IKEA Monkey

Gaze, fellow plebians, upon this tastefully understated piece of paper (probably firm in texture), embossed with an illustrious summons (golden) to the Wedding Event of the Century: THE KIMYE NUPTIALS.

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Can you remember the last time you saw Dolly Parton wear a sleeveless dress or strapless gown? It's been decades. That's because the country singer is covered in tattoos, which she's been weirdly secretive about. But we found some photographic evidence!

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Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Here’s some very good news: After two decades of steady decline, teen pregnancy rates have hit a record low in the US, plummeting in every state and across ethnic groups, according to new research from the Guttmacher Insitute. The study, released this week, found that just six percent of women between the ages of 15 and 19 got pregnant in 2010, which means that there were 57 pregnancies for every 1,000 teenage girls. That’s a stunning 51 percent drop from the peak rate in 1990, and a 15 percent decrease from 2008 alone.

Teen abortion and birth rates have similarly declined from their respective peaks, although the drop off has been less dramatic.

Image courtesy of the Guttmacher Institute 

“We’ve known that birth rates were falling, but this is something different—now we know that it’s because fewer teens are actually becoming pregnant in the first place,” said lead author Kathryn Kost, a Guttmacher researcher. “The takeaway is that it appears teens are taking control of their sexual and reproductive lives.”

“I think we’re probably seeing the wider impact of efforts to ensure teens can access the information and contraceptive services they need to prevent pregnancies,” Kost added. But she conceded that the report doesn’t offer much to explain the trend. “This is basically a statistical report to put on the table, and look at what we have,” she said. “Really the next step is asking why? What can we do to figure out what is causing these declines?”

It’s easy to see the numbers as proof that progressive sexual health policies, like expanding health care coverage for birth control and cutting off funding for abstinence-only education, are working—and that conservative opposition to said policies is just backwards paternalism and vagina fear-mongering. But while birth control and comprehensive sex ed obviously play a role in lowering the teen pregnancy rate, that’s not the whole story. A deeper look at the data on teen sexuality reveals a much more nuanced picture, raising big questions about what is actually behind the dramatic drop in teen pregnancies, births, and abortions. Clearly some teenage girls have figured out a way to avoid getting pregnant. But what exactly it is that they are doing—and why—remains a mystery.

Of course, it’s not all good news. Despite the downward trends, the US still has more teen births than any other industrialized nation. According to the report, there were still some 614,000 teen pregnancies in 2010—a huge number that doesn’t include 11,000 pregnancies among girls aged 14 and below. The study also found that while teen pregnancy declined nationally, progress from state to state has been uneven, and pregnancy rates among black and Hispanic teens remain twice as high as rates for white teens.

“One of the nation's great national success stories over the past two decades has been the truly stunning declines in teen pregnancy and childbearing,” said Bill Albert, the chief program officer for The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancies. “But when we talk about all of this good news, we do have to temper it a bit with a glass half-empty interpretation.”

The most obvious, albeit slightly surprising, explanation for the decline in pregnancy rates is that teens are actually having less sex than they used to. According to federal data, 57 percent of teen girls reported that they were virgins in 2010, up from 49 percent in 1995. That timeline closely corresponds to the heyday of abstinence-only sex ed, which started getting federal funding as part of the 1996 Welfare Reform Act and turned into a billion industry under the George W. Bush administration before the Obama administration slashed abstinence spending in 2009. Interestingly, CDC studies have found that since 2002, the number one reason most teens, male or female, give for not having had sex is that it is “against their religion or morals.” All of which suggests that telling kids they should wait to have sex—or alternatively, warning them that premarital sex will turn you into a prostitute and/or junkie, as the Las Vegas Police Department did at a “Choose Purity” event last weekend—might actually be working, at least for some teens.

“The Guttmacher report doesn’t really address the fact that there is an increase in the number of high-school students who are waiting to have sex,” said Valerie Huber, president of the National Abstinence Education Association. “Anyone who wants to have an honest dialogue about this has to acknowledge the fact that in the midst of a highly sexualized cultures, teens are holding off on having sex.”

Abstinence-only or otherwise, sex ed is horrifying, so it’s not totally surprising that it has scared kids out of having sex. Add to that the Teen Mom tabloid horror show and crying-toddler PSAs, and it’s safe to say teen girls are getting the message that having a baby is really fucking terrible.

