Steve Dyer

beebaddie:

 

SURPRISE, BITCHES!

We ain’t even gonna make it to this club.

Beyonce giving you Harley Quinn realness

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens,

And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground. But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden. And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every word that is pleasant and unpleasant to the ear, but there was one word in the middle of the garden, and that word was the n-word. And in the garden he put white people, and told them to dress it and to keep it and to hold dominion over it.

And the Lord God spoke to white people, saying, All other words you may gladly say, and yet this n-word you may not speak, just the ONE word that’s off-limits. Literally just the one. Look at all the other words I have made for thee in this thy garden. Try saying all of them. There’s so many. 

But the white people were sore angry and said Why can’t we say it and the Lord God said Seriously I made you a whole garden of other words and the white people said Yeah that’s great and we really appreciate but can we say it just once? What about if we’re singing along to a song and it comes on the radio and it would sound sort of weird not to say it, can we say it then? and the Lord had not expected such a question.

And the serpent – which was more subtle than all the other beasts of the field – said Seems pretty unfair there’s a WHOLE WORD you can’t use, and of the white people many nodden their heads at the rightness thereof.

I don’t understand why this is such a big deal for you, the Lord God rumbled over the garden. There are so many other words to say, I’m just asking you not to say one of them. When would you even want to USE it.

‘Unno, said the white people in response to the Lord their God. Just in case, we guess. And the white people said While we’re on the subject why is there an ENTIRE MONTH about black h– and the Lord said I’m going to bed.

Enjoy the garden, or whatever, he muttered listlessly before turning off the light behind him, and the world was plunged into eternal night, and it was evening, the seventh day.

Read more The N-Word, White People, And The Book of Genesis at The Toast.

bingtoolbar:

funnuraba:

f*cking owned

Haha shit nerd train get fucked up

Read more How to Make an Aviation: A Cartoon About Booze at The Toast.

Businessweek’s cover story this week is an oral history of “The Rise and Fall of Blackberry,” where a bunch of former employees talk about the early days, as well as some of their more recent missteps, with candor and nostalgia. It is kind of amazing:

When he said, “It’s called a BlackBerry,” people started rolling their eyes. They thought it was a stupid name. This was the height of the dot-com boom. He had this dream of people getting e-mails on the move, and the feeling at the time was, “Why would anyone want their e-mails away from the office?”

Why WOULD anyone want their emails away from the office?

Also this:

One thing we missed out on was that Justin Bieber wanted to rep BlackBerry. He said, “Give me $200,000 and 20 devices, and I’m your brand ambassador,” basically. And we pitched that to marketing: Here’s a Canadian kid, he grew up here, all the teeny-boppers will love that. They basically threw us out of the room. They said, “This kid is a fad. He’s not going to last.” I said at the meeting: “This kid might outlive RIM.” Everyone laughed.

Photo: ilamont.com

Neetzan Zimmerman, formerly of The Daily What, dwarfs the traffic of all other Gawker bloggers:

Farhad Manjoo profiles the aficionado:

Mr. Zimmerman is a 32-year-old editor at the news-and-entertainment site Gawker, where he’s responsible for posting “viral” content—videos, photos, crazy local news stories—that readers can’t resist sharing with everyone they know. “Mom Fined $140 Every Day Until She Circumcises Her Child” or “Black Man Arrested Dozens of Times for ‘Trespassing’ While At Work.” With his posts generating more than 30 million page views a month, Mr. Zimmerman may be the most popular blogger working on the Web today.

Indeed, Mr. Zimmerman earns traffic so reliably that it’s tempting to dismiss him as an automaton who simply posts every sensational news story that comes along, or as a mere “aggregator” who doesn’t contribute anything original to journalism. But that take misses Mr. Zimmerman’s skill. He posts only about a dozen items a day. Almost every one becomes a big traffic hit—an astonishing rate of success. I’ve worked on the Web for years, and I still have trouble predicting which of my stories will be hits and which will appeal only to my mom. Mr. Zimmerman has somehow cracked the code.

His secret, he says, is a deep connection to his audience’s evolving, irreducibly human, primal sensibilities. Usually within a few seconds of seeing an item, Mr. Zimmerman can sense whether it’s destined to become a viral story. “I guess you could call it intuition,” he says.

