IKEA Monkey

You know that jokey little joke bit of strategery some of us around here like to throw out whenever Obamz&Co come up with any kind of offering of opinion, or God forbid actual policy, and then are arbitrarily screamed at for being commie-fascist-welfare-taxer-Muslim-brothers-from-the-hood, no matter what the opinion was? We jokesters often like to posit that in response the prez should maybe come out in support of Republican ideas, like having another war (so close) or aborting things, or cuttin’ all these rich people’s taxes more than the less than zero they kinda pay now, or maybe just go ahead and kill Obamacare his ownself? And then maybe these haters of all things Oblackma would act like they have always been for taxing billionaires to pay for our abortion wars and we could get something done as a nation already?

Oh we have made ourselves laugh. But we are now thinking that mayhaps we were really and truly on to something? Because all Michelle Obama had to do was go out and tell some kid-folks that they should drink more water, and BAM! Water is now junk science (just like global warming) and no you should not drink it especially if she says so.

The first lady promoted her new “Drink Up” campaign earlier this week at the aptly-named Watertown High School in Wisconsin, and ever since it has been drawing far more criticism than she or anyone else in the Obama Administration could have predicted. She told students, “Drink just one more glass of water a day, and you can make a real difference in your health, for your energy and the way that you feel.” She cited “scientific evidence” that says our bodies perform better when they are “hydrated” than when they are even “just a little bit dehydrated.” And perhaps most importantly, Obama said, The truth is, we all have a choice about what we drink and when we choose water, we’re choosing to be at our very best.

First, we endorse the name “Drink Up.” And secondly, as we surely did do some drinking up our ownselves in Boston this weekend, we also know that dehydration is a bitch and will make you stupid and feel like shit. So, yes kids, drink water, even though YOU HAVE A CHOICE! But with water you will feel better. NO? No.

Some conservatives have been quick to jump on Michelle Obama for her “scientific” claims, pointing to a POLITICO story that quotes experts who claim there are discernible benefits from drinking one extra glass of water a day. Rush Limbaugh called it “just more command-and-control” from the Obama White House. The Washington Times went after the “the nation’s most prominent anti-obesity crusader” for misleading the public. And the Washington Free Beacon blasted the headline, “Michelle Obama’s Drink More Water Campaign Based on Faulty Science.

Hey guys, how come no mention of all the fluoride-in-the-water = mind control? We thought you loved that one! Also, we do not believe that Politico was the first thing in the world to ever say that drinking water was a good idea? And shut up Rush Limbaugh, you picture of health and wellness, about everything always. What do you take your oxy with? Scotch? Yeah probably scotch. We also enjoy how calling Michelle Obama the “nation’s most prominent-anti-obesity crusader” (just stone cold slapping food outta everyone’s mouth and making them do squats y’all!) makes her the exact evil bitch who would try and make kids think drinking water is a good idea.

It is sort of neato to imagine the pavlovian effect of such words on the eyeballs of our reactionary brethren to all things Obamz. Especially when they get these trigger word feelings all mashed up into “the government will not mind-control us to drink water – real Americans should only drink big gulps with Sarah Palin! Unless you are poor! And on SNAP! And then the government should tell you bitches no.” Cognitive dissonance is not so hard we guess?

Or maybe if these people are willing to go as far as refusing to “stay hydrated” because Michelle Obama said it is good for you, the administration should just run with this. Let’s start encouraging people to remember to keep breathing, because breathing is good for you! Maybe some folks will try not doing that for a while and see how we like it?

[mediaite.com]

Cry-Baby #1: Frances Hena

(via Gawker)

The incident: An 11-year-old girl twerked at her school dance. 

The appropriate response: Learning to deal with it, like previous generations of parents had to learn to deal with the waltz, hip shaking, grinding etc., etc.

The actual response: The girl's mother made her stand at the side of the road holding a sign to publicly shame her.

Last week, Frances Hena from Bakersfield, California told her 11-year-old daughter Jamie that she was not allowed to twerk at a school dance she was attending at Washington Junior High. 

She didn't want Jamie doing the dance as she feels it's inappropriate. "She is just a child and she can't do that. She just can't," she told ABC News. 

Undeterred, Jamie went to the dance and proceeded to move her "bottom in a very sexual and inappropriate way" (as the news anchor in the above report described twerking).

Frances found out about the illicit dance moves after a friend of hers got in touch and snitched on Jamie.  

As punishment, she forced Jamie to stand for two hours at a busy intersection, holding a sign that read, "I was disrespecting my parents by twerking at my school dance."

