IKEA Monkey

Sometimes ten inches isn’t enough. For Billy-Tom O’Conner, he felt he needed more than his already sizable penis and bought some girth through penoplasty. It's all the rage in England.

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We gentle liberal souls are a simple lot, foolishly thinking that everyone wants to be nice and get along and braid each other’s hair while singing Indigo Girls songs about empowerment and shit. But it turns out that peace, love, and understanding are, in fact, pretty goddamned funny, and so sometimes the Manly Men who know that Diesel is Life need to remind us of that fact by blowing black sooty smoke into our Prius-driving faces. Or onto random pedestrians. Or just for the hell of it. The practice is colloquially known as “rollin’ coal,”* and the effect is achieved on the cheap by applying the throttle in a too-low gear, or if you want to really make a scene, by spending a few thousand bucks to modify a truck’s fuel system to dump excessive fuel into the cylinders, resulting in a nice black plume of sooty exhaust. It’s fuckin’ HILARIOUS, and it leaves wimpy liberal greenies just gibbering with impotent rage about “the environment,” which is just a lot of empty land that would best be used by leaving deep ruts in it.

It’s really a kind of genius way to turn technology into pure trolling, transportation into culture war, and air pollution into a political statement. Rollin’ coal gives environmentalists — and even better, the actual environment — a fossil-fuel wedgie.

Vocativ’s Elizabeth Kulze explains the craze:

The pollution pageantry has its origins in Truck Pulls, a rural motorsport where diesel pickups challenge one another to see who can pull a weighted sled the farthest. In order to have an edge, drivers started modifying their trucks to dump excessive fuel into the motor, which gave them more horsepower, torque, speed and a better chance of winning. It also made their trucks emit black smoke, an affectation that apparently won the hearts of country boys everywhere. Today kids will spend anywhere from $1,000 to $5,000 modifying their pickups for this sole purpose; adding smoke stacks and smoke switches (which trick the engine into thinking it needs more gas), or even revamping the entire fuel system.

Just look at the great fun to be had with big smoky trucks!

It’s annoying and loud and testosterone-drenched and pointless, so of course it’s everything an American man could want! And if it irritates you, that just proves what a greenie wuss you are, haw haw haw.

Aside from being macho, the rollin’ coal culture is also a renegade one. Kids make a point of blowing smoke back at pedestrians, in addition to cop cars and rice burners (Japanese-made sedans), which can make it dangerously difficult to see out of the windshield. Diesel soot can also be a great road rage weapon should some wimpy looking Honda Civic ever piss you off. “If someone makes you mad, you can just roll coal, and it makes you feel better sometimes,” says Ryan, a high school senior who works at the diesel garage with Robbie. “The other day I did it to this kid who was driving a Mustang with his windows down, and it was awesome.”

And sure, maybe particulates in diesel exhaust are among the deadlier forms of air pollution, and a chief driver of climate change, but that just makes it all the more fun to piss off those socialist wusses who think that climate change is even real.

One of the coal-rolling enthusiasts (we love using the prissiest language we can here) in Kulze’s profile doesn’t so much mind that it’s polluting and stupid and even dangerous to other people; if anything, those are features, not bugs, really:

“It’s bad for the environment. That’s definitely true,” says Ryan. “And some of the kids that have diesel trucks can look like tools. And you can cause a wreck, but everything else about it is pretty good.”

Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an entire subculture constructed around the ethos of a 1993 song by Denis Leary:

* Haha, “colloquial” is such a pussy word!

[Vocativ]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He’s finally rebuilding his 1973 Chevrolet, Vlad the Impala, and will unapologetically equip it with dual Flowmasters.

Boom!

In a yet another ruling that indicates that we'd enjoy better legal protection if we just incorporated our reproductive organs and sent them to murder civilians in Iraq, the Supreme Court has ruled that corporations that are "closely held" cannot be required to provide contraceptive coverage. Which means that under certain circumstances, it's officially okay, according to the highest court in the US, for a woman's boss to determine what sort of pregnancy prevention methods she can obtain with her compensation package. This is the most Monday Monday to ever have Mondayed. And it's not even 11 am.

