Krabler

softgrungecersei:

The bees in Candyman were bred specifically for the movie. They needed to make sure that the bees were only 12 hours old so that they looked like mature bees, but their stinger wouldn’t be powerful enough to do any real damage. Real bees were actually put into Tony Todd’s mouth while they where shooting the climax. His only protection was a mouth guard that kept him from having the bees go down his throat. Virginia Madsen is allergic to bees, so an ambulance was always on set while filming the bee sequence.

Some food people are real sticklers for words and what they mean. For example: pizza. I consider the pizza at Pizzeria Mozza (developed by Nancy Silverton) to be some of the best pizza I’ve ever had, but there are detractors out there who call it focaccia because it’s so puffy. I’m pretty sure it’s pizza for a few reasons: 1. it’s round; 2. it’s cooked in a wood-burning oven; 3. the name of the restaurant is Pizzeria Mozza.

Still, even I had to raise an eyebrow at the pizza I just made from the cover of this month’s Bon Appetit. The dough is a clever riff on Jim Lahey’s no-knead bread. Though this one you knead, for 12 minutes, and then let it rest–and ferment–overnight in the fridge.

Click here to read the rest of this Amateur Gourmet post »

​HUGE Design, a product design consultancy in San Francisco, teamed up with a local bike builder to create the ultimate utility bike for the 2014 Oregon Manifest bike design competition. The result was EVO Urban Utility Bike, a hybrid bicycle with a modular accessory platform that helps the bike adapt to the user’s needs.

When analyzing the current needs of city dwellers, they realized that the one consistent thing that was missing was, well, consistency. Not only does every biker have different needs, even these needs change throughout the week. It is this inconsistency that inspired them to build the EVO.

The EVO Urban Utility bike combines the robust nature of a mountain bike with the functionality of a city bike to match the different city environments. It has easily detachable cargo accessories that are attached through quick-connect mounts that quickly lock into the frame, or are removed when not needed.

The bike also has an asymmetrical frame that supports holding heavy loads in both the front and back of the bike. That “truss” frame geometry is functional and iconic, while also simplifying the welding and time for production.

EVO Urban Utility Bike also has a front fork lockout, making it easy to lean against the wall when loading and unloading. For safe night riding, it has front and back lighting systems, as well an integrated frame cable lock.

'seatylock' is an integral part of you two-wheeler, so it will never be forgotten and takes no more than 30 seconds to fix to a immoveable object.

The post seatylock secures your bike by transforming the saddle into a lock appeared first on designboom | architecture & design magazine.

Lunch at the Drug Dependency Treatment Hospital in Myitkyina. Photo by Diana Markosian/Reportage by Getty Images

“Rehab is great. It gives you a rest. It clears your mind,” says Kan Char, his voice softening to a slur. To celebrate a successful two-week stint at a drug rehabilitation center in Myitkyina, the dusty capital of Burma’s Kachin State, he has treated himself to enough heroin to last all day. Dressed in a navy polo and khaki trousers, he stands out among the raw-boned men and furtive teenagers at the needle exchange where we meet.

“I’m not an addict, though,” he says, rubbing his hands together. As proof, Kan Char (not his real name) tells me he’s always managed to juggle his drug habit with work and school. For the past two years, since graduating from university with a psychology degree, he has earned a living as a motorcycle mechanic. He resents the fact that he can’t find work in his field, but here in northern Burma—where unemployment exceeds 50 percent and addiction rates aren’t far behind in some towns and villages—finding, and keeping, a job of any kind is no easy feat. 

“The problem with most people is that they have nothing to do. Everybody is bored, everybody is angry. They start using drugs, maybe opium first, then straws [heroin sold packed into drinking straws], and soon they’re hopeless cases.”

The 26-year-old has a strategy for managing his habit. Shooting up is reserved for special occasions. He shows me his arms—I can see a bruise forming where he injected a few minutes ago, but there are no scars. The rest of the time he smokes, because smoking heroin is less addictive. When his drug use starts to get out of hand, he goes (or gets sent by his grandmother) to rehab.

“It works for me. I start feeling lost, I go,” he says, his eyes beginning to droop. “But it doesn’t work for everybody. And besides, there is not enough room [in the treatment centers].”

Patients passing time between group counseling and trips to the exercise yard. Photo by Diana Markosian/Reportage by Getty Images

To say that Burma has a drug problem is like saying Iraq has a violence problem; it’s pretty much impossible to overstate how bad things are. According to the UN Office on Drugs and Crime, there are about 300,000 addicts in Burma, most of them in Kachin and Shan States in the northeast. Anecdotally, addiction rates among young men are thought to approach 50 percent in the worst affected communities. Burma is the second largest opium producer in the world, after Afghanistan, and the northern part of the country is one of the cheapest places anywhere to get properly high.

Prices are rising, thanks to global demand, but £1 (or $1.63) will still get you a hit of reasonably high-grade heroin. The abundance of good quality narcotics, combined with mass unemployment, lax (some would argue "selective") police enforcement, and long-running regional wars between rebel groups and the Burmese army, has created an epidemic of drug addiction. Rehab offers the barest glimmer of hope for addicts. But getting clean here is a difficult proposition.

At the Drug Dependency Treatment Hospital in Myitkyina, the patients are a mix of university students, farmers, and jade miners. When I visit, they’re lined up to receive their morning ration of instant coffee. Joking around in their tracksuits, they seem happy for the diversion. It doesn’t last. Soon the patients are sent back to the military-style dormitory where they spend most of the day locked away from temptation. The size of a school gym, with bare walls painted aquamarine and two rows of creaking iron bedsteads, it houses about 50 men. They drift into the room beneath a sign that reads, “Addicts are people too” in English and Burmese. One man huddles under a blanket on the floor.

“The worst cases stay for 30 days,” explains Dr. Tin Maijong Oo, the hospital superintendent. “That is as long as we can keep them.”

Photo by Tyler Stiem

Admission is voluntary. In between group counseling and visits to the exercise yard, the patients kill time by reading, sleeping, and smoking cheroot cigars. They're weaned off heroin and onto methadone or opium, depending on where they live and the availability of one substitute or the other. Once they’re released they receive a two-year course of treatment in regular doses.

“I believe it works,” the doctor says, though he concedes that about 70 percent of patients will relapse at least once.

The problem is that addicts have few options. Government run rehab centers like this one are rare, and even those who manage to get admitted and make it through treatment face hard times when they return home. Their options are limited, with stigma making an already difficult situation even more difficult. It’s easy to fall back into old habits, because the temptations are usually still there.

The man on the floor looks up at us and utters something in Burmese.

The doctor translates: “He says he isn’t always like this. He wants you to write that down.”

Reverend Lahpai Ja Naw, a pastor with the Kachin Baptist Church and co-founder of Light of the World Mission. Photo by Tyler Stiem

Conspiracy theories are popular among the Kachin and other minority groups. Many people suspect that the lack of rehab facilities, or transitional programs, or anything resembling a coherent anti-drug strategy, is deliberate—that the government wants to encourage addiction. 

