Well, every once in a while, something will completely get past you. You could just be minding your own business, and then all of a sudden, here’s John Cena as a talking bull in a new adaptation of Ferdinand. This is just one of the movies Cena will be appearing in this year, in addition to The Wall and maybe Daddy’s Home 2? And probably like 16 cameos in Apatow-related projects.
Please enjoy this delightful trailer of John Cena as a lovable bull who would rather smell flowers than fight. Isn’t that all of us, really?
Ferdinand is made by Blue Sky Animation, the studio behind the Ice Age and Rio franchises, the surprisingly great Peanuts Movie, and Epic, which we don’t talk about. It’s the latest adaptation of 1936 children’s book The Story of Ferdinand, which was made into an Academy Award-winning Disney short. You know what? You’ve been good. Enjoy!
This new version of Ferdinand stars Cena, along with the voices of Kate McKinnon, Gina Rodriguez, Hamilton‘s Daveed Diggs, Gabriel Iglesias, Bobby Cannavale, David Tennant(!) and Flula Borg, which is what happens when Locutus gets a cold.
The movie comes out on December 15, which is the same day that Star Wars Episode VIII opens. So uh … best of luck to all involved with Ferdinand. (It will still make hundreds of millions of dollars.)
Extremely important breaking home renovation news: Trading Spaces, the show that for better or for worse unleashed home renovation as a television genre, is coming back.
In 1969, Michael Humphrey did a 14-month stretch at the Ohio State Reformatory in Mansfield, Ohio, on a grand larceny conviction stemming from an auto theft case. He was 18. Determined not to return, Humphrey says he never got in trouble with the law again, taking care not to so much as spit on the sidewalk after his release. Life was pretty good, or at least became tolerable when Humphrey finally overcame the nightmares about prison that had plagued him for years.
"I could still smell that place, I could still hear it," he says now. "I'd have to get out of bed at night and turn the light on just to prove to myself I wasn't still there."
But on a spring day in 2000, Humphrey was driving along Route 30 and saw a sign advertising tours of the reformatory, known colloquially as Mansfield. The place had been shut down by court order a decade earlier, just over a century after it opened, due to inhumane conditions.
Despite his reluctance to reenter that world, curiosity got the best of Humphrey. So he drove up to the striking gothic façade that led early prisoners there to dub it "Dracula's Castle," paid the admission, and went inside again.
By this time, Mansfield had found new life as a burgeoning tourist attraction thanks to the fact that the revered 1994 movie The Shawshank Redemption was filmed there (scenes from other, lesser films like Air Force One and Tango & Cash were shot there as well—the latter while Mansfield was still an operational prison). Humphrey walked around the sprawling facility, taking in the surreal decay and once more coming face to face with his temporary residence on the East Cell Block—six tiers high, it's still the world's largest free-standing steel cellblock.
Photo by Michael Goldberg
"When I was there [as an inmate], we never got to wander around the place, so it was kind of an adventure," Humphrey chuckles drily, admitting he began second-guessing his visit once the unpleasant memories started flooding his mind. A few weeks later, he contacted the Mansfield Reformatory Preservation Society and explained his history with the place, and by the fall, Humphrey was serving as a tour guide. Because of his background in construction, he helped rehab and preserve the crumbling structure, too.
Now 66 years old—nearly a half-century after his release—Humphrey has come full circe, outing himself with his popular "Life of an Inmate" tour that gives Shawshank aficionados and other visitors an unflinching look at Mansfield incarceration from someone who lived it.
"When I first started doing tours [in 2000], I didn't tell anybody that I was a former inmate," he explains. "I was so ashamed of actually being a convicted felon." Humphrey says he almost quit early on, stung by the fact that he "would hear people make jokes and dumb remarks [about inmates], you know, 'They shoulda done this to him, and they shoulda done that to him.'"
Now he tells people anything they want to know while providing a detailed history of the prison and how it evolved from a rehabilitation-minded intermediate penitentiary for young, largely non-violent offenders to an overcrowded and intensely violent maximum-security hellhole.
The sea change can be traced to a 1930 fire at the higher security Ohio Penitentiary in Columbus, approximately 70 miles south of Mansfield, that killed more than 300 inmates. The damage forced the state to transfer hundreds of "the worst of the worst"—murderers, rapists, and others—to Mansfield.
