IKEA Monkey

If there’s one thing that gives evangelical Christians the vapors, it’s the idea that at any given moment, somewhere in the world, a gay person might be eating cake. They don’t want to inadvertently give gay people cakes to eat on their wedding days and they certainly do not want school children who might be gay…

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These nearby towns give "Beer City USA" a run for its money. READ MORE...

I bet you already have a dozen leggings crammed in your closet, but trust: you need one more. You need the Ridge Merino Crowley Tights. Do not pass go, do not collect $100; instead just find yourself some internet and order up a pair faster than you can say, “Thank me later.”

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For weeks now, various groups on the Right have been screaming their faces off about Burger King's Impossible Whopper. Mostly neo-nazis who think the soy in it is going to turn all of the men into women, on account of how they are bad at science. Of course, given the history of Nazis and science, this is probably for the best.

But now, fresh off of their brief success in getting the Hallmark Channel to momentarily pull a commercial featuring two women getting married and K-I-S-S-I-N-G, The One Million Moms Living Inside One Very Angry Lady Named Monica Cole have decided to jump on that bandwagon. No, Cole is not concerned about manboobs, she is very upset because in their advertisements for the Impossible Whopper, someone used "the d-word."

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Via One Million Moms:

Burger King is airing a commercial that uses profanity to advertise its Impossible Whopper – a burger made from plants instead of beef.

The language in the commercial is offensive, and it's sad that this once family restaurant has made yet another deliberate decision to produce a controversial advertisement instead of a wholesome one.

In the Burger King commercial that is currently airing on TV, customers' responses are being videoed as they taste-test the Impossible Whopper. One man is completely shocked that the burger is not beef, so he uses the d-word to describe how he feels about himself for being deceived by the taste of the burger.

One Million Moms finds this highly inappropriate. When responding to the taste test, he didn't have to curse. Or if, in fact, it was a real and unscripted interview in which the man was not an actor, then Burger King could have simply chosen to edit the profanity out of the commercial.

Burger King's Impossible Whopper ad is irresponsible and tasteless. It is extremely destructive and damaging to impressionable children viewing the commercial. We all know children repeat what they hear.

This ad is airing during prime time, when families are likely watching. Burger King should be more responsible in its marketing decisions. Let the fast-food restaurant know that as a parent and a customer you are disgusted by its recent marketing choices.

Burger King needs to know parents do not approve!

Delicious? Delectable? Dick? Doodyface?

Nope.

As it turns out, the word Cole is probably upset about is "damn" — a word which, I believe, also appears in a little book called The Bible a couple two three times.

Jesus Christ Superstar redub - Damned For All Time / Blood Money www.youtube.com

Behold, the damned advertisement in which a guy says "Damn that's good," which will surely result in all of Monica Cole's children saying "damn" and thus being damned for all time.

It seems like Cole is really scraping the bottom of the damned bottle here. What is it that she actually wants to happen? For swear words to only be revealed to people on their 18th birthday? Like "Happy Birthday, here are a bunch of bad words you never knew existed until this very moment!?" And will that be before or after the existence of gay people is revealed to them?

This seems like a rather difficult thing to accomplish unless Cole plans to raise her children in some kind of Amish-type situation where they don't have any access to zippers or Burger King commercials where a guy says "Damn." And, you know, maybe that is something she should consider. At the very least, it would keep her from constantly embarrassing herself on the internet.

[One Million Moms via Towleroad]

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Saturday Night Live is on a break, but the show’s been guiding us through the dry weeks with a slew of supercuts of some of its best recurring sketches. The latest such release contains almost a full hour of “What Up With That,” Diondre Jones’ (Kenan Thompson) talk show that keeps getting overtaken by the host’s love…

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Photos by Redfin, courtesy of listing agent Keith Brand

The three-bedroom has a large backyard, too

A brand new three-bedroom Humboldt Park home is on the market for under $500,000.

The two-story home comes with a stand out interior: panelled accent walls, gold light fixtures, and an array of glam tile selections. The kitchen and living room have an open layout and are on the main floor. In addition to high-end countertops and cabinets, the dining area also has an geometric-patterned wallpaper.

The bedrooms are all located upstairs, along with the laundry. The master bedroom has a dark teal accent wall, large windows, and great closet space. The ensuite bathroom features deep blue-grey shower tiles which pairs perfectly with the gold shower head.

The corner lot property has a spacious backyard and two-car garage, too.

