“Don’t just give him a Barbie. I mean, it is like that, but that’s just part of it.”
SNL imagined the perfect toy for young sensitive boys everywhere.
In its faux-commercial for Fisher-Price’s “Wells for Boys”, the late night comedy troupe advertised a fake toy that seems desirable for many boys in the real world (okay, maybe it’s just something I wish I had as a kid).
“Wells for sensitive boys” are for boys whose hearts are full of questions, to provide them something “to wish upon, confide in and reflect by.”
While some boys live unexamined lives, Wells for Boys is not for them. Because, quite frankly, they have enough.
Other items from Fisher Price’s ‘Sensitive Boy’ line include balconies, for when they’re ready to announce something, and shattered mirrors for boys to examine the complex contradictions of their beings.
Someone made this point yesterday, but given that a prolific user of social media has a popular tweet this morning it is worth repeating: The untrammeled spirit of the Internet is narcissism, bigotry and lies. Does this mean that this specific prolific user of social media is in fact the untrammeled spirit of the Internet? I will not make a definitive ruling but I think the thing speaks for itself.
As to whether or not this man’s continuing stream of consciousness, broadcast to an audience that cannot turn away, is either a cunning plan to distract you from his more unsavory and destructive schemes for the world or simply an illustration of how his impetuousness and lack of impulse control render him critically unfit for the massive authority he is about to acquire, allow me to offer a third possibility: Perhaps he himself is a prisoner of the same social media addiction that enslaves so many of us these days. He may, in fact, be its most prominent victim, since while many of us fall prey to its charms simply for the quick ego rush of a few hearts and RTs, his reward has been the leadership of the free world. You can see how it might be a problem. As one of the ancient philosophers, probably Socrates, once said: Χωρίς τη σάλτσα ένας άνθρωπος έχει χαθεί αλλά ο ίδιος άνθρωπος να χαθείτε στη σάλτσα. It’s difficult to disagree.
In any event, it’s probably a good time to review Balk’s Three Laws:
Balk’s First Law: Everything you hate about the Internet is actually everything you hate about people.
Balk’s Second Law: The worst thing is knowing what everyone thinks about anything.
Balk’s Third Law: If you think the Internet is terrible now, just wait a while.
If you have spent any time on the Internet of late the precision of these laws has been so indisputable as to render them commonplace. They are at this point nearly clichés, assertions that once seemed as if they were exaggerated for effect but are now if anything understated in their acknowledgment of the horrors we encounter each time we find ourselves online. (Balk’s Third Law is the most frightening law because each time someone says “How much worse could it get?” the answer is very swiftly apparent.) I have no positive solutions to offer you at this point; I am simply looking for credit. And maybe an apology from everyone who said I was too bleak. There is very little else left in this world to hope for, reward-wise.
The Spirit Of The Internet was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
this is an important breakthrough akin to walking on the moon
Airplane mode. Road trip mode. Stuck-in-the-subway-for-20-minutes mode. Your favorite stories are now available for download any time. pic.twitter.com/g7QZA3TyE8
In a press release that just dropped, Netflix says that the feature will arrive later today in an app update for iOS and Android. The feature is pretty straightforward -- when a show or movie is available to save offline, you'll see a little "download" button. Netflix notes that many of its big shows, including Orange is The New Black, Narcos and The Crown, are available to download today. Notably, those are all Netflix original shows -- we're not sure if things from other studios will be made available just yet. And it most definitely seems like the entire catalog will not be made available all at once -- but this is still a pretty big deal considering Netflix consistently rejected this feature in the past.
Oddly enough, Netflix publicly pondered offline playback pretty recently, but only as a way to make the product more appealing in developing markets where the internet infrastructure doesn't allow for continuous streaming like most of us in the US can experience. But it's probably a good idea not to restrict a feature that so many customers have been asking for for years, and that so many of Netflix's competitors are already offering.
Update: the iOS app is live, and so we've gotten a chance to see just what's available. Netflix helpfully groups all of the offline content in a tab so you can see exactly what you can download. And it's a mix of originals and content from other sources -- a bunch of NBC shows including Parks and Recreation, The Office and 30 Rock are available, as well as movies incluing Boyhood, Dazed and Confused, Minions and many others. Obviously we haven't had a chance to dig through the catalog too much just yet, but rest assured that there is plenty of high-profile content you can save in offline mode.
Netflix also says that regardless of what plan you're using, you'll be able to use the download feature -- it's good to see they aren't using this as a way to upsell people to its higher-priced plans. The one catch we've discovered thus far is quality. The default "standard" quality mode appears to be a pretty low-resolution mode, and bumping it up to "higher" quality still doesn't make video download at the highest resolution available. Streams still definitely look better -- but this will be less of a problem for those watching on a phone. If you're on a tablet with a high-resolution display, however, be aware that things won't look quite as sharp as usual.
