#Mia #Ully #RoninWarriors

He's starting to weaken!
No I'm not!
Yes he is! His arm is like rubber!
Oh yeah? Look who's talking! #CowboyWho

So ... why don't you guys down there saddle up the possie and get on out there and find Cowboy Pat? #CowboyWho

Art museums and institutions throughout the Greater Houston area are opening exhibitions in the summer months of 2026, including Art League Houston, the Blaffer Art Museum, the Contemporary Arts Museum Houston, the Galveston Art Center, and more.

Czech Center Museum Houston

The Czech Center Museum Houston opened Celebration Of Spirit: A Photographic Testimonial of Life, a solo exhibition by Clarice Marik Snokhous. Ms. Snokhous, perhaps best known for her arts patronage, has traveled widely and will present a portfolio of her travel photography. The exhibition will be on view through June.

Art League Houston

Art League Houston will open two exhibitions in May. Marisol Valencia, a Houston ceramicist and multimedia sculptor, will present No Longer, Not Yet, an emotionally charged installation of sculptural work based on her time as a volunteer at a migrant shelter serving women and children. Her primary materials are ixtle fiber sourced from rural communities in her native Mexico, bed linens from the migrant shelter, construction materials, and porcelain. Rather than directly addressing the political dimensions of immigration, Ms. Valencia explores the human experience of people living with uncertainty. 

Honolulu artist Juvana Soliven will present Subject to Surviving, her first solo exhibition in Texas. In intricate beadwork and mixed media sculptures, Ms. Soliven confronts the subjugation of women by systems of control in Western societies. Her work analogizes medical instruments as weaponry used against women’s bodies throughout history, as a means of depriving bodily autonomy and empowered self-identity.

Both exhibitions will open with a reception on Friday, May 15, from 6 to 8 p.m., and run through Sunday, July 19. Ms. Valencia and Ms. Soliven will give an artist talk on Saturday, May 16, at 2 p.m.

Houston Center for Photography

The Houston Center for Photography will present Simon Silva: Madre Patria, a solo exhibition exploring the artist’s first visit to the Aquiles Serdán pueblo in Oaxaca, Mexico. As Mr. Silva documented his family’s time volunteering at a local festival, he saw his life growing up on Houston’s southwest side as inclusive of his Mexican heritage and Latinx life in general. Madre Patria will open on Thursday, May 21 and remain on view through Sunday, June 14.

Contemporary Arts Museum Houston

The Contemporary Arts Museum Houston (CAMH) will open Mary Ellen Carroll: How To Talk Dirty and Influence People on Friday, May 22, the first survey exhibition of this New York-based multidisciplinary artist. The show title is a reference to comedian Lenny Bruce, highlighting both artist’s and comedian’s wry humor in addressing urgent societal issues. The CAMH exhibition will span four decades of Mx. Carroll’s work in various media, presenting projects in conversation with each other in accordance with the artist’s conceptual approach. Among several ongoing projects, How To Talk Dirty and Influence People will include My Death is Pending… Because (1986-2017), a decades-long multiform project that culminated in the artist’s participation in a demolition derby as a driver. 

Moody Center for the Arts

The Moody Center for the Arts at Rice University will present the first Texas exhibition of Masako Miki, a California-based artist who works in multiple media including textiles, watercolor, and public installation art. For Masako Miki: Shapeshifters, Sprites, and Spirits, the artist will create a site-specific sculptural installation populated with characters from Japanese folklore and her personal mythology. 

The events reservation page for the Friday, May 29, 6 to 8 p.m. opening reception invites attendees to “Meet the cast of yōkai characters transforming the central gallery and delve deeper into Japanese folklore with a screening of the animated series GeGeGe no Kitarō.”

Houston Center for Contemporary Craft

Opening Saturday, May 30, at the Houston Center for Contemporary Craft (HCCC), Houston artist Jeff Forster will present Sanctuary for Salvage, a site-specific installation of monumental, totemic columns created using materials recycled from ceramics processes. According to the HCCC website, Forster “engages with themes of geological time and harnesses the unpredictable energy released during the [ceramic] firing process,” to evoke ruins and the cultural memory of sacred rituals that once took place within them. The exhibition, curated by Zaynab Hilal, HCCC Curatorial Fellow, will remain on view through Saturday, September 5.