“It is a cold war,” says Reverend Lahpai Ja Naw, a pastor with the Kachin Baptist Church (KBC). I meet him at Light of the World Mission, a private, faith-based rehab center on the outskirts of Myitkyina. “Drug addiction is a way for the government to disenfranchise our youth. How else can you explain what is happening here?”

The Kachin have long been at odds with the Burmese authorities. As evangelical Christians in a Buddhist country that was, until recently, ruled by the most oppressive military regime this side of North Korea, they have been persecuted for years. They are barred from using their own language in schools and their political and religious freedoms are restricted. The Burmese Army routinely abuses Kachin civilians under the pretense of rooting out fighters from the Kachin Independence Army (KIA), a rebel group that's been battling the government for the past 50 years.

From the perspective of the Kachin, drugs are just one more way the authorities are trying to wipe out their culture. It’s widely believed, for example, that the price of heroin is kept artificially low, and that the drug is sold at lower prices to Kachin youth than to other kids. There have been several high-profile cases of police officers turning a blind eye to the trade and even selling drugs themselves. 

“I was outside one of the KBC churches just the other day,” the reverend says, shading his eyes from the morning sun. “I was offered heroin out in the open, just like that. The dealers have no fear of being arrested.”

As far as he’s concerned, the state’s methadone-based approach to rehab is only further proof of a conspiracy: “Imagine, sending addicts home with more drugs. They don’t want to cure those boys. They just trade one addiction for another.”

22-year-old Aung Naing (not his real name) shoots up every day. Paying less than £1 (or $1.63) for a hit, he can afford to maintain his habit by doing odd jobs and scrounging pocket money from his parents. Photo by Tyler Stiem

The Burmese government denies all of this, of course, pointing out that the drug problem has to do with Kachin State’s proximity to the Golden Triangle, and that a few bad police do not a conspiracy make. The Kachin have nevertheless taken the matter into their own hands, establishing church-based education programs—you can’t attend a KBC service without hearing anti-drug messages—and building their own rehab clinics.

Reverend Lahpai Ja Naw co-founded Light of the World Mission four years ago. Tucked away on a country road a few miles beyond the bustle and temptation of Myitkyina, the rehabilitation center is a work in progress. Scaffolding covers the buildings and the smell of fresh sawed lumber fills the air. Demand has been so high that Light of the World is expanding to offer more beds and more programs for Kachin in need.

“It’s not enough, but it is something,” the reverend says.

Prayer, cleanliness, and encouragement—in the form of counseling and peer support—are the cornerstones of the program. The strongest drug the patients receive during their stay is paracetamol. In some ways it resembles a 12-step program like AA or Narcotics Anonymous. Whether it’s more effective in the long term than the state-run programs is unclear, but, flush with donations, Light of the World is definitely further reaching. After treatment, patients are transitioned out of the program with job training, long-term peer support, and other forms of assistance. The center itself employs former patients.

Today, 30 of them are gathered in a makeshift outdoor chapel next to the new treatment center. It’s the first day of a training program that turns ex-addicts into drug counselors, and they’re listening to an inspirational sermon.

“As Christians, your life is for others, not for yourself,” a guest pastor intones. “You have overcome the self-centeredness of drug addiction. Out in the world, people don’t trust you, but by the light of your faith and hard work you can regain their trust. We believe in you.”

A patient reading the Bible. Kachin State, where the epidemic is concentrated, has a large population of Christians. Most of them are Kachin, an ethnic minority that has long been at odds with the Burmese government. Photo by Tyler Stiem

The counselors-in-training rise and sing God’s praises. Afterwards I meet Labang Dau Ze, a 24-year-old former poppy farmer who's been clean for a year-and-a-half. He started using opium and heroin to deal with the physical toll of 14-hour days in the fields. 

“For a long time all I did was work and do drugs. I fought with my family too much. I thank God for giving me the strength to beat this addiction. He has given me a unique outlook on the problem,” he says.

Lean and wary, Labang Dau Ze reminds me of greyhound. He worked for a Chinese businessman who he claims operated with support from the Burmese government. When I ask him if he ever saw government officials or soldiers visit the opium farm, he says he didn’t. “But everyone knows.”

The reality of the trade is complicated. Reports from Al Jazeera, the New York Times, and others suggest that everyone from government-sponsored militias to the rebel groups to high-profile businesspeople and politicians are involved to some degree. The local market is only a tiny fraction of the business.

Whether this amounts to opportunism or an actual conspiracy is another question. Labang Dau Ze thinks the latter, but I’m not so sure. Either way, his suspicion, shared by so many, speaks to the lack of trust Burma’s leaders will have to overcome if they want to unite the country.

Charts breaking down Burma’s addiction epidemic cover the walls of the treatment hospital in Myitkyina. Photo by Tyler Stiem

Back in Myitkyina, I make a point of asking a few users whether they think certain minorities are being groomed for addiction. Some are forthcoming: no. Others say yes, the government has it out for the Kachin, or the Shan, or the Chin. Their answers tend to depend on which group they belong to. But no one confirms the rumor that there are different prices for different groups. Drugs are cheaper for everyone here because they’re being sold closer to the source.

I meet one wisp of a kid whose plan to kick heroin is based entirely on this simple economic principle. His version of rehab involves moving to Yangon, about 500 miles to the south, where drugs are ten times more expensive. “I won’t be able to afford them, so I won’t do them,” he says.  

When I put the conspiracy theory to Kan Char, he scoffs. “What the Kachin are forgetting,” he says, “is that the government oppresses everybody. If there’s a conspiracy, it’s against all the people of Burma. We have democracy now, but that doesn’t change anything. The government wants to stay in control no matter what.”

Tyler Stiem's work in Burma is supported in part by the Canada Council for the Arts.

i’ve always wanted to finish a whole can of whipped cream in one sitting

Who’s hungry like the wolf? This Wednesday night, the Balboa Theater will screen Duran Duran: Unstaged, a concert film directed by none other than David Lynch.

The film captures a 2011 concert at Los Angeles’ Mayan Theater and was originally offered by the band as a live YouTube stream. But now, for one night only, Lynch’s cut of the concert will be screened in theaters.

The band had several guests at the concert including guitarist/producer Mark Ronson, My Chemical Romance’s Gerard Way, Beth Ditto from Gossip, and Kelis who reprised her guest spot on “The Man Who Stole a Leopard” track, off Duran Duran’s 2010 album All You Need Is Now.

“Doing live-switching duties while drawing from a well of pre-shot footage, Lynch’s visual contributions will often be recognizable to those who’ve seen his art photos, and sometimes even evoke his movies,” writes the Hollywood Reporter.

“In practice, the collaboration may be the most prosaic thing Lynch has ever done, as much a footnote to his core creative output as that champagne bottle he designed a while back.”

Duran Duran: Unstaged screens this Wednesday night at the Balboa Theater at 7:30pm. Tickets are $12.50 and are available online in advance or at the box office.

