IKEA Monkey

Are you thinking about giving up on something? Well, consider these bears. Consider this one bear. The bear who had a dream. A dream of sitting in a hammock. Because bears don’t get to “do that.”

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It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Francesco Cristofaro

Screencaps via Wikimedia Commons and Google Maps

The incident: Two people working in a pizza place disagreed on the best way to make pizza.

The appropriate response: Shutting up. There is no conversation more tiresome than what constitutes good pizza. (Except maybe when people talk about which regional burger chain is the best. They all taste the same.)

The actual response: One of those workers threatened to stab the other.

Last month, 21-year-old Francesco Cristofaro was working as a chef at a pizza restaurant called Super Pizza in the hilariously named Fannie Bay in Australia.

According to a report by the Australian ABC News, Francesco got into an argument with a coworker about the "best way to make pizza."

The exact details of the dispute have not been reported, but the argument reportedly culminated in Frencesco chasing the unnamed coworker with a knife while yelling, "Tonight, I kill you!" Which suggests the coworker's pizza preparation method was extremely unorthodox.

Francesco appeared in court on Friday on charges relating to the incident. His lawyer reportedly told the court that Francesco is "a passionate cook that cares a great deal about the art of making pizzas."

Francesco was given a four-month jail sentence, suspended for 12 months.

ABC also reported that this is not the first time Super Pizza has made headlines. Back in 2012, they were in the news after a chef died in the kitchen and staff allegedly stepped over the corpse to continue serving meals. Seems like a pretty chill place to work.

Cry-Baby #2: Two unnamed women in Florida

The scene of the "crime." Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: Some neighbors exchanged insults.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: They allegedly both asked police to file a report because their feelings were hurt.

According to a report in the Bradenton Herald, the Manatee County Sheriff's Office received a call last Sunday to report a "name calling" incident in Bradenton, Florida.

A deputy went to the scene and spoke to the woman who made the call. She reportedly told him that she "had hurt feelings" because her neighbor had been insulting her across the fence in her front yard.

According to the deputy, the woman's neighbor said "that she was a prostitute and that she should provide more of her services so she could afford to pay her electric bill."

The cop then spoke to the neighbor, who reportedly told him that the neighbor was "most likely a prostitute" and added that "her feelings were hurt because the caller was friends with their landlord and would make fun of her whenever she couldn't afford to pay her rent."

According to the Herald, both women "demanded a report documenting their hurt feelings be taken."

No arrests were made.

Who here is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Previously: A woman who had a freakout on a plane vs. a bunch of high school students who staged a walkout because a trans student wanted to use a locker room.

Winner: The cat lady!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

Disquieted by the idea that gay people might experience any momentary happiness in her vicinity, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis is still doing her best to shit in everyone’s marital punchbowl. Her attorneys asked an appeals court Friday to halt an order that would require her office to give licenses to all eligible couples.

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Some mini-designers on Project Runway Junior are going to peak a bit early in life, thanks to a meeting with First Lady Michelle Obama.

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Most of the time when you see a post here on The Vane, it’s about some horrible weather event somewhere that killed lots of people and destroyed most of their belongings. I have good news for once! We’re about to have an exceptionally nice weekend across the eastern United States, featuring crisp temperatures and mostly clear skies. Such a universally nice weekend is rare, so enjoy it while you can.

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Photo via Flickr user Kent Williams

Read: Election Class of 2016—Why America Is Waiting for Joe Biden

On Friday, in an address to the Eagle Forum conference in Missouri, former Texas Governor Rick Perry pulled out of the Presidential race. His speech touched on many topics, but then he got to a part about the Lord working in mysterious ways, and said, "That's why today I am suspending my campaign for the presidency of the United States."

That makes Perry the first in the 17-Republican dogpile to officially pull out of the race.

Perry's campaign hadn't been going well. Polls indicated that he was down to 0.8 percent support, although he wasn't in last place. Bobby Jindal and Lindsey Graham are still bringing up the rear at 0.3 percent each.

His impassioned speech focused mainly on his vision for the Republican party, including a long section about states rights, in which he used Colorado as an example of a Goofus rather than a Gallant. "I support the states to be wrong, like Colorado," he said, adding "Legalizing pot is probably not gonna turn out that well for them."

Then he transitioned into subtly casting doubt on the qualifications of some unnamed Republican frontrunner. Riffing on Missouri's state nickname, he called for a "'show me' election," and urged Republicans not to choose someone who "speaks louder than his record." He also cautioned voters against "falling for the cult of personality."

"If a candidate can't take tough questions from a reporter, how in the world are they gonna deal with Russia, how are they gonna deal with China, or the fanatics in Iran?" he asked.

Nonetheless, he echoed Trump in calling for a policy of "securing the border with Mexico." He also sounded like he had internalized Trump's catchy slogan, "Make America great again," when he said "As Americans, we have the power to make the world new again," and later closed with a decidedly Rick Perry-ish hybrid of slogans: "Let's make America America again."

Follow Mike Pearl on Twitter.

Speedy Ortiz, the Massachusetts band whose singer Sadie Dupuis has become a young feminist icon, begins a worldwide tour Tuesday night; in tandem, it has launched a “help hotline you can text if you are being harassed or feel unsafe at a Speedy Ortiz show.”

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Adam Salky’s Sarah Silverman-starring drama, I Smile Back, premiered at Sundance in January.There, the film predominantly drew attention for the fact that Silverman’s role wasn’t just that of a comedian enacting an onscreen job application for Dramatic Actor — but rather because, unsurprisingly, she gave a “monster of a performance,” seemingly better, in fact, than many veteran tragedians. The film is screening this Saturday at the Toronto International Film Festival as a Special Presentation, and in advance of that, the first trailer has been released.

