IKEA Monkey

It’s bacon and eggs stuffed into buttery bread. It cooks in under 15 minutes. It’s shaped like a wreath and can feed eight people. What more can you ask for in a breakfast treat?

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A black mountain bear was tranquilized at a garbage dump in Fresno, California, on Tuesday afternoon, the Associated Press reports. The bear had ridden there from the Hume Lake area, some 65 miles away, in the back of a garbage truck.

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Holiday travel is going to the dogs.

Buffalo Wild Wings' Zesty Citrus wings feature the citrus flavor of Mountain Dew infused with lemongrass and red pepper flakes.

I got a snack size (5 wings) and side for $6.79 on the Fast Break Lunch special.

When I heard that Buffalo Wild Wings was making a Mountain Dew-flavored wing I was equal parts excited and skeptical. As a life-long Mtn. Dew fan and recent recipient of a case of Pitch Black, I was already pretty high on the brand when I heard the news. But, of course, the idea of a Mtn Dew wing sauce is strange and could very easily be a disaster.

Hearing they’d be calling them “Zesty Citrus” wings, I sort of figured the Dew flavoring would be light and more of an ingredient than a main feature. One bite in, I knew I was dead wrong about that. These wings tasted incredibly like Mountain Dew. The sauce swung much more toward sweet than spicy, barely registering for me in the heat department. Personally, I like the taste of room temp/warm Mountain Dew, so this was familiar and enjoyable for me. But as my bartender and server both made obvious, this sauce is not for everybody. They were almost surprised that I liked it. But like it I did. I enjoyed how closely the sauce resembled the drink - from the citrusy tang to the smooth finish. The sweetness did start to get to me at the tail end though. By the time I finished and the wings were cooler, the sauce tasted more like orange gummy candy to my palate than anything.

The wings themselves were fine. Not particularly hot when I got them but they did come out very quickly and still seemed pretty fresh. They were lightly crisp on the outside, the way you’d expect fried wings to be if you don’t specifically request that they be fried “hard.”

Overall, I enjoyed Buffalo Wild Wings’ Zesty Citrus wings. They could have been a little spicier and a little less sweet but I could see myself ordering them again; maybe alongside another more traditional flavor.  However, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend them, even to Mountain Dew fans. If you might conceivably like this concoction, then they shouldn’t disappoint. But I don’t think anyone who isn't automatically intrigued by the concept is going to have their minds changed upon tasting them. If you're on the fence, definitely ask to taste it before you have your wings spun in it.

By Darius.

Nutritional Facts - Buffalo Wild Wings Snack Size Traditional Wings w/ average sauce
Calories - 850 (from Fat - 660)
Fat - 71g (Saturated Fat - 28g)
Sodium - 1630mg
Carbs - 7g (Sugars - 5g)
Protein - 36g

As uncharacteristically warm weather on Christmas Day breaks records across the eastern portion of the United States, it’s bringing along other strange phenomenon: flowers are blooming way too early.

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It’s Christmas Day, and you know what that means: time to plumb the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. We’re looking for the weirdest, least explicable, and most awkward objects that America has shoved inside its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

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It doesn't get more stressful than airports during the holidays. But these guys are here to help. [ more › ]

This disgusting act of wanton violence is brought to you by Mehmet Değirmenci, a Turkish amateur soccer player. As you can see in the video below, moments before Değirmenci so cruelly smashed this poor guy’s head like a teed-up football, he became upset when the ref showed him a red card for the reckless tackle that landed his opponent on the ground in the first place. His response was what you see above:

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“Do you even vape?” the world seemed to ask of California Rep. Duncan Hunter this week. “Yes,” the Republican congressman responded with gusto. “I vape.”

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It has come to our attention  that certain fans and critics are up in arms about the heroine of the reborn Star Wars franchise, the scavenger-turned-force-wielder named Rey, because they claim she’s a “Mary Sue.” Not only does she lack enough “flaws” for these fellas, but it seems beyond these their scope of belief that she would have all the natural abilities she does —  despite knowing she’s survived alone as a scavenger since she was a child, and the Force is extremely strong with her, etc.

Of course, Rey is a pretty extraordinary hero, but so are all heroes of movies like The Force Awakens. Here’s a little secret: they all manage to magically dodge raining bombs, bullets, and overturned vehicles, be a few steps ahead of explosions, go one-on-one against the bad guys, escape captivity, and save the day. They do this hero stuff even though — and even within a given universe’s logical parameters—  they’d probably choke or be smushed by said vehicles, despite their strength and training.

