IKEA Monkey

Michael Phelps spoke about viewers being upset he didn’t share a pool with a shark. Now that shark responds.

Dear Mr. Phelps,

I was appalled to learn in The Washington Post that you felt the need to speak to the public about our race on Sunday night. A race I clearly won. I’m dismayed by the falsehoods you told fans in a Facebook Q&A, and against the advice of my legal team I’ve decided to clear the air.

We both know what happened, Michael. In the lead up to the race my camp routinely called for us to share a pool, only to be rebuffed by Team Phelps at every turn. They claimed you were afraid for your safety, characterizing me, a shark, as the bad guy in the contest. We both know how unfair this was. I don’t forget that bottle of 2011 Domaine De La Romanee Conti La Tache we shared after inking the deal with Discovery, or how we talked long into the night about a life of swimming. Evidently you did.

The truth is: You never wanted to see me. This was a scheme hatched between Team Phelps and Discovery to paint you as the hero and me the villain. I had almost no notice or preparation for the race. I was as shocked as everyone to learn on Sunday that you were given flippers. I, per race agreements, swam naked.

I never would have accepted these conditions had I known you were being given an unfair advantage. As a result you only lost our race by two seconds. This has severely damaged my reputation in the aquatic community. My children can’t go to school without being mocked for having a dad who “almost got beat by a land dweller,” and Aquaman conspicuously won’t return my calls anymore.

Even the herd of seals near our house swim close, unafraid, muttering “come and catch us, slowpoke.” Have you ever had your food laugh at you, Mr. Phelps? It doesn’t feel good.

We both know that if you swam naked, as I did, I would have beaten you by at least 10 seconds. This travesty should not be misreported by the Lamestream Media, or perpetuated by you. Keep your medals, enjoy your fleeting glory at almost beating a shark. I know your true colors. They’re not gold. They’re poop-colored. Like poop.

Sincerely,

GW Shark

“I love that dog.”

OK, first things first — just watch this dang video. It’s a dog skateboarding, you literally cannot go wrong. So do it.

Now, take a moment to smile. I know you want to — I mean, you just saw a dog skateboard! So let’s see those pearly whites :).

OK ... so let’s talk about it. Holy smokes that was a dog skateboarding! And at a baseball game, nonetheless, which just adds to the overall coolness of this dog and his human. It’s literally SO COOL. Need I remind you that most people can’t even ride skateboards well? This dog is doing it effortlessly.

But perhaps no one was as impressed by said dog as the game’s announcer, who longingly professed “I love that dog” at the end of the clip. His voice: soft. His heart: pure.

We all love that dog.

I had written half of a relatively silly column when I stopped and read these words online:

"The predators and criminal aliens who poison our communities with drugs and prey on innocent young people — these beautiful, beautiful, innocent young people — will find no safe haven anywhere in our country.

...

WASHINGTON—As legislators gathered Tuesday for a critical vote that would go a long way toward finally repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act, Senator Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV) was reportedly struggling to weigh the interests of her entire constituency against absolutely nothing. “Honestly, it’s a tough call—on one hand, you have opposition to the repeal from a majority of Republicans, virtually all Democrats, and the entire healthcare industry, while on the other, you have not one sound argument or credible opinion,” said Capito, admitting she was, even now, having difficulty balancing her desire to keep as many West Virginians insured as possible with there being no reason whatsoever to do otherwise. “This is an agonizing decision. Sure, there are sound justifications for voting no on ‘repeal and replace,’ but then there’s emptiness, literal emptiness, when you look for reasons to vote yes. All I know is, I have to get this right somehow.” At press time, Senator Capito had resigned herself to the fact that both sides had valid points and she would just have to go with her gut when the time came.

Because the Sixth and Seventh Amendments of the U.S. Constitution are apparently less important than making sure that banks, credit card companies, student loan companies, and other financial services be allowed to behave badly with impunity, the House of Representatives has voted to overturn a new federal regulation that would have helped American consumers hold these companies accountable through the legal system.

In a largely party-line 231-190 vote this afternoon, the House passed a Congressional Review Act resolution that, if also adopted by the Senate and signed by the President, would overturn recently finalized rules from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

Those rules seek to curb the use of “forced arbitration” in many consumers’ financial contracts. These arbitration clauses dictate that any legal dispute between the customer and the bank must be resolved outside of the legal system. Instead, these matters — no matter the scope of the allegation — must go through a closed-door arbitration process, where the results are often confidential, so there is no public record of the alleged wrongdoing.

Additionally, most arbitration clauses include a ban on class actions — even through arbitration. So a bank could, for example, open millions of fake, unauthorized accounts in customers’ names, but then try to block all of those customers from moving forward as a plaintiff class. Rather, each of the millions of wronged customers is required to go through arbitration on their own. As a result, very, very few people ever enter into the arbitration process.