Ezra draws lessons from Zimmerman’s success. Among them:

The traffic potential of the social Web is far beyond what most media sites recognize. We all might think we understand Facebook and Twitter’s power to drive traffic. But it turns out that when you actually create content specifically meant for those networks –particularly Facebook – they drive vastly more traffic than ever seemed possible.

Another:

Publishers need to spend a lot more time thinking about how to package non-social content to give it the best chance on the social Web. This is the one that I’m a bit obsessed with. Newspapers and magazines put tremendous effort into producing hard-hitting reports and beautiful long reads and then basically just hope that they take off socially. The tools they use are, for the most part, the same tools they’ve always used: Headlines and press releases, and nowadays they’ll push articles through their Facebook and Twitter accounts, too.

But they’re not routinely creating visual — much less video — promotions for their best content, even though that kind of content does much better socially.

But Facebook looks like it is going to make Zimmerman’s job harder:

Our surveys show that on average people prefer links to high quality articles about current events, their favorite sports team or shared interests, to the latest meme. Starting soon, we’ll be doing a better job of distinguishing between a high quality article on a website versus a meme photo hosted somewhere other than Facebook when people click on those stories on mobile. This means that high quality articles you or others read may show up a bit more prominently in your News Feed, and meme photos may show up a bit less prominently.

Ezra considers the implications of this development.

Today we remember Rosa Parks’ bold stand and her role in ending racism. http://t.co/uxIj1QmtkU—
RNC (@GOP) December 01, 2013

That tweet reminds me again of how anti-Christian contemporary Republicanism is. The notion that racism can “end” misreads a core Christian truth about human nature. Our vulnerability to hatred, condescension, fear of others, resentment, and generalizations about “the other” are intrinsic to what it means to be human. Racism, like greed or envy or pride, will never end. We are all always susceptible to these flaws, to what Christians have called “original sin,” and which is perhaps better expressed in the concept of the “The Human Propensity To Fuck Things Up.” Of course, these core sentiments that are part of our primate inheritance can wax and wane, they can be unleashed or restrained, and they can be instantiated in institutions and laws and customs, or not. But hatred is for ever. It knows no geographical or historical boundaries. It is intrinsic to being human, which means it is intrinsic to being American.

What Parks and so many others did was chip away at the legal architecture of institutionalized hatred and loathing. This matters – because we humans are an impressionable herd and can be encouraged to acts and thoughts of great evil by authoritative permission. So slavery was not just an evil in itself; but an incalculable fomenter of evil. Ditto segregation.

Ending these abominations can severely reduce the lazy hatred of tribe for the other – but they will never extinguish it from the human soul. The same should be said for ending the legal architecture that kept gay people in the category of “the other”. I have no illusions whatsoever that gay kids will ever be free from the taunts of others – because they are so very different at a time in life when groupthink is so overwhelming and cruel. Which is why the only long-term effective response to these hatreds is forgiveness, not revenge, to escape the cycle by self-esteem, not more anger, however justified. Eradicating hatred is a utopian folly, still entertained on the left (as in the absurdity of hate crime laws), but now also embraced by the right as a way to deny any power to history or to the fallenness of humankind. It is a Christian heresy. Which is why it has taken root in today’s “exceptionalist” far right.

For them, simply being American is itself absolution from sin. I remember once hearing Newt Gingrich actually claim that America had abolished envy. He was serious. And how can one forget that Michele Bachmann truly believed that the Founding Fathers ended slavery in their lifetimes? Once a country has replaced God as an object of worship, it can, of course, do no wrong. And history must be rewritten to account for that. This is a fantasy and a lie, and conservatism, properly speaking, should have nothing to do with it.

Previously: The Early Signs of Pregnancy.

