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We metalheads are a peculiar breed. As much as we love maligning Buzzfeed and other basic things that normies enjoy, we sure do love our totally objective lists ranking different aspects of our cherished genre. We flock to lists like soccer moms to one-day Target sales, and if we disagree with a list, no level of base reprisal is beneath us. Poser accusations, IRL trolling, and death threats are just par for the course when it comes to dealing with someone else’s taste. However, in the spirit of uniting us all under the banner of metal, I think I’ve concocted one list on which we can all agree. This is the best and most perfect list, and you’re probably some lame Dave Matthews Band fan if your list doesn’t align with mine. Behold, the definitive ranking of the ten greatest heavy metal mascots.

10. The Table – Sure, most tables are made of wood. However, after James Hetfield, crooner for garage band Metallica, declared, “I am the table!”, President Barack Obama signed an Executive Order that all tables must henceforth be made of metal. Just like that, tables became the most ubiquitous mascot for our beloved franchise, reminding metalheads all over the world that we are all united in our need for raised flat surfaces.

• Greatest Strength: Four sturdy legs.
• Greatest Weakness: Lack of drawers for storage.
• Shining Moment: Dinner time at the ToH Bed and Breakfast.

9. Vic Rattlehead – Rattlehead is the ossified mascot of Megadeth. He’s changed his look a few times over the years for different periods of ‘Deth’s career, but he has always embodied the old adage of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”, which is kind of weird because I’m certain he’s heard Risk and Super Collider. Vic would be higher on this list if he had a better gig.

• Greatest Strength: Has the patience of a saint for putting up with Dave Mustaine all these years.
• Greatest Weakness: He’s blind, deaf, and dumb.
• Shining Moment: Being a blind, deaf, and dumb skeleton-man but still convincing the world’s leaders to let him cast some sort of spooky curse over an alien.

8. Chaly – Chaly is a horned skull with wings. He can do super cool stuff like firing lasers from his eyes and electrocuting stuff with his wings. He’s typically found in New Jersey hanging out with Overkill, but fans have more recently spotted him on the back of lifted trucks just above the chrome truck nutz.

• Greatest Strength: Managing to stay relevant despite being overshadowed by his Hot Topic-employed nephew.
• Greatest Weakness: Due to the Jersey Shore pronunciation of his name, it’s impossible to talk about him without sounding like a douche.
• Shining Moment: Being so menacing that some silly humans built a temple shaped like him out in the jungles of Cambodia.

7. Hector – Hector is a level 70 elite paladin who has been battling alongside Hammerfall for much of the band’s storied career. He is the wielder of the sacred hammer that guides the templars to fight for love, justice, and friendship. But test not his patience, for he will surely smite the untrue with the fury of a thousand thunderclouds.

• Greatest Strength: Absurdly high STR, DEX, CON, and CHA starting stats.
• Greatest Weakness: An aura of virtue so potent that it repels all members of the fairer sex.
• Shining Moment: Being drawn by none other than SAMWISE DIDIER, the most famous of all Hobbits and artist for the fabled Warcraft franchise.

6. Abbath Doom Occulta – Fenriz is pretty cool, I guess, but whenever I think second-wave black metal (the only true genre of music), the only logical choice for mascot is Abbath. His guitar and drum skills are surpassed only by his ability to look fabulous in corpse paint. You know him, and you love all of his work.

• Greatest Strength: Giving zero craps about anything, thereby embodying the feel-good hedonism for which black metal is so widely known.
• Greatest Weakness: Lack of chest hair
• Shining Moment: Starring alongside Leo (yes, that Leo) in Titanic.

5. Eddie the Head – Eddie the ‘Ed, as his dear mum calls him, is this super cool zombie guy who has been touring with Iron Maiden since before even Bruce Dickinson joined the group. WOW! He’s also a shape-shifter and therefore probably a lizard zombie-person, having appeared throughout time as a cyborg, pharaoh, and alien monster. You just never know where Eddie is going to pop up next!

• Greatest Strength: Can shape-shift to blend into any time and place.
• Greatest Weakness: British.
• Shining Moment: Being born as the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son, granting him his magic lizard shape-shifting powers.

