IKEA Monkey

So here’s how goofy the National Dialogue has gotten: The NRA is asking groups like Open Carry Texas if they could please tone it down a little bit. Apparently all that gun-packing in public is just not having the desired effect of making the public fall in love with people walking into restaurants with assault weapons. In fact, for some dumb reason, large groups of people waving guns around seems to make people nervous, probably because they are all just indoctrinated by the liberal media to fear Freedom. And so, on Friday, the NRA issued a long statement explaining, in essence, that scaring the shit out of people is not good Public Relations.

The statement notes that maybe, just maybe, walking around with assault rifles, while legal, was not making any friends:

As gun owners, whether or not our decisions are dictated by the law, we are still accountable for them … If we exercise poor judgment, our decisions will have consequences … such as turning an undecided voter into an antigun voter because of causing that person fear or offense. In ways small and large, we are all in this together, and we all have a role to play in preserving our cherished freedoms for ourselves and future generations.

This is a diplomatic way of moving toward the “please stop being dicks, you dicks” part of the message, which is careful to praise Texas’s “robust gun culture” but then says some downright traitorous stuff, saying that recent actions have “crossed the line from enthusiasm to downright foolishness.”

Now we love AR-15s and AKs as much as anybody, and we know that these sorts of semiautomatic carbines are among the most popular, fastest selling firearms in America today. Texas, independent-minded and liberty-loving place that it is, doesn’t ban the carrying of loaded long guns in public, nor does it require a permit for this activity. Yet some so-called firearm advocates seem determined to change this.

Recently, demonstrators have been showing up in various public places, including coffee shops and fast food restaurants, openly toting a variety of tactical long guns. Unlicensed open carry of handguns is legal in about half the U.S. states, and it is relatively common and uncontroversial in some places.

Yet while unlicensed open carry of long guns is also typically legal in most places, it is a rare sight to see someone sidle up next to you in line for lunch with a 7.62 rifle slung across his chest, much less a whole gaggle of folks descending on the same public venue with similar arms.

Let’s not mince words, not only is it rare, it’s downright weird and certainly not a practical way to go normally about your business while being prepared to defend yourself. To those who are not acquainted with the dubious practice of using public displays of firearms as a means to draw attention to oneself or one’s cause, it can be downright scary. It makes folks who might normally be perfectly open-minded about firearms feel uncomfortable and question the motives of pro-gun advocates.

In other words, it’s pretty clear that the NRA is a bunch of wusses who fear the manly display of guns. Oh, sure, maybe the NRA thinks that it’s not working, and that it’s “counterproductive for the gun owning community,” but isn’t asking groups like Open Carry Texas not to parade around with their boomsticks just the first step toward the NRA advocating gun registration and confiscation? It’s exactly the same thing. Oh, sure, they phrase it in “positive” language:

More to the point, it’s just not neighborly, which is out of character for the big-hearted residents of Texas. Using guns merely to draw attention to yourself in public not only defies common sense, it shows a lack of consideration and manners. That’s not the Texas way. And that’s certainly not the NRA way.

But what is this nonsense about “manners”? Has the NRA forgotten the most basic tenet of responsible gun fondling? An armed society is a polite society. Ergo, you cannot truly be rude if you are carrying a Street Sweeper.

We’re looking forward to the Open Carry Texas loons’ next action, which should be, if there’s any justice, to show up at NRA headquarters in Virginia and demand to be allowed to walk around the building while packing heat.

[MotherJones / Photo Credit: Andy Jacobsen, Dallas Morning News]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He’s not usually loaded until later in the afternoon.

Can you imagine being The Daily Caller (or any other conservative media outlet that is trying to be cool), and your biggest celebrity “get” is an extended interview with fading bully/outdated hair product connoisseur Adam Carolla? You’d milk that forever, including highlighting his claim about how rich people are better than poor people, mostly because they’re rich.

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 Drake, dude, I know you and Rihanna are ALLEGEDLY on the outs, but really? Wearing a pajama top to dinner helps NO ONE. Stay HOME in those blue satin jammies and watch Bridget Jones and eat ice cream. You’ll feel better. Promise. Read More ...

I spend a lot of time harping on the idea that speech and pop culture influence behavior—that kids who grow up steeped in hero-"gets"-the-princess narratives might grow into adults who don't fully honor women's humanity; that comedy fans whose heroes traffic in victim-skewering rape jokes might be slow to acknowledge rape culture's more sinister trappings; that the ubiquity of sexist, racist, homophobic, fatphobic, and transphobic media (in concert with factors like entitlement, anger issues, access to weapons, and poor impulse control) might contribute to a climate of actual physical peril for marginalized people.

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A Russian dairy company that has been inexplicably crossing out its barcodes for five years has finally revealed why: to ward off the Antichrist. Seriously.