It’s also a few blocks from one of the city’s best green spaces, the 207-acre Humboldt Park. It has lagoons, gardens, baseball fields, a boathouse, and the only inland beach.

Sound like a good fit? It’s listed with Keith Brand of Redfin for $439,000.

Noah Hawley’s anthological riff on the Coens’ Fargo has always sported a wry sense of humor, but it’s perhaps as low-key zany as ever in this trailer for the show’s fourth season. As we’ve previously reported, this installment centers on a “tenuous truce” between the head of an African American crime family and the…

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Yesterday, Lifehacker's Claire Lower shared a tip so genius that I—a real canned meat freak—am quite frankly jealous I didn't think of it myself. Cook SPAM in your waffle maker, Lower suggested, as my brain exploded in frame-by-frame slow motion.

Not only will this method cook both sides evenly, Lower explained, but the increased surface area by virtue of the waffle's raised ridges will increase the number of crispy spots. Yes. I am extremely here for this.

Most people in the food world will at this point tell you that single-purpose kitchen gadgets are a no-go, cluttering our cabinets to the chagrin of Alton Brown devotees and Marie Kondo enthusiasts. The waffle maker is the exception, which is solitary in motive only by name. In practice, the waffle maker is a truly multi-purpose gadget, as websites like "Will It Waffle?" have proven time and time again. The waffle maker remains the one gadget to rule them all, and the only "life hack"—a category that is mostly bullshit (sorry to the rest of this life hack website)—that really matters.

The "Will It Waffle?" blog, for example, has yielded a cookbook with 53 waffleable ideas including waffled stuffing, waffled arancini, waffled shrimp wontons, and waffled chicken fingers. None of these ideas are bad, and I dare you to attempt them and somehow not feel absolutely delighted by the end result, even if it's not exactly perfect. Making something more crispy and more covered in butter is rarely a bad thing.

Newer copycats touting the "150 best waffle maker recipes" and 70+ "keto chaffle recipes" (a keto-friendly waffle made of cheese and eggs... um, duh) now also exist, and you know what? No matter how much I might gag at the thought of calling a waffle a "chaffle" for no good reason other than a mediocre attempt at branding, the conceit of putting whatever the hell I want in a waffle maker and ooh-ing and aaaah-ing at the crispy golden result brings joy to my life every time I've ever done it. Take the rest of your stupid "life hacks" and shove it.

Hey, remember flat-earthers? The people who think the Earth is, y’know, flat? It was more of a media trend when a few athletes and musicians suddenly started taking up the cause a couple years back . Still, despite the flat-earthers fading from the conspiratorial consciousness—damn you, QAnon!—true believers are…

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Source: Jax Kranitz on Instagram

Weird flex, but OK.

It’s early January, which means gyms everywhere are more crowded than usual with the New Year’s resolution folks (myself included). We all want to get in better shape, but it’s important to remember to understand your limitations.

For instance, when someone posts a “new flex challenge” on Instagram, not everybody will be able to do it. Especially when said challenge is this:

From laying down on your stomach with hands behind your back, the challenge is to get up without going on your side or back.

I don’t even know how to respond to this, it’s so amazing. My first thought was somehow get to your knees then try to finagle yourself upright, but before I complete my mental gymnastics this person was up with ridiculous ease.

This person is Jax Kranitz, a student at the University of Iowa who was on the gymnastics team last year as a freshman before deciding to step away from the sport in November. Suddenly it all became clear how this seemed so easy for her, to move so fluidly. I could only stare in awe, like seeing parkour for the first time (You can just walk up the wall with no accessories needed? Really?).

My spirit animal is the person behind the camera of this video, with the astonished “EXCUSE ME?” reaction to what they just witnessed. We’re all stunned, man.

Back to the point of this new flex challenge — we need to remember that the percentage of the population who should try this is very small. If you are an NCAA gymnast, or were a reasonably short time ago, by all means go for it, and do a celebratory dance after completing this wonderful feat of agility.

But for everyone else — please, God, no. Do not attempt. I repeat: Don’t try this at home.

Unless, of course, you’ve been aching for a muscle pull.

Get Recipe!

