danipretto

This is a video from Audi of two R4 Avants outfitted with hood-mounted paintball guns and cameras, dueling it out in a warehouse. It looks like fun and I'm more than a little disappointed they didn't ask me to participate. Plus if I was about to lose I would just ditch the paintball gun and turn the battle into a demolition derby. I'm a poor sport. Hit the jump for the video.

by Andrew Morrison | Led by principal Lilliana L. De Cotiis, the team behind Coal Harbour’s Tableau Bar Bistro – executive chef Marc-Andre Choquette, chef Tret Jordan, lead bartender J.S. Dupuis and manager Steven Wright – are opening a second restaurant, this time in Yaletown in the ancient Homer Cafe classic diner location (just across the street from Subeez).

When I say “ancient”, I’m talking in Vancouver years. The Homer Building at Smithe & Homer celebrates its 100th birthday in 2013, which is to say that it’s old enough for a history that stretches back beyond the Homer Cafe, with its famous pair of eggs with sausages and toast for $3.95. Prior to the humble Homer, it was the Stratos Cafe, and before that it was Rose’s Coffee Shop. Before that it was Pauline’s Cafe, and before that it was the Smithe Coffee Bar. Peel the layers back past the 1950′s and you’ll find a Japanese candy store, a cleaners, a grocery, a barber shop, and so on. It was always a community hub of some sort. You can see it in its bones.

Fast forward to the Fall of 2008, when The Homer underwent the knife. The major facelift, retrofit and rebrand was completed in the Fall of 2011 (you might remember the aged facade braced in glossy developer wrap marketing the place as “Yaletown’s last opportunity”). It’s now called The Beasley after former city planner Larry Beasley, and exists as the heritage foot forward and namesake of a brand new neighbouring 33 storey condo tower. To my knowledge, the only facet of the new development that has yet to be completed is the restaurant space, which was leased this past Fall.

De Cotiis et al have yet to reveal the name of the restaurant, which is slated to open at some point this summer. The food concept is also being kept a secret. For now all I can say is that it won’t be another Tableau Bar Bistro, which is fine by me. However much I might love that restaurant (and boy, do I ever), it’s important to remember that Marc-Andre Choquette is one of the best chefs in western Canada (Rob Feenie’s right hand man at Lumiere during its prime), one whose range is hardly tested by the classic French bistro milieu of moules and steak frites. It would be awesome if he let loose on a different, more innovative tack. But beggars can’t be choosers. At this early stage only one thing is for certain: whatever Choquette cooks, I’ll want to try it.

ALL ANTICIPATED OPENINGS

Every dreamt of galloping through the meadows wearing a pair of whimsical unicorn hooves? Join the club! We meet on Wednesdays at dusk in the mystical forest. Unfortunately we just stand around and talk about how cool it would be — UNTIL NOW. Etsy seller Oonacat makes these amazing Unicorn Hooves. They’re completely customizable so you can adequately express your inner unicorn. Me? Well, my inner unicorn is slightly overweight. Plus, my horn is a little off center. Not to mention the wonky eye! Okay, you’re right: both wonky eyes. Neither of those baby blues are peeping atcha! It’s all part of my charm. And by “my charm” I mean “why mobs of villagers chase after me with torches and pitchforks.” Come at me bros! Jk jk, I’m out of breath. Time out! I need a time out.

Thanks to E for the tip! Between you and me, I think she might actually be a unicorn IRL.

In heartwarming news, the infamous 'world's worst portrait tattoo' has been fixed free of charge by tattoo artist Scott Versago of Empire Ink in Akron, Ohio. Unfortunately, like most things you laugh at on the internet, there was some real sadness behind the story.

I got to tackle the official "#1 worst portrait tattoo in the world" today. I'm sure you've all seen it a million times online, as had I. I couldn't believe my eyes when this guy walked in and showed me this project. I think my jaw literally hit the floor. He went on to tell me the story behind the portrait; He had just married his beautiful wife and not even three months afterwards she was killed in a horrible house fire accident leaving him to raise their three children alone. Shortly after he went to a local tattoo studio to memorialize his wife and was left with this abomination. He later returned to that studio for one more session, thinking that perhaps "he had done something wrong in the healing of the tattoo" and they butchered it even more the second time. Finally, he drove all the way to my studio, Empire Ink, just to meet me and to see what his options were. Touched by his story, I gifted the entire project to him for free. Now he has closure and I have an amazing story to add to my portfolio!

Good lookin', Scott. I can't believe that guy walked around with that thing the way it was for so long. Hell, if I'd known the back story I would have organized some sort of "fix the tattoo and sue the artist" fund myself. I'm just happy it's over. Now let's all take a moment to be thankful that when we all got black-out drunk and went to the tattoo parlor, we didn't get anybody's face. Thanks to Groman, who told me he got a tattoo he regrets but wouldn't say what or where. Okay now I have to know.