READ MORE: CFPB’s Finalized Arbitration Rule Takes Away Banks’ ‘Get Out Of Jail Free Card’

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s new rule doesn’t bar affected companies from using arbitration clauses, but it severely limits their ability to use class action bans.

Last week, a group of heavily bank-backed lawmakers in both the House and Senate introduced Review Act resolutions to roll back the rule.

READ MORE: Lawmakers Who Want To Hand ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ Card To Banks Made Millions From Financial Sector Last Year

During debate in advance of today’s vote, GOP representatives repeatedly attempted to claim that arbitration is superior to class actions because the typical payout of an arbitration dispute is significantly higher (around $5,000) than in a class action (around $32).

Rep. Dave Trott of Michigan belittled class actions, pointing to a $3.99 settlement he recently received. What the congressman didn’t mention is that he was likely one of thousands — potentially millions — of people who received that $3.99 settlement. To him, it was the price of a latte, but to the company that had to pay that settlement, it was a large financial spanking.

Democratic representatives responded to this repeated criticism by noting that arbitration cases tend to involve small numbers of customers with high-dollar disputes, whereas class actions often involve large numbers of wronged customers with small-dollar issues.

Rep. David Cicilline of Rhode Island mocked the GOP contention that forced arbitration is pro-consumer.

“If these provisions were so beneficial, why do you have to sneak them into the contracts?,” asked Cicilline.

Maryland Rep. John Sarbanes questioned the GOP’s reason for trying to undo these protections.

“Who back home is asking for this?” asked Sarbanes. “Who is coming to the town hall and asking for you to repeal this?”

In the end, only one Republican — Walter Jones of North Carolina — voted against repealing the CFPB rule. No Democrats strayed across the aisle to vote in favor of repeal.

What Choice?

In his closing remarks before the vote, Rep. Jeb Hensarling (TX) — whose campaign received nearly $2 million from financial services companies last year — made the dubious claim that arbitration clauses provide consumers with a “choice” between arbitration and the court system.

The problem is, that this is not at all true in practice. Arbitration clauses generally say that either party in the contract can elect to enter into arbitration, and that the other party must abide by that decision. So yes, if a customer chooses arbitration, they get arbitration, but if a company wants arbitration, the customer has no “choice” to speak of. While this might seem harsh, the Supreme Court has repeatedly upheld that aspect of arbitration clauses.

What Now?

Even though these resolutions to overturn the CFPB rules face huge opposition from consumer advocates, there was little hope that the Republican-dominated House would vote against passing the bill. The Senate resolution may face a tougher fight, as the GOP can only afford to lose two votes to the opposition.

“House Republicans have turned their backs on their constituents for Wall Street’s benefit,” said Christine Hines, legislative director at the National Association of Consumer Advocates. “Instead of supporting a reasonable rule that helps consumers get back their day in court, the U.S. House sided with big banks, which for too long have used their fine-print contracts to take Americans’ rights away.”

“By voting to overturn the CFPB’s arbitration rule, Republicans in Congress are siding with predatory banks, payday lenders, credit card companies and the financial industry against Main Street Americans, and are choosing to be on the wrong side of history,” adds Lisa Gilbert, Vice President of Legislative Affairs, Public Citizen. “Big banks, the financial industry and their allies in Congress are trying to overturn the CFPB’s rule because it will deprive them of a means to rip off consumers.”

“Consumers shouldn’t be forced to give up their legal rights when they sign up for a loan or open a bank account,” says our colleague George Slover, senior policy counsel for Consumers Union. “The CFPB’s rule ensures they can join with others and have their day in court if they’ve been harmed by their bank or credit card company. Repealing the forced arbitration rule will make it harder for consumers to hold financial firms accountable for breaking the law or treating their customers unfairly.”

Lay's has revealed the three finalists to the 2017 "Do Us a Flavor" contest, which has fans suggest new potato chip flavors for a chance to see their idea on the shelves (and win $1 million bucks while they're at it).

The three new finalist flavors are Lay's Crispy Taco, Lay's Kettle Cooked Everything Bagel with Cream Cheese, and Lay's Wavy Fried Green Tomato.

All three flavors are set to arrive nationwide soon but only for a limited time.

Through October 8, 2017, you can vote on your favorite of the three once per day at www.lays.com as well as on their various social media accounts, including Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat.

Photo via Frito-Lay.

More than 135 people reported falling sick between July 13 and July 16 after visiting a Chipotle restaurant in Virginia.

The $27 million project was completed one month ahead of schedule

Just a year after demolition started on the old Western Avenue flyover at the busy intersection of Belmont, Clybourn, and Western avenues, Mayor Rahm Emanuel has acknowledged the formal conclusion of the major reconstruction project a month ahead of schedule and on budget.