She also confiscated Jamie's iPod, because she believes Jamie used the device to access the internet to learn twerking moves. 

It's not just Jamie who Frances is mad at, she also thinks the school is at fault for allowing twerking at an official event. "I haven’t heard anything from the school still, and it’s just ridiculous to think that’s OK at a school dance," she said.

(via Angry People in Local News/screencap via Burton Mail)

The incident: A boy went into a store to buy Band-Aids for his friend who had fallen over. 

The appropriate response: Nothing. 

The actual response: The boy's mother contacted her local newspaper to complain that her son had been forced to pay for the Band-Aids. 

Some time last week, 12-year-old Charlie Rowlinson was out playing with his 13-year-old friend Ed in Stapenhill, England. At some point, Ed fell and gashed his knee. 

Charlie and Ed went to a local shop called Wendy's News to buy Band-Aids and a bottle of water to rinse the wound. As is standard practice at shops, they were charged a monetary amount ($1.50) in exchange for the goods. 

Outraged that her son had been made to take part in a system that has existed for the last 100,000 years or so, Charlie's mother, Michelle, contacted her local paper, The Burton Mail, to complain about what had happened. 

“In my opinion it’s disgraceful that they charged him to clean himself up when he went in hurt," she said. Adding, “If he had come to my house, I wouldn’t have charged him for water."

Somebody from the Burton Mail contacted the shop, and, for some reason, owner Karen Taylor felt she had to defend herself: “My mom was working at the time. She said the two boys came into the shop and asked if we had any plasters. 

She took them into the corner and showed them the plasters, so assumed they wanted to pay for them as they had already got the money out."

They didn’t ask for help. They came back in and asked for tissues, and she told him to help himself to some kitchen roll on the side. He then came back in and bought a bottle of water.”

If you're an 18-year-old adult woman on the fence about whether or not your parents "should" "let" you go to college, fret no more! The internet provides, as always, in the form of this staggeringly terrible listicle from FixTheFamily.com (which, as far as I can tell, is a machine where you put in Catholicism and the ramblings of a sexually dysfunctional medieval barber-surgeon come out). Their advice? KEEP THE WOMAN-PROPERTY AWAY FROM THE DANGEROUS THINK-BOOKS.

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We’re not sure why this is so much fun to watch… Perhaps it’s the insightful and detailed review of a video game, or the host’s dedication to their craft. No… It’s the hot peppers.

Hot Pepper Gaming is a video series in which a video game is dissected and reviewed, but not before the host chews and ingests an excruciatingly hot pepper. Check out a few reviews, perhaps pick up the game that the host suffers for, and get these people some milk for cripe’s sake!

Please watch our host, Erin, review Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance while a habanero burns away at her innards. Please enjoy.

[link, via BoingBoing]

Lifehacker reader Giordanobd's workspace is tucked in a little alcove, but the arrangement puts everything within easy reach. And look at all that natural light.

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LeVar Burton
Actor / Director / Educator
Roots (1977), Reading Rainbow (1983-2006), Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994)

In a world of ever-increasing cynicism, LeVar Burton continues to influence a better tomorrow. Born during the height of the civil rights movement, he pretty much seemed destined to make a positive difference from the time he was a teenager. At 19 years old, LeVar made a powerful television debut in the mini-series adaptation of Alex Haley’s Roots: The Saga of an American Family, which helped cultivate a new understanding of the condition of the American slave.

In addition to his career as an actor, LeVar has dedicated the last 30 years of his life to fostering a love of reading in children as the host of Reading Rainbow. “Being the son of a school teacher,” he says, “I was raised with the notion you are what you read as much as what you eat.”

I recently sat with LeVar in his office—surrounded by healing crystals, sage, and his shiny gold Emmy—to discuss his career, Google Glass versus Geordi LaForge's "Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement," and if he ever feels like being an asshole.

VICE: You made your television debut in 1977 in the role of Kunta Kinte, a young man unwillingly brought to America, who—despite serving many years as a slave—never lost the connection to his African heritage. How did you prepare for such a weighted role?
LeVar Burton: I was a college student at the time, studying theater at the University of Southern California. In terms of my readiness as an actor, I was already living the actor’s life, busy dedicating myself to studying this craft. When I read Kunta for the first time, I knew who this kid was. I knew the innocence and the rage. I have no other way of explaining it: I felt like I’d been preparing to play Kunta my whole life.