So if we were giving all the canonical heroes the same hard look critics are  giving Rey, we’d find a lot to critique. But for the sake of fairness, maybe we should be scrutinizing movie heroes for “realism” and “flaws.” With that in mind, here’s a look back at the canon of beloved heroic films for a newly revised list of great Mary Sues in Movie franchise history. Enjoy the fan service.

Old Han Solo

Star Wars: The Force Awakens features a number of heroic new heroes, but perhaps the guy who got the biggest cheers in my opening-weekend screening was an older friend. Literally. Elderly Han Solo. That’s right: judging by the franchise’s timeline, this guy is comfortably middle-aged at best, long past getting senior discounts to the intergalactic movie theater at worst. And let’s be honest: if he weren’t such a boring Mary Sue, he would have at least a little beer belly, a smidgen of arthritis, and a strong aversion to that noise the kids today call “music.” Instead, he’s still a dashing hero, jumping from place to place, fighting nimbly, wrangling giant Rathtars, and so forth. Your man-crush is showing, J.J. Abrams. Oh, and none of Chewbacca’s fur is gray? Say what you will about the Wookiee lifespan, but Chewy has seen some shit. Talk about a Doggie Sue.

James Bond

As we discussed in our exploration of the biggest male sluts in franchise history, the syphilis alone would have crippled this guy a long time ago. He started sleeping around long before we knew about many an STD, and we never see him take out a condom. So if he weren’t such a lame-ass Mary Sue, Bond would probably have to stop running on trains, jumping off burning buildings, and emerging from underwater deathtraps to take his antibiotics on the reg. And furthermore, Bond comes within a millimeter of death many, many times and always seems fine afterwards, with not even a little bit of stiffness or any balance issues. If we really think it’s unrealistic for Rey to pick up the Force as quickly as she does, it’s twice as unrealistic for Bond to recover from near mortal-injuries by lying on the beach and having a hot chick give him a sponge bath, which is pretty much his standard medical routine.

Batman

After Bane breaks his back in The Dark Knight Rises, Batman gets healed up by amateur criminal doctors in a prison and never has to go to a chiropractor, not once, not even for the occasional therapeutic massage. And he’s not doing yoga, either, let us note. I call bullshit, as does this spine surgeon who was interviewed by a fan site. Epic Mary Sue moment, there.

Aragorn, Son of Arathorn

The parallels to Rey here are unmistakable. Sure, he has royal heritage, the same blood runs in his veins, yadda yadda yadda. But this guy spends years just wandering around as a Ranger, getting dirty as all heck, and then suddenly he’s the leader of not only the Fellowship of the Ring, but various human and ghost armies, as well as, oh yeah, the entire kingdom of men. We may buy that he can find healing herbs in the wild and other elvish trickery, but where are we given evidence of training in being a general and a statesman, huh? And if he’s the blood-heir to the weakest human king in history, Isildur, why does he never get tempted by the One Ring at all, but instead swear to Frodo that he will accompany him right to Mordor? He’s way too perfect. Mary Sue. Bo-ring. And let’s not even start with Legolas.

Harry Potter

He’s raised by Muggles for the beginning of his life, totally malnourished, and kept in the dark about his wizard identity. Yet he still ends up being the dude who saves the world and the Chosen One. Suuuure. Come on. If he weren’t such a freaking Mary Sue, young Harry would have spent his entire time at Hogwarts scarfing down seconds at the dining hall, taking remedial magic courses with an exasperated prefect as his tutor, and going to get counseling from the overworked warlock in the North Tower who’d teach him mindful breathing exercise and the basics of Freudian analysis.

Magneto

Being realistic here, at some point somebody would have caught on and stopped using metal around this guy. The fact that he always manages to find some sort of “metallic loophole” to do his morally ambiguous brand of damage shows that he’s a major Mary Sue.

Jason Bourne

My main issue with Bourne as a hero boils down to his knees. You cannot tell me this guy doesn’t have bad knees at this point. He never even winces when he jumps off various rooftops onto other rooftops. He’s not even going to wear a knee brace? Half the NBA is wearing a knee brace. Just the worst kind of Mary Sue.

