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Why Kamala Harris congratulated a Cy-Fair ISD school board winner for breaking a conservative majority
‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia
Australian researchers identified a new species of native bee with tiny horn-like projections on the female’s face, prompting comparisons to a Satanic figure. What do you think?

“Why do people see little horns and leap to ‘devil’ instead of ‘juvenile gazelle?’”
Andre Livingston, Tortilla Presser

“This is making me insecure about my horns.”
Prudence Cole, Lecture Auditor

“Huh. I didn’t realize bees had started a war against heaven.”
Glen Begley, Uplighting Specialist
The post ‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia appeared first on The Onion.
Emails reveal Epstein’s network of the rich and powerful despite sex offender status
‘No one enters, no one leaves.’ Protesters block main entrance to COP30 climate talks in Brazil
Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple
The post Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple appeared first on The Onion.
A bipartisan group of former FCC commissioners wants to take away Brendan Carr’s biggest weapon against journalism
Brendan Carr shouldn’t be able to do what he’s been doing at the Federal Communications Commission. That’s the argument put forth by seven former FCC commissioners — five of them Republicans — after seeing Carr dig up a rarely used old policy to twist the media toward Donald Trump’s political interests.
The policy in question goes by the name of “news distortion,” and these commissioners say Carr is using it unconstitutionally:
The Supreme Court has “many times held, in many contexts, that it is no job for government to decide what counts as the right balance of private expression — to ‘un-bias’ what it thinks biased, rather than to leave such judgments to speakers and their audiences.” Nor does government have any “power to restrict expression because of its message, its ideas, its subject matter, or its content.” Even false speech is protected by the First Amendment. TheCommunications Act similarly denies “the Commission the power of censorship” or the ability to “interfere with the right of free speech.” Yet the current FCC Chairman has asserted the power todo precisely what the Supreme Court and Congress have forbidden, and what former FCC general counsel declared the agency could not do: “act as a self-appointed, free-roving arbiter of truth in journalism.”To achieve this, Chairman Carr has invoked the news distortion policy and the public interest obligations of broadcasters. We ask the Commission to rescind the news distortion policy and affirm that the agency cannot police broadcaster licensees’ speech for bias or the falsity of the speech they carry, except under the exceedingly narrow circumstances of the broadcast hoax rule.
Carr has been more than happy to use the idea of news distortion as a cudgel against Trump critics, as The Washington Post reminds us:
After Carr assumed the FCC chairmanship in January, he reopened a months-old complaint from the Center for American Rights, a conservative legal organization, filed in October 2024 against CBS stations carrying the “60 Minutes” interview with Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris, claiming it had been misleadingly edited. Carr also reopened a complaint against ABC over presidential debate moderation. FCC staff had previously dismissed both cases under the prior administration.Trump sued CBS News over the Harris interview and settled out of court for $16 million as parent company Paramount sought regulatory approval for its deal to merge with David Ellison’s firm Skydance. The FCC approved the $8 billion deal in July.
Carr publicly accused NBC and parent company Comcast of news distortion over its coverage of Kilmar Abrego García’s wrongful deportation from the United States. Carr accused Abrego García of being a gang member, which he has denied and the administration has not been able to substantiate. “Comcast knows that federal law requires its licensed operations to serve the public interest,” he posted on X. “News distortion doesn’t cut it.”
In September, Carr cited the policy when he threatened ABC and parent company Walt Disney Co. over late-night host Jimmy Kimmel’s comments about the killing of right-wing influencer Charlie Kirk. “We have a rule on the book that interprets the public interest standard that says news distortion is prohibited,” he said on a podcast before adding, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way.” Later that day, television affiliate owners Nexstar and Sinclair said they would preempt “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” before ABC pulled Kimmel off the air; he returned one week later.
So what is the news distortion policy? For an ironic look, check out this 2019 paper by Joel Timmer of Texas Christian University, which lays out the history. Timmer presciently cites the news distortion policy — which dates to 1949, a somewhat different time for media — as a tool a pro-Trump FCC might use to attack its perceived enemies in the press. It’s not a regulation; it’s a general policy that evolved “through the adjudicatory process in decisions resolving challenges to broadcasters’ licenses.” Citing earlier work by Chad Raphael, he lays out what that evolved definition of “news distortion” entails:
First, there must be an accusation of deliberate intent to distort the news or mislead the audience. Audience complaints of inaccuracy or disagreement with the broadcaster’s legitimate editorial choices are not enough to trigger FCC scrutiny.Second, the accusation must be supported by evidence extrinsic to the broadcast itself. Otherwise, the FCC will not inquire into “a dispute as to the truth of the event (i.e., a claim that the true facts of the incident are different from those presented)…