Sudden left-handedness

Secret river awareness

Decreased acceptance

Bundles of sage appear under pillow

Moral bankruptcy

Night independence

Wrist ghosts

Dreams of murders that happen the next day in real life

Fires immediately go out when you enter the room

Roaming fulfillment

Hair turns to stone

Unexplained cackling

Increased levels of both whimsy and malice

Redefined beauty

Poisonously afraid of a fresh shock of wheat or a handsome young priest

Increased roaring/sandstorms

Bones turn into filmy light-blue scarves

Sudden-onset cronery

Bathing in whirlpools

Hill dancing

Wickedness

Inducing suicide in young lovers

Hearing but not understanding the language of the stars

Ground freezes under your feet

Taking the form of a gigantic bird on February 1

Able to remotely control flight patterns of up to thirty birds at a time

Curses increase in strength and duration

Ability to unite warring tribal chieftains increases

Brain triplication

Stick hoarding

Warding off death and evil

Hexing cattle

Sleep paralysis (in others)

Sleeping in River Trees

Disappearing from mortal eyes during the winter months

Unexplained increase in long, bloodred cloaks

Defeating Satan in all-night chess games

Occasional early-morning haggery

Tide-induced migraines

Bile tears

Wrestling Thor

Increased rivalry with the Infernal Crocodile

Riding upon the storm, blessing the fields of the enemies of your rivals

Mountain mastery

[Image via Nordic Wiccan]

Read more The Invisible Signs of Aging at The Toast.

Most recently in this series: Halloween Planning.

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Katie
Date: November 4, 2013
Subject: LADIES it’s November

Hey ladies,

Halloween success? I think so. I thought Orange is the New Black was a great choice at the end. I’m sorry for being bitchy about it that night and the 30 days prior to Halloween but the holidays always stress me out :) You know how it is!

Oh also as a side note: I ended up taking the new position!! The one that pays more money (ahhh). So maybs we can pull together a brunch or drinks? Will someone send that email (there’s something really desp about sending your own email for this kind of thing).

So this may sound super weird but I noticed that book clubs are trending, and I think we should start one.

We can like pick a book, read it, and then like hang out and drink wine and talk about it??

IDEAS FOR BOOKS:

Something Borrowed (the movie is so good!!)

Tuesdays With Morrie (sad and I hear it’s a classic)

Catch-22 (????)

On The Road (always reminds me of that guy I dated that moved to Wyoming to start a hemp farm so maybe not </3)

Anything by Jodi Picoult??????

BOOKS BY STRONG WOMEN ARE REALLY TRENDING RIGHT NOW:

Lean In (forget who wrote it but she’s friends with the Facebook CEO)

A Place Of Yes by Bethenny Frankel!! She also wrote Skinnydipping which I read but would read again (so so so good, who knew she could write)

Okay so when we pick (send your votes!) we can figure out a schedule (a chapter a week or whatever) and then figure out a place to meet and talk about it and then also pick who brings what (would be cute to do like mimosas and croissants?)

EMAIL ME BACK ASAP want to do this before Hanukkah starts.

x’s and o’s for days,

Katie

To: Ali; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Morgan
Date: November 4, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hey girlies!

I love this idea!! Tuesdays and Sunday afternoons work best for me. But I can also make Mondays work if we do it after 10:30p. Might be able to make Wednesdays work too depending on my therapist’s schedule. Saturday and Thursday and Friday might work also, depending on the week.

Those are great book suggestions!! My faves of them are either Lean In or Tuesdays with Morrie!! I can do some research and see if Oprah has any recent picks via O Magazine or OWN.

Some other ideas too off the top of my head:

Eat Pray Love
The Joy Luck Club (would be cool to have a multicultural perspective)
The Four Hour Work Week
He’s Just Not That Into You – I mean. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Or what about something gearing up for the holidays?? Like the screenplay of Love, Actually??

Can’t wait!!!
Morgan

To: Morgan L; Ali; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen
From: Gracie (work)
Date: November 6, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hey all,

This is actually a really good idea. At my old job, we had a monthly book club and it was a really great way to not only force yourself to commit to a book but also to get to know the people you work with. Would love to start doing this as a group.

I have NW by Zadie Smith on my list as well as a few others. I’d rather stay away from Lean In :) but let me know if any of those titles sound appealing. I have NW on my kindle and can share the book with anyone who has a kindle or the kindle app on their phone, if cost is at all a concern!

