IKEA Monkey

This woman's name is so amazing I had to call the sheriff' s department to confirm.

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While bulletproof products are nothing new, in light of the numerous school shootings in recent years, there’s now a new market for such items. From bulletproof backpacks to the newest offering of bulletproof blankets, companies are now in the business of protecting children at the place where they’re supposed to be focused on learning.

A company called ProTecht (get it?) says its Bodyguard Blanket is made from the same materials used by the U.S. military, and is a product that was conceived after the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School as well as tornadoes in Oklahoma.

It doubles as either a shield against 90% of all weapons used in school shootings in the U.S. (according to the company), or as protection to “stop that blunt-force trauma when that rubble is falling down on a child,” reports the Oklahoman (via Buzzfeed).

The blanket comes with straps that fasten around wearers with a lightweight pad on the back that’s made from high-density plastic, the same kind used in ballistic armor. It also protects against nails, shards of metal or other sharp objects that might be flung about or shot at the user.

The company tested the blanket at a shooting range, standing up against a 12-gauge buckshot, a .22-caliber, and a 9 mm, as well as others.

The blankets come with a price tag of $1,000, and are meant to be stored in a classroom so kids can lock the door and put them on quickly.

“Instead of bending over and hoping for the best, they’re afforded an extra layer of protection,” ProTecht’s managing partner explains.

ProTecht is now encouraging school administrators to adopt the Bodyguard Blanket as part of their lockdown protocol.

“It’s just sad that we’ve come to this in society, but that’s where we are,” the managing partner said, referring to recent shootings. “This thing gives kids an option, an alternative that will give them an opportunity to survive.”

Oklahomans develop blanket to protect youngsters in tornadoes or shootings [The Oklahoman]

A bill to allow consumers to refinance their student loans to the rate currently being issued on new federal and private student loans succumbed to a painful death on the Senate floor Wednesday despite being championed by consumer advocates.

The Bank On Students Emergency Loan Refinancing Act, introduced in May by Sen. Elizabeth Warren, will not be moving on, Reuters reports.

“With this vote, we show the American people who we work for in the United States Senate: billionaires or students,” Warren said Wednesday.

According to Reuters the bill fell short of the 60 votes needed to end debate and move to a final vote.

The Act would have allowed federal and private student loan borrowers to refinance to rates set for first-time borrowers – approximately 3.86%.

That rate was set last summer by legislation that tied student loan interest rates to the yield rate on 10-year treasury bonds. While that change ensured that new borrowers are getting very accommodating interest rates, it didn’t do anything to deal with the more than 1 trillion dollars in student loan debt that is currently on the books for around 40 million Americans.

Consumer groups, including our colleagues at Consumers Union, urged legislators to pass the Act and save consumers billions of dollars.

Consumer Union senior policy counsel Pamela Banks and staff attorney Suzanne Martindale wrote a letter to Warren commending her efforts to help consumers and the economy as a whole.

“[The Act] will help borrowers pay down their loans faster and give them the chance to put the extra money they save each month toward purchases or investments that stimulate the economy,” they wrote.

Consumers Union estimates that approximately 40 million consumers currently have student loan debts totaling $1.2 trillion. The majority of outstanding student loans have interest rates fixed from the time they were taken out, and while market rates are historically low right now, at the time most were issued federal loan rates were at 6.8% or higher.

“Consumers with mortgages can refinance their loans, student loan borrowers deserve the same opportunity,” reads the statement from Consumers Union, which explains that the bill promotes “common sense solutions to the student debt crisis that will have a meaningful impact on the lives of millions.”

With one-in-three students loans considered delinquent and often affecting a student’s ability to make purchases in the future, the Act would have offered much needed reprieve for college students left with mountains of both federal and private student loans.

In order to refinance borrowers would have to be current on their loan payments and meet debt-to-income rations that would have been set by the Department of Education had the bill passed.

The bill encountered criticism early on when supporters were looking at how to finance such an endeavor. At the time the bill was introduced, Warren suggested funding could be found in the form of the estimated $66 million a GAO study found the government would make off federal student loans disbursed between 2007 and 2012.

“This is $66 billion on just the loans issued during that period. That is insane,” Warren told MassLive.com at the time. “This (bill) brings that down. Instead of taxing students who can’t afford to pay for college up front, it says we are investing in those students.”

