Steve Dyer

My friend Sarah’s little brothers Nick and Alex are 10 and eight years old, respectively. Sarah is one of my best and oldest friends, so I’ve known Alex since he was born and Nick since he was just a kneebiter. With their parents’ permission, of course, they kindly took some time out from their busy schedules of watching Adventure Time and playing video games to chat with me about their career aspirations, taxes and how best to manage one’s money.

What do you guys want to be when you grow up?

Alex: Ninja.

Nick: I’ll be a pilot. Wait, actually a basketball player and a pilot.

How come?

Alex: Because it’s cool. You can have swords.

Nick: Because my favorite sport is basketball and it was always my dream of playing it. And then I can fly jets and planes. I’m also going to be a cowboy and other people.

What other people?

Nick: Well, um, I’m going to be noticed.

Why are people going to notice you?

Nick: I’m going to do good deeds, stuff like that. I’m going to look good for all the people.

And they’re just going to love it so much that they’ll give you money?

Nick: Yeah. And I’m going to be the cleanest and put deodorant on 10 times a day.

The deodorant company will pay you for smelling so good because of their deodorant?

Nick: You can also buy the deodorant sticks at Kroger for probably only one dollar.

If they pay you because you’re making it popular, that’s called a sponsorship. If you’re a super attractive male model and you wear their deodorant all the time and you’re like “I love this deodorant,” then they might give you money.

Nick: Sweet.

Alex, what’s the best part of being a ninja?

Alex: Helping people. Stopping bad guys.

What kind of training do you need to do that?

Alex: Maybe, you know those things that you do, it’s like high, those things for practicing for boxing?

You mean the hanging bags?

Alex: The hanging bags. Maybe also train in cutting lots of things with my sword.

Are you guys going to make a lot of money?

Alex: Yes.

Nick: Yes.

Where are you going to get it from?

Alex: The bank.

Nick: People.

Nick, how are you going to split your time between being a basketball player and a cowboy and a pilot?

Nick: I’m going to do it over the weekends.

You’re just going to work all the time?

Nick: Yeah, but on some of the weeks I’m just going to take breaks and on Saturdays.

What are you going to do on your breaks?

Nick: Buy video games and play them.

What else are you going to buy?

Nick: I’m also going to buy stuff that we need and pay my taxes. ‘Cause the government ain’t shuttin’  down my house.

You don’t want them to do that.

Nick: That would be stupid ’cause they would also shut down your power. That would be the stupidest thing in your life.

If you don’t have power you can’t play your video games.

Nick: And even worse, they would shut down the TV.

Alex, how do you feel about taxes?

Alex: I don’t know what taxes are.

When you are older and you have a lot of income, you have to give some of it to the government.

Alex: I don’t like it. If he tries it, well, if he doesn’t give me anything back, I won’t.

You won’t? You’re not going to pay your taxes? What if they come to your door, and they knock on your door and say you haven’t paid your taxes, what are you going to do?

Alex: I don’t know. That’s wasting money.

Nick: I’ll rescue you. I’ll beat them up into sandwiches.

Where are you guys going to live?

Alex: Right by this house.

Nick: A place that’s near my parents’ house.

Nick, if you’re going to be a cowboy and a pilot, will you have to travel a lot?

Nick: Yeah.

What places do you want to visit?

Nick: Maybe I’ll visit Canada, if anybody needs a ride there.

I’ll let you know if I need a ride.

Nick: Alright.

Am I going to get free rides in the plane because I’m your friend?

Nick: Yes.

Do you think it’s better to save your money or spend it?

Nick: Save and spend, both.

Alex: Save.

How come?

Nick: Because you need to save your money for taxes and I’m going to spend my other money on really fun stuff.

Alex: ‘Cause there might be an expensive thing I want.

Do you have any money right now?

Nick: No, I don’t have any money in my wallet.

Alex: Yes, I don’t know exact.

Nick, did you spend it all?

Nick: Yes.

What did you buy?

Nick: Video games.

Which video games?

Nick: Um, the only video game that I can remember that I bought is Batman: Arkham City. And it’s not LEGO. It’s real.

Alex, are you saving up for something?

Alex: A Nerf gun shotgun.

Are those expensive?

