Shared posts

12 Feb 21:01

GROUP WORK IN GRAD SCHOOL

Throwback Thursday! Brought to you by Feb 2013!

image
17 Feb 03:01

Leslie: You’re ridiculous. And Men’s rights is...



Leslie: You’re ridiculous. And Men’s rights is nothing.

Pie-Mary - Episode 7.9

06 Feb 16:00

The Princesses of Snapchat

04 Feb 17:00

Only People Who Were Born in the Transit of Venus Will Understand This

Sam

blah blah gwyneth and some crazy facebook comment blah blah WHATEVER--real reason i'm sharing is because i always love looking at/judging the top bar on phone screenshots. like you had 5% battery left and you were using that to read the useless comments on this useless article? but then you found one SO insane that it was like "holy shit better screenshot this before my phone dies" #PRIORITIES

02 Feb 14:47

Hafþór Júlíus Breaks 1000 Year Old Lifting Record

by Nanna Árnadóttir
Sam

"The record has been described in the Icelandic Sagas" ---> phrases from a totally normal day in the life of an Viking God

Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson a.k.a The Mountain, made history by breaking a 1000 year old weightlifting record this weekend, reports Iron Mind.

Hafþór Júlíus broke the record while competing in the World’s Strongest Viking competition – which he won for the second time in a row.

“The record has been described in the Icelandic Sagas,” said Ilkka Kinnunen who reported on the event for Iron Mind. “The legend of the Icelander Ormur Stórólfsson goes that he walked three steps with a monster wooden log which weighed over 650 kg and was 10 m long. It took 50 mere mortals to help him place it on his back. After he took his third step, his back broke under the enormous pressure and he was never the same after that.”

Hafþór Júlíus carried the 650 kg and 10 m long log for 5 steps.

“Well, today my friends, I made history!” Hafþór Júlíus wrote on his Instagram account following the win. “As well as winning the title of The World’s Strongest Viking for the second time in a row, I carried this MONSTER LOG 5 steps! My back held up fine! I’m on my way to my ultimate goal, to win The World’s Strongest Man! NOTHING CAN STOP ME!! NOTHING CAN BREAK ME!”

The post Hafþór Júlíus Breaks 1000 Year Old Lifting Record appeared first on The Reykjavik Grapevine.

20 Jan 22:30

An Activist Writer Completely Disarms a Foul Troll Over Twitter in a Kind Display on MLK Day

random act of kindness,racism,trolling,MLK,restoring faith in humanity week,mlk day,failbook

A writer named Ijeoma Oluo has shared an interesting Twitter conversation she had with a 14-year-old, racist troll on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and the result is truly inspiring.

"You guys I'm a mom," she wrote on Facebook. "You think I'm going to let some 14 year old outlast me? I got love for days."

Warning: there are a lot of racial slurs and other awful stuff in here, but make sure to read all the way through to the end.

Submitted by:

16 Jan 14:00

"Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"

by Haley Mlotek
Sam

Really fun to mentally check off the ones that I've seen. Also I had no idea there was a Lizzie Borden movie starring Christina Ricci but now that I know about it I am SO INTO IT. I hope it's on demand.

by Haley Mlotek

Why yes, I would like to read a long piece about the origins and evolutions of Lifetime's famously cheesy, campy, violent, unintentionally hilarious, low-budget, women-in-danger, don't-let-your-teen-leave-the-house-but-also-don't-let-your-teen-on-the-Internet, made-for-TV movies, thank you for asking!

0 Comments
16 Dec 00:00

Back Off, We Have an Expert Here

Sam

If I ever saw a friend leave their FB logged in, THIS is totally what I would post from their account. So much troll-ier than "nickelback rocks" or "i'm a dumbass who left my fb open at the apple store lol"

04 Dec 13:31

What the Teaser Trailer for ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Would Look Like If Wes Anderson Had Directed It

by Justin Page
Sam

Fun parody, but also a great excuse to watch the original again because IT ACTUALLY IS FRIDAY YESS

Filmmaker and photographer Jonah Fiengold has created a wonderful video that imagines what the newly released teaser trailer for Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (previously) would look like if Wes Anderson had directed it. It features Anderson’s classic addition of catchy French music and trailer credits.

The original teaser trailer for comparison:

music by Françoise Hardy – “Le Temps de l’Amour

via Andie Grace

17 Nov 17:00

Alexander Skarsgård in Hollywood

by Tom and Lorenzo
Sam

idk about you guys but my wednesday morning really needed this

Just a regular dude.