Thanks for including me :)

Gracie

To: Gracie (work); Morgan L; Ali; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: November 8, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hiiii girls!

Aww, thanks for offering to share NW with all of us, but I gotta be honest. I read her essay on The Social Network and while she does possess a unique perspective of attending Harvard during the Golden Age of Natalie Portman/Zuckerberg/Winkleviimania, I think we can all agree her viewpoint was reductive and filled with ideological fallacies.

I think we should read A People’s History of the United States. Or Dave Barry Does Japan.

Luv,
Nicole

To: Nicole; Gracie (work); Morgan L; Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen
From: Katie
Date: November 9, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hi ladies,

Nicole where did you lift that first sentence from, like, Wikipedia?

Okay everyone has such amazing ideas but I think we should either do:

Lean In or Love, Actually screenplay (seasonal is fun!!!!!!! Plus there are so many levels in that movie because it’s literally about like 8 different love stories)

What about Angela’s Ashes?????????

Wait has anyone read The Carrie Diaries????

Also wherever we get together can we make sure the place is completely gluten free???????

Ali are you reading these???? Lol

Xoxoxoxoox
Katie

To: Katie; Nicole; Gracie (work); Morgan L; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 11, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hey BETCHES,

All these ideas sound great!! Katie is such an AMAZING planner, can’t wait to see how it all turns out!!

I would love to read whatever book you choose. My only teeny tiny request is that we lock down a time ASAP. My calendar is booking up what with all the holiday parties and benefits and galas I’lll be attending as Mike’s +1. You can email my intern some times and she should be able to help you out. Also, it would be really fun to eat clean and holistically while coordinating with the theme of whatever book we choose. I’m reading this really fun book right now that I “borrowed” from Mike hahaha he’s gonna have to see me soon to get it back hahha. Anyway, it’s by Sun Tzu and I HIGHLY recommend it.

X Ali

—-

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War

To: Ali; Katie; Nicole; Gracie (work); Morgan L; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen
From: Ashley
Date: November 12, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Ladies,

Can we do a Tuesday in December???????? I’m trying to do yoga everyday before and after work so I can just let go on thanksgiving day hahah (Ahhh I’m so fat).

Ash

To: Ashley; Ali; Katie; Nicole; Gracie (work); Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: November 13, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Yeah!!!! Tuesdays in November works great for me!!!!!!

Let’s make cute flans!!!!!!!

LUV,
Morgan

To: Morgan; Ashley; Ali; Katie; Gracie (work); Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: November 13, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Tuesdays in November!!!! WOOT!!!

Should we do it at someone’s apartment?? Who has more than two chairs???

xo,
Nicole

To: Morgan L; Ali; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen
From: Gracie (work)
Date: November 15, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hey guys,

Seems like we have to work out some scheduling kinks. But any more ideas on books?

I was thinking – beautiful ruins by Jess Walter is supposedly great. Anyone read any good reviews? Open to trying something off the beaten path.

Gracie

To: Gracie (work); Morgan L; Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen
From: Gracie (work)
Date: November 15, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Ladies,

Renting furniture…….should I? I can get a chaise lounge brought in if we do it at my apartment.

Katie

PS thanks so so SOOOO much for saying i am a good planner ali!! means the world to hear it from you!!!!!

To: Katie; Gracie (work); Morgan L; Ali; Allison; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen
From: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com
Date: November 15, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

WAIT!!!! HOLD. EVERYTHING.

NEW YEAR’S EVE.

What are we doing?????????

Write back,
Charlotte

To: Katie; Gracie (work); Morgan L; Allison; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com
From: Ali
Date: November 17, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hello ladies!!

hahha, been working on New Year’s Eve plans for MONTHS silly!!!! This is my signature event and you girls will NOT be disappointed!!! Start saving and getting vaccinated now!!!

In the meanwhile, for the “book club event” — I think renting furniture is a great idea! Where do we stand on sushi rollers and smoothie artists to man the blender? And is there a final book yet? A true leader knows when to be decisive, right Katie?

We busy ladies will need time to read it of course. I’ll prob do all my reading during squats at the gym. I do so many and get down really low, so the book will practically read itself.