Alex: Yes. Meijer’s has it, I don’t know exactly what place they’re at.

Would you guys ever go into business together?

Alex: Maybe. Yes.

Nick: If he’s not too mean.

Julie Beck is a writer and editor in Chicago. She’s going to hold Nick to that promise of free plane rides.

A quick chat with a new lawyer.

Sam, you are a lawyer.
I am. I graduated from law school a year ago. Passed the bar. I’m all barred up.

Why’d you go to law school?
Unlimited power.

But really.
Because I want to make a difference and help people and this is one way to do that.

How much did you spend to go to law school?
$148,000.

Hahha that’s so much money.
Yes. Yes it is.

Are you paying back your loans yet?
I pay $300/month on my income based repayment plan, but with my looming unemployment it could switch to income contingent repayment plan.

Did you get fired?
No I’ve been doing a yearlong fellowship that is ending.

So what’s next?
I’ve been living in New York, and now I’m going to move back to my home state and try to work in policy.

Are you worried about finding a job?
Not really. I know a lot of people where I’m moving, a lot of lawyers.

Cronyism.
It’s how it works.

So far what’s the best part about being a lawyer?
In a way you really don’t have to do a lot of work, but you get to sit in a nice office.

What’s the worst?
Every goddamn family member and friend calling and saying, Sam, is this the law? Can I do this? And I’m like, I don’t know, there’s like a million laws. Give me two days and some money and I can figure it out.

Michael Johnson called me and asked how his parents could share custody of his little sister, and I was like, I don’t know Michael Johnson, I could look it up, but so could you.

Was going to law school worth it?
Having just graduated last May, I simply lack the experience necessary to give any sort of reasonable or respectable answer to your question. Really, I can just answer based on the views of the nine older attorneys that told me what they thought.

And what did they tell you?
That it was a great decision. For personal advancement. And because you’ll always have a job. Because you can always hang up your own shingle if you have to.

What do you mean?
Hang up your own shingle? Put a sign in your yard: Sam Jones, Attorney At Law.

Ah.
I suspect going to law school will turn out great, but even if it doesn’t, that will be fine, since life is meaningless.

astrodidact:

Seems legit…

This week, Marc Maron's show Maron premieres on IFC. The show is based loosely on the comedian's experience creating and hosting his WTF with Marc Maron podcast. Since the podcast's creation in 2009, Maron has interviewed everyone from Carrot Top to Bryan Cranston to Jonathan Winters, and Maron's candid conversational style paired with his signature blend of honesty, insecurity, and resentment has shone a light on the emotional backstories behind respected and despised comedians, actors, and musicians alike.

After nearly 400 episodes, it's hard to identify the absolute best of anything without leaving a ton of great stuff out, but here is a list of some of the most important and defining episodes of WTF, the ones that make it obvious why this show is so good and important to podcasting as a medium.

Episode 67 – Robin Williams
In one of the early WTF episodes, Maron interviewed Robin Williams, who kept the joking to a minimum and, in a rare moment for a comedian famous for his public persona and endless improvisation riffing, talked candidly about drug use and sobriety, divorce, depression, and stealing jokes. Williams' interview helped set the tone for the podcast as a place for comedians to talk about deeper, more personal matters beyond  typical interview fare.

Episode 76 – Carlos Mencia Part Two
When Carlos Mencia came on the show in May 2010, Maron tried addressing accusations that the comedian had stolen jokes for his stand-up sets. Unsatisfied with Mencia's guarded and seemingly planned answers, Maron reached out to some Latino comics who had worked with Mencia over the years, and in a follow-up episode Willie Barcena and Steve Trevino had a lot of negative things to say about Mencia. Maron confronted Mencia about Barcena and Trevino's accusations, and in the second half of Part Two, Mencia opened up about how much other comics' criticism has hurt him and led to negative behavior, and he apologized for bumping other performers from club slots.

Episode 85 – Dane Cook
Dane Cook is wildly popular in mainstream comedy and yet still a hugely polarizing person especially among fellow comedians, whether it's for a bland sense of humor or for stealing jokes. Cook opens up about being self-conscious, and Maron confronts Cook with some of the topics later covered in a fictionalized way in Cook's appearance on Louie the following year.

