Friends, let me tell you about Priapus. Long post about a long appendage below: press J on your keyboard to skip. Sources below the Read More.
Right. There’s two things you need to know about Priapus. Firstly, his closest Roman equivalent is named Mutunus Tutunus, which is hilarious in and of itself. Secondly, he was famed for his huge and permanent erection, which honestly, I don’t even know how I can begin to deal with, but damnit, the nature of your question means that I am obliged to try.
Priapus was a very minor god, usually associated with rustic subcultures. Due to his more pastoral worshippers, he was often linked to the harvest, livestock and nature. However, due to his absolutely massive schlong, he was also closely linked with fertility. I suppose that if you’re going to pray to a god to try and improve your chances of conceiving, you might as well pray to one with balls so big that they contain enough sperm to impregnate the entire city of Athens forty times over, take a quick break, and then get Sparta pregnant by lunchtime.
According to Pausanius’ Description of Greece, Priapus was the son of Dionysus and Aphrodite (again, this absolutely makes sense). By Pausanius’ account, Dionysus and Aphrodite were totally loved up and fairly monogamous, until Dionysus took a business trip and Aphrodite fell into the arms of Adonis. When Dionysus returned, Aphrodite kicked Adonis to the kerb and demanded some more sweet monogamy from the party king, but left him again as soon as she became pregnant with the fruit of his average-sized loins. Hera took personal offence to this, because Hera is the kind of person who could watch a news report and take personal offence to the newsreader’s tie, and so she placed her hand on Aphrodite’s belly and cursed her to give birth to a hideous child with an elephantine erection, a penchant for lewd conduct, and, critically, impotence. The gods were all kind of grossed out by Aphrodite’s weird kid, and so they kicked him off Mount Olympus, leaving him to be raised by shepherds, who clearly didn’t do a very good job of co-parenting, because he then ran away to join a pack of satyrs. Satyrs are really not the kind of people who want your son to be hanging out with, and Priapus became even more course and creepy.
In Ovid’s Fasti, Priapus is going about his business of being generally kind of gross and also erect, when he stumbles across the sleeping goddess Hestia. Being an individual of the aforementioned gross and erect traits, he decides that it would be a totally cool thing to do if he were to take advantage of her while she’s asleep, but just as he’s about to do the thing, a nearby ass starts braying and she wakes up. Desperate to get away from this guy, she begs for the gods to turn her into a lotus tree, and even Priapus won’t bone a lotus tree. Enraged, he then beats the ass to death with his behemothic bellend. This whole event gives him a real chip on his shoulder about asses, and this is why his worshippers would sacrifice donkeys.
As a symbol of fertility, Priapus was often depicted in statuette form, either as a grotesque dwarf-like figure with gargantuan gonads, or simply as a massive dick. Worshippers of Priapus would touch or stroke the penis of the statue and then, hopefully, when they made love to their wives that night, their seed would take root. It’s also notable that this tradition was more prominent in Roman society; the Athenians in particular didn’t give much of a shit about Priapus and often attributed his cult to Hermes instead, which is why there are some statues of Hermes with a period typical petite phallus, and some statues with a mega dong.
There does exist a textual work named The Priapeia. No-one is really sure who wrote these poems; it was definitely a group of dudes, but which dudes? Ovid? Virgil? Possibly, but most scholars are in agreement that it was probably a bunch of random guys. Whoever it was, they compiled 95 of their poems on the subject of Priapus, and in doing so gave us a really interesting (and often terrifying) insight into the sexual politics of the golden era of Latin literature. There are whole poems in which Priapus himself just brags about his jumbo junk. There are monologues in which Priapus ignores the subject of his tremendous trouser-snake and instead waxes lyrical on the topic of gardens. And of course, there are rants about sodomy, because it’s just not Greco-Roman if there isn’t a scolding allusion to homosexual bedroom etiquette somewhere.
While the Greeks could really take or leave Priapus, the Romans went fucking mental for him. Phallic symbols were more prominent in Roman society than in Grecian society, and the Romans adopted Priapus as a sort of figure of fun as well as a god. There are many examples of Roman pornography featuring Priapus, for example. These paintings would often be displayed in full view as a symbol of masculinity and fertility, because honestly, nothing says ‘I’m totally fertile and not over-compensating for anything’ better than hanging up pictures of huge dicks all over your house.
Not all accounts agree that Priapus was actually a god. Homer and Herodotus, for example, never expressly defined him as such, and Strabo went a step further in Geography, making it abundantly clear that while Priapus’ was Dionysus’ son (in his canon, Priapus’ mother was a nymph, not Aphrodite) Priapus was not a god, but was actually just a normal dude, cursed with an abominable appendage, who was later given divine worship due to his, ahem, affliction.
Also, fun fact: his name is where we get the medical term ‘priapism’, which refers to a chronically engorged penis. So, that’s a legacy to be proud of.
I know you probably all scrolled down to the bottom to see the pictures, so here you fucking go. I hope you’re proud, because I’m not.
Is that an entire city state in your trousers, or are you just happy to see me?
Worship this.