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07 May 13:43

update: my needy boss wants me to “adopt” her

by Ask a Manager
Lisa G

LORD.

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager, when I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose needy boss tried to invite herself on the letter-writer’s vacations and nights out with her husband? Here’s the update.

Alison, thanks so very much for responding to my letter, and many thanks also to all the readers who shared their insights. Both your observations and those of the commentariat were immensely helpful, and while Wanda is still Wanda, I feel as though I have gained a measure of control in handling the situation.

As I read and reread the replies to my letter, I realized that a big part of the issue for me has been that while Wanda makes herself very, very clear about what she wants, she does so with passive-aggressive manipulation tactics rather than by outright asking for things. And because I had a parent who did the same thing (and on whose account I spent a number of years in therapy), I am rather more susceptible to that approach than I’d like to be. Your comments, and those of your readers, were incredibly useful in helping me realize how deeply I had gotten pulled back into the same kind of unhealthy relationship that had caused me so much angst when I was young.

The first thing I did was to sit down with my husband and explain the whole thing to him. I wanted him to know that I was going to start setting limits with Wanda, and that part of the limit-setting would involve casting him in the role of a hopeless romantic who insists on lots of couples-only time.

Once we both stopped howling with laughter – which took a while, because Bob is just about as romantic as a box of hammers – he readily agreed to take the heat for me. He’s a good guy.

So when I put in my vacation request for this summer and Wanda asked archly “and where are we going this year,” I chuckled ruefully and said, “Bob is such a romantic that he insists on us taking a ‘mini-moon’ together every year and he doesn’t want anyone to know where we’re going, even our kids.” She pushed a little, even to the point of saying she could easily take that same week off, but I basically took the approach you suggested, treating it as a joke, which worked quite well. Then of course the pandemic came along and we had to cancel our plans – but if it worked once, it’ll work again.

When I started planning a ticket purchase for an autumn concert series that Bob and I always attend with friends, one that Wanda also likes and used to attend with her sister who moved out of state, I offered to include her for the one performance that we take a large group to. She immediately replied “yes, I’ll go with you for that one, and then you can go with me to all the rest,” to which I responded “oh, the rest of the series are dates for Bob and me – such a romantic old guy he is, still wanting go out on dates with his wife.” She pushed a little, but blaming it all on someone else, and especially on someone who is a man, was quite effective. She pretty much already assumes that all men are scoundrels whose only goal is to thwart and frustrate her anyway.

Redirection and deflection have been useful tools as well. A couple of months ago, Wanda stopped by my desk one afternoon and complained, “My stupid brother wants me to give my mother’s ring to his obnoxious stepdaughter at their Easter dinner, she’s so greedy that she’ll probably go pawn it, I really, really don’t want to go to their place for Easter, I really, really wish I had someplace else to go for the holiday, it would be SOOOO nice if only someone else would invite me to their Easter dinner.” I just replied, “Hey, did you hear that Fergus in Legal sent back his edits on that policy document we drafted on llama-herding? He completely changed the meaning of the middle section, and we’ll be in violation of the llama management ordinance if the guidance is released that way.”

That produced a very predictable response, one that successfully kept the topic of Easter dinner out of the conversation for the rest of the day. It takes a bit of planning to keep a distraction like that ready in my back pocket, so to speak, but there’s always some new crisis or controversy looming in our organization, so it’s not all that huge of a stretch. And it has been well worthwhile in terms of deflecting Wanda’s attempts to manipulate me into including her in my personal life.

The pandemic has honestly helped the situation, too, strange though that may sound. As stressful and horrifying and tragic as the pandemic is, the social distancing requirement has been a godsend in helping me establish and maintain a healthier degree of emotional distance.

For example, it is essentially impossible at our workplace to get away from Wanda. Even though she is considered a mid-level executive and is eligible for a private office, she insists on having a desk right out in the middle of the cube farm “to be close to her people” – which translates to being up in everyone’s business at all times.

When we went to telecommuting, however, that all changed, because we’re all scattered to our own homes and Wanda can’t do the kind of spontaneous drop-by meeting where she traps a hapless victim in their cubicle and babbles at them for half the afternoon. We don’t do video meetings either, thank goodness, and it’s downright amazing how much more work I can produce in a day now.

There are still phone conferences, of course, but for some reason, whenever the phone rings, my dog wakes up and insists on going out for a potty break. It’s so odd, I can’t seem to talk for more than five or ten minutes – just long enough to cover the business purpose for the call but no longer – and the minute Wanda goes off on another rant about Easter dinner with her horrible brother, Daisy starts whining at the door and I have to end the call to take her outside.

Of course I know that at some point, we’ll all be back in the office again, and I have no doubt that Wanda will resume her spontaneous drop-by meetings and her passive-aggressive attempts to manipulate me into “adopting” her. But with the insights I’ve gained from AAM, I expect to have no trouble at all in keeping the Oblivious Meter™ set to MAXIMUM CLUELESS and just let that manipulation roll right off my back.

Thank you again, Alison, for your help in joggling me out of the unhealthy place I had allowed myself to be pulled back to! Take care, be well, and stay away from those immersion blenders!

update: my needy boss wants me to “adopt” her was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

30 Apr 16:39

'Bad Education' Turns a Real-Life School Embezzlement Scandal Into a Gripping Black Comedy

Lisa G

This is on my watch list for tonight. This took place at my HS when I was there. And the student who "broke the story" was a year older than me Rebeckah Rombom, possibly the smartest girl I'd ever met.

bad education

Once an American school district reaches a certain level of student test scores and Ivy League acceptance, combined with a general level of wealth amongst its population, things start to get interesting. Roslyn High School, the setting of HBO's newest film Bad Education, directed by Cory Finley and written by Roslyn alum Mike Makowsky, operates within one of Long Island's richest districts, constantly competing against the other swanky high schools populated by all the other children from families who live in McMansions and keep beach houses in the Hamptons. Being an administrator of such a school is no joke, and district superintendent Frank Tassone had made a name for himself as one of the best, rocketing Roslyn's student body to ever-higher reaches of achievement while introducing newer, modern additions to the school infrastructure, making it an ever-more desirable place for Long Island residents to send their kids. And then, in 2002, he found himself at the center of the biggest public school embezzlement scandal in American history. 

Tassone (played by Hugh Jackman in a performance that has been described as "career best," and I'd be inclined to agree) is not just respected by his colleagues, underlings, students, and their parents; he's beloved. He's the man who turned their school into a utopia, made their students higher achievers, got them into the best colleges around, and renovated the palatial campus to nothing short of enviable. In fact, he's been heavily lobbying for funding for a new addition, a glittering aboveground "Skywalk" that will connect the wing of one building to another. It's this very Skywalk that gets one particular student, steely-eyed Rachel Bhargava (Blockers' Geraldine Viswanathan), interested in writing a piece about the subject, and when she digs through the school's long-buried financial records, she finds evidence of discrepancy upon discrepancy, extravagant charges made with school money that don't seem to have anything to do with the actual school at all. On top of everything, Roslyn's leaky ceiling is threatening to cave in: with all the money being spent on "fixing" the school, why has no one paid any attention to… fixing the school? 