The first thing Humphrey noticed after being committed to the facility in 1969 was the overwhelming, horrible stench of more than 2,000 men who wereallowed to shower just once per week. The violence revealed itself soon after: Fights happened like clockwork, stabbings were a regular fact of life, inmates hanged themselves. The most terrible things you can imagine happening behind bars happened at Mansfield,according to Humphrey, who fashioned his own weapon early on in his stay. "I had a toothbrush with a razor blade melted into the handle of it that I carried around my neck on a string, but in the nape of my neck so no one could really see it." Thankfully, he says, he never had to use it.
Photo by Michael Goldberg
Humphrey's cellmate was a man named Ron Crabtree—six years Humphrey's senior and in on an armed robbery conviction. The two wound up being lifelong friends (Crabtree died in 2012) andwas essentially "Red" to Humphrey's "Andy Dufresne," showing him the ropes and teaching him the number one rule of Mansfield (or any prison): "Do not accept any gifts from anybody." "
"Nothing in here is free," Humphrey recalls being told, "and I heeded that warning very well."
Humphrey mainly kept to himself during his 14 months and says he got along well with the guards. Not because he was helping them with their taxes, but because his mother would bring huge trays of lasagna and chili to him during her bi-monthly visits, and the guards would end up taking the massive leftovers downstairs for a hell of a feast. "It went from 'Ma'am' to 'Mrs. Humphrey' to 'June,'" Humphrey laughs. "And they treated me pretty well."
Another fairly important parallel between Humphrey and Shawshank: Just like Andy Dufresne, Humphrey says he was innocent. He didn't steal that car.
"Don't get me wrong, I was no angel, but I wasn't a criminal," he says. "I took the blame for something some other guys were doing. The day the police came to the house, I was the only one there, and they took me. The judge insisted that I tell him who all was involved, and I wouldn't do it, and that's when they sent me to Mansfield."
Nearly 50 years later, he has little regret about that decision. "I could have gone to work at Republic Steel with my father and died of black lung like he did," Humphrey says. "If this was the plan for me, so be it."
At the time, Humphrey figured, he'd just pay the price, figuring once he was paroled, things would be fine. They weren't. Beyond being stripped of rights like voting or gun ownership, Humphrey, like many other former inmates, carried with him an unyielding sense of stigma and shame about being a convicted felon. But thanks to the support and encouragement of his colleagues at theMansfield Reformatory Preservation Society, he filled out the necessary paperwork, and in May 2004, then Ohio governor Bob Taft pardoned him.
"It's still emotional for me," Humphrey says. "I can't begin to tell you what it did to me, but it absolutely changed me for the better. It took that weight off my shoulders. I'm happy now. I can talk to anybody and not feel like a second-class citizen."
There aren't any more nightmares, but there are areas inside Mansfield that still bring back terrible memories. Yet even in his darkest of times during his incarceration, Humphrey never considered "crawling through a river of shit" or any other means to escape. "I just never wanted to be looking over my shoulder," Humphrey says. "I'll say this, though—I wanted out pretty bad, and in '69 and '70, when I looked at those guards carrying those keys, I sure wished I had them."
He laughs. "And now I do. I have the keys to the place."
If you need some really great home decor on the cheap, Society6 is your best friend. The already-affordable art and decor site is giving an extra 20% off everything they sell, plus free shipping, until midnight (PT) tonight.
holy shit, this is my entrance/exit to the freeway
A devastating crash on the Kennedy Expressway Sunday morning led to the front half of a semi truck falling off an expressway overpass as the rear of the truck dangled behind it, and the driver was seriously injured. [ more › ]
Here we have video of a very good dog playing fetch on the Washington Capitals’ ice rink, and it’s more entertaining than any hockey game I’ve ever seen:
I have leftover buttermilk from making Irish soda bread. I should make some fried chicken.
Generally speaking, there are three common reasons to make something at home that you could otherwise easily have made for you by someone else: because it is cheaper; because it is more convenient; and because you can turn the thing you’re making into the gravy-soaked, caramel-coated, cheese-laden monstrosity you’ve…
Yesterday was a no-good, very bad day for House Speaker Paul Ryan, as he was very publicly forced to walk back plans to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, and then pretty much every liberal on the planet pointed and laughed at him for somehow screwing it up. Among the many, many jokes lobbed at Ryan’s expense over the last 24 hours, one of the most prominent was a fake (actual fake, not just Donald-Trump-calling-it-fake) New York Times article crafted by Shit My Dad Says creator Justin Halpern, which suggested that Ryan comforted himself in his failure by listening to the misery anthem of an entire generation: Papa Roach’s “Last Resort.”