Sarah B.

coolator:

Press A to corn

No Class is a DIY tattoo parlor run by skater Jesse Brocato from his living room in Fairplay, Colorado. Every tattoo from No Class is free, provided you're at least halfway tanked when you start laying the ink on yourself. Which I think explains why the place is starting to pick up some steam among the skating community.

On a recent skate trip to Colorado, I visited No Class and had a chat with Brocato.

VICE: How did you guys get started?
Jesse Brocato: It all started one night when we found out that our friend Shane had a tattoo gun. We told him to bring it over, and he thought he was going to tattoo us, but we were like, "Fuck, give us that,” and we started tattooing ourselves.

That night I fell in love. I was like, “I’m never paying for a tattoo again.” Everyone pays thousands of bucks to get these fancy tattoos. The idea behind No Class is, why would you want a fancy tattoo when you could have a shitty ghetto tattoo?

And it took off from there?
Well, I used to make moonshine, so we’d get drunk on moonshine and then just start tattooing ourselves. Then we started buying more equipment online. Now we have three set-ups. People see our work, and they want a shitty tattoo too. I tell them they have to do it themselves. That’s what No Class is all about.

Is it hard to get the hang of it?
It took us a little while. In the beginning, we’d have the needle set way too far out, like a quarter inch, and I was going so deep it stopped the machine like a lawnmower in thick grass. It just destroyed the bone and took forever to heal. You start digging and it ends up looking like hamburger meat. You lay in all that ink, and then it heals up scarred and white.

Anything else you had to learn?
Pick the cat hair off the needle.

Does that “sterilize” it?
I mean, maybe I would have to read a little on bacteria and all that, but whatever, what we do is just hook it up and do it. We don't share needles or anything like that. I mean, it’s happened, but you really shouldn't do that. You think you’re clean, but you never know what you have. Somebody that actually tattoos would probably freak out if they came up here, but that’s part of it, part of the "fuck it" attitude of No Class. None of us has swelled up yet.

Word spreads quickly. No Class has picked up some steam.
It’s a small thing but it gets around. We get a lot of shitneck skaters and their crews that come through asking for tattoos. A few kids have gotten their first ever tattoos here. To me that’s awesome.

People wonder what we do up here; we just skate and tattoo. We’re mountain rednecks, I guess. We just get bored. You get a couple grinds in you, and a couple beers in you, and then you’re like, “All right, let’s go tattoo!” Grinds, beers, music, doobies, mosquitos, DEET, and that makes it.

How much does a session at No Class cost?
Nothing. If people want to come tattoo themselves, come on by. If they want to kick down, that’s awesome too. People bring food and beer, so we collect donations in that way. I buy the needles and ink. I don’t mind—I’m a generous person. A $100 bottle of ink will last us at least a year. Needles come out to be like 80 cents each—they’re real cheap.

Best or worst tat?
Our friend Dewey did a cheeseburger train on his leg. That one’s pretty great. They’re all great. The worst is one I did on myself—“breakin’ hearts since ‘75.”

Where do these ideas come from?
I don’t know; we just think of stuff. Sometimes it changes halfway through. One time Dana was drawing an upside-down cross, but it was getting really messed up, so someone had an idea to put balls on it. So he put balls on it, and then someone said it was starting to look like Cartman, so it ended up turning fully into Cartman. From an upside-down cross to Cartman. You just never know what you’re going to get.

Any plans for the future of No Class?
I’m building a pool here, and people already know there’s a bunch of stuff to skate up here in Fairplay, so it’ll grow. I don’t want to make money off it or anything. I just want to see shitty tattoos and good ones too. You never know when you’re going to die. You just gotta live. Tattoo yourself. It’s fun.

See more of Peter's photos here.

the quirky line scribbles are reimagined as lifelike underwater animals, insects and architecture, each a bit awry in their structural and biological precision.

The post telmo pieper reincarnates his childhood doodles as digital drawings appeared first on designboom | architecture & design magazine.

This week, the Presidio Trust closed off access to the small beach at Mountain Lake due to an occurrence of Blue-Green algae (Microscystis aeruginosa) in the lake, which has the potential to have adverse effects on human and animal health.

The full statement on the closure is below, sent out by Michael Boland, Chief of Planning, Park Projects, and Programs for the Presidio Trust.

In the meantime, keep your pooches on leash and your kiddos nearby, away from the water in the lake.

Sarah B.

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As you may be aware, a large algae bloom is currently occurring in Mountain Lake. Annual summertime algae blooms occur in many water bodies around California and historically at Mountain Lake. Blooms are typically caused by a combination of excess nutrients, warmer temperatures and ample sunlight, and may last several months.

We expected a significant bloom at Mountain Lake this summer due to the recent above average temperatures and the amount of suspended nutrients in the water resulting from the recent dredging of the lake bottom. The current bloom is expected to dissipate in the fall. However we recently identified a type of Blue-Green algae (Microcystis aeruginosa), which has the potential to have adverse effects on human and animal health, in the lake. Out of an abundance of caution and to ensure the safety of park visitors and their pets, we are going to restrict access to the beach until this algae bloom subsides. This morning Trust crews temporarily closed off the access to the Mountain Lake beach, and we will be installing signage by the end of the day. Today we also plan to send an email to the Mountain Lake mailing list to be sure we get the word out broadly.

As you know, we are in the midst of ongoing work on a number of restoration projects at the lake including installation of an aeration system, eradication of invasive fish, replanting of submerged aquatic vegetation, and reintroductions of native plant and animal species. All of these measures will improve the health of the lake and help reduce the likelihood of large algae blooms in the future.

We will keep you informed on the safety of the lake as conditions progress and notify you when the beach is ready to reopen.

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Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim are the kings of kooky programming. Their shows Tom Goes to the Mayor, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, and Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule are wildly successful, bizarrely beautiful odes to the absurd. Their latest, Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories (premiering September 18 on Adult Swim), is a bit of a departure from the weird territory that's served them so well. What makes it different? In a word, its normalcy. Which is not to say that it's genuinely normal—far from it. This is Tim and Eric, after all. A parody of psychological horror dramas like The Twilight Zone and Tales From the Crypt, it contains more of a traditional narrative and darkly comic tinge than any of their previous works do. We recently caught up with them at their offices in beautiful Glendale, California, and chatted about Bedtime Stories, their storytelling influences, the underlying terror that lies beneath the surface of the everyday, and... boys!!!

VICE: So, I watched the first two episodes of Tim and Eric's Bedtime Storiesand noticed that the humor is subtler—less slapsticky—than the special that aired last year. Is that going to be consistent throughout the series, or does that just happen to be the first two episodes?
Tim: Yes. The show is much more like the first two episodes than it is the pilot. The pilot was like, “Let’s just get started doing something.” We had Zach [Galifianakis] available, and when we do something with Zach, it’s usually in the characters of these three stooges. That’s the way that went. But then when we actually started writing the series, it kind of drifted toward more cinematic, dark short stories and not so genre-based. So most of the episodes are like the first two.

