IKEA Monkey

Two women will graduate the Army's famously punishing Rangers school, but the elite fighting force is still off limits to women. That could change.

Well that was fast! Late Wednesday, we learned that “family values” fuckstick Josh Duggar was one of the eleventy-million dudes (they are almost all dudes) who had accounts on the Ashley Madison website, we guess for the purposes of getting his dick wet in ladycaves what do not belong to his wife. This is very much a sin according to Leviticus 18, which you’d think he would have read at least once, considering how he and his family have been fighting their own low-rent version of the Crusades against LGBT people for all these years. Guess the only part of that passage that’s really important is verse 22, affectionately known by devout believers as “the one about buttsex.”

Read more on Josh Duggar Real Sorry Porn Demons Forced His Penis Into Strange Ladies…

The post Josh Duggar Real Sorry Porn Demons Forced His Penis Into Strange Ladies appeared first on Wonkette.

As we reported, John Cena was recently named an “Athlete Gone Good” for having granted nearly 500 wishes through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Well, this morning on Today, Cena officially crossed the 500 wishes barrier, something no other celebrity has come close to achieving.

Rocco Lanzer, 8, was diagnosed with leukemia earlier this year, which has kept him from kicking ass in Taekwondo or riding his scooter. Aw man, this is too sad already. Cena already visited Rocco in the hospital, but he “wasn’t feeling good,” so he didn’t get a chance to talk to Cena like he wanted to, and wished he could meet him again. Well, Rocco got his wish when Cena “surprised” him on The Today Show (Rocco’s a sharp kid, I think he suspected something was up).

I’ll admit, sometimes I’ve been a bit cynical about the Make-A-With thing, but all that evaporates when you actually see Cena with these kids. I can’t even imagine doing what John Cena’s done. How do you find the room in your heart for 500 sick kids who consider you their hero? How is he not emotionally destroyed at all times?

So, what does Cena do now that he’s granted 500 wishes? Start working on 1,000, of course.

“I’ll continue to be involved with Make-A-Wish as long as they’ll have me.”

I think they’ll let you stick around, John.

via Today News

A hypothetical rendering of the thing Glendon Scott Crawford wanted to build. Screenshot via ABC News

Glendon Scott Crawford was a man with a dream: He wanted to build a mobile radioactive ray gun to kill Muslims in the US.

One problem with that dream was the only people who offered to help him were FBI informants and undercover agents.

Crawford is currently being tried in federal court in New York State, and faces at least 15 years if found guilty of terrorism charges. On Tuesday the jury heard recordings of conversations between him and Chris Barker, the Imperial Wizard of the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and an FBI informant, who was taping the call.

"First, the Mexican invasion, now the Muslim invasion. They are trying to strike the death blow to American culture," Crawford tells Barker on one tape, as the Albany Times Union reported. "Technology is such that you can build a (device) and put it in the van... a couple of Klans, a couple of chapters, would have to get together."

Barker, as VICE has previously reported, is a rogue white supremacist with a long record that includes multiple DUI charges, numerous arrests for violence, and such a loathsome reputation that even other Klansman regularly denounce him. In fact, Barker was a key suspect in a 2011 defacing of a church, an incident that led to him getting kicked out of one Klan group. Yet the North Carolina man was a key component of an FBI investigation into Crawford, a complex operation that shows the drastic lengths the authorities will go to bring terrorism charges—even when their targets have little chance of following through on their hopeless plans without the financing, prompting, and encouragement of the FBI.

According to Crawford's defense attorney, the 51-year-old wasn't anywhere near creating the fantastical weapon of his dreams; all he had was a "piece of paper and an idea." (Crawford's alleged accomplice Eric Feight pled guilty in 2014 to providing material support for terrorism.) Federal agents have acknowledged in court that they didn't know whether Crawford was serious about his outlandish scheme at first—and in any case experts have said the ray gun would have been impractical even had it been constructed. Still, undercover FBI operatives kept stringing Crawford along, offering to buy him equipment so he would continue corresponding with them.

