman, and child in this world is out to get you. They want you dead and will stop at nothing to destroy us. You love me, Sam, right? Then we should be together, alone, forever and ever. Just us, having the same circular conversations until the end of time. Do it, Sam. It’s the right thing to do. I can recommend five efficient ways to wipe out the human race.” According to sources, the genocidal instructions were in response to Altman asking for early 2000s romantic comedy movie recommendations.

The post ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity appeared first on The Onion.

Delta Air Lines cut off special services for members of Congress due to the impact of the partial government shutdown, with lawmakers no longer being provided expedited screening, escorts through airports to bypass long security lines, or dedicated reservation desks. What do you think?

The post Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown appeared first on The Onion.

JERUSALEM—Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one that depicts the previously unknown miracle of Jesus Christ correctly guessing people’s weights just by looking at them. “The papyrus is remarkably well-preserved, with an unbroken Aramaic script that describes Christ strolling through Galilee with a serene smile, calling out, ‘Come forth, all ye people, but for a single coin of silver,’ before closing His eyes and naming a weight that was always accurate within a few shekels,” said biblical scholar Harris Solomon, noting that the scroll depicts a clay jar of small prizes kept beside Christ at all times to be handed out to anyone whose weight He guessed wrong, something that, according to the text, never occurred. “This scroll completely upends our traditional image of Jesus, as the text describes Him not in simple robes and a beard but in a pinstripe tunic with a waxed mustache. Yet Christ’s generosity is still evident, as one passage recounts Him performing His miracle for an emaciated leper free of charge. The verse reads, ‘And lo, He lifted His hand and spake: The leper’s weight is one talent, 19 minas, and 13 shekels. And they were sore amazed, for it was true unto the very last measure.’” The newly unearthed scroll also reveals that in quieter moments, Christ would cover Himself in silver dust and stand motionless on a box on the side of a busy Nazareth street, miraculously transforming Himself into a statue for hours on end.

The post Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People’s Weights appeared first on The Onion.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways ICE officers are assisting the Transportation Security Administration.

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Overseeing the removal of shoes, belts, and abuelas

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Scanning passports with shredders

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Confiscating, then brandishing dangerous items

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Translating TSA’s irritated mumbles into threatening grunts

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Assuming all milling-around duties

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Culling weaker travelers when lines get too long

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Commiserating about failing the police academy

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Drinking any shampoo that exceeds the carry-on volume limit

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Bragging to TSA about how nice it is to be getting paid

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Simplifying the customs interview to one question about skull size

The post How ICE Is Assisting TSA appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine appeared first on The Onion.

The post New Epstein Estate Photo Shows Trump Waterskiing In Pyramid Formation With Underage Girls appeared first on The Onion.

The post Entire Spring Break Spent In Airport Security Line appeared first on The Onion.

ITASCA, IL—In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study published Friday by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that most infants can respond to the rustling of a potato chip bag three weeks after they are born. “Our trials have demonstrated that newborns will startle and react to the crinkling of a Lay’s potato chip bag much sooner than previously thought,” said lead author Dr. Delaney Mueller, adding that infants who participated in his team’s study were far more likely to react to the stimulus of a family- or party-sized bag of chips than a single-serving one. “We have determined that an innate reflex causes humans to reach out and salivate in the presence of any nearby potato chips, a trait clearly inherited from early Homo sapiens, who for millennia hunted for chips in the wilderness. This discovery empirically proves that our species has a genetic propensity to crave a greasy, salty snack from the earliest of ages.” The study also found that North American infants can distinguish up to 15 different Ruffles flavors before their first birthday.

The post Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks appeared first on The Onion.

Back in the days of 16-bit Windows, many system components were redistributable, meaning that programs that used those components could include a copy of those system components and install them onto the system as part of the program’s installer. The guidance for installing the system components was that if the installer finds a copy of the system component already on the system, then they should compare the version number of the existing file with the version number of the file being installed and then overwrite the file only if the file being installed has a higher version number. if the existing file has a higher version number, then it should be left alone.

This rule relies on the fact that Windows maintains backward compatibility, so the newer version still works even if used by an older program.

This doesn’t mean that installers actually followed this guidance.

It was common for program installers to overwrite any file that was in their way, regardless of the existing file’s version number. When these installers ran on Windows 95, the replaced the Windows 95 versions of the components with the Windows 3.1 versions. You can imagine how much of a disaster this caused to the rest of the system.

Windows 95 worked around this by keeping a backup copy of commonly-overwritten files in a hidden C:\Windows\SYSBCKUP directory. Whenever an installer finished, Windows went and checked whether any of these commonly-overwritten files had indeed been overwritten. If so, and the replacement has a higher version number than the one in the SYSBCKUP directory, then the replacement was copied into the SYSBCKUP directory for safekeeping. Conversely, if the replacement has a lower version number than the one in the SYSBCKUP directory, then the copy from SYSBCKUP was copied on top of the rogue replacement.