Roots was a huge success. Today it remains the third highest-rated mini-series of all time. How did this affect you personally?
It was overwhelming to be a part of a piece of entertainment that holds that much power. Roots was weird for me specifically, because it was personal as well as public.  With its success, my whole world shifted—I went from being a theater student to the cover of TV Guide. The reason it continues to have tremendous impact on the nation is that it speaks to the hearts of people who value the concept of freedom. Kunta represents the indomitability of the human spirit, and the idea that we are all born free no matter what the circumstance. So yeah, those aren’t the kind of shoes you fit into perfectly at 19 years old. You grow into them. It’s taken me my entire career to tap into the riches of that experience.

Why did it take a television mini-series to help create a better understanding of slavery in America?
It’s the power of moving pictures when they are combined with sound! Human beings are predisposed to gather the full spectrum of information in a shared experience. It gets our attention, and the information easily penetrates the deepest levels of our consciousness. The experience of watching Roots on television helped people develop empathy towards the condition of the slave. It was an awareness our country needed for genuine healing to take place. 

Is it true that your Roots audition was your first professional casting call?
Yes. My first day as a professional actor, Cicely Tyson played my mother and Maya Angelou played my grandmother. These women were my mentors. It doesn’t get any better that that!

How did you resist fear of intimidation?
One of the great things about our profession is the tradition of journeymen embracing the newbies. And they expect you to bring the goods. Otherwise you don’t belong in the room. I did my best to step up. The only other choice was to step off, and I don't believe in stepping off.

You spent your childhood training to become a priest. Why choose Hollywood over the clergy?
I had this idea of my life from a very early age that I would live the life of a priest. It was no small decision for me to alter that course. Maturity is a series of shattered illusions. I was 16 years old when I realized that priests didn’t really have it all figured out. I was under the influence of some sort of magical thinking, that once you got ordained you were somehow imbued with holiness. You know, stuff that prevented you from fucking up. So I thought I might as well just go out and make my own mistakes and see the world.

What kind of roles were you offered directly after Roots?
I did a series of movies of the week. One in a Million, Battered, Dummy. It was always the heavy stuff, always drama. 

Most of your performances, especially Kunta Kinte, are heavily expressed through your eyes. Yet in Star Trek: The Next Generation, they put you in a visor that essentially covered your eyes from the camera. What did you learn from having your special powers taken away?
Crazy isn’t it? Take away your power to communicate? Well, I had to figure it out. There’s a fair amount of voice work, but most of it is energetic. It’s all the subtleties you won’t ever see. After seven years of wearing the visor, I requested them to develop a new technology so I could incorporate the eyes back into my performance.

Being a fan of the original Star Trek series, what did you want to bring to the Next Generation that you felt was missing?
Nothing! I loved the original so much. I was just so happy to be a part of the reboot. We can draw a lot upon the reflections that we see of ourselves reflected in the world around us. Growing up, Star Trek was one of the few shows I watched where I could see people who looked like me, and they were running the ship!  I didn’t want to go to Vietnam. I didn’t want to be a pimp or hustler, I didn’t want to get chased by the cops, or do drugs. I wanted to be like these cats when I grew up. Gene Roddenberry’s vision helped me to form a positive self-image from a very young age.

How did Geordi see the world from behind the visor?
Geordi sees everything in the electromagnetic spectrum. He sees everything from infrared to X-ray. He even sees sound. What makes him unique is that he is experiencing it all simultaneously. 

Why did you turn down a pair of Google Glass?
I’m not comfortable with digitizing my experiences and sharing the data with Google. My mama didn’t raise no dummy.

Whose idea was it for Reading Rainbow to visit the set of Star Trek: The Next Generation?
Collectively, we thought it was a fun idea, and that it would be interesting for the kids to see what goes on behind the scenes. You don’t know how many people I meet who work in special effects who tell me they mark that episode as the start of an interest in what goes on behind the camera.

How did you come to host Reading Rainbow?
I had recently hosted another PBS show called Rebop, and was contacted by the producers about hosting a television show that would encourage children to read. It was an easy yes. I hosted the show for 23 years, and it became a huge part of who I am.

The show was canceled due to cutbacks at the hands of No Child Left Behind. Can you explain what happened?
The gist of it is, the funding PBS would normally receive to make Reading Rainbow was taken away and put towards other initiatives. No Child Left Behind claimed that they wanted to teach children to read. All the while they forgot the best way to get children to read is foster their love of reading. In 2006, PBS put Reading Rainbow out to pasture.