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It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1:Tatyana Granada

Screencaps via CTV Calgary

The incident: A woman was sent to prison for three years after being caught putting needles in the bread at her local supermarket.

The appropriate response: Being thankful that you weren't imprisoned for longer. 

The actual response: She is suing the supermarket as she claims that being sent to prison has ruined her life. 

Back in 2012, Calgary resident Tatyana Granada (pictured above) was sent to prison for placing pins, needles, and "other objects" into bakery and dairy items in her local Co-Op.

During the trial, she confessed that she'd tampered with the food to get back at the store, as they had previously banned her for shoplifting.

She was sentenced to three years in prison, but ended up being released on parole in March of this year.

Now, according to CTV Calgary, Tatyana has launched a $7.3 million defamation lawsuit against Co-Op, claiming that being convicted of the crimes led to emotional distress and material loss.

She claims that being arrested caused her "loss of family honor," which led to her husband taking his own life.

She also claims that the negative attention she received from the media and online as a result of her food-tampering has affected her ability to get a job. This is something that, presumably, will not be helped by launching a frivolous lawsuit against the victims of her crime. 

Tatyana intends to represent herself in court. Probably best not to waste money on a lawyer for this one, eh?

Cry-Baby #2: Leah Mackay

The incident: A woman was asked to calm down after shouting obscenities on a bus. 

The appropriate response: Realizing you're being a dick and shutting up.

The actual response: She attacked three small children.

On Thursday of last week, 44-year-old Leah Mackay boarded a bus in Langley, Canada.

Leah allegedly got into an argument with the bus driver after refusing to pay her fare. According to onlookers, she was swearing and shouting.

An unnamed mother of three reportedly stepped in and asked Leah to calm down. 

Leah opted not to take the mother's advice, and decided instead to (allegedly) say, "I don't give a fuck about your kids. I'm going to kill them and kill you and spit on their graves." Which is the exact opposite of calming down.

According to one witness, Leah then threw a cup of coffee at the woman's youngest child, which is less than one year old.

In video of what happened next (which is embedded above) the mother of the children can be seen repeatedly punching the coffee-thrower in the face while screaming "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH MY KIDS!"—which may be the first time an appropriate reaction has ever been featured in this column.

The mother is reported to have exited the bus with Leah following her. 

According to police, Leah then took out a knife before shoving the woman's four-year-old daughter and kicking her two-year-old daughter in the back. 

Police were notified and arrested Leah at her home. She is being held on multiple charges. None of the children she allegedly attacked were seriously injured. 

Which of these Canadian ladies is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll right here:

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: A woman who called in a bomb threat so she wouldn't get caught lying vs. a woman who threatened to shoot up a Burger King over a Cinnabon.

Winner: The bomb-threat girl!!!

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America, meet your new queen: her name is Julia Collins, and if she wins her 20th consecutive round of Jeopardy tonight, she'll sit alone as the second-winningest player in Jeopardy history.

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This week, 281 smartie pantses (I'm sure one of them knows how to properly pluralize that) between the ages of 8 and 15 from across the country competed in the rounds leading up to the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Here are some of their adorable, smart faces.

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Chicago Cards and Chicago Card Plus will go the way of the Dodo and the Edsel Sunday. [ more › ]

A California family visiting the popular tourist attraction The Ledge on Wednesday night experienced what for many would be nightmare fuel when the glass box they were standing in started cracking and shattered, 103 floors above ground level. [ more › ]

The New Yorker and First We Feast each has an account of a talk given by NYU professor George Solt, who presented some of his research on the history of ramen.

World War II all but destroyed ramen's first wave of popularity. Thanks to food shortages and famine, the government placed tight regulations on food supplies, and earning a profit via restaurants or pushcarts was strictly prohibited until 1949. Some wheat flour made it onto the black market, though, and many of the country's unemployed turned to hawking ramen. Which means, Solt points out, that selling future all-nighter fuel could and did land people in jail.

Holt is the author of The Untold History of Ramen: How Political Crisis in Japan Spawned a Global Food Craze.

Tags: food   George Solt   Japan   ramen

What happens now?

A Denver man caught on camera trying to ditch his dog at a local shelter was cited for animal cruelty on Wednesday.

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Maya Angelou, Poet, Author, Civil Rights Activist, And—Holy Cow—Tony Award–Nominated Actress, College Professor, Magazine Editor, Streetcar Conductor—Really? Streetcar Conductor? Wow—Calypso Singer, Nightclub Performer, And Foreign Journalist, Dead At 86

Of all the dimwitted leaking anal polyps rushing to write nine million words this weekend about Friday night’s terrible murder spree, of all the jabbering imbeciles determined to scream that “Guns don’t kill people!” and “Should we ban knives too, libtard?” and “My freedoms, you shall not take them!”, you know what washed-up cultural figure we most anxiously hoped would weigh in? No, not Sarah, Snow Queen of the Tundra. Obviously we were waiting to hear from Samuel Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the Not-Plumber, who took to his website to hunt and peck the letters he needed for words to compose this masterpiece.