Blaffer Art Museum

The Blaffer Art Museum will present its first iteration of the Artists in Research initiative launched by Laura Augusta, Director and Chief Curator, welcoming Erika Blumenfeld as artist-in-residence from Tuesday, June 2, through Saturday, August 1. During her residency period, Ms. Blumenfeld will develop Sky Stone Cycle, a new body of work charting the orbital paths of meteors through the solar system, and exploring their relationship to the formation of life on Earth. Visitors to the museum will be able to observe Ms. Blumenfeld at work in the gallery-turned-studio, in process of creating a new print edition employing ground meteorites as pigment. As quoted on the Blaffer website, Ms. Blumenfeld explained, “If stones hold memory, then meteorites that have been picked up by human hands have a particularly unique and intricate story to tell, one that spans remnant stellar chemistry, the forming and collision of planets out of pre-nebular dust, and human curiosity.”

Lawndale

From Sunday, June 12, through Saturday, August 15, Lawndale will present The Big Show 2026, the latest edition of its long-running open call juried exhibition surveying new art made within a 100-mile radius of its Houston location. Artists selected by juror Valerie Cassel Oliver, the Sydney and Frances Lewis Family Curator of Modern and Contemporary Art at the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts and former CAMH Senior Curator, will be announced in May. 

Galveston Art Center

The Galveston Art Center (GAC) will open two exhibitions during the summer months, opening Saturday, June 13, and running through Sunday, August 2. Komie Kim Le: All-You-Can-Eat will feature ceramic sculpture by this self-described “‘90s kid” based in San Marcos. Ms. Kim Le references her Vietnamese-American upbringing through ceramic crab pots, baskets, and fish sauce bottles, using elements of traditional Asian pottery to reference immigrant memory via domestic objects.

The GAC will also present Jasmine Zelaya: Tropical Depression, with details forthcoming of this Houston multidisciplinary artist’s solo exhibition. The shows will open with an ArtWalk Opening Reception on Saturday, June 13, from 6 to 9 p.m., and an artist talk at 6:30 p.m.

DiverseWorks

DiverseWorks will present Jesus Benavente: NUESTROWORLD, a satirical take on the boom and bust cycles of Houston as seen through the eyes of a San Antonio-born artist now living in Brooklyn, New York. With a Spanglish title meaning “the world is ours,” Mr. Benavente will create his version of an amusement park referencing Selena’s unforgettable 1995 performance at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, the 1960s opening of the once-iconic Astrodome and Astroworld Park, and the arc of Texas independence from the Battle of Gonzales, where the “come and take it” motto originated, to the 1836 Battle of San Jacinto.

NUESTROWORLD will open Saturday, August 1, and remain on view through Wednesday, September 30.

[Disclaimer: Glasstire is a sponsor of Lawndale’s The Big Show 2026.]

The post Exhibitions Coming to Houston Institutions in Summer 2026 appeared first on Glasstire.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How to tell an employee to stop being bossy with coworkers

I run a small, seasonal coffee shop with six employees. I generally have two to four return employees per season, which is a huge asset.

An employee who has worked for me before has asked to come back, and while they are reliable, great with customers, and a very good barista, my other employees struggled with them being a bit overbearing and bossy, sometimes even giving incorrect feedback on procedures, and causing tension. They have a very bubbly and big personality and I don’t believe they realize how they come off. I plan to have a sit-down with them before the season begins to talk through how we can keep this dynamic from repeating. I’m wondering how best to approach the subject without making them feel shut-down or uncomfortable at work.

Part of what I plan to do is to tell them not to instruct coworkers at all, to let me be “the bad guy” and the one to address problems if they arise, and that if they see something concerning, they should come to me and I will decide whether it needs to be addressed, which would also give me the opportunity to let them know if they are just wrong. Where I’m struggling is that it is a big part of their personality to “mother” and I don’t want them to feel like they can’t relax in the space, but I also need them to be aware of how they affect their coworkers, and that contributing to a positive and safe work environment is part of their job. The other side of it is that with me, they tend to need a lot of reassurance that they are doing well, that coffee tastes good, that I’m happy with them, etc. Which means that I don’t tend to see the dynamics as they play out.

Yep, the right move is to tell them not to instruct or train their coworkers and instead to flag things for you so you can decide how and if to address it. That’s true even if they identify as someone who “mothers” — because their coworkers may not want to be mothered, and you don’t want them doing that mothering and in fact it has caused problems when they have.