I noticed in the second episode, you guys don’t appear at all. Is that going to be consistent too?
Tim: That’s the only one that we’re not in. There’s another one where we’re in a much smaller role, but that’s the only one where we’re not in it at all.
Eric: We really enjoyed that opportunity to just sit back and direct it. It was actually amazing.
Tim: You put on less makeup when you’re directing.

OK, so this is some armchair analysis from yours truly, but the common thread I noticed in the episodes is the underlying fear that exists below the surface of the modern suburban existence. Am I just up in my own ass about that, or was that intentional?
Tim: I think it’s there for sure. I think our ideas are products of our environment and our life, and we’re white boys: suburban, middle-class people. So I always think about that. We’re way close to the edge of everything falling apart. It feels like that every day. How has this not turned to total shit? How are people still working at TJ Maxx and not throwing garbage cans through windows? So the relationships that characters have in our shows are generally relationships that feel like they could turn into murder at any point.
Eric: Yeah, I think one thing we’ve connected—even back in college—was that we’ve always seen the undercurrent of what was happening. There’s society, and then there’s like, you can’t believe what is really happening. I recall this one image of this poor guy who was a sign twirler at this big real estate development. It was just a guy holding a sign, and across the street, at another development, was a motorized guy with the same job. That just blew my mind—that this man had to sit there and look at that motorized version of himself the whole day. Those are the kinds of themes that we look at, and we’re like, “That’s a real fucking nightmare existence.” That’s what we’re trying to do in this new show.
Tim: Once we started making the show, and we saw what we were actually doing, I sort of thought, Well, this show is not going to make you feel good. And we shouldn’t be feeling good! We’re shit people. We’re a shit culture. This is like punishment for being horrible. There’s so much feel-good stuff that comes out, especially in comedy now, where things are very cute and very clever and sort of like everybody’s in on the joke and winking. I feel like our show tends to try to be like a little more reminding of how awful things really are in the world.
Eric: My favorite films or art or music are when you feel something from it, and we want these episodes, even if you’re not laughing at the end of it, we want you to go away with like, “Whew, that was something.” That’s what we’re interested in now. A little different than the sketch show.

How do you think that people work at TJ Maxx without throwing garbage cans through windows?
Tim: That’s maybe not the best example, but yeah, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want to sound like an elitist, but it seems like we all put up with a lot of crap. It’s amazing how much crap we put up with.
Eric: We didn’t start our lives making TV shows. I worked at Burger King for many years. I used to just make Whoppers for myself and put them in my pocket and go into the bathroom and eat them. I was such a hungry teenager, it was disgusting.
Tim: Growing boy.
Eric: I had to hide the trash. So I’ve been there. I’ve been on that level of life. I used to shoot Bat Mitzvahs for rich people. I think all of those life experiences add up.
Tim: And he's anti-Semitic, so it was very challenging. [Laughter] 

Oh, the blogosphere’s gonna love that anti-Semitism. I’ve been asked to ask you: Who are your storytelling influences?
Tim: Oh, I heard that was an idea for this story. Well, Dostoyevsky.
Eric: Who’s the guy that does the Giving Tree? Shel Silverstein? [Laughter] I mean, like, for me, it’s things like David Lynch. Recently, we were watching his old stuff, like Blue Velvet and Wild at Heart, which are almost like traditional stories—which we’re trying to tell here—but there’s this perverted nature of everything. It’s really interesting.
Tim: For me, the Coen Brothers, where there’s always characters who are on the verge of going through some kind of meltdown. Normal people who are complicated and having trouble, and being shit on by the world. Especially some of their later films—like, A Serious Man I just rewatched—goddamn it. Hell is lived through. You know, all the greats.
Eric: We also try not to be egomaniacs, but I mean, we try to live in this universe where we create stuff trying not to emulate anything. I feel like that’s the way we started. Even when we came to LA, we tried to really not get into the sitcom scene. We just wanted to stay in this universe.
Tim: The sitcom scene is a pretty cool scene.
Eric: It’s very hip.

You create completely original content, but while still operating under traditional dynamics. This is kind of like a Twilight Zone type of show.
Tim: Well, yeah. When we were writing this, we thought… a lot of times, on Awesome Show and other stuff we do, there isn’t so much of a concern about the narrative. It’s not like, “How can this wrap up and be satisfying?” You know, a lot of stuff just kind of ends where a baby explodes out of our heads. It doesn’t matter. So for this show, we’re like, let’s tell real stories that have an ending and generally kind of conclude and wrap up in a way. That was an exercise for us and a new kind of thing we decided to care about, for the sake of making something feel different than what we’re used to seeing.

Are there any other tropes like that you would be interested in tackling?
Tim: You know, I think sci-fi is something we want to try to do more regularly. More science fiction.
Eric: Or something like The Shining. Real psychological horror, which I think we’re almost there in some of these episodes. Like, true horror. Not gore, but true really-fucking-frightening.

That segues flawlessly into my next question, which is: What genuinely terrifies each of you?
Tim: I’d say that VICE News special on ISIS.

Yeah, that’s terrifying shit.
Tim: That’s the scariest shit. All that shit really does frighten me. Today, I was driving back from an interview, and there was an Enterprise rental truck in the furthest lane. It was like, in the middle of the highway, just parked, with the hazards on. No driver. So obviously it had broken down, and the guy was on the other side, but my head immediately was like, “That’s a bomb!” Then I started thinking, well, if you’re terrorists, you could do that at the 10 freeway, the 5 freeway, and the 101. You’d need five guys, spread them out, time it right, and LA goes down. So that’s what I think about all the time. I make sure I have enough water in my home, and that kind of stuff. I’m this close to becoming one of those lunatics.
Eric: Do you have a survival kit?
Tim: I have a shitty one from Home Depot from a few years ago.
Eric: My biggest fear is having a daughter, and she turns into a fucking nightmare teenager slut.
Tim: Anal porn?
Eric: Yeah. I don’t know why I think about that a lot, though. I think about having a kid that hates me. That’s my biggest fear.
Tim: Shit. I actually have a daughter, and that’s not my biggest fear.
Eric: I know! I don’t know why I think about it. I see kids sometimes, and I’m just like, “They hate their parents.” They just want love.

What’s the least terrifying thing you can think of?
Eric: The least terrifying would be… My little cats, sleeping. Snuggling with my kitties.
Tim: I don’t think that’s a legitimate question. That’s a very strange Seventeen magazine question. Not up to VICE standards.

OK, so what do you think about boys?
[Laughter]

I was going to ask, “Do you remember the last time you were ever scared?” More on that Seventeen magazine tip, you know.
Eric: I would say that I did have this dream that included my first girlfriend, of 11 years, Tim, my parents, my friends, everyone turned on me. My girlfriend was fucking one of my friends and doing heroin, they killed Tim, and my sister and my family disowned me. I remember being so horrified for months because of this dream. It was really bad.