Third, this evidence must show that the distortion was initiated by or known to the licensee or to “its principals, top management or news management.”
Fourth, distortion must involve a significant event, rather than an incidental part of the news. The FCC will not inquire into “inaccurate embellishments concerning peripheral aspects [of reports or] attempts at window dressing which concerned the manner of presenting the news [when] the essential facts of the news stories to which these presentational devices related were…broadcast in an accurate manner.”
In short, “The real criterion is whether the public is deceived about a matter of significance.”
So how has this policy been enforced? Over its first 70-plus years, it was only invoked in eight cases. In three of those cases, the FCC simply wrote a letter of reprimand. In two others, the “distortion” combined with multiple other infractions led the FCC to make a station’s next license renewal have a shorter term than usual, so it would be up for approval again more quickly. In the other three, distortion was only one of multiple infractions that led to a station losing its license.
What were those three cases? Two were the fault of 1970s shock jocks. A Miami station decided to promote its newest disc jockey by falsely claiming that he’d had a bad trip, had gone missing, and was now wandering the streets of Miami, disoriented. They “reported” made-up updates about his disappearance in the middle of their real newscasts, leading area residents to lead real search efforts. Another came when a Tucson radio station decided to do something similar, staging a “kidnapping” of a DJ and, again, reporting it as real news for days on end. The third involved the owner of several Indiana radio stations who “had directed news personnel to mention only positive news regarding senate candidates he favored, and to report only negative news about one of his favored candidate’s opponents.”
In all three cases, the “news distortion” finding was only a small part of a longer list of offenses that led to the license non-renewal. (These WKRP-esque stations also seem somewhat different from 60 Minutes? But maybe that’s just me.)
The irony I mentioned earlier? In his paper, Timmer was pretty convinced that “news distortion” claims were so “very difficult [to prove] and uncommon” that they were unlikely to be of any use by even a Trump-run FCC.
As the foregoing analysis establishes, the FCC’s ability to take action against news organizations that allegedly provide fake news is extremely limited…Even then, false news stories on broadcast media are provided a significant degree of protection by the First Amendment, in that their falsity alone cannot be the basis for sanctioning them. Instead, the false statements must be combined with some other element or elements — such as knowledge, intent or harm — that narrows the reach of actions against false speech. Both the news distortion policy and the broadcast hoax rule contain such narrowing elements. While these narrowing elements make it likely the rules would survive constitutional challenge, they also significantly limit the applicability of those rules to more extreme situations…Trump has the First Amendment right to respond to speech he does not like. At the same time, however, the First Amendment prevents him from using the power of the government to punish speech based solely on his dislike of it, or his belief that it’s “fake.” As Justice Alito observed in Alvarez, “Allowing the state to proscribe false statements…opens the door for the state to use its power for political ends.” Thus, an allegation that a news story is “fake” is not sufficient for the FCC to take action against it. Both the news distortion policy and broadcast hoax rule require several elements, in addition to falsity, to be present for the government to sanction allegedly false news reports, thereby limiting the potential for the government to abuse its power in this area.
Ah, to live in the world Timmer sketches out here — one where FCC actions originate in commissioner votes instead of podcast appearances; where news companies can be expected to pursue their due process rights rather than write a convenient check; where courts could be expected to step in before First Amendment harm is done. Sounds nice.
Oh when the saints Come marching in Oh when the...
Oh when the saints
Come marching in
Oh when the saints come marching in
Well I sure wouldn't want to be a bad guy
When the phantom marches in! #CowboyWho
The New Mexico Files: El Dorado Supermart
At Barton Springs, Trans Existence Becomes Resistance
On a stone slab by the cold waters of Austin’s Barton Springs, transgender Texans celebrate existence. Against the best efforts of the state, they’re still here, laughing and swimming in the heat of a late-August afternoon.
Each year, nearly 800,000 people pay a small admission fee to pass through the gates of the capital city’s spring-fed treasure. Inside, visitors plunge into the pool, which stays between 68 and 74 degrees year-round, then lounge on the grassy hillsides that surround it.
That summer day, though, we weren’t within the manicured grounds of the official swimming hole but beyond its boundaries, on its spillway, where there are few rules and fewer lifeguards. This is the “free side.” A pink-, blue-, and white-striped Pride flag hung from the fence dividing us from the paying crowd. Water splashed out of the pool and back into the springs themselves, past a cement wall splattered with graffiti chaos. The sounds of rambunctious dogs, allowed on this side, mingled with 2010s hits (“Born This Way,” “We Are Young”) from a large Bluetooth sound system, perched precariously at the water’s edge.