Episode 95 – Patrice O'Neal
In Maron's 2010 interview with Patrice O'Neal, the late stand-up talked about being convicted of statuary rape as a teenager and the harsh realities of prison, as well as how race and an absent father affected his life and comedy and what it's like to bomb on stage.

Episode 103/104 – Judd Apatow
When Judd Apatow was on the show, he told Maron about what it was like growing up as a major comedy nerd, specifically as a sixteen year old with a radio show in which he interviewed comedians. Part one of the episode includes clips from Apatow's high school radio show in which he interviewed Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, and Garry Shandling. Part two talks more about Apatow's process and insecurities as a producer and whether his job makes him him happy or not.

Episode 111/112 – Louis C.K.
Louis C.K. and Marc Maron did shows together in the late 80s, and though they were friends, Maron always harbored a resentment of Louis C.K.'s success that eroded their friendship over the years, specifically when Maron asked that Louis stop calling him because their conversations were too one-sided. When Maron hosts C.K. on the podcast, a place he has created that encourages openness and honesty, Maron tries to confront C.K. about their friendship but C.K. turns the tables on him and Maron ends up discovering a lot about himself and what makes him a bad friend.

Episode 130 – Mike DeStefano
DeStefano talks about caring for his dying wife and how it proved he is not a piece of shit. DeStefano also goes public for the first time about his experience living with HIV for over 20 years and how he came to peace with his terrible disease through stand-up and Buddhism. In a truly inspiring interview, DeStefano talks about the importance of laughter and comedy amid a world of pain and fear.

Episode 145 – Gallagher
Lowbrow prop-comic Gallagher was not familiar with the openness typical of WTF when he came on the show, and he proved to be an uncomfortable and angry interviewee in this episode. Gallagher was so upset that he stormed out of the garage in the middle of the conversation, prompting a frustrated Maron to emit "Aw, c'mon Gallagher," a sort of ridiculous catch-phrase for a ridiculous moment.

Episode 163 – Conan O'Brien
Maron interviewed with Conan in 2011 shortly after the NBC Late Night battle, when Conan was constantly subject to press from mainstream media. In the garage, O'Brien is able to talk without any public persona buffer, and him and Maron talk about Faulkner, insecurities, his feelings about the whole NBC thing, and using all that turmoil in his career as a relaxation technique.

Episode 183 – Amy Poehler
Amy Poehler talks about crossing paths with Maron in New York and Boston as well as her marriage and children and what it's like as a pregnant performer. The episode also deals with Maron's contempt for the improv scene and the early stages of the Upright Citizens Brigade in particular, something he also addressed in an earlier episode with Poehler's fellow UCB founder Matt Walsh. Poehler is really good at defending against Maron's criticism, and it's clear that he also has a lot of respect for her.

Episode 190 – Todd Hanson
When Maron talks to the long-time editor and one of the original writers for The Onion, the connection between the two, both from working the alt-comedy scene in New York around the same time and in a deeper way in the pair's shared ability and interest in translating darkness into comedy. Like some of the other two-parter WTFs, Maron sensed something going unspoken in his first interview with Hanson and months later had a second conversation in which Hanson opened up about his long history of depression, a suicide attempt in 2009, and his recovery and rebirth after that attempt.

Episode 245 – Todd Glass
When Todd Glass was on the show in 2012, he had been doing comedy for over thirty years. The comedian joked about making a "big announcement" and then came out of the closet. Though WTF as a whole can be celebrated for its commitment to honesty and openness, Glass's going public about his homosexuality is a testament to the trust and friendship he shares with Maron. Glass came out partially in response to the unfortunate abundance of gay youths committing suicide, and in his interview discusses the experience of denying his sexuality for much of his life as well as gay rights in the United States, prejudice, and homophobia.

Episode 297 – Fiona Apple
In addition to a strong roster of comedians, Maron has especially recently talked with some musicians with strong connections to the comedy world, including Aimee Mann, John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats, E of Eels, and Fiona Apple. Maron and Apple discuss the vulnerability that comes with her neuroticism and mental health issues, and the songstress opens up about how her lonely childhood led her to writing down her thoughts and ideas and sharing them through music.