Like you couldn’t shake it?
Eric: Yeah! It was one of the heaviest things that’s happened, and it wasn’t real. It was like, classic horror ideas all rolled into one. Weird.

Follow Megan Koester on Twitter.

AmiguruMEI is back to share her another stunning amigurumi pattern, specially contributed to Craft Passion, please welcome Mimi-chan, the cute little hedgehog amigurumi. [Update Jan 2015: here is a big amigurumi apple pattern if you need to make an apple for Mimi-chan :)]

In tribute to my sister’s pet hedgehog, I sewed and shared a hedgehog coin purse few weeks ago (get the pattern here) and I also requested AmguruMei to design a hedgehog amigurumi for the same cause. I showed AmiguruMEI my hedgehog coin purse during the process of sewing. Knowing the talent of amiguruMEI that she will definitely come out with a marvelous hedgehog amigurumi pattern, by all means, she still surprised me with this cute Mimi-chan. My jaws dropped when she delivered her articles to me. I really love the roll-up posture of Mimi-chan, the little hedgehog amigurumi, not to mention it’s fuzzy quills and it just got it’s own character. Crochet it with the amigurumi pattern on page 2, great as a gift to anyone!!!

By the way, amiguruMEI has a new amigurumi book coming up and you can pre-order it via Amazon. If you love Sanrio Friends, you shouldn’t miss this book. Read more about the book at amiguruMEI.

{CLICK HERE to get the Hedgehog Amigurumi Pattern.}

The post Hedgehog Amigurumi appeared first on Craft Passion | Free Patterns.

the japanese photographer concentrates on capturing the details, presenting only a magnified section of an animal's skin, revealing the colors and textures of their figures.

The post yusuke sakai focuses on seeing the skin of animals appeared first on designboom | architecture & design magazine.

Roadtrippin hairbraids (fishtail)

Feeling like your neighborhood and city are a bit picked-over but don't have the time or funds to go very far this summer? Keep in your backyard by exploring your state. Here are some ideas to spark summer state exploring fun!

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the cats can be seen adorned with the jewelry, shirts, scarves and sweaters of their parent, hiding under hoodies and sporting swanky hairstyles.

The post sebastian magnani swaps felines with their owners for undercats appeared first on designboom | architecture & design magazine.

Return to the VICE Guide to Europe 2014 homepage

All photos by Raymond van Mil unless otherwise stated

The Dutch capital is a compact museum city being sunk into its canals by rich Americans staring at Rembrandts and the revolving cast of perverts and drug addicts who infest the red light district. Here’s how to not be awful in Amsterdam.

Jump to sections by using the index below:

– WHERE TO PARTY
– WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?
– POLITICS, PROTESTS, AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?
   Screw in the Park but Don't Wear Soccer Cleats | Protests? What Protests? | Immigration
– WHERE TO EAT
– WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?
– LGBT AMSTERDAM
– WHERE TO DRINK
– WHERE TO STAY
– WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU'RE SOBER
– HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP
– HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST
– PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID
– TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES
– A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC
– VICE CITY MAP

WHERE TO PARTY

De Soos

12 Leidseplein
One of the very few reasons to go to Leidseplein is for the Chicago Social Club, which everyone just calls "De Soos." It’s a former theater that’s been converted into a laid-back club with a big dance floor, and it attracts every Dutch person who dresses a bit like you.
LINK

Trouw

127–131 Wibautstraat
This is hands-down the best club in Amsterdam, and the atmosphere on the dance floor is as good as in any club we’ve been to in Europe. They somehow manage to book great DJs every single night (apparently great DJs love coming to play in Amsterdam, who’d have guessed?), but if you’re planning on going, make sure you’re in the know with who’s on that night because the doormen can be dickheads. Name the DJs who are performing, and they’re more likely to let you in. Be quick, because 2014 looks set to be the last year Trouw (that's what we call it for short, let's face it, it's got a fucking stupid name) is open. They haven’t announced why they’re closing yet, but they have just banned cameras, so maybe they’re really, really paranoid about their appearance or something.
LINK

Studio 80
17 
Rembrandtplein
Rembrandt Square is the fucking pits, but tucked away between all kinds of horribleness is Studio 80, which for almost a decade has been one of the city’s most important clubs on the house and techno scene. It’s almost exactly 50 percent better than Studio 54. That’s just math.
LINK

Canvas
Volkshotel, 150 Wibautstraat 150
The Western world's current sad lust for putting clubs in hotels hasn't spared Amsterdam, the difference being that ours isn't a waiting room peopled by new media dads, mediocre laptop DJs, and bemused foreign-exchange students. Canvas is actually on top of Volkshotel, an old newspaper factory in the east of the city, which means it's now the only club in Amsterdam with a view worth opening your eyes for. Get a bottle of something fizzy and take your loved one up to a hot tub on the roof to experience just how glamorous the death of print media can be.
LINK

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Photo by Ewout Lowie

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DRUGS?

Contrary to stereotype, Amsterdam isn’t a lawless free-for-all. There are plenty of rules, but despite talk of changing the law, it remains legal for anyone over 18—tourists included—to buy weed in Amsterdam.

However, the national government is now relatively anti­-marijuana, and Amsterdam is closing dozens of coffee shops because they can’t be close to schools any more. Our best guess is that weed will be here to stay, but the "anything goes" attitude is long gone.

There are areas that display "no smoking weed" signs, but they aren’t actually enforceable. Still, if you see one you’re probably not in the best spot. As a general rule, if a bar is clean and tidy, sparking up a joint in the smoking area will be frowned upon, even if it’s technically legal. So if you want to keep smoking you’re better off sticking to dark and dingy dive bars. Such is the stoner's lot.

The tobacco laws are just as random. Officially, a smoking ban in all bars and restaurants was passed a few years ago, but after a while an exception was made for small bars. There are smoking areas in most clubs, and in some it’s sort of accepted that people light up after a certain time of night. Follow the lead of the locals if you don't want to look like a prick.

Mushrooms are effectively still legal. They now don’t come in their OG mushroom format, but as a sort of nutty root called "Philosopher’s Stone Truffles." They have the exact same psychoactive substance in them and are derived from the actual mushrooms. You can buy them over ­the ­counter at any smartshop, most of which have an orange mushroom logo out front.

Holland is one of the largest producers of MDMA in the world, and in classic Dutch style we can send our pills to a government test lab who will tell us if they're good quality. The government would rather have us rolling hard than dead. They used to have these services at large raves, but sadly Christian political parties had them closed down because they felt “it sent the wrong signal.” The wrong signal being “safety first,” apparently.

Cocaine is relatively popular, but the quality varies, as do the attitudes of those selling it. Locals know that the street coke dealers are kind of sketchy, and no one wants to get mugged by some scumbag.