It had briefly stormed earlier, recalled Eden, one of the organizers of this Barton Springs “takeover.” But right as the event’s 2 p.m. start time approached, “The sun came out and people started showing up.”
It was a typical afternoon at the springs: a day for paddleboards, for sharing beer and weed, for filling a grill with sizzling burgers and dogs. In many ways, it was a throwback to an older Austin, before tech money accelerated the pace of slacker life. But the reason for this particular gathering was anything but the typical harmonious vibes of the spillway.
Five weeks prior, on a similar afternoon, three men’s verbal harassment of a group of women had turned to transphobic slurs and physical violence, according to interviews and a video of the incident posted to Reddit. A Good Samaritan, a young single father who’d gotten to know the women that afternoon, ended up in the hospital when he tried to step in to protect them and took a punch to the jaw for his efforts. (In mid-September, police issued arrest warrants for two men in connection with the assault.)
Eden, who requested partial anonymity, is part of Trans River Day, an informal group that usually organizes mass gatherings in San Marcos. This time, the group had brought its event to Austin to show that trans people wouldn’t be intimidated from enjoying the same cool waters as everyone else. “We will protect each other,” she said.
But it wasn’t just trans people looking out for each other. Eden told me that a free-side regular named Tim had approached and given her a beer, saying he’d been keeping an eye on the group “to make sure no one gave you any trouble.”
Eden estimated that about 100 trans, nonbinary, or gender-nonconforming people stopped by. “Everyone is having the best day.”
Sometime between the violent attack and that calm August afternoon, someone had repainted part of the graffiti wall with the words “Protect Trans Joy” in stark, fresh black letters on a white background. All across the stone slab, LGBTQ+ folks sat in clusters, talking and dipping in and out of the water together. There were colorful swimsuits and dark black gothic beachwear, trans women topless and in bikinis, and shirtless trans men with their top surgery scars on display. Happy people who use every pronoun and none at all.
One group was sharing snacks on a red checkered blanket until its owner came to collect it. “Sorry, sir, ma’am. I need this blanket back.” He then apologized for not asking about pronouns first, sparking a playful discussion of gender-neutral alternatives. “How about ‘chef’?” suggested one person as the group stood up.
“Yes, chef,” said the blanket’s owner. More laughter. Then the weekly drum circle began in the park.

Clouds gathered again as the sun started to set, and cisgender and trans folks alike wandered off to catch a rhythm together. Before leaving, I stopped to talk with two more participants, Jenna Madden and Aofi Ortega. Madden expressed a common sentiment I’d heard from others, including Eden: “Trans visibility is important, but also trans people deserve to have fun.” Ortega called the day “beautiful” and said she wished there were one every month.
“It’s such a beautiful culture,” she added, a hint of sadness in her voice as the day came to an end. “I really, really truly love my friends, and I wish that more people were willing to be friends with them.”
The post At Barton Springs, Trans Existence Becomes Resistance appeared first on The Texas Observer.
Autumn eludes Houston over the next several days with near record warmth early next week
In brief: Near record high temperatures will settle in over Houston, along with a burst of high humidity early next week. Our next front is penciled in for Thursday, with a good chance of much needed thunderstorms showing up in the current forecast.
Bush Airport hit 83° yesterday, 3 off the record of 86° set 20 years ago. Today’s record of 89° looks pretty safe as well. But get used to these low to mid-80s because they’re going to be with us over the next 5 or 6 days.
Today through Sunday
The next three days will be cut from the same cloth. Expect sun, some clouds (especially in the morning, along with perhaps some patchy fog), and warm, humid conditions. We’ll probably do low to mid-80s today and tomorrow and more firm mid-80s on Sunday. An isolated sprinkle or two can’t be entirely ruled out, as well as some drizzle in areas with morning fog. I’m mainly mentioning that because we don’t want to be told that we mist the forecast.
Monday and Tuesday
We really dig in on the humidity here. That may be the only thing that prevents us from hitting the upper-90s. Gulf moisture starts to pool over the area, allowing dewpoints to push closer to 70° at times, while precipitable water, or the amount of available moisture in the atmosphere goes from about 1 inch or so on Sunday to 1 to 1.5 inches Monday to 1.5 to 1.75 inches Tuesday.