In addition to refinancing student loans, the bill set forth a number of tax reforms intended to enact what is called the “Buffett Rule,” a reference to Warren Buffett’s statement that he shouldn’t pay lower taxes than his secretary.

The debt burden created by student loans seems to be at the forefront of legislators minds this year. In April, Sen. Sherrod Brown from Ohio gave new life to the 2013 Know Before You Owe Act, a bill that would require much fuller disclosures for private student loan terms and options.

Just this week, President Obama signed an executive order that expanded a federal loan forgiveness plan to 5 million additional consumers who borrowed before October 2007 or those who have not borrowed since October 2011. The Pay As You Earn program allows students who borrowed federal direct loans to cap their loan payments at 10% of their monthly incomes.

While the order could be considered a big win for consumers, as Consumerist reported in April the debt forgiven by government programs has added up more quickly than anticipated. At its current rate the Pay As You Earn plan is expected to reach $14 billion next year, exceeding government expectations by 90%.

U.S. student loan refinancing bill fails Senate hurdle [Reuters]

Until May 21, Eric Cantor's campaign had raised $5,447,290 and spent $5,026,626. His rival Dave Brat raised a total of $206,663.

Remember a few months ago when Andrew Breitbart’s website for angry neckbeards launched Breitbart California? And they kicked off the launch with some cool edgy posters of Nancy Pelosi’s face on Miley Cyrus’s body? And then there were the Abortion Barbie Wendy Davis posters, which totally made us want an Abortion Barbie?

The artistic genius behind those posters is a perpetual darling of the right, an anonymous street artist named Sabo, a dude who is basically a dime-store Banksy, if Bansky was a super racist homophobe. Glenn Beck had this toolshed on his pretend internet teevee show on Monday, mainly so that Beck and Sabo could sit around, chill, kick it, and ask the hard questions, like “why can’t we just say n*gger all the time like we want to?” Deep, man, deep.

Who are we kidding? That doesn’t even BEGIN to cover the depths of stupid contained in this six-minute segment.

OK first, this dude Sabo has his face blurred out the entire time, as if an entire nation is clamoring to know who makes these shitty photoshop posters of his. Next, he is chock full of wisdom about the n-word, with observations like about how his stepdad called him little n*gger and he called said stepdad big n*gger, but it’s cool, because they were a working class family. Wait, what?

Sabo then went on to drop some mad science about how he was at a Prop 8 rally, and some of the gays were making a poster that said “f*gs are the new n*iggers” and he asked the gentlemen about it, and they explained that the gays had supported Bamz, but felt unsupported by the black community in return. Now, there’s a whole lot of many words to be said about whether or not this is an appropriate political stance and whether you can reclaim a cultural slur while slurring another culture (prolly not, actually!), and whether or not this is indicative of intra-left tensions and blah blah blah.

Sabo does not appear to have absorbed any of this or given it any thought whatsoever, really. All he really got from the convo was that he should make a shitty poster with two slurs in one.

Are you riveted by that art all up in your face? Shocked? OK, how about confused? Let’s go with confused. Dude, when you do not like gay people or black people, it isn’t edgy or transgressive to slur them both in one fell swoop (or even separately, whatevs). You are not fighting the power, even if Glenn Beck is pretty sure you’re a goddamn hero because you are fighting the thought police.

It astounds me that the people who, my whole life, have accused me and people like me of being a Nazi, of trying to stifle speech and everything else – I don’t care what you’re saying. It doesn’t bother me. It’s not going to make me cower in fear and run away crying. However, they have now stifled everyone’s speech to the point to where we’re now getting down to thought police.

Hey you guys! Glenn Beck will not be cowed, Glenn Beck will not shed tears, if you call him a slur normally reserved for black people or for gay people, because Glenn Beck is a big strong man. Also too probably because Glenn Beck is neither gay nor black.

What fortitude you have, Glenn.

But enough about Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck looks like Noam fucking Chomsky next to Sabo, who tells us that “whites in general have been beat down so much” and then goes on to keep flapping his big blurry lips about how Bamz is just like Hitler, which he can totally say because 80% of his friends are Jews.

