The measurement for whether school is successful is — drumroll — if the kid does well in school. Think about it: You have never read research that says what kids do in school causes a person to have a good adult life. Neither the school or the teacher has long-term impact on outcomes. So we make up stories about why school is important. Based on no data. To make ourselves feel better.
Here’s an example of the circular logic that guides education research:
Children and adolescents spend a considerable amount of their time in school, and the school environment is therefore of importance for child outcomes. Research within the framework of “effective schools” has established that factors in the school environment play a part in pupil achievement.
Translated into normal English: “Kids are in school for a lot of their life so it must have some sort of impact on the child. Research shows that school environments correlate to school achievement.” Notice that these two sentences are unrelated. Because no one is showing that school achievement has an impact on the child’s long-term outcome.
We ignore those studies because it’s inconvenient.
We have accepted this situation for decades. The pandemic laid bare why we accept that school has no long-term proven benefits: the short-term benefits to companies. The only way companies can pay low wages is to have children in school all day so parents don’t have to pay for child care. School is universal, government-subsidized child care.
If parents stayed home the care and education would be better, because it would be customized for each child instead of the factory-style system we have now. We almost did that experiment during lockdown. And moms didn’t want to leave their kids to go back to work. So they didn’t.
The jobs are terrible and the school option is becoming visibly terrible as well. Also, parents are finding that as long as they don’t have to be insanely stressed by balancing work and kids, taking care of kids is manageable including homeschooling them.
It turns out that school and low wages go together. School makes parents feel like they are not suitable teachers. And low wages make parents feel like they are not worth enough in society to be calm, stay-at-home parents. But if you give that same parent permission to be home with their kid and in charge of that kid’s education, the parent will finally feel calm and in control.
When I started homeschooling I’d post pictures of my kids doing workbooks. Or reading. Now I post pictures of the kids basking in attention, because I know things in childhood that make a long-term difference have everything to do with relationships and nothing to do with school.
So how can society support parents in their quest for calm families rather than juggling impossible roles. We need to remind ourselves over and over again, collectively, that we never had evidence that school accomplished anything beyond keeping kids safe while their parents were at work. We can raise the bar on ourselves now. We can accomplish so much more if we put families back together again.
“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer that person is your presence.”
“Fearlessness is what love seeks,” Hannah Arendt wrote in her magnificent early work on love and how to live with fear. “Such fearlessness exists only in the complete calm that can no longer be shaken by events expected of the future… Hence the only valid tense is the present, the Now.”
This notion of presence as the antidote to fear and the crucible of love is as old as the human heart, as old as the consciousness that first felt the blade of anticipatory loss pressed against the exposed underbelly of the longing for connection. It is at the center of millennia-old Buddhist philosophy and comes alive afresh, in a splendidly practical way, in Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm (public library) by the great Vietnamese Buddhist teacher and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh, who continues to enrich, ennoble, and empower with his teachings well into his nineties.
Thich Nhat Hanh
In the general Buddhist style of befriending complexity through simplicity and with his particular gift for simple words strung into a rosary of immense wisdom radiating immense kindness, Thich Nhat Hanh writes:
We have a great, habitual fear inside ourselves. We’re afraid of many things — of our own death, of losing our loved ones, of change, of being alone. The practice of mindfulness helps us to touch nonfear. It’s only here and now that we can experience total relief, total happiness… In the practice of Buddhism, we see that all mental formations — including compassion, love, fear, sorrow, and despair — are organic in nature. We don’t need to be afraid of any of them, because transformation is always possible.
Such transformation is possible only through deliberate practice — none more challenging, or more rewarding, than the practice of transforming fear into love. In consonance with his teaching that “to love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love,” he anchors this transmutation practice in four mantras “effective for watering the seeds of happiness in yourself and your beloved and for transforming fear, suffering, and loneliness.”