More humid air heats up slower than dry air, so there’s probably a functional limit to how warm we can realistically get Monday and Tuesday. Some model guidance is very bullish, pushing us close to 88 degrees, but I think we’ll settle in the 84 to 86 degree range away from the coast most days, close enough to threaten or break records but not outlandishly hot for mid-November. An isolated shower is possible Monday with a slightly better chance for isolated showers on Tuesday. Most folks will remain dry, but some will see a passing shower.
Later next week
Models are settling on Thursday as cold front day next week. While this looks like a quick moving system, it does look like it will be fairly moisture-laden, which is good because we need rain. Severe drought coverage expanded from 23 percent to 35 percent in the Houston area week over week based on yesterday’s drought monitor report.
We continue to see extreme drought bubbling up west of Sealy and Wharton. So any rain will be welcome. Thursday’s front looks interesting on some model guidance in that it may have some element of severe weather risk. It’s too early to speculate much but the basic ingredients seem to be in place. Bottom line? Expect a cold front on Thursday that could perhaps be accompanied by some noisy thunderstorms and locally heavy rain. More to come.
Behind that front, much cooler weather arrives, though at this point it looks to fall short of what we saw earlier this week. Expect highs in the 60s and low 70s with lows in the 40s and 50s most likely. We will continue to fine tune things a bit. At least it will be closer to average for November.
Fundraiser
Our annual fundraiser continues, and we want to thank all that have purchased items or contributed to the site. Your support ensures that we can provide quality information year-round, in the good weather times, and in the inevitably bad weather times. For more information on how to donate or purchase merchandise, please visit this page. Thank you so much again for your support!

Has the flaking on your malformed head been steady or is it more of a…

Has the flaking on your malformed head been steady or is it more of a…
New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus
Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users “text with Jesus,” tailor spiritual guidance, and engage with faith-based characters. What do you think?

“An intermediary between me and God? What am I, a Papist?”
Laura Grigg, Kiln Supervisor