Luke Skywalker

A punk kid living in the middle of nowhere on a desert planet gets an unlikely message from a droid which thrusts him into an epic battle between good and evil. Yet suddenly he realizes he has innate Force-sensitivity and with very little training is able to dodge danger, stand up to the most sinister bad guys out there — including his own dad — and wield all kinds of Jedi weaponry? Um, no way would this kind of thing ever happen, no matter how far, far away the galaxy was, nor how long ago.

The Colombian contestant was already wearing this year's Miss Universe crown when host Steve Harvey returned to announce on live television that he had mistakenly read from a cue card, and that the contestant from the Philippines was actually this year's winner.

In the following moments, the crown...

With holiday travel predicted to reach record levels this week, it’s probably a safe bet that someone at some overcrowded airport across the country will get a bit stressed out. In a bid to make sure holiday travel is a bit less grueling for passengers, United Airlines is sending in the dogs, literally. 

United Airlines announced Monday that it plans to send 200 dogs to the airline’s seven airport hubs this week through a program called United Paws.

The specially trained “comfort dogs” will be led around terminals with the express purpose of bringing a bit of cheer to the holiday travel experience.

Under the program, which will run from 9 a.m. to noon and 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. Monday to Wednesday this week in Los Angeles, Cleveland, Denver, Newark, Washington, Houston, and Chicago, passengers can scratch, pet, and otherwise love on the furry airline ambassadors.

“Research shows that just petting a dog releases oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding and affection, and also decreases levels of stress, helps us breathe easier and lowers our blood pressure,” the airline said in a statement.

The airline first started the holiday pet stress-relief strategy in one or two airports last year. The Los Angeles Times reports that LAX, which will have 13 United pups on hand this week, has a similar program year-round called Pets Unstressing Passengers.

[via The Los Angeles Times]

Last week, we were treated to the story of Cavaliers swingman Iman Shumpert channeling MacGyver in order to help his wife, Teyana Taylor, give birth to their daughter in the bathroom. Thanks to the Daily Mail, we now have audio of a 911 operator walking Shumpert through the process.

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You’re out for dinner.

You’re having a chat in your booth when a rogue child suddenly appears at your table. Everybody stops to look at the Junior Runaway, living the romantic nomadic life between sticky tables and wobbly chairs at the chain restaurant. There are smiles, a couple friendly hellos, and then a parent appears to claim the child.

Rogue children appear anywhere parents are busy and kids are bored. Furniture showrooms, bank lineups, dentist offices, all fine places to spot endangered rogue children in their natural setting. Keep your eyes peeled for these three-foot creatures, who will likely be shy and curious, and pose no threat unless threatened, in which case they will bite.

Let’s let rogue children remind us that the world is a pretty simple place.

We’re all little kids wandering around looking for interesting things.

AWESOME!

Get someone The Book of Awesome for Christmas!

Photo from: here

The post #89 Rogue children appeared first on 1000 Awesome Things.

There it is. That’s the one. #macarons

That's a lot of damage even for a fully dressed person. Still via Castanet

Read: Some Farmer in Switzerland Dug Up a Molehill and Found 1,700-Year-Old Buried Treasure

A 24-year-old man was arrested this weekend in West Kelowna, BC, after he was found naked and stuck in the air vent of a home he had broken into, rummaged through, and completely destroyed.

According to Castanet, Tara Stanley and her family were on their way to Vancouver (roughly a four-hour drive away from Kelowna) when she received word from their neighbors that the noise from their home was a little loud.

"I told her we weren't home, and that is when things got weird," she said.

The neighbors later found out that it wasn't Stanley's family making the racket, but an intruder who had somehow managed to break into the home via a vent on the roof of the house. He was found stuck in a vent and wrapped in insulation, somehow trying to warm himself with it.

"He took out the wires in the vent on the neighbor's side, and he totally took out the vent on my side, and came in through the roof. He started kicking in through the roof above every room in the house," said Stanley.

"He totaled my master bedroom, went into the closet, and every room. He didn't steal anything, but my bedroom was rummaged through."

The man appears to have stripped down while in the house, as Stanley notes that his underwear were left on top of her toilet.

Police later arrived and arrested the man before bringing him to hospital to assess injuries he had caused to himself while wrecking the home. The man was later released on a promise that he'll appear in court at a later date. Stanley is, obviously, pretty worried about the fact that he's back in the community.