But while the overall teen pregnancy rate includes a substantial number of young women who have never had intercourse, the Guttmacher report also found that pregnancy has also declined among teens who are having sex, dropping 43 percent from its 1990 peak to a rate of about 127 pregnancies per 1,000 women. It’s worth noting, too, that most girls haven’t had any sex education by the time they lose their virginity, according to a recent CDC report, which calls the mistiming a “missed opportunity to introduce medically accurate information on abstinence and effective contraceptive use.”

It is true that kids are using contraception way more than they did back in the days before AIDS and the Moral Majority, when bras were optional and everyone was having cowboy sex. But just because teen pregnancy rates are falling doesn’t mean that teens are practicing safe sex. About half of new STD infections in the US are contracted by people under age 25, and girls ages 15-19 have the largest number of reported cases of gonorrhea and chlamydia, according to the most recent CDC statistics. Moreover, data shows that rates of contraception use among teens didn’t change much between 2002 and 2010, although teen pregnancy rates fell by about 18 percent during that period.

“There seems to be an unsolvable mystery here,” said Bill Albert. “Teen sex has gone down, but it has leveled off, contraceptive use continues to creep up a little bit. But pregnancy rates have fallen off the charts. And yet the STD rates remain quite high.”

So what exactly is it that teen girls are doing to avoid getting knocked up? Maybe it’s as simple as taking Plan B, which wasn’t available at pharmacies until 2006 (and even then, only with a prescription for women under age 17.) Or maybe teen girls are just telling their boyfriends to pull the fuck out. Maybe it’s some combination of factors, and teen girl magic. Whatever it is, finding the answer could unlock the secret to helping the too-high number of teen girls that are still getting pregnant.

“As with all things, the more targeted you can get, the narrower you can refine the message, the more successful you can be,” said Albert. “The wrong message to take from the new data is that we can pack up our tents and go home. It's not like we found a vaccination.” 

Earlier this year, I wrote about a somewhat confusing (albeit pleasant) experience I’d had at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas, where I and a number of other travelers were put through the TSA’s expedited PreCheck line — meaning no removal of shoes, belts or jackets — in spite of not being enrolled in the PreCheck program. At the time, the TSA didn’t offer too much insight into why this had happened, but a new report sheds some more light on the topic.

Back in January, a TSA rep explained to me that I’d been the beneficiary of something called Managed Inclusion, which is intended to both speed up the screening process by making on-the-fly risk-based assessments that will let more people use the faster PreCheck lanes, while also shaking up that same process to make it less predictable.

According to BusinessWeek, what’s behind this unpredictability is an app called “randomizer,” which is currently being used at around 100 airports to funnel some travelers out of long lines and into the faster PreCheck lines, which move about twice as quickly as the others.

The randomizer is used during those peak times when lines usually become congested with travelers trying to make their flights. Since the PreCheck program requires a registration process and an $85 fee, many people haven’t enrolled. So rather than let the PreCheck line go unused — and since even the TSA acknowledges that terrorists are the extremely rare exception and not the norm — it uses the randomizer and other risk-based methods to move people through the PreCheck line even though they aren’t part of the program yet.

The TSA tells BusinessWeek that, as PreCheck enrollment grows, it will likely use the randomizer less frequently because the PreCheck lines will be busy with registered travelers.

While many of us rely on coffee to keep our eyes from shutting when we’re getting tired, a new study out of Cornell University says drinking coffee can have another effect on the ol’ peepers: It could help prevent eyesight from deteriorating, say researchers. All the better to see that cup of joe so desperately needed in the morning.

Coffee contains 7% to 9% chlorogenic acid (known as CLA), an antioxidant that prevents retinal degeneration in mice, says the study published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry.

The retina is a thin layer of tissue on the back wall of the eyeball that contains light-sensitive cells and other nerve cells in charge of receiving and sorting the information you’re seeing. It needs a lot of oxygen to work well and avoid tissue damage, which, combined with free radicals, leads to loss of sight. This can happen due to glaucoma, aging and diabetes, the study explains.

In the study, some mice received nitric oxide treatment to create oxidative stress and free radicals (the things antioxidants fight). Mice treated with CLA didn’t develop any retinal damage, while those that didn’t had signs of retinal degeneration.