Former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said on Thursday that should couldn’t “think of anything dumber” than allowing Congress to authorize war, seemingly unaware that the U.S. Constitution specifically gives the legislative branch that exact power.Ahead of Thursday’s House vote on a war powers resolution aimed at limiting President Donald Trump’s military actions against Iran, Sanders—now a Fox News contributor—appeared on Fox & Friends to discuss the president’s handling of the Iran crisis.“Sarah, the president yesterday said the U.S. is ready to embrace peace,” Fox & Friends co-host Ainsley Earhardt said, referencing Trump’s speech on Wednesday. “He's calling for more economic sanctions on Iran’s already struggling economy. He did say that Iran is standing down, so why is the House putting up this resolution to try to limit the president's powers?”“You know, I can’t think of anything dumber than allowing Congress to take over our foreign policy,” Sanders huffed. “They can’t seem to manage to get much of anything done. I think the last thing we want to do is push powers into Congress’ hands and take them away from the president.”She went on to claim that Democrats who don’t seem to understand “that America is safer now” that former Iranian military commander Qassem Soleimani is dead are “completely naive,” adding that she doesn't want to see them “take power away from President Trump and put it into their own hands.”“I don’t think anything could be worse for America than that,” she concluded.Article 1, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, meanwhile, specifically states that Congress has the power “to declare war, grant letters of marque and reprisal, and make rules concerning captures on land and water, to raise and support armies and... to make rules for the government and regulation of the land and naval forces.”Furthermore, the War Powers Act of 1973, which Congress is looking to pass a resolution reaffirming this week, asserts that only Congress can declare war and the president needs to seek Congress’s approval in the case of sustained military action. The act was passed in the shadow of the Vietnam War in an effort to prevent other drawn-out overseas wars.Read more at The Daily Beast.Got a tip? Send it to The Daily Beast hereGet our top stories in your inbox every day. Sign up now!Daily Beast Membership: Beast Inside goes deeper on the stories that matter to you. Learn more.

There is a plaid cape-blazer involved. A...capblazer?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, shining star of the judiciary, has announced that she is “cancer free” after months of health problems.

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In a pointed callback to his early work, Leonardo DiCaprio helped rescue a man who had drunkenly toppled from his yacht near St. Bart’s. If he didn’t say “I’ll never let go, Jack,” as he pulled the man from the cerulean waters, he should go to prison. Bonus points if he dropped him back in after. 

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Harvey Weinstein showed up to court Monday morning for the first day of jury selection in his rape trial looking haggard and unsteady, hunched over a walker—something he's used nearly every time he's appeared in public over the past few months. Critics have cast doubt on the idea that he actually needs it, though he and his legal team insist he does. On the one hand, he did injure his back in a car accident in August, which led him to get surgery on his spine last month. On the other, it's hard not to entertain the thought that Weinstein's walker might be a ploy—a cheap bid to drum up sympathy for the disgraced producer ahead of his trial.

In early December, just a few days after he appeared in a Manhattan courtroom with the walker, someone spotted him shopping at a Target without it. His interview with the New York Post later that month, in which he lamented that he'd become a "forgotten man"—accompanied by photos of him in a hospital room, perched behind the walker—only added to the sense that Weinstein was scheming to make potential jurors feel sorry for him. Now everyone, from writers at the Atlantic and Page Six to an army of skeptics on Twitter, seems to be asking the same question: Is Weinstein's walker just a prop?

The answer, according to both a spine surgeon and a criminal defense attorney: Probably not.

Weinstein's car wreck in August wasn't a minor accident. He reportedly swerved to avoid hitting a deer, slammed into a tree, and flipped his SUV on its side, forcing him to kick open a door to get out. When that happened, Weinstein likely suffered something called spinal stenosis, according to Dr. Charla Fischer, an orthopedic surgeon at NYU Langone's Spine Center. There are nerve roots beneath your vertebrae that exist in what's essentially a fluid-filled tube. Fischer compared it to a garden hose: Put a kink in that hose, through an injury like Weinstein's, and you've got spinal stenosis. It can cause severe back pain, along with pain and numbness in your legs, which are linked to the nerves in your back.

"What can happen in spinal stenosis is, you feel better when you're leaning forward," Fischer told VICE. "When you lean forward slightly, you're opening up that spinal canal space, so you're kind of unkinking that kinked garden hose."

Fischer, who based her diagnosis on a description of Weinstein's surgery, said it's likely he would need a walker; she prescribes them to patients of hers with the same condition. And while it might seem off for Weinstein to still be using one nearly a month after his surgery, she said that's normal, given his history. He was first spotted using a walker back in October, and he's been using it ever since. The amount of time a patient needs a walker post-surgery depends largely on how long they've had one before the procedure, Fischer said. After months of assisted movement, Weinstein's legs are probably still weak from pain and underuse, and it'll take time before he can walk on his own again. Fischer said he'll be looking at about one-and-a-half to three months of recovery.