The former viaduct, which was constructed in 1961 to help ease traffic and congestion passing through the Riverview amusement park, had deteriorated over the decades and was deemed to be "structurally deficient" by inspectors in the years before its demolition.

Demolition of the overpass began in March 2016, reducing Western Avenue to single lanes in each direction. The project to develop Western, which spans a 1.25 mile stretch of Western Avenue from Waveland Avenue on the North to Logan Boulevard on the south, features a reconstructed roadway with two travel lanes in each direction during off peak hours, and three lanes in each direction in rush hour periods through the use of the curbside parking lanes.

New medians with simple landscaping and trees now occupy much of the center of Western Avenue along the path of the former viaduct. Despite the effort put into the $27.3 million project, transit advocates suggest that more could have been done to make the stretch more pedestrian and bicycle friendly.

• Mayor Declares Western Viaduct Project Complete — Early And On Budget [DNAinfo]
• New Flyover-Free Western Avenue Corridor Is a Mixed Bag From a Safety Perspective [Streetsblog Chicago]
• Western Avenue Overpass Demolition Now Underway [Curbed Chicago]

This is the only residence in Logan Square listed for under $100,000

So, you’ve saved up your money and you’re ready to buy your first place but you want to stay in Logan Square. Well, you’re in luck because amazingly, you can actually get something for under $100,000. However, once you get a look at the listing images, it makes sense. Let’s take a quick look around.

For $99,000, you can own this below-grade unit on West Dickens Avenue. There’s no open floor plan here—this is a long narrow residence. The square footage isn’t listed, but the unit doesn’t look exactly spacious. You’re also several blocks from Palmer Square and another few blocks away from the ‘L’ at this location.

However, if the budget is tight, you’re not going to find much else in this price range around Logan Square. In fact, this is the only listing in the entire neighborhood at the $100,000 price mark.

• 3606 W Dickens Avenue Unit GW Chicago, IL 60647 [Redfin]

A large study of former football players published Tuesday found evidence of brain disease in nearly all of them, from athletes in the NFL to high school.

No stone was left unturned in this classic Tudor Revival residence

To sum this house up on one word: Wow. Where do we start? Here’s a contemporary renovation of an old Tudor Revival that is not only respectful to the house and the surrounding community, but it’s also very functional. This is a great example of luxury finishes that are classic luxury—tasteful finishes and tones that aren’t over the top and aren’t going to go out of date in a few years.

It’d be interesting to see some before images to see the condition of the original interiors and to see how much this one has come along since it was last sold in October 2011 for $435,000. However, there are some original finishes still around, most notably an incredible stained glass piece at the bottom of the staircase.

From the curb appeal to the finely crafted kitchen to the solarium and back deck area, there’s a lot to like about this one. And with six bedroom and four and a half bathrooms spanning 6,000 square feet, there’s a lot of room here. The $1.299 million can’t buy a ostentatious French chateau-inspired behemoth in Lincoln Park, but it can get you a lot of house and a lot of look in Uptown.

Do you have a listing you’d like to share with the Curbed audience? Please direct all rental and for-sale listings to our tip line.

• 4535 N Beacon Street, Chicago, Illinois 60640 [@properties]

The Senate Republican drive to pass a sweeping rewrite of the nation's health care laws took another unexpected turn late Monday when the office of Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., announced he would return to Washington for a planned Tuesday vote.

McCain, who was recently diagnosed with an aggressive...

Ketchup held. [ more › ]

20,000 Pokémon fans from around the world descended upon Grant Park over the weekend

Pokémon Go fans from around the country—and even around the world—descended upon Grant Park in Chicago this past weekend for the chance to catch legendary creatures and to battle with advanced trainers from across the globe. According to organizers, the event brought nearly 20,000 people to downtown Chicago to mark the one-year anniversary of the game. However, the festival was not free from technical glitches and other crippling issues—Saturday’s event was plagued by constant log-in issues and poor data reception causing game developer Niantic to issue refunds and in-game credits to attendees.

Many attendees who posted images to Instagram didn’t appear to be too upset by the technical issues that affected the festival. Grant Park was transformed into a giant Pokémon arena on Saturday and fans of the game were seen at sites all over downtown trying to catch the virtual creatures.

While the event didn’t go as planned, it brought thousands together on a beautiful day in Chicago. Here’s a quick look at just some of the images and videos from the event posted on social media.

• Niantic ‘horrified’ by Pokémon Go Fest [Polygon]
• Community and fandom ruled Pokémon Go Fest amid devastating technical problems [The Verge]

They called it the black song. For the humpback whales of eastern Australia, it was irresistibly catchy.