Unlike a prayer — which channels a hope at some imagined entity capable of interceding in favor of that hope and has only as a side benefit (though arguably its only real and robust benefit) the psychological self-clarification that comes from honing our hopes in language — a mantra is not addressed at anything or anyone external and is entirely devoted to distilling the object of hope to its clearest essence. This, in and of itself, transforms the hope into an intent, making it more actionable — but also saving it from the particular complacency against which Descartes admonished as he considered the vital relationship between fear and hope. A mantra is therefore not a form of magical thinking, for while there is a sense of magic to how such distillation seems to shift the situation by its very utterance, it is an entirely practical sort of magic, for a mantra simply clarifies, concentrates, and consecrates intent, and all meaningful transformation springs from purposeful, devoted intent.
Thich Nhat Hanh writes:
A mantra is a kind of magic formula that, once uttered, can entirely change a situation. It can change us, and it can change others. But this magic formula must be spoken in concentration, with body and mind focused as one. What you say in this state of being becomes a mantra.
Within this conceptual framework, he offers four mantras for transforming fear into love, beginning with “Mantra for Offering Your Presence.” A generation after Simone Weil insisted that “attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity,” he writes:
The most precious gift you can give to the one you love is your true presence. So the first mantra is very simple: “Dear one, I am here for you.”
A century after Tolstoy insisted that “love is a present activity only,” Thich Nhat Hanh gently reminds us that the greatest resource of our own heart — our greatest source of power, our mightiest antidote to fear — is the quality of love we give through the quality of our presence:
When you love someone, the best thing you can offer that person is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? Come back to yourself, look into [their] eyes, and say, “Darling, you know something? I’m here for you.” You’re offering [them] your presence. You’re not preoccupied with the past or the future; you are there for your beloved. You must say this with your body and with your mind at the same time, and then you will see the transformation.
Such crystalline presence is the prerequisite for the next mantra — “Mantra for Recognizing Your Beloved”:
The second mantra is, “Darling, I know you are there, and I am so happy.”
To be there is the first step, and recognizing the presence of the other person is the second step. Because you are fully there, you recognize that the presence of your beloved is something very precious. You embrace your beloved with mindfulness, and he or she will bloom like a flower. To be loved means first of all to be recognized as existing.
In a sentiment of especial relevance and consolation in these disembodied times, he reminds us that these mantras can be performed across distance, across wires and cables and screens, not requiring the physical presence of the beloved — however they are articulated, they are at bottom meditations containing all four elements of true love as described by the Buddha: love, compassion, joy, and freedom.
While the third mantra, “Mantra for Relieving Suffering,” could be magnified and deepened by the atomic rewards of Thich Nhat Hanh’s “hugging meditation,” it too can be extended across the digital distance:
Even before you do anything to help, your wholehearted presence already brings some relief, because when we suffer, we have great need for presence of the person we love. If we are suffering and the person we love ignores us, we suffer more. So what you can do — right away — is to manifest your true presence to your beloved and say the mantra with all your mindfulness: “Dear one, I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.” And already your loved one will feel better.
Your presence is a miracle, your understanding of his or her pain is a miracle, and you are able to offer this aspect of your love immediately. Really try to be there, for yourself, for life, for the people you love. Recognize the presence of those who live in the same place as you, and try to be there when one of them is suffering, because your presence is so precious for this person.
The fourth and final mantra, “Mantra for Reaching Out to Ask for Help,” seems on the surface to be self-concerned, but is in fact the crucible of self-care from which all unselfish love and presence spring. It is also, Thich Nhat Hanh observes, the most difficult of the four, for it dwells in the place of our greatest vulnerability and at the same time pushes us to lean on our most crippling crutch:
This mantra is for when you are suffering and you believe that your beloved has caused you suffering. If someone else had done the same wrong to you, you would have suffered less. But this is the person you love the most, so you suffer deeply, and the last thing you feel like doing is to ask that person for help… So now it is your pride that is the obstacle to reconciliation and healing. According to the teaching of the Buddha, in true love there is no place for pride.
When you are suffering like this, you must go to the person you love and ask for his or her help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. You must overcome your pride. You must always go to him or her. That is what this mantra is for. Practice for yourself first, to bring about oneness of your body and mind before going to the other person to say the fourth mantra: “Dear one, I am suffering; please help.” This is very simple but very hard to do.