Don’t go guzzling away just yet — because CLA is absorbed during the digestive process, researchers are now going to look into whether or not drinking coffee will allow the CLA to cross directly through what’s known as the blood-retinal barrier and into the retina. Or perhaps in the future, synthetic compounds with the magic ingredient could be dropped directly into the eye.

This research is “important in understanding functional foods, that is, natural foods that provide beneficial health effects,” the study’s senior author says in a press release about the work. “Coffee is the most popular drink in the world, and we are understanding what benefit we can get from that.”

A Florida woman tried to demolish her neighbors' mobile home because she didn't like them and thought they had broken into her car.

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It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Bryan Mackenzie

Photos via Facebook

The incident: A kid grew his hair long in order to donate it to cancer victims. 

The appropriate response: Making a donation to a charity in his name or something.

The actual response: His coach told him he's not allowed to play with his baseball team until he cuts his hair short.

Until Wednesday, 16-year-old Liam Nazarek was a member of a baseball team called the Junior Dust Devils in Pincher Creek, Canada.

Nazarek currently has long hair, as he has been growing it for a year with the intention of eventually donating it to a charity that makes wigs for children with cancer. 

Before the team's game on Wednesday, Nazarek was told by the coach, Bryan Mackenzie, that he had to either cut his hair off or sit out the rest of the season's games.

Nazarek's mother, Kimberley Jorgensen, filmed the exchange with coach Mackenzie and posted it to Facebook. 

In the video, the coach is seen explaining that Nazarek must get get his hair cut "if he wants to continue to play baseball."

"Hair is not a rule in baseball," Jorgensen can be heard telling the coach. "It is for me," the coach responds. 

Despite there being a fairly large online backlash against the coach, the baseball league has sided with him. In a statement, a representative for the league wrote, "The parent in this situation manipulated the situation using social media. This is totally unacceptable if not only because it sets a terrible example for our children. There was no respect in this situation whatsoever."

After hearing news of Nazarek's suspension, a team in a neighboring town has offered to let Liam play for them. He has yet to decide whether or not to take them up on their offer. 

Cry-Baby #2: Needville High School

The incident: A kid refused to stand during the Pledge of Allegiance.

The appropriate response: Raising one fist in the air and saying, "Right on, man."

The actual response: He was suspended from school. 

On Wednesday, 15-year old Mason Michalec was in class at Needville High School in Needville, Texas.

Because Texas is in America and America is weird, it's customary for the class to have a moment of silence, recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and also say something called the Texas Pledge at the start of each school day.

While the class did this, Michalec stayed seated and silent.

In the KHOU news video above, which features some VERY snazzy editing (including a ripple wipe!), Michalec explained that he's been refusing to stand during the pledge for the last few months. "I'm really tired of our government taking advantage of us," he explained. "I don't agree with the NSA spying on us, and I don't agree with CISPA or any of the internet laws."

Generally, his protest hasn't caused any problems. But on Wednesday, Michalec's class had a different teacher. The teacher, who hasn't been named, reportedly told Michalec to get up. When he refused, he was sent to the principal.

The principal gave Michalec a two-day in-school suspension. He was also told that he would be given an additional two days of punishment each time he refused to stand during the pledge. 

Mason told KHOU that he intends to continue his protest and face the punishment. "I think it's time that people do something for themselves and stop taking whatever's handed to them... I'm angry and frustrated and annoyed that they would try to write me up for something I have the right to do."

Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll right here, please:

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: A woman who sued the family of a kid she ran over vs. a person who called the cops on a free book giveaway

Winner: The woman who ran over someone!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

This is the most amazing thing everyone at Slate has read on the Internet in quite some time. Enjoy this extremely practical advice, reprinted with permission from wikiHow.com.

My mom and I saw a movie the other night.

I zoomed up the highway from my downtown apartment and she got a lift through the quiet sidestreets of my hometown. She had a big smile when I got there and was waiting in the lobby wearing lipstick and a cream cable knit sweater. She had the tickets pre-purchased and a purse packed with white chocolate, mixed nuts, and two bottles of water.

A plump n’ perky assistant manager with curls waterfalling out of her tight ballcap ripped our tickets and pointed us down the hall. We passed a couple glossy-eyed teens holding mops and texting as we walked into the theater and had a quick discussion — Where do you want to sit? Where do youwant to sit? Wherever you want to sit — before grabbing a couple in the middle of the red plushy tundra.

Now, my mom’s five feet tall so her legs dangled from the chair, her clean gray spongy-soled sneakers swaying like a kid on a swing set. We chatted, chilled, and chowed down on chocolate before leaning back for the start of the show.

My mom fell asleep in twenty minutes.

I elbowed her softly and her eyes popped open. She looked at me, laughed guiltily, and whispered in a mock-cranky tone “It’s past my bedtime!” She then watched a few more minutes before dozing off again. After a couple more elbow jabs, I eventually just let her go.

When the credits started rolling and the house lights turned up we put on our coats on and made our way down. “So what did you think of the ending?” I asked with a big smile. “I liked the way they wrapped things up,” she straight-faced back, holding the metal handrail and single-stepping down the stairs.

I drove her home down the quiet, wet-slicked roads, through empty intersections, past my old school, and the park where my sister and I had soccer practice. When we reached the house she smiled groggily, gave me a big hug, and said come back soon.

As I zipped down the highway into the bright city lights my brain photo-flashed back … to blurry images of late-night rides through those same empty intersections, front row seats at school plays, and cold wobbly lawn chairs sitting patiently on the sidelines at soccer practice…

Happy Mother’s Day, everybody.

AWESOME!

– Email message –

“hey neil: i don’t know what i would do without my mom. i decided that i’m going to give her the book of awesome for mom’s day. :) now that’s awesome!” – Molly

Photos from: here, here and here

Photo via Flickr user Mike Mozart

Hello, sir. I’m addressing you as such because you’re a man. I mean, I could be wrong (as I'm sure you know, I often am), but statistically speaking, you're probably not a member of the fairer sex. Ah, but look at me! Not even a paragraph in, and I'm already generalizing. Does that upset you? I bet it does. 

You don't like me. But then again, you don't like most people. Or things. Or worldviews that don't align with your own. You thrive on being a contrarian. Contrarianism is, in a way, your religion. Because you sure as shit aren't a Christian, or a Muslim, or a Jew, or any of those sheeple who believe in a higher power. You're higher than that high power. You're the highest. You, and only you, are the way, the truth, and the life. 

You hate, with a passion, that Lindy West broad­—y’know, the one who’s always flapping her gums about who-gives-a-fuck over at that Jezebel rag. You think she’s fat. You want her to know that you think she’s fat. So you tell her that she’s fat. Un-rapeably fat. Geez Louise, ain't she fat? Where does she get off, being so fat? 

You resent the website you’re reading, even though you continue to read it. You hate click bait like this but nevertheless click it, increasing its page views and thus the likelihood of more articles like it being published by the website you resent yet still read on a daily basis. And by “read,” I mean “skim, if that, then immediately register your disgust below based primarily on the headline.” I’ve seen the analytics. I know that the likelihood of your reading to the bottom of an article is the same as your finding happiness: not bloody likely. I wrote this for you. But why did I even bother? You’re not reading this. I may as well be typing into the void. I can type whatever I want right now; it doesn’t matter. I know where Joseph Kony is hiding. I can lead you there right now. Wanna come with me? Let's get him, gang.

Photo via Flickr user Pat Williams

You’re tired of being persecuted for your privilege. It’s not your fault that you’re white. Male. A member of the middle-class. You’ve worked hard for everything you have—the midsized automobile, the two-bedroom ranch-style home in the suburbs you live alone in, the 50-inche plasma TV, the Pittsburgh Steelers season tickets. No one helped you with a goddamn thing. You, sir, suckle at no teat. There is no room in your life, in your world, in your heart, for people who don’t pull their weight.

You wish you were a fuckin’ minority, y’know? Or a woman. Or a gay. They have it so much easier than you. I mean, society never persecutes them. They’re too busy giving them jobs and letting them into universities, unwarranted. Fuckin' quotas, am I right? 

You comment because it makes you feel like you have a voice. At work, you don’t. You want to tell Trevor, your supervisor, to go fuck himself. Because, well, fuck Trevor. That smug little prick. He’s your boss only because his dad owns the place. But you can’t tell Trevor to go fuck himself. Otherwise you’d be out of a job, and in this economy (Thanks, Obama), you’d be up shit's creek without a proverbial paddle. But when you’re online, the whole world is a Trevor. And you can tell it to go fuck itself as much as you want. So, naturally, you do.