It's her report, which is published by the school newspaper, the Hilltop Beacon, that brings everything crashing down around Tassone and his colleague Pam Gluckin (Allison Janney, with a delightfully rich Long Island drawl). He throws Gluckin under the bus, seemingly to keep her financial scandal from going public (making lavish purchases on the school card, tsk tsk), but it's mostly to protect himself and the more impressive amount of money he had been siphoning off the school funds for years. What follows is a strikingly entertaining and extremely blackly comedic retelling of the craziest true story you'll ever hear about employees of a public school almost making off with nearly $8 million. 

Jackman, with his hair slicked aggressively back and his suits immaculately pressed, one hand always clutching an evil-looking charcoal drink, plays Tassone with a distinct style and an absolutely fascinating empathy. Tassone is the villain of the story in every capacity except for the fact that he's also the main character, and Bad Education, which initially premiered at the 2019 Toronto International Film Festival, switches halfway through from a gleeful true-crime recounting to an unexpectedly mournful character study. Particularly fun (and then achingly sad) to watch is Tassone's jovial camaraderie with Gluckin turn instantly sour as their house of cards starts to topple. 

The details of the crime and its court proceedings were written about everywhere from the local papers to the New York Times, but Bad Education takes most of its inspiration from Robert Kolker's riveting 2004 New York Magazine article "The Bad Superintendent," which chronicles the fall of Tassone and his legacy. Liberties were taken with the film, of course. Roslyn's Skywalk already existed before the scandal, but the film uses it as an example of the school's excessive spending; in reality, it was the leaky ceilings which incited the original investigation. Bhargava's character was an invention, and there was obviously no confrontation between her and Tassone in real life, but she is a composite meant to represent the various reports that came out in the school's newspaper that first alerted people to the incident. The charges that initially alerted the school's auditor to spending discrepancies were made by Pam Gluckin's son (played with hysterical goofiness by American Vandal's Jimmy Tatro), but they were purchases from a Home Depot, not an Ace Hardware as depicted in the film. 

The true story, at times, even borders on the salacious. Aside from dipping his hands into his school's coffers for years, Tassone was revealed to have been living with another man in an apartment in Manhattan, at an address which he'd faked on the school's financial records to appear as a word processing company. Aside from even that, he had also bought a house with another man, an exotic dancer who, in the film, he met on a work trip. It's Jackman's final scenes with his younger partner, a character based on his real-life boyfriend and played by Rafael Casal, that are the most emotionally affecting, a last dance in a gay club to Moby's "In This World" as the feds snatch up Tassone's colleagues one by one. Bad Education didn't even need to handle its material with such deftness and grace, and could have been content with just delighting in the true crime of it all, but that's the kind of thing that turns a good movie into a great one. 

Need help finding something to watch? Sign up here for our weekly Streamail newsletter to get streaming recommendations delivered straight to your inbox.

Emma Stefansky is a staff entertainment writer at Thrillist. Follow her on Twitter @stefabsky.
24 Apr 23:38

Grindr is an app for gay men who want a convenient way to watch lava being poured on a goldfish.

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

This is my favorite Steve tweet. It also branches to heteros. Gardenscapes is everywhere....

Grindr is an app for gay men who want a convenient way to watch lava being poured on a goldfish.

16 Apr 21:22

The FDA lets ‘pretty much anyone’ sell a COVID-19 antibody test — and a lot of them are shoddy: CNN

by Matthew Chapman
Lisa G

A Cary share. Liz I was reading about how the FDA made the regs for this like ZERO and we basically now have many tests that mean nothing.

On CNN Tuesday, senior medical correspondent Elizabeth Cohen warned that many of the antibody tests on the market for COVID-19 — the tests that show whether you are immune to the virus — are barely tested under the Food and Drug Administration’s new standards, and possibly ineffective. “So this test tells you, hey, look, you […]
16 Apr 20:38

I can’t wait to be able to post a picture of me at 20 next year when I turn 20.

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

Too young for retinoids.

I can’t wait to be able to post a picture of me at 20 next year when I turn 20.

15 Apr 19:51

I accidentally flashed my team during a video call

by Ask a Manager
Lisa G

“There but for the grace of God go I.”

A reader writes:

After a video team meeting today, I hung up the call and proceeded to get undressed for a shower. After a few seconds, when I was significantly but not completely undressed, I noticed that the app had frozen and was still open. The rest of my team had been staying on for a different meeting, so I prayed it had disconnected on their end and closed it.

At a meeting with our team lead later in the afternoon, she (gently) let me know that it had not disconnected and told me it wasn’t a big deal. Obviously I am DEEPLY mortified and basically want to die right now.

Should I reach out to the other team members and offer an explanation/apology? Also, can you tell me that someday everyone will forget this happened and I’ll stop reliving it in my head while wanting to barf, even if it’s not true? Everyone on my team is great and I’m sure will act like it never happened, but I’ll always know what they’ve seen.

Do I have to quit now? Just kidding. I think. Ugggghhhh.

Oh nooooo, I’m sorry! With the drastic increase in video calls recently, this is everyone’s nightmare right now.

In fact, because it’s everyone’s nightmare right now, a lot/all of your colleagues are probably thinking, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

Stuff like this happens, and decent coworkers do not forever associate it with the person it happened to. Mostly they will feel empathy, and probably care about you feeling comfortable again.

There also might be comfort in the fact that you are one of many, many people who have had something like this happen in the last month. If you had to appear semi-nude on video in front of your coworkers, now is the time for it, because you are part of a sea of people who have shown too much on video calls. It is the secondary pandemic of the pandemic!

People will indeed forget this and you will stop reliving it in your head, because that is the way of mortifying moments. That doesn’t mean you won’t occasionally be struck with the memory, because that is also the way of mortifying moments, but it will not haunt you forever.

You don’t need to contact your team members to explain or apologize. I promise no one thinks you did this on purpose, as a sort of post-meeting novelty; they get what happened. That said, if you’d feel better if you acknowledged it in some way, do whatever will make you feel better. As somewhat of a connoisseur of embarrassing myself, I sometimes find that speaking of the incident can take some of the sting out of it (which of course means a second awkward moment, but I’m sometimes willing to pay that price for the relief it brings), but other people find more relief in never speaking of it again. It’s up to you! But you don’t need to do anything here; you can do or not do whatever will make you the most comfortable.

We are all with you in spirit.

I accidentally flashed my team during a video call was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

05 Apr 07:00

I came down to the kitchen to get a Starfruit Lemonade Polar seltzer at around 2 pm to drink while I worked upstairs in my room. I have been looking for the can of seltzer in my house now for 9 hours.

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

Did you find it?

I came down to the kitchen to get a Starfruit Lemonade Polar seltzer at around 2 pm to drink while I worked upstairs in my room. I have been looking for the can of seltzer in my house now for 9 hours.

02 Apr 19:09

Okay, who’s gunna tell these gays that quarantine is not a personality

by (@YESsteveYES)

Okay, who’s gunna tell these gays that quarantine is not👏 a 👏personality👏

25 Mar 18:22

theweirdwideweb: goathazard: goathazard: theweirdwideweb: So in Minnesota there’s this cultural...