Joe was specifically peeved at Richard Martinez, whose son Christopher was among the dead. Martinez made a couple of appearances on television this weekend to lambaste “craven, irresponsible politicians and the N.R.A.” and the “rudderless bunch of idiots in Congress” who could have stepped up to the plate after Sandy Hook – or Aurora, or Tucson, or really at any time – and passed some gun control laws that might prevent more people from needlessly dying because they are unlucky enough to live in a country with too many angry paranoids who think the Founding Fathers would be most put out if they couldn’t own as many semi-automatic rifles as they can fit in their garage.

Sayeth Joe to the parents of the dead kids:

I am sorry you lost your child. I myself have a son and daughter and the one thing I never want to go through, is what you are going through now. But:

As harsh as this sounds – your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.

Yr Wonkette is of the opinion that after a tragedy like this, it would behoove all the Second Amendment fetishists to do one simple thing: shut the fuck up. Seriously, just shut the fuck up for a while. No one is planning on taking away your precious, precious penis substitutes. You will still have plenty of guns to fondle so you can feel like the big, macho alpha males you are. You will still have them long after Richard Martinez has buried his dead 20-year-old son and disappeared from your sight.

Because this is the world you have made for the rest of us by falling for all the paranoid garbage Wayne LaPierre spews so you will stay frightened enough to keep his clients rolling in dough by buying their weapons. But all those precious, precious penis substitutes should not and do not insulate you from having to hear the angry words of the grieving parents of the dead kids, or of those of us who are fed up with living in a society patrolled by you angry, heavily armed lunatics who have convinced yourselves and a lot of other people that there is no problem so terrible, no issue so knotty, that it cannot be solved by picking up a gun.

Having to listen to people pissed off at the damage guns do to our country is the price you have to pay in order to own that AR-15 you keep under your bed and the Glock you must have on your hip every time you leave your house so you can go all Rambo on anyone who steps to you, tough guy.

Also, this:

We still have the Right to Bear Arms and I intend to continue to speak out for that right, and against those who would restrict it – even in the face of this horrible incident by this sad and insane individual. I almost said “Obama Voter” but I’m waiting for it to be official.

Taking a cheap shot at Obama supporters before the blood has been hosed off of Isla Vista’s streets? (And Joe was far from the only wingnut doing so this weekend.) Nice.

Go fuck yourself, Joe.

[JoeForAmerica]

 

FOUND by Cara; Indiana University, Bloomington Campus.

“I found this eight years ago in my dorm room my freshman year of college, stuck between my desk and my wall. It’s actually a magnet that someone appears to have put some crafty effort in to, on behalf of their parents. Of course, it’s been collaged with a post card, a photograph, text, and a TON of glitter glue. I’m not usually one for keepsakes or souvenirs, but this has been on my refrigerator holding up various christmas cards and wedding invitations ever since. I frequently have to explain to people who come to my apartment that these are not my parents, and actually I have no idea who they are.” -Cara

“Soccer is being haunted by ghosts” is easily the most important sports story of 2014. Just last month a ghost ran through the stands during a Bolivian soccer match, causing mass hysteria and arguments about how shadows work.

Now the ghost of Pelé is getting onto the FIELD, as seen in this clip from a German match. Yes, Pelé can be alive and still have a ghost. You don’t know how ghosts work. For more information, the YouTube description:

Ghost at Match of Borussia Dortmund vs Bayern Munich 0-2 !! | Is this real !!! Unbelievable!!

ATTN: film executives
RE: me writing a film about a team of soccer ghosts who get underestimated because they’re dead but end up winning the big game

Let me do that.

Filed under: Media, Sports, Web Culture Tagged: GERMANY, GHOSTS, REASONS TO HATE SOCCER, SOCCER

Though there were certainly reports of shots fired, the last recorded murder was Thursday evening, and police told ABC 7 Chicago no one had been shot since late Friday evening. [ more › ]

It’s pretty nice to know that in the midst of tragedy, some people cling to what’s really important, like ranting about how Barack Obama has ruined America. Meet an unidentified media hero in Carlsbad, California, who took the opportunity to tell a local reporter what gives him the strength to go on after his house was destroyed by a wildfire: the knowledge that, bad as it is, “the last five years under Obama has been worse than this.” Dude waited ALL DAY to get in front of a camera to say that.