These are Pizza Pancakes. They’re created by some genius who goes by the name of Stephanie Parker. These particular PP (Pizza Pancakes) are loaded with cheese, pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, with pizza sauce poured on top. Yes please! Pizza Pancakes totally sound like a DCT (Dream Come True) and THEY ARE (a dream come true). They sure beat the hell out of Bagel Bites, do they not? No. The answer is no. But still! Pizza Pancakes totally works with the jingle! ♫ Pizza in the mornin’, pizza in the evenin’, pizza at suppah tiiiime, when pizza’s on a pancake, you can have pizza anytiiiime ♫  Man, can you believe that? They rhymed the word ‘time’ with the word ‘time.” Yeeesh. AMATEURS!

The Beer Barrel Bedroom is a rentable room in Ostbevern, Germany. The best part of the place is the 19th-century beer barrel which was used for brewing until 1995, but now it serves a bed that fits up to 2 humans. Well, I’m assuming 2 grown humans, or probably like 1 grown human and 2 smaller humans, 3 medium sized humans if they lay diagonally, or a single sasquatch. Poor Sasquatch — forever alone! Admittedly, I’m already prone to passing out in a drunken stupor. Might as well pass out inside of a beer barrel after a night of boozing. Either way I’m gonna wake up smelling of stale beer!

Hey, that’s not my personal philosophy, it’s a tagline for new Fresh + Sexy “intimate wipes.” For the guy version? “A polished knob always gets more turns.” Ah, just like the Mad Men days of marketing. The wipes, which contain aloe and chamomile, are intended to help ladies and gents freshen up their special parts before getting in some spontaneous sexy time. My mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case of an accident. Now there are these. Things sure have changed.

This is a line of action figures featuring seven different presidents as the monsters from Universal's iconic horror films (plus a zombie George Bush for good measure). Each figure is guaranteed to fail to capture the imagination of today's youth and cost between $25-$30. Except Baracula. Baracula is only available by ordering the entire 7-president set for $175. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Unless your guess is some sort of insane Illuminati-related conspiracy theory, in which case you guess was way, WAY better. Hit the jump to see the rest in their packaging as well as a shot of them all together at a party. No -- a MONSTER BASH.

Because this is the sad, sad world we live in, here's a $45 iPad Pedestal Stand from CTA Digital. It combines the ass-wiping practicality of a toilet paper holder with the entertainment-while-you-strain-on-the-john accessibility of an iPad. Now I know 100% of the population uses their phones and tablets on the shitter, but this is like, admitting it. That makes it worse in my mind. Let me be real with you for a minute: I spend more time in the bathroom in a day than four normal people, and that's just the truth. It's my Fortress of Solitude. And, despite my 3-4 hour/day habit, there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm buying a $45 combo toilet paper/iPad stand. "Only because you don't have an iPad." I want one so bad! Thanks to chichi, who doesn't even use the bathroom. She just closes the door and splashes some water around in there to pretend she's like everybody else.

Honestly, how good can an iPhone case be if doesn't have a cup holder? Mad shitty at best, right? Enter the UpperCup, an iPhone case that promises to remedy that. Like the ramen soup bowl iPhone holder, the UpperCup is part of a growing trend to get hot liquids as close as possible to your phone. Unfortunately, the UpperCup is just an Indiegogo project at the moment, so you're going to have to donate and pray nightly that other people are going to donate too if you want one. A real shame, I know. Which is why I just duct-taped my phone to a Starbucks cup. $400 says I throw it away when I'm done with the coffee. Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the game changer.

Remember the first 'Push to Add Drama' ad made by TNT? Well here's a new one from Holland that's even crazier than the first. It's got everything: sniper fire, kidnapping, explosions, naked dudes running around, you name it. "Zoo animals?" No zoo animals. "Boat chase?" No boat chase. "Why don't they ever make these in the US?" Good question. 1) Some patriot with a real gun would try to be a hero or 2) all the witnesses would sue for emotional damages. "True." I'm on the phone with my lawyer right now because the music they used almost gave me a panic attack. Hit the jump for the commercial.

Note: My brain has been sludge while I've been sick so I apologize for sucking so hard the past week but with the help of modern medicine (in the form of sketchy meds I ordered from an online Canadian pharmacy) I should be back to my normal, only moderately less sucky self by tomorrow. This is a 3-D GIF created by artist Billy Allison of Mario and Link joining forces to Bullet Bill the Majora's Mask moon in the face a la Georges Méliès' 1902 classic 'A Trip To The Moon'. I could just stare at it all day. And I would too if it didn't just make me puke. Cough medicine: it's even worse coming back up. It seriously looks like an alien just exploded on my couch. Thanks to carey, who agrees Majora's Mask was awesome and should also be made in HD like they're doing to Wind Waker. Ooh -- and ported to other consoles.