Does anyone who isn’t a fucking asshole keep a running percentage breakdown of the various ethnic, religious, and sexual persuasions of their friends? NOPE. It’s like a giant warning sign: HERE BE BIGOTS. Maybe that can be Sabo’s next poster.

[Media Matters]

Yesterday morning, a gunman opened fire at a high school in Troutdale, Oregon, killing one and injuring many. This marks the 74th school shooting to occur in the United States since 26 people (20 of them children) were murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School on December 14, 2012 in Newtown, CT. The average number of school shootings in America, according to data collected by Everytown for Gun Safety, is now 1.37 per week.

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Personally, I love shoveling piles and piles of garlic into anything I cook because it’s basically the ingredient of the gods — aromatic and tasty, it makes any dish taste better. I know plenty of other people out there share that love, but there’s another thing garlic lovers share: A hatred of the resulting deathbreath that makes you want to never speak to another human again for fear of killing them with a whiff of it. So how can something so tasty cause such a stink?

Beyond the culinary world, health experts have also long touted the benefits of garlic for things like helping high blood pressure and heart disease. If it’s so good for you, why does it turn into a stink bomb in your mouth?

According to a new video from the American Chemical Society’s Compound Interest blog (via Time.com) it can be chalked up to four major organic compounds that are only found in garlic when it’s chopped or crushed: diallyl disulfide, allyl methyl sulfide, allyl mercaptan and allyl methyl disulfide.

Allyl methyl sulfide is the worst of the bunch, as it takes a long time to break down in your body after you’ve chowed on garlic. Brushing your teeth won’t help and neither will rinsing out your mouth, that’s how pungent it is.

You can try to combat the smell of death breath by chewing on parsley or guzzling a glass of milk, the ACS suggests. Or do what I do, which is refuse to have contact with other humans until there are no more odors emanating from my mouth.

In a stunning upset, Rep. Eric Cantor, the second-highest ranking Republican in the House, lost his primary challenge to a tea party-backed candidate.

We don’t know what to say about the tragic shooting in Troutdale, Oregon, or the tragic shooting in Vegas, or the tragic shooting in this town or that town or this state or that state. Perhaps there’s no point in words at a time like this, a time when we’re so gun-weary as a nation that these sorts of incidents are beginning to seem commonplace to some of us. The brilliant site FotoMofo was kind enough to let us know about this stunning series of portraits by Belgian photographer An-Sofie Kesteleyn, who is based in the Netherlands but traveled to the United States to photograph children with real guns marketed to them. She was moved to do so after learning of the death of a two-year-old child, shot by her five-year-old brother, in Kentucky. READ MORE AT HAPPY NICE TIMES PEOPLE…

Roman Catholic Archbishop Robert Carlson was the chancellor of the Twin Cities archdiocese in the 1980s when allegations of sexual abuse came to light.

   Fair to assume they’re all in Stella McCartney, right? I mean, if I were Stella, I might not WANT anyone to assume that, but then again, if she made it, she has to stick by it. Read More ...

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: An Unnamed English Woman

The incident: A woman felt her ice cream cone didn't have enough sprinkles on it.

The appropriate response: Arguing with the guy who applied the sprinkles. Or shutting up. 

The actual response: She called the police.

Earlier this week, West Midlands police in England released recordings of several ridiculous calls that have been made to their 999 emergency line. 

Among them was a call from a woman complaining about an ice cream she'd just purchased. 

The call starts with the unnamed woman explaining, "I'm at an ice cream van, and I've ordered an ice cream... And the person has basically given me an ice cream and he's put bits on one side and none on the other." Most media outlets are assuming that the "bits" she refers to during the call are sprinkles.

"I've asked him, 'Can I have my money back? You can keep the ice cream," she goes on. "And he's refusing to give my money back, saying I've got to take it like that."

The 999 operator who took the call explained to the woman that she definitely should not be calling the police about this. "It's not really a police matter, it's a civil matter," she tells the woman. "You need to speak to the Citizen's Advice Bureau or Trading Standards—his is a 999 life-or-death emergency line."

The Daily Mail reports that West Midlands emergency services have also received calls from a woman reporting a rat in her kitchen, a man who was unhappy with the way a prostitute he'd hired looked, and a man who found a hair in his food at a restaurant.