Recently you acquired the rights to Reading Rainbow, and re-launched it as a mobile app. Are you afraid of computers replacing a good old book?
No, because the show is about learning to love reading and having access to books. Kids today pay way more attention to iPads than they do to television, so naturally this is the way Reading Rainbow should evolve. I always wanted to have much more of an involvement with the show, so controlling the rights and the brand has always been a long-held dream.

How did you get the Reading Rainbow Twitter handle back from a cybersquatter?
For three years someone snagged the name and just sat on it. With the help of my followers—and the hashtag #ydhttmwfi (You Don’t Have To Take My Word For It)—we caught the attention of Twitter and got the name verified.

What do you think of Jimmy Fallon’s Doors cover of the Reading Rainbow theme?
It’s my favorite version!

Throughout your career, you have been a beacon of positivity. Have you ever secretly wished you could act like a jerk?
Oh, you mean just be an asshole? I suppose on some level it might be freeing. However, I have worked long and hard at identifying my authentic self, and I’m not going to surrender it to anyone or anything. This is genuinely who I am. I am naturally someone who has a positive spirit and a positive outlook. I do all kinds of things to keep it in shape. I have even done a couple of Tony Robbins fire walks. I’m what you might call a good energy junkie.

What I admire about you is that you are never afraid of coming off a bit nerdy.
I call it not being afraid of being enthusiastic!

Finally can you recommend a book for the readers of VICE?
I highly recommend, The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck. It’s a book that you will undoubtedly find in the self-help section, but don’t be afraid of it. It can help a searching individual find the key to who you are. 

Previously - Joshua John Miller

@telefantasyTV

In last week's Hacker Challenge, we asked you to hack something using wooden pallets. We received some great entries, but the winning hack shows us how to fashion a simple, effective gate using wooden pallets.

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When the water wars come, we're all gonna kill and eat each other before we even think of turning on our pets. Who's a dumb dog now?

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Mars colony

Mars One

Only a few dozen will be chosen for the 2023 mission to colonize the red planet.

Five months after the Netherlands-based private spaceflight project Mars One announced it would begin accepting applications for a one-way trip to the red planet, 202,586 people from more than 140 countries have submitted videos explaining why they should be chosen for the mission.

The first of four selection rounds ended August 31. Now, the Mars One selection committee will spend the next several months narrowing down the applicants. There are even plans to launch a reality TV show to choose the final candidates. The goal is for 24 to 40 people to begin a seven-year training program in 2015. Then, working with the private space flight company SpaceX, Mars One hopes to send the prospective Martian settlers to the red planet in teams of four, beginning in 2023.

Continue Reading...

We're still in the thick of harvest season, at least here in the northern hemisphere. Whether you grow herbs on your doorstep, vegetables in your back yard, or tend a full on farm, we'd like to see what you've been working on all summer.

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There are some interesting ideas and pretty gowns in the spring 2014 Pamella Roland collection (shown today at New York Fashion Week), but for some reason the clothes come off as just a little… joyless. Honeycomb net/knit and mirror details should be fun, so why do these seem like the garments of the chick who comes late to the party, refuses to dance and leaves early?

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All hail the Q.U.E.E.N. Janelle Monáe's The Electric Lady gets its official release tomorrow. Start celebrating early by reading the story behind the album's already-iconic cover art, designed by 25-year-old artist Sam Spratt.

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From Chicago

VIEW SLIDESHOW: Staff Picks: Where Do You Pig Out in Chicago?

[Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Sure, we love to casually graze on dainty small plates, but there are those rare occasions when all that fussing over a forkful just doesn't cut it. Perhaps we just ran a marathon or simply passed on last night's dessert. Regardless, the reason isn't as important as the fact that we need to eat a WHOLE LOT OF FOOD RIGHT NOW.

Though pigging out immediately conjures up enormous piles of pork with nary a green thing in sight, that's not the only way to feast. In fact, a number of our writers picked out meals where meat wasn't even the star. Perhaps it's the simple sight of some vegetables that helps lower our guard, allowing us to think we are being reasonable, when in fact we're anything but.

Check out how our writers like to pig out by clicking on the slideshow. Did your favorite place not make the list? Let us know!

• Lao Hunan
• Uncle John's BBQ
• Edzos Burger Shop
• Au Cheval
• Doughnut Vault
• Indian Garden
• Sun Wah
• Lucky's Sandwich Co.
• Santouka at Mitsuwa Market
• Hot Doug's
• Udupi Palace

She will be mine. Oh, yes – she will be mine.