This is a fancy wooden NES controller coffee table built by the folks at the Bohemian Workbench (who previously built this one). It's made with a bunch of exotic woods, is Wii compatible, comes with a zapper, and costs $7,200. *coughing up blood* That's a lot of money. "Wait -- let's go back to you coughing up blood." I shouldn't have drank it.

Coffee designed after the Nintendo controller from 1985. This functional model is made from premium grade curly maple, birdseye maple, African bubinga, and mahogany and is compatible with the Nintendo Wii. It features dovetail joinery and midcentury modern legs. Also included in a side mounted custom bison holster is a zapper, handmade from bubinga and maple. The zapper functions as a Wii controller while selecting the classic Nintendo on the Wii menu. The zapper also vibrates and has a speaker to replicate the feel and sound of the original Wii controller. The table functions wirelessly and the gun and mount can be easily removed if desired. A glass top and bubinga feet are included for use as table.

If $7,200 is a little out of your NES controller coffee table budget, they also sell a couple other more basic wooden models, as well as plastic ones for as low as $1,950. "Um, GW? My NES controller coffee table budget is $0." Same here -- high-five! "Did you just touch my butt." Yes, but only because I was stealing your wallet. Now my budget is...$12. Hit the jump for shots from all angles.

This is allegedly a video of Japan setting the Guinness World Record for the most mascots dancing at one time. As you can see, everybody's favorites showed up for the record-breaking attempt, including, uh, that McDonald's Hamburger headed dude's girlfriend, Pedobear on drugs and in disguise, and...fine, I don't know who any of these characters are. Also, despite three years of high school Spanish I never picked up any Japanese so I couldn't read the subtitles in the video. This could be a clip from a mascot prison exercise program for all I know. Hit the jump for the video.

When I found something that actually fit:

Here’s something awesome: an initiative by a local bus driver wherein we are all encouraged to wear name tags on February 8th in order that we become a little more friendly and say hello to each other! The full details are below but there’s not much more to it than that. Amazing.

THE OFFICIAL WORD:

Say Hi Vancouver is a simple idea. Wear a name tag and say hello! Why? We see the same people everyday… in the coffee shop, on transit, at work, even in our own neighborhoods… and we have little or no connection to most of them. We live our lives beside each other, an invisible barrier separating us – subtle yet powerful.

A simple name tag can break through this barrier, giving permission to Say Hi! Even if for just one day it will be worth it! We’ll never see those people the same way again… suddenly they become someone we can say hello to, name tag or not. Imagine the possibilities!!!

Don’t have a name tag? Use a sticky label, cut a square of paper and pin it to your shirt, use a grease pencil and write it on your cheek… be creative and have fun with it!!

Like them on FACEBOOK and follow on TWITTER, and be sure to say HI!

Listen: you just have to watch his thing to believe it. It starts off kind of slow though, so skip to around 1:08 for it to really get going. They do all sorts of crazy tricks like flips, rail-slides, swinging the pogo stick around over their heads mid-jump -- all kinds of crazy shit. It seriously raised my respect for pogo-sticking to all new heights. "What was it before?" The same as yours, zero. "And now?" How high does the scale go? "Let's say ten." Hmm, then now it's about an eight. A sideways eight. Like this: ∞. "So infinity?" AND BEYOOOOOOOND! (I just took a whole handful of pet meds) Hit the jump and have your mime BLOWN (or at least pretending like he's getting a HJ).

Just like a Phoenix, but waaaaaay less badass. Hey -- you ever wanted to be a tree? Well now you can (provided you're dead) thanks to the $225 Spiritree, a biodegradable urn that feeds a tree planted in the middle WITH YOUR BURNT-ASS REMAINS. I can't wait to be a mighty oak! "GW? Your ashes will probably be so toxic you'd kill the tree." Haha, I will kill all plant life within two square miles. Thanks to lilco, who wants to be shot into the sun. Well obviously that's my first choice too.

The last thing he ever saw coming. In "that's how I want to go too" news, a 51-year old Washington woman (fine, but I want killer to be younger) has been arrested after allegedly drunkenly smothering her boyfriend to death with her big ol' knockers in the back of their mobile home. Just let all that sink in for a minute.

