Ryan Mustard

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'Horns fans really like Miller Lite. Bud Light? Not so much.

Texas Longhorns fans were able to buy alcohol in DKR-Texas Memorial Stadium for the first time this season, and they bought a lot of it.

The university made $1.8 million from alcohol sales this fall. With total season attendance at just over 540,000, it works out to a little more than $3 per person. In all, the net revenue for the school was  $812,798, according to the Statesman.

What exactly was everyone buying? Here's a full rundown as compiled by The Big Lead:

Miller Lite: 62,275 sold, $493,856 made

Coors Light: 57,901 sold, $433,290 made

Bud Light: 24,838 sold, $182,828 made

Blue Moon can: 8,327 sold, $69,920 made

Call liquor: 7,818 sold, $84,620 made

Crispin Hard Cider can: 7,566 sold, $67,291 made

Redd's Apple Ale: 7,348 sold, $63,411 made

Dos Equis: 4,915 sold, $42,109 made

Coors Original: 4,848 sold, $37,963 made

Uncle Billy's Green Room IPA: 3,901 sold, $34,322 made

St. Arnold Lawnmower: 2,946 sold, $25,977 made

Independence Power & Light: 2,883 sold, $25,576 made

Michelob Ultra: 2,778 sold, $21,005 made

Hops & Grain Zoe: 2,697 sold, $24,041 made

Shiner Bock: 2,671 sold, $22,754 made

Wine: 2,401 sold, $17,864 made

Premium liquor: 2,048 sold, $26,321 made

House red wine: 2,006 sold, $14,504 made

Lone Star: 1,725 sold, $13,426 made

Well liquor: 1,629 sold, $14,392 made

Summer Shandy: 1,600 sold, $14,015 made

Harvest Patch can: 1,426 sold, $12,679 made

Premium wine: 738 sold, $6,289 made

Blue Moon draft: 534 sold, $4,806 made

Bloody Mary - Tito's: 409 sold, $4,499 made

Crispin Hard Cider draft: 402 sold, $3,618 made

Mimosa: 346 sold, $2,768 made

Harvest Patch Shandy draft: 168 sold, $1,512 made

Super premium liquor: 102 sold, $1,512 made

Bloody Mary - Smirnoff: 54 sold, $486 made

Bloody Mary - Dripping Springs: 23 sold, $207 made

Liquor floater: nine sold, $27 made

Not surprisingly, light beers were the most popular order. The only thing that outsold Miller Lite this season was bottled water.

You see that lamp in the corner? Look again — a wisp of blond hair is your only clue that it’s no ordinary lamp.

This delicious pizza you’re about to enjoy? Doesn’t that pizza seem a little taller than you remember? And pizzas don’t normally have eyes, do they?

I mean, some days when you look in the mirror, does it take you a second to recognize yourself? That’s because it’s not really you… It’s Tilda Swinton, hiding inside your wall.

This morning, I noticed the ironing board seemed softer than I remembered… Then it came to me — isn’t SONY making a movie about an ironing board?

As I lay on the floor, I thought: I don’t remember getting a rug this shape…

I tried to make some soup but I think the electric kettle is broken. It was whistling so strangely and the water wouldn’t boil at all — also it had hands. Did our kettle always have hands?

I went to brush my teeth but the toothbrush was very heavy and wouldn’t fit into my mouth at all. It seemed so much larger than it was the day before. I could’ve sworn it had grown by almost six feet…

Now the shower head keeps staring at me. Also, the shower head is starting to look a lot more like a real, human head.

And, by the way, I feel like our garbage can used to hold so much more garbage. And when did it start crying all the time?

On top of all that, I don’t remember buying this grandfather clock… wait a second… is that a small wisp of blond hair?

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Who says A&M doesn't do bonfires anymore?

BREAKING: I have confirmed that freshman quarterback Kyler Murray has requested a transfer from Texas A&M and that the decision is 'final.'

— Billy Liucci (@billyliucci) December 17, 2015

Only Alabama matched that number.

Efforts to turn the Texas Longhorns football program around are beginning to show results, not only in wins over the Baylor Bears and Oklahoma Sooners, but also in the number of young players excelling on the field.

The 'Horns placed three players on ESPN's True Freshman All-America Team — linebacker Malik Jefferson, offensive guard Patrick Vahe, and offensive tackle Connor Williams. No team nationally had more, and only College Football Playoff qualifier Alabama matched the number.

Here's what the Worldwide Leader had to say about Jefferson:

The 6-3, 232-pound Jefferson lived up to his billing as one of the top prospects in the country. He started nine games and finished second on the team with 61 total tackles, including seven for loss. He also forced a fumble and led the Longhorns with six quarterback pressures.

Vahe:

Vahe was a key get for the Longhorns on the recruiting trail, and it didn't take him long to find his way into the starting lineup. He's a powerful run-blocker from his right guard position, and started Texas' first 10 games before missing the last two because of a knee injury.

Williams:

The Longhorns' starting left tackle from day one, the 6-foot-5, 283-pound Williams was one of two true freshman starters in Texas' offensive line this season. He wasn't a highly rated recruit but enrolled early and played beyond his years.

The Banner Saga, one of 2014’s best (and most depressing) games, will hit Xbox One and PlayStation 4 on January 12. The next installment is supposed to hit all of those platforms sometime in 2016. The sooner, the better!

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Remember the BBC’s incredible documentary series Planet Earth? And how one of the stars was the footage of the Superb Bird of Paradise, and his Big Happy Face dance? That, of all things, is what Jaime Margary decided to dress as this Halloween.

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Originally published December 3, 2015

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get these decorative gourds the fuck out of my house. The clock expired on these goofy goose-necked bastards about six weeks ago, but I pushed it and the shit got real on me. It’s Autumn overtime up in here and these fuzzy fuckers need to go. When my guests come over I’m gonna be like, SORRY! My bad on all these rancid ornamental vegetables, you guys. I really should have stayed on top of this perishable shit.

One minute Fall’s like, “Hey, check out my delightful fucking harvest, I smell like cinnamon and apples and shit, isn’t this nice?” And I’m like, “It’s really fucking nice, I wish this could last forever.” So Fall’s like, “Be careful what you fucking wish for,” all ominous and shit. And I’m like, “Take it easy, Fall. Jesus.” And Fall’s like, “You fucking take it easy!”

Next thing I know, I’m rearranging my table horn and my fingers wind up two digits deep in gourd goo. And that shit smells like Fall’s crotch after a long jog through a fucking cornfield. And Fall’s like, “You like that smell? Huh? Is that the harvest you’re lookin’ for? Take a good whiff, asshole.” And I’m like, “But the shellack… it’s still so shiny…” And Fall just gets up real close on me and whispers, “The shellack lies.”

I’m about to throw on some kitchen gloves right now and toss these soupy fuckers into a double trash bag so their putrid squash juice doesn’t trickle all over my floor on their way out. Then I need to face the music on these Indian corns that went south on me when I wasn’t looking. I thought these petrified mini maizes would last forever but their dried-assed niblets took a funky turn and now I’ve got a foyer-full of foul fucking cobs to unload.

After that, I’m gonna head out to the front steps to do a Hazmat sweep on these Jack-O-Lanterns. Seems like yesterday I was carving happy smirks into these adorable dicks. But they’ve changed now. Mutated into a lazy-eyed mob of shriveled fucking squash zombies with Don King mold fros sprouting out of every hole nature hasn’t already shut.

These hay bales in my yard seemed like a nice way to honor the living shit out of Fall. I even stacked them onto an antique wagon and made it rain all over that 1800s asshole with a sack of Red Delicious and some crimson fucking foliage. Turns out I didn’t just make a perfect fucking seasonal masterpiece, I made a perfect fucking vermin condo, and those little pricks laid down more miniature bowel movements than I can wrap my head around.

But now I know what I need to do to make this shit right again. I’m gonna make some overdue amends with the harvest gods and gather up every last scrap of Fall I can find, pile it on top of that mouse toilet, then douse it with a nice big can of autumnal gasoline and torch this expired-assed season to kingdom fucking come.

Fall is fucking over, fuckheads.

If this made absolutely no sense to you, read the prequel here.

If you’re looking for a beautiful fucking ceramic vessel to transport eleven ounces of hot liquid to your mouth, then check out our It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers Mug and our Best of the Internet Tendency Bundle. These also make great motherfucking gifts.

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Watch in awe as a Halo 5 player gets absolutely demolished by a ridiculous snipe shot. Holy cow.

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When I took the oath of office, I swore to do everything I could to protect the citizens of this state from harm. There is nothing more important to me than ensuring that we are safe and can gather in our public places without fear of mass, indiscriminate violence. The nightmare scenario — the one that keeps me up at night — is the one where some individual could easily and legally obtain a firearm and use that firearm to kill innocent American citizens and also that the individual doing the killing is Syrian.

That’s why, as long as I’m your governor, I vow to do everything in my power to prevent Syrians from shooting you while you are at the mall. No Syrians will enter a movie theater and start shooting you. Syrians will not shoot you at church, or in a restaurant, as long as I am governor. College campuses also will not be places where it will be okay to be shot by Syrians. As your governor, I will ensure that no Syrians enter your child’s elementary school and start shooting your child.

Here are some other places where I will not tolerate American citizens getting shot by Syrians: community centers; school cafeterias; hair salons; nursing homes; office buildings; night clubs; temples; supermarkets; lecture halls; dorms; trains; house parties; playgrounds; post offices; front yards. If anyone at any of these locations were ever shot by Syrians, I would take swift and decisive action to protect our citizens from ever again being shot by Syrians.

This is how you know that I am concerned about your safety: no Syrians.

No Syrians will be able to just walk into a sporting goods store and purchase a deadly weapon on a whim or buy bulletproof body armor online. No Syrians will be allowed to attend gun shows and purchase whatever firearms they desire without restriction. And I refuse to support special interest groups whose sole mission is to profit from putting weapons into the hands of people, if those people are Syrians. Were there such an organization devoted to equipping Syrians with as many guns as they can afford, I would not bow to that organization’s every wish, because I am a public official, and I care very deeply about the safety of our citizens when it comes to whether they might be shot and killed by Syrians.

To that end, I promise to require full registration and tracking of all Syrians, and a “cooling off” period for anyone who wishes to become Syrian. Because this much is clear: the answer to the problems posed by Syrians is not more Syrians.

But it doesn’t matter, because there will be no Syrians.

This long interview with former Oasis songwriter Noel Gallagher is a goldmine of rock star swagger, a master class in not giving a shit, and the dictionary definition of unfiltered. I mean:

Am I aware of a hierarchy? I'm aware that Radiohead have never had a fucking bad review. I reckon if Thom Yorke fucking shit into a light bulb and started blowing it like an empty beer bottle it'd probably get 9 out of 10 in fucking Mojo. I'm aware of that.

I used to put us at number seven. It went The Beatles, the Stones, the Sex Pistols, The Who, The Kinks... who came in at six? I don't know. We were at seven. The Smiths were in there, The Specials. Where would I put us now? I guess I'd probably put us in the top 10. We weren't as great as the greats but we were the best of the rest. We did more than The Stone Roses could fucking even fathom. We're better than The Verve: couldn't fucking keep it together for more than six months at a time. If all the greats are in the top four, we're in the bottom of the top four, we're kind of constantly fighting for fifth, just missing out. Just missing out on the top four, I'd say.

He just has opinions on everything and everyone and says them on the record:

I fucking hate whingeing rock stars. And I hate pop stars who are just... neh. Just nothing, you know? "Oh, yeah, my last selfie got 47-thousand-million likes on Instagram." Yeah, why don't you go fuck off and get a drug habit, you penis?

This one just made me laugh:

My fragrance? Oh it's coming, it's coming. Toe-Rag it's going to be called. And the bottle's going to be a massive toe.

Ahhhhhhh, I can't stop quoting:

I guaran-fucking-tee you this: The Stone Roses never mentioned "career" in any band meetings. Ever. Or Primal Scream, or The Verve. Oasis certainly never mentioned it. I bet it's mentioned a lot by managers and agents now: "Don't do that, it's bad for your career." "What? Fuck off!" Like when we went to the Brits and we'd won all those awards and we didn't play. The head of the Brits said, "This'll ruin your career." Fucking, wow. I say to the guy, "Do you know how high I am? You know who's going to ruin my career? Me, not you. Bell-end. More Champagne. Fuck off."

Ok, that's enough. Just go read the thing.

Tags: interviews   music   Noel Gallagher   Oasis

Sonos today announced an update to its Sonos Controller app that will bring a new feature called "Trueplay" to its customers worldwide. The update allows users to fine tune their Sonos speakers, even if the devices are placed in poorly pitched areas of the room, so that the devices sound as good as they would in a higher audio quality setting.

Trueplay uses the microphone in your iPhone or iPad and a quick setup process to ensure your Sonos speakers always sound their best, whether you’ve placed one on the most perfect pedestal or hid one inside your kitchen cabinet above the coffee grinder. Now you can violate one of those audiophile rules and put your speakers where you actually want them: behind, above, under or inside and still get awesome sound.

The company promises that the new Trueplay feature will make any compatible Sonos speaker (including PLAY:1, PLAY:3, and PLAY:5) sound great whether they're "on the most perfect pedestal" or even behind a muffled door. Once the update to the Sonos Controller app is downloaded, a prompt for Trueplay guides the user through a 30-second tutorial that walks them around a specified room and sends the data back to the Sonos speaker for better quality sound.

Sonos ensured the calibration process would be user-friendly by layering in the possibility for external sounds to muffle the tuning -- a dog barking, or subtle wind noises picked up by the iPhone speakers -- and making sure the speaker didn't account for the sounds in the final stages of calibration. The company aims for Trueplay to keep all of its speakers on the cutting edge with constant updates to audio performance, "whether you’ve had your Sonos speaker for three months or three years."

The Sonos Controller app is available to download for free from the App Store [Direct Link].


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Operating under the name of Zolloc, Hayden Zezula makes all sorts of cool, creepy, lovely, trippy animated GIFs. This one is my favorite. (via ignant)

Tags: art   Hayden Zezula

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The pain and shame of how much Oklahoma sucked in the Cotton Bowl is still lingering.

There's nothing like a rivalry game to inspire a friendly wager between friends or teammates and the Red River Showdown this year was no exception.

Down in Tampa, former Texas Longhorns defensive tackle Henry Melton won a bet against former Oklahoma Sooners defensive tackle Gerald McCoy, resuilting in the Sooner alum wearing head-to-toe Texas gear on Thursday, much to his evident chagrin:

Proud @OU_Athletics grad Gerald McCoy lost a friendly bet, so he's wearing @Longhorn_FB gear for interviews today. pic.twitter.com/5bRod8Vgb8

— Greg Auman (@gregauman) October 22, 2015

But looking miserable during an interview wasn't the end of it for McCoy, who also had to do push ups while listening to the "Eyes of Texas."

This is what happens when you try to kick a prideful #longhorn while he's down... @geraldini93 you end up having to do push ups in #texas gear #texasfight #poorOUalum

A video posted by Henry Melton (@henmel) on Oct 22, 2015 at 8:26am PDT

How bad was it wearing burnt orange?

"I hate this color," McCoy said. "I'm going on the record. You can write that. I actually said that: I hate burnt orange."

Not only that, but McCoy also claimed that he almost threw up and that his skin was "burning" because of the attire forced on him by Oklahoma's 24-17 loss in the Cotton Bowl.

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The Sheriff is nearer.

If the hats fits...wear it.

Lego posted an update to Facebook this morning with an exciting image: A Lego Tardis, with a message: Landing soon...

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Like, literally.

He broke the vert test machine. (h/t BON)

Them boys up to something they just not just bluffing pic.twitter.com/SRYjH9Ca9x

— K2 (@KLR_doce) September 30, 2015

Heen even stretch tho pic.twitter.com/QILGjmx0PN

— K2 (@KLR_doce) September 30, 2015

pic.twitter.com/aBVDC8hY9N

— K2 (@KLR_doce) September 30, 2015

Today is a really great day.

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Well, duh.

With Texas Longhorns fans in an uproar after numerous questionable calls helped determine the outcome of Saturday's last-second loss to the Oklahoma State Cowboys, Big 12 supervisor of officials Walt Anderson addressed the perceived issues with Alan Eck's crew on Monday evening.

"There were a lot of things that did happen in the game," Anderson told the Dallas Morning News Monday after reviewing the game.

"It was a tough game to work from an officiating standpoint. Overall, I was pleased with the way the guys worked. Three were a few mistakes -- and I emphasize a few -- and you want to learn from them."

While it's not the outright apology that many fans would prefer, it's no small things that he was willing to admit that the officials didn't get everything right in the game.

And though Anderson was not willing to identify any of the specific mistakes made by the crew, which included a former Texas A&M football player, he did take some time to explain the rules about defensive holding and unsportsmanlike penalties on coaches, two of the calls with which fans have had the most issues:

Big 12 coordinator of officials Walt Anderson on handling unsportsmanlike conduct by coaches pic.twitter.com/Akiazu8KSv

— Max Olson (@max_olson) September 29, 2015

Big 12 coordinator of officials Walt Anderson explains defensive holding penalties on run plays pic.twitter.com/N9JMTOfAMR

— Max Olson (@max_olson) September 29, 2015

So, here's the defensive holding penalty called on Texas sophomore defensive tackle Poona Ford:

Here's the bizarre defensive holding call again. Watch 95 get double teamed, flagged for nothing. pic.twitter.com/hBA0NPHumx

— Max Olson (@max_olson) September 27, 2015

While he does briefly grab a handful of an opposing lineman's jersey, it doesn't seem to meet the standard of "visible material restriction."

The unsatisfactory explanations sparked a flurry of sarcastic tweets:

#WaltAndersonOn Gettysburg, "There were some casualties."

— Beardly Beardman (@BeardlyBeardman) September 29, 2015

BIG 12 official Walt Anderson says he's reviewed the tapes and "the dress was definitely white and gold" #hookem #waltandersonon

— TOWERSHOTS (@towershots) September 29, 2015

#WaltAndersonOn Sept. 11: "Buildings may have been damaged."

— Hannah Frost (@hannahbfrost) September 29, 2015

#WaltAndersonOn Noah's Ark: There was some rain

— Austin Rackets (@racketsaw) September 29, 2015

Feel free to add your own Walt Anderson jokes in the comments below.

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The second of the critical swing games this season is on deck as Mike Gundy brings the Pokes to Austin.

Where: Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium (Austin, Texas)

When: Saturday, September 26, 2:30 p.m. CT on ESPN

Oklahoma State's 2015 record: 3-0

Returning starters: 16 of 22 (tied for 17th nationally)

2015 statistical comparison:

Offensive Statistics	Texas	OSU
Points per Game	29.7	41.7
Yards per Game	363.3	508.7
Yards per Play	6.3	7.37
Red-Zone Scoring %	100%	92.31%
Defensive Statistics	Texas	OSU
Opp. Points per Game	37.0	11.7
Opp. Yards per Game	512.3	303.0
Opp. Yards per Play	6.2	4.2
Opp. 3rd-down Conversion %	56.3%	33.3%

Previous meeting: Texas lucked out last season by avoiding the start of the Mason Rudolph era at quarterback for Oklahoma State, instead getting an oportunity to knock around Daxx Garman behind an inexperienced offensive line. The Longhorns dominated time of possession (38:37 to 21:23), locked down the Cowboys' rushing game (23 carries for 34 yards), and used two first-quarter touchdowns to take an early lead.

Quarterback Tyrone Swoopes led the Texas offense with a 24-of-33 performance through the air as the sophomore racked up 305 yards and two touchdowns. Running back Johnathan Gray added 16 carries for 81 yards and one touchdown.

Overall series: Texas leads, 24-5

Key facts:

-- The Longhorns have won 15 out of the last 16 conference openers.

-- The only loss in a Big 12 opener for Texas came in 2007 against Kansas State. Apologies for activating your Ron Prince PTSD.

-- Three of the five wins for Oklahoma State in the series have come in the last five years, including three straight wins in Austin. The visiting team has won every game since 2008.

-- Seventeen of the 22 starters for the Cowboys hail from the state of Texas.

Offense

Led by sophomore Mason Rudolph, who currently ranks No. 12 nationally in passer rating, the Oklahoma State offense is heating up after a tepid 24 points against Central Michigan to start the season, as the Pokes dropped 69 last weekend on UTSA, though the offense received a major boost in the form of seven turnovers forced by the defense. Now 5-1 as a starter, Rudolph is completing 69% of his passes and averaging 10.5 yards per attempt.

Despite Rudolph's success, Gundy still has a package for senior quarterback JW Walsh, Jerrod Heard's predecessor at Denton Guyer. A lack of arm strength sunk his career as the starter, but he's still a strong athlete who can make plays with his legs and is a threat to pass when he's in the game as well -- two of his four completions have gone for touchdowns this season.

With the exception of speedster Tyreek Hill, who was dismissed last December following a domestic assault, Oklahoma State returned all their top receivers from 2014. Senior slot receiver David Glidden is currently leading the way with 12 catches for 283 yards and three touchdowns -- that's an average of 23.6 yards per catch. Rudolph doesn't play favorites though, as there are currently six Cowboys receivers with five or more catches.

The offensive line now features much more experience after entering the 2014 season with only 38 total starts. With Hill and Desmond Roland now departed, highly-rated junior college transfer Chad Carson is now the No. 1 back. Central Arkansas was able to shut him down (15 carries for 42 yards), but Carson was able to take advantage of UTSA for his first 100-yard performance. He also scored two touchdowns against the Roadrunners.

Defense

Only two seniors ranked among the team's top 10 in tackles last year, so this is a much more experienced unit in 2015 than the one the Horns faced last year in Stillwater. The competition hasn't been of the highest level, so the Cowboys only rank No. 65 in defensive S&P+ so far this year, even though the unadjusted numbers are much more impressive. However, it looks like third-year defensive coordinator Glenn Spencer has his group on the upswing once again after he orchestrated an impressive turnaround in 2013 and then saw regression in 2014 when four of his top six tacklers departed.

Senior defensive end Emmanuel Ogbah is the reigning Big 12 Defensive Lineman of the Year after his breakout junior campaign and he's off to another strong start with 4.5 tackles for loss and 3.5 sacks through three games. Heard will also see his old high school teammate on the other side of the line -- senior Jimmy Bean combines with Ogbah to form one of the conference's best defensive end duos.

Look out for freshman defensive tackle Darrion Daniels on the inside. The former consensus four-star prospect from Dallas Bishop Dunne has stepped quickly into a big role and could present some problems for the interior of the Texas offensive line.

Cibolo Steele product Ryan Simmons is a steady force at linebacker for Oklahoma State. Undersized at 6'0, Simmons is a tough player with good speed considering that he carries 243 pounds. The team's active leader in carer tackles and career tackles for loss, Simmons is now in his third season as a starter.

The secondary gained a lot of experience last year and is led by senior cornerback Kevin Petersen, who made his name in 2014 by holding star West Virginia wide receiver Kevin White to 27 yards on three catches. At safety, another Cibolo Steele product, Jordin Sterns, provides stability at the back end. He's the leading tackler for the Cowboys right now with 28 stops.