Shared posts

16 Apr 15:23

Rickrolling Anniversary

Want to feel old? The 'want to feel old?' factoid meme dates back to around 2011, closer to the Bush/Kerry election than to today.
16 Apr 14:33

#1391; In which a Visit proves Vicious

by David Malki

Love yourself enough and you'll never get that screenplay written

13 Apr 20:48

Satan Informs His Devil’s Advocates That Their Services Are No Longer Needed

by SARAH CHEVALLIER

To all Devil’s Advocates:

I, Satan, regret to inform you that, after careful consideration, I am terminating all contracts with the freelance Devil’s Advocates division, effective immediately, on the grounds that you assholes are unworthy of association with me and my brand.

I have not addressed this issue previously, because I have been otherwise occupied with enacting true evil on this world. Twitter has certainly been a boon to my work, but racism, sexism, and late-stage capitalism still require constant attention. I’m on this grind twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. (You hear that, God? Some of us don’t take Sundays off, because some of us have a work ethic. Lazy hippie beardo.)

Also, to be fair, I let it slide for a while because you guys were, surprisingly, pretty useful. Picking a fight with your Tinder date about how you think women are being a little “dramatic” about workplace sexual harassment is always good, sure. I’m all about accusing women of being hysterical morons. But then, when she gets angry with you for being such an asshole, you gaslight her by saying you’re just arguing with her as a purely intellectual exercise? Delightful! And the best part is, you truly believe that this is a legitimate way to hold an intellectual discussion! I thought the “no offense, but” team was impressive, but you asshats are something else. Deeply lame, obviously, but weirdly effective in furthering my work.

But see, the thing is, you’ve outlived your usefulness. Not to be too self-congratulatory about it or anything, but I am amazing at what I do. I mean, look who is the President of the United States, for shit’s sake! Clearly, I don’t need your help. At any given moment, I can deploy a vast army of tiki torch-bearing, “men’s rights”-loving, MAGA hat-wearing deplorables faster than you can say “Black lives matter”! What could I possibly want with you morons?

And therein lies my problem with you Devil’s Advocates. I’m very obviously my own best advocate, and my inevitable reign over Earth has never felt so close. So the insinuation that you idiots are on MY level… well, let’s be real, it’s character assassination.

Who am I kidding? I’m overjoyed that I can finally unload you guys! You’re all so depressingly self-serious that it genuinely bums me out. You insist on treating this bullshit “rhetorical” debate style like you’re some kind of modern goddamn Socrates, and I frankly just don’t have time for it. Honestly, the minute I vanquish God and plunge the world into darkness and despair, you douchebags are the first ones I’m throwing in the lake of fire.

In summary: I AM THE LITERAL DEVIL AND I DON’T NEED A BUNCH OF PRETENTIOUS JACKASSES WATERING DOWN MY BRAND WITH THEIR HALF-BAKED RHETORICAL FUCKERY. GET YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE BEFORE I CALL SECURITY.

Thank you for your service,
Satan

12 Apr 14:26

#1390; A Circus made by Circumstance

by David Malki

The fifth factor, though......is love

12 Apr 13:48

An Open Letter to Finland’s President Saul Niinistö

by ALEX BAIA

Mr. Saul Niinistö,

You have recently won a historic, landslide presidential re-election victory, with 62.7% of the vote in the Republic of Finland. But you are #NotMyPresident!

What have you ever accomplished? Presided over a peaceful, prosperous, Nordic nation for six years? Expressed respect and concern even for your opponents and for the disaffected farm-born youths of Finland? All while failing to invade even a single country? Pathetic. For these reasons, plus the fact that The Republic of Finland has absolutely no geopolitical authority over my home state of Texas, you, sir, are most definitely #NotMyPresident.

Apparently, winning in a landslide and capturing the admiration of your country wasn’t enough. You went and blew it all by saying: “I am very surprised at this kind of support. I must think hard how to be worthy of it.” That kind of humility is, quite frankly, unbefitting of the highest politician in the republic, Mr. Niinistö.

A president should be bold, reckless, and full of arrogant certainty. When you said, “I have no intention of making changes just for the sake of making changes,” I vomited, sir. What we need, desperately, is a daredevil who makes wild changes precisely just for the sake of making changes — a daredevil for whom I can legally cast a vote.

Why write this letter, you ask? I had a poor experience at a local branch of your shoe store, The Finish Line. I found your return policy to be appalling — 45 days!? I ask that you personally repeal this draconian, anti-American shoe return policy.