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (1) - Copy“Tarzan” actor Alexander Skarsgård filling up his Porsche with gas in Hollywood, California.

Look at that natural, unaffected pose. “Those guys over there taking pictures? Nothing to do with me. Just filling up my Porsche here.”

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (2) - Copy

 

“Just holding my hose. And flexing.”

 

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (3) - Copy

 

“Just sticking it in; no idea about any cameras or photographers. Just a guy here. Gripping his hose.”

 

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (4) - Copy

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (5) - Copy

 

A guy who can’t figure out how to pay. A guy stymied by tasks other than gripping and posing, it would seem.

 

 

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (6) - Copy

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (7)

Alexander-Skarsgard-GOTSHC-PCBOPPG-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-TLO (8)

Just a guy; an impossibly statuesque Nordic guy, with big biceps, filling up his Porsche and paying cash. Nothing at all to see here.

 

[Photo Credit: VM/CPR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES]

05 Nov 13:00

Art of the Day: Woman Turns Paintings Into Selfies

Art of the Day: Woman Turns Paintings Into Selfies

Before there were iPhones, there were paint brushes.
Now, Olivia Muus, a designer and marketer from Denmark, has merged the two types of media into something new entirely: the portrait selfie.
Surely, this was the original artist's intent.

Submitted by: (via oliviamuus)

Tagged: art , instagram , selfie
24 Oct 20:00

In Light of Recent Events, This Account is Not Having a Good Time

In Light of Recent Events, This Account is Not Having a Good Time

Submitted by: (via Failbook)

Tagged: twitter , whoops , politics
28 Oct 14:28

"So get this. I’m driving down Park Avenue one day and...



"So get this. I’m driving down Park Avenue one day and this guy waves for me, so I pull over and I ask him where he’s going. He tells me 74th street, and I tell him that’s too far for me, because my shift just ended, so he says ‘thanks anyway’ and walks away. But then I think about it, and I start feeling bad for the guy, cause hey— I got a conscience. So I call him back to the cab and tell him to hop in. And he gets in the car all excited, all animated, and he’s talking about all these things. But he’s got his cap pulled down way over his eyes, so I can’t see who it is. But pretty soon I start to recognize his voice. And when we get to a light, I turn to him, and I look him in the eye, and I scream: "WIIIIIIILLLSSSSSOOOOOOON!!!" And that really got him. He started laughing hard. He sees that I’ve got this Ferrari hat on, and a Ferrari shirt too, so he starts calling me ‘Mr. Ferrari.’ The whole ride, he keeps calling me ‘Mr. Ferrari.’ So after we get to his destination, we snap a quick photo, and he goes on his way. And I think that’s it. But that’s not it, cause get this. Over the next few weeks, I just happen to randomly pick up people that know him. People who have acted with him before, people who work with him. And every time, I tell them: ‘Tell Mr. Hanks that Mr. Ferrari says ‘hello.’" Every time I say that. Then one day I’m driving, and I get a text from one of the people that I’d driven, and it says: ‘Mr. Hanks wants to invite you to see his Broadway show.’ So I bring my lady to the show, and we get to go backstage and everything, and after the show, we’re waiting for him in his dressing room, and he walks in and screams: ‘Mr. Ferrari!’ Can you believe that story? And you wanna know the craziest thing? The name of his show was ‘Lucky Guy.’ How crazy is that? Cause that was me. A lucky guy!"

23 Oct 23:00

He's a Mountain of a Man on "Game of Thrones," and Flying is Not Always the Easiest for Him

13 Oct 14:00

These Costumes Come to Life With the Help of Your Phone!

Submitted by: (via Mark Rober)

Tagged: costume , halloween , Video
16 Oct 00:44

#drunkjcrew @DrunkJCrewUGuys

Sam

OMG this BLOG



#drunkjcrew @DrunkJCrewUGuys

30 Sep 18:00

Awkward News Update: Laser Cat

by awkward

2236301859

Well, order has been restored to the universe. Schenectady High School senior Draven Rodriguez, who started a petition to get his unusual photo featured in the yearbook as his senior portrait, has his cake and is now eating it too. Recently, the school’s principal posed for a photo with Rodriquez in the ultimate display of solidarity. Perhaps our education system is in better shape than we thought.

djH083c

2236301859

Well, order has been restored to the universe. Schenectady High School senior Draven Rodriguez, who started a petition to get his unusual photo featured in the yearbook as his senior portrait, has his cake and is now eating it too. Recently, the school’s principal posed for a photo with Rodriquez in the ultimate display of solidarity. Perhaps our education system is in better shape than we thought.

djH083c

23 Sep 17:30

Rosario Dawson in Vionnet at the 2014 amfAR Milano Gala

by Tom and Lorenzo
Sam

cc: Fashion It So. Seriously there has to be a TNG episode with a planet full of people wearing shit like this right?