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Satellite photos show the phenomenon from far above
The “super bloom” of wildflowers in Southern California and throughout the state has driven people hoping to catch a glimpse of poppies, lupines, and an array of wildflowers in bloom to visit nature preserves and state and national parks in droves.
But the view from the ground is different than the one taken from above—way above. Satellite images of the super bloom, captured by a start-up called Planet Labs and first seen on KQED, give a totally new perspective on just how widespread and colorful this year’s mega bloom turned out to be.
The high-resolution satellite images show popular super bloom sites north of Los Angeles: the Los Padres National Forest, northeast of Santa Barbara, and the Carrizo Plain National Monument, east of Santa Maria.
The images show both sites before the floral explosion, in early December 2016, and at peak blossom, in late March 2017.
Courtesy of Planet Labs Inc.
The super bloom in the Carrizo Plain National Monument.
According to KQED, these locations are not so vibrant anymore, as “Lush green and yellow is replaced by reddish browns as the flowers opened up for just a few weeks to become pollinated before dying off.”
Stev’nn Hall (previously) blends photography and painting together in an impressionistic style, often focusing his works on the rural landscapes of his Canadian home, or images of flowers he takes in his studio. The pieces are built from images shot with a 35mm camera, and feature gestures on the surface in the mediums of acrylic, ink, and pastel. These markings serve as both complements to the landscapes and abstract bits of scrawl, simultaneously pushing the underlying photograph to appear more like a painting, and Hall’s painted additions to seem like photographic errors. You can see more of his mixed media works on Tumblr and Instagram.
Turkish art director and visual artist Hüseyin Şahin has an uncanny eye for combining disparate photographs into cohesive scenes, where technology, nature, and humankind collide. Sahin works with a variety of digital photographs which he then edits into collages that he shares on Instagram and Behance. (via ARCHatlas)
Last weekend photographer John Kucko received a tip about a house in Webster, New York that had become encased in ice after a winter storm swept through the area. Arriving on the scene he found what you see here, a resident’s summer home swallowed entirely by wind-swept icicles and sheets of ice. Kucko shares with Colossal that the building rests just 20 feet from the rocky shores of Lake Ontario where winds recorded up to 81mph caused the waves to crash against the small home. You can see a few recent video updates on his Facebook page. (via Twisted Sifter)
Alex Strohl’s work is characterized by his extraordinary travels and extreme adventures. Continually blurring the lines between work and life, he captures authentic moments and creates contrived scenes. This time, French photographer takes us on a fascinating trip through wild Alaska.
Focusing on travel and adventure photography, Stockholm-based artist Tobias Hägg creates breathtaking aerial images to show the unexpected perspective of the well-known landscapes.
Atlanta-based photographer and art director Stephen McMennamy (previously) continues his humorous split-image photo juxtapositions that he refers to as #combophotos. It would be easy enough to sort through countless images on the web to find unusual ways to overlap images, however McMennamy dramatically elevates the quality of his work by utilizing his original photography. In this way, he’s able to perfectly execute the ideas in his head, creating objects, scenes, and hilarious creatures that matchup almost seamlessly. One exception: for a recent elephant/tree mashup McMennamy relied on a photo by Zimbabwe-based photographer Jez Bennett.
You can follow more of McMennamy’s recent work on Instagram and some of his best #combophotos are available as prints.
Using scraps leftover thread from her family’s carpet factory located in Buenos Aires, artist Alexandra Kehayoglou produces handmade wool rugs that mimic natural textures like moss, water, trees, and pastures.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hungry looking at Lego blocks! A Japanese Lego creator who goes by the nickname Tary has sculpted one of the most delicious-looking collections of food made entirely from Lego blocks. From fruit and vegetables to bento boxes, junk food and even desserts, Tary has almost all major food groups covered!
Of course Tary doesn’t only create food. He sculpts Gundam robots and Star Wars characters, each more impressive than the last. But it’s really his food creations that have won him the most recognition. Like that pizza slice! Who could have thought dripping cheese could be so realistically portrayed with hard blocks?