Loves!
Ali

—
“We’re bigger than we ever dreamed,
And I’m in love with being queen.”
- Lorde

To: Ali; Katie; Gracie (work); Morgan L; Allison; Caitlin; Nicole S; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com
From: Ashley
Date: November 20, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Hi Ladies!

Do we know if The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet was based on a book???

Can someone do a google??

Love!
Ash

To: Katie; Gracie (work); Morgan L; Allison; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com
From: Ali
Date: November 21, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Ladies,

Where do we stand on November’s book club? Should we just forget about it, and start focusing on New Years?? Katie — no worries if you wanna just forget about this months. It’s so hard to plan these things, no one would blame you for not being able to handle coordinating all the details. Like Jack Nicholson said in The Departed, heavy lies the crown, you know?

Besos.
Ali!

To: Morgan L; Ali; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen
From: Gracie (work)
Date: November 21, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

So I started reading The Circle on my Kindle. Anyone wanna borrow? We can be more casual about it, no need for a big thing.

Gracie

To: Gracie (work); Morgan L; Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Jen
From: Katie
Date: November 23, 2013
Subject: RE: LADIES it’s november

Yeah…so…I think we are def over the book club idea.

So yes. New Years!!!!! Okay. I wanna do something good this year and that does not mean the LES (like I’m sorry, but LITTTERALLY no).

Thoughts???? Wouldn’t mind paying a lot for a GOOD party.

xoxoox 2014 is going to be our best year yet!

Katie

Read more Hey Ladies: Book Club at The Toast.

I have no whimsical or intelligent introduction with which to frame this. Sometimes things just happen:

The female chief executive officer of Archie Comics is being sued for gender discrimination by her male employees.

Nancy Silberkleit’s lawyers claim the suit is baseless because the employees, all white men, don’t belong to a protected class.

You have my attention. Do go on:

The five employees — including Archie president Mike Pellerito and editor-in-chief Victor Gorelick — claim that Silberkleit used “gender as a weapon” to degrade them, for example, by refusing to call them by their names and instead referring to all of them as “Penis.” They also accuse her of frequently yelling “Penis! Penis! Penis!” in staff meetings.

According to court records, “[p]laintiffs fail to allege that any such comments were directed at any of the plaintiffs in particular, or they could cause extreme emotional distress even if they had been.”

But the employees contend that “the word ‘penis’ became somewhat of a campaign slogan and her preferred method of referring to employees in lieu of their names.”

“So we go to printer by the sixth, and then –”

“PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!”

“…go to printer by the sixth, which means we should be able to ship by–”

“PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!”

Please feel to picture that scene from 30 Rock where Tracy screams “PANTS! PANTS! PANTS!” but with the CEO of Archie Comics and the word “PENIS!” instead for the rest of the afternoon. That’s what I will be doing.

Read more The Secret Misandry of Archie Comics at The Toast.

The Dish nine years ago posted the following exchange between a reporter and Reagan spokesman Larry Speakes, but it’s still a useful reminder of how far the country has come since October 15, 1982:

Q: Larry, does the President have any reaction to the announcement from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, that AIDS is now an epidemic and have over 600 cases?
MR. SPEAKES: What’s AIDS?
Q: Over a third of them have died. It’s known as “gay plague.” (Laughter.) No, it is. I mean it’s a pretty serious thing that one in every three people that get this have died. And I wondered if the President is aware of it?
MR. SPEAKES: I don’t have it. Do you? (Laughter.)
Q: No, I don’t.
MR. SPEAKES: You didn’t answer my question.
Q: Well, I just wondered, does the President …
MR. SPEAKES: How do you know? (Laughter.)
Q: In other words, the White House looks on this as a great joke?
MR. SPEAKES: No, I don’t know anything about it, Lester.
Q: Does the President, does anyone in the White House know about this epidemic, Larry?
MR. SPEAKES: I don’t think so. I don’t think there’s been any …
Q: Nobody knows?
MR. SPEAKES: There has been no personal experience here, Lester.
Q: No, I mean, I thought you were keeping …
MR. SPEAKES: I checked thoroughly with Dr. Ruge this morning and he’s had no – (laughter) – no patients suffering from AIDS or whatever it is.
Q: The President doesn’t have gay plague, is that what you’re saying or what?
MR. SPEAKES: No, I didn’t say that.
Q: Didn’t say that?
MR. SPEAKES: I thought I heard you on the State Department over there. Why didn’t you stay there? (Laughter.)
Q: Because I love you Larry, that’s why (Laughter.)
MR. SPEAKES: Oh I see. Just don’t put it in those terms, Lester. (Laughter.)
Q: Oh, I retract that.
MR. SPEAKES: I hope so.
Q: It’s too late.