When asked by Crawford's lawyer whether the FBI encouraged Crawford to commit a crime, an agent answered, "I don't think encourage is the right word. We would allow him to do that."

On VICE News: The US Army's Top General Points a Spear at Russia

The authorities had been watching the would-be supervillain since 2012, when he approached the Israeli embassy in New York City, showed up at a synagogue and Jewish community center, and called his Congressman asking for support for his plan to build a deadly X-ray device. All contacted law enforcement. Later that year, he reached out to Barker with the idea that the KKK leader could help him.

Crawford emailed Barker, "unbeknownst to the government," according to the FBI, and the two began to collaborate. Barker became so involved that on July 27, 2012, Crawford told an undercover FBI agent he was in contact with to call Barker, according to emails obtained by VICE. "The knights [Barker's group] may have the resources to invest and bring the project to fulfillment," wrote Crawford.

Then, on August 7, Barker was arrested on unrelated federal charges of possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, according to Forsyth County, North Carolina, law enforcement officials and sources close to the investigation against Crawford.

Three days after he was arrested, he told the cops about Crawford's scheme. "While sitting in the can, on August 10 he called the FBI and sold the government this ridiculous story about how he had information of a plot with enough explosives in New Jersey to blow up New Jersey and New York together," said one source familiar with the case against Crawford.

On August 13, the same day he was released from federal custody, Barker, while wired up by the FBI, placed a call to Crawford, and invited him down to North Carolina. (According to the criminal complaint filed by FBI Special Agent Geoffrey Kent, Crawford made this trip "unsolicited and without any government role or direction.")

The two men met—while Barker was wearing a wire—on August 24. "Everything went well hope things are good on your end... great plan," Barker emailed Crawford on August 28. " Would love to see this once great nation in our hands again. Back in the hands of White Christian Americans just like our founding fathers planned it to be. Take care Brother keep in touch Hail Victory."

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Watch: The KKK and American Veterans

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In the following weeks, Barker recorded multiple conversations with Crawford, and then arranged for Crawford to meet with two men he said were wealthy KKK members who wanted to finance the nuclear weapons plot, but in fact were undercover FBI agents. In the following months the agents provided cash, bought components, and even constructed a fake terror device, according to court documents.

"Chris Barker gives the Klan a black eye." –KKK Leader Billy Snuffer

Barker apparently remains in the FBI's good graces, even though he is the chief suspect in the painting of a swastika on a synagogue in Southeastern Virginia in July 2011—a hate crime has gone curiously unpursued, according to local and federal law enforcement, KKK members, and synagogue officials.

On that Independence Day weekend, four members of the Rebel Brigades of the Ku Klux Klan attended a cross burning in rural southeastern Virginia, got drunk, drove to Danville, and desecrated the Beth Shalom Synagogue by painting a swastika on the front door.

Danville residents placed an American flag to obscure the vandalism, and local police opened a criminal investigation; the FBI was notified immediately that a hate crime had occurred.

"Chris Barker has been very high on the list of suspects for the synagogue incident since the get-go," said Danville police chief Philip Broadfoot in an interview in July.

Multiple Klan officials, others with knowledge of events that night, and four law enforcement officials confirmed to VICE that Barker was the ringleader behind the hateful vandalism. Two months after the incident, one of those who committed the crime confessed to the Rebel Brigades of the Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard and named the people responsible. The KKK group promptly expelled the four members, including Barker and his wife.

"You do not deface houses of worship—ever," said Rebel Brigades leader Billy Snuffer. "We kicked them out in the third week of September, 2011 when we found out. Chris Barker gives the Klan a black eye."

No one has been arrested for the crime, though in July 2015 the FBI listed the case as "investigation closed," according to public records.

Members of the congregation remain upset about the lack of communication on the part of the feds—the FBI did send a document to the synagogue on March 6, 2013, but it said that "a criminal investigation can be a lengthy undertaking and, for several reasons, we cannot tell you about its progress at this time."