One of Tary’s most recent creations was the Tendon tempura rice bowl. Using a combination of white blocks for the rice and yellow and orange blocks for the deep-fried shrimp tempura, he created a magnificent-looking meal that won 1st place in an original Lego model contest. The entries are on display through May 31, 2016 at ClickBrick Lego store in Odaiba, Tokyo (located within the Venus Fort shopping complex – Gmap) if you’d like to visit. (Syndicated from Spoon & Tamago)
These Know Yourself Cards by The School of Life are going to help you understand who you really are: what you want, how you feel and why you react as you do. A lack of self-knowledge can be trouble, for it makes us get into the wrong relationships, pick unsatisfactory jobs or spend money unwisely. As Socrates said: ‘Know Yourself’.
“Third things are essential to marriages, objects or practices or habits or arts or institutions or games or human beings that provide a site of joint rapture or contentment.”
“The encounter between two differences is an event,” French philosopher Alain Badiou wrote in his tremendous treatise on why we fall and stay in love. “On the basis of this event, love can start and flourish. It is the first, absolutely essential point.” And yet at the heart of this essential event is often a third thing that magnetizes the two differences, drawing them together into romantic union.
That’s what the poet and literary critic Donald Hall (b. September 20, 1928) argues in a gorgeous piece titled “The Third Thing,” originally published in the November 2004 issue of Poetry Magazine.
Donald Hall and Jane Kenyon
Reflecting on his life with his wife, the poet and remarkable wise woman Jane Kenyon, Hall considers the secret to the kind of lasting love that blossoms between the mundane and the magical:
Jane Kenyon and I were married for twenty-three years. For two decades we inhabited the double solitude of my family farmhouse in New Hampshire, writing poems, loving the countryside. She was forty-seven when she died. If anyone had asked us, “Which year was the best, of your lives together?” we could have agreed on an answer: “the one we remember least.” There were sorrowful years — the death of her father, my cancers, her depressions — and there were also years of adventure: a trip to China and Japan, two trips to India; years when my children married; years when the grandchildren were born; years of triumph as Jane began her public life in poetry: her first book, her first poem in the New Yorker. The best moment of our lives was one quiet repeated day of work in our house. Not everyone understood. Visitors, especially from New York, would spend a weekend with us and say as they left: “It’s really pretty here” (“in Vermont,” many added) “with your house, the pond, the hills, but … but … but … what do you do?”
What we did: we got up early in the morning. I brought Jane coffee in bed. She walked the dog as I started writing, then climbed the stairs to work at her own desk on her own poems. We had lunch. We lay down together. We rose and worked at secondary things. I read aloud to Jane; we played scoreless ping-pong; we read the mail; we worked again. We ate supper, talked, read books sitting across from each other in the living room, and went to sleep. If we were lucky the phone didn’t ring all day… Three hundred and thirty days a year we inhabited this old house and the same day’s adventurous routine.
But the substance of this daily love, Hall argues, is not the stuff of romantic tropes. Echoing Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s beautiful sentiment — “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” — Hall writes:
We did not spend our days gazing into each other’s eyes. We did that gazing when we made love or when one of us was in trouble, but most of the time our gazes met and entwined as they looked at a third thing. Third things are essential to marriages, objects or practices or habits or arts or institutions or games or human beings that provide a site of joint rapture or contentment. Each member of a couple is separate; the two come together in double attention. Lovemaking is not a third thing but two-in-one. John Keats can be a third thing, or the Boston Symphony Orchestra, or Dutch interiors, or Monopoly.
For Hall and Kenyon, the third thing was the pond near their home. He writes:
We had our summer afternoons at the pond, which for ten years made a third thing. After naps we loaded up books and blankets and walked across Route 4 and the old railroad to the steep slippery bank that led down to our private beach on Eagle Pond. Soft moss underfoot sent little red flowers up. Ghost birches leaned over water with wild strawberry plants growing under them. Over our heads white pines reared high, and oaks that warned us of summer’s end late in August by dropping green metallic acorns. Sometimes a mink scooted among ferns… Jane dozed in the sun as I sat in the shade reading and occasionally taking a note in a blank book. From time to time we swam and dried in the heat.