"We got his name, and we searched him on Facebook. I recognize him from the neighborhood," Stanley said. "We are so confused and lost with what to do."

VICE has reached out to the RCMP regarding the case but has yet to hear back.

Follow Jake Kivanc on Twitter.

The folks at Jack in the Box have suggested a number of menu item mash-ups for their holiday-themed Peppermint Oreo Shake that I thought I'd share with you guys.

The holiday shake features a blend of ice cream, Oreo cookies, and peppermint syrup.

Here's what they suggest:

- First up are Frozen Flap Jacks, which are Peppermint Oreo Shake drizzled over Mini Pancakes.

- Peppermint Logs are Mini Churros dipped in the shake.

- The Reindeer Cake takes a Chocolate Overload Cake and drizzles Peppermint Oreo Shake over it.

- Finally, Fire 'N' Ice Fries is where you dip French Fries into the shake (Curly Fries are also suggested for an added twist).

I tried the Frozen Flap Jacks and Fire 'N' Ice Fires courtesy of Jack in the Box. Surprisingly, between the two, I liked the fries and shake combo better (I'm usually not huge on the sweet and savory combinations). My fries were crispy on this occasion and for whatever reason the cool, sweet, creamy, and just slightly chocolaty quality of the shake was working well with the crispy potato of the fries. The pancakes didn't offer quite the textural novelty and their flavor didn't hold up as well against the shake's.

As far as the Peppermint Oreo Shake itself goes, the peppermint flavor was actually fairly mild and I could have used a bit more for the holiday vibe. The shake was fairly thick, creamy, and not too sweet.

The Oreo cookies were actually crispy and included a good amount of the vanilla creme, which I sometimes tasted more than the peppermint. The wall of the cup made it look like there were just tiny powdery bits of Oreo wafers in the shake, but there were surprisingly sizable chunks floating around in there (my straw actually clogged at one point).

Overall, Jack in the Box's Peppermint Oreo Shake was good but more a Oreo shake with peppermint than a peppermint shake with Oreos.

Recordings secretly made by an anti-abortion group at meetings of abortion providers do not show criminal activity and could put the providers at risk, a federal judge said Friday, citing the recent shooting at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic.

U.S. District Judge William Orrick made the comments...

The allegations read like a movie plot: a lottery industry insider installs undetectable software giving him advance knowledge of winning numbers, then enlists accomplices to play those numbers and collect the jackpots. And they secretly enrich themselves for years — until a misstep exposes them.

...

It's December, which means it's time to look back at a year full of cry-babies, and decide which of those cry-babies was the cry-babiest cry-baby of all. Below are ten people, selected by me, from the list of people who have been named Cry-Baby of the Week over the last 12 months. At the bottom of the page, you can vote for your favorite.

This year's winner will join three previous Cry-Baby of the Year "champs": A TV reporter who got a man arrested because he grabbed her microphone, a family who threatened to sue their neighbors for installing a wheelchair ramp on their home, and a woman who tried to trick some men into raping a lady who had outbid her on a house. Here are the contenders.

Cry-Baby #1: Robyn Wilkins

Screencaps via WMC Action News 5 and Google Maps

The incident: A woman thought she saw a pentagram in a brake light.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: She called her local news station because she thought it looked satanic.

In January, a woman named Robyn Wilkins was driving behind a school bus in Memphis, Tennessee, when she noticed that the brake lights resembled the shape of an upside-down star.

Wilkins snapped a photo, which you can see above, and sent it to her local news station, WMC Action News 5, complaining that the brake lights resembled a pentagram (which WMC Action News referred to as a "satanic symbol").

"Anyone who fears a god, if not God and Jesus Christ, should be outraged," Wilkins told the station. She then asked, "Would we allow a swastika, for instance, to be on the back of the bus?" That's a provocative question!

The news station approached the bus company and the school to get their sides of the "story," but both declined to comment.

Cry-Baby #2: The Texas Department of Public Safety and Transportation

Photo via Instagram

The incident: A state trooper posed for a photo with Snoop Dogg.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: The trooper was ordered to undergo counseling.

In March, while at the South by Southwest Festival in Austin, Texas State Trooper Sergeant Billy L. Spears posed for a photo with Snoop Dogg.

Snoop posted the photo on his Instagram page with the caption "Me n my deputy dogg," followed by gun and star emojis.

Later than month, a supervisor from the Texas Department of Public Safety and Transportation drove 40 miles to hand-deliver a counseling order to Billy.