(Photo: U.S. President Barack Obama speaks about AIDS during a World AIDS Day event in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building on December 2, 2013. On the 25th anniversary of World AIDS Day, President Obama announced that funding to prevent AIDS will be increased by 100 million dollars. By Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

Hello Americans. Today we are writing very slowly, because we know that you don’t read very fast. Or good. And we promise to stay away from complicated math, simple math, and any scientific theories more complicated than gravity, because apparently our kids isn’t learning very good. At all. According to a test administered to 15-year-olds all over the world, per The Hill, “U.S. students failed to reach the top 20 rankings in math, science or reading, according to the National Center for Education Statistics, which organizes the data.”

We’re number 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1!!! Let’s sexplore what who is more smarter than us. 

In an attempt to validate stereotypes that Americans already hold, teens from Asian countries (South Korea, Hong Kong, Japan, and Singapore) scored the best.

And after decades of being the butt of American jokes about screwing in light bulbs, Poles will now be asking how many Americans it takes to do simple households tasks, as Poland kicked our ass in all three parts of the test.

Ireland, where a seven-course dinner consists of a potato and a six-pack of Guinness, also beat the snot out of U.S. American kids in all three areas.

Even countries we can’t find on a map, like Estonia, kicked our red, white, and blue ass. Perhaps not being able to find it on a map is a metaphor for why we did worse than 18 other educational systems, like such as, so we will be able to build up our future.

But it’s not all bad news! The Slovak Republic only received higher scores in math, so fuck those guys with something literary and/or sciencey!

In an effort to state the obvious, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan said that the results were “at odds with our aspiration to have the best-educated, most competitive work force in the world.”

His solution?

“We must invest in early education, raise academic standards, make college affordable, and do more to recruit and retain top-notch educators,” Duncan said.

That’s just plain crazy talk. We look forward to the House of Representatives’ solution: Repeal Obamacare.

[The Hill / Program for International Student Assessment]

Mallory said it was okay to be proud of being just a little bit gay, even if that’s just really liking Kate McKinnon and thinking about her randomly, at odd moments, so now you have to listen to me break down McKinnon’s Angela Merkel impression.

Here is the video. If you are Canadian (and probably if you are from Australia, or other places, too) you may not be able to see it. That’s okay, because I’m going to tell you about it in exhaustive detail, and I’m sure you have some sort of workaround network that will be revealed in the comments.

Have you watched it yet? I mean, don’t lose your job over it. Let’s begin.

1. Correct pronounciation of “Ahngella” by Cecily Strong.

The Germans have their own ways.

2. Correct use of “mobile” over “cell phone.”

It’s the little things.

3. The way her eyes flit down and to the right when she says “eins is the loneliest number.”

McKinnon’s Merkel is deeply sympathetic. How would you like it if the NSA had access to all your personal electronic data? Ho ho ho ho. Semi-seriously, though, McKinnon uses the weird rigidity of the imagined Merkel to make her obvious embarrassment really touching.

4. “During this time, I also sent many tiny ee-youuu-mails. You call this…(slightly recoils head, bares teeth) texts.”

The best line readings in the history of the world. Anyone can do an accent to humourous effect. But if the accent is the joke, it’s only half a joke. I don’t even know how to write out how she said “eu-mails.” “Eughh-mails?” It’s perfect.

5. She looks up to gather emotional strength before telling us about the many shameful tiny ooo-mails she has sent, including to her ex-boyfriend Friedrichs: “Sorry, wrong Friedrichs. But how are you doing?”