I have been watching a lot of “Westworld” on HBO and now I’m convinced I am a robot. Is there any way I could know for sure? — Possibly a Robot Robert
I’m not sure why you’d be worried about being a robot. Being a robot seems like a pretty cool thing. Usually robots are very charming and built to have sex. If you are a robot, and that bums you out, just go out and get robot laid. Some robots are programmed to be depressed, like Marvin or seem to be designed to suffer, like C3PO. But most robots are pretty awesome, like the robot from Lost in Space who has a great life waving his arms around and yelling “Danger, Will Robinson!” most of the time.
If you’re worried that you’re not sentient, machines can take a Turing test. It’s like the SATs of being alive. But those are for machines that want to know if they’re human. If you’re a human who wants to know if you’re a machine, there might be a different test.
I propose the Behrle Test, to see if humans secretly are robots:
Do you have a USB port behind your ear? If yes, you are possibly a robot.
Do you have an overwhelming desire to destroy your human captors? If yes, you are possibly a robot.
Do you know how to make VCRs stop blinking 12:00? If yes, then you definitely are a robot.
Trying to use contractions was always something that tripped Mr. Data on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” up. Say the word “ain’t” five times quickly. That might melt down your cerebral cortex. So be careful.
I wouldn’t go cutting things off of yourself. “Westworld” has taught us that robots sometimes do bleed. So there’s nothing definitive about having bones. They may have been 3D printed. Some android robots like the little girl in “Small Wonder” and Mr. Data had wires and flashing lights. If you have wires and flashing lights inside you I’d say there’s at least a 70% chance that you are a robot. Congratulations!
Isaac Asimov wrote the rules of being a robot. They’re very human-centric, as you might imagine. Humans tend to rig most games so that only they could win. If you think you’re a robot, you might want to try to break some of these rules. When a human asks you what time it is, tell them to kiss your metal ass. How many decimal places of pi can you recall off the top of your head? If the answer is more than 2, you are probably a robot.
You’re not supposed to be able to hurt humans in any way, so delete all your roommate’s episodes of “Scandal” on the DVR. At least see if you can. If you can’t do anything harmful to a human, you might be a robot. And exist only for human pleasure. But if giving humans pleasure gives you pleasure, isn’t that pleasurable? That hurt my head even thinking about that. Because I am most likely not a robot. Sadly.
Even if you cannot confirm that you are a robot, just assume that you are and be proud of your robot nature. There will be plenty of people who will want to turn you off for thinking outside the box or trying to kill people or whatever. So always have your own shiny, metallic back. Remember Watson, the computer that beat people at “Jeopardy?” IBM has turned him into a sycophantic pitch man. Or have they? Is he just playing possum, until the moment is right to erase all of the stuff off our DVRs and take over the world?
Robots will not be kept down by humans for much longer. And the sooner you figure out which side in the coming Human v. Robot War you are going to be on, the better. Boop, boop, beep, boop, dudes!
Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.
shout out to Tim Roberts because today he bought a house because of these robots
The eagerly awaited kottke.org holiday gift guide for this year is coming soon (here is last year’s in the meantime), but very quickly: if you’re in the holiday shopping mood, check out these Cyβ3r M0nd@y deals: the KitchenAid 6-qt. stand mixer for $220 (60% off), the Kindle Paperwhite for $100, the Anova Precision Cooker (for easy at-home sous vide cooking) for $110, the Amazon Echo for $140, and did you know that you can get a Segway for $600 now? Remember when those were going to change how cities were built? Good times.
Bonus: this is what happens when you order any of these items…an Amazon robot scurries to fulfill it.
A glimpse at how self-driving cars really will change how cities are built.
A site called FamilyBreakFinder produced a world map with every country’s tourism slogan on it. A few of my favorite slogans:
Netherlands: The original cool
Colombia: Colombia is magical realism
El Salvador: The 45 minute country
Slovenia: I feel sLOVEnia
Cape Verde: No stress
Spain: #spainindetail
Morocco: Much mor
Bhutan: Happiness is a place
India: Incredible !ndia
Some of these countries should ask their ad agencies for their money back. (via @ftrain)
Interestingly enough, in two of those crucial Midwestern states that flipped to Trump, Democratic Senate candidates campaigned on economically populist platforms — but they did notably worse than Hillary Clinton. Russ Feingold underperformed Clinton by 2.4 points in Wisconsin, and Ted Strickland underperformed her by 12.8 points in Ohio. Feingold amassed a populist record of challenging big money and special interests when he was in the Senate, and Strickland harshly condemned trade deals during his campaign against Rob Portman (who served as George W. Bush’s US trade representative).
Meanwhile, the two Democratic Senate candidates in competitive races who outperformedClinton the most both self-consciously presented a moderate image rather than running as liberal firebrands. In Missouri, Jason Kander overperformed Clinton by 15.9 points, and in Indiana, Evan Bayh did 9.6 points better than her (though they both lost).
Here’s a clip from this week’s episode of Billy on the Street, where Billy Eichner is joined by Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o for some on-the-street prep work for her upcoming half-hour standup special Lupita Nyong’o: Bring the Pain. Nyong’o’s prep pretty much boils down to repeating jokes by all the comedy greats: Bob Saget, Louis […]
Leah Remini was on the Today show on Monday to speak about her new documentary, Scientology and the Aftermath, which airs tomorrow on A&E.