Back in the mid-1990s, those whales were singing a completely different tune—a melody known to researchers (for arbitrary reasons) as the pink song. But in 1995, a small number of humpbacks from the west of the continent made it over to the east, bringing a foreign tune with them. That tune—the black song—was a viral hit. Within three years, it completely replaced the pink one, which has never been heard again. It then dominated the humpback charts for another couple of years. It was remixed, creating the gray song. And it too was eventually ousted by another tune.

Michael Noad from the University of Queensland discovered these musical revolutions in 2000 by analyzing recordings of signing humpbacks, captured with underwater microphones dangled off the side of boats. These recordings revealed that during the time when the pink and black songs were vying for dominance, most humpbacks sang either one or the other. But a minority—just three out of 112—sang hybrid tunes, mixing leitmotifs from both the outgoing melody and the incipient one.

Noad’s former student Ellen Garland has also discovered another of these rare hybrid singers. And they, she thinks, provide important clues about how these beautiful animals learn and tweak their mesmeric melodies.

Today, the songs of humpbacks are famous. They fill the halls of spas and they’ve been satirized by Pixar. But fifty years ago, they were largely unknown. That changed in 1968, when scientist Katy Payne and her then-husband Roger took a trip to Bermuda and met a Navy engineer who had been inadvertently recording the whales. “Tears flowed from our cheeks,” Payne later told NPR about the first time she heard the recordings. “We were just completely transfixed and amazed because the sounds are so beautiful, so powerful—so variable.”

The Paynes showed that the calls have a structure that strongly resembles human songs, that they change dramatically and irreversibly over time, and that they even contain repeated elements akin to human rhymes. Roger also released some of his own recordings in an album that became a surprising smash-hit, helping to spark the Save the Whales movement and ultimately leading to a ban on whaling.

It’s only male humpbacks who sing, and they only do so during the breeding season. “We aren’t sure whether it is for attracting mates or repelling rivals but it has something to do with mating,” says Ellen Garland. The songs are hierarchical. Single sounds—units—are grouped into phrases, which are repeated to form themes, which are delivered in a specific order to create a song.

At any given time, all the males in a population sing the same song, but those songs also change. Like jazz musicians, males riff off the classics, making small tweaks as they go. And occasionally, they throw the current song out the window and take up a completely new one—revolution, rather than mere evolution. “We think that the males change their songs to be a bit different to other whales around them, and be more attractive to the ladies,” says Garland. “This is then reeled in by the need to conform, which is the same as with humans. In our society, when a new fashion appears, a few savvy people embrace it and everyone else quickly follows.”

In 2011, Garland and Noad showed that these revolutions take place very quickly, and across entire oceans. Like “cultural ripples,” songs that arise in one end of the Pacific can spread to the other within a few years, “This is incredibly quick,” says Garland, “as whales need to learn all the intricacies of the new song.”

To understand more about how this process happens, Garland and her team analyzed recordings that caught humpbacks in the act of switching songs. These mash-ups, where the whales were blending both old and new melodies, were so rare that the team had only recorded five in over 20 years of fieldwork—and one was too poor in quality to use.

Still, the other four hybrids revealed a clear pattern: The humpbacks were combining themes from both old and new songs, but leaving each individual theme largely untouched. Sometimes, they sang a transitional phrase to bridge the gap between the two segments. Sometimes, they melded one song into another at places that were musically similar, like the world’s largest deejays.

To the team, this suggests that whale don’t learn their songs as a whole (which makes sense, given that they can last for up to 30 minutes). Instead, a male humpback will progressively learn a new song by memorizing its themes and combining them with older ones. This is called “chunking” and it’s how human children learn languages and songbirds learn songs. Perhaps something similar is going on in the brains of all these species.

But Eduardo Mercado III from the University of Buffalo notes that it’s not clear from the recordings if the whales are genuinely learning new material, or simply flubbing their lines. “There is no way to really know,” he says, “but I definitely agree that humpback whales are an important species to study in terms of trying to understand vocal learning. We humans are the only terrestrial mammals that do anything remotely similar to singing humpback whales.”

There are other similar examples in the ocean, though. In sperm whales and killer whales, different clans have their own specific dialects, which individuals learn from those around them. “The evidence is clear that cetaceans show some of the most sophisticated cultural behavior outside of humans,” Garland says.

The Stranger Things season two trailer dropped during Comic-Con last evening. The best part of the clip is the use of Vincent Price’s spooky voiceover in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” — so at least you know there’s plenty more ‘80s nostalgia to come. As the traumatized residents of Hawkins, Indiana struggle to get back to normal, there’s more monsters and Upside-Down-ness looming large and badder than before. Stranger Things season two returns to Netflix on October 27 — just in time for Halloween.