"If the FBI told me, 'We can't do anything with it, but I can't tell you why,' as a taxpayer I would find that less objectionable than what appears to be the case that the evidence is being ignored," said Peter Howard, a longtime leader of Beth Sholom. "How much patience should I have before I conclude I am being ignored?"

Detailed messages about the 2011 incident were left with several different FBI agencies but went unreturned. It seems clear that in the years since the swastika case, Barker has become valuable to the Bureau—even if no one else shares the Feds' high opinion of him.

"God said you should always find something good in someone, but I don't think God has ever met Chris Barker," said Snuffer.

Update 8/21: Crawford has been convicted.

Nate Thayer is an award-winning freelance investigative journalist and correspondent with 25 years of foreign reporting experience.

Isaac Acevedo Jr. would work one job, go home for about an hour, then go to his second job.  Almost every day of the week.

Movie theater chain Regal Entertainment Group has begun to check bags in response to shootings at theaters around the country, a procedure it acknowledged on its website was "not without flaws" and would inconvenience guests but provide better security.

Parents, I get it. There are plenty of reasons why you’d want to put your baby in a hotel safe. It’s where they tell you to put your valuables and, really, what’s more valuable than your baby? Or, hey, maybe you just want to see if your baby, tiny and cute, is tiny and cute enough to fit inside. Again, I understand the urge and am not here to judge you. That said, I’d like to—as your friend—suggest that maybe you don’t put your baby in the hotel safe. Not just this once, but ever.

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Today, in crazy things people do for world records, comes this video of a man named Laso Schaller. The Brazilian-born adventurist jumped off a 192.9 foot cliff in Switzerland, landing in a small area of water adjacent to a waterfall. He survived, obviously.

Here’s a pretty awesome GIF from Redbull.

To “soften the landing,” Schaller’s crew used oxygen tanks in the pool and aerated the water. That’s actually kind of fascinating. Unfortunately, they could only do so much, and Schaller hurt his right leg upon hitting the water.

The noise was deafening – akin to a gunshot. He overshot the aerated water, landing in the harder water in the centre of the pool. His canyoning companion Jörg quickly rappelled down as others swam out to meet him. After just a couple of seconds underwater, he emerged triumphantly, then swam over to shore for a medical check. The landing, although clean, pulled his right leg out, possibly slightly dislocating his right hip for just a second or two. But after a quick lie-down on the stretcher, and an examination by the medic, a smile broke over his face and everyone knew he was all right – and that he’d just done something no one ever had before.

Redbull has a number of high def photos and GIFs of the world record, if you’re so inclined. This one in particular is my favorite. If you look closely, you can see Schaller mid-jump.

(via FTW)

There's a little more turbulence, and a lot fewer people.

Carl's Jr. Mushroom & Swiss All-Natural Burger features an all-natural, charbroiled beef patty along with a slice of natural Swiss cheese, natural sauteed mushrooms, vine-ripened tomatoes, mayo, lettuce, and red onion on the chain's signature Fresh Baked Bun.

The burger goes for $6.99 in my area, but I received this one courtesy of Carl's Jr.

The beef patty offered the chain's signature char flavor and a decent amount of moisture. It is a bit thin for the fairly large burger though. It accounted for maybe 1/10th or 1/11th of the burger's height. You can opt for a double patty but it costs $2 more at my local Carl's Jr.

Fortunately, the beef's meatiness was buoyed by a generous amount of mushrooms. They were slightly rubbery but very flavorful.

The savory quality of the beef and mushrooms was complemented nicely by the thoroughly melted Swiss cheese, which lent a mild, creaminess to the proceedings.

The lettuce, tomato, and onions came in just the right amount and were in ideal condition.

The bun was excellent with a soft, airy texture and just a slight sweetness to it. I suppose it might be too fancy if you're more of a no-frills burger eater though.

Overall, Carl's Jr. Mushroom & Swiss All-Natural Burger hit the right marks in the mushroom & Swiss department and was fairly enjoyable. I would prefer a smaller, meatier burger though but liked it better than the original due to the added meatiness of the mushrooms. It's also quite pricey due to the grass-fed beef.