Kiro 7 reports that witnesses claims they saw Lange throw her boyfriend down in the back of the mobile home. She was later found by witnesses with her chest covering the victim's face. Police noted the size difference between Lange and her boyfriend -- she was 5-feet, 6-inches and 192 pounds, he was 5-feet, 7-inches and 175 pounds. Other women around the world are known to have allegedly used their breasts as weapons. In November, German lawyer Tim Schmidt claimed his girlfriend tried to smother him with her 38DD breasts. Schmidt said she pretended it was a sex game, the Daily Mail reported. "I asked her why she wanted to smother me to death with her breasts and she told me: 'Treasure - I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible,'" he said.

Hey, if they really were drunk (and I suspect they were f***ing trashed), maybe they just both passed out during sex in an unfortunate position. That happens. Because one time I walked in on my roommate and he was asleep at his computer chair with his penis in his hand. Porn still blaring. So it can happen. Thanks to Scissorcake, who made his wife promise when he's old and bedridden she finish him off in a similar manner.

Note: I'm not sure if this actually counts as drifting or just donuts but I also don't care, so there's that. This is a video of some guy spinning donuts in two BMW E30's at the same time by getting one going, then jumping out, getting in the other, and spinning that one around the first one. Amazingly, he does it all without running himself over like you were hoping for. "Oh, and you weren't hoping for it?" Nope! "Just admit it." Let's put it this way: if I had just found a magic lamp that man would be on crutches right now. Hit the jump for the one-man stunt spectacular.

And all it takes is a skylight, a doll, some tape, and a ladder. Although you don't even need a ladder if you have a pet dragon or can jump onto the roof from the top of a car parked in your driveway (that's what I do). And if you think I didn't just round up all my little sister's dolls and do this to every window in the house, well, you're seriously overestimating my ability to grow the f*** up and move out of my parent's place. It's spaghetti night! Thanks to my half-buddy Terry, who is into creepy stuff like this which is why I have every intention of hiding in his coat closet like I'm a jacket then jumping out and, God willing, stopping his heart.

The Vaportini is a $35 device used to vaporize alcohol, after which it can be inhaled into the lungs and the effects of intoxication felt much more quickly than traditional oral or buttchugging methods. Obviously, lawmakers are terrified a bunch of kids are going to inhale themselves to death with these things, and rightfully so, because kids are stupid and peer pressure is strong.

Normally, when a drink is taken, alcohol is absorbed 10 percent through the stomach and 85 percent in the small intestine. The presence of food slows this process further, but when alcohol is inhaled, however, alcohol enters the lungs and goes directly into the bloodstream, causing a much more rapid and stronger buzz. The danger of vaporized alcohol entering the bloodstream directly as opposed to the digestive system means that protective impulses - such as vomiting - are bypassed. In fact, it is the swift infusion of alcohol to the brain that makes inhalation more addictive than regular drinking according to scientists.

I dunno, I feel like you're really bypassing the whole social aspect of drinking if you're inhaling it. I mean, who just wants to get drunk and not talk to people in the process? BWAHAHAHAHA! I drink alone in the dark. Hit the jump for two more shots of the fancy crack pipe.

No one wants to be that tourist walking around carrying a map—it’s way too conspicuous. But maybe not quite as conspicuous as walking around wearing a map. These hand silkscreened microfiber tights feature a map of the NYC subway system. The tights don’t seem that convenient for the person wearing them, unless you’re really good at reading upside down, but they’ll make you REALLY popular with random lost tourists. They’d be all like, “Excuse me miss, would you hike up your skirt? I need to get off soon.” and you’d beat them with your purse before you realized they just wanted to see which stop 42 St & Grand Central came after. Oops.

Mini, get it? Because they're Smurfs and Smurfs are small. Seen here looking even dumber than they did in my mind prior to seeing a picture, three of the four teenage Smurfs that were arrested following a crime spree in Australia are seen on a 7-11's security footage. The Smurfs was arrested after trying to hotwire a car. Oh, and beating up a guy who gave one of them a free cigarette but wouldn't light it. Wait -- so he gave you a cigarette, and then you beat him up? Those might be the worst manners I've ever heard of. Thankfully, the blue man group turned themselves in after the security camera footage was released and they realized they were the world's saddest criminals and could probably benefit from a little butt-love in the clink. I hereby sentence you to...death at Gargamel's hand, MWAHAHAHAHA! "Jesus, GW, don't you think that's a little steep?" *looking at picture* No, no I do not. Hit the jump for the security camera footage of them buying energy drinks and scratching their asses.

Here are a couple shots from PornSFW.com, a website that turn NSFW pornographic images and into innocent pics that are safe for work. The result is pretty hilarious. And yet still totally bonerific. I mean, if you’re a 13 year old boy. Or me. I’ve got a pretty sick mind, people. Truth! The things I’m into wouldn’t just make a person blush. They’d make a person judge me REAL hard and probably end up reporting me to the police. It’s happened before. And, if we’re being honest with ourselves, it’ll probably happen again.