“I accept Jesus into my hard drive.”
Hakim Washington, Chess Commentator

“I’m not big on technology, but I do love false idols.”
Danny Ezzo, Needle Threader
The post New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus appeared first on The Onion.
Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee
SEATTLE—In an effort that was intended to be subtle but was clearly targeted, local cat Arlo reportedly followed pet owner Joshua Rice around his apartment Friday like a racist Walgreens employee making sure a customer wasn’t going to steal anything. “That asshole thinks he’s being discreet, but I can see him staring at me as though I just pocketed an $8 deodorant,” Rice said of the 3-year-old cat, who trailed him through the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom, peeking around corners so as not to let the man out of his sight for one minute. “I could feel him singling me out the moment I walked through the door. I took one step toward the cabinet where I keep the treats, and I saw him lurching towards me. It’s a little messed up, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t used to it.” According to reports, when Rice headed toward the exit, the cat placed one paw on his leg as if he were an irate security guard demanding a customer empty his pockets.
The post Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee appeared first on The Onion.
Timeline Of Nancy Pelosi’s Career
After decades in the House of Representatives, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced she will not seek reelection next year. The Onion looks back at the former House speaker’s life and career.
1940
Born in Baltimore with mark of the gavel on her forearm.
1961
Poses for photo with President John F. Kennedy at inaugural ball after begging dad to spring for VIP meet-and-greet passes.
1994–1997
The Lost Years.
1999
First and last time an intern gets her lunch order wrong.
2007
Remains seated during State of Union speech while George W. Bush nearly chokes to death on pretzel.
2010
Rallies House Democrats to pass legislation that controversially benefits Americans.
2019
Purposefully gives Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wrong directions to congressional hearing room.
Jan. 5, 2021
Goes to work in a shit-free office.
2023
BLM tattoo removed.
2027
Suddenly bad at stock trading.
The post Timeline Of Nancy Pelosi’s Career appeared first on The Onion.
Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop
The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt.
The post Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop appeared first on The Onion.
Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician
The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader Ben Louise correctly multiplying the denominators.
The post Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician appeared first on The Onion.
With America on My Last Fucking Nerve, I, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, Dissent
You know me as the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. Over the past three years, I’ve tried changing the system from within. I’ve written increasingly urgent court opinions. I’ve even deployed symbolism. For President Trump’s second inauguration, I wore a massive cowrie-shell collar honoring my African ancestry and the strength and ingenuity it requires to overcome America’s darkest days. Nothing gets through to you people.
In the last court term, I wrote ten dissenting opinions, more than any other justice. Have you previewed the horror show on the docket for this term? Alito just winked at me and asked if it’s too soon to joke that I don’t have the brain processing power to do this job.
Other Supreme Court justices like to pretend that we’re an apolitical group who can be friends despite our fundamental ideological differences. We bond over a shared ability to stash our humanity inside the pockets of our robes like wads of damp Kleenex. Let the record reflect: I can’t stand these people. You won’t catch me riding shotgun in Neil Gorsuch’s midlife-crisis convertible. I’m not RSVPing yes to an e-vite for dinner at Clarence and Ginni Thomas’s house.
When I was a student at Harvard, I took drama classes and even performed in an improv troupe with the corny name, On Thin Ice. Your justice has layers. Of course, my favorite musical is the hopeful reimagining of America’s birth, Hamilton. The good news is I work in the room where it happens. The bad news is the room is in hell, and Amy Coney Barrett keeps trying to touch my cowrie shells.
Do you remember the Supreme Court’s decision on Trump v. CASA? It happened months ago, so you’ve probably already suppressed it like voting rights are about to be. My conservative colleagues ruled in favor of limiting federal judges’ ability to block the president’s executive orders from going into effect across the country, even if they’re unconstitutional. Hostile reminder: Federal judges have been the only barrier between President Trump and his quest to end birthright citizenship. Until the Fourteenth Amendment established birthright citizenship, Black people weren’t considered citizens, because of a little thing called slavery. I was so freaked out by the ruling that I wrote my own dissent separate from the other liberal justices. To quote myself, this will “surely hasten the downfall of our governing institutions, enabling our collective demise.”
Uh, helllooo?
Maybe you caught my footnote where I compared our new era of unchecked presidential power to Nazi Germany.
America, are you seriously not picking up what I’m putting down? I’m old enough to remember when everyone was like “believe Black women.”
When my conservative colleagues let the president lift humanitarian parole protections for more than 500,000 migrants, I wrote that they were “rendering constraints of law irrelevant and unleashing devastation.”
Maybe you’d pay more attention if I started a Substack.
I can hear you worrying that I’m not impartial. My identity as a Black woman has heightened my empathy for marginalized groups and sensitivity to the government’s abuses of power. This is unlike white male justices who never let their racial or gender identity affect their decision-making. You might concede that this great nation was founded on a heady mix of democratic ideals, misogyny, and racism. (I would’ve thrown in white supremacy, but I know that I’m already… wait for it… On Thin Ice.)
While you realize birthright citizenship and the Voting Rights Act were once imperative to make America less racist, all that has become as unnecessary to you as affirmative action since you think we now live in a colorblind society. For proof, you look no further than the fact that I, a Black woman, get to be a Supreme Court justice in these final days of democracy.
I’ve seen it all. I’m the only Supreme Court justice in history to have previously served as a public defender. I grew up in Miami, or as I call it, the shadows of Mar-a-Lago. I eat lunch every day with Brett Kavanaugh. When I tell you this is dire, believe me.