Welcome to “Brandon Stroud finds his new dream girls” episode 1, as a pair of female Chicago Cubs fans showed up to a game dressed like Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar from Wayne’s World. I’m not sure how to explain how they make me feel, but as soon as I saw them this started playing in my head. Not since JT’s World has an appropriation of the Wayne’s World aesthetic affected me in such a way.

Did you ever see that ‘Twilight Zone’ where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn’t die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? That’s sorta how I felt watching this video:

That Garth lady can make a Mr. Jelly Donut Man out of me any day. Schwing!

A marketing and advertising company in Waco, Tex. really wanted to drum up some new business, you know, make a splash. Most likely, there was a strategy meeting at which Hornet Signs’ owner, Brad Kolb, petitioned his crack creative team for some ideas. Maybe someone said tentatively, “We should all wear funny hats, like, everywhere,” but that idea was roundly rejected. Maybe some other someone then said, “Let’s use the INTERNET to, you know, make gifs of cats holding up our signs.” No, no — Hornet Signs needed to show the public how realistic its signs are, how they have depth, contour. Hornet needed to not just interest or entertain people — the company needed to alarm them, to spread panic across the Texas highways, which is how the “woman bounded in the bed of a truck” pickup truck tailgate decal was born.

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Too lazy to heat up some pre-made soup? Well, if you’re also too lazy to make a decent cup of coffee — which explains why you own a Keurig coffee maker — then Campbell’s Soup K-Cups are here to help.

Just pop a Campbell’s K-Cup into your ‘coffee’ maker, and let it brew over the included packet of dry pasta and “vegetable blend garnish.” A tepid cup o’ soup with coffee remnants will be ready in no time. Your move, Cup Noodles.

[via First We Feast]

From Chicago

VIEW SLIDESHOW: Put the Lime on the Fish and Eat Them Both Together: 10 Ceviches We Love in Chicago

[Photograph: Lindsey Howald Patton]

Ah, ceviche, that most refreshing of seafood dishes. Most, though not all, signs point to the Peruvian coastal dwellers of yore as ceviche's inventors; the book Lima: A Cultural History claims it with confidence, and outlines the time-honored formula as this: a freshly-caught whitefish cut raw into small pieces, mixed with spicy chopped chilis and some onion, and left to marinate for a few minutes in lemon juice before eating.

But there are riffs aplenty. Mexico is probably next best-known for its version, which folds cilantro, lime, avocado, and tomato into the mix. There's also the soupy Ecuadorian shrimp cebiche; a Guatemalan "bloody clam" version using Worcestershire and ketchup; or the Colombian kind, which comes accompanied by starchy maize and plantains. And of course there are the myriad creative takes rising from haute cuisine, containing anything from coconut milk to foraged mushrooms to fried wontons.

Ceviche in Chicago comes in many shapes and sizes, portions and prices, and this list is a broad sampling from the whole citrusy gamut. So: lime and salt not enough flavor for you? Try the Peruvian versions, which douse the fish in a beautifully complex blended marinade called leche de tigre. Squeamish about raw fish? We tried a few that were steamed first or marinated long enough that you'd never know. Hardcore about sustainable catches? Rick Bayless has you covered. Don't even like fish? There's even a deliciously zingy beef ceviche called carne apache.

Check out the slideshow for all 10 spots, and let us know where you go when it's time to channel your inner Peruvian fisherman.

• Cebiche de Pescatore and Tiradito at Ay Ay Picante
• Ceviche de Camaron at La Encantada
• Ceviche at Slurping Turtle
• Ceviche de Pescado at Garcia's
• Ceviche de Camaron at Mariscos El Veneno
• Trio, Trio, Trio at Topolobampo
• Ceviche Mixto at Sabor a Café
• Ceviche Mixto at Carnivale
• Ceviche Langosta at Mercadito
• Carne Apache at Del Toro

From Serious Eats: New York

VIEW SLIDESHOW: How Betony Makes Their Short Ribs

[Photographs: Laura Togut]

This short rib dish from Betony, which was just awarded three stars in the Times, is shaking up the midtown dining scene.

It's rare that a restaurant opening in Midtown causes much of a stir, but with Chef Bryce Shuman—the former executive Sous Chef of Eleven Madison Park—at the helm, it's no surprise that Betony is making waves.

The grilled short ribs are generally considered to be one of the highlights of the menu, and when you see the preparation, you understand why. Chef Shuman's attention to detail is steadfast, even though the ingredient and techniques are relatively straightforward.