Hall’s most piercing point is that the third thing, rather than being an extraneous adornment of the relationship, is a central form of companionship. And when a leakage from a landfill destroyed their pond, he and Kenyon still had their other third thing — poetry. He writes of its singular power to connect and console in the face of life’s darkest moments:
We lived in the house of poetry, which was also the house of love and grief; the house of solitude and art; the house of Jane’s depression and my cancers and Jane’s leukemia. When someone died whom we loved, we went back to the poets of grief and outrage, as far back as Gilgamesh; often I read aloud Henry King’s “The Exequy,” written in the seventeenth century after the death of his young wife. Poetry gives the griever not release from grief but companionship in grief. Poetry embodies the complexities of feeling at their most intense and entangled, and therefore offers (over centuries, or over no time at all) the company of tears. As I sat beside Jane in her pain and weakness I wrote about pain and weakness. Once in a hospital I noticed that the leaves were turning. I realized that I had not noticed that they had come to the trees. It was a year without seasons, a year without punctuation. I began to write “Without” to embody the sensations of lives under dreary, monotonous assault. After I had drafted it many times I read it aloud to Jane. “That’s it, Perkins,” she said. “You’ve got it. That’s it.” Even in this poem written at her mortal bedside there was companionship.
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It’s not often we stop to consider feats of human strength and agility, but this is definitely worth an exception. On November 15, Théo Sanson completed what is likely a new world record for slackline, a 500-meter walk between The Rectory to Castleton Tower in Castle Valley, Utah. The cinematography does a fantastic job of capturing just how ridiculously far he had to walk. Filmed and Edited by Tim Kemple, Renan Ozturk and Anson Fogel of Camp4 Collective. Madness. (via Devour)
There’s a part of today’s consumerist world that drives us to want more, buy more, act on our impulses, hoard, spend to solve our problems, create comfort through shopping, seek thrills through travel, do more, be more.
What would happen if we broke from our addiction to wanting and buying more?
What would life be like if we didn’t need all that?
Imagine a life where we could enjoy simple, free pleasures like going for a walk in nature, meditating, reading a book, writing. By buying less we’d have less debt, less clutter, less to take care of. We’d need smaller houses, less storage. Perhaps we could even work less to support all this buying, unless the work were something we loved to do.
Now, I’m not saying we can free ourselves of all desire. I’ve certainly not learned to do that yet. But what if we could recognize our wants, and not be driven by them? What if we could let go of them when they are not helpful, and instead be happy with what we have?
I’m exploring this myself. I’ll share some things that work for me, with the acknowledgement that I’m still learning, I still fail at this all the time. I have a lot to learn, but here’s what I’ve learned so far:
Recognize when you have an impulse to buy, a desire to do what other people are doing, a need to solve problems or create a certain life by buying things. Learn to see this impulse, and say, “Ah, I have an urge to buy!” Just see it.
Recognize that the impulse isn’t a command, just a feeling that arises like any other, just temporary, like a passing cloud. Watch it, feel it, stay with it, but know that it will pass.
Set a limit to your stuff. I am experimenting with a limit of only having clothes that fit in one bag, but you might set an temporary limit of 33 personal things, one drawerful of clothes, etc. This limit isn’t to feel restricted, but to give you pause before you buy something, to remind you that you already have enough.
See this moment as enough. A desire to buy, to experience what others are experiencing, to do more … these all stem from the idea that the present isn’t enough somehow. We aren’t satisfied with what we are, what we have, what is in front of us … we want more. But I’ve been practicing with the idea that the current moment is already enough. I’m already good enough. There doesn’t need to be more. When I have an impulse to buy or do more, I think about what’s in front of me, and I try to understand that it’s enough as it is.
Enjoy simple things. There is already enough in front of us, right now, that we don’t need more. We can go for a walk, sit and read a book, do some pushups or yoga, sketch or write or play some music, have a conversation with someone, or do nothing and see what that’s like. We can walk barefoot on grass, drink a cup of tea, create something new, learn about something new, be curious about the life that’s in front of us. This is delightful, without needing to buy more or get more.