4. Set Abominae – Set Abominae is basically the American version of Eddie the Head. Like his old-world counterpart, he can travel through time, shape-shift, and is generally believed to be immortal. He’s also part of a race called the Setians that predated humans here on Earth. Despite basically being a scary Antichrist, he’s also humble enough to hang out with a bunch of dragon-banging nerds. How thoughtful!

• Greatest Strength: Not British.
• Greatest Weakness: An army primarily composed of weeaboos that isn’t particularly menacing.
• Shining Moment: Assassinating JFK.

3. Corpsegrinder’s Neck – No one really knows where it comes from or where it starts and ends, but George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher’s Neck has been a staple of the death metal community for years now. A pillar, some might say. Sturdy as a tree trunk and supple as a sailor’s fingers, Corpsegrinder’s Neck has led Cannibal Corpse into what might be considered the most consistent period of their career, earning them critical acclaim and commercial success. It is solely because of Corpsegrinder’s Neck that Cannibal Corpse is the biggest band in death metal. When you think of brutal music, you surely think of Corpsegrinder’s gyrating chin muscle.

• Greatest Strength: Writing Kill despite an apparent lack of attached appendages.
• Greatest Weakness: Chris Barnes’ Dreadlocks.
• Shining Moment: Few people realize it, but Corpsegrinder’s Neck is actually the inspiration for the world tree Yggdrasil in Norse Mythology.

2. Snaggletooth B. Motorhead – Snaggletooth is the plucky mascot that has led Motorhead to rockstar glory for nearly four decades. That’s some staying power! The key to Snaggletooth’s awesomeness is that he’s like a war pig dinosaur who gets drunk on bourbon and comes home soused and violent and you hide in your room cuz you’re scared he’s gonna get the belt and oh god he’s yelling about the dishes again i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry…

• Greatest Strength: You can always count on him to bring the booze to the party. Will ensure no on leaves alone.
• Greatest Weakness: British.
• Shining Moment: Beating Baphomet in an arm-wrestling competition, thereby guaranteeing Lemmy’s continued ability to cheat death for the past decade.

Are you ready?

Brace yourself.

The number one heavy metal mascot in the entire world is coming up next.

You don’t look ready.

You’re not even wearing pants.

Go put pants on first.

Then you can see Number 1.

I’ll wait.

__________

__________

__________

Oh lord, why did you choose those pants?

Yellow? Really?

Who do you think you are, Dr. Rockzo?

Man, I can totally see the outline of your junk.

Ugh, fine. I guess you held up your end of the deal.

Okay, here it comes.

You know what, why don’t you take a seat first.

No, not there. On the sofa.

I want you to be comfortable.

Okay, let’s do this.

__________

__________

__________

__________

__________

__________

__________

1. Dave Grohl – There is no greater icon, no more inspiring tale, no more powerful deity in all of heavy metal history than Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl taught the Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clarke of Deafheaven the secret to becoming the Most Powerful Wizard. Dave Grohl taught Abbath how to play guitar and drums. Snaggletooth and Eddie were literally created after Dave Grohl pulled them out of the Queen’s dreams with his own beautiful hands. Dave Grohl built the first table and sent Kurt Cobain to heaven prematurely because he had accomplished all that could be done with the guitar. Dave Grohl is the only champion fighting for true rock today. He is the voice of this generation and every other. The only reason they don’t give him a Grammy for “Best Metal Performance” every single year is because he, in his generosity and humility, has asked that other contestants be acknowledged every now and then. Dave Grohl is the end all, be all of metal. The alpha and the omega of brutality. Hail him.

• Greatest Strength: Chanting his name cures sterility.
• Greatest Weakness: Once lost a rock-off to Jack Black
• Shining Moment: Coming down to our mortal plane and giving us blues, rock, and heavy metal.

Okay, now’s the time to share your identical list in the comments!