You guys, we’re all for experimentation and boundary-pushing by stars on the red carpet. We applaud such efforts, even if the results are usually questionable in some way. But this is so freaking odd that we don’t think we can bring ourselves to clap this time. This is so clearly wrong that we’re struggling to …
22 Sep 23:01

TRYING TO GET WORK DONE AT HOME

credit: Kristin

22 Sep 17:00

The Cat in the Hwæt: An Old English Seuss Translation

by Cassandra Rasmussen
Sam

OMG

Hark! We have heard tales sung of the great storm,
And the raindrops that fell like cold, wet spears,
how they smothered the unshining sun!

There was Sally, sitter of stools,
Batter of baseballs, brave in the outfield.
The Warrior of Little League had fallen far!
Slumped stool-sitter, and hater of sitting in stools,
Wisher at the window, watching the whale-road deepen with water.

A boy-child and her brother, I had before been bird-chaser,
Bare-footed grass-galloper, gazer at clouds,
Celebrant of summer sunshine and silver dusk:
That was good weather!

Now I was mourner of mud, of mirth-turned sorrow:
Sorrow of sogginess, of sun-starved boredom.
There was nothing to do!

Bump!

Read more The Cat in the Hwæt: An Old English Seuss Translation at The Toast.

22 Sep 13:00

Link Roundup!

by Nicole Cliffe
Sam

A FUN LIBRARIAN. i knew it she is writing just for meeeeeee

Mallory Ortberg IRL:

When you’re writing for the Toast, do you picture an ideal reader?

A librarian. Like, a fun librarian.

*

Carrie "The Best Editor Nicole Has Ever Worked With" Frye has written the most incredibly brilliant thing for the Gawker Review of Books about Rebecca and Daphne du Maurier, and you are to sit down right away and bask in it, please and thank you:

Daphne had a few romantic relationships with women as well, although she rejected the term "lesbian." "… by God and by Christ if anyone should call that sort of love by that unattractive word that begins with "L", I'd tear their guts out," she warned in one stormy love letter, whose recipient, being a woman, might have felt she had a right to call the love exactly that. This avoidance gets complicated, and her biographer Margaret Forster writes perceptively about it.

Part of it was surely internalized homophobia, a reluctance to acknowledge herself as that way; something, too, to do with her time period's narrow conventions of what being a lesbian meant. But also mixed up in there is du Maurier's recognition of herself as a boy—an identification she only allowed herself to make in her 40s—and a boy isn't a lesbian. This boy was who Daphne had been as a child; she'd put him away as a teenager ("locked him in a box," she described it), but he emerged in her writing, she felt, giving it its vim and daring. The male narrator of My Cousin Rachel, for example, was a psychological self-portrait of Daphne in love (and behaving badly). He's there in The Scapegoat, too, a great novel about a man and his more freewheeling, rakish double. (It's the other of her books I wish Hitchcock had made a movie of.)

*

Read more Link Roundup! at The Toast.

17 Sep 14:00

How To Emotionally Devastate A Very Specific Type Of Person

by Mallory Ortberg
Sam

sorry didn't get past the first one too busy sobbing

Whisper "I am a leaf on the wind; watch how I soar" to them.

Pretend not to understand any of their Spaced references.

Tell someone who likes to think of himself as a Moss from the IT Crowd that he in fact reminds you of "that one guy from The Big Bang Theory."

"I think John Hurt was the best Doctor, personally."

"Oh, I'm sorry -- I figured you knew when I asked you to come over to watch Death At A Funeral that you knew I meant the American remake."

Compare Batman: The Animated Series negatively to the comics.

Read more How To Emotionally Devastate A Very Specific Type Of Person at The Toast.

15 Sep 13:23

“Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I...



“Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

10 Sep 14:00

WHEN I HAVE TO URBAN DICTIONARY THINGS THE UNDERGRADS SAY

04 Sep 16:00

Rupert Giles, MLS

by Mallory Ortberg
Sam

WHY is this not what library school is really like. WHYYY

giles

Course List for Rupert Giles, Master of Library Sciences Candidate, Michaelmas Term 1982

Anthropodermic Bibliopegy: How to Preserve And Handle Books Bound in Human Skin

Taking Your Glasses Off And Slowly Rubbing Your Temples: An Introduction

Guarding A Vampire Slaying-Teen: Is It For You? Non-Traditional Employment In A Saturated Library Sciences Market

Beginning Wizard’s Latin

How To Recognize Drawings of Demons

Data Analytics and Amateur Gravedigging

Cursed Metadata In Theory and In Practice

Late Fees And Love Spells: Intro to Communications Systems

Mystical Convergences And The Lunar Cycle: What Every Curator Should Know

Survey and Analysis of Current Literature for Children Grade 5-8

Making The Most Of Your Resources: How To Acquire Medieval Assault Weapons And Strange Tinctures On A Limited Library Budget

Filling Out Timesheets

Maintaining An Appropriate Student-Teacher Relationship

Digital Curation

Witch Mentorship Work-Study Program

Distinguishing Between Third-Degree Burns And Spontaneous Combustion

Integrated Library Systems And Standard Runes

Supernatural Harassment In The Workplace: What Every Librarian Should Know

Archiving Despite Demonic Interference

There’s An Ancient Prophecy For That: Matching Your Present-Day Disturbances With Twelfth-Century Romanian Curses

Remember, You Are Not A Hero: Doing What Needs To Be Done (What Your Slayer Doesn’t Need To Know)

Basic Self-Defense and Smothering

Comparative Cosmologies and World Religions: Angelology to Zoroastrianism

Read more Rupert Giles, MLS at The Toast.

02 Sep 13:39

“So long as you write what you wish to write, that is all that...



“So long as you write what you wish to write, that is all that matters; and whether it matters for ages or only for hours, nobody can say.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own

30 Aug 14:02

Auto-Admiration?

by Dish Staff
Sam

WHUT

by Dish Staff

Jesse Bering reviews research suggesting that not only can people accurately match dogs’ faces to their owners, but also that “our faces also bear an uncanny resemblance to the frontend views of our automobiles.” Participants in a study were given a picture of a car and asked to rank its possible owners on a scale of 1 to 6:

[T]he authors suspected that the judges in their study would be able to match cars dish_carfaces3 with their correct owners above chance levels. And that’s what they found. “The real owner was in fact assigned rank 1 most frequently,” they write, “and rank 6 least frequently.” This proved true regardless of the subjects’ sex and age. There were an equal number of male and female judges, and they ranged widely in age—from 16 to 78 years. In case the sheer bizarreness of these data hasn’t quite registered, let me put it to you more bluntly: The average person can detect a physical similarity in the “faces” of cars and their owners. …

Implied in these results is the startling fact that most car owners are unwittingly purchasing cars that look like them. If that’s the case, figured [researchers Stefan] Stiegar and [Martin] Voracek, then is it possible that judges can even take it one step further, matching dogs to their masters’ cars? After all, we know now that it’s not a myth: dogs really do look like their owners. And since we choose both cars and dogs that physically resemble us, shouldn’t our dogs and our cars look alike too? Here, frankly, the data just get weird. Nevertheless, they’re genuine. In their third and final study, the authors added 36 portraits of dogs into the mix. Half of these were of purebreds, and the others were mutts. In a twist to the previous studies, a new group of judges saw an image of a car (again, either the front, side, or rear view) and beneath that, six individual dogs. Subjects ranked each dog on the likelihood of its master being the owner of the car shown. Amazingly, the participants were able to pull this feat off as well.

Meanwhile, Laura Bliss considers the oddly human attachments people form to their vehicles:

To many of us, [cars] are beloved, person-like companions. More than 70 percent of respondents to a recent AutoTrader survey were at least “somewhat” if not “very attached” to their cars, with 36 percent describing their vehicle as “an old friend.” In another study, nearly half of all drivers assigned a gender to their cars, and about one-third actually name them.

For many car-owners, emotional attachment can also come hand-in-hand with socio-economic mobility. For example, there’s research that suggests for certain low-income families, owning a car is linked to the ability to live in neighborhoods with lower poverty rates and lower health risks, as well as higher neighborhood satisfaction and stronger chances of employment.