Just because cops are relatively easy-going doesn’t mean people don't get into trouble. People who are caught by a bouncer carrying one or two pills probably won’t get in and will definitely lose their drugs. Anyone using openly is chucked out once a bouncer sees him. Anyone with enough on him that he could feasibly be dealing will end up meeting the cops, though the police have been known to be lenient to people carrying small amounts, provided those people aren’t dicks about it. Anyone who goes all hippie badman and calls them narcs or fascists is probably going to end up in a cell.

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POLITICS, PROTESTS, AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?

SCREW IN THE PARK, BUT DON'T WEAR SOCCER CLEATS

The Vondelpark—the best park in town—has its own set of rules. It's the only place in the Netherlands, and maybe the world, where you can legally fuck and smoke weed outdoors. There’s a certain etiquette to it: Go in the evening or night time. Avoid the children's playgrounds. Be a good human being and pick up your condoms. Also, you can’t go to the park while wearing studded soccer cleats, although admittedly that’s quite a specific fetish.

Squatting has been illegal in Amsterdam since 2010, and while the few squats that remain are still tolerated, they're quickly becoming relics of an already lost struggle.

Geert Wilders and his Party for Freedom are pretty far right, but they've become more and more mainstream as they've gained popularity over the years. Although Wilders is anti-EU, he currently wants to remain a member of Parliament in the Netherlands AND be granted the opportunity to become a member of the European Parliament, which is currently a legal impossibility.

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(Photo by Alejandro Tauber)

POLITICS, PROTESTS, AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?

PROTESTS? WHAT PROTESTS?

The Dutch aren’t known for taking to the streets in anger. Our country’s unofficial motto is: “Act normal; that's crazy enough.” We tend to think of street fighting as the sort of thing that happens in other countries.

Amsterdam's last major riots were more than 30 years ago. On April 30, 1980, squatters took to the streets to protest the national housing shortage. This was the date that our former queen, Beatrix, was set to be crowned, and grand festivities were scheduled in her honor. Instead, tear gas filled the air and shops were looted as police and rioters went head to head. 

Protests since then have been very small and are more likely to come from the extreme left than the extreme right. Having said that, Occupy Amsterdam hardly made a political dent here. The populist right sometimes have their moment in the sun, like when they demonstrated in defense of Santa’s helper "Black Pete," enthusiastically reminding the planet that there’s nothing remotely racist about Father Christmas having an assistant (slave if you will) in blackface.

Act normal; that's crazy enough. Remember that and you'll understand how Amsterdam was built on pragmatism rather than passion. It also makes the city and the Netherlands as a whole more boring than it probably wants to be.

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POLITICS, PROTESTS, AND JUST HOW RACIST IS EVERYONE HERE?

IMMIGRATION

Despite the country itself being a product of late medieval immigration, immigrants have been a source of stupid debate in the Netherlands for decades. 9/11 didn't do a great deal to quiet the issue. Back then, immigration’s harshest critic was the right-wing politician Pim Fortuyn, who was assassinated by an animal welfare activist turned immigrant activist in 2002. Which did not help anyone, least of all Pim, better understand the benefits of an open, free, and multicultural society. 

Although the worst of the storm seems to have passed, the fight over what it means to be Nederlands continues. This is mostly fueled by Geert Wilders, the leader of the Party for Freedom, who rails against Muslims and workers coming in from Poland, Bulgaria, and Romania.

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WHERE TO EAT

Rijsel

52 Marcusstraat
A small, well-lit rotisserie with a 60s vibe where they serve no-­nonsense food. This is a good place to chill out and not spend too much money. It's not a good place to come if you’ve just eaten a load of mushrooms and need to hide in a darkened room until the walls start behaving themselves.
LINK

SLA

34 Westerstraat
These days, coming back from Amsterdam healthier than when you arrived is the real act of rebellion, kids. Go to this salad bar for all the organic ingredients you can shovel into your mouth, then stick around for the workshops on healthy cooking so you can learn how to stop living on microwavable cheese meals made from sodium and donkey curd.
LINK

Brouw
Ten
16 Katestraat 16
Everywhere on earth does beer and burgers these days, but Brouw’s are actually good. They’re famous for their slow-cooked and smoked meats, so try their brisket, pork belly, and ribs and forget everything you learned about healthy eating. Meat is murder, sure, but it’s also suicide.
LINK

Koevoet

17 Lindenstraat
This Amsterdam institution has been here since 1889, so it doesn’t get much more authentic. It’s an Italian place located in the middle of the Jordaan, and as far as we can tell they’ve barely changed the menu since it opened. Seeing as people have been eating here since your grandparents were doing whatever the Greatest Generation's version of snapchatting dick pics was, they must be doing something right.
LINK

Le Fou Fow
9 
Stormsteeg
This is the best place to get Japanese food in Amsterdam. You’ll find it on the second floor, right above an Asian food shop that’s been giving it the big one here since 1957.
LINK

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WHAT DO LOCALS EAT?

Stroopwafels
What you need when you’ve hit rock bottom after a long, hard day of smoking stupid-strength weed is a hit of sugar, and Dutch people are always jonesing hard for a stroopwafel. It’s basically a cookie made from two thin waffles sandwiching a layer of syrup. It's really stupid stoner food, basically. 

Kroketten and Frikandellen

Imagine putting a cow, a pig, and a horse in a blender, then rolling the resulting mess into a sausage shape, covering it in breadcrumbs and deep-frying it. Voila! Kroketten and frikandellen are to Dutch cuisine what doughnuts and burgers are to American diners: disgusting, supposedly irregular treats that have slowly worked their way into our daily diet.

Roti

The former Dutch colony of Suriname blessed us with some great food traditions. One of the tastiest dishes is called roti and contains curry chicken, potatoes, beans, and the most important element: a sort of salty pancake. Sadly, it seems unlikely that the Surinamese are currently going nuts for stroopwafels. I guess imperialism is a one-way street.

Stamppot

There are a few different varieties of stamppot, but the gist of it is that you mash up a bed of potatoes and boiled vegetables, and then lay a nice fat smoked sausage across the top of it. One of the most popular versions is made with kale, which is funny because this weird, filling traditional dish is just about the least likely thing to ever be eaten by San Francisco yoga moms.

Drop
Dutch people fucking love liquorice; as a nation we eat more of it per person than any other country in the world. But be warned: Our liquorice is not like your liquorice. The little black sweets we eat, known as drop, have such a distinctive ammonia taste that unsuspecting tourists usually hack them back up as soon as they taste them. Only the deeply Dutch can manage one without pulling a face like they’ve just bitten into a dog turd.

Gouda Cheese

You really should taste Gouda from a cheese shop while you’re here in Amsterdam, but be aware that from then on you’ll never be able to buy it at home again. This is the cheese equivalent of drinking a pint of Guinness in Dublin or doing crystal meth in Fresno.

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LGBT AMSTERDAM

Amsterdam has a long history of being a great and tolerant city for gay, bisexual, and transgender people. Homosexuality was decriminalized in 1811, the first gay bar was opened in 1927, and in 1946 the COC—one of the world’s first gay-rights organizations—was founded here. The Netherlands prides itself on being the first country to legalize same-sex marriage, and the first legal gay and lesbian marriages in the world were officiated in 2001 by the mayor of Amsterdam. 