(Photo VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA, VIA)

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obviousplant:

I added this fake health brochure about Donald Trump to a doctor’s waiting room

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My iPod Classic got dropped at work and the hard drive finally bit the dust. After investigating and finding new and used ones selling for upwards of $250USD I decided to investigate other options including a new hard drive. New hard drives ran about $120-150USD so I decided to investigate other options. Found an SD card reader replacement online for a jolly reasonable $33 and decided it was worth my time to try replace my old hard drive with and SD card reader. (http://www.tarkan.info/store/iFlash-Bundle)

Used this useful video on Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aQn-HkvtvM) to get this bad boy open. Basically it's a case of going slow and steady and not rushing things. Once I got her open, I unclipped the 3 elements (battery, headphone port, and hard drive) very carefully with the tip of the blade I used to open the iPod. The clips are simple bar clips, so just be careful.

The iFlash card reader arrived in record time, 5 days from England to New Zealand. Very nifty, well made little board and perfectly shaped to fit in the gap required.

Here it is in the iPod aluminium body, connected to the board. As you can see, it's a simple case of reversing the steps to get everything out. Be careful with reconnecting everything but this is deceptively simple stuff. Picked up a 128gb SD card for around $50USD with a sneaky discount, but shop around and find a cheap deal. The instructions with the board warn that the reader may not accept all SD cards but I used an off brand SD card with no worries.

Plugged into iTunes and reformatted and away she goes. Down from 160GB to only 128GB but I wasn't using that extra 32GB anyway. All up, including the SD card this came to around $80USD all said and done which is a million times cheaper than a new iPod or replacing the hard drive with another SSHD. Now it runs faster and quieter and the battery should last forever too.

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A very special guest review by our pal Stanley.

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I need a break from Black Metal. When these rare (although becoming more common) instances occur, I seek music that is a far cry from corpse paint, flat-fifths and blast beats, but still evokes a similar emotional attachment. Music that is expressive, stimulating, poignant and ultimately rewarding. My favorite album of 2014 was Musk Ox’s Woodfall and it was via this release that I became aware of the supreme talents of cellist, Raphael Weinroth-Browne. His contributions, arguably the album’s highlights, sent me down the Bandcamp wormhole to discover what else he had struck his bow with. Thus, I discovered The Visit.

The Visit is a two-piece ensemble consisting of the aforementioned Weinroth-Browne and vocalist/lyricist, Heather Sita Black, and they are about to release their mesmerizing debut album, Through Darkness Into Light. It takes the “Most Aptly Named Album” award as during its fifty-five minute runtime, the listener is taken on an emotional progression from blackest lows to shimmering highs. So, banish your preconceived notions of what a cello and vocal pairing may sound like, and immerse yourself in The Visit’s genre-defying orchestrations.

“Without This Flesh” opens the album, engendering a false sense of security with its gently bowed notes, delicately plucked arpeggios and clear, vibrant vocals. Abruptly, the mood alters with unbridled intensity and in stark contrast to that which came before. The riffs are violent and abrasive, the vocals unsettling. After a brief respite, the sinister passage that follows is as close to aural darkness as it gets. It’s a bleak exploration of the chasmic depths where disfigured beasts are to be found, lurking in wait. Fortunately, there are also glimpses of understated beauty, radiating just enough luminosity to find a way out.

The second track, “Offering”, may be familiar to some of you, as in the past, I have taken every opportunity to sneak the video into various comment threads, whether pertinent or not. It’s one of the most spectacular live recordings that I’ve witnessed.

The song is peppered with evocative middle-eastern melodies, which allows Raphael to flaunt his dazzling skills. Various techniques are utilized with great effect to convey mood and feel, including plucking, tapping and the wonderful battuto, in which the strings are struck with the bow. This is how you play metal on a cello! And it’s not just the strings that are heavy. The stunning vocals, dripping with anguish, and mouthing the most ghoulish lyrics, would scare the bejeebers out of the dark lord himself.