Cry-Baby #2: The American Family Association

The incident: The US Post Service released a postage stamp to honor Harvey Milk.

The appropriate response: Nothing. 

The actual response: The American Family Association urged people to reject mail that has the stamp on it.

Back in April, the US Post Office announced it was launching a new stamp featuring an image of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay person to be elected to public office in California.  

In response to this, the American Family Association (AFA) sent out a press release announcing that they are boycotting the stamp. 

The AFA is a group that refers to itself as a "non-profit organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values." Lots of other people, like the Southern Poverty Law Center, refer to it as "an anti-gay hate group."

Whereas, usually, taking part in one of their homophobic boycotts would be as simple as not watching The Ellen DeGeneres Show or refusing to shop in whatever chain store is using a gay couple in their advertising that month, boycotting a stamp becomes complicated because you can't control when one is sent to you. 

So to get around that, the AFA are suggesting you reject any mail you get with the tainted, homosexual stamp. "Refuse to accept mail at your home or business if it is postmarked with the Harvey Milk stamp," they wrote on their website. "Simply write 'Return to Sender' on the envelope and tell your postman you won’t accept it."

Their press release goes on to attempt to discredit Milk, whom they refer to as "a very disreputable man [who] used his charm and power to prey on young boys with emotional problems and drug addiction," as well as Nicole Murray-Ramirez, whose letter writing campaign was responsible for the stamp and whom they call "a former transsexual prostitute."

Presumably the boycott will have the same effect as their previous boycotts against companies like Chevrolet, Home Depot, McDonald's, and Radio Shack (i.e., fuck all).

Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: A woman who is suing the victim of her crime because being prosecuted made her look bad vs. a woman who allegedly attacked a baby because someone asked her to calm down.

Winner: The (alleged) baby attacker!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

A U.S. Navy fighter jet crashed into the water off Southern California while approaching an aircraft carrier Wednesday night, the Navy said.

We’ve all been pretty busy trying to sort out the election drama in Mississippi, where we still don’t know whether human stain Chris McDaniel or angry great-grandpa Thad Cochran will be the Republican standard-bearer, but we really shouldn’t sleep on the Republicans in South Dakota, because stuff is getting plenty weird there. Witness poor poor Annette Bosworth, who started Wednesday by learning she’d lost her primary race from Megyn Kelly on national teevee and ended Wednesday arrested for perjury and election fraud. Heckuva day, Annette!

Bosworth, who ran in the Republican primary for Senate in South Dakota went on Fox News to find a sympathetic ear for her wah wah wahhing about how mean liberals SO MEAN to conservative ladies, but things got awkward right from the start when Kelly kicked off the segment with the breaking news that Mike Rounds, former South Dakota governor, had prevailed in the GOP primary and would go on to the general.

“That’s news to me. I didn’t know that. I found out on national television,” she said.

“I’m sorry to break the news to you,” Kelly said.

Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark, and you can already see the perma-sulk setting in on Bosworth’s face as she takes in the news. But at least humiliation can fade away. Arrest records are kinda forever, and now Annette Bosworth has her very own.

South Dakota authorities on Wednesday arrested former U.S. Senate candidate Annette Bosworth, alleging she fraudulently attested to gathering voter signatures when she was really on a Christian mission trip to the Philippines.

South Dakota Attorney General Marty Jackley charged Dr. Bosworth with six counts of perjury and six counts of filing false documents related to election campaign laws. [...] State Division of Criminal Investigation agent Bryan Gortmaker alleged, in an arrest affidavit, that Dr. Bosworth attested to personally gathering signatures in January when she was in fact serving on a publicized medical mission trip in the Philippines. She also attested to gathering signatures on some Hutterite colonies, but residents interviewed said the documents weren’t signed in front of Dr. Bosworth[.]

Bosworth’s defense/explanation is, of course, that this is all part of a nefarious plot by fellow Republican Mike Rounds and also too she didn’t even need those stupid signatures, jerks, and they weren’t fake because she didn’t mean any harm, nuh-uh.

Dr. Bosworth called the charges “a political intimidation scheme” against her by Mr. Jackley, who was initially appointed to his position by former Gov. Mike Rounds. [...]

