I recently swiped my husband’s credit card for an exorbitant amount. It was sale season and I could not resist myself. This was my first time, and he has revoked all my privileges. I am very upset; is he going to behave like this all the time? He didn’t even appreciate any of my purchases. He was never like this when we were dating. I had unlimited access to his wallet. How do I get my old sweetheart back?
Sid: I feel his pain and I am on his side.
Trisha: Tell him unlimited access to his wallet means unlimited access to you. C’mon, that’s only fair. Or else, start using your wallet.
Farhan Akhtar and Vidya Balan, who play Siddharth and Trisha in Shaadi Ke Side/Effects, were playing agony uncle and aunt to real-life couples in a special column in Times of India in Feb 2014 before the release of their movie. The above advice was one of the quick-fix solutions to relationship problems.
While I would like to write about the transition from girl-friend/boy-friend to spouse sometime.What I want to talk about is Money in marriage or issues of money between couples in Marriage. My cousins, colleagues, readers who are recently got married or are planning to get married asked me write about How should a married couple handle finances? I am no expert on money or marriage. What I have written here is what I have seen,read and experienced.
Do we need to talk about Money in Marriage
Marriage, the sacred institution,changes an individual’s life brings a lot of joy and responsibilities. It also comes with adjustments, for both husband and wife, family life, personal life or financial life. What happens if the one blows all the money and the other one believes in saving ? What happens if one of them thinks he(or she) is entitled to a foreign vacation/expensive dates/gifts and the other one thinks must visit his parents once in 6 months/think it is waste? What if one needs to send some money to the family? What if family starts asking about when you are having kid or when you are going to buy car, house, foreign trip? Family can be parents,grandparents,siblings,cousins,friends of cousin, neighbours,aunties hmmmm….well sooner or later you need to talk about Money. Infact in Hindu marriage you make a promise about money during the third phera. From meaning of saath phera’s
In the third step,Prosperity, the couple promises each one to earn and raise wealth by honest means and give comfort to the family. They also vow to share all the joy and sorrow together. The wife promises to be devoted to her husband and the man vows to respect and love his wife as the one and only woman in his life.
Marriage means sharing goals and aspirations as well as assets and liabilities. So, finances too need to be planned out together. For many newly-weds, the honeymoon ends when the bills begin to arrive. “Always talk to your partner about their finances! You don’t want to be surprised!” But how many of us do. Any ways there are so much to plan and talk before marriage the shopping,venue,honeymoon! Differences in money management between spouses often become reasons for fights. In fact, couples fight about money twice as much as they fight about sex, according to a Money Magazine survey. Men and women think differently, communicate differently, and want different things from relationships. Just as there are laws of physics that are general, there are also laws of marriage physics
Marriage and Money : His Hers and Ours
In Earlier times life was simple, husband worked outside, wife took care of the house and kids.People lived in joint family where decision about money were taken by elders. Now the times have changed there are nuclear familie, husband and wife both working often earning similar amount of money. So the question gets complicated as there is my money,your money and then your expenses, my expenses, ours expenses, our investments etc. The answer here is for couples to come together and decide on how to spend their money. Spouses need to maintain the mindset that they are on the same team; otherwise consequences just turn into angry retaliations and war tactics. But if they can maintain the we’re-all-in-this-together attitude, couples can take these steps to navigate the hazards they encounter
Understanding Each Others Money Personality, Money Background
If you are a saver and you are married to a spendthrift, who never saves a rupee, it’s easy to see how that can lead to some serious issues down the road. The interpretation of one person is different from the other. What one sees as waste,other sees as value for money The chances are that the boy and the girl come from very different backgrounds, so there perspective is different. For example I know of someone who would live on Rs. 5,000 a month, and his spouse who can blow Rs. 5000 in one evening. One coming from the background with a mindset that appreciates quantity over quality. Or For instance, one of my friends assumed she and her husband would have separate finances because that’s how her parents handled their money. This was a foreign idea to her husband, whose parents shared everything.( To compromise, they created yours, mine, and ours accounts)
We all come to the marriage with our own little money stories. Try to understand your differences and how to integrate different financial philosophies. Coming up with jointly held values obviously involves some give and take. Make sure you understand each other’s views about earning, spending, saving, investing, and borrowing. Does one of you like to save money, while the other prefers to spend it? Does one feel comfortable with high debt levels, while the other can’t stand the thought of paying interest? It helps to learn about yours and your partner’s financial personality as soon as possible. It is better to know what one considers cheap and what one considers expensive. Also different money issues will be more important at one stage of your marriage than at another. For example before the kids are born you may enjoy going out for parties, vacation but later the focus might move to saving for kids education, marriage.