Billy's lawyer, Ty Clevenger, posted the order online. "While working a secondary employment job, Trooper Spears took a photo with a public figure who has a well-known criminal background including numerous drug charges," it read. "It reflects poorly on the agency."

Ty claimed that his client didn't know about Snoop's criminal background. "Believe it or not, some folks don't watch TMZ or read People Magazine," he wrote on his blog. He also claimed that the real reason for the citation was an "act of retaliation against Billy," because the trooper had "reported misconduct by an officer from another agency" the previous year.

Billy is reportedly not able to appeal the citation because it technically doesn't count as formal disciplinary action. However, according to Ty, the counseling will still go into Billy's personnel record, and could harm his eligibility for future promotions.

In a statement, a spokesperson for the Texas Department of Public Safety and Transportation refused to comment on the case, saying that the agency does not comment on personnel issues unless they result in disciplinary action.

Cry-Baby #3: Luke Gatti

The incident: A drunk guy was denied jalapeño bacon mac-and-cheese.

The appropriate response: Getting food elsewhere. Probably at home.

The actual response: He threw a tantrum so severe that he ended up arrested.

Back in October, Luke Gatti, a 19-year-old student at the University of Connecticut, attempted to buy some bacon and jalapeño macaroni-and-cheese from his school's cafeteria. He was denied service, apparently because he'd been drinking alcohol on the premises.

In a video of the incident, Luke can be seen repeatedly requesting some "fucking bacon jalapeño mac-and-cheese." When his requests are ignored, Luke tries a few different tactics, ranging from calling the manager a "fucking fag" to shoving him in the chest.

At one point during the encounter, Luke realizes he's being filmed, turns to the manager, and says, "This is gonna be posted somewhere, and you're gonna look like a fucking tool."

After shoving the manager a second time, another member of the cafeteria staff tackles Luke to the ground while screaming "You don't touch my boss!"

The video ends with Luke calling the manager a bitch, and seemingly spitting in his face. This prompts the responding officer to rush Luke out of the building, using his face to open the door. At the moment of impact, Luke makes an incredibly satisfying sound, that I guess I would transcribe as gwelpth.

Luke was charged with breach of peace in the second degree and criminal trespassing. He is currently seeking accelerated rehabilitation in his case. (This was not Luke's first brush with the law. Last year, he was reportedly arrested for disorderly conduct, which included calling a cop a "fucking nigger.")

Luke was expelled from UConn as a result of the cafeteria video. After it went viral, he issued a video apology.

Later that week, The Hartford Courant went to the cafeteria and tried the bacon jalapeño mac-and-cheese to see if it was worth getting expelled for. They said it was pretty good.

Cry-Baby #4: Robert A. Bonzani

Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: A man went through a lengthy divorce.

The appropriate response: Doing everything you can to finalize it, then moving on.

The actual response: He allegedly desecrated the grave of his ex-wife's attorney's deceased daughter.

Robert Bonzani is a urologist living in Mokena, Illinois. In 2012, he and his wife divorced. Though this was several years ago, the divorce proceedings were, as of April, still ongoing. According to a report in the Chicago Tribune, the most recent filings at the time related to child support payments.

Throughout the divorce, Robert's wife was represented by an attorney named Edward Jaquays. Back in 2012, Edward's 17-year-old daughter Kiley died in a hiking accident in Utah, where she was attending a retreat for troubled teens.

According to charges brought against Robert, he has waged a campaign of harassment against Edward Jaquays to get revenge on the lawyer for representing his wife in their divorce.

Police say that Robert stole photos and an artificial tree from Kiley's grave site, and vandalized her headstone with spray paint. He also allegedly sent several letters to Edward and his wife that mentioned their daughter. The content of those letters has not been released, but CBS reports they were "designed to cause the divorce attorney and his wife emotional pain."

Robert turned himself into police in April and was charged with criminal damage to property, theft, and stalking.

Cry-Baby #5: Jay Foster

Lanarcia Walker with two relatives. Screencaps via Google Maps and WREG

The incident: Some people cheered at a graduation ceremony after being told they weren't allowed to cheer.

The appropriate response: Shushing them or throwing them out.

The actual response: Warrants were issued for their arrest.

In May, 18-year-old Lanarcia Walker graduated from Senatobia High School in Senatobia, Mississippi.