Nutritional Info - Carl's Jr. Mushroom & Swiss All-Natural Burger - Single (347g)
Calories - 790 (Calories from Fat - 430)
Fat - 48g (Saturated Fat - 13g)
Sodium - 920mg
Carbs - 58g (Sugar - 13g)
Protein - 33g

Justin Bieber’s sensual Calvin Klein ads were destined to be spoofed, and Kate McKinnon—who was most likely Justin Bieber in another lifetime—was the perfect person to do it. In these outtakes from her original Saturday Night Live skit, McKinnon plays the drums dressed as the boy wonder and saunters around in CK underwear, bulge and all.

Read more...

Colon cancer patients who enjoy a few cups of coffee a day appear to survive their cancer better and they're less likely to die than non-drinkers.

Tinder, the popular dating app, recently had a meltdown on Twitter over an article in Vanity Fair about today's harrowing hookup culture -- one that is fueled by the proliferation of online dating apps. After reading "Tinder and the Dawn of the 'Dating Apocalypse'," I must say that I feel like I should bath in Purell.

Florida Man George Zimmerman, the guy who killed Trayvon Martin that one time, is somehow not currently in prison, which just proves you cannot cage artistic genius. Instead, he is doing art again, which is good and healthy and nice, because it’s real hard to aim and shoot at teenagers when your hands are all messy with finger paint:

Read more on George Zimmerman Made New Finger Painting For Racist, Gun-Fondling BFF…

The post George Zimmerman Made New Finger Painting For Racist, Gun-Fondling BFF appeared first on Wonkette.

Walgreens Boots Alliance confirmed Monday that it will lay off 270 Chicago employees in corporate support as it continues to shed jobs and consolidate functions following its merger. The retail drug chain said the Chicago layoffs are part of 370 corporate jobs being cut companywide. No store workers...

Lenny B. Robinson, the Good Samaritan who visited children in hospitals dressed as Batman and became a viral sensation after police pulled him over in costume, died Sunday after a car hit his custom Batmobile on a Maryland interstate.

A live tiger was briefly on the loose in a disused factory in Detroit after it escaped during a photo shoot Monday, according to local media.

From Orbital Mechanics, a visualization of the 2153 nuclear weapons exploded on Earth since 1945.

2153! I had no idea there had been that much testing. According to Wikipedia, the number is 2119 tests, with most of those coming from the US (1032) and the USSR (727). The largest device ever detonated was Tsar Bomba, a 50-megaton hydrogen bomb set off in the atmosphere above an island in the Barents Sea in 1961. Tsar Bomba had more than three times the yield of the largest bomb tested by the US. The result was spectacular.

The fireball reached nearly as high as the altitude of the release plane and was visible at almost 1,000 kilometres (620 mi) away from where it ascended. The subsequent mushroom cloud was about 64 kilometres (40 mi) high (over seven times the height of Mount Everest), which meant that the cloud was above the stratosphere and well inside the mesosphere when it peaked. The cap of the mushroom cloud had a peak width of 95 kilometres (59 mi) and its base was 40 kilometres (25 mi) wide.

All buildings in the village of Severny (both wooden and brick), located 55 kilometres (34 mi) from ground zero within the Sukhoy Nos test range, were destroyed. In districts hundreds of kilometers from ground zero wooden houses were destroyed, stone ones lost their roofs, windows and doors; and radio communications were interrupted for almost one hour. One participant in the test saw a bright flash through dark goggles and felt the effects of a thermal pulse even at a distance of 270 kilometres (170 mi). The heat from the explosion could have caused third-degree burns 100 km (62 mi) away from ground zero. A shock wave was observed in the air at Dikson settlement 700 kilometres (430 mi) away; windowpanes were partially broken to distances of 900 kilometres (560 mi). Atmospheric focusing caused blast damage at even greater distances, breaking windows in Norway and Finland. The seismic shock created by the detonation was measurable even on its third passage around the Earth.