They’re going to need to keep that tendency outside of work — which is the case with all sorts of parts of people’s personalities! Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “this is part of their personality so I can’t ask them to stifle it” — because that’s how we get work environments where all kinds of inappropriate things are tolerated. You are permitted to say (and indeed, as a manager will often have to say), “Personality trait or not, this won’t work for this space” (and they are permitted to decide whether the job is still one they want under those terms or if they would rather move on).

2. I can’t get a word in during project meetings

I’ve been recently working on a project with people I haven’t worked with before. The type of project it is means that we are working with another external organization on the regular. I have a meeting alongside one of my colleagues, Jim, with executives from the other organization, Sally and Anne. I’m peer to some and junior to others, and on this project I’m junior to all.

Sally, Anne, and Jim all have a previous work history together and know each other quite well. When we have meetings, all three are the type that they talk … a lot … and don’t really let up to let other people jump in with their thoughts and ideas. It’s made it hard for me because despite raising my hand and attempting to cut in, I haven’t been successful in being able to get a word in edgewise. Going above them isn’t really an option because of their roles in their organizations, and I have no control over the agenda.

Speaking to them directly about this isn’t received well and it’s something all three know they are known for anyway. They have big personalities and take things very personally. So when you say something to them, even in a very constructive and thoughtful way, they’ll thank you for the feedback and then behind the scenes tell others that you’re not a team player, and they’ll be petty and passive aggressive to you. Do you have any advice for how I could move past being boxed out and maybe finally get to voice my thoughts in this situation?

Is there ever an opening in these meetings to say, “I’m having trouble getting a word in! I wanted to say something about X.” Or, can you talk to Jim privately before the next meeting and enlist his help? Even though he’s part of the problem, he might be receptive if you frame it as, “The three of you have worked together so closely and have such a good rapport that I’ve had trouble getting any room to talk in our meetings! Do you have advice for how I can create some room to contribute as well? I don’t want to cut people off, and even when I’ve tried it hasn’t really worked.”

If that doesn’t work, then because you’re the most junior one there, this might just be how these meetings are going to go. In that case, one option is to keep a running list of input and questions and take it to Jim (since he’s your coworker) one-on-one afterwards.

3. Should I invite my boss to my housewarming party?

I recently moved into a new apartment, and my partner and I are getting our ducks in a row for a casual housewarming party. Some snacks, BYOB, and some music some evening in the coming weeks as the weather gets nicer and we can use the back yard.

My team at work is a relatively young set-up (we range in ages from early 30s to early 40s, with some outliers on the plus or minus side of that bracket). I will be extending the invite to my work chat group, with no expectations anyone has to be there.

I wonder if I should also extend it to my manager. For context, she is also in her early 30s, around one year older than I actually. We have a pretty good working relationship and understanding so from a social perspective, I wouldn’t have a problem with inviting her and I don’t imagine others would either, as we all get along well in the team.

However, I know there is also a slight imbalance in terms of my being her direct report, and some managers may want to separate church and state and not socialize with their reportees.

If you’re inviting your whole team, it’s fine to invite your manager. She can decline if she wants to! If you’re only inviting a few people, then I’d leave her out.

If you want to be extra cautious, you could explicitly mention there are no hard feelings if anyone can’t make it, so no one feels pressured (but most people will assume that anyway, as long as you are not someone who routinely pressures people to do things they don’t want to).

4. When to disclose neurological issues before a firm diagnosis

Over the past year and a half, I’ve been experiencing some neurological issues that are affecting my work to a noticeable degree. These include lack of focus, limited memory (beyond general forgetfulness), and difficulty with comprehension. My manager has made clear that my work is suffering; I’m a director who is definitely not working at that level.

I am working with doctors to determine what is happening, but the process is going to take some time. In the interim, I’m starting medications. At what point, if any, should I disclose it to my manager? Since I don’t have a diagnosis, I’m not sure what to disclose exactly. But because my performance is obviously impacted (and I’m worried about my position), I’m wondering if I should say something.

Since your manager has already raised the work issues with you, you should definitely make it clear that there’s a medical context for it (so that they don’t assume you’re just checked out, stopped caring, etc.). Say it this way: “I’ve been experiencing some medical issues that are affecting my focus and memory. I’m actively working with my doctor to figure out what’s going on and get it under control. We’re working on treatment, and I’m hopeful it will be resolved soon.”