Financial obligations before and After marriage
From education loans to car loans, credit cards to gambling habits, sister’s marriage, brother’s education most people come to the altar with financial baggage. If one partner has more debt than the other, or worse yet one partner is debt free, the sparks can start to fly when discussions about income, spending, and debt servicing come up. In many marriages, it’s till debts do us part.
Then there is also about family, for marriage is . His parents need a new car. Her brother can’t pay the rent. His sister’s husband lost his job. Now one spouse is giving the money and the other wants to know why that money wasn’t used to address needs right here at home or fund a vacation for US. Well that’s exaggeration but marriage is just not between two people but also two families which may or may not be at at same financial level or have different expectations. For example boy might be sending some money home to his parent or a girl has to support her family. If a girl has to support her family not only the guy she is to marry or married to know but also his parents should know about it. Please talk about them preferably before the marriage and agree to the amount. I have seen and heard about many cases where one of them put the foot down but other sent the money anyways by not telling about the bonus or informing less increment. But if the other family or friend is taking one for a ride , please find a way to open the eyes of the other person.
Spending and Power Play
Many couples have some disagreements over how much money each person is spending, either on themselves or overall. There is peer pressure, parental pressure, and ease of borrowing which may lead to spend syndrome. It may take some time to find a comfort level of spending. The key is to discuss your spending before it becomes a big issue. If spending in any area is perceived to be a problem by either spouse, then both spouses have to talk about it. If one spouse is spending money on something without regard to what the other spouse is spending, then there needs to be a conversation about that item’s perceived value, and agreement about how to limit, balance or offset that expense somewhere else in the overall spending. Keep a limit below which you will not discuss or comment(other than it’s a good buy!) if she buys purse for Rs. 1500 YOU will not say “you just bought one a month ago“. Keep a limit on how much can one spend maximum on an item and on maximum total amount too For example If you like to upgrade mobile every year, which your spouse sees as frivolous then jointly decide on a spending limit that you can agree on. Before you make a sizeable financial decision, you should both agree. But only the two of you can determine what sizeable means.
Power play often occur is situations such as he work and she doesn’t, or he’s unemployed and she’s working, or one spouse earns more than the other, or one family has money and the other doesn’t. When these situations are present, the money earner (or the one who makes the most money) often wants to dictate the spending priorities. Although there may be some rationale behind this idea, it is still important both partners cooperate as a team. My article Oh you are only a housewife! talks about housewife being not given their due are thought of contributing nothing of value but only spending her husband’s money.
Expenses : How to Divide and who will pay
Be very, very careful about how you are going to share the expenses. It does not make sense to say “I will pay the housing EMI you pay the expenses” this hurts in case of a divorce. Sorry, but being ready for the worst makes sense, right? Usually Assets like bank account, Fixed Deposit,Mutual Funds are accounted in the name first holder even for Joint Accounts. For regular household expenses, Tracking expenses for a month or so should give you a good idea from which to craft a cost-sharing plan. For bigger expenses you need to sit and decide, What do you need and how will you fund it: Car, house, washing machine, foreign vacation, ….does not matter what. Will you buy today, on instalment or do you have enough money to buy outright?