Finally, recognize that it’s an ongoing practice. In my experience, you don’t just get rid of desires and then you’re done. You let go of one, turn to the present moment, appreciate it, find satisfaction in what there already is … and then a little while later, another desire arises. It comes from advertising, websites, magazines, seeing what other people are doing on social media, watching the news, talking to people, walking past a cool store, seeing a new bag that your friend just bought, etc.
The desires will keep coming back, but we can develop the skill of recognizing them, letting them go, being happy with the enough-ness of now.
Madrid-based origami enthusiast Gonzalo García Calvo has a knack for fiddling with paper. He uses a variety of different techniques and papers to fold impressive animals, objects, and sci-fi figures designed by a number of top origami artists. By day Gonzalo works professionally as a musician but easily gets lost in the challenge of bringing paper to life in his spare time. Seen here is a collection of my favorites, but you can scroll through Flickr to see more. All photos courtesy the artist. (via Demilked)
Designed by Nguyen Hung Cuong
Designed by Artur Biernacki
Origami Dancing Crane designed by Robert Lang and folded from one square of Unryu paper 40×40 cm
I have a friend who is unhappy with his life — being in debt, lonely, with a job he doesn’t like, in a town he doesn’t like.
I asked him what ideals he has about life that his current life isn’t meeting. He reflected for awhile, and said he wants to find work that he’s passionate about and have friends who care about him.
I agreed that those are great things to aspire to … but that he might try finding things about himself and his life that he appreciates. He might try accepting the reality and finding the goodness in the present, rather than comparing his present life to his ideal life and finding it wanting.
The comparison, the ideals, are causing him dissatisfaction. The reality isn’t so bad if we let go of the ideals and just see the present moment as it is. It’s been my experience that when I look at any moment, even uncomfortable ones, I find that there is a lot to be curious about, a lot to appreciate, a lot to discover and love.
He agreed, but then asked whether he should give up all his aspirations. Which is a great question! But no, I’m not suggesting you give up your ambitions and aspirations. It’s only difficult when we attach too tightly to them, and then we can become unhappy with the present.
What I’m suggesting is a loosening of attachment to these ideals, a turning to the present to appreciate it and get to know what’s in front of us better. Once you do this, and accept what’s in front of you, you reach a place of peace.
Here’s the key: from this place of peace, you can then take action towards your aspirations … you can find your passionate work, not because you’re so dissatisfied with your current life, but from a place of acceptance with your current life and a desire to do something good for yourself.
Either way, you take action towards your aspiration, but it can be either from a place of dissatisfaction (and wanting to change something crappy) … or a place of acceptance and peace, and wanting to do something good for yourself (or others).
Here’s the method in summary:
Notice your dissatisfaction.
Notice your ideals that you’re holding tightly to.
Loosen your hold on these ideals, and turn to the present moment.
Really see the present moment with curiosity, find something to appreciate.
Accept the present moment completely, with love.
From this place of peace, respond, take action. It might be toward an aspiration, or not, but it’s a response from a good place.
This method takes a lot of practice, and I’m still not very good at it. I enjoy the practice, though.
I am blessed with many interests, talents, and desires. They pull me in different directions, thereby assuring that movement is forever lateral and never forward. How do I determine which of these fires to stoke?
BABA YAGA:
Whether or not you may say so, there is always ; one fire louder than the others, more consuming., Who knows why–maybe the twigs it devours are aged best, maybe the wind is stillest around it. It is not for you to think on. Let this fire get too ; big. Let it threaten the forest. Let it eat the other fires around it, until they are living in it. You will see ; abandonment of yr smaller flames is not needed to grow yr wildest, most dangerous one.
If feminism is about having the right to make choices, then it’s also about the obligation to make a choice. You cannot choose to have a spouse who’s a breadwinner and who shares everything 50/50. You cannot choose to have everything in life but only do it half the time. Having something—anything—is about commitment. And you cannot choose to have everything up to your standards but also allow other peoples’ standards to prevail.
Being a real feminist means you cannot have everything. So women who are feminists are self-assured enough to make choices to give stuff up. And men who are feminists are brave enough to say that they, too, will be giving up some things.