Lisa G

Share from Cary. Just FOLLOW HER people!

theweirdwideweb:

goathazard:

goathazard:

theweirdwideweb:

So in Minnesota there’s this cultural taboo about taking the last piece. If there’s a group and everyone orders pizza, typically one slice will not be eaten. At the office if someone brings donuts, the last donut will be left alone. Possibly cut in half. Then that half cut in half, but always leaving at least a little on the plate. The reason is it’s considered impolite because someone else might want it. To take the last piece is a desperate thing to do. There’s even an expression: “I wasn’t raised by wolves.” Anyway, here’s the best local facebook post going around right now. 

image
image
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image

I saw this and thought to myself, thats so strange because thats a thing here in sweden as well, how two different places so far apart can have the same taboo.. and then I remembered something from history class

Humans are wild, huh?

Yeah this is why we talk this way. 

19 Mar 11:46

roast mepic.twitter.com/lIs8amipMu

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

Did you hear what he said? Roast him.

18 Mar 18:13

Send the emoji to anyone posting from a bar or club this weekend, and then separately, Venmo $20 to your favorite local drag queens. Everyone stay the fuck home, I’m not living like this for the next six months because your twink brain can’t read a line graph.

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

every day they spent at brunch this weekend is like... another three weeks

Send the 👎 emoji to anyone posting from a bar or club this weekend, and then separately, Venmo $20 to your favorite local drag queens. Everyone stay the fuck home, I’m not living like this for the next six months because your twink brain can’t read a line graph.

18 Mar 14:40

How To Delete All Your Twitter Likes

Lisa G

I recently wanted to delete all my twitter likes. I felt like it was a window into my subconscious that I didn't want to show. SO.

The comments provided this diddy (if you follow the directions in the blog post)

setInterval(function(){
var divs = document.getElementsByTagName('div')
var arr = Array.prototype.slice.call( divs)
var hearts = arr.filter(x => x.getAttribute('data-testid') == 'unlike')
hearts.forEach(h => h.click())
window.scrollTo(0, document.body.scrollHeight ||document.documentElement.scrollHeight);
},1000);

Sorry to Steve who this action will disproportionately effect.

Twitter has become one of the world’s leading forums for discussion and argument, with at least half a billion tweets sent out each day. (Side note: either the site should be called Tweeter, or the messages should be called Twits.) Pretty much everyone who is anybody is on Twitter, either to put their opinion out there or to follow the opinions of the people whose opinions they care about. Of course, with so many people using the site, and with it being such a channel for controversial topics, there are always Twitter scandals and outrages.

One result of those scandals and outrages is that every once in a while, users find themselves wanting to delete old Favorites, also known as “likes”. Maybe the comedian whose joke they liked later turned out to be a huge sex criminal, or maybe they just changed their mind on an issue of the day, but deciding to undo a like is a common decision. It’s quick and easy to do and many have done it. But what if you want to delete all of your likes and start fresh? In this article, I will show you a few different ways you can get rid of your entire Twitter like history.

One by One

The old-fashioned way is the simplest way: delete your likes one at a time using the Twitter app itself on your phone. This is a time-consuming, tedious activity. It has the sole virtue of letting you leave some likes in place. However, if you’ve only been on Twitter for a little while or if you haven’t got a lot of likes to go through, this method might be the easiest way. Here’s how to do it:

  1. Log in to Twitter.
  2. Open the “Likes” section.
  3. Browse the tweets.
  4. Click “Undo Like” next to all the likes that you want removed.

There is one crucial limitation on this method: The Likes page in your Twitter app will track only the last 3,200 likes, with the older ones being inaccessible. Luckily, there are faster and more efficient methods out there.

Through Browser Console

If you’d like to delete a large number of likes, you can do it through your web browser’s console. You will need some basic knowledge of how the console works, a web browser, and a Twitter account. This method will only work on Google Chrome. Here’s the step-by-step guide:

  1. First, launch Chrome.
  2. Then, log into your Twitter account.
  3. Navigate to the “Likes” section.
  4. Once you’re on the “Likes” page, hit F12. This command will open Chrome’s debug console.
  5. Next, click on “Console” to open the tab.
  6. Copy this script $(‘.ProfileTweet-actionButtonUndo.ProfileTweet-action–unfavorite’).click(); into the “Console” field, next to the blue arrow.
  7. Hit “Enter” and run it.
  8. Check the results.
  9. Repeat the process as many times as needed.

While certainly far more efficient than the previous method, deleting likes through the console does have its limitations. You’ll still only be able to erase some 3,200 likes this way, as that’s how many likes your Likes page has access to. If you have more than 3,000 likes to delete, you will need a better, more powerful solution.

Twitter Archive Eraser

The next method involves third-party apps designed for managing and deleting tweets, likes, and favorites. Twitter Archive Eraser is one of the free options. It allows you to bulk-delete likes and is easy and simple to use. Here’s how it works.

  1. Install and launch the app.
  2. You will see two check boxes. Tick the first one, but not the other one.
  3. Click the “Sign In” button.
  4. Next, type in your user name and password.
  5. Click “Authorize app”.
  6. You will then get a PIN code. You should paste it into the app.
  7. After that, the app will show you the selection screen. Choose “Delete Favorites”.
  8. The app will show you the likes count, as well as the query limitation, on top of the page.
  9. Click “Start” to gather the likes.
  10. When the process is done, click “Next”.
  11. The app will show you the likes it gathered. All likes are selected by default, though the application does permit filtering.
  12. When you’re ready, click “Erase selected tweets”.
  13. Click “OK” to confirm.
  14. Once the process ends, the application will display a “success” notification.

You should, however, bear in mind that this application has its limits. First off, the app may or may not work with all Favorites/likes. There is a known issue with Twitter’s API that causes some likes (from the days when they were called Favorites) to not be accessible to the program. Second, the app has a four-tiered pricing program, ranging from “free” to “premium”. Each tier grants new access and functionality. For example, with the free version, you will only be able to delete up to 1,000 likes which are less than two years old. The Basic package ($9 one-time charge) will let you delete 3,000 likes no older than 4 years. The Advanced option ($19) will allow you to delete 10,000 likes no older than 4 years. Finally, the Premium version ($29) will let you delete an unlimited number of likes no matter how old they are.

Do you have any suggestions on ways to delete all your Twitter likes? Share them with us in the comments if so!

Want to learn more about how to make the most of Twitter? TechJunkie has you covered, with tutorials on how to delete your whole Twitter account, how to delete all your retweets, how to tell if you’ve been muted by someone, how to write your own Twitter bot, and how to block and unblock people on Twitter.

16 Mar 22:42

Why was a Tennessee lawmaker drinking out of a Hershey's syrup bottle? We've got answers.

Lisa G

Apparently it's water and he's an avid upcycler! (or is he) https://twitter.com/natalie_allison/status/1224481603570872320

Rep. Kent Calfee, R-Kingston, drinks out of a chocolate syrup bottle as he waits for the start of the State of the State address at the state Capitol Monday, Feb. 3, 2020 in Nashville, Tenn.