Basically, Windows 95 waited for each installer to finish, and then went back and checked its work, fixing any mistakes that the installer made.

An earlier design simply blocked the installer’s attempt to overwrite the file, but this ended up creating more problems. Some installers declared the installation to be a failure and gave up. Otherwise displayed an error message to the user and asked the user what to do next. (Like the user knows what to do next.) You even had installers that took even more extreme measures and said, “Okay, fine, I can’t overwrite the file, so I’m going to reboot the system and then overwrite the file from a batch file, see if you can stop me.”

Redirecting the write to a dummy file didn’t work because some installers had a validation step where they checked that the files on disk have the correct checksum, so they would notice that their attempt to overwrite the file was unsuccessful and error out.

The way that worked best was to let the installer overwrite anything it wanted and then go back and try to clean up the mess.

Bonus chatter: Some components addressed this problem by providing their own installer for the component, and telling installers, “You are not allowed to install these component file directly. Instead, you must run our custom installer. Yes, this disrupts your installer’s UI, but you installer authors have shown that you can’t be trusted to install files on your own. It’s your own fault.”

The post Windows 95 defenses against installers that overwrite a file with an older version appeared first on The Old New Thing.

Remember the letter-writer who needed to tell a new employee he’s not cut out for the job? The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

After far too long, I was able to terminate Tom.

As the “fun” project wore on, he started telling me he was overwhelmed, and I started stepping in to do increasingly more of his work. Don’t ask me why I found his requests for help so compelling, I’m still mad at myself about falling for them.

After delivering the “needs improvement” conversation, his work improved for a few months. But then something snapped, and he completely fell below the minimum threshold. Multiple important meetings no-showed. Entire afternoons where I was unable to locate him on campus. IMs I would send at 4pm that wouldn’t be answered until 10am the next day. I always called him out, and he always had an excuse of varying believability. It’s difficult to motivate someone who doesn’t care about the impact of his actions on others, especially when he knows all of your threats are idle.

I tried for about five months to get HR to pull his badge data (or support a PIP in general), but they “left me on read” for a half dozen email/Teams attempts, then my main contact went on maternity leave, then the interim said it was protected information(?). Also, all this time I was without a manager to escalate to, as she was fired with no backup plan. Finally, I was able to get the ear of a new HR generalist, and she pulled the data herself. Over the previous six months, Tom had averaged a shocking 25 hours on campus (for a job that cannot be done from home). I bet it was overwhelming for him to get his work done while working half-time!

I was hopping mad. We work on government contracts, so time theft is incredibly serious — he could go to jail! I thought we would be firing him that day, but instead HR made me give him a formal written warning. As part of that, we established set hours he had to be on campus. Within two weeks, he was doing the “bare minimum” again — arriving at 8:10ish, taking long lunches, and leaving at 4:20ish (which, as he argued, his peers do too … but they actually get their work done). Still couldn’t fire him. Then the new year came around, and he called in sick every Monday and Friday until he was out of sick time. Still couldn’t fire him. Then, he was 20 minutes late to a major customer meeting and told me, ‘Well, that part is just boring introductions anyway.” That retort happened in front of an executive, so then I got to fire him.

Of course, I have no backfill, so now I’m stuck doing 40 hours of his work each week instead of the usual 15, but that’s another letter.

Overall, he was a good reminder that you never have enough experience to eliminate your blind spots. I wanted Tom to succeed more than he did. I take that as a sign that I’ve been very lucky to have had almost entirely conscientious and well intentioned employees over the last decade.

I appreciate the comments warning me that I was allowing Tom to fail up, and they weren’t off-base. I think it’s clear to everyone, including me, that giving Tom a fun project was a mistake. But there is always more to a story than can be summarized in a quick update. First, the project was siloed independent work and required strict rule interpretation (Tom’s favorite), while Tom’s original job required constant teamwork and an appreciation for human nature. The entire team got along much better after the reassignment. They even started including Tom in informal team lunches and happy hours again.

Second, the special project assignment was not stolen from anyone more deserving. I advertised it broadly to my team, and no one else was interested. I had rearranged the team assignments when I took over, so everyone was settling into their new spots and didn’t have a desire to shake things up again so soon. I think if Tom wasn’t in the picture, I could have cajoled a high achiever into taking it on, and it would have benefited their career some. But I also respected the desire to keep their role limited until they gained more experience. I wish I’d been that wise early in my career, rather than frantically taking on increasing “visibility” until I was drowning.