As she made her way across the stage to collect her diploma at the school's graduation ceremony, several of her relatives in the audience shouted things at the stage. Normal, graduation-shouting things: Lanarcia's father shouted, "You did it, baby!" Another relative shouted the graduate's name.

This created a problem, as Jay Foster, the superintendent of Lanarcia's school, had asked the crowd not to applaud or cheer until the end of the ceremony. The audience had been told, according to a report on WREG Memphis, that doing so would get them kicked out of the event.

Following their outburst, four members of Lanarcia's family were asked to leave the graduation ceremony.

A couple of weeks later, the ejected family members were served with papers informing them that they were being charged with "DISTUBE PEACE," which, presumably, is the same thing as disturbing the peace.

The papers described how the family had used "loud boisterous noise" to "disturb the public peace of Jay Foster." Their bonds were set at $500 each.

"It's crazy. The fact that I might have to bond out of jail, pay court costs, or a $500 fine for expressing my love, it's ridiculous man. It's ridiculous," Henry Walker, one of the relatives served with the papers, told the press.

WREG attempted to speak to Jay Foster, the superintendent who pressed the charges. He refused to appear on camera, but reportedly told the news station that he was determined to have order at his school's graduation ceremonies.

After the story made national news, Jay Foster withdrew the charges against the family.

Cry-Baby #6: Jodie Marie Burchard-Risch

Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: A woman heard someone speaking a foreign language in an Applebee's.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: She allegedly threw a beer mug in the face of the non-English speaker.

In October, 43-year-old Jodie Marie Burchard-Risch (pictured above) was eating at an Applebee's in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, with her husband.

According to a report on Minneapolis news station KARE 11, Jodie "became upset" after noticing that a customer seated in the booth next to hers was speaking a language other than English. The customer, Asma Jama, was reportedly speaking Swahili. She was dining with her two cousins and four children, all of whom were under 11 years old.

Police say the restaurant's staff asked Jodie to leave, but she refused, instead yelling abuse at Asma. She then allegedly threw a large beer mug in Asma's face, cutting the woman's nose, eyebrow, and lips.

"Emotionally, that has destroyed me," Asma told Minnesota's Fox 9. "I've lived in Minnesota for 15 years—never has anyone even looked at me weird for not speaking English and wearing a hijab. I've seen hate crimes on TV, but for it to happen to me? I'm really a different person. I don't like it."

Jodie was arrested and charged with third degree assault.

Cry-Baby #7: Some students at Duke University

Screencaps via Google and Amazon

The incident: Some students at a university were asked to read the graphic novel Fun Home as part of a summer reading program.

The appropriate response: Reading it. Or looking it up on Wikipedia, and then pretending you read it.

The actual response: Several students refused to read the book, claiming the sex depicted in it violated their religious beliefs.

As part of its annual summer reading program, Duke University in Durham, North Carolina provided incoming freshmen in 2015 with a list of recommended books. One of the books on the list was Fun Home, an autobiographical graphic novel by Alison Bechdel, which centers on the author's experience coming to terms with her homosexuality, as well as her relationship with her father, who was a closeted gay man. The book features several illustrations of women having sex.

According to a report in the Duke Chronicle, an incoming freshman named Brian Grasso posted on the school's Class of 2019 Facebook page, explaining why he was not willing to read the book. "I feel as if I would have to compromise my personal Christian moral beliefs to read it," Brian wrote.

The Chronicle reports that another student said she "could not bring herself to view the images depicting nudity," and another told the school paper that he would not read the book due to its "pornographic nature."

Brian, the author of the Facebook post, also wrote an op-ed for theWashington Post, in which he goes into more detail about his decision not to read Fun Home.

"After researching the book's content and reading a portion of it, I chose to opt out of the assignment," Brian wrote. "My choice had nothing to do with the ideas presented. I'm not opposed to reading memoirs written by LGBTQ individuals or stories containing suicide. I'm not even opposed to reading Freud, Marx, or Darwin. I know that I'll have to grapple with ideas I don't agree with, even ideas that I find immoral."

He added that he would not be reading the book because the Bible forbids people from looking at pornographic images. "My beliefs extend to pop culture and even Renaissance art depicting sex," he wrote. Brian also believes that his professors have a duty to give him a heads-up when he might possibly be exposed to a boob: "And I believe professors should warn me about such material, not because I might consider them offensive or discomforting, but because I consider it immoral."

