Aeholmquist

Nic Cage stars as your favorite Disney Princess. 

Here's one for the "what the everloving fuck" file: While Ireland's parliament was debating landmark abortion legislation, lawmaker Tom Barry was seen pulling Aine Collins onto his lap. Uh, what?

Barry acknowledges that he had been drinking before the session last week, but he wasn't drunk or anything. He was just being a jackass, you see.

“I went to the Dail bar but I wasn’t drinking excessively. There was nothing pre-meditated, it was stupid, it was disrespectful."

Indeed it was. While Barry says he's apologized to Collins — whom he describes as a "good friend" — he also feels "very upset that it is being described as [sexist]," and that he "didn’t intend to offend anyone and I can’t offer any excuse other than to put it down to stupidity, naivety and inexperience." Yes, those adjectives also work, though there are dozens more that could describe this guy.

[h/t Klewless]

Update/Addendum: Barry has been roundly criticized by his party; says Fine Gael General Secretary Tom Curran, "I wish to make it clear that the instinctive characterisation last night of the incident as 'horseplay involving two people' doesn't reflect how Fine Gael views this kind of behaviour, having seen the footage."

You will be moved.

CBC Music arranged for 5-year-old piano prodigy Ryan Wang to play a private concert for a 101-year-old grandma named Dorothy Landry who isn't into "rock n' roll" or "all that modern stuff." And they hug and cry and it's touching as fuq. Because we were not already dehydrated enough by this damn weather without leaking from the eyes. I was NOT ready for minute 2:01.

[via Carbonated.tv]

Please just tape a handkerchief to your face, and then listen to this phone call between Bette Midler and superfan Anna Greenberg, who is dying in the hospital with cancer.

The conversation is hard enough to listen to, but when Midler fulfills Anna's dream by singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" to her, it's pretty much impossible not to cry all the tears while simultaneously hugging everyone you love, shaking your fist at cancer, and then crying some more.

Greenberg died shortly after this video was filmed. She was 29 years old.

[Via Huffington Post]

Boobytrap spelled backwards is “Party Boob.”

That's a one hundred percent improvement for every member of the Prancing Elite cheerleading team.

And just when you thought this video couldn't get any better, the little girl runs across the front. I mean, come on! Too much awesome in one little video.

[via Colorlines]

We hope you'll sleep better knowing a little more about the science of dreams.

Comedian Russell Brand was invited to appear on MSNBC's Morning Joe yesterday, ostensibly to talk about his controversial world comedy tour Messiah Complex.

But instead, co-host Mika Brzezinski and panelists Katty Kay and Brian Shactman preferred to make jokes at Brand's expense, pretend they couldn't understand what he was saying, and refer to him in the third person even though he was sitting right there.

Oh, and at one point, start calling him by a different name.

At about the 5:30 mark, Brand decides he's had enough goofing around and seizes control of the show, demonstrating to the "journalists" how professionals conduct interviews and deliver news.

Of course, Russell Brand being Russell Brand, he would likely be remiss if he didn't at least once during the program call Brzezinski a "shaft grasper" and advise her to "lose the [wedding] ring."

All in all, pretty decent television.

[H/T: Uproxx]

Arizona Republican Senator Jeff Flake recently took his two youngest sons on a highly-publicized survivalist adventure on a desert island. It must've been a calming respite for 15-year-old Tanner, whose aggressive social media presence suggests he'll make the perfect Republican politician someday: he plays the iPhone game "Fun Run" under the charming moniker 'N1ggerKiller' and regularly threatens to "beat the crap" out of and generally "own" unnamed "faggots" on Twitter and YouTube.

The New Times and Buzzfeed recently uncovered Tanner's twisted social media footprint: slurs against Jews, Mexicans and many others abound, as well as references to his father's job (and his disinclination to vote for SOPA). I, too, was involved in some embarrassing online activities when I was 15, but I managed not to call Mexicans the "scum of the earth" while writing poetry about infinity and distance on LiveJournal.

“I’m very disappointed in my teenage son’s words, and I sincerely apologize for the insensitivity. This language is unacceptable, anywhere. Needless to say, I’ve already spoken with him about this, he has apologized, and I apologize as well,” Sen. Flake said in a statement to BuzzFeed.

