People of Earth,
S’nathrokhan here. I’m the God of a planet two galaxies, four dimensions, and nineteen possibilities away. Weird question… are you guys having horrifically frequent mass shootings? Because if you’ve been counting on your God to end those, I got some bad news: your prayers keep getting accidentally delivered to my house.
You all know how prayers work: You make a wish, it shoots up into the sky, gets intercepted by the pan-reality post office, and then dropped off at the correct God’s castle, where He/She/They/An Unfathomable Wriggling Mass Of Eyeballs reads it and makes it come true. But your prayers must’ve bumped into a black hole or gotten turned around in a nine-dimensional space bubble because I’m getting truckloads of your pleas to end gun violence. And they have started pouring in with, frankly, embarrassing frequency.
Now… I know this isn’t My place — and keep in mind, this is coming from a horned snake with 10,000 legs and infinite teeth who demands tri-annual virgin sacrifices and who wipes out all life on His planet every time someone has a single impure thought — but your relationship with guns is seriously fucked up.
You guys have been praying to end gun violence for decades! I got one prayer this morning, it was all banged up and covered with RETURN TO SENDER stickers — and it was from a shooting outside Littleton, Colorado in 1999! And nothing has changed since then!
Excuse My ignorance about your planet but… do you guys not have laws or something?
Also, I can’t help but notice that all your gun death-related thoughts and prayers are coming from one particular part of your Earth. Are the other people praying to a different God? Do the people outside your “America” have bulletproof skin? Might be worth looking into it and seeing what the differences are, is all I’m saying.
And, sorry if I’m overstepping My bounds here, but you might want to rethink what’s “prayer appropriate” and what’s not.
Just look what you’re praying for! A bountiful harvest? A “Thank You” for breathing life into you? No! You’re praying for humans to stop killing other humans! Now, I don’t really know your God that well — We’ve met a couple of times at conferences or whatever–but on My planet, that’s the kind of prayer that would be answered with a big “Go fuck yourselves.”
Mudslides, freak lightning storms, untreatable illnesses–those are God problems. But YOU killing each other with killing machines YOU created to kill each other seems like a YOU problem. Go do something about it! But, hey, that’s just this God’s opinion.
Anyway, I’ve pinned this note to the Fermi crater on the far side of your moon where surely one of your astronauts will pick it up soon. I’m trying to get through to someone at the post office but, in the meantime, you might want to get started on some non-prayer solutions to all your mass shootings. Take it from Me, an omniscient creature of pure Wrath, if there’s one thing even we Gods can’t fix, it’s poor mail delivery! (On My planet, that joke is groundbreaking and hilarious! And if you didn’t laugh, I would smite your entire village.)
Eternal Torture To All Non-Believers In S’nathrokhan and Seriously, Good Luck With Your Gun Problem,
mystical-guava: biggest-gaudiest-patronuses: biggest-gaudiest-patronuses: biggest-gaudiest-patron...
WITCHES' BREW, BITCHES
another weird thing about beer is that it has weird masculinity connections to it. “ya i’ll get a beer, i don’t want none of them girly drinks” Jimothy, you’re drinking wheat juice with a 5% alcohol content and my mixed, fruity, “girly” drink is 40% alcohol and tastes great
O.KAY *CRACKS KNUCKLES* I AM ABOUT TO GIVE YOU AN EDUCATION
BEER IS TRADITIONALLY A WOMAN’S DRINK, IT IS THE MOST FEMALE OF ALL OF THE DRINKS. FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS, BEER WAS MADE AT HOME BY WOMEN, TO BE CONSUMED BY WOMEN AND CHILDREN–IT WAS ACTUALLY A SOURCE OF NUTRIENTS FOR MANY HOUSEHOLDS. WOMEN CREATED THE CRAFT OF BEER, AND FOR MOST OF HUMAN HISTORY THAT IS WHO YOU’D BUY IT FROM: MANY WOMEN MADE ADDITIONAL INCOME BY BREWING AND SELLING BEER FROM HOME. IT WASN’T UNTIL THE ERA OF INDUSTRIALIZATION THAT BEER BEGAN TO BE BREWED IN FACTORIES. AND ONCE BEER WAS BEING BREWED ON A LARGE SCALE, IT MADE TO START MARKETING IT TO ALL THE MALE FACTORY WORKERS WHO SUDDENLY HAD EXTRA INCOME. HENCE AN AGGRESSIVE MARKETING CAMPAIGN TO RE-BRAND BEER, A DRINK INTRINSICALLY TIED WITH WOMEN’S HISTORY, AS A ‘MASCULINE’ BEVERAGE.