“We still believe this is a political persecution,” Dr. Bosworth said in a prepared statement. [...]

Dr. Bosworth said she had hundreds more signatures than were needed to get on the primary ballot, and the validity of those signatures isn’t in question.

“Simply put, there was no criminal intent to deceive, nor was there any reason to,” she said.

Annette Bosworth may have lost her primary, but she’s already a winner at mastering the non-denial denial. We see a big future in Republican politics for this little lady.

[HuffPo/WSJ]

Can't handle your booze, ladies? (Of course you can't.) Then Brooklyn's Los Politos III restaurant has a paternalistic hand on your back. They created separate cocktail menus for men and girls. And according to them, women can only handle Bailey's, Alize, Kahlua and Cream, or "Glass of Wine."

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Remember when history’s greatest and most pervasive monsters, the New Black Panther Party, showed up with a whopping two dudes or so in Philly in 2008 and stood around intimidating little old white ladies by holding doors open for them and everyone over at The Daily Blaze Glenn Caller Beck Show whined all the whines in the world? We’d so like to line up those crybabies to chat a wee bit about yesterday’s voting in Alabama, which was basically nothing but GunNutPalooza, with living stereotypes demanding to tote their guns from the pickup truck to the voting booth like Jesus and America said they could, and then wailing SO HARD if they couldn’t.

First up, beautiful (maybe? fuck if we know) Chambers County, where “a couple” people cried to the sheriff’s department about how if they couldn’t bring guns to the polling place, the world would spin off its axis, which prompted the sheriff’s office to issue this really clear clarification.

After receiving a couple complaints about the firearm prohibition at polling places, Sheriff Sid Lockhart and Judge Brandy Clark Easlick met and reviewed the source. A memo was sent out by the Alabama Sheriff’s Association stating that Probate Judges should post these notices in accordance with 13A-11-61.2(6)(C) Code of Alabama. After reviewing this statute, Sheriff Lockhart and Judge Easlick were in agreement that this statute did not apply to polling places. They have ordered that the signs and restrictions be removed. However, voters are reminded that no weapons are allowed in the Courthouse or schools. We apologize for any inconvenience that may have caused.

Thanks for that information, Chambers County. We think we can now bring our guns to polling places that aren’t schools or the court. Or maybe we can bring our guns everywhere? Or nowhere? We’ll probably just bring a gun. Or two. Or ten.

Didja vote in a church? Prolly shoulda brought your gun.

This afternoon in Pelham, a report surfaced of a man wearing a shirt that stated “Bama Carry” wanting to bring a firearm into the Pelham First Baptist Church Annex on U.S. Highway 31. The man had a camera phone displayed and was recording his experience, a witness told AL.com.

Can we just say everybody, knock it the fuck off with your documenting your voting experience via camera. Nobody cares, baby. Nobody needs to see your ballot. Nobody needs to see you make your stand. No one needs to see how stupid you look in your “‘Bama Carry” shirt.

Also, we know you are all Rambo and shit, but you honest to god do not need the extra clip, big shooter.

John David Murphy wore his holstered 9 mm handgun and two ammunition clips into First United Methodist Church of Alabaster when he went to vote in the Republican primary Tuesday.

The church, like other precincts, had a sign in the door saying firearms are prohibited. But Murphy argued with a poll worker that his constitutional right to openly carry a weapon trumps a state law allowing guns in public places unless a sign is posted.

So wait. Jesus says he doesn’t like your guns, but ‘Merica needs you to have all the guns, all the time. Who do you believe?

Fuck it. We believe in America. We’re just gonna buy a gun every day until November so that we’re totally ready for the midterm elections.

[Chambers County Sheriff's Department/AL.com/ABC]

While there’s no reason you can’t order whatever you want off a given menu — unless you are trying to order a kids’ meal and aren’t an actual child, in which case you could run into some issues — one Brooklyn Mexican restaurant has a helpful guide for those who might not know which part of the menu you should be looking at. Namely, there are the drink categories “For Everyone,” “For Kids,” “For Men” and “For Ladies.”

Yes, a cocktail menu organized by gender, as DNAInfo reports (h/t Eater), because as everyone wearing their sarcasm hat knows, women don’t like overly boozy drinks. Also, sweet stuff!