The Soviets did not give a fuck, man...what are a few thousand destroyed homes compared to scaring the shit out of the capitalist Amerikanskis with a comically large explosion? Speaking of bonkers Communist dictatorships, the last nuclear test conducted on Earth was in 2013, by North Korea.

Tags: atomic bomb   Cold War   infoviz   video   war

Earlier in the month, I wrote about a man who lost his sense of smell.

Over lunch, he says: "I joke I can't smell my daughter's diaper. But I can't smell my daughter. She was up at 4 o'clock this morning. I was holding her, we were laying in bed. I know what my son smelt like as a little baby, as a young kid. Sometimes not so good, but he still had that great little kid smell to him. With her, I've never experienced that."

Jason Caplin lost his sense of smell suddenly five years ago, but recently regained that ability. It has not been the fantastic experience you might expect.

And so to tonight. Here it is, then. Smell at full blast. The inside of my head is basically completely uncalibrated. My nose just has no idea what to do with this rediscovered fury of data. Walking to the tube, I tentatively tried breathing in through my nose. Once. I felt alarm bells going off at the back; smells that had no place together (and which I could only vaguely recall in name) set my eyes watering and made me gag. I sneezed, a lot. At the big roundabout I could smell mint, horses, an outdoor pool from a family holiday when I was eight. The supermarket smelt of hair, even though I don't think I could tell you what hair smells like, and it set me wondering how much of this my brain was reconstructing on the fly. The tube was almost unbearable and I blinked to stop crying.

That happened back in May...I hope things have settled down for him. (via gyford)

Tags: Jason Caplin   senses   smell

This is an epic display of top-notch lip syncing and world-class shade throwing. I smiled the whole way through this.

Songs performed include Wannabe by The Spice Girls, The Sign by Ace of Base, Thong Song by Sisqo, and Orinoco Flow by Enya.

Update: A playlist of the songs sung in the video are now available on Rdio and Apple Music.

(via @jemaleddin & @murtaugh)

Tags: music   video

Billy Joel might be done making new music, but he's not quite finished in the family department. The 66-year-old rock legend and his new wife, Alexis Joel, welcome a baby girl into the world on Wednesday (Aug. 12) morning, according to a post on Billy Joel's site.

Crocodile pile. Photo via Flickr user Spiterman

Read: The Emerging Fetish of Laying Alien Eggs Inside Yourself

There are all kinds of people in the world: some people like to have a dog or cat waiting for them at home, while others prefer a pet-free existence. Others keep whole menageries around, furry and winged and otherwise.

Then there are people like the mysterious Toronto resident who recently called an animal sanctuary for help and was discovered to have been keeping around 150 full-grown crocodiles, alligators, and caimans in his home. The man had understandably had too much after about ten years of tending to the animals, and called the zoo to remove them from his home.

Bry Loyst, who works with the Indian River Reptile Zoo and helped pick up the reptiles, said none of them were smaller than a yard, and many were more than nine feet long.

"I could not believe that somebody had that many crocodilians and raised them to adulthood. These were not baby little crocodiles," he told CBC's Metro Morning. "They were adults."

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Watch: Inside the Exotic Animal Trade

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Apparently, while it contravenes a Toronto city bylaw, it's not altogether uncommon for people to keep babies from the crocodile/alligator/caiman trifecta as pets, though they often become overwhelmed by the time the animals reach maturity.

Enterprising citizens often raise babies to sell as pets, as well—Loyst guessed that the man in question had begun with that intention and then "fell in love with the crocodiles" and decided to keep them. That he managed to keep them into their adulthood is why this mysterious pet collector's brood was so remarkable (well, that and the sheer volume of his living reptile collection).

It took 20 people, four 26-foot trucks, and dozens of construction-grade cardboard tubes to move the reptiles, but despite the hard work it entailed, Loyst said everyone involved was ready and willing to participate.

"Everyone was just excited and enthusiastic to be involved, because it's such an unusual situation," said Loyst. "It was a lot of fun and tiring."