Episode 359 – Carl Reiner
In early 2013, Maron had Mel Brooks on for a really excellent episode, and at Brooks's suggestion Maron had Carl Reiner on the show shortly after. Reiner's interview might not be as emotional driven as many of the podcast's most celebrated episodes, but Reiner has such interesting stories to tell. He talks about his experience in the military, how he became a writer, then an actor, and then a director, what it was like developing The 2000 Year Old Man, and his relationships with collaborators including Brooks, Sid Ceaser, Dick Van Dyke, and Steve Martin.

Episode 369 – Lynn Shawcroft
Though Lynn Shawcroft is a comic in her own right, she was also married to the late stand-up Mitch Hedberg. Shawcroft talks to Maron about grief, loss, and drug addiction, a disease that Shawcroft and Maron both have suffered from in the past and that particularly affected Hedberg's life and his relationship with Shawcroft.

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If you're out in Boston, watch out:

"So yesterday in Boston my friend got photobombed by Kevin Spacey out jogging...Apparently he jogged up, shouted 'PHOTOBOMB!' and then ran off laughing. Excellent."

bestrooftalkever:

Mother Jones has a fun piece on apple hunters, people who track down long-forgotten apple varieties, sometimes to a single, ancient tree which they then clone in order to resurrect its unique apples. It’s a fun, human-interest story but Mother Jones also repeats a number of errors about apple diversity. Most notably:

In the mid-1800s, there were thousands of unique varieties of apples in the United States, some of the most astounding diversity ever developed in a food crop. Then industrial agriculture crushed that world. The apple industry settled on a handful of varieties to promote worldwide, and the rest were forgotten. They became commercially extinct—but not quite biologically extinct.

Mother Jones is tame compared to The New Internationalist which really ramps up the imagery:

Lincoln was assassinated. So were Washington and Jefferson. In fact all three Lincolns were wiped out. In the end it wasn’t so much an assassination as a massacre, with 6,121 of the 7,098 American apple varieties that blossomed last century now extinct….In less than a century, market pressures for uniformity have slaughtered crop diversity.

All of this is highly misleading at best. The innovative Paul Heald and co-author Sussanah Chapman show that the diversity of the commercial apple has increased over time not decreased (pdf). It is true, that in 1905 W.H. Ragan published a catalog of apples with some 7000 varieties. Varieties of apples come and go, however, like rose varieties or fashions and Ragan’s catalog listed any apple that had ever been grown during the entire 19th century. (Moreover, most varieties are neither especially good nor especially unique). At the time Ragan wrote, Heald and Chapman estimate that the commercially available stock was not 7000 but around 420 varieties. What about today?

The Fruit, Berry and Nut Inventory for 2000 lists 1469 different varieties of apples, a massive gain in terms of what growers can easily find for sale. The Plant Genetic Resources Unit of the USDA, in Geneva, New York, maintains orchards containing an additional 980 apple varieties that are not currently being offered in commercial catalogs. Scions from these trees are typically available to anyone who wishes to propagate their variety. The USDA numbers bring the total varieties of apples available to 2450.

In fact, there are more than 500 varieties of apples from the 19th century commercially available today–thus there are more 19th century apples available today than probably at any time in the 19th century!

It is true, of course, that when you go to a typical supermarket there aren’t hundreds of varieties of apples for sale but neither were there hundreds of varieties for sale in the past. In fact, I strongly suspect that the average consumer today has more choices of apple than ever before. I stopped in at Whole Foods last night and counted seven varieties of apple for sale, that’s amazing. Over the year, Whole Foods probably sells 15 varieties. Moreover, I likely also consume other varieties in pies, juice and cider. A few more varieties are available a short drive from my home.  Indeed, with all these choices it’s a wonder that Barry Schartz isn’t complaining about information overload and choice exhaustion.(Isn’t it interesting how critics of markets always find something to complain about? Either the market is overloading us with choices or tyrannizing us with too few choices.)

It is true that in a large and diverse country such as the United States there were probably more apple varieties grown in significant numbers in the 19th century but that confuses geographic diversity with what we actually care about which is consumption diversity or option availability. I explained this idea in my post, What is New Trade Theory? on Paul Krugman’s Nobel prize.