The trailer is nearly two minutes long, so you can get a good idea of what critics were raving about (again, pretty much solely: Silverman) after Sundance. (The Guardian said of the film itself that it “falls down when the stand-up isn’t on screen.”) I Smile Back sees Silverman playing Lacey, a woman living in suburbia with her husband and two children, who’s secretly slipping back into old addictions — abusing alcohol, drugs, and sleeping with her best friend’s husband. It’s based on the book by Amy Koppelman, and adapted by the author and Paige Dylan.

Watch the trailer:

The state is allowing citizen scientists to monitor bat populations via their local library.

At least six homes have been destroyed as the Butte Fire, located southeast of Sacramento, grew from around 4,000 acres to 14,700 acres Thursday.

"When Miss Davis comes back, I'll still issue licenses," Rowan County deputy clerk Brian Mason told NBC News Wednesday.

Whatever supernatural power you need, there's a precious stone for it in Indonesia,

A man and his teenage daughter are in jail after sheriff's deputies say they robbed a bank, then led officers on a high-speed chase through North Texas.

They may look beautiful, but they sound absurd.

The late ’90s and early 2000s truly were a golden age of Disney-produced made-for-TV movies, and now one of the brightest stars of that golden age, Life-Size, might be coming back for a sequel. That’s according to original star Tyra Banks, who told Hollywood Life that there have been “many drafts of scripts” for Life-Size 2, and that the Disney Channel people “keep re-doing it, and re-doing it, and re-doing the script” because “they just want it perfect.” The original Life-Size premiered on ABC in 2000, and it featured Lindsay Lohan as a tomboy who accidentally turns a doll into a human (Banks) when she tries to use magic to bring her dead mom back to life. There’s no word on if Lohan will come back for a Life-Size sequel, but the whole hook of the movie is a doll becoming a person so they don’t really ...

Kim and Kanye’s ever-present joie de vivre is evident, as always, in his luminous smile. Also pictured: future Kardashian West baby, name TBD.

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It got pretty warm in the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch yesterday, and Channel 4 weatherman Liam Dutton didn't blink when called to report on the newsworthy temperature reading. His smooth, casual delivery of the name made him an overnight viral sensation. Watch how a real professional deals with the longest place name in Europe.

Years ago, The Learning Channel dumped learning in favor of Honey Boo Boo and a family led by a couple that doesn’t know how to just sit and talk at night. The History Channel slowly went from history to Hitler to the Harrisons, and The Weather Channel—once a force so powerful in America that it was the authority on weather—followed that same misguided path, eschewing the perpetual map briefings that turned them into a powerhouse to begin airing reality programs about pudgy beards, people anxiously ogling at rocks, and the foibles of a buncha rushin’, cussin’ truckers.

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I'm increasingly ambivalent about football (see here, here, here), but HBO's Hard Knocks, the recurring documentary miniseries inside an NFL training camp, is still the best TV show I've seen all year.

The show's stars included coaches, families, undrafted rookies and journeyman free agents, all in orbit around the Houston Texans. A huge part of the draw, though, is all-pro defensive lineman JJ Watt, maybe the NFL's best player at any position. Watt does freakish things, like flipping half-ton tires end over end, or box-jumping sixty-one inches (kind of like jumping onto the roof of a car from a standstill).

Earlier this summer, Grantland's Shea Serrano got to run through drills with Watt:

Watt is the best defensive football player on the planet -- probably the best football player full stop. His body looks like what Superman would draw if someone asked him to draw what he wanted to look like. My body looks like if someone asked Superman to draw a pile of mashed potatoes wearing shorts.

Sports business may be evil, its fundamental practices barbaric, its media representations distorted and misleading, and its role in American life exaggerated beyond all reason. But god, it's compelling to watch human beings who are better at what they do than anyone else on the planet, who do things that don't completely seem possible.

Tags: football   JJ Watt   NFL   Shea Serrano

The California State Assembly approved legislation which would allow terminally ill patients to be prescribed medication to end their lives. This was the second attempt to pass the bill, following the 2014 case of Brittany Maynard . Last November, Maynard, who was diagnosed with brain cancer, decided to move from California to Oregon so she could access the state’s “Death with Dignity” law and legally end her life. Before her passing, Maynard recorded videos pleading with lawmakers to pass the act in California and other states.

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Our desire to give unsolicited advice is a lot like having explosive diarrhea: crap just gushes out before you can contain it. When a friend struggles with something health related, you might feel a moral obligation to swoop to his side, usually by asking “Have you tried…?” After all, health is important, and we all need to make sure we’ve got each other’s back...right?

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A Portland, Oregon, woman created an Instagram account with a Barbie that mocks people who use the "liveauthentic" hashtag. You can follow her Instagram account Socality Barbie. CNN affiliate KOIN has more.

JWOWW = the final straw

In case you missed the devastating news earlier, Tim Tebow is once again an unemployed quarterback in the NFL. The luscious lefty was released during the Philadelphia Eagles‘ final cuts on Saturday, leaving him off the 53-man roster and back on the free agents list.

This news greatly saddened us here at Uproxx, as Tebow is not only a champion on the field, but also a champion of pageviews. To honor the Eagle who had his wings clipped too early, we put together this touching tribute video featuring his preseason highlights that none of us will ever forget.

As a wise teenage girl on the Internet once said: “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Instead of carrying out the plan, the would-be hitman — the woman's ex-son-in-law — turned her in to the cops.