We hope he's on a strict Rookie diet as punishment.

[New Times]

[Buzzfeed]

Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., argued to CNN's Anderson Cooper that journalists who report on leaked information that could "so severely compromise national security" should be prosecuted. “Actually, if they willingly knew that this was classified information, I think action should be taken, especially on something of this magnitude," King said, in response to Cooper's question about whether both the leakers and the journalists deserve punishment.

King continued:

I think something on this magnitude, there is an obligation, both moral but also legal, I believe, against a reporter disclosing something which would so severely compromise national security. As a practical matter, I guess there have been in the past several years, a number of reporters who have been prosecuted under it, so the answer is yes to your question.

Watch:

Continue Reading...

Apparently, college-aged women prefer prudes as friends. Or rather, given the chance to evaluate two gals as suitable friends — a sexually permissive woman versus a non-sexually permissive one — they rate the girl least likely to suck a dick more positively. Even as they proclaim themselves liberal on the subject of having loads of lovers, casual or otherwise, themselves. Sorry ladies, but you got this one all backwards.

In the study, 751 college students answered questions about their own whoring propensities, then read vignettes about a male or female peer who'd either slept with 20 people (whaaa) or two (whew). Then they rated them for friendship suitability based on friendly-type characteristics like warmth or emotional stability.

Women preferred the legs-crossed abstainers, while men were pretty meh about whether other dudes got a lot of tail. Upside: Nobody likes a poacher, though, so both sexes weren't into the idea of friends who posed a threat to their mates. But women judged promiscuity more negatively all around.

Yawn. This much we know: Dudes are testeronally obligated to get it on; women must guard thine delicate ladyflower with a blah blah black sheep and police among themselves.

The findings suggest that though cultural and societal attitudes about casual sex have loosened in recent decades, women still face a double standard that shames "slutty" women and celebrates "studly" men, said lead author Zhana Vrangalova, a Cornell graduate student in the field of human development. The study, titled "Birds of a Feather? Not When it Comes to Sexual Permissiveness" and published in the early online edition of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, reports that such social isolation may place promiscuous women at greater risk for poor psychological and physical health outcomes.

Never forget: Fucking a lot will leave you friendless. Since prior research tells us that men don't marry sluts, this single-handledly turns these Jezebels into the Hester Prynnes of their own social circles. Next stop: isolation, very sad hoodies and having to slut it up the next school over.

Who will befriend these terrible sex-crazed gargoyles? LOVE this sentence:

She suggested future research to determine whom they could befriend — perhaps straight or gay men who would be accepting of their behaviors.

Whew, maybe the gays will take them, or at least straight men who don't want to fuck them.

OK, so problem is that there aren't just two types of sexual people. And there aren't just two types of sexual women especially, since we're the ones being judged so harshly. You aren't either screaming all aboard or the buck stops here!

As if sexual behavior is some constant, unchanging outlook, attitude, and set of choices. As if it doesn’t change with time, age, or circumstance. As if a woman can't experiment sometimes but not others, based on a highly subjective, shifting set of criteria throughout her life.

But more importantly, the opposite halo effect here — where the slut is also someone who isn't a good friend — is a sick burn, y'all. This suggests not just that promiscuous women don't ever respect boundaries — a woman who likes sex will most def steal your boyfriend — but it also suggests they don't make for good listeners, or give rides to the airport, or buy awesome birthday presents or tell funny jokes. Booooooo.

The truth is, it's sluts (or whatever you want to call a lady stud — funny how there's no word for that! — but for our purposes we'll stick with "slut" as an affirmation) who make the better friends. ESPECIALLY in college, when you get yourself in all kinds of sticky situations — no pun intended — and could use the fast thinking of a seasoned sexual vet. To wit:

She's More Sympathetic

If nothing else, a slut knows what it's like to be ostracized, which means she's going to get it when you're feeling rejected or down or on the outskirts of your own life. She's been there, and she can relate.

She's More Fun

No surprise that the one friendly factor sluts scored well on in the survey was outgoingness. And I don't mean in the sexual sense, even, though that's obviously true. I mean in the more-likely-to-want-to-have-a-good-time sense, perhaps in an off-the-cuff way. Her sense of adventure leaks out of her vagina and into yours, er, the night.