Consider the simplest model (based on Krugman 1979).  In this model there are two countries.  In each country (or region), consumers have a preference for variety but there is a tradeoff between variety and cost, consumers want variety but since there are economies of scale – a firm’s unit costs fall as it produces more – more variety means higher prices.  Preferences for variety push in the direction of more variety, economies of scale push in the direction of less.  So suppose that without trade country 1 produces varieties A,B,C and country two produces varieties X,Y,Z.  In every other respect the countries are identical so there are no traditional comparative advantage reasons for trade.

Nevertheless, if trade is possible it is welfare enhancing.  With trade the scale of production can increase which reduces costs and prices.  Notice, however, that something interesting happens.  The number of world varieties will decrease even as the number of varieties available to each consumer increases.  That is, with trade production will concentrate in say A,B,X,Y so each consumer has increased choice even as world variety declines.

Increasing variety for individuals even as world variety declines is a fundamental fact of globalization.  In the context of culture, Tyler explains this very well in his book, Creative Destruction; when people in Beijing can eat at McDonald’s and people in America can eat at great Chinese restaurants the world looks increasingly similar even as each world resident experiences an increase in variety.

Thus it may well be the case that more apples varieties were grown in large quantities in the 19th century but there are both more varieties commercially available today (our stock of genetic diversity is higher) and individual consumers have low-cost access to more apple varieties than ever before.

Comedic actors T.J. Miller (Yogi Bear), Adam Pally (Happy Endings), and Thomas Middleditch (The Campaign) are playing the lead roles in Search Party, a big studio comedy that's set to start filming this week. The movie will mark the directorial debut of Scot Armstrong, who served as a screenwriter on Old School, Road Trip, and The Hangover Part II. Search Party follows two roommates (Miller, Pally) who go on a dangerous journey to rescue their friend Nardo (Middleditch) after he finds himself stranded and naked in Mexico. Miller will play lewd, fast-talking slob, while Pally will play his uptight sidekick. The movie was set up at Columbia two years ago under the name Road to Nardo but jumped studios and changed titles.

After The Hangover became a huge hit in 2009, you'd think big studios would have become more willing to gamble on comedic actors who hadn't yet played the leads in a movie after The Hangover's success turned Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis, all of whom had never played leading men before, into movie stars overnight. That wasn't the case, as studios continued to (mostly) hand off lead roles to established movie stars or high-profile TV actors, but Search Party represents a step in the right direction (even if the plot does sound pretty Hangover-y). It's the first lead role for Miller, Pally, and Middleditch, who are all funny and deserving of a high-profile job like this. Hopefully, this opens the door for more talented comedic actors to close that supporting-to-lead gap in the years to come.

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Inside Amy Schumer premieres tonight at 10:30 p.m. eastern on Comedy Central. Gander at your local cable box's listings to confirm this. The first episode is available on Comedy Central's official website now.

Comedy Central has been riding a hot streak lately, and it more than continues with Inside Amy Schumer.

This should not be surprising when you consider the writing staff of disparate, talented stand-up comedians that most of you who read this website have at the very least heard of: head writer Jessi Klein, Kurt Metzger, Gabe Liedman, and longtime writing partners Kyle Dunnigan and Tig Notaro. One of the show's directors is Neal Brennan, the man who co-created, co-executive produced, and co-wrote Chappelle's Show, still regarded as the best and culturally relevant Comedy Central sketch show that ever graced Earth's televisions. And it helps that the show's co-creator, co-executive producer and star is a comedienne that in the course of nine years of stand-up has learned to pull off the impossible trick of being portrayed as a strong, bawdy comic while simultaneously coming off as completely vulnerable and kind-hearted.

Amy Schumer's voice and sensibility comes through in every sketch, man-on-the-street (woman-on-the-street?) interview and brief bits of stand-up (obviously), giving Inside Amy Schumer a consistent, and most importantly of all, funny tone. There is great care and comedic precision in bits that absolutely do not deserve to have them based on their premise, like the series' opening salvo where Amy is interviewing for a role in the classic "Two Girls, One Cup" video. It is unlikely that that particular sketch appearing first wasn't on purpose, when you consider that the show's lead-in is a new episode of Tosh.O, but also how it lets the viewer know exactly what they're going to get into, and who they're going to glide over the crap with. The sketch could very easily had relied exclusively on its shock value, but instead you have the man from those ubiquitous Chase commercials flatly explaining – with unconscionably unwavering respectable airs – that neither Schumer nor her future partner will be tested for diseases due to the honor system. That occurred moments after Amy's new friend wordlessly took a bite of her lunch coincidentally right after the man in the suit discussed the more disgusting aspects of the video.