The old mantle clock of my hero, Justice Thurgood Marshall, is displayed in my office. I know that as he looks down on me from the heavenly respite he so richly deserves, he thinks: America is still litigating voting rights? The Fourteenth Amendment? Abortion? Kentaji, what in the actual fuck?
A Supreme Court justice really is just a cog in an irreparably corrupt system. And as we listen together to his clock’s hand tick each fleeting second, we’re comforted by the knowledge that soon enough there won’t be a Supreme Court left.
How did Windows 3.1 distinguish two different programs that happened to share the same executable name?
Some time ago, I described the purpose of the icons in the moricons.dll and progman.exe icon libraries, along with a list of which programs Windows automatically associated the icons with. (moricons.dll, progman.exe).
One common problem is that multiple programs share the same executable name, so if you find an executable named MAIL.EXE, you aren’t sure whether that’s PATHWORKS Mail or cc:Mail or XcelleNet X/Mail.
What did Windows 3.1 do when it saw these ambiguous files?
It simply asked the user for help.
| Setup Applications |
|
Setup needs to know the application name for:
C:\MAIL\MAIL.EXE
Select the application name from the following list, and choose
OK, or press ENTER to continue. Microsoft Mail
PATHWORKS Mail for MS-DOS
cc:Mail for MS-DOS
XcelleNet X/Mail for MS-DOS
None of the above
OK
Cancel
Help
|
The information for this came from the APPS.INF file, the format of which is documented in the Windows Resource Kit. (It starts on page 121.)
Next time, we’ll see how Windows 95 improved on this in its application compatibility database.
The post How did Windows 3.1 distinguish two different programs that happened to share the same executable name? appeared first on The Old New Thing.
Deal to reopen the government includes ban that could hit Texas’ hemp industry
Typewriter Rodeo: The long game
Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On Google Images Tonight
BOULDER, CO—Stressing that it represented an ideal opportunity to see one of nature’s greatest wonders, scientists at the NOAA Space Weather Prediction Center confirmed Thursday that the aurora borealis would be visible on Google Images tonight. “For this entire evening, the northern lights will be observable to the naked eye simply by walking to your computer, opening up a browser, and searching the phrase ‘aurora borealis’ in Google,” said National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration spokesperson Dr. Colin Byrne, adding that the magnificent pinks, crimsons, and deep greens of the geomagnetic storm could be easily seen by looking at an iPad, a laptop, or any other device upon which Google Search is available. “While some photos may show cloud cover or appear dull and gray, the addition of search terms to read ‘northern lights amazing’ or ‘aurora borealis Iceland 4K’ will reveal the astonishing display in its full glory. If you’re still having trouble seeing things, try using your phone to take a photo of the web results. Then you can just zoom in to get a better view of this natural phenomenon.” Byrne added that this was also the perfect time of year to search for a YouTube video of the Perseids.
The post Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On Google Images Tonight appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the House Oversight Committee releasing more than 20,000 pages of documents from the estate of Jeffrey Epstein, some of which raised questions about the extent of the president’s relationship with the convicted sex offender, Donald Trump on Thursday downplayed his name appearing in Epstein’s correspondence by saying it only proved he was one of the most emailed-about men in history. “MSN, Gmail, Yahoo—my name is popping up everywhere,” said Trump, assuring journalists that a 2019 email in which Epstein claimed he “knew about the girls” did nothing but demonstrate that he had been written about in thousands upon thousands more emails than former presidents Barack Obama and Joe Biden. “Hardly an email goes by these days without a mention of Trump in it, and it’s been that way for a very long time. Barron [Trump] is fantastic at cyber, and he tells me that even the late, great Dale Earnhardt wasn’t emailed about as much as me. They’re doing CC, they’re doing BCC, and it’s all about Trump. You look around your inbox, folks, you check your spam folder, and you’ll see that I’m there, and that’s something we’re very proud of.” Trump criticized renewed calls to release the Epstein files in full, arguing they would only prove he had appeared in more photographs, videos, client lists, nondisclosure agreements, and victim testimonies than anyone else in the world.
The post Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History appeared first on The Onion.
‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation
WASHINGTON—Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined together to wail “No! Not Larry Summers!” on Thursday. “Oh please God, not Bill Clinton’s treasury secretary Larry Summers!” said visibly distraught Iowa resident Carrie Pritchard, who echoed the sentiment of all 340 million Americans upon seeing multiple emails that showed the former Harvard University president had regularly corresponded with Epstein. “I feel so lost! Who am I supposed to turn to for insight on the role of regulation in the derivatives market now? It must be some kind of mistake. Are we sure the emails weren’t from someone with a similar name? I just can’t believe a man who was once a leader at the World Bank would do something so terrible.” According to reports, the nation was soon dealt another unimaginable blow when additional emails revealed billionaire Peter Thiel had also corresponded with Epstein.
The post ‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation appeared first on The Onion.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney
Sydney Sweeney, star of the new boxing film Christy, is once again at the center of controversy after the biopic flopped at the box office. The Onion sat down with Sweeney to discuss art, dating, and handling criticism.
The Onion : How are you dealing with the backlash to your jeans ad?
Sweeney: I’m struggling with the fact that I get so much hate when Chester Cheetah can do whatever he wants.
What is your political affiliation?
Honestly, I prefer to keep my desire to make America great again private.
What’s your stance on white supremacy?
I’m okay with it if it’s done tastefully.
What’s your favorite thing about Scooter Braun?
I love how he’s always pushing me to be a worse version of myself.
What’s next for your career?
I’ll either take a short break or drive my car into a storefront.
What do you have to say to those who have recently criticized you?
Have fun in the camps.
The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney appeared first on The Onion.
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