Ladies, you’ll pay less for your “light alcohol” drinks with wine and Alize (16-20% alcohol, respectively) at $7 a pop, while those hard-swilling menfolk will have to reach deep and plunk down $10 for their Tequilla Cadillacs with 80 proof Grand Marnier.

Now before everyone gets totally cranky about what would appear to be a blatant stereotype (wait — is it too late for that?), the manager says it’s just supposed to be funny.

“The idea was to make people laugh,” he explained. “People get excited about the menu and have fun with it.”

But the bartender adds that the inspiration for the categories comes from his experience with the fairer sex, who are incredibly dainty and get all kinds of giggly after even just a sip of that devil water, I do declare.

Where was I? Yes, the bartender: “A lot of times ladies don’t like to have the strong stuff so this menu is for them,” he said. “The drinks for women are sweeter with less alcohol.”

Apparently your gender won’t dictate whether or not you like mojitos and Mai Tais, because those have a spot in the “For Everyone.”

But again, “Anyone can order anything,” the bartender explained. Thank goodness.

Is it hot in here or is my sarcasm hat just a bit too thick for this warm June weather we’ve been having?

Brooklyn Restaurant Has Separate, Less Boozy Drinks Menu ‘For Ladies’ [DNAInfo]

Like this entry? Favorite it below!

Name:

Laura

Location:

Chicago, IL

Square Feet:

956

Division:

Small

What I Love About My Small Home:

There are many things I love about my space and the building, which has been around for over a century in a historic printing district. I love bringing my passion for history into my home by designing with a variety of elements from different eras. Many of my favorite pieces have been handed down or found at yard sales, and I like finding ways to showcase them. I also love the large windows that fill the living space with afternoon and evening light and provide a great view of weather activity. I do everything I can to highlight the view, including wall colors that are based on an evening palette. I love that the amount of light has been conducive to raising a small apartment garden for fresh herbs. The layout of this space has made it easy for me to express my simple aesthetic.

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We suppose we can’t really begrudge has-been wingnut idiot and failed 2010 Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell for kicking off her new Washington Times column with yet another variation on the one thing she’s actually known for, that dumb “I’m Not a Witch” ad. Hell, if Bill “Ray J. Johnson” Saluga made a standup career out of one stupid line, why not? And so here is Christine O’Donnell, insisting yet again that once we get to know her, the smell of limeade belches and dirty socks will dissipate and we’ll like her really a lot:

After my speaking engagements, the comments I hear the most are some variation of, “You’re nothing like I thought you’d be! I can’t believe how much I agree with you,” or, even better, “I actually like you.” The first few times I heard these, I responded with a blank stare and muttered, “Umm, thank you?” while thinking to myself, “What the heck did he think I’d be like?” (Don’t answer that!)

Haha, get it? THAT is where you are supposed to answer “A witch!” and chuckle to yourself. Actually, what we expected was the blank stare, so good going with that.

So why has this undead eldritch horror been allowed to shamble onto the Op-Ed pages? For one thing, it’s pretty much an obligatory part of the rightwing welfare program for wingnut candidates — get your name mentioned enough in some election, and you’ve got a place for life on the lecture circuit and Fox, and you get a column in the Washington Times or, for fourth-tier losers, at WND. It’s just a perk of the job.

As for her personal goals as a columnist, O’Donnell is getting back to her roots as a moral scold:

Our country was founded on a simple set of ideas rooted in authentic freedom, not license, but true freedom. These ideas have been so over-complicated by precedent, amendments, and political correctness that it is going to take a radical reawakening of American ideals to get our country back on track. Each week, I plan to tackle these ideals one by one: What’s the difference between freedom and license, capitalism and benevolent capitalism? Is socialism really so bad if good people implement it? Why is the pursuit of “happiness” right up there with the right to life? Shouldn’t the Declaration say “pursuit of peace” or do we all have the right to pursue pleasure, whatever that means to us?

And then after her first three columns, she’ll punt. She’s so rarin’ to go that she takes on these questions right away: Socialism can never be good, and “pursuit of happiness” doesn’t mean you get to just go smooshing your naughtyparts up against anyone you want to:

When I would speak to audiences about the much needed radical reawakening of America’s founding, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone asked me about “happiness” and probably would use Benjamin Franklin’s alleged pursuit as an example. So, I prepared myself and did some studying.