Both Democrat and Republican leaders in the US Congress have agreed on legislation to punish Russia for election meddling. While the US President could veto the bill, doing so would fuel suspicion he is too supportive of Vladimir Putin's federal republic. The legislation, which will be voted on by the House of Representatives on Tuesday, would allow new sanctions against Russia for its annexation of Crimea in 2014 as well as its alleged meddling in the US election.

Mark Corallo has resigned from his position as spokesman and communications strategist for President Donald Trump's legal team, a senior administration official told CNN Thursday night.

A massive sinkhole in Florida that gulped down two houses on Friday won't stop growing—forcing ten households to evacuate as it closes in on their property like some bloodthirsty villain from a B-movie, International Business Times reports.

The bubbling death trap escalated from a small dent in the earth in one Land O' Lakes resident's backyard to a 235-foot-wide, 50-foot-deep monstrosity. It's already eaten up two homes, a boat, and a hot tub, and it's only getting wider—prompting local law enforcement in the Florida town to warn a few nearby residents that they may need to evacuate at a moment's notice.

"This is not a time for panic," local public safety administrator Kevin Guthrie told IBTimes. "When we say, 'Now is the time to leave,' it's time to leave. It's not time to pack things up."

According to CNN, not only has the sinkhole caused an immense amount of damage, but it's also churning up a mix of potentially harmful chemicals.

"We're treating this, in essence, as a hazmat incident," Guthrie said.

Sinkholes are no joke. A particularly brutal one swallowed up a Florida man back in 2013, and another on Long Island killed a New Yorker just this year. One even opened up in front of President Trump's "Winter Whitehouse" in Palm Beach. They're a particularly big problem in the Sunshine State, where much of the terrain underground is composed of limestone and dolomite, liable to dissolve when they're exposed to too much rainwater, according to the Florida Department of Environmental Protection.

As water filters through the porous rock, it tends to decompose and drift away, leaving "extensive underground voids" in its wake—peppering the state with swaths of land that could open up at any moment. The sinking ground can also mess with the community's water supply, though so far, none of the 20 underground wells in Land O' Lakes showed evidence of E. coli, New York Daily News reports.

That's enough to make resident Patty Cumanas, who lives near the sinkhole, a little nervous—but with an environmental problem that spans the state, she said she doesn't feel like she has too many options.

"I'm apprehensive, a little nervous," the 57-year-old told ABC News. "Where are you going to go? There are sinkholes all over Florida. Unless something happens that the sinkhole takes my house, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon."

Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.

India's richest man Mukesh Ambani said Friday that his telecoms venture Jio would launch a free smartphone, escalating a price war that is shaking up the country's ultra-competitive mobile market. The announcement, made at a boisterous Reliance Industries annual general meeting in Mumbai, sent shares in rival telecoms operator Bharti Airtel plummeting almost six percent. "This breakthrough and revolutionary device named JioPhone, along with Jio's disruptive tariff, will unleash the power of digital life in the hands of 1.3 billion citizens of the largest democracy in the world," said Ambani.

You won’t need a beach in Flavortown to wear the Guy Fieri Swimsuit. While giant faces printed on swimsuits is all the rage, it was inevitable that the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives host would be adorning torsos this summer. Brought to us by Beloved, the swimsuits are $50, which includes a Guy on the back. […]

Ready for more BATSHIT BONKERS excerpts from Donald Trump’s BATSHIT BONKERS New York Times interview? Because we have some! We already hit some of the big things this morning. Donald Trump hates Attorney General Jeff Sessions now because Sessions had the audacity to follow the law and recuse himself from all things related to the Russia investigation, due to how he’s a player in that scandal. You have to be dirty in the Russia conspiracy to recuse yourself from investigating the Russia conspiracy, after all. We learned Trump probably would fire special counsel Robert Mueller if Mueller’s investigation started monkeying around looking at the Trump organization’s finances, because Trump doesn’t understand how special counsels work. (Mueller’s investigation is of course doing just that. Like literally right this second.)

We also learned that Trump totally knew about Junior’s little Russian conspiracy meeting, even though he recently said it was brand new news to him, and that he thinks former FBI director James Comey told him about the pee hookers in the (not discredited) Steele Dossier as a way to get “leverage” over him, which is weird since the dossier had been flying around Washington for months when Comey finally told Trump about it. Donald Trump is a fucking moron.

Speaking of that, here are a few more times Trump was a fucking moron during his big stupid New York Times interview!

Donald Trump’s secret dinner sexxx meeting with Vladimir Putin was just about bouncy Russian babies, HOW WEIRD!

