Crooooow

Hey, fundamentalist Christian Wonkers, how are you doing? Do you exist? If so, TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY. Instead of writing liberal godlessness at you, we have a nice story about what to do when your Christian wife is being a REAL PILL about letting you jam your superior Christian man dick up inside her,

The post How To Sex Your Boner-Killer Hag Of A Wife: A Christian Wonksplainer appeared first on Wonkette.

I am fun.

I enjoy fun. I both have fun and can be fun. Fun is a word that accurately describes me and a large quantity of things of which I am fond. I appreciate fun when I encounter it, and I have even been known to partake in activities that produce fun for myself and others. Fun is something I often have when amongst a group of people. In such situations, I am capable of amusing others and, in turn, of being amused by them.

Thus, I am a fun person.

Perhaps it would be helpful for me to provide an example of a fun thing I do. I take part in levity. I enjoy jokes, which are fun. When the occasion presents itself, I have been known to make jokes of my own, thereby creating fun for those around me. This is because, like many other people I ...

The Joy of Painting, hosted by Bob Ross, ran for 11 years on public television for a total of more than 400 episodes. The very first episode ever broadcast was just uploaded to Ross' YouTube channel.

Ahhhh! Dan Barry of The NY Times went all olde tymey in his recap of game four of the NLCS between the Cubs and Mets, sorry, Metropolitans.

The Metropolitans -- also known as the "Mets" -- sent six safely across the plate before the third inning, mostly as a result of the derring-do of their Bunyanesque first-sacker, Lucas Duda. The mighty Californian smote a home run and a double to tally five of those six runs before the Cubs seemed to comprehend that a game concerning their possible erasure from the 2015 field was well underway.

The ignominious rout of the valiant but overmatched hometown squad turned the deafening cheers of the Chicago multitudes into plaintive keens, for now their agonizing wait for another championship -- the last in 1908, during the presidency of the rough-riding Theodore Roosevelt -- must continue.

I say! Capital stuff, old chap.

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at ‘Back To The Future’ in this week’s Film Standard.

hodgman:

Someone named “Danna” uploaded all of Season 1 of “Going Deep with David Rees” to YouTube.

This is probably illegal.

She also uploaded every episode of the show “Go On.” And some show called “Going Ape.”

She loves shows that start with GO.

I’m going to let all this weirdness and scofflawism slide and send you to these videos to remind you of two things. 

1) GOING DEEP Season 1 was one of the greatest, funniest, most interesting and instructive, and sweetest TV shows of all timelines in every dimension.

2) GOING DEEP SEASON 2 PREMIERES ON THE ESQUIRE NETWORK ON NOVEMBER 11. 

Brand new network, brand new things to learn, including HOW TO TAKE A NAP, in which I actually take a nap on camera. 

Please humans, remember the good times, or enjoy them for the first time, and then TUNE IN to Esquire on November 11. 

Also retumbl this. PLEASE. 

That is all. 

If you have not watched Going Deep, you are missing out on a really odd wonderful experience.  Get into it.

CHICAGO—Claiming that he alone represents the key to the team finally winning a championship, infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman announced Thursday that he must be killed in order to break the organization’s World Series curse. “I am writing today to inform you all that, in order to end this 106-year-long title drought, you must find me, and you must kill me,” read the statement released by Bartman’s lawyer, which went on to say that as long as he lives and breathes, “so too does the Cubs’ curse go on.” “I must be killed by a dagger, clutched in the hand of a true Cubs fan, plunged directly into my heart, and only then can the Cubs win a World Series title. Be warned: Should I be killed by any other means, the curse will last for another 100 years. I will be here waiting for you ...

I say yes

Game 5 of the Rangers-Blue Jays ALDS was thrown into chaos by a controversial play in the seventh inning.

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Cubs rookie Kyle Schwarber is now best known as the guy who mashed a tater onto the top of the Wrigley Field video board , but socking prodigious dingers isn’t his only skill. Back when Schwarber was a student at Middletown High in Ohio, he was a key member of the school’s award-winning show choir.

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The Nashville skyline has a building what looks like Batman, what does YOUR dumb city have?