Photo via Flickr user Ryan Quick

You like Adam Carolla. Really, really, like Adam Carolla. Why do you like Adam Carolla so much? I don't get it. But I get why you get it. Not only is he funny, but he’s not afraid to call the rest of the media out on their shit. He speaks the truth, and as a truth-teller yourself, you appreciate his candor. The same goes for Howard Stern. Those Opie and Anthony guys too. You tweet at them all the time. You tweet at a lot of people, actually. You’re really into creating a dialogue, I guess. And you look out for your own, blindly attacking anyone and everyone your favorite tweeters put in their cross hairs. Because those people, like me, don't get it. So fuck 'em.

You think I don’t know what I’m talking about. Wait—I mistyped. You know I don’t know what I’m talking about. Arguably, it’s the only thing you do know. It is the passion that drives you, the hatred that makes your motor run. You're fueled by energy drinks, nutritionally deficient fast food, and hatred. Your digestive tract must be a nightmare.

You are adrift on a vast, endless sea of righteous indignation. Don’t you get tired of being upset all the time? Is indignation your second job? Do you have a clock you punch before you go online? 

We can all agree that racism, sexism, and homophobia are bad. Or can we? I’m stomping all over your civil liberties, you say, whenever I imply that you should act civilly. Have I heard of the First Amendment, you ask?. I have, I answer.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but you’ve hurt my feelings. That was, of course, your intent when you told me I was a dumb bitch who doesn’t know what I’m talking about. When you called me a hipster fuck. When you called me a racist pig. Congratulations. Mazel.

You didn’t actually read this article. And yet you’re still upset. So why don’t you fuckin’ tell me all about it? Please, tell me. Use your words. They're all you have.

Respectfully,

Some Dumb Bitch Who Doesn’t Know What She’s Talking About

Follow Megan Koester on Twitter.

Your summer just got a little more awesome. [ more › ]

   I hope Tom Brady’s pet name for her is Bund Cake. Also, I sincerely did just have to stop caring whether anyone kept to the theme, because hardly anyone did. Including most of these women. Read More ...

The lovely Emma Stone recently spoke to Seventeen about media scrutiny of her body and body-shaming in general.

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I suck at parallel parking.

Honestly, just look at me out there: tire-scraping, curb-bumping, seven-point turning in the middle of the busy downtown street. Yes, that’s why I always breathe a massive sigh of relief when someone stops by to lend me a hand:

1. Airport Crew Chief. Strap a neon vest and giant earmuffs on this gal because she’s straight off the landing strip. If you’re lucky she’ll stand in your side mirror and use that beautiful two-hands-getting-closer-together technique.

2. The Extremist. Dude’s got no middle ground. He’s an extreme screamer who’s favorite lines are “Back back back back back ba STOP!” and “Lots of space lots of space lots of — you’re on the curb.”

3. Mr. Measures. This teacher’s straight outta the portables and all about the accuracy. He’ll be dusting chalk off his hands while inspecting your bumper and calling out “You’ve still got four inches.”

Yes, we sure love these kind sidewalk souls. Without their help we’d be craning our necks and twisting our spines so it’s great when they pop on by to help us pop on in.

AWESOME!

Sign up for 1000 Awesome Things on email.

– Email message –

“Loving The Book of Awesome right now!  Completely enjoyed chillin’ on the couch last night while cracking up and reading some of it (okay, most of it) to my husband. Also left a little extra awesome in one of the books at the store yesterday… see if anyone finds it!

That’s our daughter in the pictures (she’s three).  She ran wildly through the rooms of our home holding the book high above her head yelling “AWESOME” over…and over…and over again. She then proceeded to point out each and every picture to me.  Eventually, when I asked for it back she reminded me of how important it is to ‘share’.  Love that kid!  I may pick her up her own copy.” – Bekkah

Photo from: here and here

Students who took out their first federal student loan this past fall will someday be glad that they are only paying 3.86%. Just ask those of us whose loans were nearly double that percentage. But a new bill introduced in the Senate today by Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren would allow student loan borrowers to refinance at the rates set for new borrowers by last year’s legislation.