"It does make sense that if he was using [a walker] extensively before surgery, continuing to use it at this point would be expected," Fischer said.

For the sake of argument, let's assume Fischer is wrong, or that Weinstein is overblowing just how bad his back injury really is. Even still, according to Mark Bederow—a former Manhattan prosecutor turned criminal defense attorney—there's no way Weinstein's lawyers would try to use his health as a ruse to make him seem sympathetic.

"As a ploy, I don't think an attorney would want that," Bederow told VICE. "It's not going to gain any sympathy. You're dealing with somebody who can't really get any sympathy. It's just not possible given the barrage of bad press he's gotten over the past couple of years. Shuffling in on a walker isn't going to all of a sudden make people feel sorry for him, or think he's vulnerable."

If anything, Bederow said, Weinstein's walker is liable to hurt him. People are naturally skeptical of whether he really needs it, prone to ask exactly the kinds of questions about its validity they're asking now.

"Assuming it's not legitimate, all it does is make diligent reporters look to find him in public where he's not using a walker, when he's at a restaurant, a bar, a club or whatever. And it leads to an obvious question about whether any of this is sincere," Bederow said. "I don't think, as a lawyer, you would find any tactical edge in a case like this."

More than likely, Weinstein will need to hobble into court with a walker for the duration of his trial in New York, which is expected to last for about eight weeks as he's tried for rape, criminal sexual assault, and predatory sexual assault—a charge that could land him with a life sentence. Even if he's acquitted, he'll have to face another judge in California, where he was just charged with rape and sexual assault. He's facing up to 28 years in prison if he's convicted.

Despite the staggering number of women who have accused Weinstein of sexual misconduct, the outcome of either trial is far from predictable. But we do know this: By the time he's either sentenced in New York or goes back to court in California, his back should be much better.

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Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.

Cuisinart Cast Iron Cookware Gold Box | $55-$70 | Amazon

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That’s a big old “NOPE!”

I’ve flown dozens of times, and I’ll admit that every single time we’re landing I have an unnatural tendency to hold my breath. I finally thought I was over it, and then I saw this.

Crosswinds of up to 40 knots were reported at Bristol airport in England, which made it exceptionally difficult to land. Conditions weren’t bad enough to cancel flights all together, leading to some more unconventional approaches — like this one.

Believe it or not, this is actually a skill pilots train for — as terrifying as it may look. TUI pilot Capt Brenda Riepsaame Wassink executed a technique called “crabbing,” which involves turning the plane sideways until the last second, at which point the wheels are turned vertically to land on the tarmac.

In a statement TUI praised their pilot’s skills.

“We’re very proud of TUI Airways Captain Brenda Riepsaame Wassink,” the airline said in a statement. It said the landing in adverse weather conditions showcased “how highly skilled and well trained our TUI Airways pilots are.”

Personally, I’m probably going to keep holding my breathe on landings. And also I won’t fly to Bristol any time soon.

My 92-year-old father fell one Saturday night a few months ago. My mother could not pick him up. Her brother was not answering his cellphone, so she called 911. An ambulance crew brought him to the hospital.

The emergency-room physician ordered a CT scan. A spot on the scan worried him, so he ordered an MRI, which confirmed that a tumor the size and shape of a pear was occupying the frontal lobes of his brain. Meanwhile, a chest X-ray gave the physician some reason to suspect pneumonia—the image of the lungs looked cloudy, though it lacked the focal infiltrates that usually signify that condition—so he admitted my father to the hospital.

I took the first flight from Washington, D.C., and arrived in his room at a suburban-Chicago hospital at about 9 a.m. He was sitting in a chair, and all sorts of white wires were emerging from under his flimsy hospital gown. His index finger, because of the oxygen monitor attached to it, glowed like E.T.’s. Still, my father was acting like himself. When I entered the room, he mischievously needled me: “How are you doing, schmucko?”

The monitor above his bed showed a regular heart rate and oxygen saturation of 100 percent. The IV pole towering over him showed two empty bags of antibiotics.

I squeezed my dad’s hand, and we talked for about 20 minutes. Then I stepped out of the room to find the doctor to ask some questions. Standing at the nurses’ station, I was introduced to a neurosurgeon and a neuro-oncologist, who were ready to talk to me about my father’s condition and treatment options.