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A larger than normal amount of snakes are turning up in a Naperville, Illinois, neighborhood. WBBM reports.

Pornburger recently created Bill U Murray Me?, a tribute burger to Bill Murray. So, as a burger dedicated to Bill Murray, it must consist of groundhog, or is topped with Stay-Puft Marshmallows then?

Nope… Pornburger just wanted to make a cheeseburger so mind-bendingly delicious-looking, that the immortal Bill Murray wouldn’t be able to resist the invitation to get together for a burger and beer. Pornburger… Please let us know if he shows up.

[link]

Before Shia LaBeouf was dragged out of a Broadway production of Cabaret in handcuffs and arrested for disruptive behavior, he was seen behaving extremely erratically in Times Square.

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It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Melissa Parsons

The incident: A park ranger danced while on the job.

The appropriate response: Smiling or cringing, depending on your age and if you're related to the park ranger. 

The actual response: A woman filmed him dancing, complained to his bosses that it was obscene, and got him fired.

Up until last week Deryl Nelson, a park ranger in Chattanooga, Tennessee, was known as "the dancing park ranger." He was known as this, obviously, because he would often dance while on duty.

His on duty dance sessions started about a year ago, when he joined a group of people who were in the park dancing to "The Macarena." People reacted well to it, so it became his "thing."

Earlier this month, Deryl was filmed dancing by a woman named Melissa Parsons. You can see parts of the video in the news clip above. If you're unable to watch the video, it shows a slightly-dorky middle aged man dancing like a drunk dad at a wedding.

Melissa said she filmed it because she and others were offended by Deryl's explicit moves. "As a parent and seeing all the parents that were covering their kids eyes and turning their heads away..." she told News Channel 9. "It wasn't something you would expect to see in Coolidge Park or anywhere from a grown man, especially a man in uniform."

"He went all the way down to the ground, he came back up from the ground, he was grabbing areas that you would see on a rated-R movie," she went on.

Melissa sent the video to the public works department, who fired Deryl. They listed "conduct unbecoming of an employee" and "inefficiency or negligence in performance of duties" as the reasons for his termination. 

After finding out that she'd gotten the man fired, News Channel 9 reports that Melissa said, "something needed to be done, whether it be fire him or reprimand him, but it was at the city's discretion to do so."

Cry-Baby #2: Joel Valerio 

Screencaps via CBS Boston

The incident: A man locked himself out of his car.

The appropriate response: Calling AAA or breaking a window or something. 

The actual response: After 911 operators refused to come and help him, he allegedly set fire to a bakery. 

Early last Tuesday morning, 24-year-old Joel Valerio locked himself out of his car in Leominster, Massachusetts. 

According to CBS Boston, he went to a nearby convenience store to ask for a hanger, which he attempted to use to get into the car. It didn't work. 

So Joel called 911 and asked them to help him out. As it's local policy to only help people who are locked out of their car in an emergency (like if a child is locked in the car), the operator told Joel that there was nothing they could do.

Security camera footage shows that Joel then spent a few hours wandering around the parking lot, stopping a couple of times to fish around in a dumpster. 

According to police, he then went behind a bakery and started a fire. Within 40 minutes, the building was completely engulfed in flames. 

"Our detective believes he was angry that police and fire wouldn't help him unlock his car and he set a fire because of that," said Lieutenant Michael Goldman of Leominster Police.

The bakery was seriously damaged and has had to close for business. Speaking to CBS, Bob Addonizio, the owner of the bakery said, "I've been born and brought up to respect people and all their property but apparently this gentleman did not care about me or my family or anyone else."

Nobody was injured in the fire.

Joel was charged with felony arson and is currently in police custody.

Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: A family who started a riot because they weren't allowed to take knives into an amusement park vs. a woman who kidnapped her daughter to stop her from being vaccinated

Winner: The knife family!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

That cackling you hear in the distance? Those are all the 13-year-old boys telling each other to try a big bite of these “Bisnuts.” Because yes, that is what Carl’s Jr. is calling its test of a biscuit-donut frankenfood. Bisnuts.