The Bank On Students Emergency Loan Refinancing Act [PDF] would give those with outstanding federal and private student loan debt the opportunity to refinance at the rate offered to first-time borrowers.

That rate was set last summer by legislation that tied student loan interest rates to the yield rate on 10-year treasury bonds. While that change ensured that new borrowers are getting very accommodating interest rates, it didn’t do anything to deal with the more than 1 trillion dollars in student loan debt that is currently on the books for around 40 million Americans.

Even certain private loans may be eligible for refinancing at the lower rates. Borrowers would need to be current on their private loan payments and meet debt-to-income ratios that would be determined by the Dept. of Education if the bill were to pass.

“Exploding student loan debt is crushing young people and dragging down our economy,” said Senator Warren. “Allowing students to refinance their loans would put money back in the pockets of people who invested in their education. These students didn’t go to the mall and run up charges on a credit card. They worked hard and learned new skills that will benefit this country and help us build a stronger middle class and a stronger America.”

The huge roadblock facing the bill is how it would be financed. Warren points to a recent GAO report that estimates the government will make $66 billion off of federal student loans disbursed between 2007 and 2012 as an indicator that there is room for refinancing.

“This is $66 billion on just the loans issued during that period. That is insane,” Warren told MassLive.com. “This (bill) brings that down. Instead of taxing students who can’t afford to pay for college up front, it says we are investing in those students.”

The legislation also introduces a number of tax reforms intended to enact what has been dubbed the “Buffett Rule,” in reference to billionaire Warren Buffett’s statement that he shouldn’t pay lower taxes than his secretary.

In 2012, lawmakers tried to pass financial reform that would have done just that by guaranteeing those that earn at $2 million or more pay a federal income tax rate of at least 30%. However, that bill was defeated in the Senate.

That said, Warren tells the Wall Street Journal that she may be flexible about how the refinancing would be funded.

“I would be delighted to work with the Republicans to find a way to pay for this,” the Senator explained.

Last we checked in with artist Heather Rooney, I was expressing shock and disbelief over her incredibly, hand-drawn version of the Oscar selfie that somehow looked even better and more beautiful than the real thing. Not that the photo of some famous people was beautiful, but it had Channing Tatum in it, so it’s priceless at the very least. Heather’s hands and pencils have been busier than ever, as she continues to draw amazing portraits of famous people, from Vin Diesel and Rihanna, with plenty of Harry Potter characters in between, and then show us how difficult and intricate of a process this is in convenient video form.

Just in time for the NBA Playoffs, Heather used her fantastic talent to draw portraits of Miami Heat stars LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, and I assume that she wanted to sketch Chris Bosh as well, but she couldn’t get the ostrich to stand still. Yes, that’s a tired bad joke, but the Heat are going to win another title, so they can deal with it.

Filed under: Sports Tagged: 2014 NBA PLAYOFFS, ART, HEATHER ROONEY, Lebron James, MIAMI HEAT, NBA, NBA Playoffs

Look, kid. You’ve made at least two mistakes recently (allegedly!), the least of which isn’t posting a video called “Me driving like an idiot” on YouTube for all to see. Because of course the most important mistake you made is (allegedly!) choosing to drive like an idiot.

Now that I’m done lecturing via the Internet, a Florida teen has been arrested and charged with two counts of leaving the scene of a crash with injuries as well as reckless driving and driving without a license after he reportedly filmed himself driving erratically and smashing into other vehicles as he went, reports UPI.

During the four-minute mistake, the young man allegedly hit four cars and put five people into the hospital, including himself. The video was posted on YouTube last Tuesday (it’s since been removed but you can see it here, if you need to) and he was arrested on Friday.

“He wasn’t concerned about anyone’s safety,” a police spokesperson said. “He just drove in a manner, cutting people off left and right just a total disregard for our citizens. We’re just really lucky we’re not dealing with a death in this case.”

‘Me driving like an idiot’ YouTube video leads to Florida teen’s arrest [UPI]

  Janelle Monae almost exclusively wears black and white. I mean, it might not even be “almost.” It might flat-out BE “exclusively.” So this cape was the most awesome revelation. She still looks completely herself, but with this killer kick of crimson, perfect shoes, and perfect lipstick. I have never tried wearing a cape, but if Read More ...