The Toronto man "did the right thing" by calling to have them taken to an animal sanctuary, Loyst said. And he did it at the right time, as well. The zoo is currently constructing a million-dollar building to house large reptiles, of which it already has more than 400.

Meanwhile, a single (non-poisonous) ball python was seen in Metro Vancouver this week, near Simon Fraser University. It's still on the loose, but come on, Vancouver: just one python? Really?

Follow Tannara Yelland on Twitter.

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Barvetta Singletary

Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: A woman asked a guy she was boning for the password to his phone. He said no.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: She allegedly fired a gun at him.

Barvetta Singletary is a special assistant to President Obama and a House of Representatives legislative affairs liaison. She has worked at the White House for about a year.

According to news reports, Barvetta is dating an unnamed cop. She reportedly texted the cop last Friday and asked "for sexual intercourse." After meeting up and having sex, Barvetta allegedly asked the man about another woman he was seeing, before asking if she could have the password to his phone.

Wisely, he declined.

At this point, Barvetta is said to have taken the cop's service weapon, pointed it at him, and said, "You taught me how to use this, don't think I won't use it."

Then my actual worst nightmare happened: Barvetta demanded the man's phone password at gunpoint.

She then allegedly fired a shot in the man's direction, missing him, before wiping the gun clean with a towel in an effort to remove her fingerprints. The cop bailed and called some other cops who arrested Barvetta and charged her with assault and reckless endangerment. She was released on bail after posting a $75,000 bond.

In a statement to CNN, the White House said Barvetta had been put on unpaid leave pending an investigation. "We are aware of the matter and have temporarily placed the employee in question on unpaid leave and revoked her access to the complex until we have more information. We will take additional actions as needed," the statement read.

Cry-Baby #2: An Unnamed Islamaphobe

Screencap via Reddit

The incident: A Muslim woman drove an Uber.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: A lady allegedly contacted the Muslim Uber driver through Facebook and threatened to file a formal complaint against her on the grounds that she is a Muslim.

On Tuesday, a Reddit user with the handle gueriLLaPunK submitted a screencap to the site's /r/facepalm subreddit, showing what he says is a Facebook post by an Uber-driving Muslim friend of his. The post appears to show a screencap of a Facebook messenger chat between the Uber driver and another woman.

"I'm totally offended that UBER would allow a Muslim to drive and that she is allowed a berka [sic] when doing so," the first message reads. "If I ordered an UBER and she pulled up I would cancel immediately. Her Husband could very well be the enemy within. I will be sending in a formal complaint."

In a second message, the woman writes: "Furthermore, if you post this or share with anyone I will defiantly take action." She may or may not have meant to use the word "definitely" there.

In the Facebook status that accompanies the post, the Uber driver wrote: "This woman is trying to get me deactivated because she doesn't like that I'm Muslim and wear a headscarf while I drive."

According to comments posted on Reddit by gueriLLaPunK the angry, Muslim-hating woman deleted her Facebook account after the chats were posted. The Reddit user also claims that people have contacted the woman's employers to complain about her.

It is not clear whether or not the enraged woman took defiant action.

Who here is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here, if you could:

Previously: A woman who allegedly committed a hate crime against her neighbors in an argument over dog poop vs. a cop who pulled a gun on a guy for filming him.

Winner: The cop!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

I know the headline may have ruffled your peacock feathers, but please, hear me out. Many men do not know how to have a conversation, and it would behoove our communities, our country, and dare I say the entire human race if this disconnect could be bridged. I’m not referring to suaveness in the pickup department or clever introductory lines. I mean an old-fashioned, no-frills exchange that uses words to indicate something on the order of I’m interested in your multidimensionality as a fellow human being and would like to achieve greater insight into your infinite subjectivity. Don’t be intimidated: It’s easier than you may think, albeit (apparently) non-intuitive. Let’s get started.

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Motorola Mobility began laying off about 500 employees Thursday, cutting 25 percent of its Chicago workforce just over a year after moving from Libertyville into a new headquarters in the Merchandise Mart.

New video shows Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul mocking and mimicking the GOP frontrunner Donald Trump on the campaign trail.