The chain is testing what appears to be a donut using its “Made from Scratch” biscuit dough, Brand Eating reports, and are about the same size as the Carl’s Jr. biscuit.

But then things get donutty with white or chocolate icing and rainbow sprinkles, with the whole shebang going for $0.99 each or two for $1.89. And only during breakfast hours, so be warned, late night snackers.

Thus far the bisnuts (giggle) are only being tested at certain Southern California locations, so keep your eyes peeled.

Oh cronut, what terror have ye wrought? Are we doomed to suffer the reign of the bisnuts, or is there yet a chance for some future relief from this terrifying landscape of monster food mashups with delightfully silly names? Bisnuts.

News: Carl’s Jr. Testing “Bisnuts” in Southern California [BrandEating.com]

Beginning in 1991, Zed Nelson took a photo of the same family (father, mother, and son) in front of the same backdrop every year for 21 years. Here's the first photo:

And the most recent one:

There are many more such projects, including the Goldberg family's annual portraits, Nicholas Nixon's annual portraits of The Brown Sisters, and Noah Kalina's Everyday.

Tags: photography   time   Zed Nelson

Ald. Scott Waguespack (32nd) would like to see a grocery store in the space. [ more › ]

For the last year, cutesy emporium Modcloth has been deliberately ramping up its plus-size offerings. Now they'd like everyone to know that yes, you can do a brisk business selling larger ladies clothing that isn't a poorly-made heap of polyester garbage.

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Mitt Romney says Clinton’s record as Secretary of State is the playbook for the GOP.

Hearty bean-based salads are one of my favorite dishes in the summertime. I grew up eating a corn and black bean version, but these days I'll throw just about any vegetable into a bowl with a can or two of beans and a tangy dressing and call it dinner. Read More

It's a Tuesday morning and the sun is shining so the time seems right to reduce women's presence in this world to a single body part or feature.

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Soccer fans eager to display their loyalty and love — often a newfound affection, right, America? — are going nuts for World Cup merchandise right about now, a fact any good souvenir company knows. But one British business apparently rushed past certain details on its mugs featuring members of the English national team: Funny how fullback Chris Smalling loooks exactly like U.S. President Barack Obama, isn’t it?

Yes, yes it is. The story being spun on Wholesale Clearance UK, which has listed the mugs for sale, is that Obama ended up as the Manchester United defender due to the mistake of a fresh-faced employee at the unnamed souvenir company, reports The Daily Mail.

“The apprentice claims that he used that well known search engine, Google, to source the pictures. The thing is he’s more of a rugby fan and not very clued up on football,” the description in its “teeny weeny backstory” section reads. “Suffice to say that when he Google image searched ‘Chris Smalling’ he copied the first picture he liked the look of and the result was that the President of the United States has ended up on an England cup instead of the English defender.”

Copied that photo and then outfitted it in an soccer jersey, which at least is the the actual English uniform. Goal!

“That’s bad news for the Boss of the Dorset company in question and his dithering apprentice – but it is great news for you!” the site explains, adding, “Who would ever believe that Barack Obama ever played for England?”

No one. No one would believe that. What you Google is not always what you get, kids. Keep that in mind.

Look who’s playing centre-Barack for England! World Cup mug manufacturer mistakes defender Chris Smalling for President Obama [The Daily Mail]

Shane is allegedly (allegedly) a Walmart deli worker with a penchant for pranks. These series of notes, which popped up on imgur last night are reported to be left by his frustrated (yet very lenient) managers, who are both frustrated with and clearly in love with the little scamp.

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Four year-old Abby Dean from Washington, Wisconsin ruined a plan to falsely accuse her black next door neighbor of robbing her house last Wednesday.

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Oh, hurrah, the goatz have struck again! For some while now, a clever fellow calling himself Busta Troll has made a hobby of rudely seizing control of egregiously rightwing Facebook pages and replacing their idiocy with pun-filled images of goats.