Car-owners often assign human-like attributes to our cars, too. A 2006 study found significant differences between how participants understood their own personality and how they described their cars’. And in that same AutoTrader report, more than a quarter said they felt “sad” when they thought about parting ways with their internally combusting pal.

27 Aug 18:00

Dad Has Blackmail Material for a Lifetime After Catching His Daughter Making Selfie Faces

Submitted by: (via Rumble Viral)

Tagged: dad , selfie , Video , failbook , g rated
15 Aug 00:20

The Child - 2.01

by ajlobster
Sam

1) Yesss this episode. Such a classic.
2) "Thank Goodness for Guinan, Mondays at 9/8c, this fall on ABC" Why are we not already watching this
3) That should be the ONLY permissible way to announce your pregnancy on FB.

This is the one where Troi gets pregnant. How? Well, when a tiny beam of sperm-shaped light and a woman love each other very, very much:

image

"Dat ass" - this lightsperm

…the lightsperm travels into any nearby spaceship and impregnates a half-human, half-Betazoid woman…somehow. It’s never made THAT clear how this works. And you know why?

image

"Special" my ass

Because this is the new ship’s doctor!!! Uggggghhhhh.

image

I’m Feather Mullet and I’m here to say / I’m super stupid in a stupid way

I just love Bev so much that I cannot abide any interloper, ESPECIALLY one who looks like AC Slater is in disguise as my Aunt Mary.

Anyway, there’s not a whole lot going on fashion-wise here, so thank goodness for Guinan.

image

Thank Goodness for Guinan, Mondays at 9/8c, this fall on ABC

Without that platter hat and this electric purple drapery, we wouldn’t have anything. Thank you, Guinan. Thuinan.

Troi is like “I feel weird” and Pulaski is like “uhhhhh, you’re pregs??”

image

"I need to see the fetus as LARGE AS POSSIBLE"

If I was planning to have children, this is how I would announce their birth on Facebook, except with my own face Photoshopped over Pulaski’s.

Deanna reacts as any woman would - with this “WHAAAAAA” face and with a LOT of blush:

image

Captain, I can’t add any more blush. I CAN’T.

Her makeup is too 80s for the 80s. She’s ringing in the 90s with a BOLD lip and a STRONG brow.

Her pregnancy progresses HELLA quickly, so we get to see her on the bridge in this kicky maternity outfit:

image

A pea in the pod on the bridge

Deanna’s beloved Bold Box color palette is in full effect here, with a dusty teal that fell straight out of County Seat and into our hearts:

image

You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can’t take the girl out of jersey (knit fabrics)

My main question is: why isn’t Deanna wearing this ALWAYS? THIS SHIT LOOKS SO COMFY. You know I love a jumpsuit but if I had to choose, it would be this bathrobe and gown combo every day.

image

Data, get the FUCK away from me

However, it appears that she’s wearing a top made of one of those blankets they hang up in rehearsal studios to prevent the sound from leaking out. SHOUT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE.

Okay, so now it’s time for the baby to be born. It gets graphic, y’all.

image

#BABBYBUTTS

This baby looks really clean. Also, wise:

image

The secrets of the universe are contained within my fontanelle

We go VERY quickly from that baby up there to this little scamp down here:

image

That’s a wig

Good to know that on the Enterprise, young men are started down the ugly sweater path early and often. 

Ian (Troi named the boy after her pops) goes to Enterprise School, which appears to consist of:

image

PUPPPPPIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSSS

I have a lot of questions about these puppies.

1. Were they born on the Enterprise?

2. Does that mean there is a mama dog on the Enterprise?

3. If they were NOT born on the Enterprise, where did they come from?

4. Did they come from the replicator?

5. CAN I HAVE A PUPPY REPLICATOR?

6. Are there ethical considerations about a puppy replicator?

7. Fuck ethics, I want a puppy replicator.

In conclusion,

image

WAS I REPLICATED??? TELL ME, SARAH MCLACHLAN

Ian, who is now several years older than the last time we saw him, is wearing a beige nightmare.

image

I literally had a nightmare about that garment

Everyone is like “wow so weird that he’s growing so fast” but no one is THAT concerned except Worf, but of course everyone dismisses his VERY REAL SECURITY CONCERNS in favor of Troi’s cute kid.

