Ahoy Captain! I
(31 she/her) am currently dating “J” (32 he/him). We’ve been dating for a little over a year now. Things are going well, except for one thing…he isn’t divorced, and I’m not sure that he wants to be. Any scripts for a conversation around that topic are greatly needed.When we began dating last year in 2022, he told me he was in the process of a divorce, and that he and his former spouse had parted ways in 2020. He told me that the former spouse ended things, and moved out in 2020. They never had any children,or owned any pets together. Their home was an apartment that they rented, so when they stopped living together, they did not have a home to sell, and the landlord rented that apartment to someone else.
I was of the understanding that the divorce would be finalized by the end of 2022…until J let me know that they still needed to file for divorce. Which threw me for a loop. I bring up that they never had kids/pets/property together, because from what I can tell, in the absence of this, shouldn’t the divorce be pretty simple? But maybe I was wrong. I’m no lawyer. So I accepted that maybe some hiccups had happened–it’s not like the legal system is that great anyhow.And then he let me know back in July they still hadn’t filed for divorce yet–but was supposedly working on it–and alarm bells went off in my head. I don’t know how to have a conversation about divorce.
I was single for a long time before meeting J, and he’s my first Serious Relationship. I’m so sad I’ve been with someone who, aside from this issue, is a great person. He makes me smile, I feel safe with him, he takes the time to call me and check on me, etc. I can say with total sincerity he is one of the most caring people I know.He was with former spouse for nine years. His home life was pretty chaotic, and he got married young partly to escape that. I don’t know what it’s like to have been with someone for nearly a decade, to grow from your teens to your late twenties with them, and then to have to figure out who you are apart from that relationship. I was sorry to hear that two of them grew apart as people, but not surprised. People often have more growing to do in their mid to late twenties, and I’ve been several marriages collapse between people who both were married before age 25.
We spend every weekend together, call each other at least weekly, have met each other’s families, traveled together, etc. My parents have asked about marriage, and I’m of the understanding his family has wondered the same. We’ve talked about trying to have kids together, and are on the same page. I could see this relationship lasting years, and I don’t feel comfortable having kids with someone outside of marriage, not because of moral ones, but because of legal logistics, such as being on the same health insurance, paid parental leave, who gets what last name, etc. How do I even approach this conversation with him? I want to be sensitive of their long history together, while also still respecting my needs. I was single for so long, I feel out of my depth. To be quite honest, I’m very insecure about that, and I’m jealous he had a partner throughout his twenties, and had the opportunity to have a wedding, and be married.
I can’t help but feel like Option B. Any advice is appreciated.
Sincerely,
Second-Best
Dear I’m Not Calling You ‘Second Best’ Even If You Named Yourself That,
Your letter is but one chapter in a very old story, where straight women are simultaneously pressured to seek marriage and children and shamed if they admit to wanting those things where anyone might hear them. Straight men in these stories tend to show up as intensive renovation projects who will be ready to “settle down” someday, it’s just that right now they are skittish wild stallions who might bolt at the first sign of anything like “human needs” or “priorities.”
The more we buy into that story, the more we end up with relationship patterns where women do a ton of work to “prove” their worth to men who may or may not have the bright idea, completely of their own volition without any prompting, to reciprocate someday. I think this is a fairly mild case*, but the reason I’m classifying your problem this way is that you are scared that talking frankly about future plans with a partner who seems to be making a lot of the same future plans will somehow “ruin” the relationship. If the relationship does not in fact survive a “Dude, when are you getting divorced?” conversation, it won’t be because your needs were silly or you asked for them wrong. For any advice I give you to actually work, we have to start here: You want to get married and have kids. You’d like to do that with J. You would prefer to start sooner rather than later. If he also wants those things to happen, then literally the least he can do is file paperwork that he’s had the last three years to do. If he doesn’t want that, waiting another year to find out is hardly in your best interest.
(*For comparison purposes, just as the sun rises and sets, we can trust that each new day will bring a new Reddit post about a recently-or-not-quite-divorced cishet man who expects endless financial and emotional support, housework, and even on-demand childcare for kids from previous relationships in the streets and offers nothing but eternal life in Casa Mojo Dojo with his Long-Term Long-Distance Low-Commitment Casual Girlfriend in the sheets.)
