A record 40% of American women aged 15–44 say they would like to move abroad permanently, more than twice the share of men, due to a lack of faith in national institutions stemming from Donald Trump’s presidency and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?

The post Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

NEW WESTMINSTER, B.C. – For the ninth year in a row, celebrations were held at TransLink headquarters after Metro Vancouver won the “Least Worst Public Transit” award from the International Association of Public Transport. “We take great pride in how just barely adequate public transportation is in the Metro Vancouver area,” said Kevin B. Quinn, […]

The post Vancouver wins “Least Worst Public Transit” award ninth year in a row appeared first on The Beaverton.

Everyone’s got their thing. For some, it’s baking. Others, gardening. Me? I like to take a modified Honda Accord, drive over 100 mph, and swerve between cars, almost killing entire families, babies, men, women, whoever.

That’s my thing. Gets my balls rolling. Sometimes I’ll almost kill a family by swerving in front of them at 125 mph with just barely enough room to squeeze in, and then I’ll immediately swerve all the way over to the right and get off at the exit. I could have just slowed down and changed lanes and calmly exited, not almost killing anyone, but then I wouldn’t have almost killed an innocent family, and almost killing them is what gives me something to do when I’m bored.

By the way, I’m not trying to actually kill one. That’s not my thing at all. If that’s what you’re getting from this, then I don’t know what you’re reading or how you thought that, but you’re totally off base.

My thing is that they’re thinking they might die, but really I’m just driving as fast as possible because I don’t fully understand the purpose of life. I have, like, a general sense? I know we’re supposed to have money and live somewhere, and we need to eat food, but after that, I don’t really get the rest of it.

But the one thing that really makes sense to me is coming out of nowhere in my jacked-up Honda Accord with purple lights, serving so fast in front of cars that people have mini heart attacks where they die, but it’s so fast they don’t actually have time to die, and when they come out of it, I’m already a mile away.

I’ve done this to, like, twelve families so far.

One thing I should make clear, though, is that I’m not a jerk. I don’t have to have my way. I’ll do this in a Kia Forte too. In fact, I have. My buddy has a Kia Forte, and he likes to almost kill families, too. So we’ll go out together, and sometimes we switch cars.

I don’t vote in elections. That feels relevant for some reason. I’m also not a good boyfriend. I try to be, but honestly? I don’t. She’s always saying things like “You care about your Honda Accord more than me.”

This court-ordered therapist I had to see once said I had trauma, and I was like… so? The therapist told me that I drive fast on the highway because I’m searching for an identity. File that one under “who gives a shit.” The therapist asked me how I feel when I swerve fast between cars, nearly killing people, and I said, “happy.”

It really is my happy place. My meditation. If I’m almost killing you in my modified Accord (or Toyota Corolla or Nissan Sentra), then I feel happy. You might be thinking, “Why doesn’t he just go to a race track if he wants to drive that fast?” Look. Put a few families with young kids on the track, let me swerve around them at 125 mph, and I’ll gladly drive on a track.

I can only imagine when I fly past a family, who is now catching their breath and feeling the fleeting nature of life, they think, “How did he get that Honda Accord to go so fast???” Well, I had a dream, and when you have a dream, you do what it takes. So I stopped paying child support or my rent, stole parts from other cars, and now I’m living the dream. My dream.

Oh, before I forget, I also like to go as fast as possible on an off ramp where it’s going from two lanes to one and I have a narrow opportunity to speed past the person in front of me to get in front of them before we both stop at the red light shortly thereafter, and almost make them crash into the side wall and go up in flames, myself included. Sometimes life gives you an opportunity to almost die in a heap of fire and wreckage, and I’ll take that opportunity. I’m willing to throw it all away and destroy someone else’s life in the process if I can get in front of them before the red light, even if we both have to burn to death.

Why? Can’t say. It just feels right. And it’s something to do.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. “For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom,” said Trump, who criticized what he called the “violent extremism” of films in which enslaved people break free from their shackles, claiming such stories were “racist” against slave owners. “We want our slaves whistling, and we want them doing hard work with a spring in their step. No more with the America-hating uprisings, the emancipations. And we will be doing tax breaks for the good films—especially ones where a slave learns about love from their white master.” At press time, the president was reportedly in talks with members of Congress to provide federal subsidies for movies in which an escaped slave comes back.

The post Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape appeared first on The Onion.

New comic!
Today's News:

Honestly? I get it.

We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now, here’s our own Al “Jazzbo” Collins with a message.

I’ll run the test again, but I won’t like it.