Some sketches directly comment on the contemporary dating scene for a single woman (or man) in their early thirties, like a bit that starts off in danger of simply playing out old fashioned gender roles, where Schumer assumes the man she slept with the night before is now her boyfriend, despite his not returning any of her texts, but after a Facebook check confirms that he isn't a sociopath or anything. The funny extrapolations Schumer's character makes, and the out-of-nowhere ridiculousness of the man's choice of masturbation material makes it funny, and the kind of depressing truth in how whimsical and carried away one can get after encountering anyone who seems remotely not awful grounds the whole thing, the equivalent of daydreaming about marrying the cute guy or gal that works at the Dunkin Donuts played to the most laughs possible. The first segment in the second episode has Amy growing increasingly frustrated and a little disgusted trying to keep up with some rigorous and uninspired sexting with some dude, deleting a lot of funny texts that anyone who wasn't trying to orgasm would appreciate, as an old romantic movie plays on in front of her. So depressing if you think about the concept, so you just have to laugh.

And then there are the sketches that are just plain brutally funny; sketches that would very easily had fit in an episode of Chappelle's Show actually: a bit about reprogramming octogenarians who can't help but be the most racist people in the world comes to mind. There are plentiful "indie" comic legend cameos, which you possibly have already noticed in commercials, but I wont name names for fear of unspeakable punishments by the hands of the fine folks at Viacom.

Years of speaking honestly and humorously about sex, race, and her own self has led Amy Schumer to this moment in time that most comedians have only gotten as far as dreaming of: the dawn of the premiere of their own really funny and very promising show.

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No, not Burning Man. Kevin Hartnett investigates the holy celebration of Kumbh Mela, “considered the largest migration of humanity on earth”:

It takes place every twelve years at the confluence of the Ganges and Yamuna Rivers, where pilgrims come from all over India to participate in ritual bathing (there are also smaller melas, which take place annually in other parts of India). The scale of the event is staggering. The mela has a steady population of a few million people spread over seven-and-a-half square miles of precisely organized encampment, but on a handful of main bathing days officials estimate the population surges towards 30 million—with as many as 80 million people attending over the 53 days of the festival.

One of the most important qualities of the mela, for researchers, is the speed at which it comes together. The festival site is covered for most of the summer with water from the Ganges, which is swollen by the monsoon rains. The water begins to recede in October, leaving government officials and NGO workers with only a couple of months to build the mela’s infrastructure—the roads, electrical grid, water, sanitation, and hygiene systems that will support those millions of people. During its peak days the mela is the largest city in the world, and it’s built nearly overnight.

Researchers collected data on this year’s mela:

Over the next few months the researchers will be tagging and sorting images, analyzing patient flows at hospitals, breaking down cellphone data, and generally trying to wrestle their mela research into something useful—both for improving the next mela, in 2025, and for understanding how temporary settlements operate anywhere in the world. They plan to release preliminary findings at a seminar hosted by the South Asia Institute in August.

(Photo: Temporary tents for devotees are pictured at dusk at Sangam, the confluence of the Rivers Ganges, Yamuna and mythical Saraswati, during the Maha Kumbh Mela in Allahabad on February 13, 2013. By Sanjay Kanojia/AFP/Getty Images)

govinduhh:

this is an actual scene from the movie 

"In the corner office and the boardroom, women are 'leaning in.' But there's one place where they're still wracked with anxiety and shame. "
—Can you guess where it is? IT'S THE BATHROOM! Where shitting happens! Shitting BY WOMEN! I may need to lie down for a minute.

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“If they are going to kill him. I don’t care. My oldest son is killed, so I don’t care. I don’t care if my youngest son is going to be killed today. I want the world to hear this. And, I don’t care if I am going to get killed too. And I will say Allahu Akbar!” – Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, mother of the Boston Marathon bombers.

kevinless:

children of the universe

Deuteronomy 14:18
You must not eat bats.

