To all Devil’s Advocates:
I, Satan, regret to inform you that, after careful consideration, I am terminating all contracts with the freelance Devil’s Advocates division, effective immediately, on the grounds that you assholes are unworthy of association with me and my brand.
I have not addressed this issue previously, because I have been otherwise occupied with enacting true evil on this world. Twitter has certainly been a boon to my work, but racism, sexism, and late-stage capitalism still require constant attention. I’m on this grind twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. (You hear that, God? Some of us don’t take Sundays off, because some of us have a work ethic. Lazy hippie beardo.)
Also, to be fair, I let it slide for a while because you guys were, surprisingly, pretty useful. Picking a fight with your Tinder date about how you think women are being a little “dramatic” about workplace sexual harassment is always good, sure. I’m all about accusing women of being hysterical morons. But then, when she gets angry with you for being such an asshole, you gaslight her by saying you’re just arguing with her as a purely intellectual exercise? Delightful! And the best part is, you truly believe that this is a legitimate way to hold an intellectual discussion! I thought the “no offense, but” team was impressive, but you asshats are something else. Deeply lame, obviously, but weirdly effective in furthering my work.
But see, the thing is, you’ve outlived your usefulness. Not to be too self-congratulatory about it or anything, but I am amazing at what I do. I mean, look who is the President of the United States, for shit’s sake! Clearly, I don’t need your help. At any given moment, I can deploy a vast army of tiki torch-bearing, “men’s rights”-loving, MAGA hat-wearing deplorables faster than you can say “Black lives matter”! What could I possibly want with you morons?
And therein lies my problem with you Devil’s Advocates. I’m very obviously my own best advocate, and my inevitable reign over Earth has never felt so close. So the insinuation that you idiots are on MY level… well, let’s be real, it’s character assassination.
Who am I kidding? I’m overjoyed that I can finally unload you guys! You’re all so depressingly self-serious that it genuinely bums me out. You insist on treating this bullshit “rhetorical” debate style like you’re some kind of modern goddamn Socrates, and I frankly just don’t have time for it. Honestly, the minute I vanquish God and plunge the world into darkness and despair, you douchebags are the first ones I’m throwing in the lake of fire.
In summary: I AM THE LITERAL DEVIL AND I DON’T NEED A BUNCH OF PRETENTIOUS JACKASSES WATERING DOWN MY BRAND WITH THEIR HALF-BAKED RHETORICAL FUCKERY. GET YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE BEFORE I CALL SECURITY.
Thank you for your service,
Mr. Saul Niinistö,
You have recently won a historic, landslide presidential re-election victory, with 62.7% of the vote in the Republic of Finland. But you are #NotMyPresident!
What have you ever accomplished? Presided over a peaceful, prosperous, Nordic nation for six years? Expressed respect and concern even for your opponents and for the disaffected farm-born youths of Finland? All while failing to invade even a single country? Pathetic. For these reasons, plus the fact that The Republic of Finland has absolutely no geopolitical authority over my home state of Texas, you, sir, are most definitely #NotMyPresident.
Apparently, winning in a landslide and capturing the admiration of your country wasn’t enough. You went and blew it all by saying: “I am very surprised at this kind of support. I must think hard how to be worthy of it.” That kind of humility is, quite frankly, unbefitting of the highest politician in the republic, Mr. Niinistö.
A president should be bold, reckless, and full of arrogant certainty. When you said, “I have no intention of making changes just for the sake of making changes,” I vomited, sir. What we need, desperately, is a daredevil who makes wild changes precisely just for the sake of making changes — a daredevil for whom I can legally cast a vote.
Why write this letter, you ask? I had a poor experience at a local branch of your shoe store, The Finish Line. I found your return policy to be appalling — 45 days!? I ask that you personally repeal this draconian, anti-American shoe return policy.
Will you cowboy up and smash the status quo? I doubt it, for my cursory, web-based research uncovered a thing or two about your character. In 2004, you were in Khao Lak, Thailand when the Sumatra–Andaman earthquake unleashed a Tsunami that brutalized thousands. Did you rally the locals and counter-attack this tsunami? No. You climbed a utility pole with your son Matias and hid in the air.
You have learned, first-hand, how menacing these tsunamis can be, and yet, even now, possessing all 486 deployed troops of the Finnish Defense Force, you have never had any tsunami indefinitely detained, waterboarded, or deported. Sir, how can I trust you to govern me and my people when you are so very restrained and sane and kind — and so very located in a strange, alien nation that eats reindeer?
I do not want to live in your world, Mr. Niinistö. I want a world free of modesty and self-reflection. I want a world where elections terrify us. I want a world where we put our common humanity aside and place our faith in a divisive demagogue. And where we can return our shoes without a box, a receipt, or an oppressive six-week return window. You fail to embody these ideals at all. Also, you fail to live within the borders of my country. Could you ever, perched up there in your mighty igloo palace in Helsinki, represent me in the least?
I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even a solid understanding of history, geography, moral philosophy, or basic civics. But I do know this: I have never visited Finland. I do not speak Finnish — your language is called “Finnish,” right? And I have no intention of ever residing within one-thousand miles of Finland. Therefore, you are #NotMyPresident.
p.s. If you would grow some balls and bomb Sweden, I might reconsider. #NoPromisesThough
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