Poor sap thinks he’s on Hogan’s Heroes already.

I got the Seagram’s, the mix is behind me.

#CowboyWho

#RoninWarriors

The fire erupted in the 5500 block of Texas Highway 146, near the intersection of Avenue J and 29th Street in the Bacliff and San Leon area, according to local authorities.

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – Nestlé executives gathered from around the world to announce their grave concern regarding the impact that artificial intelligence’s water consumption will have on their own ability to eradicate the world’s supply of potable water. “Since time immemorial, the Nestlé corporation has been a steward of the world’s water supply, in that we […]

The post Nestlé worried AI will destroy world’s water supply before they do appeared first on The Beaverton.

PICKERING, ON – Budding philanthropist Krista Murphy inspired onlookers last week when she responded to Wikipedia’s call for donation not with apathy, but with a one-time contribution of the minimum listed amount ($2.75). This act of selflessness and compassion came after Murphy visited the Wikipedia page for Shrek 3, looking to brush up on the […]

The post Modern Mother Teresa? This woman donated to Wikipedia appeared first on The Beaverton.

Orange Pekoe!
Orange Pekoe?
Orange Pekoe!
Oragen Pekoe?
I swear by it!
You swear by it?
and Lewies says that Phylis says that Sybil once had some Earl Grey at her place, and two out of three were delighted.
Well ... I don't go for those exotic teas.
#CowboyWho

the list

most wanted

Mata's list of most wanted hackers

https://analognowhere.com/_/rncxnm

• archive
• support/store

It’s very easy to move through the world dull and unconcerned — one can slip into invisibility. A culture of comfort creates complacency. However, some take action. They aspire to be inspirational, not invisible. Ordinary people can not only be aspirational, but they can also make aspirational objects. Sometimes the seemingly unremarkable can be extraordinary and change how one sees the everyday. This is something I’ve been mulling over recently. Right now, there are a couple of exhibitions on display in Houston that reinforce this notion.

Robert Rauschenberg: Fabric Works of the 1970s just opened at the Menil Collection. The pieces are labeled fabric works, but they have the sensibility of his famous Combines. Even “combines” is a bit tricky here because they’re so distilled and essential. Haunting and poetic, many are more formally composed than earlier work, which felt like thesis-driven experiments in contrasting debris. Over 40 years old, this work still radiates life. The pieces are of a specific time and all time. Using humble materials and a smart installation, there’s a perpetual freshness about the work in this show.

The exhibition strikes a nerve causing my brain to flood with questions. How do these raw, unfussy materials retain such everlasting wonderment? The pieces use the meekest of stuff — commonplace cardboard, elongated sticks, drab drapery — many of which would be discarded in any other context. Yet the inanimate becomes animate here. In the brochure, Rauschenberg is quoted as saying, “I like the history of objects. I like humanitarian reportage.” 

The key word here is “humanitarian.” Things are being repurposed which already have an existing record of being. Something like this makes me wonder what an inspired individual could make with a few recycled cans and some cast-off rubber bands.

In New Classicism in Collage: Negret, Nevelson and Ramirez Villamizar at Sicardi | Ayers | Bacino, everyday materials such as wood and tape seem to work convincingly, too. Again, you see meager pedestrians become superheroes. Simple cardboard and wood punching above their weight, like a prizefighter with nothing left to lose. Never overly manipulated but purposeful in their repurposing. 

These artists MacGyvered their way through their existing surroundings with astounding results. The marketplace is still inundated with pop art as well as many other 20th century “isms.” However, there’s a healthy distance from those labels now and these exhibitions shine in a different light. This is always the mark of strong work. When it’s able to unpack itself in a new way for a new generation. 

We live in a digital time where so much tactility is deciphered through a screen. To experience work like this in person is to be reminded of the neglected everyday that surrounds us. A reminder to go out and pay attention to what you see. Not what you think you see.

Not all art is an assault on the senses. It isn’t necessarily a runaway train of imagination, yet something equally as powerful. A simplicity of materials designed to prompt everyday contemplation.

There’s something so wonderfully commonplace yet uncommon about these exhibitions. The work here sings poetically and discerningly. A reminder that you need very little to make a lot.

The post The Ordinary Becomes Extraordinary appeared first on Glasstire.

Connoisseurs, culinary experts and curious consumers flocked to the three-day event in a country where cheese is both food and folklore.

mst3kgifs:

Fine, just go light on the probes.

Recent election wins by a slate of candidates backed by Democrats have reverberated across the Houston area, the state of Texas and beyond.

The most surprising thing about a spider colony discovered in a cave on the Albanian-Greek border — housing tens of thousands of arachnids — had less to do with its size and more to do with what scientists found inside the huge mass of funnel-shaped webs.

The Houston Chronicle's rankings features a wide price range and hearty helping of the diversity found among the city's cuisine.

WASHINGTON—Roundly criticizing the provision to outlaw many hemp products that was included in the bill to reopen the government, industry leaders warned Friday that the federal hemp ban threatened the overall identity of Evan Brucker, 32, a local guy whose whole deal pretty much begins and ends with hemp. “Congress may claim the provision only restricts the sale of hemp-derived synthetic cannabinoids, but in reality, this punitive legislation will wipe out up to 95% of Mr. Brucker’s entire thing, from his morning CBD tea routine to his hemp-seed-oil aromatherapy sessions to the affordability of his entirely hemp-fiber wardrobe,” said National Hemp Association chair Geoff Whaling, adding that the law, which he called an “unwarranted assault” on the legal hemp industry, would effectively kneecap the only topic Brucker seems able to discuss with friends, family, and coworkers. “Anyone who has ever spent time seated next to Mr. Brucker on an airplane knows that hemp is an environmentally friendly renewable resource with countless health benefits. Yet this law will limit Mr. Brucker’s ability to produce the homemade hemp-wax candles he gifts for every special occasion and prevent him from selling his tinctures and twine every weekend at the farmers market. Perhaps most troubling, however, is that this ban will threaten the stability of several local businesses, as gas-station employees, who know Mr. Brucker simply as ‘that white guy with the dreads,’ report that his daily purchases of THC-infused gummies and vape cartridges make up a meaningful share of their revenue. It appears Congress is totally unaware that hemp is the only thing this guy’s got going on right now.” At press time, sources confirmed that in response to the hemp ban’s passage into law, Brucker had decided to just get really into actual weed again.

The post Federal Hemp Ban Threatens Local Guy’s Whole Deal  appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Urging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday warning recipients that it could take days before their kidneys regained function. “As staff are reinstated and payments begin to roll out, please expect delays in filtering out impurities in your bloodstream,” read the statement in part, which emphasized that while beneficiaries could expect the swelling in their limbs to go down as soon as next Wednesday, it would take longer for those seeking relief from nausea, itchy skin, shortness of breath, and fluid retention in the lungs. “We’ll likely have blood pressure regulation up and running by the end of the day; however, balancing electrolytes is a complex process that could take weeks to bring back online. Please know we’re doing everything in our power to ensure your organ functions are brought back to their pre-shutdown state in a timely manner.” The statement concluded by pledging that by Thanksgiving, all families who receive SNAP benefits would be able to enjoy full, healthy urine streams together.

The post SNAP Warns Recipients It Could Be Days Before Kidneys Regain Function appeared first on The Onion.

BATH, ENGLAND—Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator’s life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler was a type of fern. “After analyzing genetic material taken from Hitler’s bunker and comparing it with DNA from one of his known relatives, we’ve determined with 97% certainty that Adolf Hitler belonged to the species Matteuccia struthiopteris, commonly known as the ostrich fern,” said research leader Alistair Wending, adding that the findings could explain the fondness for moist, loamy soils Hitler described in his autobiography Mein Kampf. “The revelation that Hitler was a seedless vascular plant lends credence to the widespread belief that he reproduced via spores, as alluded to in the popular Allied novelty song ‘Hitler Has A Sporangium.’ It could also explain the dictator’s idiosyncratic diet of dissolved mineral nutrients and partial sunlight, as well as his signature fiddlehead mustache and his choice to wear uniforms that concealed his green, feathery fronds. Most significantly, though, our research finally debunks the rumor that Hitler had Jewish ancestry, proving instead that he evolved from Devonian psilophytons.” Wending told reporters his team’s next project would investigate whether Benito Mussolini had been a moss of the division Bryophyta.

The post DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON D.C. – With the release of thousands of emails from notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein implicating President Donald Trump, the POTUS is deflecting by boldly alleging that every single man, woman, and child living in the United States are also named in the secret files. “Sure, maybe I’m in the Epstein Files, but so […]

The post Trump accuses all 342 million Americans of also being in Epstein Files appeared first on The Beaverton.

Australian researchers identified a new species of native bee with tiny horn-like projections on the female’s face, prompting comparisons to a Satanic figure. What do you think?

The post ‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia appeared first on The Onion.