IKEA Monkey

Earlier today, Daily Pakistan Global stumbled across a Facebook post unlike any we have seen before. It tells the story of Asif, who severed ties with his former best friend, Mudasir, for reasons yet unknown. Despite the tragic, word art-annotated tale of love lost, there remains a light at the end of the tunnel—his new best friend, Salman. The Daily Pakistan’s recounting is perfect in every way, so with their permission, we have reprinted it in full below. And if you have any idea what Mudasir did to scorn Asif so, you can send me an email here. - Ashley Feinberg, Staff Writer

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Alex Trebek seems like a nice man; he smiles, he speaks in a soft tone, he changes up his facial hair on a relaxing, generational scale. He certainly doesn’t seem to deserve the enduring nightmare that was forced upon him when Will Ferrell, Norm Macdonald, Darrell Hammond, and a team of Saturday Night Live writers brought the show’s “Celebrity Jeopardy” series of sketches to life. Who can say how many times Trebek’s affable Canadian face has fallen after being accosted by requests to “Suck it,” or after hearing his mother’s honor impugned? How many times has he had to smile in the face of declarations that “the penis mightier?” At the very least, though, the genial game show host could hopefully think he was safe from the attacks in his place of sanctuary, the temple to knowledge known as Sony Pictures’ Stage 10, where Jeopardy! is ...

The pups worked like dogs to earn their academic achievements.

A Willowbrook woman credited the support of loved ones and the knowledge that she had defeated her assailant with helping her survive a brutal attack and sexual assault in her home.

Chicago police say they found a toddler’s head, hands and feet this weekend near a lagoon in the city’s Garfield Park, the Chicago Tribune reports.

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Japonais by Morimoto (600 W. Chicago Ave., 312-822-9600), a chic Japanese restaurant that once was one of Chicago's most hip dining destinations, is calling it quits.

Here’s another story from the meat-down-pants beat: last week, a man was caught at a Wisconsin co-op grocery store with a pork tenderloin and two sandwiches stuffed down his pants. He told police that he shoplifted the items because he was homeless and hungry. He received a citation for retail theft and, one hopes, a referral to a place that could provide him with something to eat. [La Crosse Tribune]

He apologized after The New York Times presented him with evidence that the story was fiction.

Lisa Borch and her boyfriend would watch ISIS beheading videos to relax, according to reports.

American Ninja Warrior has been airing for seven seasons now, and in that time, no contestant had ever even made it to the fourth and final stage of its obstacle course, Mount Midoriyama. Since the show first began airing in 2009, numerous contestants had made it to the third stage, but it had never been completed. That is, until Monday night, when two contestants, Isaac Caldiero, a professional rock climber and busboy, and Geoff Britten, a freelance cameraman, finally pushed through. Then, for good measure, they went and completed the fourth and final stage as well.

Thousands of competitors flocked to six different qualifying cities earlier this year to try their hand at the competition’s $1,000,000 prize, which included former NFL player Brendon Ayanbadejo and MMA fighter Felice Herrig. But only two were left standing in the finale in Las Vegas on Monday night. First, Caldiero became the first person to ever complete the third stage.

Later, Britten became the second. But in the end, it was Caldiero who took home the grand prize, climbing the 75-foot rope of the fourth and final stage just 3.86 seconds ahead of Britten’s time.

For his part, Britten goes home with nothing, other than the prestige that comes with being the second person to ever complete the third stage, and the first person to ever complete the fourth. Unfortunately for him, he was just four seconds too late.

It’s been a tough couple of years for the 39-year-old William Leonard Roberts II, a.k.a. Rick Ross, a.k.a. Rozay, a.k.a., tha Bawse. His last release, 2014’s Hood Billionaire, was poorly received by both audiences and critics, and this summer he was forced to post a $2M bond just to get out of police custody after being charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, and aggravated battery in connection with an incident with the groundskeeper of his 235-acre estate. His next release would prove important in maintaining the relevance of both Ross and his imprint, Maybach Music Group (MMG). Was this the beginning of the end?

With the release of Black Dollar, the answer is a resounding “No.” First, to side-step any potential bad press from poor sales, Ross released the LP for free on mixtape clearinghouse DatPiff.com. And while the line between an album and a mixtape is becoming increasingly blurred, Black Dollar is clearly a record of (mostly) original material, expertly produced and sequenced from start to finish. A-list guest stars abound, with features from The-Dream, Future, Gucci Mane and Anthony Hamilton, as well as Maybach Music Group cohorts Wale and Meek Mill. The positive reviews rolled out, and the verdict was in: The Bawse is back.

But why, exactly? What is it about this portly character that people connect with? It’s not his authenticity — his past as a correctional officer is well-known, and no one actually confuses his tales of cocaine trafficking with reality. It’s certainly not his skills as an MC, as his lyrics are mostly laughable — “Major coke figure/ I’m the fresh David Koresh” — except when they’re not. And yes, the beats he raps over are consistently hot, but that only scratches the surface of why he’s endured as long as he has. It might be difficult to swallow, but Ross is an auteur in every sense of the word, with impeccable attention to detail and a keen understanding of how mood and feeling can make an album well-suited to repeat plays. If Ross is an artist, his art is not rapping, it’s Executive Production.

The mythos of Rick Ross is nothing if not absurd, but its careful construction cannot be denied. Ross’ character is an archetype long ago discovered to be salable to the American public: that of the black gangster turned mafioso kingpin. Free of any expectation to tether his character to reality, he’s allowed free reign to incorporate whatever fantasy he’s currently harboring into his music, making for a more interesting version of that tired archetype than we’ve seen to date. On Black Dollar, that fantasy includes being as rich as “Bill Gates” (track 4) or as talented as Jay-Z and the Notorious B.I.G. (track 8, the “Brooklyn’s Finest” remake “World’s Finest”). His records are elaborate fan fiction about the character he created. And if you can momentarily suspend disbelief, it’s an entertaining ride.

For a free album, everything about Black Dollar feels luxurious, be it the piano-laced beats from the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League, Ross’s butter-soft leather voice, or his claims to make “the caviar of hip-hop.” At his best, his albums and mixtapes exude conspicuous wealth — it is, quite literally, music that would feel appropriate to soundtrack a ride in an Aston Martin, or yes, a Maybach. The transportive quality to his music is powerful, and we live his escapist fantasies along with him. It’s aided in no small part by his rich baritone, which would make a takeout menu sound compelling. But even rappers with great voices and legendary MC skills have faltered when it comes to EP’ing their albums (we’re looking at you, Nas), whether it be a poor ear for beats, uninspired guest appearances or just terrible sequencing. When it comes to the ability to create a mood with sound, Ross’ peers are the heavyweights: The Dr. Dres, Kanye Wests and Rick Rubins of the world. And if he can adapt as adroitly as those three have, he might just be around as long.

Despite a massive manhunt, there are no suspects in the case yet, and investigators are still trying to figure out whether it was a homicide or a suicide. [ more › ]

Lay's New York Reuben Potato Chips feature the brand's classic potato chip with a Reuben sandwich seasoning.

It's one of the four finalists of the 2015 Do Us A Flavor contest that Lay's has been hosting in recent years.

I picked up a 7.75-oz. bag for $2.69.

After my less than stellar experience with the last sandwich-inspired flavor I tried, I was a little wary of popping open this bag. Once burned, twice shy, as they say.

Perhaps it was due to my rather low expectations heading in, but I found the New York Reuben Potato Chips to be fantastically executed and really delicious. (I know; I was shocked, too.)

Upon opening the bag, there's the strong and distinctive smell of sauerkraut. I was surprised but pleased that these chips actually smelled like their namesake flavor, considering the first two flavors that I tried didn't have much aroma (or a semi-bad one, in the case of the Kettle Cooked Greektown Gyro flavor).

Biting into a chip, the first thing I tasted was the sour bite of sauerkraut. It's not as tart as you would get in salt and vinegar chips but it's definitely noticeable. I wouldn't try this flavor if you're not a fan of the sour and savory combination.

After the bite of the sauerkraut, the next thing I tasted was the pastrami component. The chips do a remarkable job of capturing the slightly sweet, cured, and peppery flavor of the meat without any bizarre aftertaste. It's really quite tasty and thankfully not one bit weird.

There's an almost licorice-like undertone to the whole affair, which readily brings to mind the rye bread on which a Reuben is famously assembled. It's very light and inoffensive (in case you don't like that licorice flavor) but gives a depth to the seasoning that really ties everything together.

At the tail end, there's a light creaminess that lingers as an aftertaste. It really brings to mind Russian dressing and is a pleasant counterbalance to the initial tart taste of the sauerkraut.