This firebagger gentleman clearly hopes to be the next Cliven Bundy, with his tale of how he saved his garage with a free market garden hose, while the government firefighters didn’t adequately protect his house, and only started a firebreak a little ways after his residence. “Actually, I believe I was targeted,” he adds, and the poor reporter has no freaking idea what to do with him. “You think it was arson?” “Yes.” And also, we’re pretty sure he thinks the fire department deliberately let his house burn, possibly because he is a free patriot who opposes the Kenyan Usurper.

Yes, we know some of you don’t do video, but you need to see this genius:

We especially love the befuddled reporter’s attempt to shift back to a more familiar news script as he tosses back to the newsroom. That boilerplate line “These kinds of situations seem to bring out the best in people” is just a thing of unintentional beauty.

Obamanation Tank Top Guy for County Supervisor!

[Fox5 San Diego]

Whoa…Memorial Day weekend sneaked up on me! What about you?

In preparation for a summer filled with barbecues and get-togethers, I wanted to share this gorgeous drink recipe, which I included in the Fourth of July section of my holiday cookbook. It’s precious and pink, and is so delicious and refreshing, it should be illegal. It’s almost too adorable to eat. I mean drink. I mean both!

Most of all, it’s super fun…and it just screams summer.

Here’s how to make it!

(Note: I make a pretty big quantity below…but it can easily be halved!)

 
Seedless watermelons are the way to go with sangrias! Going around the watermelon, slice off a 2-inch slab, making sure you have plenty of red fruit attached to the green rind.

 
 
 
Slice the rind into thick strips…

 
 
 
And cut the strips into chunks.

 
 
 
Basically, you want chunks of rind with a nice bite of fruit attached!

 
 
 
Keep going until all the rind is diced up…

 
 
 
And throw the chunks into a big vat. (Just make sure it can fit in your fridge!)

 
 
 
Next, pour in the wine. I used rosé, but you could also use any white wine you want. It’s best if it’s chilled, but this is going into the fridge anyway, so if it’s not…no biggie.

 
 
 
Just keep pouring in the wine…

 
 
 
Then stick the container in the fridge and chill it for several hours. 6 minimum, more if you can.

 
 
 
Then, just before serving, pour in a bottle (or two!) of chilled Champagne, sparkling wine, or, if you want something a little sweeter, moscato.

Yum.

(You can also sweeten the sangria by adding a simple syrup: sugar dissolved in equal parts water.)

 
 
 
Serve the icy cold sangria in wine glasses…and use tongs to stick a piece of watermelon in each one, if you like.

(And be sure to snack on the watermelon as the party progresses. Yum!)

Have a very happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone!

[Photograph: Erin Kunkel]

Like son-in-law eggs, this "crying tiger" dish of grilled steak with spicy tomato sauce has a mysterious name. No one really knows if the tiger is crying because the steaks are good or bad, or if the sauce is just so spicy that it generates tears. I'm inclined to believe the latter, because if you're grilling rib-eye, it'd be a shame to serve it tough. Leela Punyaratabandhu doesn't take a stance on the name in her new cookbook, Simple Thai Food, but she does present a killer recipe for roasted tomato dipping sauce to go with the steak. Thick with cherry tomatoes, shallots, and garlic, the sauce takes a decidedly Thai turn with a generous pour of fish sauce and a big squeeze of lime juice. Sugar and a whopping 2 tablespoons of red pepper flakes bring the sweetness and the spice for a sauce that's just as good with cucumber slices as is it steak slivers.

Why I picked this recipe: Grilled steak is one of the first dishes I hanker for when the weather turns warm.

What worked: This spicy and tart tomato relish is a great match for rich rib-eye.

What didn't: If you have a below-oven broiler, you will likely not be able to soften the shallot before totally incinerating the exterior. Next time, I'd move the tray of vegetables into the still-warm oven to soften after charring them.

Suggested tweaks: I couldn't find sawtooth coriander, and I thought the sauce was just fine without it. I had a hard time breaking apart the shallot using a spoon, so I transferred the sauce-making to my mortar and pestle. It worked great. I cooked the steak indoors in a cast iron skillet and used the "flip-every-30-seconds" method, which I prefer to Punyaratabandhu's. I also cooked the steaks to 125 degrees instead of 140.

As always with our Cook the Book feature, we have five (5) copies of Simple Thai Food to give away this week.

Get the Recipe!

After a life-threatening bout of preeclampsia in 2010, followed by a miscarriage at 19 weeks in 2011, this has been the longest stretch of time that Michelle Duggar has been not-pregnant in 27 years. So the 47-year-old went to a high-risk pregnancy doctor to see if she's able to have any more kids.

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As many as 5,000 people may have passed recently through a Missouri restaurant where an employee with hepatitis A worked while possibly contagious, health officials said Wednesday.

A restaurant owner in West Virginia responded to a customer's complaint that servers should "show more skin" in the absolute best possible way—by showing a photo of potato skins on their Facebook page and offering a special to benefit rape victims.

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