Trump opened up and shared about his dinner meeting with Putin at the G20, and surprise, he says the meeting was about BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES. That’s so odd, because BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES was Junior’s first explanation for what happened in his Russian conspiracy meeting. Were Trump’s wires just crossed, and he forgot that BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES was the lie they were using for the Junior meeting, but he accidentally told it about the Putin Sexxx Meeting too, because he’s a senile idiot? Or was he telling the truth? Who can say!

Here’s how it went down, according to Trump:

TRUMP: [Melania] was sitting next to Putin and somebody else, and that’s the way it is. So the meal was going, and toward dessert I went down just to say hello to Melania, and while I was there I said hello to Putin. Really, pleasantries more than anything else. It was not a long conversation, but it was, you know, could be 15 minutes. Just talked about — things. Actually, it was very interesting, we talked about adoption. […]

We talked about Russian adoption. Yeah. I always found that interesting. Because, you know, he ended that years ago. And I actually talked about Russian adoption with him, which is interesting because it was a part of the conversation that Don [Jr., Mr. Trump’s son] had in that meeting.

Interesting! Remember that talking about Russian adoption is code for lifting U.S. sanctions on Russia. (We explained that here.) The Kremlin also too says they talked about bouncy Russian babies, so unless the Kremlin is also lying (or unless they coordinated their message with Trump via the secret wire tapp the Russians put in his bottom), that means they talked about Trump lifting all the sanctions, in order to be nice to Russia and fuck America. President Russian Agent say what?

Trump explained how he had been sitting next to Akie Abe, wife of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, at the dinner, and how they had a very nice time, except for how hard it was because she doesn’t speak A LICK OF ENGLISH. That’s odd, because …

 

LOL, she was like “No English, dirty orange man!” Smart woman.

Donald Trump thinks health insurance costs $12 per month.

Addressing the GOP fight to kill people by depriving them of health insurance, Trump spoke semi-admiringly about how hard Hillary Clinton worked in the 1990s and how hard Barack Obama worked in his first term to fix healthcare. Then he HUMBLE-BRAGGED about how Hillary never got it done and it took Obama over a year, meanwhile Trump has only been president for six months and he … um, hasn’t fixed healthcare. BUT IN HIS ADDLED BRAIN HE HAS, and that’s what counts.

Then he showed just how well he understands health insurance:

HABERMAN: That’s been the thing for four years. When you win an entitlement, you can’t take it back.

TRUMP: But what it does, Maggie, it means it gets tougher and tougher. As they get something, it gets tougher. Because politically, you can’t give it away. So preexisting conditions are a tough deal. Because you are basically saying from the moment the insurance, you’re 21 years old, you start working and you’re paying $12 a year for insurance, and by the time you’re 70, you get a nice plan. Here’s something where you walk up and say, “I want my insurance.” It’s a very tough deal, but it is something that we’re doing a good job of.

Later, he added, “I know a lot about healthcare.” We are trying to remember our awesome $12/mo. health plan from when we were 21, but we can’t because Donald Trump is just talking out of his spray-tanned asshole about something he’s clueless about.

OH WAIT is he talking about one of those cheap scammy life insurance things from the TV? That … is not health insurance? One reason this is weird is because he used to know what health insurance was, back when he took it away from his baby grandnephew with cerebral palsy. We guess you forget things when you get old.

Trump really has fun when he gets to go to Foreign Land.

On his speech in Poland:

TRUMP: I have had the best reviews on foreign land. […] Enemies of mine in the media, enemies of mine are saying it was the greatest speech ever made on foreign soil by a president.

Nope, nobody fucking said that, not ever. It certainly wasn’t better than Barack Obama’s Berlin speech. Or any other speech on foreign soil given by an American president who speaks English.

On how much Emmanuel Macron loves to hold him with his sexxx hands:

TRUMP: He’s a great guy. Smart. Strong. Loves holding my hand.

HABERMAN: I’ve noticed.

TRUMP: People don’t realize he loves holding my hand. And that’s good, as far as that goes.

On Napoleon and Hitler and world history in general:

TRUMP: Well, Napoleon finished a little bit bad. […] And his one problem is he didn’t go to Russia that night because he had extracurricular activities, and they froze to death. How many times has Russia been saved by the weather?

Also Hitler ran into some difficulties with the weather.

A lot of people don’t know Napoleon and Hitler only lost to Russia because they were doing extracurricular activities and also BRRRRRRR.

Good interview, President Fucknuts. Please, sir, do another!

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[New York Times]

 

Over half of the killings of American women are related to intimate partner violence, with the vast majority of the victims dying at the hands of a current or former romantic partner, according to a new report released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today.

The CDC analyzed the murders of women in 18 states from 2003 to 2014, finding a total of 10,018 deaths. Of those, 55 percent were intimate partner violence-related, meaning they occurred at the hands of a former or current partner or the partner’s family or friends. In 93 percent of those cases, the culprit was a current or former romantic partner. The report also bucks the strangers-in-dark-alleys narrative common to televised crime dramas: Strangers perpetrated just 16 percent of all female homicides, fewer than acquaintances and just slightly more than parents.