She's Got Your Ass

She's got her own ass to worry about, but she also cares about yours. Sluts are tougher than the average woman, because they have to be. So when the shit goes down and you need someone to back you up, a slut knows the world is a hostile, indifferent place and that people gotta stick together.

She's More Fashionable

Sluts can't slut it up in yesterday's fashions. To lock a guy down for the night or the moment, she's got to look her best and project a sense of mystery and intrigue in aspirational wear that works for multiple functions. Watch/learn.

She Makes Better Conversation

A slut understands the art of the seduction, which means she gets banter. She can say interesting stuff, and make jokes, and get jokes, and be a part of the conversation, and that extends to you, too, my shy little butterfly.

She Talks About Real Shit

You can have frank conversations about sex, love, foibles, frustrations, with none of the giggly embarrassment. Realized you got your period during a hookup? No bigs. Found yourself drunk and giving a beej to your ex you still hate? She's been there.

She's More In Touch With Herself

As studies are finally figuring out, women are horndogs, too, and a woman who owns that early is a marvel. It takes a lot to accept yourself a sexual, autonomous being who can pursue sex boldly and not be treated like some aggressive mutant. Some women spend their whole lives figuring this out.

She's More Open Minded

As a known sexual deviant, she's more likely to understand the nature of human sexuality and accept all variations within as a normal, worthwhile part of the spectrum.

She's Quick on Her Feet

The more sexually adventurous woman has to figure out how to drop a pin, call a cab, secret bail in the morning, find some Plan B, and locate all good side streets for the next-day walk of shame. Handy. Also, lust is a battlefield. Need to thwart some advances or block a cock? Call her in.

She Has Standards

I know it seems like a promiscuous person doesn't have standards, but they do. Being open or adventurous sexually doesn't mean you will sleep with anyone, it means you're looking for a certain chemistry and become very good at detecting it, very quickly.

But that doesn't mean you should go make friends with the nearest slut. That would be silly. Because a good friend is someone you like, who does the things you want a friend to do. If you actually think it has anything to do with how many people she has slept with, rethink your major.

In his opening number at the Tony Awards last night, Neil Patrick Harris sang at a lightning-quick clip, danced in a slim-fitting tuxedo, did some physical comedy with Mike Tyson and LITERALLY jumped through a hoop. It was a dazzling, hyperkinetic, hilarious spectacle, and as one YouTube commenter states, "NPH should host life."

Meanwhile, another number in the show involved Book of Mormon's Andrew Rannells (also of Girls and The New Normal) and other Broadway stars lamenting their canceled TV shows.

[UpRoxx, Mediaite]

Note: Larger version HERE because bigger wheels are better wheels and that's why monster trucks are so cool. This is the color wheel somebody made using all the Pokemon characters. As you can see, it looks like a RAINBOW DOUGHNUT. Can you even imagine what a rainbow doughnut would taste like? Like a little slice of heaven, that's what. Jk jk, that's rainbow pie. Thanks to ChaosLex, whose favorite color isn't a single color at all but the way two particular colors look side by side. He's way fancier than you or I could ever be.

If you give birth in Finland, you're in luck! Along with your new bundle of joy, the government gives you a maternity box that's filled with clothes, sheets, toys, and a mattress. The mattress can be kept in the box and used as a baby-sized baby bed — so smart and so cost effective! Basically, a trip to a birthing center is like going to Ikea (in Finland), only you leave with all your furniture and a baby. What could be better?!*

Finland does this because they want to make sure all of their children, no matter what the background, are given an equal start in life. Obviously it's impossible to start all kids out on an even footing, but this small, helpful gift is thought to be one of the reasons Finland has one of the world's lowest infant mortality rates. That's because this box is worth quite a bit of money, and to receive it, women are required to get pre-natal checkups before their fourth month of pregnancy. It's a major incentive for moms-to-be to get the care they need. Very cool.

When Finland started the program in 1938, infant mortality was high — 65 out of 1,000 babies died. First the box came, and then the 60s brought a national health insurance system and central hospital network. Check out their progress:

So, as I was saying, who wants to give birth in Finland?

Here's my final selling point for any hold outs who aren't fond of eggbutter and cloudberries: The clothes in the boxes change every year, and are always super fashionable because hello! You're in Finland! So your baby is always So Fresh and So Clean.