The charm is in the thinness of the facade. We’re her friends now. She’s okay telling us about her transparent play to attract Friedrichs’ attention. She also knows it was transparent. Angela Merkela is no fool, just undone by love as are the rest of us orbiting the sun on our fragile blue planet.

6. The moment when she loses all composure, as it occurs to her that Barack Obama may have seen her Google search history.

Let’s draw a momentary veil over her pain.

7. “No, we have a saying in Germany: once the cat is out of the bag you should the cat up in the public square und shake it until it dies.”

That’s the whole idea of confessional blogging, right there.

8. The contents of her search history:

a) “angela merkel lame”
b) “angela merkel boxy”
c) “is toe hair normal?”
d) “nickelback tour schedule”
e) “jason segel no shirt”

9. What Barack Obama’s search history is probably like, according to Merkel:

a) “how to manage your many friends”
b) “what is the healthiest vegetable” (perfect moue of disdain and mild envy)
c) “can your marriage be too happy?”
d) jason segel fully clothed

10. Her little litany of success as she begins to perk back up, freed by her disclosure, joined in the spirit of sisterhood with Cecily and her female audience, mildly sexually charged by the attention of her male audience.

Germany sounds pretty great right now! Female leaders!

11. “I’m a proud hater of dogs.”

Have you googled “angela merkel hates dogs?” yet? Will you? Did you like her little strut of satisfaction on that one?

12. “I’m doing all right.”

Yes, you are. Yes you are.

Read more The Best Parts of Kate McKinnon’s Angela Merkel Impression at The Toast.

jessicachastains:

Here’s a look at the most likely of animal interactions — those that hew closely to predictable predator/prey relationships. As you might expect, the majority of these animals have never met and have no particular bond with one another, although we can guess that if they were to ever meet, their reactions would range from general indifference to outright hostility, as this is the way of all things.

Here are a cat and a baby duck who have never met.

This cat has made no surprising interspecies friendships.

These chicks are being raised by their biological mother, according to custom, rather than by a friendly cat.

Here is a baby elephant who has never bonded with a sheep after his mother’s death.

This elephant is, as pictured, alone.

This sheep has no idea that the elephant even exists, and vice versa.

All over the world — every day — animals you would never expect to meet never meet. They go about their normal routines, interacting only with the animals it makes sense for them to interact with. Here is a deer that has never deviated from its typical behavior by helping a mother bird guard her eggs.

This deer has a lot to do; guarding a clutch of eggs is not on his list.

These baby birds are not aware of the existence of deer in general, much less this deer in particular.

Unlike in the popular movie, this fox and hound are not close friends.

This fox is not looking for a friend.

This hound socializes exclusively with humans. He has no idea what he is missing.

They have never gambolled together in a sunny field. They will never be torn apart by social forces and angry farmers outside of their control. Never will the fox sigh dreamily to the hound, “We’ll be friends forever, won’t we?” because they do not know one another, and because we live in a world without magic.

Here is a baby bear that has never snuggled with a tiny, warm piglet.

He might as well live in a world free of piglets entirely.

How can you miss something that you’ve never known?

Here you will see a picture of a turtle who was raised by other turtles. They died, as turtles do, and he continued to live until he died, without ever riding adorably across a flooded river on the back of a friendly hippo who helped to raise him, despite their many differences.

This is a turtle qua turtle.

Here is the hippo, who has never touched a turtle, except perhaps once by accident. They have no relationship whatever to speak of.

This hippo will never know the joys of raising an orphaned turtle.

This monkey has never seen a baby tiger, and would not know what to do if it did.

This baby tiger has never seen a monkey, but it would figure out what to do pretty quickly if he ever saw one.

He would eat it without a second thought.

All over the world, animals are eating and ignoring each other, “friendship” being a human construct that does not enter into their daily struggle for survival. They would eat you too, given half a chance. If the hills beyond your home were just a bit more wild, if you wandered just a bit too far afield, if your glasses slipped from your breast pocket and you stumbled for just a moment, they would eat you too.

Read more A Slideshow Of Different Animals Who Are Not Friends And Have Never Met at The Toast.

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Celebrities With Inverted Eyes and Mouths (21 Pics)

https://twitter.com/robdelaney/status/407211883502895104

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