Few ways to split expenses each with their own benefits and drawbacks are
-
Divide all expenses 50:50 : Sure, everyone’s paying their fair share, but the person who makes less money in the relationship may be frustrated that they’re paying a higher fraction of their salary.
-
Pay in a ratio according to salaries. If one partner makes Rs 25,000 and the other makes Rs 50,000, then all expenses would be paid in a one to two ratio.
-
The breadwinner pays all. This is a good option if one partner stays home with the kids or has an artistic career with sporadic, unpredictable income.
One of you is prone to be better at day-to-day management of the domestic expenses. It’s better to designate one person as the bill payer, but the other person should be involved and should know what needs to be done and how to do it. Decide who should pay the monthly bills, such as rent or mortgage payments, utilities and credit card bills. With one person paying the bills, there is less chance of missing out deadline.
Children
To have or not to have? That’s usually the first question. To have one or two? If wife is working, will she take a break from work. As Outlook Money article in 1999 on cost for raising a child in India says Little do we realise as we reach for our wallets for that Rs 150, handed over so eagerly for the pregnancy test, that that innocuous bill would soon assume gigantic proportions; it could even balloon to Rs 50 lakh! And that’s for just one child Add inflation How much does a school education for a child costs? In 2011 it was Rs. 94,000 annually for single child as discussed in article Rising Education costs ! Does number seem high then sit down and calculate . Once you have them, you have to care for them in many ways other than being 24 X 7. Food, clothing, shelter,school, extra curricular classes, play station,gadgets, college , marriage are all part of a long list of child-related expenses. And they are our life’s biggest investment Right?
Financial Goals and Investing
You should also agree on your financial goals. Determine what those goals cost and prioritize them. For example, Will you continue for an advanced degree? Do you want to be an entrepreneur? When do you expect to buy a home? What about the big car or foreign vacation or saving for retirement. How much debt you will take, who will pay off loans,how many credit cards you will have? How much insurance, what type of insurance?There are advantages of taking joint loans such as joint housing loan, both of you can get tax exemption and simultaneously build up an asset for you. But Remember even though you are married your credit history is your own, your income tax return is your own(Unlike in US India there are no joint returns in India). Investment should be preferably in joint mode with first holder being the person who is actually putting the money and second holder being in Either or Survivor mode. Keep in mind that in case of holding a joint account, both husband and wife are responsible for monthly loan repayments as well as credit cards payments Both of you will continue to have your own CIBIL report indicating your credit history. If you and your spouse are finding it difficult to agree on your financial goals, you may want to speak to a financial advisor or a neutral person. Our article Joint Ownership talks about joint ownership of Bank Account, Real Estate, Mutual Fund. Joint Bank Account and Joint Home Loan and Tax talk in detail about joint ownership in bank account and home loans. Clubbing of Income talks about when income of wife or child is clubbed with the husband.
The commonly held belief that men should handle the financial planning and investments in the family and the women should take care of the day-to-day finances may not fit every couple. May the best person for the job does it, informing other person and teaching other one.
Evolution of Finances : Be Slow and Steady
Try to figure out what works for both of you and don’t rush into things. After landing from honeymoon don’t start going all for together together . Give joining of your finances time too. Start slow and be steady. Don’t do what you are not comfortable doing . Try to set a money date atleast once a month where you talk (not fight) about money.
Related Articles:
There is no rulebook on how a couple should manage their finances. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Since no two people are alike, some compromise is called for from BOTH THE SIDES . Trust is the building block as in any other aspect of the relationship and that includes trust about money. Communicate with each other on important financial information. Getting married is a big step in your personal life. It is also a big financial step in your financial life Marriages are made in heaven, but its success depends on the people living on earth .Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.
What are your views on money in marriage? How do you handle your joint finances? What has worked for you? How have your finances evolved? What have been your financial mistakes in marriage? Please give your feedback, questions, comments.