Last night, scores of famous and beautiful people descended upon the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City in order to, um, galavant, I guess. It was Vogue's idea.

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Adele, a very preternaturally successful and well-adjusted young woman, may be returning from her hiatus from music to release an album called 25.

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About a year ago, we covered the antics of Dean "Brother Dean" Saxton, a University of Arizona student who's styled himself a sort of one-boy Westboro Baptist Church. Saxton considers himself a "sign from God," and whiles away the hours preaching on campus about how whores "deserve rape," everyone should stop masturbating, Muslims are evil, "Yoga pants are sin," and homos are going to hell.

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This is not a joke. [ more › ]

 Last night, on Twitter, I noted that she looks like a drunken extra in Kiss Me Kate, and I stand by that in the harsh, cold light of day. Because WHAT: Everything about this looks like it was wadded up in a closet and forgotten about until five minutes before curtain. INCLUDING HER HAIR. Read More ...

   Well, Cinderella is the ultimate semi-homemade princess. Read More ...

So, imagine the following scenario: you're at work at a fast food place, just trying to get through your shift, like any other day. You spot a whole bunch of guys carrying assault weaponry right in front of the restaurant. What do you do?

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It's time for another round of The Food Lab. Got a suggestion for an upcoming topic? Email Kenji here, and he'll do his best to answer your queries in a future post. Become a fan of The Food Lab on Facebook or follow it on Twitter for play-by-plays on future kitchen tests and recipe experiments.

[Photographs: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt]

Flank steak is one of those cuts of meat that's custom-built for the grill. When cooked right, it has a mild, beefy flavor and lean texture, with just the right amount of chew when you slice it thinly across the grain. Butterfly that flank steak and stuff it with flavor-packed ingredients like Italian cold cuts, cheeses, and punchy condiments, and you're really in business. A nice flank steak pinwheel is one of the fastest-cooking and most impressive-looking pieces of meat you can throw on the grill; the kind of thing to pull out when you want to impress the neighbors.

Stuffing and grilling a flank steak is not all that difficult, but it does take a bit of know-how to ensure that you butterfly it cleanly and in the right direction (open it up the wrong way and rather than tender slices cut against the grain, you'll end up with a steak so stringy and tough you'd be better off using it as a doorstop).

Flank steak has long since moved from being an inexpensive economy cut to being one of the most desirable pieces of meat for the grill, costing almost as much as any of the four high-end steaks you should know.

When shopping for flank steak, look for an even, deep red color with a fair amount of fine fat running along the length of the muscles. Poorly butchered flank steak will either have a thin membrane still attached to parts of it, or will have had that membrane removed so aggressively that its surface has been shredded. Look for smoothly textured pieces without nicks or gouges.

A standard whole flank steak can weigh anywhere between two and four pounds. Plan on cooking a pound of flank steak for every three diners, a pound and a half if your friends are as hungry as mine.

Now, get ready to stuff!

Step 1: Trim Your Steak

Trim off any large bits of excess fat and silverskin using a sharp boning knife. Smaller swaths are totally fine. Since we're going to be rolling the steak into a clean cylinder, square off the edges using your boning knife. The scraps can be saved for another use (like breakfast steak and eggs!).

Arrange the steak so that the grain runs parallel to the front edge of your cutting board.

Step 2: Start Butterflying

Holding your free hand flat against the top of the steak, insert the knife along the trimmed edge of the steak and start slicing horizontally through the middle. The goal is to work the knife through, cutting with the grain, from one side to the other, leaving the back edge intact like the spine of a book.

Step 3: Work Slowly

Keep working the knife across slowly and carefully until you get it all the way through from one end to the other.

Step 4: Work the Seam

Pull open the flap of meat you just released like a book, and using just the tip of your knife, very carefully cut into the seam, getting closer and closer to the edge until it's being held together only by the last 1/2- to 1/4-inch or so.

Step 5: Flatten It

Lay the meat out flat, then pound the seam with the palm of your hand or a meat pounder (gently!) until the whole steak lays completely flat in a perfect rectangle. I SAID PERFECT.

Step 6: Season It!

I've tried seasoning the individual pinwheels after cutting them, but one of the major advantages of rolling your steak like this is the ability to season inside and out, giving you better flavor and more moisture retention as it cooks (salt can help loosen the muscle structure of meat so that it contracts less when it's subsequently heated).