“Offer to the fire
This seemingly endless pain
From the depths of the cavern
Where nightmare creatures gnaw on flesh
Ugly writhing thing, no light have you seen
Not alive, not dead
Purify, transform
Hold onto the light
Offering”

After the unrestrained maelstrom of “Offering”, “Cast Off The Veil” begins in plaintive tones, but even during the quieter moments of the album, there is an ever-present turbulent undercurrent that can rise up and crash down upon you without a moment’s notice. Up until now, what you will have noticed about Heather’s unique vocal style is that she is often content to vocalize her meandering melodies without actually using any words. In the context of The Visit, this method works as well, if not better, than using actual lyrics as it allows the mind to wander, unencumbered. “Cast Off The Veil” breaks this mold in that its intent is explicit. Bleak lyrics paint the landscape, but what follows is one of the most inspiring moments of the album, “Elation, Euphoria, Ecstasy”.

As the album progresses, it becomes more apparent that the duo excels in dynamics. Through Darkness emphasizes this point, juxtaposing the heaviest moments with the lightest and creating counterpoint between the subtle and the somewhat caustic segments. The section about three-quarters of the way through the song is crushingly heavy, and at times, it is impossible to believe that only one instrument is responsible for this density (vocals aside). Heather’s heartfelt cries provide urgency to the proceedings, allowing the tension to build before finally floating upwards, weightless.

Appropriately enough, after passing Through Darkness, Into Light begins in ecclesiastical style and you would be forgiven for thinking that you are attending a funeral mass. The choral-sounding arrangement, while alluring, is filled with grief and heartbreak. Heather’s angelic tones eventually interrupt the liturgy and the song shifts into a slightly more uplifting territory while still intimating poignancy. The song then takes on a clear trajectory from despondency to awe-inspiring, and while the song ends on the same somber notes that it began, this time, they exude calm and peacefulness.

I don’t know if I’ve ever heard an album quite like this, either musically or thematically, but what I do know is that it captured my attention and emotions, hook, line and sinker. In a world full of musical clones and bands trying too hard to be different, The Visit have managed to naturally conceive a wholly unique presence and sound that is majestic in its vision, scope and execution.

“The sky is streaked with red
At the horizon awaits death with one question:
“How will you spend your final days?”’

4.5 Toilets ov Hell

Through Darkness Into Light comes out on October 9th. Pre-order it on Bandcamp and give them a like on Facebook.

Big thanks to Stanley for stepping up and writing this review!

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Roses are red, Violets are blue. Chris Barnes is on Twitter, that should excite you.

One can find art in just about anything. Some find beauty in the petals of a freshly bloomed flower. Others discover themselves in the fading light of an autumn sunset. There’s probably more than a few out there who just rub their eyes a lot and then stare directly into the sun. Still, there is one place where art is undeniable: Chris Barnes’ Twitter account.

Barnes, vocalist for Six Feet Under and former vocalist for Cannibal Corpse and one pretty good Torture Killer album, is no stranger to the finer points of crafting lyrical creativity. Would you expect anything less from the wordsmith who penned “Meat Hook Sodomy”, “I Cum Blood” and “Rancid Amputation”? After all, he does join a number of metal musicians starring in commercials as the spokesman for Park Auto Mall. That has to count for something!

Found poetry is where words, phrases, and even entire sentences are taken from various sources and placed together to form a poem. A good example of found poetry comes from the speeches of former U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. You can create found poetry yourself just by mashing together the headlines in a newspaper (or your preferred news website).

So why Chris Barnes? Well, the man certainly speaks his mind. Let’s combine a few tweets (the ones that aren’t retweets from PETA, Infowars, and various other questionable outlets) and see if it touches your soul:

I could see that taped on someone’s refrigerator, right next to Dilbert comic strip and last week’s shopping list.

With a little work, that could be a haiku.

All three tweets make a good point.

Just for funsies, let’s cobble together a few stand-alone tweets and see how they look.

That would bring a tear to a glass eye. I think those worked out pretty well. I think we should give it one more shot.  In true Chris Barnes fashion, let’s end on a real high note.

Shakespeare could not have said it better.

You can follow Chris Barnes at @sixfeetofficial and make your own found poetry.  Tune in next time when we’ll take All That Remains vocalist and “guy who probably has a closet just for fedoras” Phil Labonte‘s angry tweets and try to laugh through all the cringing.

Jeez, dude. Get a better hobby.

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