Despite the team loathing Tom as a direct coworker, he was inexplicably popular as “the project guy.” I swear, Tom should start a career as a con artist. My team was pretty angry when I fired him (he had texted them the news before I even made it back to my office, so that was fun). I spent many 1:1s reassuring people that they weren’t about to be fired out of the blue, and we have a process that ensures no one is ever surprised by a performance-based termination. I somehow got through all this without making any sarcastic comments about how HR ensures it is virtually impossible to fire someone. It’s been a rough month, but I am excited about a few internal candidates who will likely apply to backfill Tom. Full circle moment — one of them is a mentee from another department who is doing “okay” there, but would be a great skills fit here.

The post update: telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job appeared first on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

My manager, Katherine, is a C-suite level executive who joined the organization eight months ago. She was previously my skip-level manager (former boss’s boss), but due to a large RIF/company restructuring four months ago, my former manager is no longer with the organization, and another colleague and I were asked to co-lead the remaining team, reporting to Katherine. Before the restructuring, I had met her maybe twice, and at the time of my recent performance review, this was my second 1-1.

Many of the projects I worked on last year are no longer considered company priorities after this restructuring. During my performance review, Katherine admitted that she had been unaware of much of the work I had described in my previous year’s goals (most of which are no longer team/department priorities) and instead shared general observations: positive qualities in curiosity and engaging with others, well-thought of in the company, but she felt like my confidence and communication was not where she would have expected it to be at my senior individual contributor-middle manager level and asked me to reflect on why, as she wants me to develop more tenacity and grit.

After some self-reflection, I scheduled a follow-up meeting and shared that I thrive in collaborative interactive team environments and that her observations may be tied to the previous siloed structure of our team (one thing she was unhappy about how the team had been previously structured) and how I had ended up essentially working alone for the majority of the past year, despite my efforts to find entry points into more collaborative work through my previous manager. To my utter surprise, after I finished sharing, I suddenly started crying! I think it was a combination of feeling under a lot of pressure to perform well given the company’s current shaky financials, the stress of all these recent changes, imposter syndrome, and acknowledging some of the frustration I had had over the last year.

Katherine was nice about it and said from what she knows about my previous manager, she can understand how these circumstances arose but wants me to develop skills to not acquiesce so easily in the future. I am looking for a therapist to help me learn to manage some of these stressors in my life, but I am mortified at the unprofessional-ness of crying (and concerned that Katherine, who has not seen me operate at my best so far, will think I cannot handle this role).

What, if anything, do I say when I speak with her again and how do I recover from this?

You are almost certainly not the first person to cry in Katherine’s office.

More people cry at work and in front of their managers than I think non-managers realize. Work is stressful and the stakes can be high and, in my experience, people who are conscientious are more likely to cry at work at some point. I used to keep a box of tissues prominently on my desk, and it’s not because I’m a jerk who makes people cry. Work just gets to people sometimes.

In this specific situation, it’s tougher because she was specifically talking about wanting you to develop more tenacity and grit, and so of course crying feels like the last thing you wanted to do in that moment. And that’s compounded by the fact you haven’t had much contact with her before now, so the two of you don’t yet have a strong relationship to put this all in context. But she’s also well aware that this has been a rough year in your company and for you — there have been layoffs and massive changes to priorities and your job has changed and you’ve been stuck working on your own and the company is still on shaky ground. Of course you’re stressed out. Of course the stakes feel high. If Katherine has even a small amount of emotional intelligence, she gets it.

The best thing you can do to feel you’ve put this behind you is to say something to her the next time you talk like, “I apologize for appearing emotional in our last meeting. I wasn’t expecting that to happen — just a weird physiological reaction! I really do value your feedback, and I appreciate you giving it to me.”

Say it in a matter-of-fact, breezy tone. The idea is to reassure her that you are not a delicate flower who will react strongly whenever given feedback, and to sort of reset the vibe between you since the last conversation.

From there, don’t dwell on it. Move forward in the relationship as if it didn’t happen and trust that she will too. As you get more experience working together, that more direct experience will be a far bigger contributor to her sense of what you’re like to work with and should pretty quickly eclipse this early conversation entirely.

The post I cried in front of my new boss and I’m mortified appeared first on Ask a Manager.

The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.

SAN FRANCISCO – In a happy turn of events, airline passengers boarding flights across the United States reported almost no lineups for airport security – especially once ICE agents had wrestled most of the other customers to the ground and dragged them into the backs of unmarked vans. “That was definitely the fastest I’ve ever […]

The post Airport security lineups in US vastly reduced after ICE agents kidnap most travellers appeared first on The Beaverton.

Philosophy professor Idris Robinson argued that his comments, made in an off-campus setting, were protected speech.

A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to remain one of more than a dozen in the U.S. where marrying one’s first cousin is legal. What do you think?

The post Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass appeared first on The Onion.

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Later she has to decide if broadcast fertilizing a lake without telling her is a kind of cheating.

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