Related:
how do I handle being off my game at work because of a medical situation?

5. How can I negotiate for maternity leave at a new job?

I started job searching a few months ago, and am now in the final round of interviews for a great position.

After my second interview, I found out I was pregnant. My partner and I are super excited, but there’s a problem: employees of the new organization qualify for maternity leave after working there for 12 months, and they get eight weeks of leave. If I accepted this position, I would work for approximately six months before giving birth.

My current organization provides 12 weeks of maternity leave, and I already qualify for FMLA. Long-term, the new position makes more sense but it’s my first child, and I want that 12 weeks of leave to bond with them and heal.

I think I have a bargaining chip: I have a certain certification that’s rare in my field, but necessary to the new job. The organization would save thousands of dollars if they hired me instead of sponsoring the certification for someone else. If I’m offered the position, how do I negotiate for 12 weeks of maternity leave?

You can be pretty straightforward once you have the offer: explain that you’d love to come on board and are excited to work with them and you’re pregnant and due in (month) and your current employer offers 12 weeks of maternity leave, and ask if they’d be willing to match that for you starting in (month). If they agree, get it in writing.

The post managing a bossy employee, I can’t get a word in during meetings, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

Man, he needs to change his furnace filter more often.

You can tell by the music, either she’s going to make it or she’s going to die, but she’s in love.

Hey, how’s everything at this table? Great!

mst3kgifs:

That goes for you, too, Clayton.

mst3kgifs:

Buy yourself another mother.

KANSAS CITY, MO—Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran standing on the field at Kauffman Stadium was not part of any planned ceremony, a spokesperson for the Kansas City Royals confirmed Tuesday.  “We honestly have no idea how he got out there or what he’s doing,” said team spokesperson Sam Mellinger, adding that the man—who looked to be about 100 years old and might have once shot some Nazis—was causing a delay in gameplay and confusing fans, many of whom had stood up and applauded the veteran out of respect for his service. “Doesn’t seem like he’s causing any problems or anything, but we’d appreciate it if he returned to his seat. If his family is here, maybe they can go get him.” At press time, players were jogging around the veteran to take the field while he stared off into the distance and marched in place.

The post WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned  appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—In an effort to meet growing demand for her nuptials, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced on Instagram Friday that additional dates for her wedding had been added in Los Angeles, Miami, and Boston. “I’m so excited to bring this special night to as many people as possible,” said Swift, who has reportedly booked 300-seat country clubs in multiple cities across the nation with plans to bring her caterers, string quartet, and wedding party along in a bus to each venue. “Travis and I have been working so hard on our vows, and I’m really proud of what this team created. And of course, each night will end with a special stripped-down section where I’ll tell a surprise anecdote about our courtship.” Swift went on to say that Phoebe Bridgers would warm up the crowd each night by getting married right before her.

The post Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Authorities in the nation’s capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared to be a mass grave on the grounds of the White House.

Investigators were called to the scene after a groundskeeper performing routine landscaping around the North Lawn’s fountain noticed a lifeless arm protruding from a recently overturned patch of soil. Further excavation revealed a 100-foot-long grave stretching nearly to the Executive Residence and containing what experts concluded was almost a decade’s worth of decayed flesh, bone, and high-level security clearance tags belonging to former senior staffers of President Donald Trump.

“Preliminary analysis suggests most of these deaths date back to around 2017, with another massive spike in volume occurring throughout 2025,” said D.C. chief medical examiner Heather Jefferson, adding that the refrigerated trailer inside the department’s portable morgue unit had already reached capacity from the quantity of blond female corpses alone. “Luckily, in many cases, excessive amounts of chemical-based facial fillers seem to have slowed the rate of degradation.”

While investigators have not yet established an official cause of death for each of the 172 exhumed bodies, searches of the burial ground are said to have turned up thousands of spent bullet casings, several sets of Monroe silver cutlery taken from the State Dining Room, and a bloodied Bronco Buster statuette that West Wing cleaning staff had reported missing in 2017. Crime scene photos revealed few of the corpses to be fully intact, with much of the grave consisting of a grisly collection of severed limbs, low-quality veneers, and ill-fitting suits that had been hastily bound up in MAGA rally banners and dumped in the common grave.