Since The Holidays
are looming and we’re about to enter Year Four of him being broken-up-but-not-on-paper, I think it’s the perfect time to clarify some stuff. Start with sorting through your own fears and needs. Figure out what a good outcome looks like and what kind of boundaries and limitations you’d be comfortable enforcing. For example:
Is some of your insecurity and malaise being driven by family pressure? Is the prospect of 10,000 “So when are you crazy kids getting married?” “Hahaha I’ll let you know as soon as the divorce is final…or even filed…” conversations making you not look forward to running the imminent Celebration Gauntlet together? Is his limbo status causing you to feel like you have to lie to family members? What if you didn’t lie? Would it be better for you to fly solo this year and give him time to catch up on his paperwork and hang with his own family of origin instead of doing the Cute Couple Thing with this big missing piece still between you? (I know that feels like punishing yourself on some level, but I want you to at least think about it. When you brought him around in the past, it’s likely that you didn’t know that he was still going to be married for at least another year. Now you know. Does it change your calculus if you think about it as a respite for you from worrying about this vs. denying either of you something?)
It doesn’t sound like you live together, which is a good thing in my opinion, but are you talking about combining households, finances, DNA, etc. in the near future? Consider that if there’s been no legal separation, then it’s quite possible that your boyfriend and his ex are jointly responsible for any debts the other one incurs, listed as beneficiaries on all kinds of paperwork, and legally able to make complex medical decisions for each other in case of emergency. So maybe a bright red “Hmmm, that sounds like a great topic for after you’re divorced!” boundary needs to come into play before making any big plans. Speaking of which, if you can get pregnant, this is a great time to revisit and lock down your birth control situation so there are no accidents. Gestating Mr. Technically Still Married’s fetus is not going to make you feel more secure or in control right now.
Do you have an internal Sheelzebub Countdown running? Meaning, if you knew that this thing that makes you unhappy was unlikely to change, how much longer would you stay invested? Another six months? Another year? Longer? If you do have that internal counter running, maybe combine it with the boundary about discussing future plans, like, “Once I check in again about divorce, I’m not planning any joint vacations, purchases, family visits, merging of practical stuff with him for six months or he handles his shit, whatever comes sooner.”
Once you’ve reminded yourself of your own priorities, then I suggest being as frank as possible: “Hey, as we’re making all these plans, I’d like an update on how your divorce is coming along. As of July you still hadn’t filed, but how do things stand now?”
Where you go from there is going to depend on what he says and what you want to do about it. Once you bring it up, don’t be afraid to ask all the questions that are on your mind. (It’s not like it’s going to get less awkward, and more honesty and clarity might lead to good things). If he hasn’t filed, why not? What is the barrier? What is his timeline and plan for resolving that? Is it financial, does it have something to do with the legal system, is it something that he needs to work out in therapy? If they’re ‘working on it,’ what does that mean in practical terms? Is it his plan to move forward with you on stuff like marriage and kids? Does he understand that none of the stuff he talks about doing with you someday, like having kids, is remotely on the table until he handles this?
For best results, resist the urge to explain yourself. Your explanation is, “I love you, and I want to be with you and do all the great stuff we’ve talked about, but it’s hard to move forward with future plans while you’re still married to someone else.” You took a risk on him when you could have been like, “uh, I like you too, but howabout you call me after you’re all the way single” and you have nothing to prove to this guy about your open-mindedness or loyalty here. It’s been a year since you got together, and it is okay to want him to formally end his marriage before making any more promises or plans with you.You’re not being unreasonable, “nagging,” too needy, controlling, or whatever negative messages are bouncing around in your head. Don’t be afraid to swat down excuses and bad faith arguments like paper airplanes. “If it’s ‘just a piece of paper,’ and it ‘doesn’t change how you feel about me’ then it makes sense to ‘just’ file it already.” “I”m not ‘making a big deal,’ I’m telling you outright that it matters to me.” “Look, I’ve tried to be really hands off about this, but it’s definitely on my mind and I’m not a jerk for wanting an update.”
There is a risk that he will continue to stall, and if that happens you’ll have to decide what you can live with. By probing further, you may find out truths that you don’t want to. He may in truth not want to be divorced. Even if he does, he may not be on the same timeline as you are about getting married and having kids. He may be so disorganized that he’s a bad fit for you simply in practical terms. Is running the risks of big honesty and big love better than sitting with this dread and uncertainty for another year of your precious life? From here, saying “Are we really doing this? Then I need you to sort out your shit if you’re serious about being together” and potentially learning an answer you don’t want seems better than letting someone string you along, but only you can decide if that’s true for you.