We got to go behind the scenes of the Betony kitchen and see at how this beautiful plate comes is made, from start to finish (hint: put beef fat in everything). Click through the slideshow to see.

VIEW SLIDESHOW: Better with Giardiniera: 9 Great Sandwiches Featuring with Chicago's Favorite Condiment

[Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

I'd never heard of giardiniera before moving to Chicago, but now I can't live without it. In Italy, the term refers to collection pickled vegetables—usually cauliflower, celery, and olives—but here it's almost always addled with a healthy helping of chilies. The result is a crunchy, acidic, and fiercely spicy condiment, which improves almost everything it touches.

While giardiniera can top everything from thick-crust pizza to french fries, it's most often found on one of Chicago's oversized sandwiches.

In particular, it's hard to imagine Italian subs or Italian beefs without it. But not all giardiniera is created equal. Some is all spice and no acid, while others are soggy when they should be crunchy. These are the sandwiches we think get it right. Take a look at the slideshow to see all of them, or check out the list below.

• Alpine Sub with Roasted Red Peppers and Portabella Mushrooms at Alpine Food Shop
• Italian Beef at Al's #1 Italian Beef
• Gym Shoe at Sun Submarine
• Italian Beef Combo at Johnnie's Beef
• Italian Sub at J. P. Graziano
• Gyros Sandwich with Giardiniera at Niko's Gyros
• Sausage Sandwich with Giardiniera at Nottoli & Son
• A Wreck at Potbelly
• Breaded Steak Sandwich at Ricobene's

Cry-Baby #1: Samuel Drew

screencaps via WCTI12, via Reddit

The incident: A dog got in a man's way while he was walking over a bridge. 

The appropriate response: Stepping around or over it, depending on the size of the dog.

The actual response: He picked up the dog and threw it off the bridge. 

Last Saturday, 36-year-old Samuel Drew was walking in New Bern, North Carolina.

As he was walking across the town's Alfred A. Cunningham drawbridge, two dogs started following him. 

According to New Bern Police, Samuel picked up one of the dogs (a hound mix, pictured above) and threw it off the side of the bridge. It fell 20 feet into the water. 

A couple who were in their boat spotted Samuel throwing the dog into the water, and were able to save it.

Police say that Drew tried to throw a second dog, a pit bull, off the bridge as well, but was unable to catch it before being stopped by police.  

The hound and the pit bull were both taken in by animal control.

When asked why he'd thrown the dog by a reporter from WCTI12 News, Samuel said, "Because it got in the way."

Samuel is currently being held on a $5,000 secure bond. If convicted, he faces up to ten years in prison. 

We’ve played the “I’m not sure why this exists” card a few times for Funny Or Die videos, most notably the times they had all-star trick shot bowling or instructed poor simpleton Ryan Lochte to make a bunch of pee jokes, but this one is special. This one is badass.

I should be able to get you to click it by typing GEENA DAVIS ARCHERY TRICKS in capital letters. If that doesn’t work, perhaps GEENA DAVIS DOING ARCHERY TRICKS FOR REAL WHILE WEARING HER OLD ROCKFORD PEACHES OUTFIT FROM A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN. What do I have to do, make her do archery tricks on a pirate ship? Nobody wants to see that.

But yeah, here’s actress Geena Davis being a viral video superstar and the protagonist of Brave in one fell swoop. I’d make the “there’s no crying in archery” joke but they already did that, and it was probably 90% why they made the video in the first place.

It's time, once again, to name and shame the week's biggest pussies.

Cry-Baby #1: Houston Police Department

via Gawker/screencap via Fox 26 News

The incident: While playing doctor with a group of kids, a nine-year-old girl touched the genitals of a four-year-old boy.

The appropriate response: Telling her that's an inappropriate thing to do. 

The actual response: She was arrested and charged with aggravated sexual assault. 

According to Houston's Fox 26 News, the young girl, who they're calling "Ashley" (not her real name), was among a group of kids playing doctor in the courtyard of the apartment she lives in with her mother. 

At some point, a neighbor claims she saw Ashley touch a four-year-old boy in his "private area" and called the boy's mother to let her know. 

A few weeks later, Ashley was out playing with some friends when she got a call from her mom telling her she needed to head home. 

When she got there, she was arrested by officers from the Houston Police Department for aggravated sexual assault. 

"I was crying and they took me to the car and I didn't want to get in and I was crying and I was moving and trying not to get in the police car and my mom told me to calm down," said Ashley, in an interview with Fox 26.