About a third of the time, the couple had argued right before the homicide took place, and about 12 percent of the deaths were associated with jealousy. The majority of the victims were under the age of 40, and 15 percent were pregnant. About 54 percent were gun deaths.

Black women were most likely to die by homicide of any kind, at 4.4 deaths per 100,000 people, followed by Native American women, Hispanics, and finally whites and Asians. Data from earlier reports suggest a far smaller percentage of men—around 5 to 7 percent—were killed by intimate partners.

To reduce domestic violence, the CDC report recommends better bystander training and screening in doctors’ offices. The report also notes, “State statutes limiting access to firearms for persons under a domestic violence restraining order can serve as another preventive measure associated with reduced risk for intimate partner homicide and firearm intimate partner homicide.” Indeed, past studies have shown that an abuser’s possession of a gun greatly increases the risk of female homicide.

Still, loopholes in gun laws mean that abusive spouses and partners often can keep their guns, even if they can’t buy new ones. And the consequences of those loopholes, for women, can be deadly.

---

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In a loss for the Trump administration, the Supreme Court Wednesday left intact a lower court opinion that temporarily exempts grandparents and other relatives from President Donald Trump's travel ban.

BAD NEWS, WONKERS! YOUR PRESIDENT IS COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE!

Yesterday, three New York Times reporters sat down with Donald Trump for his first non-Fox interview in weeks. Why does he keep coming back to the failing New York Times when they always make him look like a lunatic? How does Maggie Haberman get him to say all this crazy stuff? And how are we only six months into this horrible nightmare?

Around 9PM the Times dropped a partial transcript which is so bonkers that we are actually feeling a little lightheaded. And to prove they aren’t FAKE NEWS, they released audio of some of the best bits.

OMG! This thing really happened!

Let’s start the morning off with the Top 5 Holy Shit Moments. There will be so much more later! But for now, let’s gown up and dive in.

[Editrix’s Note: After Your 5$F wrote this article, the New York Times dumped another mountain of crazy words online. We’ll have more stories soon!]

1. Poor Donald! Stuck With an Attorney General Who Can’t Even Kill a Russia Investigation!

TRUMP: Well, Sessions should have never recused himself, and if he was going to recuse himself, he should have told me before he took the job, and I would have picked somebody else.

HABERMAN: He gave you no heads up at all, in any sense?

TRUMP: Zero. So Jeff Sessions takes the job, gets into the job, recuses himself. I then have — which, frankly, I think is very unfair to the president. How do you take a job and then recuse yourself? If he would have recused himself before the job, I would have said, “Thanks, Jeff, but I can’t, you know, I’m not going to take you.” It’s extremely unfair, and that’s a mild word, to the president. So he recuses himself. I then end up with a second man, who’s a deputy.

TRUMP: So Jeff Sessions, Jeff Sessions gave some bad answers.

HABERMAN: You mean at the hearing?

TRUMP: Yeah, he gave some answers that were simple questions and should have been simple answers, but they weren’t. He then becomes attorney general, and he then announces he’s going to recuse himself. Why wouldn’t he have told me that before?

Hooboy! Donald Trump knows who the real victim is here, and it is DONALD TRUMP! How dare Jeff Sessions leave him hanging with no Attorney General to protect him from the Russia investigation! And for what? Lying about those one or twelve meetings with the Russians? PFFFFT. If Jeff Sessions was going to knuckle under like a pussy every time someone questioned his ethics, then he should never have taken a job in the Trump Administration!

Will Jeff Sessions You’re Fired himself and hitch a ride back to Alabammy by Monday? We would not be FOR SHOCKED, and Rachel Maddow has already announced a Resignation Watch for the Keebler Elf we all love to hate. Clearly Donald Trump expected that the top law enforcement officer in the country would have eighty-sixed the whole Russia business by now, instead of sticking him with some four-eyed, fake Republican from Baltimore. We almost feel sorry for Jeff Sessions, who has been unfailingly loyal to his lunatic boss. But then we remember that he’s that backwardass bigot Jeff Sessions, and we knock that shit right off!

2. Trump Would Consider Firing Mueller If He Started Investigating Trump’s Company

SCHMIDT: Last thing, if Mueller was looking at your finances and your family finances, unrelated to Russia — is that a red line?

HABERMAN: Would that be a breach of what his actual charge is?

TRUMP: I would say yeah. I would say yes.

HABERMAN: Would you fire Mueller if he went outside of certain parameters of what his charge is? [crosstalk]

SCHMIDT: What would you do?