Rep. Kent Calfee, R-Kingston, drinks out of a chocolate syrup bottle as he waits for the start of the State of the State address at the state Capitol Monday, Feb. 3, 2020 in Nashville, Tenn. (Photo: George Walker IV / The Tennessean)

A Tennessee state representative found himself in the spotlight Monday night for drinking out of a Hershey's chocolate syrup bottle while on the House floor.

You had a lot of questions after the photo of Rep. Kent Calfee went viral on Twitter, so we decided to get some answers.

If you're just now catching up, a Tennessean photo of Calfee was widely shared on Twitter on Monday evening, showing the Republican from Kingston drinking from a chocolate syrup bottle while waiting for Gov. Bill Lee's second State of the State address to begin.

So first, you ask, what was actually in the chocolate syrup bottle?

Twitter users shared their theories, which were largely both of amusement and disgust at the prospect of Calfee chugging chocolate syrup or some kind of hard liquor.

"It's a repurposed syrup bottle that I drink my water out of," Calfee said on Tuesday. "I'm not going to buy a $25 or $35 or $45 water bottle that’s not worth what it costs because I'll probably put it down and leave it somewhere."

Calfee said he and his wife, Marilyn, "recycle everything."

"I was fixing to put it in the plastic recycling one day at home, and I thought, shoot, I can put water in that," Calfee said.

Rep. Kent Calfee, R-Kingston

Rep. Kent Calfee, R-Kingston (Photo: Jed DeKalb)

He keeps it in the drawer at his desk in the front of the House chamber and refills it with water — and never with liquor, which he stopped drinking in December 1978, Calfee said.

Perhaps more importantly, though, is the question of whether Calfee actually ever has consumed Hershey's syrup from the bottle.

"I don’t know that I've ever drank chocolate syrup," Calfee said.

He does, however, like to take a spoonful of Nesquik and wash it down with a sip of milk rather than mixing it in. It's a trick he has also passed along to some of his seven grandchildren.

Calfee, who is in his eighth year serving in the General Assembly, was a member of the Roane County commission for 20 years before that.

He and his wife have a farm, a boat, kayaks and a motor home to fill his free time when he doesn't have legislative business, Calfee said.

Reach Natalie Allison at nallison@tennessean.com. Follow her on Twitter at @natalie_allison.

Want to read more stories like this? A subscription to one of our Tennessee publications gets you unlimited access to all the latest politics news, podcasts like Grand Divisions, plus newsletters, a personalized mobile experience and the ability to tap into stories, photos and videos from throughout the USA TODAY Network's 261 daily sites.

Read or Share this story: https://www.tennessean.com/story/news/politics/2020/02/04/why-tennessee-rep-kent-calfee-drinks-hersheys-chocolate-syrup-bottle/4654695002/

11 Mar 18:30

Loved this video that describes the mechanics of how epidemics spread and why #flatteningthecurve is so important. It definitely helped internalize the risk to myself and responsibility to others. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kas0tIxDvrg …

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

Ok more from steve but this video is great

Loved this video that describes the mechanics of how epidemics spread and why #flatteningthecurve is so important. It definitely helped internalize the risk to myself and responsibility to others. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kas0tIxDvrg …

11 Mar 06:30

(hi lisa)

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

Hi Steve.

(hi lisa)

10 Mar 22:11

I Tried Not to Touch My Face for a Day. It Made Me Insane.

by Justin Peters
Lisa G

It turns out I touch my face a lot.

What happened when I took the CDC’s advice for avoiding the coronavirus as literally as possible.
10 Mar 16:19

WHAT IF THEY CANCEL EUROVISION OKAY THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS NOW

by (@YESsteveYES)
Lisa G

I am now following Steve's Twitter on Reader

WHAT IF THEY CANCEL EUROVISION OKAY THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS NOW

10 Mar 15:01

Stonks

Lisa G

I can't believe Robby hasn't shared this first!

Screen_shot_2019-06-05_at_1.26.32_pm

Stonks is an intentional misspelling of the word "stocks" which is often associated with a surreal meme featuring the character Meme Man standing in front of a picture representing the stock market followed by the caption "Stonks." The picture began seeing use as a reaction image online in jokes about making poor financial decisions.

Read More
06 Mar 18:27

Can You Fall in Love Without Seeing the Person’s Face?

by June Thomas, Nichole Perkins, Marcia Chatelain, and Christina Cauterucci
Lisa G

Should I watch Love is Blind? I haven't read the article. I'm just using it to ask this vital question.

04 Mar 15:43

The Stubborn, Prolific Slipper Snail Is Notorious for Conquering Clam Beds. Is Your Dinner Plate Next?

by Hannah Selinger
Lisa G

Share for funky snails.

Long the bane of bay harvesters, the mollusk is receiving a fresh look from sustainability advocates and chefs alike.
03 Mar 21:22

The Secret Origins of the Internet’s Favorite Winona Ryder Bully-Revenge Anecdote

Lisa G

From the TOR archives:
"Didn’t you get beaten up in seventh grade for dressing up like Jimmy Cagney?"

"I was wearing an old Salvation Army–shop boy’s suit. I had a hall pass, so I went to the [girls’] bathroom. I heard people saying, “Hey, faggot.” They slammed my head into a locker. I fell to the ground and they started to kick the shit out of me. I had to have stitches. The school kicked me out, not the bullies. Years later, I went to a coffee shop in Petaluma, and I ran into one of the girls who’d kicked me, and she said, “Winona, Winona, can I have your autograph?” and I said, “Do you remember me? I went to Kenilworth. Remember how, in seventh grade, you beat up that kid?” and she said, “Kind of,” and I said, “That was me. Go f— yourself!”

When I first saw this viral tweet about Winona Ryder — you know the one, where she tells the story of her Salvation Army jacket and the telling-off of the former classmate who beat her up — I did not expect to spend several days following a Winona Ryder–related research rabbit hole. Instead, I smiled. Winona really is that bitch, I thought, even though I am nowhere near cool enough to use the term “that bitch,” which I only know because of “Formation.”

But behind my devil-may-care use of a Beyoncé line (in my head) lay some nagging questions: Where the hell did the Winona quote come from? Is it real? And why was everyone so willing to share something completely unsourced to the tune of 165,000 retweets? Were we looking at another sinister Russian intelligence operation?

HuffPo claimed that the original source of the story was a biography of Winona Ryder first published in 1998. But as any fact-checker former or present will tell you, trusting a book isn’t always a great idea — and the Winona biography was unauthorized, as is detailed in the author’s note. Even if we felt we could trust it — and I’m sure Nigel Goodall is a good reporter — the book is not the source of the direct, first-person quote, but instead provides a different, less-flashy retelling, as you can see on the relevant page here.