ORLANDO, FL—Confirming years of rumored sightings by visitors to the theme park, officials from Walt Disney World said Tuesday that several hundred blind and bedraggled Disney characters are living in caves deep within Space Mountain.
The misshapen mascots, who after decades spent in total darkness have sickly gray skin and cloudy, sightless eyes, were reportedly found huddled together in a network of caverns extending far beneath the popular Tomorrowland attraction.
“Our maintenance crew recently spotted an unusual tunnel inside Space Mountain and, after shining a light inside, saw several pale forms skitter away into the darkness,” said Walt Disney World president George Kalogridis, noting that the light caused the mascots to hiss, raise their gloved hands in terror, and flee before anyone could get a good look at them. “Then our workers rounded a corner to find dozens of creatures clinging to the walls of the cavern, including one with scattered patches of fur they identified as Goofy, and another with skin grown over its eyes whom they believe was Minnie Mouse.”
“We wish to stress that, while they appear grotesque, they also seem to be harmless,” he continued. “They are incredibly sensitive to sound and scramble deeper into their caves anytime one of the roller-coaster cars speed past.”
A team of park engineers who explored the ride’s network of hand-clawed tunnels told reporters they had heard, far away in the darkness, a gasping quack that likely belonged to Donald Duck. They also reported hearing a louder bleating sound that was revealed to have been caused by an emaciated Dumbo whose rib cage was clearly visible beneath his hide and who groped around the darkness with his trunk in search of edible mold.
Investigating the source of what they described as “a chorus of horrifying yowls,” several team members reportedly encountered a roving troop of princesses that included Elsa, Cinderella, and Jasmine, all of whom had apparently lived so long in the pitch-black, cramped tunnels that they now clambered about comfortably in their dresses and ball gowns as quadrupeds.
“When we were going up that first incline, we saw a few pairs of empty white eyes glowing in the distance, but I just assumed that was part of the ride,” said 37-year-old Brendan Weeks of South Bend, Indiana, one of many Space Mountain riders who have caught a glimpse of the subterranean Disney characters. “Then when we were about to take the big drop, I saw these weird animal things that kind of looked like the Country Bear Jamboree. The one with the banjo was gnawing on some sort of animal carcass. I think it might’ve been another bear.”Hours into its search of the outer-space-themed ride, the team repelled into a massive foul-smelling cavern strewn with mascot droppings, observing there a rail-thin and jaundiced Chip and Dale lapping runoff from the attraction’s plumbing. One employee recalled being startled as he bumped his head in the dark and shone his flashlight upward to find the Seven Dwarfs hanging from the tunnel ceiling, where they pawed at their tick-ridden beards and waited for a humpbacked Snow White to regurgitate into their open mouths.
“But other than that, it was a really fun ride,” he added.
Sources at Disney speculate that many of the costumed characters have been underground since Space Mountain’s 1975 opening, noting that they have had enough time to develop an acute sense of hearing to compensate for their inability to see. It is believed they can detect when an object falls from the roller coaster, because they quickly scurry out to retrieve any such item and later add it to their nest of hoarded sunglasses, keys, lip balm, and assorted gift shop purchases.
Similarly, an eyeless, translucent-skinned Jiminy Cricket reportedly stumbles his way through the labyrinth of dirt tunnels by humming broken strains of “When You Wish Upon A Star” and listening to the echoes of his faltering voice.
“We’re really not sure what to do with any of these old mascots,” Kalogridis said. “There’s obviously no place in the Magic Kingdom for a Tinkerbell that emits hideous clicking noises to signal other mascots when they’re in danger.”
“For all we know, there could be thousands more down there we aren’t even aware of,” he added. “Not to mention what we’ll find when we drain Pirates of the Caribbean.”
At press time, Disney officials confirmed they had cemented shut every entrance to Space Mountain after night-vision cameras in the caves spotted former CEO Michael Eisner skulking in the darkness.
Let’s say you’re one of former Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan’s friends, and you notice she’s about to make her big debut on, oh, let’s say Dancing With the Stars. You want her to do well, of course. She’s your friend! So what do you do? You wish her luck, which—depending on how well you know her—could manifest…
At the beginning of this final season of Samurai Jack, everything seems like it‘s at its lowest point. This is a formal element of the show: the opening shots are characteristic low angles, framing a wide open plain that’s a part of the series’ dystopian future. There’s the low rumble of approaching robots, on their way to summarily execute a terrified mother and daughter. (Who also communicate with little projections that show up between their antennae, ensuring a minimal need for dialogue.) And then there’s Samurai Jack himself, who’s in his lowest mental place in decades.