[crosstalk]

TRUMP: I can’t, I can’t answer that question because I don’t think it’s going to happen.

Well, Trump didn’t produce a map with a red “X” and say, “Mueller better not dig here, because that is definitely NOT where the bodies are buried.” Although they haven’t published a full transcript yet, so who knows what scoops the afternoon may bring! God knows what’s going to crawl out if special counsel Robert Mueller starts turning over rocks in Trumpland. But Trump railed for years against the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act (FCPA) because how can Americans compete overseas if they can’t pay bribes? One of the first things he does in office is try to weaken the FCPA. And now he’s threatening to Saturday Night Massacre Robert Mueller if he starts looking into the Trump Organization’s business practices. The guy’s not worried about someone finding a blue dress with his DNA on it, if you know what we mean!

3. Trump Knew About DJ and Jared’s Russian Intel Connection BEFORE The Meeting!

TRUMP: I just heard there was an email requesting a meeting or something — yeah, requesting a meeting. That they have information on Hillary Clinton, and I said — I mean, this was standard political stuff.

SCHMIDT: Did you know at the time that they had the meeting?

TRUMP: No, I didn’t know anything about the meeting.

WHAT???? Don, Jr has been swearing to anyone who will listen that his father never knew that they were meeting with representatives of the Russian government to get dirt on Hillary. Trump himself told Reuters last week, “I didn’t know until a couple of days ago when I heard about this.” But under Haberman hypnosis he remembers that he did know about it beforehand.

Holy shit! We might have to lie down for a minute!

4. Trump Accused James Comey of Trying to Use The Steele Dossier as Leverage

TRUMP: When he [James B. Comey] brought it [the dossier] to me, I said this is really made-up junk. I didn’t think about anything. I just thought about, man, this is such a phony deal.

HABERMAN: You said that to him?

TRUMP: Yeah…

TRUMP: So anyway, in my opinion, he shared it so that I would think he had it out there.

SCHMIDT: As leverage?

TRUMP: Yeah, I think so. In retrospect. In retrospect.

What even are you talking about, Poppy! Mother Jones had the Steele dossier in October of 2016. John McCain (may he live to be 120!) had it in December, and he gave it to the FBI. Half the newspapers in the country had it by the time James Comey had that awkward conversation with you on January 6, 2017. But please, tell us more about how mean James Comey was blackmailing you with a bunch of “phony” stories that was known to every media outlet and large parts of the intelligence services.

5. Donald Trump Thinks The FBI Director Reports To The President

TRUMP: And nothing was changed other than Richard Nixon came along. And when Nixon came along [inaudible] was pretty brutal, and out of courtesy, the F.B.I. started reporting to the Department of Justice. But there was nothing official, there was nothing from Congress. There was nothing — anything. But the F.B.I. person really reports directly to the president of the United States, which is interesting. You know, which is interesting. And I think we’re going to have a great new F.B.I. director.

HABERMAN: Chris Wray.

TRUMP: He’s highly thought of by everybody. I think I did the country a great service with respect to Comey.

Here on Planet Earth, the FBI Director reports to the Attorney General. It is wildly inappropriate for the President to intervene in any pending investigation, particularly one which concerns his family. But thank you for letting us know that you intend to supervise Christopher Wray directly after he is confirmed! He must really appreciate you vouching for his independence and integrity!

Okay, Wonkers! Remember to breathe!

[New York Times]

Wonkette is ad-free! And for the record, we’d have asked the old goat about his plan to throw 32 million people off health insurance! Please click to fund us!

John McCain has been diagnosed with brain cancer, according to a statement released by the Mayo Clinic on behalf of the Republican senator and his family on Wednesday.

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The Rose Victorian was built in 1877

Have a nomination for a jaw-dropping listing that would make a mighty fine House of the Day? Get thee to the tipline and send us your suggestions. We'd love to see what you've got.

Location: Dennis, Massachusetts

Price: $575,000

Pink and purple, the Rose Victorian of Dennis, Massachusetts (located near the center of Cape Cod), presents a pretty picture of an old house that has been lovingly maintained and restored for the enjoyment of future generations.

Originally built in 1877 for Captain Calvin Baker, the five-bedroom home features many charming period details including hardwood floors, molding, an array of floral wallpaper, gorgeous woodwork, and marble fireplaces.

In addition, several formal rooms like front and back parlors and a dining room, plus a summer porch, a spacious kitchen, and three bathrooms are arranged across a well proportioned 2,863-square-foot floorplan.

It’s no wonder, then, that this elegant residence would play generous hostess to events such as poetry readings, high tea, or any relaxing affair. Located at 485 Main Street, the property, along with its several outbuildings including a carriage house currently operating as a vintage shop, is available for $575,000.

Via: Sotheby’s International Realty