In recent years, though, a handful of incidents have stained the tolerant image Amsterdam has built. Unfortunately, it’s still not unheard of for gay couples kissing or holding hands in public to receive abuse. In another setback, a series of prominent gay bars and clubs have closed, all for different reasons and none for lack of business. However, some argue this is just a sign of greater integration. Practically all bars are gay-friendly, so nightlife needn’t be segregated.

That said, if you're looking for specific gay bars there are still plenty left. The main gay street is the Reguliersdwarsstraat. Search a bit further and you'll find bars and events like De Trut, Spellbound, Fucking Pop Queers, GOD, Dolly, Yarr, and Nyx. If you’re looking for a transgender bar you should go to De Lellebel at Rembrandtsquare.

If it's your style, there are also plenty of darkrooms. Like the Spijkerbar. Downstairs you can drink as if you were in any other folksy bar, but if you go upstairs you’ll find yourself in pitch darkness where you can do pretty much whatever wild shit you feel like doing. Alternatively, Thermos is the place to go if you want a dirty quickie in a jacuzzi, hot tub, or sauna on the way home from the club.

One other highlight is Canal Pride. Every year on the first Saturday of August, dozens of boats glide down the canals of Amsterdam. It’s more of a politically correct endorsement of tolerance than a wild party, but it’s still good fun. The Milkshake Festival (for all who love) is in late July and is another festival for "boys who love girls who love girls who love boys who love boys," which is just about as inclusive as you can get.

Amsterdam has an official gay and lesbian information kiosk, Pink Point. It’s next to the Homomonument (gay monument) at the Westermarkt. Pink Point provides information about the Homomonument, and general information about Amsterdam, specifically for gay tourists. 

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WHERE TO DRINK

The best places for a quiet drink before you head on for a night out are the bars clustered around Noordermarkt, the flea market in De Jordaan. There are only two real dangers: (a) vomiting teenage tourists who can't stomach three beers and (b) falling in the canal. My favorite bar is probably Paepeneiland, which is also where Bill Clinton came for a beer a few years ago. You should have seen the amount of Secret Service they were employing to keep him out of the red light district.

Further afield, we’d recommend checking out Joe’s Garage, Brouwerij de Prael, and Brouwerij ‘t IJ. Roest is good as well—it’s in the east of the city, away from the crowds, with a pool and a terrace covered in sand to create an ersatz beach bar, despite the industrial surroundings. You won’t find many other tourists here, which—if the International Holiday Code still applies—makes you cool, or something.

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WHERE TO STAY

If you’re watching your money, the Hans Brinker Budget Hotel (€25 [$35] per night in a dorm) isn’t a bad choice. It’s the rowdiest party hostel there is: Come for the price, stay for the location, and leave when you can’t stand the noise a second longer.

A quieter option is Stayokay Zeeburg (€30 [$40] per night in a dorm). It’s your average big clean hostel, but it’s really good value and it’s smack in the heart of a fancy-ish neighborhood in the east of the city, so you won’t get freaked out by sex tourists jerking off on the doorstep before breakfast. An alternative is the sleek boutique CitizenM (€85 [$116] per night for a room), which is pretty great for the price and has all the ultra-modern fixtures and fittings that interior designers jerk off over—it's not really in the heart of anything, which in a city with an international clique of drug zombies looming about, can be a blessing.

If you’ve come into a large inheritance, Hotel Américain (€150 [$205] per night for a room) is a gorgeous hotel in the Jugendstil style, with bags of old school class. And if you’re involved in some sort of Brewster’s Millions scheme to dispose of a vast amount of money, the most ridiculous option is the Faralda NDSM Crane Hotel (€435 [$595] per night for a suite), which is a good place to take someone if your fetish is getting laid in a box suspended in the air. Because that’s exactly what it is—a box suspended in the air. Obviously there's also a jacuzzi on top of the crane.

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WHERE TO HANG OUT WHEN YOU'RE SOBER

Look: You’re going to have to try pretty damn hard not to have an amazing time in Amsterdam. It’s one of the world’s great party cities, so for fuck’s sake don’t come all the way here and then spend your trip hanging around Rembrandt­square or Leidsesquare. Those places are just shitty honey traps for shitty tourists. The city has loads more to offer, and it’s small enough that you’ll probably stumble across the best bits just by getting out there and exploring.

Having said that, if you’re looking for some direction and some cool crowds to hang with, it’s worth looking into both Rush Hour Records and Red Light Records, where you’ll find flyers for all the best underground parties. If there’s nothing here that excites you, then chances are you’re just not cut out for "fun," you miserable loser. 

Rent a Canal Boat
Okay, so maybe we didn’t push the idea quite as far as those ridiculous Venetians, but Amsterdam is still a city that’s best experienced from our canals. Drinking, smoking, and eating while on a boat is basically our life, and there’s plenty of them to rent, so get yourself on the water as soon as you can. Chances are, back home, you live in between a bunch of highways, so this is the open sea to you—your Master and Commander moment. Avoid the shitty "canal bikes," though—there’s a reason the Armada didn’t run on peddle power.

Electric Ladylight Museum
Run by an eccentric New Yorker with a Father Christmas beard, this museum of fluorescent art is the only one of its kind in the world. It has sections called things like "The Magic Land of Lights, Sounds, and Dimensions" and "The Sister Mary Bernadeth Grotto," so yes, obviously it’s absolutely the best place to go when you’re tripping balls.
LINK

Savoy Bar
This is a super shabby café where everyone winds up after all the other bars and clubs have closed. In the early hours, prepare to encounter a fascinating hotchpotch of prostitutes, drug dealers, frat boys, cokeheads, students, tourists, and old sailors. There's a women there who sits outside the toilets called Wilma who’ll sell you five different sorts of candy and cigarettes straight from a garbage bag. Which sounds bleak, but when you think about it, is more wholesome than most deals you make in a bathroom.
LINK

Broek in Waterland/Durgerdam
The most scenic places to burn a joint in Amsterdam, far from the basement coffee shops, are towns to the north of the city, like Broek in Waterland and Durgerdam. They’re absolutely beautiful, and frankly, getting really high in a horrible basement is about the single biggest contributor to mental ill health in the Western world. Here, in the hills, it’s a different drug.

The Docks in the North
For some reason the north of the city gets neglected by most tourists, which is stupid as all the ferries there are free and it’s a great place to hang. The new EYE Film Museum has some cool exhibits and there’s a nice spot by the water where you can eat, drink, and take in the views of the low-rise city. It’s just across the river from Centraal Station, and you can’t miss it because it’s the only building round there that looks like a bad CGI spaceship from an early-90s computer game.