Here are things men should give up:
1. Give up the idea of 50/50. It doesn’t work. Most Gen Y dads think men should be breadwinners. But many don’t think this way until they have kids. It’s so much easier to live in a fantasy world about kids before there are kids.
The genesis for this post is a video from Jonathan Mann about how he and his wife are dealing with their new baby.
Jonathan basically feels bad that his wife is better at working and taking care of the household than he is. He thinks that he should be doing 50% of the household and baby chores because he is bringing in 50% of the income. He thinks that since he has his wife taking care of 50% of the income, then he should not leave her with more than 50% of the childcare or household chores.
Their baby is very young and therefore it’s unlikely that this will work. Because moms don’t share. Unless there is a full-time stay-at-home dad, and a full-time working-out-of-the-home mom, the mom rules determine the parenting style of a family. Because it’s impossible to have 50/50 breakdown of who sets the rules for parenting, and it’s impossible to parent when you are negotiating every decision, one parent’s style will prevail. It’s not fair to ask the non-prevailing parent to contribute 50% of the work when they don’t get 50% of the input.
It’s like cleaning the bathroom. Most men think the bathroom is clean enough, and most women don’t. There is research to back this up. Which means that you can’t hold a man responsible for meeting standards that are not his own. If the woman wants the bathroom cleaned the way she wants it cleaned then she has to clean it. (Or hire someone.) But the guy can’t do it.
Just as men and women are not equal when it comes to cleaning, men and women are not equal when it comes to career. If you take a male and a female math genius, the women is more likely to choose being a housewife. Please do not tell me there is societal pressure for math Ph.D.’s to become homemakers. There is the opposite, in fact. There is pressure to “live up to your potential.” Yet more women math geniuses choose to take care of kids. Because men and women are different, which is why 50/50 doesn’t work. (Another reason: It’s a financial suicide pact.)
It might seem, for example, that both spouses have equal earning potential, but when kids enter the picture, ambitions change. And most women do not want to advance as far as most men do. But it’s hard to see this proclivity crystalize until the kids have grown out of toddler-hood. And by then it might be too late. So there’s no point in assuming you are the exception to the rule when the stakes are very high and the statistics make it very unlikely.
Additionally, while 1 in 4 women are breadwinners for their homes, this is largely a poor person trend. That is, rich, educated women are driving the trend to stay at home with kids, and poor, uneducated women are driving the trend for women to be breadwinners.
3. Give up housework. Choose some other contribution. Men who do more housework get less sex. There is commentary all over the internet about this research. But the bottom line is that this research goes in tandem with the research that says that no matter how much money women earn, they want to marry a guy who earns more than they do.
Some women will say this is not true. It will be women who do not have school-aged kids. Some women, mostly ENTJs, decide that they have fallen in love with a guy who will not earn as much money as they do, but they love the guy, so it’s fine for them, they decide.
4. Give up being a stay-at-home dad.
There aren’t any. You might think there are, but men who are supposedly stay-at-home dads give up on the idea of “not working” and they start saying they do have a job.
So, for example, a huge number of stay-at-home dads will say they are writers or they are in construction. Because those are jobs you can say you are doing at home and no one needs to give you permission to do them—there’s no need to fake a job hunt.
This is not mean-spirited. I am reporting reality when I tell you that if a dad is a stay-at-home dad with no other job, the world thinks he’s unemployable.
5. Give up trying to something you’re not. Just being you will be a good enough dad. Women are more uptight about kids. I’m not even going to include links for that. If you can’t accept that as truth you probably stopped reading long before now.
Study after study shows that men do not force housework and childcare on women. Men just naturally do not do it. Men don’t mind kids in daycare as much as women do. Men don’t mind a dirty house as much as women do.
If you accept that, then you can accept that your role as a man is to be a man. And the role of a woman is to be a woman. That’s why you chose each other. You decide what that role looks like for you, but no marriage was ever 50/50 and it won’t start now.
These 14 Japanese phrases are fantastic. Especially MAJIME, an earnest, reliable person who can simply get things done without causing drama. The best kind of people.
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Courtesy of Planet Labs Inc.
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Courtesy of Planet Labs Inc.
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