Further inquiry led me to a shockingly well-maintained fan site, which claimed that the quote originated from Bazaar U.K.’s August 2000 issue. You don’t have to leave the first page of Google results to figure out that Bazaar U.K. was actually Harper’s Bazaar, which Winona graced the cover of in August 2000, though that publication apparently maintains no public online record of the piece accompanying it. But you can find it in the New York Public Library’s archives, if you’ve managed to renew your library card on time, which of course I had not.

So I biked up to the library to get that squared away, after which I was rewarded with the six-page copy of the original story; Winona was interviewed by journalist Henry Alford and photographed by Patrick Demarchelier. The whole Q&A is fun, and while the quote is altered on Twitter, the meaning is generally the same. Here’s the original:

Didn’t you get beaten up in seventh grade for dressing up like Jimmy Cagney?

I was wearing an old Salvation Army–shop boy’s suit. I had a hall pass, so I went to the [girls’] bathroom. I heard people saying, “Hey, faggot.” They slammed my head into a locker. I fell to the ground and they started to kick the shit out of me. I had to have stitches. The school kicked me out, not the bullies. Years later, I went to a coffee shop in Petaluma, and I ran into one of the girls who’d kicked me, and she said, “Winona, Winona, can I have your autograph?” and I said, “Do you remember me? I went to Kenilworth. Remember how, in seventh grade, you beat up that kid?” and she said, “Kind of,” and I said, “That was me. Go f— yourself!”

It’s nicer, right? We should keep magazines and not just retweet reblogged Tumblr quotes. Anyway, I wrote to Henry Alford, to ask him if we could chat about this pesky investigation. He sent a lengthy reply via email and offered to chat more in the morning, though I suspect that was a courtesy offer, because I hope no one ever calls me to quiz me about stories I reported two decades ago, and because his email was quite kind and helpful.

“I DID see this on Twitter yesterday, but I had no idea prior to that that it had been resurrected. I don’t care that I’m not credited — I didn’t write any of it, and I imagine that she would have told it to any interviewer. It sucks that the quote has been tampered with. But I suppose it could be worse. It’s not movie studio-caliber tampering; it’s Readers Digest for bullying.

I guess it makes a kind of sense that it would get resurrected: it’s a pretty juicy anecdote.

… I loved interviewing Winona because she told this kind of anecdote totally matter-of-factly; most of us would stammer or get huffy and overly theatrical for the “reveal,” but Winona dished it out like yesterday’s mac and cheese. Or that bit where I told her that, given her interest in vintage clothes and old movies and serial dating, she seemed like a gay guy: she took that wholly in her stride.

It’s weird that the quote has resurfaced sixteen — and not three or eight or thirteen — years later, but maybe people feel differently about Winona now that she appears regularly in our living rooms. Previously, you had to travel to her. You had to pay money and voyage far off to Tim Burton Land or the world of wimples viewed through the lens of Arthur Miller. But now she is us. She bleeds. We’re more interested in her as a human. (Her shoplifting episode didn’t hurt here, either.)

I say fair point, and thank you, on Henry’s last note, and it is seemingly the first time the quote itself has resurfaced. But the story has come up several times* before. A recent and relevant example of how we process news now: When she told a version of the events — again, without the satisfying telling-off of the autograph-seeker — to V magazine in 2013, it was picked up by blogs, mostly with headlines highlighting the gay-bashing. The story was told differently by Winona to V, so it makes sense that the reaction was different. But I think it has something to do with our cultural brain, too, so currently trained on female empowerment.

And it also says something possibly upsetting about me that I spent an entire day trying to debunk or at least verify a feminist-feeling meme, one that affirms my beliefs and values, only in the end to find it’s mostly a real quote.

*P.S.: Actually, Winona seems to have first publicly told a version of the story, but again with less flair, to the reporter Jenny Allen for Life magazine, for its December 1994 issue, which is not available in the NYPL, or on Google Books archives, on Nexis, or from the Time Inc. site, and was curiously missing from this site for ordering archival copies.

It’s also not in the Columbia archives or at the New-York Historical Society, and there is no copy at NYU’s Fales Library (for which I obtained an alumni card and used the once-yearly free pass it grants me to gain entrance). At Fales, the librarian suggested that the issue was available in the university’s online archives, and while the pages of the December 1994 issue are indeed scanned and available for reference, the lone pages missing are the pages on which the story appears! (Thank you to our interns for help with this very suspicious intel.)

Calls and emails to Time Inc. were not returned. I ordered a copy on Amazon, but it sat at a shipping center in Staten Island, then moved to one in Jersey City, and as of press time had yet to arrive at the New York offices in Manhattan. I considered calling writer Jenny Allen’s agent, Ben Izzo, to see if he could dig up this 23-year-old story for virtually no reason, but stopped short. I have to live my life!

(Also, this is anticlimactic, but for now, I think winona-ryder.org has earned our trust: You can read what looks to be a copy of the Life story here.)

27 Feb 20:55

the Leap Day employee finally gets her birthday off this year

by Ask a Manager
Lisa G

Leap day employee finally gets her bday off this year! Oh. This update sucks...

It’s Leap Day on Saturday, and that means we must revisit this letter (and its update) about an employee born on Leap Day who isn’t allowed to have her birthday off except every four years.

Telling an employee born on Leap Day she can’t have her birthday off (the original)

One of the perks provided by my workplace is a paid day off on your birthday (or the day after if it falls on a weekend or holiday) provided by the firm and not taken from your own vacation days, and a gift card which works at several restaurants in our city. Once a month, a cake is also provided at lunch for everyone as an acknowledgement of everyone who has a birthday that month.

There is an employee on my team who was born in a leap year on February 29. Since she only has a birthday every four years, she does not get a day off or a gift card and is not one of the people the cake acknowledges. She has complained about this and is trying to push back so she is included.

The firm doesn’t single out or publicly name anyone that has a birthday. People take the day off and that is it, nothing is said. The gift card is quietly enclosed with their pay stub. The cake is put in the lunchroom without fanfare for anyone that wants some. There is no email or card that goes around and no celebrating at work. If there was I could see her point, but since everything is done quietly/privately, she is not losing out on anything. My manager feels her complaints are petty and she needs to be more professional. I agree with him.

She has only worked here for two years and was hired straight out of university. I want to tell her that she should be focusing on work issues and not something as small as a birthday. If she had a complaint about a work issue it would be different. How do I frame my discussion with her without making her feel bad or like she is trouble? Her work is good and I am sure the complaint is just borne of inexperience and I don’t want to penalize her for it.

What?! She doesn’t only have a birthday every four years — she has one every year like everyone else. (Surely you don’t believe that she only advances in age every four years, right?) She might need to celebrate her birthday on February 28 or March 1 in non-leap years, but it’s not true that she doesn’t have a birthday and it’s absolutely unfair and wrong for your office to give her fewer days off than other people because of this. She should get the day off, she should get the gift card, and she should be acknowledged with the other birthdays at the same time.

It makes no sense to demoralize someone over something so easily fixed, and it’s very odd that you and your manager are digging in your heels on this. It’s not about her being inexperienced or petty, and it’s alarming that you and your manager think that! This is about you and your manager not looking logically at what you’re doing (and, frankly, being petty yourselves). You two are wrong, she is right, and you should remedy this and apologize to her for mishandling it.