Hanneke’s Boom
This place is Amsterdam’s chameleon. Smack in the heart of the old harbor, by day people come here to study, but by night it becomes a romantic bar and the terrace becomes an outdoor party.
LINK

Special Collections at the Rijksmuseum
So, you’re done with all the Rembrandts and Vermeers? Good—the best shit is yet to come. Head down into the Rijksmuseum basement, where you’ll find piles of gold and jewellery and the realest treasure in history: 17th century magic lantern porn.
LINK

Coffeeshop Bluebird
Most coffee shops in Amsterdam will sell you weed or hash just to turn a profit, but not Bluebird. This place is run by experienced old stoners whose life’s work is getting you as high as God. Normally there’s nothing duller than listening to potheads bang on about why you have to try their new strain, but if you’re going to smoke weed it may as well be the good stuff.
LINK

Sarphatipark
Away from the sleaze and grime of downtown Amsterdam, this cute little neighborhood park that’s surrounded by bars is where locals actually hang out. No one there will be too hyped to see hundreds of VICE readers show up, so try not to act like a jerk.

Kattenkabinet

A museum entirely devoted to cats in art. It’s like imgur IRL.
LINK

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(Photo by Ewout Lowie)

HOW TO AVOID GETTING RIPPED OFF AND BEATEN UP

Taxi drivers in Amsterdam are notorious for overcharging tourists. At any obvious tourist location—like Centraal Station, Dam, Leidseplein, and Rembrandtplein—drivers will compete for your attention and then drive you in rings around the city while the meter ticks up.

The city has started using mystery customers to try to catch taxi hustlers, but the chances are you’ll encounter some type of bullshit if you take a cab. The best thing to do to avoid hustlers is to walk away from the tourist hangouts and try to catch one on the side of the street. Obviously you should never get into cabs that don’t have an official sign.

As lovely as Amsterdam is, it's also a place with a reputation that screams SEX and DRUGS, two fun things that dickheads have been managing to make money out of by abusing other people for centuries. And the red-light district is where they come together to swap tips on how to be a dick to women. Anyway, the vibe round there can be nasty and buying drugs on those streets, late at night when you're fucked up, is probably the best way to get yourself rolled by some bastard or other. 

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HOW NOT TO BE A SHITTY TOURIST

We like it when tourists on bikes take an interest in local culture, but why the fuck do you all clog up the city center? There’s a whole city to explore, but most of you end up getting fucked after a couple of blunts and then wobbling a bike down the uneven streets of the tiny 17th-century downtown area. Stoned tourists, busy streets, and canals are a recipe for the most repetitive slapstick performance of all time. Get out of downtown, spin your wheels, and see some more of the city.

Another terrible tourist trait is taking photographs in the red light district. The women who work there don’t appreciate it, and chances are they’ll let you know by hurling your camera in the canal.

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PEOPLE AND PLACES TO AVOID

Frat Boys in the Pijp
The Pijp is the stomping ground of Amsterdam’s frat boys—you’ll know it from the mingled stench of sweat and sexual desperation. They’re like all frat boys—violent, sexist, privileged, stupid, thuggish, unattractive shitheads. If you walk through a pile of them they’ll smell the decency on you and start lobbing bottles at your face.

Bike Taxis
Amsterdam’s taxi drivers are pretty bad, but the bike taxis are even worse. On the plus side you do get to spend the whole journey staring at their lycra-clad ass. On the minus, they’re slow, expensive, and they’d drag a baby through deserts of blood just to get a tourist fare.

De Wallen

This is Amsterdam’s largest and best-known red light district (or blue light, for the transvestites). We know the area gives the city part of its identity, but the truth is it’s home to a staggering number of abused and trafficked women from all over the world. It’s grim as hell and fucking prostitutes just isn’t cool.

Street Dealers
Amsterdam is one of the easiest countries in the world to buy drugs in, so don’t pick them up from guys in the street unless you’re really into handing over loads of cash for Pro Plus and rat poison.

Leidseplein

It might be great as a subway hub, but why is this terrible square still in all the tourist guides? It’s the place you end up when you don’t know where you’re going. If you do find yourself here, leave.

Kebab shops
Strangely, for a city with so many people wandering around fucked after dark, late-night food here is fucking abysmal, especially near the RLD. Kebab and shawarma are sometimes reheated by plunging them in boiling water. It’s overpriced and it will kill you slowly. We know you won’t listen to us when you’re drunk, but we’re telling you anyway: You’re better off going home hungry.

Amsterdam Dungeon

This place has hardly anything to do with the real history of Amsterdam. It’s a classic tourist trap. You’d learn more about Amsterdam if you stayed at home smoking a tea bag and googling pictures of canals.

Escape

Regularly named as a beacon of Amsterdam nightlife, but in essence just a really shitty club, it boasts the unholy trinity: shitty music, shitty drinks, and shitty people. Go next door to Studio 80.

Kalverstraat
Amsterdam’s main shopping street. The shops suck and it’s full of tourists who are just as lost as you are. How much interest do you really have in generic high streets in the Netherlands? Fucking none, that’s how much.

Het Damrak

This is the street right in front of Centraal Station, so for most tourists it’s their first sight of Amsterdam. The beautiful old buildings are hidden from view by fences and garish neon signs directing you to the endless shops selling T-shirts with slogans like: "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go to Amsterdam." You have no business here.

The Sex Museum
We’re all for taking a liberated and open-minded attitude to sex, but Amsterdam’s Sex Museum is not the place to go for a nuanced discussion of interpersonal gendered power relations as they relate to consensual BDSM. It’s the place where stoned teenagers go to point at boobs and dicks. Your Auntie Margaret doesn’t want to see a picture of you on Facebook posing with a seven-foot cock, and neither does anybody else.

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(Photo by Sabine Rovers)

TIPPING AND HANDY PHRASES

Tipping
Dutch waiters and bartenders are used to dealing with miserly people, so tips in restaurants and bars usually aren't that high. Ideally, waiters and bar staff would expect about 10 percent, but they tell us it's often more like five. For taxis, just round up the bill, and don't tip in nail salons or hairdressers.

Handy Phrases
Hello: Hallo
Goodbye: Tot ziens
Please: Alsjeblieft
Thank you: Dank u
Where do I get cocaine, motherfucker?: Hoe kom ik aan coke, kankerlijer?
You're hot: Je bent lekker
Beer?: Biertje?
Is sex with a fist acceptable in this dark room?: Is seks met een vuist aanvaardbaar in deze donkere kamer?

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A YOUTUBE PLAYLIST OF QUESTIONABLE LOCAL MUSIC

Here is some Dutch music. It's pretty good right? You'd be singing along if your clumsy foreign tongue could handle our language.

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VICE CITY MAP

That's all, I think. You'll thank me when you're not tweaking out, wandering lost through the red-light district on 'shrooms.

Love,

VICE Netherlands

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each couple can only be left inside the seal bag for 10 seconds, as air trapped within is extremely limited.

The post photographer hal vacuum seals couples for condomania ads appeared first on designboom | architecture & design magazine.