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NASA servers went down last night after Reddit users discovered that the Mars Rovers have been drawing naughty images on the surface of the red planet.

It is a genuine image.

Quitting masturbation is a trend on Reddit now, in the “NoFap” forum:

The goals for all these men, regardless of their personal lives or relationship statuses, seemed to be similar: to return to a more charged, natural self. It’s a throwback notion—virility as integral to manhood—but many of these anti-masturbators regard it as truth. “I feel like a man again” is a common refrain. One NoFapper referred to his 90 days without masturbation as “a passage into manhood.” They see masturbation as a failure of masculinity—not because it’s shameful or forever associated with adolescence, but because, on a fundamental, even chemical level, it’s draining their true potential.

The medical profession isn’t convinced. Every doctor and psychologist I spoke with informed me that “there’s no evidence” to link masturbation to sexual performance, and that it’s an over­simplification to think that frequent masturbation is the cause of delayed ejaculation.

Adam Weinstein isn’t on board:

The thing about jacking off is, it’s so personal it’s mystical: There is only you, and the feeling that arises in you. No one can judge that relationship better than you—as opposed to abstainers, who like ardent ex-smokers can judge and browbeat you, Mr. (or Ms.) Self-Abuser, as only the zealous convert can. For my part, jerking it makes me a calmer, happier, more compassionate person. I am confident in my body. I am exultant in sex and sensitive to anyone I’m lucky enough to share my sex with. And in compartmentalizing masturbation as separate from the finer pursuits of life, I feel more mindful of my surroundings, not less.

It’s worth recalling that the formal, theological case against masturbation is identical to that against contraception and gay marriage. It is sodomy, as defined in the early modern period, i.e. ejaculation outside the vagina of a married female. So, as I argued at length a decade ago, we are all sodomites now. Men, anyway. Has any priest now living not masturbated?

For the record, I could never grasp why this was so wrong. My instinctual reaction to my first teenage orgasm was total wonderment. Of course, I had been taught nothing about this strange liquid coming out of my dick. It happened while I was reading – of all things – one of the Don Camillo short stories by Giovannino Guareschi. Not the most predictable erotic trigger – but when you’re fourteen, it could be the ceiling and you’d hit yourself in the eye if you weren’t careful.

To me, having this amazing thing suddenly come alive in my body was so obviously marvelous, so instantly ecstatic, it never occurred to me that God forbade me to forsake it. Why give me this 24-hour, unlosable instrument of blind, transcendent pleasure – and then bid me not to touch it? I had never experienced anything so simply pleasurable in my whole life until then. If we’re talking natural law, all I can say is that masturbation was the single most natural thing I had ever done at the moment in my life. More natural than watching television or riding a bus. If I felt guilt, it required some excruciating effort – until I realized that the most effective thing to trigger the constantly loaded rifle was thinking of another man. Usually naked. I had no porn or access to it. So I drew the men I wanted (and they all looked scarily like my husband). It was only then that the culture began to bear down on my nature.

But as I’ve grown older, and mercifully less driven by my dick, I can see the point of self-denial. In your teens, you have a constant unstoppable production of more sperm than could ever merely reproduce (another natural refutation of natural law). By your forties (unless I’ve just had my testosterone shot), not so much. So a little self-restraint definitely increases the pleasure and intensity of the orgasm you eventually get. And no, I feel no guilt about it whatever. It’s so psychically natural, so obviously intuitive, it was the first step for me toward dismantling the strange doctrines of natural law on human sexuality, devised in the early middle ages by men who knew a lot at the time – but tiny shards of truth compared to what we know now.

Wank on, my brothers and sisters. Wank on.

hope-is-a-songbird:

she now has an academy award.

smitty-kitty:

Kait Rokowski

the-sofa:

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

rocketdust:

bradofarrell:

kinkyspaceprincess:

thelostdisneyprincess:

merverb:

as a kid i never understood why they didn’t like him

As an adult I still don’t understand..

psst it’s a brothel and he’s poor 

OH MY GOD WH-  WHAT

OHMYGOD