And the update (originally here):

I just wanted to give an update and to clarify a few things. I am the employee’s manager. For some reason some people in the comments thought I was a “coworker” or “team lead.” 

One person guessed I was not American. I don’t know why they were jumped all over but they were correct. I am Canadian. I live and work outside of North America.

Some people mentioned Jehovah’s Witnesses and not being allowed to celebrate birthdays and the legality of this in the comments. This is not relevant to the situation with my employee. Also, it is considered a cult here and is banned. No one who works here is a Jehovah’s Witness.

People seemed to be unclear on the policy even though I stated it. Employees must take their birthday off. This is mandatory and not voluntary. They are paid and don’t have use their own time off. If their birthday falls on a weekend or holiday, they get the first working day off. There is no changing the date. They must take their actual birthday or the first working day back (in case of a weekend or holiday). People love the policy and no one complains about the mandatory day off or the gift card.

She had worked here for 2 years. She did get her birthday off in 2016 as it was a leap year. She did not get a day off in 2017 as it is not a leap year and didn’t get this year either. If she is still employed here in 2020 she will get a Monday off as the 29th of February is on a Saturday. This is in line with the policy. Some of the comments were confused about whether she ever had a birthday off.

The firm is not doing anything illegal by the laws here. She would have no legal case at all and if she quit she will not be able to get unemployment. She is not job hunting. She has known about the birthday policy since February of 2016 and has been bringing it up ever since. She has complained but has not looked for another job (the market is niche and specialized). Morale is high at the firm. Turnover among employees is low. Many people want to work here. Aside from this one issue she is a good worker and would be given an excellent reference if she decides to look elsewhere in the future.

Alison here. I don’t usually add anything of my own on to updates, but I want to state for the record that this is insane.

the Leap Day employee finally gets her birthday off this year was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

21 Feb 16:23

Six Reasons Horseshoe Crabs are Better Lovers than You

Lisa G

This was a linked article on one of the 2018 TOR shares.

By Emily DeLanzo, Park Ranger at Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge

Mating horseshoe crabs by Gregory Breese/USFWS

Gadgets and gizmos a plenty — at least in terms of evolutionary adaptations and behavior — horseshoe crabs often scutter their way onto shores up and down the Atlantic Coast and into our hearts. The Atlantic horseshoe crab, one of four species of these special marine arthropods, play a vital role in ecosystems along the eastern coastline of the United States and in several National Wildlife Refuges.

Although horseshoe crabs live most of their lives unseen deep underwater, these creatures emerge in droves during full and new moons on shorelines in states like Florida and Delaware for mating season to lay hundreds of thousands of eggs to ensure this long-lasting species’ existence for future generations.

It’s no surprise that through millennia of survival horseshoe crabs have perfected partnership so here’s six reasons why horseshoe crabs may not slide into your DMs but right into your heart and be better lovers than you.

Horseshoe Crab by Emily DeLanzo/USFWS

Often called “living fossils,” horseshoe crab ancestors can traced back through the geologic record to around 445 million years ago, 200 million years before dinosaurs existed.

2. Horseshoe Crabs have 10 eyes so they see ~*EvErYtHiNg~*~

Despite their hard and tank-like exterior, horseshoe crabs are extremely sensitive creatures, at least towards stimuli like light. These marine arthropods have ten eyes — a pair of compound eyes on their front shell and “photoreceptors” in other areas, primarily along the tail…so you know what that means.

Volunteer Steve Dunn/USFWS

Horseshoe crabs are actually not true crabs at all, being more closely related to arachnids (a group that includes spiders and scorpions) than to crustaceans (a group that includes true crabs, lobsters, and shrimp).

Volunteer Steve Dunn/USFWS

During early summer months, horseshoe crabs come to shore by the droves to bump and grind their way into securing the good of their species for future generations through massive orgies.

Emily DeLanzo and Horseshoe Crabs by Charlie DeVoe/USFWS

5. They have WAY more children. Like overwhelmingly so.

During spawning, the female crab partially buries herself in the sand while she deposits a cluster of about 4,000 tiny green eggs. In an evening of egg laying, a female crab can lay several egg clusters, and she may spawn repeatedly over several nights to lay 100,000 or more eggs.

6. Horseshoe Crabs are very, very……patient.

During mating season, male horseshoe crabs will wait near beaches for their ladies. Once united, the smaller male crab attaches himself to the top of the larger female’s shell by using his specialized front claws, and together they crawl to the beach. Nicholas Sparks couldn’t write a more romantic ending.

Can’t get enough of Horseshoe Crabs? Neither can shorebirds!

In addition to the horseshoe crabs at Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge, there are horseshoe crab populations up and down the coast. The largest population of horseshoe crabs in the world is found in Delaware Bay.

During the spawning season, many eggs are exposed to the beach surface by wave action and the digging action of mating crabs. Once an egg is exposed to air, it can dry out quickly, preventing it from hatching; however, it still plays a vital role in the ecosystem. These exposed eggs are the primary food source for migrating shorebirds making the journey from South America to the Arctic along the Atlantic Flyway.

Photo: Gregory Breese/USFWS
Photo: Gregory Breese/USFWS
21 Feb 15:27

We Compared Our Instagram Explore Pages, With Deeply Creepy Results

by Slate Staff
Lisa G

Sharing more because I want to know about your IG discover feeds. What you getting? Basically mine is only couples from the Bachelor which is very embarrassing/accurate but then other celeb content that I DGAF about.

06 Feb 18:34

This Screenshot of a Woman Canceling on Her Date at the Last Minute Is “the Dress” of Social Interactions

by Slate Staff
Lisa G

I think a bunch of us saw this on TW last week. I like the way slate is characterizing this. I think she's the asshole.

“You can truly dodge a bullet with men by inquiring to reschedule a first date day of and seeing how they respond."
03 Feb 23:08

The BCC Switcheroo Is Simply the Pinnacle of Modern Courtesy

by Dan Kois
Lisa G

"You are the Emperor of Etiquette. You have struck a blow against the entropy of the universe and the chaos of the un-zeroed inbox."

Is there any feat of modern manners more satisfying than smoothly conveying someone from CC to BCC?
26 Jan 17:13

Hairy, Potbellied Mermen Are Taking on the Busty-Women-in-Bikinis Genre in Canada

by Brian Barth
Lisa G

autoshare

21 Jan 02:17

true-me-snafu: andywarnercomics: In honor of Day of the Dead,...

Lisa G

Another Cary share. Great find!









true-me-snafu:

andywarnercomics:

In honor of Day of the Dead, here’s a repost of my comic about the San Francisco Columbarium and the man who spent 26 years restoring it.

This comic originally appeared on Medium at The Nib. Go check out my other work there.

Emmitt and the Columbarium.

08 Jan 21:55

Fran Drescher Developing ‘The Nanny’ Musical for Broadway

Lisa G

This is my shit. #nojudgies

The songwriting team behind the musical comedy “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” will write the score.