EVEN BETTER, FEMALE BREWSTERS WERE THE ORIGINAL WICKED OLD WITCH. THE TROPES WE COMMONLY ASSOCIATE WITH STEREOTYPICAL WITCHES ARE ACTUALLY BASED ON THE TRADITIONAL BREWSTER. CAULDRONS & HOT STEAMING POTIONS = BEER BREWING. THE WITCH’S HAT: BELIEVE IT OR NOT POINTY HATS WERE ACTUALLY WORN BY BREWSTERS WHEN SELLING THEIR PRODUCT AT MARKETS: THE ENORMOUS HEADGEAR HELPED THEM STAND OUT, AND CLEARLY TOLD EVERYONE ‘YO MOTHERFUCKA GET YOUR BEER HERE’.
CATS AS FAMILIARS: CATS WERE COMMONLY USED TO PREVENT RODENTS FROM GETTING INTO THE WHEAT. EVEN THE BROOMSTICK IS RELATED TO BEER: A BUNDLE OF TWIGS RESEMBLING A BROOM WAS USED AS AD FOR ALEHOUSES
so basically, beer is the ultimate woman’s and witch’s drink
fuck u guys, i didn’t spend 20 min fact checking for 3 notes
I am impressed at this much knowledge
It’s difficult to know how a particular animal might have looked if you only use its skeleton as a guide. For example, we used to think dinosaurs were mostly scaly like lizards until evidence was uncovered that many kinds of dinosaur were more birdlike with feathers.
Artist C.M. Kosemen, in his book All Yesterdays: Unique and Speculative Views of Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Animals, illustrated some present-day animals like many dinosaurs are typically drawn, based only on their skeletons.
Most serious paleoart bases itself on the detailed findings of paleontologists, who can work for weeks or even years compiling the most accurate descriptions of ancient life they can, based on fossil remains. But Kosemen says that many dinosaur illustrations should take more cues from animals living today. Our world is full of unique animals that have squat fatty bodies, with all kinds of soft tissue features that are unlikely to have survived in fossils, such as pouches, wattles, or skin flaps. “There could even be forms that no one has imagined,” says Kosemen. “For example there could plant-eating dinosaurs that had pangolin or armadillo-like armor that wasn’t preserved in the fossil. There could also be dinosaurs with porcupine-type quills.”
Here are Kosemen’s drawings of a baboon and swans:
Tags: C.M. Kosemen dinosaurs
For New Scientist. Order my new book of cartoons ‘Baking with Kafka’ here: https://goo.gl/6sypYT
Do not buy, but admire.
1up Keyboards has these black and orange keycaps in stock, just in time for spooky season. They're $100 a set, and you'll need to have a mechanical keyboard with Cherry MX switches to plug them into.
ABS Double shot
Compatible with Cherry style switches
During the Jim Crow era, it was difficult and dangerous for African-Americans to travel — they were routinely refused even basic amenities such as food and lodging. Civil rights leader (and now Georgia congressman) John Lewis remembered a family trip in 1951:
There would be no restaurant for us to stop at until we were well out of the South, so we took our restaurant right in the car with us. … Stopping for gas and to use the bathroom took careful planning. Uncle Otis had made this trip before, and he knew which places along the way offered ‘colored’ bathrooms and which were better just to pass on by. Our map was marked and our route was planned that way, by the distances between service stations where it would be safe for us to stop.