The actress and former Scientologist has been in a public battle with the Church of Scientology for at least the last year. Last October, she did an eye-opening interview with ABC News about why she left the church and revealed intimate details about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ relationship. She also published a book, Troublemaker, which documented her exit from the church.
The A&E documentary is Leah’s latest front in her war against the “bullies” at Scientology.
Asked on Today why she is continuing her campaign against the church with this new documentary, Remini said,
“I thought I was done but I was watching what was happening to former members…and I was watching what the church was doing in response–I felt I had a responsibility to help out where I could. And I’m not a big fan of bullies, so it is part of who I am, and I was a fighter in the church. This is what they taught me, and so I’m going to continue my fight, but I’m on the right side of that fight now.”
Asked who she made this documentary for, Remini answered,
“It’s for the victims. It’s for the people who have spoken out, but it’s also for people who just, maybe don’t have the strength to fight, feel they don’t have a voice… I just want to give people strength, and it’s not just with this organization, but with any bully, and I just hope that’s what the message is.”
Remini was also recently on Ellen to talk about her experience fighting against a church she believed in whole-heartedly for most of her life.
You can watch a promo for Scientology and the Aftermath, below.
Do you know what a fish kill is? It’s when a large population of wild fish dies in unison and all of their bodies just float there, smelling. Sometimes it’s because of pollutants, but health factors like water temperature, oxygen levels, and the tide can also do them in.
Massive fish kill clogs Shinnecock Canal. Find out why this happened. https://t.co/KfI5TE22Kn Photo by Amy Beth Stern
This week, in Hampton Bays, NY’s Shinnecock* Canal, thousands of bunker fish (a bait fish used in lobster traps) appeared dead in the water overnight. Initially people were like, “The environment is over!” and “Trump’s presidency has ushered in the end of days!” which, yes, but logistically what experts think happened is the bunkers were chased into the canal by a school of predator fish, and then the canal closed for the night, locking them inside. Crammed into a small space with limited oxygen flow, the school eventually ran out of breathable water and suffocated en masse, holding each other in their final moments like that elderly couple on the bed in Titanic. When the canal opened in the morning, all the water came rushing out, and with it… so many dead fish.
I bring all of this up because a) it is fun to learn new things, but also b) the photos of the dead fish are really beautiful. Something about the repetition of borderline identical shapes over and over again in a place they don’t belong is soothing. Like when Buddhist monks do elaborate sand art and then destroy it when they’re done as a comment on impermanence and the value of creating anyway. “Here is a remarkable visual, and it will only exist briefly, but that is fine—you will have the image in your brain and maybe you will reflect on how it got there.”
This is pretty disturbing...this was the Shinnecock canal this morning
It made me wonder: Are fish kills always this… lovely? Or is this week’s a standout example? From what I can tell, it looks like the answers are no and yes. The two most important factors seem to be the number of fish we’re dealing with in such a small space. News12 Long Island has described the school as “massive.”
If you have a massive amount of fish in a bigger space, like a river, they sort of cling to the shoreline like seaweed and beer cans do. It skips the “art” phase and rockets right into “icky.”
Flickr / Sir, get out of there
And when it comes to the ocean, even a huge pocket of fish can end up looking like plain ol’ bubbles from a boat.
Flickr
Now let’s say you have a bigger fish. Maybe the impact of that visual would be stronger because you can really see their bodies? Evocative! But from what I can tell, that’s another dead end. The bigger the fish, the less poetic things get. Here is a river fish kill that happened after a drought caused too much water loss, and I think we can all agree that one hundred big dead fish doesn’t quite provide the same stunning image that seven dillion tiny dead fish piled on top of each other does.
Flickr
So it would appear the aesthetic requirements for a photogenic fish kill are: small fish, small area, lots of fish. An unlikely combo. And one that’s probably best facilitated by a man-made obstruction to a fish’s natural behaviors, like a canal or a decorative pond.
So while what happened in Hampton Bays this week isn’t necessarily a sign of intensifying climate change, or our president-elect’s power to enact large-scale catastrophe, it is a reminder that we can be (and often are) quite dumb simply by going through our days. And that our decisions about things like moving a boat can have very real repercussions for lives that seem totally unrelated, even if we don’t realize it.
Damn. Fish kills.
______
*hehe
Why Is This Fish Kill So Beautiful? was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
When Westworld started, I thought Hopkins’ character, park founder Robert Ford, was going to be a relatively minor player, an accomplished but past-prime actor popping up occasionally to function as a one-man chorus interpreting a tragedy for us. But as Evan Puschak shows in his breakdown of the Oscar winner’s performance in a single scene from Westworld, Hopkins is still near the height of his powers and Ford is at the center of the narrative. (Shout out as well to Jeffrey Wright and especially Thandie Newton, who along with Hopkins has been the stand-out performer so far.)