Fran Drescher, left, with Charles Shaughnessy and Lauren Lane, in a still from  “The Nanny.” A Broadway show based on the series is in the works.
Fran Drescher, left, with Charles Shaughnessy and Lauren Lane, in a still from  “The Nanny.” A Broadway show based on the series is in the works.Credit...CBS

Fran Drescher, the creator and star of one of the most beloved sitcoms of the ’90s, is developing “The Nanny” into a musical bound for Broadway, the production announced on Wednesday.

The TV show aired for six seasons, from 1993-1999. The nanny — Fran Fine, an over-the-top Queens native who arrives on the doorstep of a Manhattan family that happens to be looking for help — was partly based on Drescher’s own Queens upbringing.

The team behind the CW musical comedy “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” will be crafting the show’s score. Rachel Bloom, who created and stars in the CW series, will write the music and lyrics for stage with Adam Schlesinger, the show’s executive music producer. The pair won an Emmy Award last year for outstanding original music and lyrics on the show.

Though more and more films are being adapted to the stage, TV series rarely get the same treatment. “The Nanny” would join a slim list that includes “SpongeBob SquarePants: The Broadway Musical,” which opened in 2017, and “The Addams Family” from 2010.

Drescher will write the book with Peter Marc Jacobson, who created and wrote the show with Drescher, who was his wife at the time. The cast has not been decided yet, the show said, but Drescher will not be reprising her role.

Scott and Brian Zeilinger, the father-son producing duo whose shows include “Dear Evan Hansen” and “Mean Girls," are also signed on. Marc Bruni (“Beautiful: The Carole King Musical”) will direct.

The show has not yet announced a production schedule.

02 Jan 18:52

Medical Students Regularly Practice Nonconsensual Pelvic Exams on Unconscious Patients. Should They?

Lisa G

Per my TW chat with Steve. I'm floored that this happens. And that no one knows about it.

In 2016, Katie* had just started her first clinical rotation for the Yale School of Medicine. For six weeks, she would work in Bridgeport Hospital’s ob-gyn department, during which time she’d be shepherded in and out of operating rooms by residents and attending physicians. Katie, then 28, rarely met patients before their surgeries. Instead, the third-year student would often show up at an operating room, where the female patient was already unconscious, and observe or perform whatever maneuver her superiors requested. (She remembers once asking if she could pre-round on patients before surgery in order to introduce herself. She was told no.)

Katie once performed a pelvic exam on a woman who was under anesthesia. This involves placing two fingers into the vagina while a second hand is placed on the patient’s abdomen to feel for ovaries, masses, and uterine mobility. Pelvic exams, a regular part of gynecological visits, are necessary before gynecological surgery, as they allow physicians to examine anatomy before performing procedures like hysterectomies and fibroid removals. At teaching hospitals, where medical students are involved in patient care, students regularly perform these exams for educational training. They’re often the third or fourth person to conduct the procedure, after an attending physician and one or two residents. Katie had not met the female patient before she inserted her fingers into her vagina. She didn’t know if the patient even knew she was in the room. “I’m certain [she] did not give consent,” Katie says now, three years later. “I would be shocked if the [resident or attending] got it on my behalf.”

This spring, ELLE conducted a survey of 101 medical students from seven major American medical schools. Ninety-two percent reported performing a pelvic exam on an anesthetized female patient. Of that group, 61 percent reported performing this procedure without explicit patient consent. At most university-affiliated hospitals, patients sign consent forms that vaguely allude to medical students’ involvement in “their care,” language that protects the hospitals from liability. At New York–Presbyterian Hospital, the primary hospital affiliated with Columbia University Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons, patients sign a consent form stating that “other practitioners may assist with the procedure(s) as necessary, and may perform important tasks related to the surgery.” Medical students are not, legally, “other practitioners,” and thus are not included in their consent form at all.

In our survey, some students responded extensively about their experiences with exams under anesthesia (EUAs), writing paragraphs and, in one instance, even pages. They want the educational benefits; they feel uneasy with hospital norms; they advocate for one position before undermining it in the next breath. A minority, 11 percent, are extremely uncomfortable with the practice. Of the students who’d performed the exam, 49 percent had not met patients before performing the procedure. Nearly a third of respondents admitted they hadn’t read their hospital’s consent forms.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ opinion is that “pelvic examinations on an anesthetized woman that offer her no personal benefit and are performed solely for teaching purposes should be performed only with her specific informed consent obtained before her surgery.” And, according to ACOG, “informed consent should be looked on as a process rather than a signature on a form.”

At Harvard Medical School, students on their ob-gyn rotation perform about five pelvic exams on unconscious women during a six-week rotation. With a class size around 165, as many as 825 pelvic exams are conducted by Harvard students on anesthetized women annually. “It’s a standard consent form, not very specific,” says one student. “And I think it’s resident-dependent on how much the EUA is explained.” When she’s been present, the EUA has not been explained.

Eight states (California, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Maryland, Oregon, Utah, and Virginia) have outlawed nonconsensual pelvic exams, and last week, New York state passed legislation to make it the ninth. In March, assemblywoman Michaelle Solages (D–Nassau) and state senator Roxanne Persaud (D–Brooklyn) introduced the bill. When Solages gave birth at a Long Island teaching hospital last fall, she was put under anesthesia during labor complications. When the bill came across her desk, she realized it was impossible to confirm it hadn’t happened to her. EUAs are not recorded. The legislation will outlaw the practice in New York and require hospitals to document these educational exams when patients do consent.

Since the March announcement, her constituents have emailed her, called her, and stopped her on the street to express their horror. Some are survivors of sexual assault and abuse. “They don’t want to give consent [to students], and we need to respect that,” Solages says. “Women should have control over their bodies.”

The idea of medical students performing nonconsensual pelvic exams on women under anesthesia shocks people outside of medicine. Inside medicine, most view it as routine. “The patients have no way of finding out what happened during their procedure, and they’ll come out none the wiser,” says Donna*, a fourth-year Yale student. “It felt a little weird that I was doing this on somebody anesthetized, but it was the best opportunity I had to practice.”

Katie and I are sitting in a third-floor classroom at the Yale School of Medicine, where she’s halfway through her MD/PhD program. I added an MD to my name in May, and started an emergency medicine residency here this month. Our progress should be cause for celebration, but our education thus far has been filled with discomfort. Our understanding of consent and bodily autonomy hasn’t yet filtered into the medical community we’re joining. Katie, now 31, has a big laugh, a beaming smile, and a fierce ethical code. She’s a survivor of sexual violence and has worked in grassroots reproductive-rights advocacy. Still, she performed that pelvic exam in 2016.

As medical students, we’ve been taught to depersonalize a host of otherwise unnatural experiences. We watch as chests are sawed open, cradle beating hearts in our hands. Private mysteries of life are unraveled and splayed naked before us. To accommodate the strangeness, we’re taught to approach patients dispassionately, taught to view them dissected. The abdominal exam, the same as the neurological exam, the same as the pelvic exam. Don’t make it weird. We’re doctors.