Cry-Baby #8: Bill Riley

Screencaps via Google Maps and Fox 6

The incident: A garbage man started his shift early.

The appropriate response: Asking him to start on time if this creates an issue. Possibly some kind of fine for repeat violations.

The actual response: He was sentenced to 30 days in jail.

In early March, Kevin McGill, a garbage man in Sandy Springs, Georgia, started his garbage pickup at 5 AM.

Because Sandy Springs has a city ordinance limiting garbage collection to between the hours of 7 AM and 7 PM, Kevin was cited for a violation. Then he was sentenced to 30 days in jail, to be served over a series of weekends.

"It was terrible—I didn't want to go in," Kevin told VICE at the time. "I didn't know what to expect, and when I got in it was worse than anything I could have imagined."

According to his lawyer, in addition to his weekend incarcerations, Kevin was also sentenced to six months probation, during which time he would be required to pay a monthly fees to the City of Sandy Springs.

Sharon Kraun, a spokesperson for the city, says that early-morning garbage truck noise is not something Sandy Springs residents will tolerate.

The harsh sentence was requested by prosecutor Bill Riley (pictured above). Riley, who deserves to be bundled up and thrown into the back of Kevin's truck because he is fucking garbage, defended the harsh sentence to Atlanta's WSB-TV, claiming that local residents have been calling 911 when the garbage collectors come early (Jesus Christ).

"Fines don't seem to work," Riley told the news station. "The only thing that seems to stop the activity is actually going to jail."

The good news is that after a media backlash over Kevin's sentencing, charges against Kevin were dropped.

"There are times when taking a step back provides the opportunity for better perspective," the Sandy Springs Solicitor's Office wrote in a statement. At the time the charges were dropped, Kevin had spent two days in jail.

Cry-Baby #9: Jerquan Dickson

Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: Some kids threw snowballs at a guy's car.

The appropriate response: Yelling something at them as you drive away.

The actual response: He shot one of them several times.

This past weekend, 22-year-old Jerquan Dickson (pictured above) was driving in York, Pennsylvania. As he passed a group of teenage boys, one of them allegedly threw a snowball at his car.

According to police, Jerquan got out of his car, chased the teens into an alleyway, and started shooting, firing six shots before fleeing. Several of these shots hit 15-year-old Johnel Barton in the arms and legs.

Jerquan was later found by police at his home. He admitted to shooting at the boy, but claims he had been trying to fire "warning shots" into the snow. He was charged with aggravated assault and recklessly endangering another person.

The kid who got shot was taken to hospital, where he was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, local news channel Fox 43 reported at the time. In August, Jerquan was sentenced to up to 23 months in prison.

Cry-Baby #10: Nicholas Allegretto

Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: A business posted a picture online of a man shoplifting from their store.

The appropriate response: Not shoplifting if you're not comfortable with that type of exposure.

The actual response: He complained to police that his human rights were being violated, which led to him being arrested.

In February, 23-year-old Nicholas Allegretto attempted to steal a magnet from Mackays, a hardware store in Cambridge, England. He was caught outside the store and made to give the magnet back. He then ran away.

After the incident, store owner Neil Mackay took a screencap of Nicholas from the security camera footage and sent it to the local newspaper. The image was also posted on social media.

" basically saying to him: 'We know who you are, our staff knows who you are, you're not very welcome, thank you very much indeed," Neil told the Daily Mail. "We'd rather you didn't come in the store."

According to Neil, the shoplifter then went to the local police station to complain that his "human rights were being abused."

The Cambridge News reports that Nicholas told police he had lost his job as a roofer, and that his sister had been bullied at school as a result of the image being made public.

According to Neil, "the police decided they had enough evidence once they looked at the CCTV images to prosecute, and that's what they've done."

Nicholas was charged with theft. He was supposed to appear in court in October, but didn't show up. He was found guilty in his absence.

"I suppose you could say he wasn't the sharpest tool in the box," said Neil. Which is a funny thing for him to say, because he owns a tool shop.

Who has been the biggest cry-baby of 2015? Let us know in this poll down here:

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Looking for ideas for what to get family and friends for Christmas this year? Here are the top-selling Christmas gifts in 2015.

• Star Wars Battlefront For The Wrong Console: Mothers everywhere are snapping up this blockbuster video game incorrectly purchased for either Xbox One or PlayStation 4, even though they were specifically asked to get it for the other device.
  