Let's do this.

*Probably a lot of things if you don't want a baby.

[BBC]

Image via Shutterstock/Photobac.

Eff jogging, spinning and running. We should all be Prancercising!

What, pray tell, is Prancercise?

Joanna Rohrback explains:

"A springy, rhythmic way of moving forward, similar to a horse's gait and is ideally induced by elation." copyright 1989, taken from my book Prancercise®:The Art of Physical and Spiritual Excellence, now available to the public for the first time!

Doesn't look too difficult, and it seems to be working. Be sure and check out the book.

[via The WoW Report]

Just in case you didn't already feel like the laziest today, meet a 5-year-old who probably read five books in the time it took you to finish this sentence.

Sophia Moss, from Lake Charles, Louisiana, reads a book nearly every day — and reads about 875 books a school year. That's a lot of Amelia Bedelia!

Mary Lanier, the librarian for Sophia's school said, "I told Sophia, I said we're going to have to order more books for T.S. Cooley Library because she's read so many of them and enjoys so many of them," and Sophia's dad, Carl, says he has a hard time getting her to sleep because she'd rather be reading.

I feel you, girl — so many books, so little time.

[WAFB via The Daily Mail]

An incredible discovery by scientists from Russia's Northeastern Federal University in Yakutsk could pave the way for mammoth clones. On an expedition to island north of Siberia, in frigid 14 degree Farenheit temperatures, the researchers found a carcass of a 10,000-year-old female mammoth—and it still had liquid blood.

What is it that makes a “midnight snack” so irresistible? Short answer: blame your ancestors.

In 2011, the National Sleep Foundation polled over 1,500 Americans and found that ninety-five percent of respondents used some form of technology in the hour before bed. That's not great, especially considering new research suggesting that all that time you spend reading Wikipedia's Unusual Deaths page in the comfort of your own boudoir is stressing you out and keeping you up. (Duh?)

The study from researchers at University of Texas-Pan American found that people who surfed the web or sent a text message within two hours of going to bed reported higher levels of stress than those who didn't.

Why?

Some researchers have suggested that light emitted from gadgets such as computers and cellphones may disrupt sleep. Electronic screens emit a lot of blue light, which is known to suppress melatonin, a hormone involved in the sleep-wake cycle.

Other evidence has suggested that interactive technologies, like texting and emailing, make a person more alert, and disrupt the onset of sleep.

The good news, if you just send emails or watch TV, you're about at the same stress as the average stressed out person. Which is still probably really fucking stressed out. Yay?

Obviously more research is needed, but it's probably obvious to anyone who's on a computer late at night that it's not great for you. I work most evenings, and it takes me a good one to two hours to fall asleep, and that usually requires some sort of aids (book, pills, whiskey, banging head on wall, etc.). The one thing that's helped a bit is this free (!) app called Flux, which makes the color of your computer's display adapt to the time of day — it's warm at night and like sunlight during the day. Right now, it's lulling me to sleep with the sweet tint of nighty night. Honestly, sometimes I have to turn it off just so I don't face plant into QWERTY.

However, if you don't have a job that requires you to look at cute animal videos into the wee hours (my life! so hard!), it makes sense to make your sleeping area a no tech zone. Remember, the bedroom is just for sleeping and sex and snacking.

[Live Science]

Shutterstock/Maridav

Guy Hamdon is a just a typical 12-year-old cartoon character with a superhero alter ego. Like Green Lantern, his power rests in a magical ring. Unlike Green Lantern, however, his ring turns him into a girl. A pink-glad, white go-go-boots-wearing, long-haired girl. Who smells outrage, with a faint whiff of opportunism?

In his role as the hero of "SheZow," Guy will make his debut Saturday on the Hub network, the cable channel of Discovery Communications and Hasbro. The show, featuring Guy's transforming catchphrase "You go, girl!" has been airing in Canada and Australia since December. But it's an unlikely jewel for the crown of a faltering, ratings-challenged American network – something the network's chief executive, Margaret Loesch, admits. "When I first heard about the show, my reaction was 'Are you out of your minds?' Then I looked at it and I thought, 'This is just funny,'" she said.

Continue Reading...