The night after his last day on a one-week urology rotation at New York–Presbyterian Hospital, Dominic* felt sick to his stomach. “Holy shit,” he thought. “I feel like I just sexually assaulted a patient.” He was a third-year student at Columbia University’s medical school, and he’d been given a list of tasks to complete during the week. Halfway through, during a meeting with his clerkship director, it became clear that some of the students had not yet performed a prostate exam.

She told them, “Come in at 11:15. Then you can check this off.”

When Dominic and a classmate arrived, the patient—an elderly man—was already under anesthesia. He was likely receiving a prostate reduction or removal, but no one ever explained the procedure to Dominic or told him the man’s name. Dominic scrubbed his hands clean. Then he and the other student performed prostate exams, one after the other. Then Dominic left. He thinks it’s possible that five or six other students performed the same maneuver, on the same man. “I felt like we had just done something really, really sneaky,” he thought afterward. “That I had to violate a patient’s bodily autonomy in order to check off a requirement for a pass/fail one-week rotation is absurd.”

Many trainees view EUAs (both pelvic and prostate) as integral to their clinical education and extremely appropriate. Others, like Katie and Dominic, remain appalled. Dominic would “absolutely not” allow medical students to perform prostate exams on him if he were ever anesthetized for prostate surgery. “It feels very dehumanizing,” he says, to be made into a teaching tool without your say. Last year, a group of students starting their Columbia urology rotation asked him for tips. “Yeah,” Dominic said, “don’t assault anybody.” (Columbia University has not responded to requests for comment.)

Unfortunately, medical students can’t always say no. In our survey, nearly one-third of the respondents felt unable to opt out of performing these exams. Since supervising residents and attending physicians write evaluations, students fear jeopardizing grades and future careers. “I tried to opt out once from doing a pelvic exam when I hadn’t met the patient beforehand,” says one senior Yale student. “The resident told me no.” At the University of Michigan Medical School, “they taught us it was important to ask forgiveness and not permission,” says another student. For one at Brown University’s Warren Alpert Medical School, the pressure was also social. She describes EUAs as a ritual: “Everyone’s gloves were handed out, then lubrication was put on those gloves in succession,” she says. “In the moment, I felt like I was being accepted into the ob-gyn culture.” (Yale and Brown have not responded to requests for comment. Harvard stands by its consent policy.)

When Phoebe Friesen, a former ethical adviser to New York medical students, first heard about EUAs, she was horrified. But when she broached the subject with faculty, she was told that as a nonphysician, she’d never understand what was necessary for students to learn. She was told she was overreacting. “There is no scandal,” echoed one student from the Washington University School of Medicine, who insisted that current consent processes are effective. “Poorly informed activists and media outlets are seeking to invent one.” Individuals in the medical field are understandably defensive. They’re just doing their jobs, and medically, pelvic exams before surgery are crucial. In our survey, many students reasoned that since patients are at teaching hospitals, they understand students will be involved in their care. “There’s a degree of implied consent,” says another Washington University student. But Katie refutes that logic. “Many patients don’t even know what an academic medical center is,” she says. “And when patients are taken by ambulance, they may have no choice in where they go. They’re taken to the nearest hospital.” (For example, of the 15 facilities where Harvard Medical School students complete clinical rotations, none reference Harvard by name, since the university doesn’t own or operate any of them. They are, nonetheless, teaching hospitals.)

In a 2010 Canadian study, only 19 percent of women reported awareness that medical students might perform pelvic examinations on them during surgery. “The vast majority of women say, ‘I do care; you should ask me,’” says Friesen, who’s been writing about the topic for the last five years, now in her role as a University of Oxford bioethicist. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in three women in the United States have experienced sexual violence. Medical care does not exist in a vacuum. When students are not taught to ask—or taught not to ask—patients for permission, it instills entitlement to enter the body.

Conscious patients can decline educational exams, and that right should continue to be enforced under anesthesia. According to the 2010 study, 72 percent of women expect to be asked for permission before an EUA. If patients are not aware that medical students will be performing exams on them, they have not provided consent. So although the examiner may find a pelvic exam impersonal and trivial, patients may not, and the violation is theirs to bear.

There are easy fixes to this situation. Some schools are changing their standards, like the University of Michigan, which earlier this year implemented a new policy requiring medical students to meet patients before performing pelvic EUAs, and requiring doctors to explain student involvement. The same Canadian study also found that a majority of women (62 percent) would agree to educational EUAs if asked. Assemblywoman Solages would do so herself. “We want to encourage the next generation of medical and health-care professionals,” she says. “But at the end of the day, consent is just right.”

When I walk into the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Providence, Rhode Island, to interview Cheylsea Federle, I can’t help but grin. Federle, the organization’s education and training coordinator, has a blond shoulder-length lob and a disarming smile. Beside her is a crystal bowl brimming with a Skittles-colored array of condoms and dental dams, and next to that, a fabric puppet of a vulva, anatomically complete with a button clitoris. A few times a year in her role as a gynecological teaching associate (GTA), Federle instructs Brown University medical students on how to perform pelvic exams, using her body as a textbook. She’s thrilled to show students her cervix. “If you don’t feel it, keep going,” she encourages students. “I let them know: ‘Take your time; I’m good!’ ”

Within medical schools, GTAs are commonly hired to teach pelvic and urogenital exams to students before they begin clinical rotations. Many, like Federle, are intentional about teaching students to be mindful of power dynamics. Doctors often seem inaccessible and busy, she says, and patients assume they’re not supposed to ask questions or request adjustments. GTAs show students what it looks like—and how appropriate it is—when patients actively participate. “There’s so much value to getting real-time responses,” says Maric Brandi, a Boston-based sex educator. “What I teach is maybe 50 to 60 percent anatomy and physiology, and closer to 40 percent how to take care of your patient and how not to accidentally be weird when you’re doing a pelvic exam.” Brandi cites studies demonstrating that students who train with GTAs before rotations are more skilled: “They talk to patients more easily, and they tend to give more comfortable, relaxed, and pain-free exams.”

But students change between the convocation and commencement of medical school. There is a cost to gaining a white coat. One student referred to her justification of hospital norms as “Stockholm Syndrome setting in.” A 2003 study of Philadelphia medical students found that trainees who had completed an ob-gyn rotation viewed consent as significantly less important than those who hadn’t yet done so (51 percent, compared to 70 percent). This transformation doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s learned; it’s taught. When Donna was turned away by a patient during a preoperative meeting, her Yale resident pulled her aside. “They don’t have the choice,” he told her. “You have the right to be there.” At Yale’s affiliated hospitals, pelvic EUAs without consent are still legal. “The inability to understand that a third of women have been victims of sexual violence, the inability to think about that and respect that, is unbelievable,” Katie says. “It is unbelievable that it’s 2019 and this is something we’re talking about.”

*Names have been changed.

This article will appear in the August 2019 issue of ELLE.

After the online publication of this piece, the Yale School of Medicine sent us the following statement: “It is our practice to obtain consent from our patients at the preoperative visit with the gynecologist. The preoperative consultation provides an opportunity for the gynecologist to discuss the planned procedure and to explain the involvement of the team members who will be involved in the procedure. Additionally, all consent forms contain specific language explaining the involvement of trainees in the decision making and procedural process."