Trey Peden

theonion:

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine

SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.

“I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.”

“I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.”

Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on.

In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix.

Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful.

“I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.”

“There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.”

Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time.

“It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.”

While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower.

“I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.”

“I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added.

At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.

ironychan:

hungrylikethewolfie:

dduane:

A loaf of bread made in the first century AD, which was discovered at Pompeii, preserved for centuries in the volcanic ashes of Mount Vesuvius. The markings visible on the top are made from a Roman bread stamp, which bakeries were required to use in order to mark the source of the loaves, and to prevent fraud. (via Ridiculously Interesting)

(sigh) I’ve seen these before, but this one’s particularly beautiful.

I feel like I’m supposed to be marveling over the fact that this is a loaf of bread that’s been preserved for thousands of years, and don’t get me wrong, that’s hella cool.  But honestly, I’m mostly struck by the unexpected news that “bread fraud" was apparently once a serious concern.

Bread Fraud was a huge thing,  Bread was provided to the Roman people by the government - bakers were given grain to make the free bread, but some of them stole the government grain to use in other baked goods and would add various substitutes, like sawdust or even worse things, to the bread instead.  So if people complained that their free bread was not proper bread, the stamp told them exactly whose bakery they ought to burn down.

lolzpicx:

In The Way Guy

cadney:

dumpsterfetus:

the-underground-hufflepuff:

Women are so pissed about being objectified and then they objectify themselves by getting abortion which is literally saying “my body is just a thing I use for sex, not the actual divine purpose it was created for”

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve found it.
The stupidest post on the internet.

lacigreen:

when straight guys who cat call at women are terrified of being hit on by a gay dude

"Trust Among Thieves"

11 Tech Sounds You'll Never Hear Again

"Two-Sentence Horror Stories are actually pretty chilling".

Some good ones:

I just saw my reflection blink. -marino1310

I begin tucking him into bed and he tells me, “Daddy check for monsters under my bed.” I look underneath for his amusement and see him, another him, under the bed, staring back at me quivering and whispering, “Daddy there’s somebody on my bed.” - justAnotherMuffledVo

The doctors told the amputee he might experience a phantom limb from time to time. Nobody prepared him for the moments though, when he felt cold fingers brush across his phantom hand. -Gagege

 Lots more here.

Worth mocking. 

Thanks Internet. (thanks Ilene)

Photo by Damir Sagolj / Reuters [website | blog | twitter]

As my pal Scott notes above, Skyy Vodka is sponsoring the Twitter hashtag #DumpRussianVodka. Skyy was founded in the US twenty years ago, but is now owned by Italy's Gruppo Campari and is sold here through Campari America.

"Sex, Violence, and Autocomplete Algorithms: What words do Bing and Google censor from their suggestions?"

This clever alphabet of movie titles comes courtesy of graphic artist Doaly Doal.

Have you visited Pleated Jeans today?

tastefullyoffensive:

Cats Traumatized by Baths

Previously: Cats Who Have Had Enough

[video]

New Arrival by Brendon Jennings [500px | twitter]

[h/t: giraffeinatree]

Poorly Drawn Lines by Reza Farazmand [website | tumblr | twitter]

Otis is honored to be part of the Corgnado. 

Things are heating up!

By Myzo

via via via via via via via via via via via via via via via via via via via via LOL Animals: Next Page–>

Have you visited Pleated Jeans today?

doghouse bizarro via via sarah see andersen via via broblerones via via owlturd via via poorly drawn lines via via via pie comic via jim benton Funny Pic Dump: Next Page–>

Have you visited Pleated Jeans today?

tastefullyoffensive:

Cats Who Have Had Enough [imgur]

Previously: Cats Taking Selfies, Derpy Cats