This is 'The Box', a $2,500 personal gaming/playing with yourself chamber for sale on Craigslist in Ohio. Allegedly it has surround sound, air conditioning/heat plus a 'one-of-a-kind military theme'. You might see other terrifying video game boxes with military themes, but not like this one. This is one of a kind. Could you imagine somebody locking you in there? I'd like to think I could kick that door off the hinges, but I don't know. I'm not exactly a physical powerhouse. One time I tried to jump-kick through a patio screen door and bounced off. Thanks to Maestro, who knows a quality solitary confinement chamber when he sees one and this is not it (needs floor drainage for waste).

They just don’t make book covers the way they used to. That is: epically weird, like this series of science fiction books published by Norwegian imprint Lanterne in the ’60s and ’70s and spotted by … Read More

While many of America's classrooms remain criminally regressive when it comes to their sexual education policies, today Illinois has helped put a kibosh on some of that bullshit by stepping slightly into the 21st Century.

This afternoon the Illinois Senate approved a measure that forces sex ed classes taking place within state public schools to provide information about birth control to students. Previously schools had three options when it came to sex ed: abstinence-only classes, comprehensive classes covering both abstinence and safe sex, or no sex ed classes at all. Thanks to the new measure, which Governor Pat Quinn is expected to sign into law, schools will now have to either teach the comprehensive sex ed courses or avoid sex ed altogether.

It's not a perfect law, but compared to places like North Dakota, where legislators want to block grant money to provide sex ed classes for homeless teenagers, it's certainly a start.

[Image via Flickr user Miki Yoshihito]

Tonight's nerdy time suck: GeoGuessr

Fuck a cherry, topping parfaits with slices of cake is where it's AT.

Since we're on a food kick here tonight at Jezebel (LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING), MIOR Cafe in Osaka is the place to get dessert on top of dessert. Doesn't it seem like the British should've thought of this first — what with their national obsession with puddings? Almost every menu in that country is at least 3/4 desserts, and most of them are things like "Grand Cookie Pudding" (Super large cookie-brownie enclosed in an even more enormous cookie-brownie, served on a king-sized bed of Christmas pudding, topped with seven scoops vanilla ice cream and 1/2 gallon caramel sauce, garnished with five cups figgy pudding, and served with accompanying salad spinner filled with jam roly-poly and Knickerbocker Glory.)

Point is, it appears the English really dropped the ball on this one.

[via Rocket News]

Did you guys get to see this one in the cinema last week? Wasn’t it THE BEST?! Weren’t you so excited to see the behind the scenes featurette where Elizabeth Dennehy talked for literally like seven whole minutes about how she didn’t learn her lines? (Girl, we get it. You were dumb. Move on.)

This two-parter is almost exclusively uniforms, so there’s not a whole lot to cover on the fashion front, but we’ll discuss the few things that do pop up.

The episode starts with an away team going to a “town" that actually looks like this:

Welcome to Cratersville, Population BORG

Clearly that is not a town. The Borg’s been up in here, y’all, and I don’t mean Björn.

An admiral and a commander come to the Enterprise to see what’s going on.

Can we get Ernest Borgnine? Get it? GET IT?!?!

The admiral is working it out with some disco piping all around his uniform. You fancy, admiral.

Other credits include Glenn Close’s stand-in and also Meryl Streep’s stand-in

Here we have Commander Shelby, who is on a fucking MISSION to not only solve this Borg situation, but also to steal Riker’s job. She talked a lot about this hairdo in the featurette about the making of this episode. We get it, girl, you’ve got fine hair! Somehow it’s been wrestled into a blonde cloud that would look equally appropriate at a church picnic in 1988 and also a beauty pageant in 1958. That lip stain is ahead of its time, though. I’d wear that right now with a subtle cat eye.

Picard, ever the gracious host, offers Earl Grey:

 

I’m a little teapot, short and sort of triangular

I’m mostly including this because a) Picard’s face and b) at the showing last week, a woman behind me stage-whispered “I WANT THAT TEAPOT" when this happened. I’ve done some research, and did not find THAT teapot (which is, admittedly, GREAT), but I did find this OTHER teapot that Picard uses, made by Saenger Porcelain. This concludes your Picard Teapot News. (Update: the good news is that reader John S. found this tea kettle on Amazon. The bad news is that shit is $285! Also, Picard is way too classy to be serving tea straight from the kettle.)

