i’ve been trying to explain this sketch to people for years
there is literally no way to explain this sketch it’s just a thing you have to see and even then I’m not sure why it’s so funny
I finally understand the meme. But the sketch still makes no sense to me.
- Silent Hill: First Encounters
Most of Yeats' work is crap, but...
W.B. Yeats, The Celtic Twilight
Submitted by Olessia Makliak.
“Thos. Fronesack, 1415 Ashland ave., thrashed unidentified man because he claimed he had more beautiful baby than Fronesack.”
~From The day book. (Chicago, Ill.), 29 July 1912. Chronicling America.
Baby elephant frolics with birds?
Karim El Zoghby (Amelia) and Ben Maher (Cella) finish as joint winners of the CSI5* Prix de la Ville de Paris, after clocking the exact same time in the jump off. There were only 3 in the jump off to begin with!
Unwanted suitors? Not sure if you’re on a date? To nice to turn him down? I can help! With nearly four years of experience sabotaging romantic encounters, I’m the uncomfortable silence you deserve… and now, I’m offering my services professionally.
Bring me along as a platonic bufferzone on unwanted or ambiguous dates with suitors you’re not interested in but don’t know how to turn down. Guaranteed to kill the mood or your money back!
Basic services include: Terrible puns, poorly-timed jokes, casual physical displays of affection, bringing up unappealing facts about you (to be established or fabricated ahead of time), including myself in attempts at cuddling, domineering the conversation, irritating laughter, talking about I may have finally found an apartment for rent that’s big enough to house all of your cats, subtly making remarks about how nice it is that you’ve made a new friend.
More advanced services: Creating diversions (available at tiers 1, 2, and 3; examples include pouring water over my head, impromptu hula dancing, and triggering alarms), intimate displays of physical affection, accidentally spilling drinks on your suitor’s clothing, laughing at everything your suitor says while drinking until I manage to time it so that water comes out of my nose and sprays onto them.
- The Gay Best Friend: What it sounds like. Because this persona runs the risk of stereotype and exploitation, I prefer to keep this subtle. Willing to engage in mild flirtation with your suitor. Please use discretion when requesting this service; the intention is to make him realize that your feelings towards him are platonic. Do not even consider this package if he is aggressively homophobic.
- The Imposing Older Brother: I scowl, smirk, and huff judgmentally. Comes in two flavors: the Violent Ex-Con and the Insufferable Elitist. Can flex my physical or intellectual muscles as needed.
- The Irritating Younger Brother: I bring a gaming device along, snicker rudely and roll my eyes whenever he speaks, complain about the time, chew with my mouth open, shrug indifferently, prop my sneakers on his chair, wipe my nose on my hand, and bluntly interrupt the conversation whenever it strays out of your comfort zone.
- The Priest: Why the heck would you bring your priest on a date?! I don’t know, and neither will your suitor! Obfuscate them into backing off. If that doesn’t work, I will recite dry Biblical passages until they are driven away by crushing boredom or fear of Hell.
- The Son from The Future: Depending on the age difference, I can also pose as your Son from the Current Era. Will dress in conspicuously unusual clothing (ex. holographic baseball cap, life preserver, roller skates, VISOR-like sunglasses), continuously ask for the date and time, and anxiously mutter about how it’s almost time for you to ditch this place and meet my father for the first time.
- The Enslaved Zombie Ex-Boyfriend: I don milky, semi-opaque contact lenses and follow you around mindlessly, with jerky, unnatural movements. I am at your beck and call, controlled from beyond the grave by your occult powers - the fate of all the boyfriends who displease you.
- The Demon Prince: I wear a stylish fawn suit, soft kidskin gloves, and silver cuff-links etched with strange symbols. I have a ring or a cane decorated with the head of a ram. I say little, but smile often. Now and then, I pull out a little silver hourglass from a chain around my neck and examine it, tapping my foot, my fingers, or my cane impatiently. I adopt a curious and subtle accent and ask him to appraise his immortal soul. I carry a sleek briefcase rigged to emit a bright light if I crack it open a hair. Optional: I carry a cube of sulfur in my pocket for the smell.
- The Mulder: A proven classic. I periodically derail the conversation with crackpot conspiracy theories, the nature of reality, extraterrestrial intelligence, and ESP. May accuse your suitor of being a Reptilian, or demand that they feel the scar where I had an alien implant removed. Insist that we change tables because this one is bugged and we are under surveillance by the secret shadow government.
- The Fiance You Thought Was Lost at Sea: I burst through the door, dripping wet, with barnacle-encrusted clothing and a crab dangling from my ear lobe. I’ll smell of brine and have a haunted look in my eye. This will require some acting skills from you; you’ll need to throw yourself sobbing into my arms and cry, “I thought I’d lost you!” and I’ll hold you and mutter something about Davy Jones getting ahead of himself.
- Other: I am happy to work with you to develop a persona specific to your unique needs and preferences.
Rates: Sliding scale, determined by me on a case-by-case basis. I want to make my services available to all who need them. Factors such as the relative heinousness of suitor is considered; affluent clients can generally expect to pay more as likelihood of physical or spiritual harm increases. For swanky dates in nice locations with minimal levels of danger, I typically ask only that you cover the cost of my meal, entrance fees, transportation, and other expenses.
Although I am prepared to deal with any number of eventualities, I am not a professional: bodyguard, assassin, exorcist, crocodile hunter, or escort. If you expect that any of these services will become necessary, I am happy to put you in touch with a specialist. ADDITIONALLY: If your suitor is non-human, please be upfront with this so that we can plan accordingly. We do not want a repeat of the events of Halloween 2012.ADDENDUM 2014: I reserve the right to terminate our deal at any time. This is a exclusively a professional relationship, and any physical or romantic affection we may share may be considered performance and unrelated to my personal feelings.
ADDENDUM 2015: If you are trying to orchestrate a set-up because you get off on watching your significant other jealously beat the crap out of perceived rivals, fuck you. Vengeance will be swift.
And people say innovative entrepreneurship is dead.
Brilliant. This guy really should branch out into the your-family-keeps-asking-why-you-never-bring-a-date line of work.
Based on popular demand, I now do family reunions and holiday dinners (Christmas and Thanksgiving must be booked far ahead of time at a higher rate).
Trailer of Monkey King：Hero is Back | CUG: King of Heroes西游记之大圣归来 Chinese animation based on Journey to the West. GIF by director himself 深海异客
Think I’ll escape the Beijing heatwave in a cinema tomorrow
This is film for every Chinese kid who grew up on 西游记/Journey To The West and stories of 孙悟空/Sun Wukong. This is a film for every Chinese kid who wished they could hang out with the Handsome Monkey King and imagined what it would be like to watch 齐天大圣/ Great Sage Equaling Heaven fight. This is a beautifully, lovingly animated film that is utterly and unmistakably Chinese.
It’s not a complicated story. Kid accidentally releases Sun Wukong from his prison under the mountain, Wukong and kid slowly become friends, there are children who need saving and a monster/妖怪Yaoguai to defeat. It’s not canon with “The journey to the West” but it’s not completely not canon either. The kid is 江流儿jiangliuer(lit. baby delivered by river) and he’s fun and cute and energetic, but those who have read the original books immediately realise that jiangliuer is the childhood name of 玄奘/Xuanzang the Tang Dynasty monk who Sun Wukong is destined to lead to the west (india). 猪八戒/Zhu Bajie/Pigsy turns up but he’s not Bajie yet because he hasn’t given that name, he’s just the fallen Heavenly Marshal turned into a pig. 老沙/Sandy doesn’t turn up but 小白龙/White Dragon does and the white dragon is one of the most beautifully rendered creatures in the whole film, which is saying a lot because the whole film is beautiful. From the clouds to the falling stones, to the water and textures and the use of space and depth and kinetic fun action scenes, this is a gorgeous-looking animated film unlike anything that China has produced before, and my mainland Chinese friends are incredibly proud of it.
The story is thoroughly enjoyable, but it’s all just a means for Chinese people to see their most famous and popular childhood hero onscreen in a way he’s never been done before. Wukong in this film is not the playful, fun-loving handsome Monkey King, he’s a fallen and defeated Wukong who has suffered 400 years of imprisonment and humiliation, and is restrained to a mere fraction of his full power by a remnant of Buddha’s shackles on his arm. Being landed with a kid who keeps reminding him of how he’s supposed to be the 齐天大圣Great Sage Equaling Heaven and believing in him when he won’t believe in himself doesn’t make his mood any better. It’s all build up to the climax and pay-off the audience knows is coming and breathlessly waits for: the moment when the Great Sage Equaling Heaven is unleashed in his full glory, walking on clouds clad in armour and red cloak pulling out his golden cudgel preparing to wreak absolute destruction on the demon which has challenged him. And when that happened, my Chinese-kid-self cheered.
I can’t describe how happy this film makes me. As someone who grew up on “Journey to the West” this is the first time I’ve seen Sun Wukong and his power done in a way that looks and feels epic. The opening scene of the Heavenly forces fighting the Great Sage in the clouds is the first time I’ve ever seen that fight done in gravity-defying justice and alone makes the 3D worth paying out for. There are so many moments where my friends and I gasped and laughed (the monsters are both frightening and hilarious, and Bajie is so much fun to watch) and the credits are adorable. jiangliuer is not just he-who-will-become-the-Tang-Monk-in-a-next-life, he’s the stand in for every Chinese kid who wishes they could be friends with Sun Wukong and watch in wonder as he fights. And when a baby is told, “Don’t be afraid, the Great Sage will protect you” it’s what so many Chinese parents have told their children who are afraid of monsters in the dark.
If this film gets released outside China I absolutely recommend seeing it, but in the meantime I plan on being a Chinese kid of ten years old again and watching this film at least once more before I leave Beijing.
He pulled a sword out of his fucking head while looking like Chaos. Win.
It’s not a sword, it’s a metal rod, he can change its shape and size (it weighs several tonnes in whatever shape) so keeps it tucked behind his ear for convenience.
This looks pretty awesome, hope it reaches international shores!
This is what I like to do with my free time.
Science, get on this. Catowls look like wonderful pets.
instead of hairballs they will give you pellets, which in turn would become educational fun for the children in your life
You realize this is what baby griffins would look like, right?
I need one
Welcome back, Janet.
The Thin man (1934)
Cobra Pefume Bottle
RIP GReader. You are partially avenged. The work is not over.
“I have since learned never to be amazed at what men will resort to when cornered by a woman’s intelligence.”
–Iris Owens, After Claude
anything can be a crop top