“DNA samples taken from the many American flag pins found scattered in the grave helped identify several of the bodies,” said lead investigator Jim Fischer, noting that the cadaver dogs in his unit had led him to the remains of Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, John Bolton, John Kelly, Reince Priebus, Rex Tillerson, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Mick Mulvaney, and Mark Meadows thus far. “Many of the victims are individuals we didn’t even know were missing. Most were believed to have disappeared into lucrative private-sector consulting gigs.”

“Whoever did this clearly targeted victims no one would come looking for,” he added.

Authorities confirmed they were still searching for leads as to who might be responsible for the killing field and said they would be working closely with police from other states to determine whether the mass grave could be connected to the numerous bodies recently discovered on the grounds of a private resort in Palm Beach, FL, and in a densely wooded area next to a New Jersey golf course.

Law enforcement officials told reporters the most disturbing moment of the excavation came when they discovered a sole survivor in the form of a filthy, blood-covered, and nude Rudy Giuliani, who was found clawing his way up for air from among the bodies.

The post Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors appeared first on The Onion.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday night’s game between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. After drawing the window shades and settling himself in his favorite easy chair, Carter is said to have languidly stimulated himself while he cycled through a series of POV blow job clips on Jizz Tube, peeking up from his laptop screen at regular intervals to check in on the pivotal intradivision matchup that played on his nearby television. While kneading lotion into his erect, throbbing penis, the masturbator reportedly also kept close watch on the performance of Suns small forward Dillon Brooks, at one point muttering, “You gotta make that,” when Brooks missed an uncontested pull-up jumper and a glittering bead of pre-ejaculate trickled across Carter’s knuckles. Though the basketball fan did focus more attentively on masturbating during commercial breaks, reports stated that he continued to occasionally glance at his television throughout these periods, at one point merely cradling his scrotum loosely while he watched a 45-second ad for Skyrizi. According to sources, Carter reached orgasm immediately following the on-camera appearance of booth analyst Reggie Miller.

The post Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game appeared first on The Onion.

The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.

OTTAWA — With spring comes Mother’s Day, and with Mother’s Day comes planning. Where to take her for brunch? What kind of flowers to give her? And most importantly, how close to the big day is it okay to ask her for money? As many of us struggle to balance work, family, two side hustles, […]

The post Canadians wonder how close to Mother’s Day you can ask Mom for money appeared first on The Beaverton.

New comic!

All you have to do is keep this up indefinitely and the outback is safe.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The real punchline comes later when he marries a person who loves him, has a good boss, is respected by his children, works at a rewarding job for 40 years, travels the world for 25 years, and dies in painless repose, surrounded by loved ones.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The other thing is the robots are stingy with the porn and drugs.

field work

• archive
• journal
• support/store

Fizz! Old minor characters never die, except when they do die. No one likes Lottie more than Fizz.

I’ve never been there. And my birthday’s coming up. Hint hint.

The post Doctors Say Digging Own Grave Keeps Bones Healthy After Menopause appeared first on The Onion.

A purported suicide note found by Jeffrey Epstein’s cellmate after his first suicide attempt in 2019 was released to the public, though the handwritten letter has not been authenticated. What do you think?

“The people who work hardest to make other people happy are often the saddest inside.”

Cryus Curry, Toast Innovator

---

“The Jeffrey I knew would have emailed it.”

Gavin Hebert, Rug Weaver

---

“I had no idea he was struggling with so many demons.”

Aubrey Lin, Reef Cleaner

The post Jeffrey Epstein Suicide Note Released appeared first on The Onion.

“Also there will be an introductory referendum to determine what the question on my position referendum will be.” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood and Ian MacIntyre) talk about Carney’s sudden interest in privatizing airports, the Alberta Separatists data hack and the appointment of a new Governor General, a position we definitely still need. Then […]

The post Danielle Smith announces referendum to determine her position on Albertan Independence Referendum appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – Recent data from Parliament Hill suggests that Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre’s only chance of becoming Prime Minister rests on the possibility that one of his MPs who have recently crossed the floor to the Liberals is secretly planning to destroy them from the inside. “Obviously, every conservative loves me and being in my […]

The post REPORT: Poilievre’s only hope is that floor-crossing MPs will destroy Liberal Party from within appeared first on The Beaverton.

1. You have two children, ages two and five. You must take them to the dentist at 10 a.m. tomorrow, which is five miles from home, and you’ll be driving at thirty miles per hour. When should you start getting your children ready to leave?