• Craftsman 6-Foot Couples Ladder: Why perform household tasks like changing light bulbs and vacuuming high windowsills by yourself when you can share them with the one you love? Now you can, with this handy 6-foot-tall, 5-foot-wide utility ladder.
  
• Cinnamon Roll–Infuser Water Bottle: For those who are tired of drinking bland, flavorless water, this new bottle from InFuzeH20 features a slick colored-glass design and extra-large infusion chamber to accommodate even the largest breakfast pastries.
  
• Brookstone Thing For Your Feet: It pulses them or ionizes them or something. It’s got ...

Look around the stands of any stadium during the fourth quarter, and you'll see it.

A professor who has been teaching conspiracy theories for 13 years and spreading false theories about the 2012 Sandy Hook shooting is finally facing termination at Florida Atlantic University.

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Take a group of dogs aching for affection and a home to call their own. Add one photo booth and a professional photographer who loves animals. These adorable photos are the results. Guinnever Shuster worked with the pups at the Humane Society of Utah (which is also selling a 2016 calendar featuring different images) by capturing their personalities on camera. Thankfully, the dogs were all successfully adopted. Brace yourself for total cuteness in our gallery.

What happens to all those letters children write to Santa Claus? Last year, Alex Palmer found out—and the history is more drama-filled than you might expect. The original essay is reprinted below.

“As artisanal food surges in popularity...the Mast Brothers’ story highlights how a company can have great success selling a product of dubious quality as something ‘artisanal’ or ‘handcrafted’ with beautiful packaging and handsome, bearded founders.” Ten dollar chocolate is worse than Martin Shkreli.

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The Marshall Project has published An Unbelievable Story of Rape, a story of two rape investigations in different parts of the country.

An 18-year-old said she was attacked at knifepoint. Then she said she made it up. That's where our story begins.

Read this. It's a powerful story.

Tags: crime

We’ve never really understood the appeal of chicken on pizza, but hey — some people really like it. So this should be good news for them, as Papa John’s has announced plans to only source chickens raised on vegetarian diets and without antibiotics.

Papa John’s uses chicken both as a chicken topping and in “chicken poppers,” but the company said today that by summer 2016 these would both come from drug-free chickens.

One thing the announcement didn’t mention: Papa John’s chicken wings.

In a statement to Consumerist, Sean Muldoon, Senior VP of Research and Development with Papa John’s, explains that “Our immediate focus was on our grilled chicken pizza toppings and chicken poppers, but we’re also in the process of working on our wings — there are complexities that make the timeline longer.”

Given that you need multiple birds just to make a single 8-piece order of hot wings — whereas you can probably get a couple pizzas’ worth of grilled chicken breast toppings from a single full-grown chicken — it might not yet be feasible for a company the size of Papa John’s to make that switch.

And of course, chicken represents just one of many meat toppings used on Papa John’s pizza. The company has not yet indicated any plans to change how it sources the beef and pork it uses for sausage, pepperoni, and other toppings.

But this is at least an improvement for the pizza chain, which recently earned an “F” on the Natural Resources Defense Council’s antibiotics report card for having no apparent policy with regard to antibiotics.

Unfortunately, PJ’s was not alone in receiving that failing grade. In fact, Pizza Hut, Domino’s, and Little Caesars were also slapped with an “F” in that report card, giving big Papa the distinction of being the first of the pizza mega-chains to do anything about curbing the overuse of antibiotics in farm animals.

However, a number of big fast food names have at least begun the process of reducing the amount of drugged-up meat they buy.

Chipotle and Panera already avoided meat from animals raised on antibiotics. Then Chick fil-A got the ball rolling in early 2015 by declaring its intention to eventually phase out the use of drugs in its birds. In March, McDonald’s announced its plans to source chickens raised without using antibiotics that are medically important to humans.

More recently, Wendy’s began testing antibiotic-free chicken in a handful of cities. Finally, Subway announced in October that it plans to have its entire menu antibiotic-free… over the next ten years.

“Papa John’s is the latest fast food chain and first major pizza chain to commit to reducing antibiotic use by its chicken suppliers and is a sign of just how far we have come since McDonald’s announcement in March,” says Steven Roach of Keep Antibiotics Working. “These commitments are a step in the right direction in combating antibiotic resistance and put the federal government to shame in the speed of action.”