It would be inaccurate to call this “hacking,” since that actually requires playing dirty with computer code; no, this is far simpler. Busta Troll simply hangs out on a wingnut Facebook for a while, pretending to agree with them, and then asks for administrator privileges (which is ridiculously easy), so he too can post cool anti-Obama stuff there. And then after he takes over, GOATS! The latest victim: a page called “Bowe Bergdahl is NOT a hero.” It now offers a far more wholesome, goat-oriented discussion of L’affaire Bergdahl. For Goat Justice.

The other nice thing about Busta Troll’s method, of course, is that, like the old joke about every third Klansman being an FBI infiltrator, it sows paranoia among the people running rightwing Facebook pages. Who knows, they may even become a little less enthusiastic about posting hate-filled content. OK, so we’re dreamers.

That’ll do, Goatz. That’ll do.

What’s that, Goatz? You say you’ve also taken over a paranoid New World Order freakout page called “FEMA Exposed,” which until recently was dedicated to this pile of derp?

FEMA has been militarized by Obama and is mobilizing to re-educate Americans to blindly follow the doctrine of socialism and the religion of Islam.

Only now, it’s starting to look less like this…

and more like this:

Nicely played. Let the Goating commence.

[h/t wonket pal "Kay"]

It takes a special person to join Mensa.

A group of 50 security force personnel arrested Meriam Ibrahim during an angry confrontation at Sudan's main airport on Tuesday.

Last week, KFC was doing a lot of apologizing after the family of a little girl with facial scars claimed their daughter had been told to leave a KFC eatery in Mississippi because she was making other customers uncomfortable. A new report now says that no such incident occurred but the girl’s family is sticking by their original account of how things happened.

A report in the Laurel, MS, Leader-Call dubs the story a “Kentucky Fried Hoax,” citing anonymous sources who claim that the little girl — who is recovering from a vicious dog attack — can not be found on in-store video footage from the day on which the incident allegedly occurred. The sources also say there is no record of any order being placed that matches what the girl’s grandmother claimed to have ordered at the KFC during their visit.

Workers at KFC also tell the paper that they have never and would never ask someone to leave because of some scars and bandages on their face; not just because it’s rude, but because the store is located near the hospital and gets a lot of traffic from customers coming and going from treatment.

“We’ve had people come in who were shot in the face,” one source is quoted as saying. “We’ve had them with tubes and wire sticking out. We never have asked anyone to leave. There is a physically challenged person working in the Woodrow Wilson location and one of the other [KFC] managers has a child with Tourette’s Syndrome.”

In addition to the $30,000 that KFC has pledged to help with the young girl’s medical bills, the outpouring of public sympathy has resulted in more than $100,000 in donations and gifts.

Late last night, the Facebook page set up for the young girl’s cause posted an update denying the claims made in the Leader-Call story:

I promise its not a hoax, I never thought any of this would blow up the way it has. The article circling the web calling this a hoax is untrue. The article it self say the investigation is not complete. It is not over until KFC releases a statement. The media outlet running this story is not connected with KFC. The family has not asked for anything, a attorney is handling all the media publicity for the family pro bono. Please do not believe untrue media. I have personally watched this family go without to provide for Victoria. They have not and would not do anything to hurt Victoria in any way.

KFC is not commenting on the Leader-Call story, other than to say that its investigation is still pending. The family’s attorney says they have not decided whether they will accept the restaurant chain’s $30,000 offer.

According to anonymous sources, there is a mountain of evidence that proves the story of the three-year-old girl who was asked to leave a KFC because of her scars is a hoax.

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Gawker Little Girl Getting Kicked Out of KFC Was Reportedly a Huge Hoax | Jalopnik Volkswagen Once Tried To Kill A Journalist Because Of This Car | Jezebel Meet the Muscled Men Who Embrace Equal Opportunity Objectification | Kotaku The World Cup of Iffy Japanese and Chinese Tattoos

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Such is the strength of people's love for The Notebook that these 2010 engagement photos went viral again this past month.

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KHOU has the story of a Houston father-daughter duo who chased a group of burglars caught leaving their home.