ANSWER: Yesterday. This allows for one roadside stop to find a lost teddy bear, a second to break up a sibling fight that includes a bloody nose, and a third to clean up vomit. In other words, just pay that appointment no-show fee now and let their teeth rot.

2. You cook spaghetti and meatballs for your family, which they have enjoyed at least two hundred times in the past. What is the statistical probability that all of your kids will inexplicably say this is the most disgusting meal ever and refuse to eat it?

ANSWER: 100 percent.

3. One of your children must be at soccer practice at 4 p.m.; the other has their piano lesson at 4:30 p.m.; and you have a mammogram booked for 4:45 p.m. Will you make it back to pick up your kids from their respective lessons before 5:30 p.m.?

ANSWER: Yes, because you had to take an urgent Zoom call from your boss about the teriyaki chicken you left in the office fridge three weeks ago. You’ve now missed your appointment, but don’t worry, it will only take two years to book another one.

4. Add the following to work out how long it will take you to get your child to sleep tonight:

• Screaming about shower time for five minutes, plus screaming about the end of shower time for ten minutes, plus demanding to be re-wrapped in a towel eight times so it feels “right” for ten minutes = 25 mins
• Arguing about needing the Stitch pajamas, NOT the “dumb” Bluey ones, for five minutes, plus having a demonic episode because they’re too wet to get them on for ten minutes = 15 mins
• Smearing toothpaste on the basin, mirror, and walls for five minutes, plus brushing teeth for five seconds = 3.05 mins
• Refusing to use toilet = 2 mins
• Reading The Gruffalo = 10 mins
• Reading Chicka Chicka Boom Boom = 10 mins
• Reading The Gruffalo again, but with a Cockney accent = 10 mins
• Reading The Gruffalo again, but with a Cockney accent and also in song = 10 mins
• Getting a cup of water = 2 mins
• Getting another cup of water because the first one tasted “yucky” = 3 mins
• Going to the toilet because of all the water = 3 mins
• Getting up because they’re scared of The Gruffalo = 2 mins
• Wanting you to sing KPop Demon Hunters in a lullaby arrangement = 2 mins
• Reciting The Gruffalo from memory with your eyes closed, then falling asleep before your child does = 5 mins

ANSWER: Trick question—your child is still awake.

5. You must be up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, but you only got the kids to bed at 9 p.m. To ensure you get the recommended nightly sleep allocation for adult women (eight hours), should you:

A. Go to sleep immediately
B. Watch one quick Friends episode to unwind
C. Open a bottle of wine, and watch five back-to-back episodes of Love Is Blind while scrolling Instagram and commenting on everything Britney Spears has ever posted

ANSWER: A, but you’ll definitely choose C. Screw the recommendations; you need this “me” time.

6. You pulled an all-nighter before your child’s eighth birthday, wrapping presents, stuffing goodie bags, and baking a dairy-free Labubu cake. How many times does your kid say thank you?

A. 3
B. 1
C. -5

ANSWER: C. There were no thank-yous, and your child had an explosive tantrum because her Labubu was orchid pink, not pastel pink.

7. Your husband is working away this week. What is the statistical probability of one or more of these things occurring within twenty-four hours of his departure?

• A once-in-a-hundred-year hailstorm knocks out the power to your house so that you cannot use your phone, the Wi-Fi, or your electric vehicle
• One of your children comes down with a new, rare form of flesh-eating bacteria
• Another of your children gets lice
• You get lice, the flesh-eating bacteria, and a UTI
• Your children’s fighting becomes so violent and loud that a neighbor calls the cops

ANSWER: 100 percent.

8. You have a spare thousand dollars to spend (remember, this is theoretical). Is it better for your mental health to spend it on:

A. Therapy
B. A cleaner
C. A rusty old van

ANSWER: C. Park the van in an abandoned lot where you can drink white wine, eat leftover Goldfish from your handbag, and scream into the abyss.

9. Your kids make you breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day, unsupervised. There is syrup on the kitchen ceiling, the smoke alarm is blaring, and the dog is licking raw eggs off the floor. How long will it take you to clean up?

ANSWER: It doesn’t matter. Your stomach is full of pancakes, your sheets are covered in dog slobber, and your tired heart is full of love. There are some things math simply can’t explain.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Technically, this is literary humor.