When Samurai Jack went off the air in 2004, it didn’t really need to come back—at least, not for plot reasons. The episode “Jack And The Traveling Creatures” featured a glimpse of an aged, battle-worn Jack using a well-protected time portal to finally return to the past ...
President Donald Trump, who entered office vowing to prioritize American workers and issues, has told his advisers to plan a lighter schedule of foreign travel than his recent predecessors, according to people familiar with the conversations.
WASHINGTON (AP) — Women seeking abortions and some basic health services, including prenatal care, contraception and cancer screenings, would face restrictions and struggle to pay for some of that medical care under the House Republicans' proposed bill.
YES. You can clearly feel your speed when you're in certain gears. Driving around the city I'm mostly in 3rd or 4th, highway I'm finally going to click into 5th. Unless I'm sitting in traffic, then its just first/neutral, first/neutral, first/neutral, firstOMG SECOND!, shit, brake, neutral
I should be honest and mention that our editor-in-chief, Patrick George, doesn’t think this is A Thing. Raph and David, my co-writers and fellow shitbox-owners, do. So now I’m curious as to how widespread this practice is. Manual transmission drivers: do you ever shift in such a way as to help keep you from speeding?
CHICAGO—Saying it was crucial to find ways to keep fit even within the confines of her office, local woman Diana Shearer devised her latest delusional scheme Wednesday for burning extra calories during the workday. “I’ll start using a smaller water glass—that way I’ll get more walking in because I’ll have to refill it more frequently,” said Shearer, whose fanciful notions of physical activity have also included taking the stairs instead of the elevator, visiting her colleagues in person instead of emailing them, wearing small ankle weights, and replacing her desk chair with an exercise ball. “Let’s say I burn four calories each round trip to the kitchen watercooler. If I make eight trips, that’s 32 extra calories a day, or 160 calories each and every workweek—and that doesn’t even count the five minutes of chair yoga I do after lunch.” In a stroke of mad genius, Shearer reportedly later realized that she could boost the number of calories burned if she walked 20 feet farther to fill her water glass at the cooler in the copy room.
Cementing her role as a powerful White House influence, Ivanka Trump is working out of a West Wing office and will get access to classified information, though she is not technically serving as a government employee, according to an attorney for the first daughter.
Tim Allen, a rather irrelevant actor, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live this week, where he bemoaned the tribulations suffered by conservatives in Hollywood. “You gotta be real careful around here,” he told Kimmel. “You get beat up if you don’t believe what everybody else believes. This is like ‘30s Germany.”
I watched it, and while there were some funny laughs, it was....not great. The first half starts off with her drinking red wine out of a bottle and she just seems drunk, and has a hard time finishing her jokes. But she gets there eventually. Then she abruptly shifts and starts talking about the two women who were killed at her movie by a crazed gunman, and she goes into this whole gun control bit and its actually pretty good, but then as abruptly as she started with this pretty intense stuff, she goes right into telling a story about how she is in love with Bradley Cooper.
Trolls may be "flocking" but maybe its also not great.
You know how when you’re scrolling through Facebook, and you happen upon one of those top-down videos that shows a pair of hands creating some sort of delicious food or craft, and then you get stuck watching it for three or four minutes, not because you are especially interested in how to make pineapple upside down…
JFK airport is opening a new center to serve animals passing through its doors and it sounds nicer than the airport’s human facilities. And it sounds much sounds nicer than anything offered at JFK’s slovenly cross-town sister, LaGuardia.
SARASOTA, FL—Saying that the plump liquid center had been broken and was trickling warm yellow goo on all sides, a report released Thursday found that, oh, fuck yeah, an egg yolk was dripping all over a sandwich. “Oh baby, just look at that,” the report read in part, adding that, hell yes, every ingredient in the sandwich was now soaked in the stuff. “Man oh man, it’s flowing onto the plate now. So goddamn tasty.” The report went on to say—sweet Jesus fucking yes—that a piece of crispy bacon had fallen out of the sandwich and could be dipped into the yolk.
A devastating crash on the Kennedy Expressway Sunday morning led to the front half of a semi truck falling off an expressway overpass as the rear of the truck dangled behind it, and the driver was seriously injured. [ 