What really impressed me about these chips is the fact that all flavors of a Reuben sandwich are represented in the seasoning. Unlike with the two previous flavors I tried, none of the "ingredients" felt like they were missing. These aren't simply sauerkraut and pastrami-flavored potato chips.

Overall, I really enjoyed the New York Reuben Potato Chips. Lay's did a fantastic job of translating a classic deli sandwich into chip form, and did so with a complex and well-rounded seasoning that hits the nail on all four sandwich components. Of the three 2015 Do Us A Flavor finalists I've tried thus far, this is hands down my favorite.

Nutritional Info - Lay's New York Reuben Potato Chips
Serving Size - 1 oz (28g / about 15 chips)
Calories - 150 (from Fat - 90)
Fat - 10g (Saturated Fat - 1.5g)
Sodium - 150mg
Carbs - 16g (Sugar - 1g)
Protein - 2g
 
By Renee.

According to NJ.com, this happened last weekend during a game between New Jersey high schools Immaculata and Linden. In the video above, you’ll see a Linden defensive lineman pull the helmet off an Immaculata player, and then swing the helmet right into his head.

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Read: The Berenst(E)ain Bears Conspiracy Theory That Has Convinced the Internet There Are Parallel Universes

Colorado's Waterton Canyon park has been closed to visitors for over two weeks because of the presence of a couple of families of bearsbut it's not the animals themselves that are causing problems, but the throngs of visitors who are trying to take with them.

"The current situation is not conducive for the safety of our visitors or the wellbeing of the wildlife," Brandon Ransom, Denver Water's manager of recreation, told ABC 7.

"We've actually seen people using selfie sticks," he said, adding some would get "within ten feet of wild bears."

Another spokesperson for the park described hikers trying to snap the perfect #bearselfie as making a "poor choice." That seems like a minor understatement, since bears are hulking, hairy predators that can completely decimate a puny human with a small swat of their paws. The US Forest Service has been warning against turning your back to a bear so you can snap a selfie on your iPhone's front camera since last year, but apparently people aren't listening.

This is just another addition to the endless list of reasons why selfie sticks are unholy creations.

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Jessica Mann, a 33-year-old social worker, is in her third trimester of pregnancy with her third child. Instead of resting and getting ready for the baby, she is fighting a battle with her Catholic hospital, which has refused to grant her a potentially life-saving procedure.

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One of the biggest weather stories in recent years is the distinct lack of weather in much of the country—the drought is an ongoing, slow-motion disaster in the western United States, but abnormally dry conditions are starting to spread east. More than half of the United States is suffering from an unusual lack of rainfall, with much of the south and East Coast joining the west in their need for water.

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The snowpack in the Sierra Nevada mountains, an important natural storage system for California's water supply, hit a 500-year low this past winter.

"A recent case involving a prostitute and a john is making a mockery of rape victims," Mitchell writes in the first line of her column, kicking off a 500-word ode to victim-blaming, sex worker-shaming and sexism. [ more › ]

On Sunday, a YouTube user uploaded a terrifying two-minute video showing his hair-raising escape from Northern California’s Valley fire, a blaze one sheriff called “the worst tragedy Lake County has ever seen.”

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You might be surprised at how many things are negotiable when you speak up and ask. If you love haggling, tell us: what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever successfully negotiated?

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On Sunday, September 13, 2015, actress and wedding guest Lindsay Lohan published a 248-word essay on Instagram about the events of Tuesday, September 11, 2001. Because many people share stories about how the events of 9/11 affected them, that Lohan shared hers isn’t surprising. What’s notable is that the story is a messy, incomprehensible cloud of disconnected thoughts that may not even be about 9/11 at all????

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Although marijuana is legal in some states, laws about pesticide use come from the federal government, leaving pot growers without guidance on what’s safe to spray. Recent investigations have found that toxic pesticides are overused—but in some places you can ask to see lab reports.

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A wealthy socialite who’s evidently having a hard time coming to terms with the dissolution of her marriage reportedly offered to skin her ex-husband’s new wife alive—for wallpapering purposes.

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Rumors of a Corgi-apocalypse this weekend were greatly exaggerated. [ more › ]

Australia will get its fifth prime minister in eight years after the ruling Liberal Party on Monday voted out Tony Abbott.

This year, we’ve seen many of Hollywood’s biggest female players speak out against the sexist entertainment industry. Now, a man named George Clooney is sharing his thoughts and they are much more favorable than what other famous penis-owners have said in the past.

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Bear rehabilitation centers give aggressive grizzlies a second chance at living in the wild