What I discovered is that the word “happiness” is not some random concept thrown into our Declaration of Independence, but rather authentic happiness was the key to our entire way of life in the nascent new world. Authentic is the operative word here. As Pope John Paul II defines it, authentic happiness is the state of being rooted in sacrificial love. And that, my friends, is the key to authentic freedom.

So don’t you go thinking that “pursuit of happiness” means you get to pursue what makes you “happy,” because you may have no idea at all of what happiness actually is, you chronic masturbator. Only “authentic” happiness, as defined by people who understand it PROPERLY, is actually enshrined in our national values. And so you’d better get ready to have a finger wagged at you. The betting line is now open on how many weeks it will be before she explains that the phrase “separation of church and state” isn’t in the Constitution. (Two. It will be two weeks.)

Ah, Christine. It’s like you never left.

Pity, that.

[Washington Times]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He’s not a witch, and please don’t call him Ray.

Oh, really? Then, congratulations, you just stabbed the ocean in the face. How do you sleep at night?!

Medically speaking, Gwyneth Paltrow is a pseudoscience queef menagerie of dumb. And I say that with no idea what those words even mean because this is The Internet where you can literally say whatever you want and somebody somewhere will believe it with almost deadly intensity. Which brings us to the latest issue of Goop where Gwyneth hails the work of Masaru Emoto, a man who apparently believes being mean to water will change its physical composition and/or straight up kill rice. Yup. Vox reports:

Japanese scientist, Masaru Emoto performed some of the most fascinating experiments on the effect that words have on energy in the 1990’s… In his experiments, Emoto poured pure water into vials labeled with negative phrases like “I hate you” or “fear.” After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallized under the microscope: It yielded gray, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like “I Love You,” or “Peace” on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.

And here’s what actual scientists think about Captain WaterFeels:

Few scientists have tried to debunk his claims since they’re so self-evidently ridiculous. “Have I tried to reproduce Mr. Emoto’s experiments? No, and I don’t intend to,” writes Caltech physicist Kenneth Libbrecht, an expert on snow crystals. “As we liked to say back on the farm in North Dakota — it’s good to have an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out!” Libbrecht’s best guess — and the logical explanation for Emoto’s findings — is that he’s selecting pictures of crystals that fit his findings and rejecting those that don’t.

Keep in mind, Gwyneth is getting this shit from the guy who came up with conscious uncoupling because a commoner’s divorce is too good for her marriage, so you know she absolutely believes all of this and would apologize to toilets if she excreted waste like a normal person. Fortunately, it’s a fact that the upper echelon have evolved beyond defecating and have moved onto a process known colloquially as “shart cupping.” I’d get into it, but you’re poor.

Photos: FameFlynet

We are having one hell of a time keeping up with this internecine gun group warfare. It all started Monday, when the grandaddy of all gun-humpers, the NRA, asked some of the open carry folks to please chill because toting machine guns to TGIFriday’s was making the sheeple nervous. The open carry folks, of course, were having none of that, and called the NRA pussies or blew their heads off or however it is that gun nuts fight.

You’d hope that the slightly less-batshit NRA prevailed in this instance but hahaha of course not, because the NRA backed down, muttering “our bad” and trying not to make any sudden movements lest they be cut in half by an AK.

The National Rifle Association is walking back its statement criticizing gun activists who carry loaded assault weapons in public as a form of protest, with the NRA’s top lobbyist apologizing and calling the statement “a mistake.” [...]

The NRA’s top lobbyist, Chris Cox, appeared on the NRA’s radio show Cam & Company on June 3 to repudiate the NRA’s article criticizing the open carry movement. Cox said that the statement was “a mistake” and that “it shouldn’t have happened,” adding “our job is not to criticize the lawful behavior of fellow gun owners.” Cox also blamed the statement on a “staffer” who Cox said “expressed his personal opinion.”

We do wonder how it felt for the NRA, of all people, to be bullied by gun nuts. Medicine, taste, now.