Nashville is a fast-growing city that looks like it was originally designed by a toddler on meth who just REALLY loves circles. The traffic there? ES BAD! But at least downtown is in the middle. Memphis, on the other hand, starts at the Mississippi River, moving east (and north and south), and developers have historically treated the surrounding land like it’s AT LEAST twice as big as Siberia, and probably bigger. In short, the two largest cities in Tennessee need more mass transit options, and BAD.

Read more on Koch Brothers Protect White Nashville Ladies From Scary Blacks Riding Buses…

The post Koch Brothers Protect White Nashville Ladies From Scary Blacks Riding Buses appeared first on Wonkette.

NEW YORK—Leaving the package directly on the center of the bed for the senator to discover upon his arrival, billionaire industrialist David Koch delivered a suit with a note reading “Wear this tonight” to Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s room at the Waldorf Astoria hotel Wednesday, sources confirmed. “Cannot wait to see you in this,” read the message handwritten on textured card stock and sealed in an envelope stamped with a red wax “K,” which sources confirmed was affixed to a Valentino box containing a black three-piece single-breasted suit that, upon slipping it on, Rubio discovered was tailored to his exact measurements. “You’ll find me in the ballroom at 7:30.” Sources later confirmed that, after examining his reflection in a full-length mirror, Rubio wiped away a single tear, took a deep breath, and walked out his hotel room’s door.

CHICAGO—Noting that the charitable gesture has done wonders for his general mood and energy levels, officials from the NBA Cares program confirmed that several members of the Chicago Bulls made a surprise visit to a local hospital Wednesday to spend time with Derrick Rose. “The look on Derrick’s face when Joakim Noah and Jimmy Butler walked into his hospital room and gave him a couple of high-fives—you could just tell it meant the world to him,” said program spokesperson Liz Ventura, explaining that numerous players have taken trips to the hospital to sign autographs and take pictures with Rose, often staying with him for over an hour. “The poor guy has been stuck in that bed for such a long time, so having the Bulls come by and play some NBA 2K16 with him is absolutely the highlight of his week. Pau Gasol has actually visited a ...

i have commented on comments before

there’s no such thing as just reading anymore — passively absorbing information being presented to you — without an invitation to voice your opinion. i can’t even be alone in goddamned books anymore. a dotted underline appears: “153 people highlighted this,” the kindle tells me. why on earth would that matter to me. get out of my book

comment sections have value as avenues for discussion as long as discussion actually can occur there. youtube still has comments, but they could be replaced site-wide with a picture of a small horse, and be of greater service to its users. sometimes you need to know what a horse looks like. how many legs, etc.

the bleated message of the internet is: everything that pops into your head is important. your most fleeting thought matters every bit as much as what you just read. your hottest possible take needs to be made visible this instant.

i want conversation, exchange, analysis, thought, dissection. i want discourse. but we live in a post-discourse society. “i read this article” is a modern colloquialism which means “i saw most of the words in this headline.”

we need to be exposed to opposing views. it rounds us as people. it tests our arguments, and allows us to rethink or discard bad ones. but in such a landscape, purposefully-truncated methods of communication — the tweet, the status update, the collapsible comment — become 140-character lathes to sharpen existing beliefs to little points, to jab at someone else with, who then prepare their own pointy stick in rebuttal

at some sad point on the curve, comments are just a way to drive up pageviews

but what do you believe? sound off below!

LOS ANGELES—Despite retiring from the sport 14 years ago, 52-year-old former All-Star hitter Mark McGwire confidently told reporters Friday that he could still disgrace baseball at the highest level today. “I might not be what I once was, but I could definitely get out there on the field and completely tarnish the reputation of the sport just like I used to,” said McGwire, adding that while he enjoys working as a hitting coach for the Dodgers, he is often nostalgic for the days when he would wake up every morning, lie to teammates and fans, and let down everyone connected to baseball. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered coming back for another season to destroy the legacy of an entire generation of players. Look, I’m confident in my abilities, and there’s no doubt in my mind that I could go out there ...

It’s no longer the baseball preseason. Time to get your ass fired up for the regular fall season of America’s Pastime. Read all our playoff team previews here. Today, you’re getting to know … THE CHICAGO CUBS.

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Ichiro Suzuki is an ageless wonder who quite possibly has limitless baseball powers he only chooses to dole out sparingly for the art of it. One of those powers is pitching, which he did against the Phillies today. His official line? One inning pitched, one earned run, and two hits. Here’s some evidence.

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