Accordingly New York mail carrier Victor H. Green began to publish The Negro Motorist Green Book, a guide “to give the Negro traveler information that will keep him from running into difficulties, embarrassments and to make his trip more enjoyable.” Green paid his readers to contribute reports of road conditions, sites of interest, and information about their travel experiences. Julian Bond later recalled:
You think about the things that most travelers take for granted, or most people today take for granted. If I go to New York City and want a hair cut, it’s pretty easy for me to find a place where that can happen, but it wasn’t easy then. White barbers would not cut black peoples’ hair. White beauty parlors would not take black women as customers — hotels and so on, down the line. You needed the Green Book to tell you where you can go without having doors slammed in your face.
The book was published annually nationwide from 1937 to 1964. The New York Public Library has the full collection.
Chicago artist Jerzy Kenar put up this bronze statue in front of his East Village home as a gentle reminder: “I hoped it would motivate dog owners to pick up after their pets.”
When the water’s running it looks even more realistic than this. But both mayor Richard M. Daley and Father Michael Pfleger, pastor of St. Sabina Church, attended the unveiling in 2005.
Kenar says that the statue, at 1003 North Wolcott Avenue, is intended to be whimsical, and that most visitors take it in that spirit, posing and even drinking from the fountain. “Only one little old lady didn’t get the joke,” he said.
He also designed the Black History Fountain near St. Sabina … so this one is sometimes called his “number two fountain.”
(From Greg Borzo, Chicago’s Fabulous Fountains, 2017.)
A thrifty space traveler can explore the solar system by following the Interplanetary Transport Network, a series of pathways determined by gravitation among the various bodies. By plotting the course carefully, a navigator can choose a route among the Lagrange points that exist between large masses, where it’s possible to change trajectory using very little energy.
In the NASA image above, the “tube” represents the highway along which it’s mathematically possible to travel, and the green ribbon is one such route.
The good news is that these paths lead to some interesting destinations, such as Earth’s moon and the Galilean moons of Jupiter. The bad news is that such a trip would take many generations. Virginia Tech’s Shane Ross writes, “Due to the long time needed to achieve the low energy transfers between planets, the Interplanetary Superhighway is impractical for transfers such as from Earth to Mars at present.”
Again, speaking of probability, there is the story of the statistician who told a friend that he never takes airplanes. When asked why, he replied that he computed the probability that there be a bomb on the plane, and that although the probability was low, it was too high for his comfort.
A week later, the friend met him on a plane and asked him why he changed his theory. He replied: ‘I didn’t change my theory. It’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there simultaneously be two bombs on the plane. This is low enough for my comfort, and so I now carry my own bomb.’
— Raymond Smullyan, A Mixed Bag, 2016
Dutch architects MVRDV created a unique design for Amsterdam’s Alfabetgebouw, an office building for small and mid-size creative companies. On the building’s east side a series of dotted windows spell out the building’s street number, 52, and on the north side the shape of each window reflects the unit number of its tenant.
To make the alphabet fit on a 6 × 4 facade they had to omit two letters — but “the IQ is inside the building.”
I find it difficult to express the why of my love for this, but the love, it is deep.
adjustin’ expectation in line with ya nerves
Our 3rd most read article of the year.
(Originally published October 2, 2017.)
Having a fucking bake sale
Building a fucking shed in your own backyard
Pumping fucking gas
Getting a fucking vasectomy
Owning a fucking car
Driving someone else’s fucking car
Riding in a fucking car
Disposing of fucking batteries
Cutting fucking hair for a living
Having a controlled bonfire on your own fucking property
Owning a fucking dog
Walking a fucking dog
Selling a fucking mattress
Watching a fucking DVD
Holding any sort of public fucking performance
Importing foreign fucking cheese
Changing your last fucking name to your spouse’s
Buying fucking fireworks
Riding a fucking bicycle
Having a fucking swimming pool
Xeroxing and distributing copyrighted fucking material
Transporting a bottle of opened fucking wine home from a restaurant
Using a fucking skateboard
Buying unpasteurized fucking milk
To learn more about this piece and the writer behind it, visit this profile of Sarah Hutto over on our Patreon page.
In a 2013 radio interview, Graham Nash recalled visiting Neil Young in 1972:
The man is totally committed to the muse of music. And he’ll do anything for good music. And sometimes it’s very strange. I was at Neil’s ranch one day just south of San Francisco, and he has a beautiful lake with red-wing blackbirds. And he asked me if I wanted to hear his new album, Harvest. And I said sure, let’s go into the studio and listen.
Oh, no. That’s not what Neil had in mind. He said get into the rowboat.
I said get into the rowboat? He said, yeah, we’re going to go out into the middle of the lake. Now, I think he’s got a little cassette player with him or a little, you know, early digital format player. So I’m thinking I’m going to wear headphones and listen in the relative peace in the middle of Neil’s lake.
Oh, no. He has his entire house as the left speaker and his entire barn as the right speaker. And I heard Harvest coming out of these two incredibly large loud speakers louder than hell. It was unbelievable. Elliot Mazer, who produced Neil, produced Harvest, came down to the shore of the lake and he shouted out to Neil: How was that, Neil?
And I swear to God, Neil Young shouted back: More barn!
Asked in 2016 whether this story was true, Young said, “Yeah, I think it was a little house-heavy.”
The short story series I edited and wrote for, Tales of the Automazombs: A Desperate Plan, is available now on Amazon in ebook and paperback!
The stories within A Desperate Plan are set in a steampunk world gripped by plague that preserves its victims after death. To cleanse the land, inventors create a shambling horror that can devour infected flesh without spreading it further. It’s the best plan they have, since they exhausted every other option. But don’t worry. There’s no way these cyborg zombies (the Automazombs!) would ever turn on their creators.
Sound interesting? You can pick it up on Amazon.
After reading, I welcome your honest review. Reviews, on Amazon especially, help other readers notice little indies like me.
Also! Visit automazombs.com to learn more about the book, the world, and to read extra stories / comics.
Spring is a tense time for our relationship.
Bless Fedja and his adorable accent.
Some favorite Fedjaisms from his students include "magic tool" (eraser) and his insistence that we use "BEEEEG paper" (as opposed to small paper).
Use these terms. If for no other reason than because they don’t want you to.
Don’t worry, these animals won’t bite! Well, actually, they will… but that’s why they’re so incredibly useful. AniBite turns nature’s fiercest predators into adorably innovative multi-purpose clips that grip and hold everything from stationery, to EDC, to toiletries.
Designed to replace hooks, hangers, and stands with something more quirky and characteristic, AniBite’s series of one-touch clips can be placed anywhere and can hold pretty much anything. Made in three variants, a bear, a leopard, and a wolf (or as I call it, direwolf), the AniBite can hold up to 300 grams (almost 9 times its weight). Just lift the head back and place your item between the jaws before pushing the head down again. AniBites can hold your toothbrush (in both vertical and horizontal ways), razor, or even stationery on your desk. Use it as an innovative spectacle-holder beside your bed, or even for your keys right near the door… or push your creative limits and have these animals manage your cables for you!
The AniBite is made from sanitary and non-toxic plastics like PETG and PCTG, and comes with a PU Gel adhesion surface on the back that can attach to pretty much any flat (or even mildly textured) surface without leaving any marks. When the adhesion goes weak, all you have to do is clean the back with water and it’s good as new! The design is practical and child-friendly with blunted teeth that won’t pierce or poke.
Ideal for the nature lover as well as the design lover, these little multi-purpose hang-clips are utilitarian, eye-catching, and go right into our hall of quirky fame! Why hang real animal heads on your wall when you could have these functional, adorable miniatures instead?