Step 7: Start Filling With Moist Ingredients

Start spreading your stuffing over the beef. Any number of flavorful stuffings work, including relishes and spreads, thinly sliced meats and cheese, or vegetables. We like this version with salami, two cheeses, and bread crumbs, or the one we have pictured, made muffuletta-style with Italian cold cuts, provolone, and an olive salad.

Start by spreading your moist ingredients directly over the surface of the meat, leaving a one-inch border at the top and bottom.

Step 8: Layer Dry Ingredients

Next, layer your dry ingredients—like cold cuts—in a very thin layer, again leaving that one-inch gap at the top and bottom.

Step 9: Layer Cheese

Layer your thin-sliced cheese (if using!) last.

Step 10: Start Rolling

Start rolling the flank steak away from you, keeping everything as tight as possible and trying to prevent the fillings from squeezing out of either end.

Step 11: Finish Rolling and Lay it Down

When you've finished rolling up that steak, let it rest seam-side-down to keep it closed.

Step 12: Start Tying

Measure the width of your roll in inches, divide it by 1.5, subtract 1, and cut off that many pieces of kitchen twine—about a foot long. The idea is that you want to tie your rolled flank steak off at 1 1/2-inch intervals (leaving 3/4 of an inch on either end). Tie the steak working from the outside in, so that the final piece of twine you tie is in the center of the steak.

Step 13: Secured

Your steak should look something like this when you're done. Now you could just grill the sucker whole like we do with this chimichurri-stuffed flank steak, but you'll get more flavor out of it if you cut it into individual pinwheels first.

Step 14: Skewer It

Insert a skewer through each piece of twine. Without the skewer, the slices would buckle and collapse once they even start cooking. The skewer helps them keep their pretty shape until served, which means better presentation, more even cooking, and better filling-retention.

Step 15: Slice It

Slice the steak cleanly into cylinders using long, steady strokes in between each piece of twine.

Step 16: Work Slowly!

Work slowly to make sure that your slices are completely even and that the string ends up in the center of each one.

Step 17: Season Generously

Once the pinwheels are sliced, season them generously with salt and pepper.

Step 18: Start Them Hot!

In my Complete Guide to Grilling Steak, I recommend starting thick steaks over the cooler side of the grill, then finishing them off with a sear for more even cooking and better moisture retention.

In this case, however, that method doesn't work out so great—the cheese melts and drips out of the pinwheels as it warms up.

Instead, I found that by building a two-zone fire with all the coals piled under one side of the grill, and grilling the steaks over direct heat, I could cook them fast enough that any cheese that starts to drip out ends up browning, forming a firm crust that prevents the rest of the cheese from oozing out. The trick is to cook them without flipping or moving until that first side is well-charred.

Step 19: Flip'em

Carefully flip the steaks over with tongs. Even with very clean grill grates, the cheese can stick a bit, so work slowly, making sure you don't yank any of the cheese off. Continue cooking until the second side is charred.

Step 20: Finish Cool

Transfer the steaks over to the cooler side of the grill once they've seared. This will allow them to finish cooking through gently (with the cover on), and opens up that hot side for grilling up some quick-cooking vegetables (like the asparagus stalks and king oyster mushrooms I've got).

Step 21: Use a Thermometer

Make sure to use a good instant-read digital thermometer like the Thermapen to take the core temperature of your meat. What you're looking for is around 120°F for medium-rare, or 130°F for medium. As soon as the steak hits it, transfer it to a plate to rest, in order to maximize its juiciness.

Step 22: Profit

Dinner is served. Charred, tender beef with crispy bits of browned cheese and a flavorful stuffing, seasoned inside-and-out, and pretty easy on the eyes to boot!

About the author: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt is the Chief Creative Officer of Serious Eats where he likes to explore the science of home cooking in his weekly column The Food Lab. You can follow him at @thefoodlab on Twitter, or at The Food Lab on Facebook.

Recipes!

• Muffuletta-Style Grilled Stuffed Flank Steak (Stuffed With Salumi, Provolone, and Olive Salad)
• Grilled Stuffed Flank Steak With Salami, Fontina, Parmesan, and Bread Crumbs