No, really, how much do you think it sucked to be Chris Cox, overgroomed and overpaid NRA lobbyist, today? He had to be the guy that got tapped to go on radio and basically say “yeah, those 400-pound guys rocking tank tops and cargo pants and a gun slung across their back like they’re about to deploy to the Battle of Chipotleville — those guys are the real fucking ‘Merican heroes.”

You can tell Cox did not want to have to do this, because he sounds completely incoherent.

“It’s a distraction,” [...] “There was some confusion, we apologize, again, for any confusion that that post caused.”

Translation: we will say anything you want, you insane armed-to-the-teeth bunch of bubbas, if you will just stop sweating and getting gun grease and taco sauce all over this $2500 suit.

Can’t we just send all of these people off to an island where they can hunt each other? Seriously, we’ll pay full freight to get them gone.

[Media Matters/TPM]

We really shouldn’t be surprised that the following story happened in Florida, because we have read all the Carl Hiaasen books and we know that Florida courtrooms must be nothing but fever swamps of hostile weirdness, but this tale of the judge who tried to beat up a public defender — and then came back and finish out his daily docket — is weird even for Florida.

Did you watch the video? You should watch the video. That is some “Night Court” level buffoonery up in there, except that Judge Harry Stone would never be craven enough to punch a public defender. Basically, what you’re seeing is that the pugilistic judge, John Murphy, would like the public defender to waive his client’s right to a speedy trial. The PD does not wish to do so, and he does not have to SINCE THAT IS A FUCKING RIGHT. Full stop.

Really, there’s no more lawsplain-y type discussion to be had at that point, as far as the judge is concerned. The defendant has invoked his or her right to a speedy trial, and you, your Honor, set that thing for trial within the statutory limits. Even trying to talk the public defender out of it is pretty uncool. Trying to beat the living daylights out of the public defender? Definitely not cool.

“You know, if I had a rock I would throw it at you right now,” Murphy tells [Adam] Weinstock. “Stop pissing me off. Just sit down.”

“You know I’m the public defender. I have a right to be here and I have a right to stand and represent my client,” Weinstock said in the video. [...]

“If you want to fight, let’s go out back and I’ll just beat your ass,” Murphy tells Weinstock before the two head out of the courtroom.

We have to admit that we probably would have backed down after the part where the judge told us he’d like to hit us with a rock, and we definitely wouldn’t head out into the hallway with him where there are no cameras so he could beat us up offscrean. But Weinstock is made of sterner stuff than we are, or perhaps he’s just more trusting.

Weinstock’s supervisor [said] Weinstock thought they would just talk out the problem, but he said there were no words exchanged, just blows thrown by Murphy.

“The attorney said that immediately upon entering the hallway he was grabbed by the collar and began to be struck,” said Blaise Trettis, public defender of the 18th Judicial Court. “There was no discussion, no talk, not even time for anything. Just as soon as they’re in the hallway, the attorney was grabbed.”

The weirdest part? You can HEAR THE FIGHT in the courtroom. And when it’s done, the audience applauds. What. The Fuck. Perhaps they were afraid that if they didn’t, they were next on the judge’s boxing card?

Oh wait, that’s not the weirdest part. The weirdest part is that the judge comes back in like nothing happened.

After the confrontation, Murphy went back into court and finished ruling over first appearances.

“I will catch my breath eventually,” Murphy said. “Man, I’m an old man.”

Seriously, no fucks are given by that judge.

Oh wait. That’s not the weirdest part either. The weirdest part is how Time covered this like the public defender was also spoiling for a fight, instead of just being bullied by the judge.

It took less than 30 seconds for a public defender and a judge to take a courtroom dispute “out back” and settle the disagreement mano a mano.

Closed-circuit camera footage shows a debate about “docket sounding” escalating into openly stated desires to beat and bludgeon one another.

Did Time watch the same video we did? Sure looks like they did, because they embedded that fucker too. And there is no beat-y bludgeon-y language coming from the public defender unless you count “invoking your client’s constitutional rights” as a bludgeon, which maybe Time does.

You will be unsurprised to learn that Hizzoner Judge John Murphy will be attending anger management classes during his probably not really voluntary leave of absence. Maybe at least don’t let the guy have a gavel when he comes back?

[WFTV/Time/Florida Today]

Silly Patrick. It's too late for you now.http://patrickallan.kinja.com/blame-patrick-...

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