Also, what is this kid learning/wearing:

image

Geometry lessons get WAY better when you’re on acid

I can’t see the print on his arms that well, but I feel confident in saying that I like it.

image

His pained expression is due to his beige catastrophe

BTW, this whole time, a PLAGUE specimen has been traveling on the ship as well. These are the safety precautions taken to protect the crew from the plague:

image

It’s called a Ziploc hat and it’s VERY in right now

You know that guy from a Wes Anderson movie. Look, here he is again:

image

MY MUSTACHE SENSES TROUBLE

I am seriously digging his California Casual hair.

Meanwhile, in Ten Forward, this person is wearing the letter Y:

image

As in, Y would U wear that

I do like that green.

Wesley is consulting with Guinan about his future while she wears a relatively subdued look:

image

Guinan, space nun

You know it’s serious because she has two collars.

So the end of this is that little Ian gets sick and DIES except not REALLY because he was never really the half human/half Betazoid creature we thought he was, he was just an alien who wanted to LEARN in disguise. It’s still pretty sad but also kind of funny:

image

I don’t feel well

image

I think I have disco fever

image

Please don’t go, my lightbaby

image

Bless you, lightsperm. Blightsperm.

In conclusion,

image

PUPPY REPLICATORS FOR EVERYONE.

image

06 Aug 14:00

A Day In The Life Of A Femme Fatale

by Mallory Ortberg
Sam

Mrs. Dalloway said she would murder her sister herself.

ff10

Previously in this series: A day in the life of Seth MacFarlane, normal human male.

He bent down with a match crooked in his right hand. She pulled back, waving him off.

“It’s an electronic cigarette,” she said by way of explanation. “It stays lit all day.”

“Just like me,” he said, downing a gin.

She smiled, but she didn’t laugh. It wasn’t the sort of joke you laughed at, exactly. Funny, but a little too on-the-nose.

ff7

“I’ll be back in a minute,” she said. “Just have to powder my little girl’s room while I freshen up.”

“Sure thing, baby.” He took his hat off.

“Incidentally,” she purred, sticking her head back around the corner, “what’s the wi-fi password here, darling? I need to check something.”

Cats purred. Cats scratched, too.

“That network is locked,” he said.

“That’s not the only thing that’s locked around here,” she said, and disappeared.

ff5

The doorbell rang. Christ. Had she been sleeping?

“Who is it?” she said in her regular voice, then cursed herself inwardly. “Who’s there?” she called out in her softest, most dangerous voice, the one that mixed poison and honey in her throat.

“It’s me, baby. Open up.”

“Just a minute,” she said. Had she shaved her legs? You couldn’t ask a man to commit a murder for you with stubble on your legs. Men only killed for smooth women; they’d drilled that into her on Day One at Dame Academy. One thing was for sure: this wasn’t going to be repeat of Shanghai, when that quick-talking gunsel had slipped through her fingers just because no one had been willing to tell her she had lipstick on her teeth when she tried to flash a heavy-lidded, catlike smile at the mark.

Dame Academy hadn’t even wanted to take her at first. “Her legs are too short,” the Headmistress had said dismissively, before lighting a series of cigarettes with the heel of her shoe and tossing her Veronica Lake curls into a silver basin. “Try the secretarial pool.”

“But they go all the way to the top,” she’d said, crossing her legs so her hemline slid just above the knee, revealing four flasks, a pearl-handled revolver, and a couple of knives with different names carved into the handle.

Headmistress had smiled at that. “So, there’s some cat underneath that mouse after all.”

ff9

“Come in,” she said. “I’m very helpless.” She crossed her legs. Fuck. She still hadn’t shaved. Headmistress would have pulled off her manicure if she could see her now. Sleep with your makeup on, girls. You never know who’ll come breaking and entering. She dove out the window. Nothing to do for it but leave town and start a new life, with new legs, somewhere else.

ff2

“I follow my own code,” he said.

She sipped her drink. “I follow a lot of things.”

He looked puzzled. She shook her head. “I’m sorry. That sounded more suggestive in my head. I just…we’ve been bantering for hours. I’m sorry. I’m so tired. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

He still looked puzzled.

“I’m trying to suggest that I’m sexually available,” she said. “But in a vague, plausibly deniable sort of way.”

“Fair enough,” he said.

She put down her drink. Enough was enough. She’d just murder her sister herself.

Read more A Day In The Life Of A Femme Fatale at The Toast.