It’s Poker Night on the Enterprise, and Commander Shelby decides to join in, for reasons of character development. Data rocks what appears to be a visor made of glass:

That doesn’t block light, you dummy

And we get treated to a series of faces, including:

Wesley “Tryna Be Smooth" Crusher

William “Girl You Wanna Call My Bluff" Riker

Elizabeth “I Called Your Bluff AND Got All Your Money" Shelby

Basically, it’s Riker vs. Shelby and because she’s a woman, there’s ALWAYS the possibility of it getting SEXY up in here. With this hairdo, though, I think there’s a limit to HOW sexy:

French twists aren’t nearly as sexy as French kisses…or even French fries

I don’t know how many hairpins it took to put that thing together, but I can tell you that the last thing you want to deal with when making out with Will Riker is a million hairpins and a shit-ton of hairspray. It’s a wonder anyone in the 80s made out at all.

OMG The Borg

There they are.

Okay, so the Enterprise finds the Borg and then they need to hide from the Borg because the Borg’s offensive and defensive capabilities are better. The Enterprise goes to hide in the PRETTIEST CLOUD IN THE UNIVERSE:

"My colors are blush and bashful" - this cloud

Okay, so technically it’s a nebula, but isn’t a nebula just, like, a space cloud? This shot looks okay here, but you guys, in the Blu-Ray version, on the big screen, it looked fucking GORGEOUS. I straight-up want a poster of this in my home.

The cloud hides the Enterprise from the Borg’s sensors for a while, but eventually - as they always do - the Borg figures out a new system and prods them out.

Down in Engineering, the crew attempts to figure out what to do:

They are not even looking at him

This shot is noteworthy because it includes Riker, in the Robert Blackman-redesigned Season 3 uniform right alongside some background artists in the original William Ware Theiss Seasons 1-2 uniforms. See the differences? The higher collar, the lack of visible front closure, the removal of that colored piping in the shoulder area. Much better.

Also appearing in this scene: a Jeffries tube jumpsuit, which has never looked more 70s to me:

Jeffries Tube? Or roller disco?

I think it’s a combination of the color, the wide leg, and that guy’s butt being SO butt-like in this moment. Butts were so 70s.

Picard has a quick chat with Guinan, as he sometimes does in times of trouble:

And in my hour of darkness / she is standing right in front of me

It’s hard to see, because Ten-Forward was, like, CLOSED, but Guinan is wearing a really wonderful medium grass green. It’s a little on the yellow side - I tend to like a tealy kelly - but I think it looks so great on her. I don’t know why the empire waist is sitting where it’s sitting. It’s a little bit of a babydoll, but not in a bad way. Remember those? Are those back yet? I hope not. If you do have boobs, you look like a brick in those, and if you don’t, you look like a literal, actual child. Neither is ideal.

Stop! In the name of my hat

I was taking this online survey the other day in preparation for this consumer study I’m doing about perfume - I lead a REALLY exciting life, you guys - and one of the questions was about whether you liked or disliked certain shapes, and one of the shapes was a hexagon, but it was labeled “octagon." Do people just not know the names of shapes anymore?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO? Anyway, Guinan has an octagon hat on.

The Borgs (Borg? Is there a plural for Borg?) board the Enterprise and we get to see the nice details in their costumes:

One Borg, two Börgen

If you get a chance to watch the featurette about the making of these episodes, do - Michael Westmore (lead makeup artist on the series and occasional visitor to the SyFy series Face Off) talks about making all the extras into Börgen with a “Mr. Potato Head" type system, where you could switch out where the tubes and things go, to get a new combination of Borg looks each time. This guy has a sweet eye camera.

When he gets shot down, he’s replaced by this guy:

Zoidberg?

This won’t hurt a bit

This Borg is showing some sexy arm. And kidnapping Captain Picard?! Dammit, I was distracted by the sexy arm!!

Welcome to your new home

This guy’s plastic thigh is probably my favorite Borg part.

I’m your biggest fan

This guy has what appears to be a tiny industrial fan as an eyepatch. You know, like hamsters use when they do a re-enactment of that one scene in Singin’ in the Rain.

Blue Steel

All the Borgs have such severe Nordic features. Do you think that was on purpose?