Will you cowboy up and smash the status quo? I doubt it, for my cursory, web-based research uncovered a thing or two about your character. In 2004, you were in Khao Lak, Thailand when the Sumatra–Andaman earthquake unleashed a Tsunami that brutalized thousands. Did you rally the locals and counter-attack this tsunami? No. You climbed a utility pole with your son Matias and hid in the air.

You have learned, first-hand, how menacing these tsunamis can be, and yet, even now, possessing all 486 deployed troops of the Finnish Defense Force, you have never had any tsunami indefinitely detained, waterboarded, or deported. Sir, how can I trust you to govern me and my people when you are so very restrained and sane and kind — and so very located in a strange, alien nation that eats reindeer?

I do not want to live in your world, Mr. Niinistö. I want a world free of modesty and self-reflection. I want a world where elections terrify us. I want a world where we put our common humanity aside and place our faith in a divisive demagogue. And where we can return our shoes without a box, a receipt, or an oppressive six-week return window. You fail to embody these ideals at all. Also, you fail to live within the borders of my country. Could you ever, perched up there in your mighty igloo palace in Helsinki, represent me in the least?

I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even a solid understanding of history, geography, moral philosophy, or basic civics. But I do know this: I have never visited Finland. I do not speak Finnish — your language is called “Finnish,” right? And I have no intention of ever residing within one-thousand miles of Finland. Therefore, you are #NotMyPresident.

Sincerely,
Alex Baia
Austin, Texas

p.s. If you would grow some balls and bomb Sweden, I might reconsider. #NoPromisesThough

12 Apr 13:44

More Hiring Shakeups at The Atlantic

by Matt Bors
12 Apr 13:14

Parkland Projections

by Tom Tomorrow
06 Apr 16:48

#1692 – Bluffing

by Chris
06 Apr 16:48

#1691 – Cool show

by Chris
06 Apr 15:57

Boys of a Feather

by Kasia Babis
06 Apr 15:51

Start the Presses!

by Jen Sorensen
06 Apr 08:20

Elon Musk Isn’t All He’s Cracked Up to Be

by Maki Naro
06 Apr 08:10

Dating a Trans Person Changed My Partner’s Life

by Mady G.
06 Apr 07:41

Kids Today

by Kendra Wells
06 Apr 06:00

Vegans Are SO Annoying!

by Kasia Babis
06 Apr 05:57

What Are You Making in Your Instant Pot?

by Emily Flake
06 Apr 01:42

Hear No Evil, Until You Feel Like It

by Jen Sorensen
05 Apr 22:20

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Clowns

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Incidentally, this also explain's my mom's creepy Victorian era doll collection.

New comic!
Today's News:
26 Mar 05:44

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Gojirasaurus

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Also it didn't want to destroy the city because it mostly feeds off of aquatic insects.

New comic!
Today's News:
26 Mar 05:43

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - The Asteroid

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Sure, I'd be happy to make Bat-Individual posters. Just get DC to promise not to sue me, cross their hearts and hope to die.

New comic!
Today's News:
22 Mar 21:37

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Bully

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Oddly enough, this one was inspired by a couple of Shakespeare's more passive aggressive sonnets.

New comic!
Today's News:
20 Mar 14:32

#1382; An Inventor with Vision

by David Malki

Did you see they got double unicycles now too? I KNOW!!!

10 Mar 01:10

Background Apps

My plane banner company gets business by flying around with a banner showing a <div> tag, waiting for a web developer to get frustrated enough to order a matching </div>.
09 Mar 04:27

Irrational Worries

by Neil

Hey! Want a personalized pic or cartoon, The Other End style? Check out my Fiverr

24 Feb 16:18

Self-Driving Issues

If most people turn into muderers all of a sudden, we'll need to push out a firmware update or something.
19 Feb 01:30

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Hair

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
It's called TRUST, Sharon.

New comic!
Today's News:

Last full day to get BAHFest tickets!

19 Feb 01:27

Sinfest for February 14, 2018: Shogun 10

19 Feb 01:26

#1378; Riding on Point

by David Malki

And the geese are only in the back seat because there's a wallaby in the trunk! That's not standard, that's a stowaway I just discovered! Get out of there!!

19 Feb 01:24

Better Be Quiet Now

by Matt

i work for the ny times now

RedditShare

15 Feb 17:29

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Listen to Your Body

by tech@thehiveworks.com


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Really, you should be listening to the of a personal trainer or something.

New comic!
Today's News: