Ryan Mustard

1. Hopper

2. Tiller

3. Dashiell

4. Stanchion

5. Anais

6. Talullah

7. Rudder

8. Mason

9. Traveler

10. Flora

11. Portlight

12. Magnus

Boat Parts: 2, 4, 7, 11
Names of Unvaccinated Children: 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12
Both: 9

The trajectory remains positive for the young starter.

The Tyrone Swoopes era is officially in the books on the winning side of the ledger after the shutout of the Kansas Jayhawks last week, but the Texas Longhorns will need more development from the sophomore quarterback to pull out another win on Saturday against the Baylor Bears.

Swoopes has already gotten off to a better start in terms of wins and losses than former Louisville quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, who lost the first three starts of his career with the Cardinals. The Texas starter did, however, have the benefit of playing some as a freshman, while Bridgewater got thrown into the mix against Kentucky in the third game of his freshman season and was the starter thereafter.

During Bridgewater's first three games, he completed 62% of his passes, but also threw four interceptions (4.6% interception rate) and only two touchdowns. In the area of decision-making, Swoopes has been much better with only one interception over his first 99 attempts (1.0% interception rate), without even throwing any passes that have had a chance to get picked off.

For a quarterback who was considered so raw entering the season and threw the bad interception in the Orange-White game, the ability to avoid turnovers has been one of the most impressive attributes of Swoopes' first three starts.

Interestingly enough, Louisville also had a relatively inexperienced offensive line when Bridgewater entered the lineup in 2011, having entered the season No. 114 in the country with only 25 returning starts.

Real growth happened for Bridgwater after those three straight losses as the Louisville running game improved, though he battled interception issues throughout his first season. On the year, he threw 12 interceptions at a rate of 4.0% before progressively eliminating those mistakes until he threw only four as a senior on 427 attempts, down to a rate of less than 1%.

Despite the interceptions, the Cardinals won five of six games to end the regular season that year and beat West Virginia behind an efficient 21-of-27 passing performance from Bridgewater that went for 246 yards and a touchdown, an average of more than nine yards per attempt.

Since Swoopes is only averaging less than six yards per attempt this season, increasing that number to at least eight or nine yards per attempt in a game would represent a major improvement in creating big plays. There have been some positive trends there, as he went from a 22-yard long in his first start to a 33-yarder against UCLA to a 48-yarder against Kansas that came on a scrambling launch down the field that showcased the significant ceiling that has always intrigued evaluators.

Play caller Shawn Watson said on Tuesday that he's seen a positive trajectory for Swoopes as well.

"He had a great day at practice today," Watson said. "Every week, I'm just amazed how much more he's taken on from what he just learned. I've used players from my past like, 'Here's how you do it, here's the experience they had, here's what they did with it, here's how we managed it and here's how we got through it.' It's fun coaching him. I love coming to work. I do. He's putting everything in to becoming a good football player."

The offensive line is probably the biggest limiting factor for the offense, but the ability of Swoopes to handle the entire offense has also been a part of that through the last three games. Watson said that Swoopes is now able to make most of the checks at the line of scrimmage.

"He does that for us. We keep it simple. Our system and those types of triggers are pretty easy for a quarterback but yet at the same time, he's got to be able to adjust on the move and that's not the easy part. That's been his development. It's easy when it's static and you're not at the line of scrimmage initially but when it changes during the cadence, not coming unraveled, staying poised and getting the communication laid, which is what he's gotten better at."

However, he's still not getting all of his pre-snap decisions right, as head coach Charlie Strong mentioned on Monday in relation to the speed option, which he said that Swoopes wasn't running to the correct side of the field against Kansas.

And when any quarterback takes over, the leadership question starts coming up. In temperament, Swoopes is probably closer to David Ash than Case McCoy, though Watson doesn't seem concerned about that.

"Yeah, that's one of the things I continue to work with him on. I think here's what's happening though, his teammates have a lot of trust in him and they really respect the work he's putting on the field. He's impressive with what he's doing in practice and the way he's managed himself in games. He's gained their trust and their respect and now it's time for him to really live his conviction. That's where I've got to step in and help him and teach him how to do that. It's a natural process. Be who you are and let what's inside of you out. When you put a lot into it, it should be easy to let it out. So my whole purpose with him is to put a lot into it, take pride in what he's put into it and let his conviction out."

Interestingly enough, leadership through living your convictions was the answer that Ash provided this fall when asked once again about how he perceived himself as a leader.

On the national level, there weren't any significant questions about the leadership ability of Bridgewater when he was at Louisivlle and Watson compared Bridgewater's demeanor to that of his current starter.

"In a positive way," Watson said when asked if Swoopes gets fired up. "He's no different than Teddy [Bridgewater]. Teddy was the same kind of guy. His example of leadership is by his production and he's a guy that if somebody drops the ball, you'll see him over there talking to him. He gets excited in a positive way. He's not out of control. I think you want your quarterback to have poise but have emotion and he shows that."

In terms of fiery nature, Swoopes certainly looked into the game after he scored his rushing touchdown against Kansas, so it's not like he's completely emotionless on the field.

For wide receiver Jaxon Shipley, it's about developing a rapport with the quarterback, through working in practice and on the side going against air, but also bonding on a more personal level.

"You've got to develop the trust with the guy and honestly a friendship," Shipley said. "That's the thing that I think is important, and we all feel like we have Tyrone's trust, and we trust Tyrone."

One thing that Watson inarguably did well at Louisville was molding the offense to Bridgewater, taking advantage of his strengths and minimizing his weaknesses.

"We're working Ty[rone Swoopes]," he said. "I think I've got Ty to a point where his decision-making has been on. He understands. He's had enough reps at what we do. I chart everything he does. I know exactly how many reps he's taken on every pass that we've made and I see his growth. I grade him every day and his grades have continued to grow, so he's allowed us to push forward and use some of those other pieces."

Watson specifically mentioned freshman wide receiver Armanti Foreman as one of those pieces and the offense could get a big-play threat on Saturday if the rumors prove correct about the potential reinstatement of junior wide receiver Daje Johnson, who has missed the first four games of the season due to suspension.

Even with all the talk about leadership and preparation, the bottom line on games days is creating the chunk yardage that Texas desperately needs offensively facing so many difficulties consistently moving the ball on the ground. The plays were there against Kansas and Swoopes left them on the field.

One thing that never happened with Bridgewater during his freshman season was consistently producing big plays, as only two passes went for over 50 yards on the season, a number that tied for No. 86 nationally that season.

In three games, Swoopes has already come close to hitting one of those plays with his effort to Shipley against Kansas and was close on several others.

Strong spoke this week of a deep commitment to throwing the deep ball, a deeper commitment perhaps than he had when he was coaching Bridgewater at Louisville.

Swoopes has a more live arm than Bridgewater and coaches that are at least talking about the need to take advantage of that skill, even if the accuracy isn't quite there yet.

And the Texas quarterback may even have more explosive weapons underneath than his Louisville counterpart in Foreman and Johnson if or when the latter returns.

In some important ways, he's already ahead of a quarterback who played for the same coaches and eventually became one of the best in college football.

For Swoopes' positive trajectory to continue, he has to translate the potential into production.

Maybe give that Wolf of Wall Street chant a chance before the game.

This is awesome. @TelcoAg has exclusive video of Charlie Strong getting Texas QB Tyrone Swoopes ready for gameday. http://t.co/i1ljocQZta

— Wescott Eberts (@SBN_Wescott) September 27, 2014

submitted by Neon_Platypus1
[link] [505 comments]

For directorial craft, there are few people working today who can match David Fincher. And yet he describes his own process as “not what I do, but what I don’t do.” Join me today in answering the question: What does David Fincher not do?

For educational purposes only.
You can support the channel at http://www.patreon.com/everyframeapainting
And you can follow me at http://www.twitter.com/tonyszhou

Oh how writing is an evolutionary process. When this casual, off the cuff, down to Earth, blue collar, everyman's introductory section was first being written, it had Art Briles, master practitioner of the dark arts, leeching the moxie out of a Case McCoy he had chained up in his basement (no, not real estate Case - Baylor's medical wing perfected cloning years ago). Needless to say, this piece of fiction found its way into the recycle bin, joining ‘Terminator Taysom Hill', ‘Nick Saban & the Hurry Up; No Fair', ‘How to Recruit Safeties Who Can Throw', and countless others.

But forget all that - today is a day of celebration, for we have left the ranks of the losing records (suck it Michigan)!

This week, The other bears on our schedule roll into DKR. The Baylor variety. Sure, Texas may be a 16 point underdog at home against the Wacoans (Wacoytes? Wacons? Wackos?) But have no fear, we have a little thing called math on our side.

Coach Bryles - meet the cold hard truth of Reflexive Properties of Equality:

Last week we had the Swoopes Promise^TM. Now we have the Harris Theorem of Redundancy. Clearly our superior logic has left the competition stunned:

Baylor coach Art Briles was confused when asked about Harris' remarks.

"Nothing. What am I supposed to say?" Briles asked. "We're still Baylor, TCU is still TCU, Oklahoma is still Oklahoma. I don't know what that means."

Come on Coach Go Route. It's the first proof in the geometry playbook. How you gonna beat A University of the First Class if you can't get out of 9th grade? I would have thought you would be good at passing things.

But the numbers don't stop there. Baylor has its weaknesses, and the key will be exploiting them. First, they are terrible on grass (2-10) since Briles took the reigns. Conveniently, the word on the street is the game has been moved from DKR to the practice fields. Check and mate.

Second, they have a terribly poor OOC strength of schedule (Buffalo, Northwestern State, SMU?). We throttled UNT 38-7 and UNT beat SMU 43-6. So by transitive property, we beat SMU 233-6 which means we will beat Baylor 36-7. Don't check it. It is known.

If you aren't convinced by Ph.D-level math, then you'll just have to take it on faith. Although be careful, Art has that area on lockdown too. Despite this, we at the Pregamer choose to believe. They stole a conference championship from us last year (Ha!), so it's time for revenge.

Hook ‘em.

Coaching Carousel

As some of you might have heard, we enter this week with a giant hole in our collective hearts. So long Weis. There was only enough room for one Chuck in this conference, and you just got Charlie Brown'd. When you start losing to Texas, it's time to go. Even if KU hasn't beaten Kansas State since before Bill Snyder was born.

In fact, it appears plus size coaching may be on the decline nationwide.

via lunchtime

If only there was someone who could step in and turn the ship around. Someone with plenty of Big 12 experience - who knows how to get the donors back on board. Who claps.

You heard it here first folks. Mack is rejuvenated and totally ready to take over a program that has had a similar amount of success at QB in recent years. He's playing it coy. Maybe he has his eyes set on bigger cookies? Perhaps the folks in Ann Arbor are about to wake up to the smell of Sally's? Has anyone reserved MackBrownOaklandRaidersFootball.com yet?

Stay tuned.

Better Know a Roster

• Cordell Dorsey (NB, FR) - There is only room in this world for about 2 people named Cordell/Kordell. One of them is nicknamed Slash, and the other is nicknamed ROUNDHOUSE KICK THE FACE, TX STYLE. Still want that name, Dorsey?
• Kendall Ehrlich (LB, SO) - It is very hard to hear Erlich and not think Bachman...and therefore think world's greatest and most scientific dick joke.
• Xavien Howard (CB, SO) - We've all been there. Got a little sloppy at the end of a word. That "r" bleeds a little into an "n." I'd imagine not many of us have done it on a birth certificate, however.
• Spencer Roth (P, SR) and Ira Lewis (DL, FR) - Geez, I know I'm getting old when I come here to make a "Roth IRA" joke.
• Bryce Hager (LB, SR) - Last year we made a Sammy Hagar joke, not even realizing that this team has a ^^ Roth as well. No doubt his dad jammed Van Halen before games.
• Baylor Black (LB, SO), Blake Blackmar (OL, FR), Beau Blackshear (DL, JR) - Join Mr. King in the exclusive "Black B.B."s club.
• KD Cannon (WR, FR) - Ok, sure. He didn't choose UT and he is like the top receiver recruit in the country...he's not even the most impressive Cannon we've played all year. Sushi. Bazooka.
• Devin Chafin (RB, SO) - Baby powder.
• Suleiman Masumbuko (DT, JR) - "Terrence Knighton can get "Pot Roast" to stick, but  I can't get my magnificent "Ossobuco" sobriquet to catch-on with these cretins in Waco," Suleiman pontificated with consternation.
• LaQuan McGowan (OG, JR) - First word of his Baylor profile is "enormous." Like 6'8" and a baconator away from being 400 POUNDS, enormous (slimmed from 420!). An incredibly impressive 4:9 capital-to-lower-case ratio. Attended high school at "Cal Farley's Boys Ranch." He was all-district for three positions. O-line, D-line...and kicker! He is my new favorite Baylor Bear. Sorry fantastically-named Shock Linwood (RB, SO).
• Silas Nacita (RB, SO) - This name may be almost as cool as Shock Linwood. I feel like he should go by "Brother Silas."
• Chris Platt (WR, FR) - He really is everywhere these days. From Guardians of the Galaxy, back to Parks and Rec, to new Jurassic Park, and now catching TDs from Bryce Petty.
• Tion Wright (CB, SO) and Taion Sells (S, SO) - So how is it spelled? Well Tion is Wright [sic] but Taion...Sells. [Carusoglasses.gif]
• Cal Spangler (IR, JR) and Orion Stewart, (S, SO) - guys with names like these tell stories about the war. Like the first "World" one.

Google Suggestions:

In deference to our Big Data overlords, here is a look at some of Google's relevant top predictive searches.

Roger Goodell & Charlie Strong

Ok, so the internet is obsessed with net worth/salary, finding out if a wife is hot or not, and twitter. No surprise there. The real interesting data would be the source of the "Charlie Strong Rules" clicks. Prospective recruits? Current players who slept through every team meeting? Emphatic fans? CHARLIE STRONG RULES!

Art Briles

Art Briles Book #1 (& #6)? Sellout.

Mack Brown

If you aren't following Mack Brown on twitter then you don't internet. Also, the irony of Mack Brown possibly replacing Will Muschamp at Florida is delicious.

Longhorn vs Bear

It's quite hilarious that the Longhorn Beetle beats Longhorn Network - there's more than one joke in there. It's quite depressing that Longhorn Beetle outranks Longhorn Football... but we can take solace in the fact that Baylor Bear isn't even on the board when it comes  to most popular bears. Heck, the third most popular bear is actually a beard.

Crazy Baylor vs Crazy Longhorn

These results would have you believe Baylor parties harder than Texas... unless it's a meat party... which... ehh... how about that crazy Longhorn ant!

KyleCarpenter: Jerod Douglas was a Baylor Running Back in the 90s. He had a good, but not spectacular, 2811 career rushing yards (though he did set Baylor's single-game record with 210 yards against UT), but was derailed by injuries. In HS though...he rushed for nearly 3000 yards in consecutive seasons and led Judson to back-to-back state titles. But he didn't live in Judson's district. Douglas, like me, lived in greater SCUCISD. Judson found a job and a loophole for his mother, and the rest is history. I've secretly hated Baylor (and obviously Judson) ever since. Whew.

That said, Baylor by 30. :(

VY Pump Fake: I stand by the math. 36-7.

TejasChaos: Fortunately for us there is no truth to reports that Baylor will beat Texas in the fall of 2014. None.

Read 2 remaining paragraphs | Comments

Earlier today, Apple released a statement to several different media outlets in response to reports about the iPhone 6 Plus bending within user pockets, stating that bending from normal use was "extremely rare" and suggesting only nine customers had complained about bending issues.

In addition to outlining its rigorous testing policies, Apple has now invited reporters from both CNBC and The Verge to its testing facility to see the machines that it uses to test its products in person. The lab contains an array of different testing equipment, with Apple's head of engineering Dan Riccio telling CNBC the iPhone 6 was "the most tested product we have ever done" and that Apple had not tested another phone as exhaustively.

Three-point pressure test image, courtesy of The Verge"As we add more and more features, we have to find out a way to break them before customers do," Riccio told The Verge. According to Apple, 15,000 separate tests were conducted on both the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus. "The bottom line is that if you use enough force to bend an iPhone, or any phone, it's going to deform," said Riccio.

When asked about the reports of bending, Apple's head of marketing, Phil Schiller, called them "extremely rare occurrences" reiterating to CNBC that out of millions of iPhones sold, Apple had only received nine complaints. He also told The Verge that Apple "designed the product to be incredibly reliable throughout all your real world use."

Apple also outlined some of the different durability tests conducted on the iPhone 6 Plus to The Wall Street Journal, explaining that it's subjected to three-point bend tests, which place pressure on the iPhone to ensure it can handle reasonable force, and pressure-point cycling, which places "substantial" force on the enclosure hundreds of times. The iPhone is also subjected to torsion testing, which twists and torques the device, and there were sit tests simulating real-life scenarios.

Apple pointed to five different tests that new iPhones go through in the development process, including what is known as "pressure point cycling test" when it applies substantial force on the display and enclosure hundreds of times while the phone is held by the sides. Apple said this process bends the enclosure repeatedly to ensure that the iPhone can be bent and pressed at reasonable force throughout its life.

Another test, according to Apple, is called the "sit test." This test simulates sitting on a hard surface with the phone in the back pocket of a pair of tight jeans. Apple said it runs the phones through thousands of cycles testing the phone in different positions.

In addition to all of the above testing, Apple also tested the phone in real-life, handing iPhone 6 and 6 Plus devices out to "hundreds of company employees" to use in various situations to test for durability and performance.

Reports of the iPhone 6 Plus's weakness to bending first surfaced on Monday, after multiple MacRumors forum members shared images of devices that had bent subtly while in a pocket. The bending issue then went viral after a YouTuber posted a video of the iPhone 6 Plus warping out of shape when bent in his hands.

Given the significant amount of media attention the bending has received over the course of the last few days, it has been difficult to determine how many users were truly affected by iPhone 6 Plus bending during real world usage. According to Apple, the number of affected users is comparatively low based on how many devices are now out in the wild.

Despite keeping quiet on the issue for several days, Apple has directed support staff to replace affected phones under warranty following a visual inspection. "In this case, as in many things, we tell customers that if you think something's occurred that shouldn't have with your device, go to AppleCare, go to The Genius Bar, and let them take a look at it," Schiller told The Verge. "And we'll see if your product is having an experience it shouldn't have and is covered under warranty."

Additional photos of Apple's testing equipment and details on the testing process can be found in The Verge's original report on Apple's testing facility.

Update: Re/code also visited Apple's testing facility and has published additional photos and a video.

DJs now routinely make deliberate mistakes mixing tracks so that people will know they're mixing the tracks by hand and not just using software to automatically match beats.

DJs all over the world are now deliberately making mistakes during their mixes to prove to fans and critics that they are in fact real DJs.

The latest craze, known as miss-mixing, is proving very popular amongst digital DJs as a way of highlighting that they are actually manually mixing tracks rather than using the sync button.

Michael Briscoe, also know as DJ Whopper, spoke about miss-mixing with Wunderground, "Flawless mixing is now a thing of the past, especially for any up and coming digital DJs. You just can't afford to mix without mistakes these days or you'll be labelled as a 'sync button DJ.'"

As computers get better at things like DJing, cooking, writing, and the like, imperfection may become a mark of human-produced goods and media. In the future, we'll be urged to buy not just hand-made but Human Made™ the way people go for American made, locally made, organic, artisanal, or vintage goods nowadays. The problem, as Tyler Cowen notes, is if computers are smart enough to DJ, they're certainly clever enough to be a little sloppy too.

Update: I gots hoodwinked! Wunderground is a satirical site...DJs are not intentionally making mixing mistakes. But the idea is not all that farfetched! Under the doctrine of even if it's fake it's real, I'm satisfied with my conclusions. (thx, ken & mumoss)

Tags: music

The defensive coordinator is earning a reputation as a quote machine, making his media availabilities a must-watch every week.

Some choice tidbits from his press conference.  My comments are the end.

The blue print of this program has been and always will be the change in helping direct the lives of young people. I'm sorry that another player had to be dismissed, but when you're told something over and over again...

We continue to develop young men. We will continue to ask them to follow our core values, which all of them have been brought up on. They understand what the core values are. When you are asked to do something and you are part of a team, and when you don't do it then you affect the whole team, and you affect the whole program.

Young people want discipline in their lives, and it's our job as a coaching staff to make sure that we provide him with discipline. I always look at it like this - right now, they are laying a foundation for 10 years from now. That foundation is the house they are going to live in, the wife they are going to pick to marry, their children and how they're going to provide for them and how they're going to raise them. If that foundation is provided for them now, 10 years from now they'll just be able to lean back on it and look back and say 'That's the life that I want to live.

Any time a player is dismissed from this program it hurts me because we are here to help young men. We are not here to run young men off; that's not our job. We're here to help them, and it just bothers me. When you're given an opportunity, you want to make sure you have every resource and everything available to help them be successful.

I always look at it - sometimes you see someone that has given so much and achieved so little and then someone that has given so little and achieved so much.

I'm not hard at all. Those guys have more fun around me then they will ever have around any coach, and that's just the atmosphere that I provide for them. I give them a lot of chances to get it right because I want them to still be successful.

When you say you're going to do something, it's just like your own child, they're going to challenge you. Now when they do challenge you, then what are you going to do about it? It's not so much the program, it's just that young men sometimes want to make a decision where they feel like it is their prerogative to do whatever they want to do. It just can't happen here.

**

Our program is being led by a solid dude - whatever the football results.  And you can tell he's deeply upset. He wants it more for these guys than they do for themselves.

Some of his values, which I've read and heard described as "strict" or "old fashioned" or "intolerant" or "meat-headed" are, in fact, the basis of a functioning civil society.

Basic respect for women, don't steal, don't carry guns for cheap street cred, don't lie, don't let your life be ruled by drugs or alcohol such that you can't live up to your responsibilities.

Radical stuff.

That's Charlie's insensitive campaign against the backdrop of Ray Rice knocking his fiance out cold and showing the emotion of a boa constrictor, Adrian Peterson beating a four year old with a switch hard enough to leave marks for a week and Aaron Hernandez ringing up the body count.  There are some pretty grotesque proliferating subcultures in our society that people mistake for cool, interesting or edgy with effects more far-reaching and a lot more devastating than our silly bread and circus every Saturday. Charlie - such a wet blanket.

Strong isn't going to tolerate or adorn himself with the trappings of those subcultures because it looks cute or makes him relatable.  Coaches don't lose locker rooms because of rules.  Coaches lose locker rooms from neglect and failing to stand for anything.  That's also how you lose communities and cities and countries.

You must become us.  We will not become you.

Charlie - "that old school meathead" - is aware of the bigger world, what's at stake, and what constitutes a well-led life more than that smirking media effete will ever fathom.

Read on Ars Technica | Comments

First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of this freaky-ass harvest with the brand-new Decorative Gourd Diner Mug.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over, it’s gonna be like BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air, and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been to an Italian deli with salamis hanging from its ceiling? Well, then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking, or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

Available now in our store, the brand-new
Decorative Gourd Diner Mug

And if you buy the Quarterly Subscription/Diner Gourd Mug Combo you’ll get the Diner Mug for just $5!

Read about the editing process of publishing “Decorative Gourds” over on our Patreon page, and maybe even consider becoming a patron while you’re there?

iOS 8, released to the public today, includes an API that allows developers to create system-wide third-party keyboards for the first time, which will let users select from a range of different keyboards with unique functions.

We've rounded up a list of the best third-party keyboards currently available to you find the keyboard best suited to you. Some of these keyboards are in the App Store now, while others will begin rolling out today following the launch of iOS 8.

SwiftKey (Free) [Direct Link] - SwiftKey is a gesture-based keyboard that allows users to type by dragging their fingers from key to key. Along with offering predictive suggestions, SwiftKey integrates with SwiftKey Cloud to let a user's preferences be backed up and synced across all devices.


Swype ($0.99) [Direct Link]- Like SwiftKey, Swype is a gesture-based keyboard that allows users to drag their fingers from key to key in order to create words. Swype's built-in predictive text engine determines what was being typed, and it offers predictive punctuation to speed up typing. Swype also includes several different themes for custom looks. SwiftKey and Swype are fairly similar, and Re/code has done a review comparing and contrasting them.


Minuum ($1.99) [Direct Link] - Minuum is a resizable keyboard that can be shrunken down (via swipe gestures) to allow more of the screen to be seen. Minuum also takes advantage of a robust autocorrect feature that automatically corrects spelling as words are typed and offers word suggestions.


Fleksy ($1.99) [Direct Link] - Fleksy is known as the fastest keyboard in the world. It incorporates advanced autocorrection features to interpret what's typed (which improves over time) and it uses swipe gestures to make it easy for users to delete, add punctuation, spaces, and select alternate autocorrect suggestions. It also includes support for emoji and offers a resizable keyboard.


TouchPal (Free) [Direct Link] - TouchPal is another keyboard that lets users drag a finger over letters in quick succession to spell words, suggesting different choices based on input. TouchPal also offers a design that's similar to the standard keyboard, but it incorporates quick access buttons to allow for easy insertion of punctuation and special characters.


TextExpander ($4.99) [Direct Link] - Built into an update of the existing TextExpander app, the TextExpander keyboard allows users to type in short abbreviations, which are then spelled out fully. For example, tyvm might become thank you very much.


KuaiBoard ($1.99) [Direct Link] - Formerly known as QuickBoard, KuaiBoard is not a traditional keyboard. It's designed to let users insert chunks of frequently typed text like signatures, address information, billing information, and more. As outlined in our full hands-on post, KuaiBoard lets users create blocks of text that can then be inserted anywhere. It also has a feature that automatically detects a user's location, allowing it to be typed into a text message or email.



Keymoji (Free) [Direct Link] - Keymoji is an emoji keyboard that converts text into emojis as it is typed. Users can use Keymoji to insert an emoji into a sentence quickly or replace text entirely with emoji symbols. For example, if a phrase like "cookie monster" is typed, Keymoji will give users the option to replace the text with a cookie emoji next to a monster emoji. "Toilet paper" becomes a toilet emoji next to a paper emoji, while "goatee" becomes a goat emoji next to a tea emoji.



Kaomoji (Free) - Kaomoji keyboard is a fun third-party keyboard that allows users to insert kaomoji, or ASCII text emoticons, into messages, email, and more. Many users may not be familiar with kaomoji, but the popular table flip emoticon seen in the image below is one example. The Kaomoji keyboard isn't available yet, but it should be launching soon.


Third-party keyboards require users to install a separate app for each keyboard. Once downloaded, a keyboard can be turned on in the Settings app. In Settings, go to General --> Keyboards --> Add New Keyboard and tap whichever keyboard needs to be installed. From there, it is easy to switch between available keyboards by holding down on the Globe or Emoji icon in any app that supports keyboards.

Okay, I’m just gonna use that same old brush, its working so well. Gonna tap that corner into a little bit of yellow ochre. Just tap the corner, I want very little paint.

What am I painting? Fuck you, that’s what I’m painting. You know why, mister? You drive to the store to get your paint supplies in a Hyundai, I drive an $80,000 BMW. That’s what I’m painting.

Painting is a man’s game. You can’t play the game, you can’t paint, go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in life: painting pretty trees. You know me, I always gotta put in a big, happy tree. You hear me, you fucking cocksuckers?

A-B-P. Always be painting. ALWAYS BE PAINTING. G-P-M-B. G, Get a clean paintbrush. P, Put some paint on that brush, M, Make some cute little clouds above some footy hills. B, Be sure to thoroughly clean your paint station afterwards. G, P, M, B!

You see this painting? This painting costs more than your car. You see pal, that’s why I’m who I am, and you’re nothing. You’re a nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good at sketching? Then turn your TV off and go sketch. This is The Joy of Painting, not Needledicks That Love Sketching.

You want to watch my show? Paint. Paint right now and do not stop until I have told you do so.

People tell me that my demeanor is “off-putting” and “alienating,” that I’m “abusive” and “scare away viewers.” You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksuckers?

You can’t take this, how are you gonna take the art critics? They’re wolves, vicious. “Bob Ross lacks technical sophistication.” “Bob Ross is basically just a landscape painter, and a mediocre one at that.” And that’s what they say about me. Bob Fucking Ross.

I can go out there with the materials you got. An easel from Michael’s. Some boutique paint from Etsy. I can go with that and make $15,000 tonight. In two hours. Can you? Can YOU? Go and do likewise. G-P-M-B.

Get mad, you sons of bitches. Get mad. You know what it takes to paint cozy log cabins that speak the softest parts of the human soul? It takes BRASS BALLS.

I like drinking a nice cup of hot coffee while I paint. You want coffee? Too bad. Coffee is for painters, not nothings like you. Put that coffee down, you think I’m fucking with you? I’m just kidding, you can have a cup too. It’ll be our little secret.

Read 3 remaining paragraphs | Comments

Since the beginning of time, bullshit, flowery overgeneralization with at least one thesaurus’d vocabulary word. In addition, irrelevant and misleading personal anecdote. However, oversimplification of first Googled author (citation: p. 37). Thesis statement which doesn’t follow whatsoever from the previous.

Utterly contrived topic sentence revealing pretty much every flaw of structured essay writing. Therefore, supporting sentence invoking source that exists only in the bibliographies of other cited material (pp. arbitrary to arbitrary + 5). Contemplative question? Definitive refutation paraphrased from a blog found at 2AM:

“Massive block text to lend legitimacy to this sorry endeavor.”
— Legitimate-sounding Anglo Saxon name (year between 1859 and 1967)

Obviously, non-sequitur segue. Utter misinterpretation of the only other author researched for this paper. Blind search for evidence reflecting increasing desperation (authors 4, 5, and 6). Moreover, loose observation to try to force coherence. Indeed, an attempt at humor!

Hence, statement violating every principle of syllogism followed by unnecessary semi-colon; forgettable punch line. Open-ended question undoing what little intellectual progress has been made? Filler sentence, which breaks entire flow of argument, specifically designed with maximum complexity in mind so as to solve lingering word minimum concerns.

Unconvincing conclusion statement. Empty belief that prompt has been answered sufficiently and requires no further investigation by anyone, ever. Last sentence, which consumed approximately 95% of the total mental effort dedicated—still reads clunky.

Geoffrey Fowler and Joanna Stern:

Now the latest version of Apple’s iPhone software, iOS 8, adds a layer of smarts on top of autocorrect called QuickType, predictive typing of a sort previously found on Android. Not only does it suggest spelling, it also suggests words you might want to type next. If you keep following its train of robotic thought, QuickType will form entire sentences on your behalf.

The result is so goofy that it is brilliant. For the last week, we — your WSJ personal technology columnists — have been conducting serious tests of the new iPhones and iOS 8, while also holding nonsensical auto-generated conversations with each other.

During Apple's keynote announcement, the company announced plans to provide U2's new album, "Songs of Innocence," to all iTunes customers for free. Rather than letting customers choose to download the album on their own, however, Apple pushed it to iTunes accounts, causing some devices to automatically download the album without explicit user permission.

The move upset users who did not want to have U2's album listed on their devices, which has now prompted Apple to create a process for removing the album from user's devices. According to Apple spokesperson Tom Neumayr, who gave a statement to Re/code, customers were asking Apple how to delete the album after it was distributed, which has led Apple to create both a tool and a support document that outlines the process for removing the album from iCloud.

Here's Apple spokesman Tom Neumayr's explanation: "Some customers asked for the ability to delete 'Songs of Innocence' from their library, so we set up http://www.itunes.com/soi-remove to let them easily do so. Any customer that needs additional help should contact AppleCare."

To remove the U2 album, users are directed to Apple's new removal tool that will automatically remove the U2 album from an account after signing in with an Apple ID and password.

Apple warns that once the album has been removed from an iTunes account that it will no longer be available as a previously purchased album. Users have until October 13, 2014 to manually reinstall the album for free.

Good tip from Kirk McElhearn. Me, I like U2. But I didn’t know you could manage your Recent Purchases list like this.

submitted by LOTRcrr
[link] [159 comments]

Apple is facing criticism from alternative rock band OK Go following the release of its promotional video, "Perspective," that promotes the company's philosophy of "seeing things differently." Showcased as the introduction to Apple's Phone 6 press event, the video pans around a room, using camera angles to align random shapes into words. OK Go is accusing Apple of lifting this visual trick from the band's recently released "The Writing's On the Wall" music video.


While the general concept used in the videos is not unique, there does appear to be more to this story. Speaking to Bloomberg Businessweek, OK Go manager Andy Gershon claims the band met with Apple to discuss the concept for its music video in hopes that Apple would collaborate on the project. Apple declined, and OK Go made the video along with production company 1stAveMachine. Released in June 2014, the video won a Video Music Award for best visual effects and has accrued over 10 million views on YouTube.


Following the talks between Apple and OK Go, Gershon claims Apple also hired 1stAveMachine and even employed the same director that worked with OK Go on its hit music video to produce the video for the company's iPhone launch event. As a result, Apple's latest promotional video has an uncanny similarity to OK Go's "The Writing's On the Wall".

“The videos speak for themselves and you can draw your own conclusions,” says Gershon, adding that the band is exploring its legal options.

OK Go may have a hard time proving a copyright violation or idea theft in court, but that isn't stopping them from complaining publicly about the perceived injustice. This isn't the first time Apple's advertising efforts have face scrutiny. In one high-profile case, the company faced a complaint over its Siri commercials that showcased an ease-of-use which the lawsuit claimed was not present in real-world usage.

Following today's announcements of the iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus and Apple Watch, Apple has removed the iPod classic from its online store. The last iPod classic was introduced in September 2009, and while a number of rumors have pointed to a discontinuation of the product, Apple still chose to sell it in silver and black color options at $249 for a number of years.


Earlier this year, CEO Tim Cook was quoted as saying that the iPod was a "declining business." In May, Apple removed the sidebar link to the iPod classic in several of its online refurbished stores, leaving only the iPod nano and iPod touch.

The iPod was Apple's "halo" product for years, introducing many consumers to Apple's line of products. Since their peak in 2008 however, iPod sales have declined sharply as the iPhone and iPad have captured more of the market.

Read Part 1 here.

Part 2:
In All the Towns . . .

In the eighth grade I took, and passed, the test to get into Brainiac High. In addition to kids like me (escapees from various parochial schools), there were a handful of certifiable brainiacs, a couple of whom lived in the same union-financed Mitchell Lama Housing project as I did. I thought of them as the Brainiac Boys (BBa & BBb) in homage to the felonious Beagle Boys of Uncle Scrooge. One day after school, the weather being inhospitable for two-hand touch, I headed over to BBb’s pad. The BBoys had just that weekend gone to the Festival Theater, on 57th over by the Plaza, to view The Easy Life (Il Sorpasso), it having gotten Bosley Crowther’s middle-brow seal of approval in the paper of record: This unpretentious focus on “The Easy Life” results in compassionate and memorable drama. Both BBa and BBb waxed rhapsodic, BBb going as far as to pronounce it the greatest film ever made.

Holy shit, I thought, I have to check this shit out for myself. So the following Saturday, après synagogue, I walked my ass over to the Festival, plunked down my buck fifty, got my ticket, and watched The Easy Life for myself. The first hurdle was the subtitles—I had to read words on the bottom of the screen while action was going on all over the screen, in order to follow the story I was having such a hard time with because I kept having to dart my eyes down to the subtitles to understand what the fuckers were saying as they were doing the things I kept missing because I was reading what they were saying. I didn’t like having to work this hard just to follow a narrative. About a third of the way in I worked out a way of reading and watching simultaneously, which, while not perfect, allowed me to sort of follow what was going on. That’s when the bigger problem set in. Once I was following the action, I began to think This shit’s kinda boring, kinda dumb. There was an Older Guy in a sports car; he picks up this Younger Guy, a bookworm, studying to be a lawyer, convinces him to take a ride in the cool sports car he’s tooling around in. When Younger Guy agrees, big fucking mistake alarms started sounding in my sub-brainiac cerebral cortex. They go on a series of adventures. Young Guy is getting more and more into the easy life, until finally, in the end, he goads Older Guy into taking a dangerous mountain curve much too fast and before you can say tragic inevitability, the car is at the bottom of the mountain, wrecked, Young Guy is dead, while Older Guy, fortunately thrown from the nascent crash, gets away with a few minor bruises and scratches.

Because I thought the BBoys were intellectually infallible, I wondered what I had missed. What I had seen was definitely not the greatest movie ever made; it wasn’t even half as good as Kiss Me Deadly; not nearly as thought-provoking as Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Maybe the film’s being European had something to do with it. The received wisdom of the day was that Europeans were in every way more sophisticated than us primitive Amurricans. Perhaps The Easy Life was an example of that and my reaction proof of that wisdom. (We call it movies; they call it Cinema.) I rejected that. After all, I was a kid charged with never forgetting. And what was I never to forget? The six million. What, you say? The six million the Nazis slaughtered, I respond. And where did this slaughter occur? In FUCKING EUROPE. There was no way this kid was going to buy into the notion that Europeans were a priori better than us when the only thing I thought they were better at was killing Jews. So if The Easy Life was inferior to the movies in my pantheon, and if being European earned it no freebie style points, I was left with the uncomfortable realization, radical as it might seem, that the BBoys, when it came to movies at least, had neither the sense nor sensibility possessed by me, their intellectual inferior in most every other way. I vowed never to go to see a furrin film again.

One evening three years later I broke my vow (vo denn?) I took myself to the inaugural offering of my college film society, a screening of Andrzej Wajda’s profoundly depressing, relentlessly bleak masterwork, Kanal. The place was packed. I had decided to give foreign movies another chance.

The theater darkened, the crowd quieted, and then nothing. We waited . . . and waited . . . and waited. Still nothing. Soon there was whistling, barking, kids yelling for the movie to begin. And at that moment the Dybbuk took a hold of me, prodding me to add my voice to the mix. I screamed hysterically, in the worst imaginable South Asian accent, a number of times, Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo!

The method to this madness derived from Gunga Din, the most interesting character in which is the Guru (Eduardo Cianelli), spiritual leader of the Thuggee, Hindu antecedents to today’s Taliban. When first we see him he stands on an altar haranguing his congregation of killers. He finishes with a stirring benediction of death, urging his multitude to Rise and kill, kill as you will be killed yourself, kill for the love of killing, kill for the love of Kali, kill, kill kill!

The cultists capture Cary Grant, and then Victor MacLaglen and Douglas Fairbanks Jr. are caught trying to free him. At movie’s end, with the Thuggee set to ambush the approaching British regiment, the three grenadiers turn the tables and take the Guru hostage. The Guru realizes his followers will not proceed with the attack because it might endanger his life, so he escapes our heroes’ clutches; he winds up standing on the lip of a viper pit, speechifying, urging his followers to attack. His son, and second in command, watches, mute and horrified. In my memory (and to this day I can still hear it), spawn begs seed not to do it; he screams, Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo! as Pops leaps to a horrible death.¹

Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo! was for me, then as it is now, the bon-est of mots, appropriate for any high-angst sitch: when a jumper stands at the edge of a building — Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo! When you just know the QB is about to toss the game-ending interception — Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo! And when that dummkopf just has to look in the basement or the closet to find out what that noise was — Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo!

So is it any wonder it seemed the perfect thing to scream into that vortex of dysphoria swirling through the crowded, darkened theater? Nor should it come as any surprise that my cry was not received and reacted to in the way I would have hoped.

When the projector finally started up, I sank into my chair and escaped into the movie. Holy crap what a bummer, but in a good way. It follows a group of Polish resistance fighters also trying to escape, but they’re not dealing with casual contempt, they’re dealing with Nazis, and their route to freedom is through the sewers of Warsaw. Some get lost, others get wounded, some go mad. Of the three remaining, one kills his mate for lying, then wanders off to find someone to fight with, while the loner, thinking he has crossed the river into safety, rises up out of the shit and into the sun. When his momentary blindness subsides he finds himself facing a German patrol standing over the bodies of partisans they have just executed.

After nearly two hours of this hellish, shit-stained journey and its climax in despair and death, the credits rolled, the lights came on, and I found myself returned to my own hellish journey, hunkered down in the midst of a crowd that considered me a nerdacious doofus who, if he had had half a brain, would have taken his own advice — Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo!

As I slouched in my seat waiting for the coast to clear so’s I could split, this guy comes over, big grin, says, Gunga Din, not a question, a statement of fact.

Yeah. Too bad they didn’t get it.

I got it.

Cool.

He would become My Friend the Film Critic.

As we slapped skins that night, I misquoted in my mind the last line of Casablanca: This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Part 3:
In All the World . . .

I was asleep, dreaming. A movie. A Polish-Mexican coproduction: Shtetl Lassie Contra Los Zombies Nazis. ²

FADE IN ON:

INT. SEWER — TIME DOES NOT EXIST

Down in the dung. ARTEK and ROBEK, 20s, tattered, shit-stained, stumble along trailed by a dog, SUKA. _Artek carries an outsized framed painting.

In the BG — DOGS BARKING, MEN running.

ARTEK
Robek, we’re going to die! We’re going to die!

ROBEK
We will if you don’t drop that painting, Artek. What’s it supposed to be anyway?

ARTEK
(dreamy)
I call it Voyage to the Hell Planet.

The NOISES grow LOUDER; the hunters are closing in.

ROBEK
Where do you think we are right now? . . . What good’s art if you’re dead?

ARTEK
Why live if I can’t have my art?

NAZIS and HELL HOUNDS round a corner. SUKA turns, faces them and

SFX: morphs into CERBEUS, mythic three-headed guard dog of the underworld. As he attacks, ARTEK and ROBEK climb toward the light.

TIME CUT — MOMENTS LATER

Carnage. Bodies litter the sewer. Victorious, blood-soaked Cerberus becomes Suka again; he HOWLS, a keening wail filled with centuries of diaspora and despair.

FADE TO:

FATHOMLESS LIQUID BLACKNESS; A JUMBLE OF SOUNDS

Black turns to gray; shapes form; SOUNDS clarify: A RACING ENGINE, TIRES SQUEALING, A PLAINTIVE KEENING.

A beat and we’re focused, viewing from

INT. VAN — MY POV — NIGHT, MOVING

Tight on A TERRIFIED, WHIMPERING DOG, MUTT. It moves to reveal MY FRIEND THE CARTOONIST, 20s, way beyond fear, herky-jerking the wheel: 9 to 3 to 9, faster, faster. But he can’t steady the van.

MFC
I’ve lost control!!

ME
(douchey cool)
Tell me something I don’t know.

Only then did I look out the windshield, the road pitch black except for the glow of our headlights, by which I could see the van slaloming down Route 80, five miles outside Ogallala, Nebraska, doing seventy, picking up speed. And yet time seemed to slow down. This was a familiar sensation, and it was not good — not good at all. I knew this was not going to end well.

I had a perfect view of the accident as it unfolded. I had no time to develop a proper sense of terror because in the nanosecond following the awareness of impending doom, doom fucking dropped. The van vibrated, swayed, swinging from side to side. Suddenly we were skiing, careening down the interstate on just two wheels. Then we were airborne, crashing down to earth the split second after liftoff. The van began rolling, over and over. During the first revolution the windshield flew off and we were showered by sparks shooting into the cab, the result of high-speed steel scraping blacktop. There was yowling, screaming, and the giggling unto death as we rolled and tumbled, tumbled and rolled, like we were being spun inside a giant commercial clothes dryer. Then, as suddenly as it began, it ended. We rolled to a halt, upright no less, on the grassy median between the east and west lanes.

It took a couple of seconds before our processors came back on line and we cycled through a series of emotions at Mach 3: shock, disbelief, relief, and finally elation. A light shoulder check to the door and it opened, the grating of metal against metal the perfect post-crash sound effect. We ejected ourselves from the pod of death as if propelled by rockets in our asses.

After a momentary celebratory spazz dance, my friend noticed his art supplies erupting out of the van’s gaping rear doors. He went from joy to frantic in a nonce, commenced desperately collecting inks, markers, pads, and windblown drawings, spouting all the while an agitated and mournful monologue that made him sound like the Mad Hatter in meltdown; he was in such a tizzy, running, jumping, rolling after his pens and papers, that the first-responding highway patrolman added his high-powered flashlight to the search, the both of them on their knees, rooting about in the frozen grass of the median trying to recover the tops to Magic Markers (lest they dry out), locate tiny, treasured, luxe bottles of Doctor Martin’s Bombay inks. Meanwhile Mutt, my friend’s self-referentially named dog, ran in circles howling, trying to recover his tantalizing tail, which managed always to remain ever so slightly out of reach.

Maybe it was the near-death experience, maybe I had a minor concussion from the repeated pounding of head against metal as we did our rollover on the freeway, or maybe it was the realization that surviving put the lie to my belief that if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all. Whatever the cause, I watched this recovery effort without contempt, ironic distancing, or nihilist rejection; instead saw it as a noble act of self-affirmation. While it was true that My Friend the Cartoonist was doing the funky-chicken-without-a-head dance, what was important was why he was doing it. He had envisioned something, transferred it from noumena to phenomena using pen, paper, ink, and took such pride in what he had created that he was frantically chasing down both the means of production and the windblown work itself. He was an intellectual cowboy (the mind boggles!³ ) rounding up his strays along the Nebraska interstate on the great plains of the heimat in the freezing cold, sans jacket, having just survived a crash that in the real world could have had a happy ending only for the stunt double of an A-list actor at the crashemonium climax of a franchise action movie — Mission Impossible V: Lust for Life.

Now how cool was that?

¹ Or so I imagined. Turns out spawn of Goo-Roo never says Don’t jump in the snakepit, Goo-Roo. He just sort of minges and whines and screams when Dad jumps into the nest of vipers.

² In homage to the loopy (Velez) titles of Lucha Libre Mexican films starring Santo, the masked wrestler, as in Santo contra los Momias de Guanajuato or Santo contra los Asesinos de Otros Mundos.

³ The Thing from Another World pits a flock of eggheads at the North Pole, led by the humorless, Nobel Prize–winning, Lenin lookalike Dr. Carrington against a shrewdness of flyboys tasked with resupplying them. The conflict is what to do with the flash-frozen alien in the ice that the boys recovered after they blew up its flying saucer, crashed and buried in the perma-ice, with thermite bombs. The brainiacs want to thaw the Thing out and study it, but the army’s stalwart Captain Hendry puts everything on ice awaiting orders from HQ. Meanwhile the Thing is stowed in a cold room and guarded by crew members. But before you could say What possessed you to place an electric blanket over a block of ice? the creature has thawed and escaped, battling a kennel of sled dogs and losing an arm in the process. When they get the arm under the microscope, the test tube jockeys discover that it’s made up of what seems to be vegetable matter, prompting this exchange: Scotty the Newsman: It sounds like, well, just as though you’re describing some form of super carrot. Carrington: This carrot, as you call it, has constructed an aircraft capable of flying some millions of miles through space, propelled by a force as yet unknown to us. Scotty: An intellectual carrot. The mind boggles!

“Total Eclipse of Descartes”

“Don’t You (Foucault About Me)”

“U Kant Touch This”

“Hit Me Baby Wittgenstein”

“Camus Feel the Love Tonight?”

“Get the Party Sartred”

“Forever Jung”

“I Kissed Hegel (And I Liked It)”

“Ain’t No Montaigne High Enough”

“Pop, Locke & Drop It”

“Bataille Will Always Love You”

“My Milkshake Brings All the Baudrillard”

“Rousseau Vain (You Probably Think This Song is About You)”

“Love Voltaire Us Apart”

“Psycho Schiller”

These two won a lot of games.

It's still just a game.

Just saw this from a few months back.

Yup.

The New Meryl Streep Movie That Will Get Her Nominated

That Preview You Saw Where That Guy From That Show Cries and Tries to Act

The One No One on Earth But the Studio Marketing Team Thinks Will Get Nominated

The Cancer/Aids/Slavery One

Another One Not Directed By a Deserving Female Director

That Book Your Wife Read

Supposed to Be Good But You Know You’ll Never See It

That Foreign Guy With the Unpronounceable Name Everyone Loves Directed This

That Woman You Find Attractive Shows Her Breasts in This But it’s Serious

Everyone Says This is Great But No One Can Tell You What It’s Actually About

Great Inspiring True Story About Someone Who Was Way Uglier Than the Actor Playing Him

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part I

A plan used to be simple: you would agree to meet someone at a certain time and place and then you would meet them there and then. Now, a plan is subject to all sorts of revisions because "cellphones make people flaky as #%@*".

A Plan: Once heralded as a firm commitment to an event in the future, a plan is now largely considered to be a string of noncommittal text messages leading up to a series of potential, though unlikely, events.

A Cellphone: Your primary device for making plans. More specifically, the medium with which most plans are conceived and later altered. It's imperative that you keep your cellphone on your person at all times, as you can expect all plans to dissolve into an amorphous cloud upon conception.

I have experienced this recently and am convinced this is partially a generational thing. If you spent any part of your 20s without a cellphone, the sort of thing described in the video happens a lot less. But this practice is also contagious, as most social behavior is...if you witness friends doing it, over time it becomes more acceptable to do it yourself.

Tags: telephony   video

I’m still reeling from the death of Robin Williams as I write this draft, so I guess my mind drifted to another comic we lost much too young: Mitch Hedberg.

For some reason, it took me awhile to appreciate Hedberg, but once I tuned in to his unique energy, like so many others, I was hooked. That man was a one-liner factory and a comic treasure: an utterly unique artist who was an expert in making people happy—and making them look at stuff they take for granted in new ways.

Hedberg was a master of questioning everyday things and finding or creating a story about them, usually an absurd one: “I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn’t have one, so I got a cake.” I can never see a certain hotel without thinking of this joke: “I can’t tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.” Some of his jokes have a mathematical precision, like this one, which should be part of the kindergarten curriculum: “I like Kit Kats unless I’m with four or more people.” His comparisons are unforgettable: “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy…all day.” We’ve all heard that alcoholism is a disease, but only Hedberg thought to notice: “…it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.” That should be in the DSM-V.

Hedberg’s demeanor was half his charm, or maybe more than half. So many comics, especially male comics, take residence somewhere in the neighborhood of Asshole City. If you can sit through more than three male comedians at an open mic, your stamina surpasses mine. Hedberg, on the other hand, delivered his jokes with a smile and a bounce, like a hippie elf from Mars who is simply delighted with our weird world of candles and hotels and turtlenecks. When he said, “I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others,” it’s not a mean guy making fun of dumb hair treatments. It’s that hippie Martian elf celebrating the silliness of every damn thing we do.

Writing-wise, Hedberg is most like Steven Wright, who also has an unusual delivery, but one that is pitch black rather than tie-dyed. I wish we could pluck Hedberg out of the space-time continuum and ask him to deliver Wright’s jokes, then ask Wright to deliver Hedberg’s jokes. How much would hit and how much would miss? What would Wright’s gravel do to Hedberg’s lunacy? What would Hedberg’s gleam do to Wright’s lunacy? At the very least, someone should make a Hedberg/Wright comic book. Hey, Archie Andrews once teamed up with the Punisher, so why not?

Anyway, for Hedberg’s Best Joke Ever, I have to go with his escalator joke, which is:

“I like escalators, because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator temporarily out of order” sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

The beauty of this joke is that it sticks with you forever, objectively making your life better. Once you’ve heard the joke, I defy you to see a broken escalator and not think of it. This is an accomplishment: to write and tell a joke that can get in people’s heads and cheer them up during one of life’s annoying little moments.

I’m far from the first to compare Hedberg’s jokes to Zen koans, but they really are similar in form, and they can serve a similar purpose. As I understand it, a koan is a meditation tool designed to get your mind out of a logical place and wake you up to the world around you. Hedberg’s jokes do the same: I feel like they make my brain work better. They pierce through my daily haze of annoyance with little nuggets of delight. I wish to hell Hedberg had resisted the drugs that killed him, but his jokes are like the best drug ever invented. Maybe laughter really is the best medicine.

“When one man, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, he has no right to keep it to himself”

Jacques-Yves Cousteau.

Robert McMillan, reporting for Wired:

A year ago, Tom Landesman — who works for security and anti-spam company Cloudmark — had never seen an iMessage spam. But he and his company now say that, thanks to one particularly aggressive campaign from a junk mailer, it accounts for more than 30 percent of all mobile spam messages.

These kinds of spam campaigns come and go. Cloudmark spotted its first one late last year, when the scammers were flogging imitation designer handbags. Lately, the spammers have been pushing deals on knock-off Ray-Ban and Oakley sunglasses. […]

“It’s almost like a spammer’s dream,” says Landesman. “With four lines of code, using Apple scripts, you can tell your Mac machine to send message to whoever they want.”

I think the headline is hyperbole, but I have gotten two iMessage spams this month, both of them hawking those knock-off Ray-Bans. I just went ahead and reported them to Apple.