So now the Borg have Picard and the crew try to save him and we get a lot of shots like this:

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s phaserbeam

I’m using Bev here as the example because a) her face looks fresh to death and b) we’re about to transition into Part II of the episode and her hair is like COMPLETELY different.

Anyway, they find Picard, but it’s too late!! He’s been Borged!!

Novice Borg. Like Maria in the convent

HJe’s not fully Borged-out yet, but they did give him a nice plastic six-pack there. As if he needs it.

This is how the first part of the episode - and the final episode of Season 3 - ends: with Riker preparing to fire on the Borg ship, even while Picard is still inside. Patrick Stewart tells a nice story in the featurette about some people who yelled at him in a convertible that he ruined their summer (because of the cliffhanger).

We return to find everyone on the bridge, as the Enterprise fires on the Borg cube, with no effect. Bev and Data are concerned (at least Bev is):

Like a concerned cocker spaniel

Okay, so her hair is still red, but it’s definitely longer and lighter and it’s got more BOUNCE to it. Stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks of extensions went into creating that volume.

Curlz MT

The hairstylist also came up with a better way to do Liz’s hair here - compare this with the look she was rocking in the beginning:

iCloud

Before: more of a cloud. Now: more of a mass of curls formed into a vague brain shape, like when you make a jello mold full of spaghetti and pretend it’s a brain on Halloween. (Is that a real thing?)

Riker’s in charge now, with Picard kidnapped and on the way to being a Borg, and he’s floundering a little bit. Guinan barges in with WISDOM and PURPLENESS:

This is my “dropping truth bombs" attire

At first it looked like pretty much every other Guinan outfit: swingy top with matching pants in a bold color; matching crazy hat. But it’s got some cool details:

DAT SHOULDER

These colors - bright purple and port wine - really barely make sense together. They’re just a little too close together without actually being the same OR complementary, like if you served a salad with ranch dressing AND blue cheese dressing. Everything just gets all muddled. But somehow I like it? (I would probably eat that salad, too.) And the port wine velvet looks deliciously tactile.

Offset Neckline is my new improv troupe

With a slightly closer look, we can see that there is some sort of bananas double-neckline-asymmetry happening, which I am fully in support of, as well as the fact that the bright purple fabric is a nubbly 60s upholstery fabric that looks like it belongs on a chair in Prince’s swinging bachelor pad. (Perhaps that’s also where one might find Prince’s mattress, if I can remind you all of one of my favorite lines of Charlie’s.)

Eventually, the crew succeeds in retrieving Picard from the Borg cube, but they do it all while wearing uniforms, so let’s skip over that for now and show you a more Borged-out JLP:

Exoskeletons are SO 2365

Okay, so maybe this is just me reading into things or the angle of this shot or something, but I like how Picard’s Borg Gear (or BorGear™) looks newer than the rest of them, like they really did just mold those plastic plates for him in their Borg Mold-a-Rama and throw him into them.

Data takes Locutus (Picard’s Borg name) to his lab and strips him down to try to figure out how to disconnect him from the rest of the Borg. The thing with the Borg, in case you’re unfamiliar, is that they’re a collective, and all connected to one hive mind, so the crew can’t just take all the BorGear™ off Picard and expect him to live.

Locutus of Bokayyyyyy

Picard hangs out in the same tube thingie Data used when building Lal and Data and the others try to figure out what to do. Data hooks his own positronic brain into Locutus’ Borg brain, which means he’s also hooked up to the Borg hive mind as a whole and that ends up being the key to the Borg’s downfall: Data finds an unattended subchannel of the hive mind and puts them all to sleep! But whose idea was that?

MOTHERFUCKING PICARD

This guy is so fucking badass he can be assimilated by the Borg and then fucking MENTALBLAST his way out of there.

When I posted a picture of Locutus before the cinema event, reader lefthandednessleft reblogged it and added that ze had named hir kitten Picard because “His markings on his face remind me of this picture." I just think that’s cute.

In the end, JLP is de-Borged and the cube is exploded, and we are left with a wistful Picard, drinking tea and considering what it means to be human:

That’s fucking heavy, bro

Sometimes shit gets heavy. That’s why you need tea.

Screenshots from trekcore.com because they look way better than the ones we take.

omfg