My father had a large brain tumor that could not be cured and would end his life. No neurosurgeon or oncologist could change the inevitable. Especially in light of his age, any intervention that involved drilling into his skull and biopsying or removing part of such a big tumor would only worsen his quality of life. We didn’t want to interfere with him talking with his children and grandchildren and playing with his great-grandchildren during the time he had left.

[Read: Helping make the best of the end of life]

But no one had taken the time to ask him about his wishes regarding medical treatment, even though he was competent to make decisions and was himself a physician. No one asked my mother and brother, who were with him in the emergency room and at the hospital, if he had an advance-care directive or wanted to have a do-not-resuscitate order. My father, a pediatrician, was one of those doctors who hated getting any medical care. Fifteen years before, he had walked around for three weeks insisting that the pain at the bottom of his rib cage was just acid indigestion. Eventually, he consented to go to his internist and was diagnosed with a heart attack, which required a bypass operation. Everything about the way he’d lived meant he certainly did not want any brain surgery with no chance of a cure. He wanted to die at home having shared his final days with his family.

Since the mid-1980s, I have worked to make this type of end-of-life care possible. I am a physician too. Once my father was admitted to a hospital, it took all my expertise and experience to arrange the kind of care he needed—and prevent the medical system from taking over and prescribing unnecessary interventions.

It was easy for the hospital physician to call a neurosurgeon and neuro-oncologist and for them to assess my father early on a Sunday morning before I arrived. But when I asked if we could get my father a palliative-care consult on Sunday, the answer was a definitive no. All we got was the number of the hospital’s palliative-care service; we had to call the next day, during normal business hours, to arrange a future consultation.

It was easy for the physician to prescribe my father two antibiotics for his supposed pneumonia even though he had none of the symptoms—a fever, ugly-looking phlegm, shortness of breath. Indeed, he was comfortably breathing room air with 100 percent oxygen saturation, which people with pneumonia typically can’t do. But it was impossible for the physician to order an in-home aide to help my father shower, get to and from the bathroom, and navigate the stairs to the living room and kitchen.

It was easy for my mother to call 911 and have him transported to the hospital. But if he fell again, there would be no 911-like number for my mother to call for urgent assistance short of EMTs and ambulances.

It would be easy for the emergency-room physician to admit my father again, and even put him in the intensive-care unit. But no one suggested that he and my mother get mental health care or see a grief counselor to cope with his new terminal diagnosis.

The hospital was no place for my father to spend his last days. To thwart the medical system’s momentum to lard on ever more costly, unnecessary, and unwanted interventions—and to convince the medical staff we were serious about no—I took my father’s oxygen monitor off his finger, disconnected his cardiac monitor, insisted that the nurse remove his IV, and asked the physician to discharge him as soon as possible.

[Read: How not to die]

Beyond a suggestion that we find a home-care agency to call, the hospital offered no assistance in getting him help at home. Ironically, the aide transporting him out of the hospital volunteered that she knew someone who was available to provide home care. Through my father’s former nurse and someone she knew, we ended up getting a talented and kind set of cousins—immigrants from the Philippines—who were able to provide care.

Despite the medical system, my father did avoid further trips to the hospital, an ICU admission, and more antibiotics and machines. He spent the rest of his time at home and was able to say goodbye to everyone. And being at home was cheaper. We still don’t have all the bills, but the tab just for about 12 hours in the hospital came to $19,276.83. In contrast, the more than 200 hours of home care he got over the next 10 days cost only $6,093.

Many Americans are puzzled about why end-of-life care costs are so high, and why physicians cannot seem to reduce them. My father’s story is the answer.

It has less to do with physicians’ and hospitals’ financial incentives to admit more patients and perform more medical interventions, and more to do with the effort required to order and provide human care. For providers, ordering tests and consultations and prescribing antibiotics is easier than listening to and diagnosing the particular needs of the person in front of them. It is easier for the medical system to marshal all sorts of costly interventions—MRI scans, hospital admissions, neurosurgeons, cancer chemotherapy, and the rest—but harder, if not impossible, to accept the inevitable and provide symptom management, grief counseling, and home care to patients and their family. Until the system takes account of the whole patient and provides the whole package of humane care as the default—so that it’s routine and made available 24/7 with one physician’s order, just as chemotherapy or an MRI would be—Americans will not be able to finally change end-of-life care and reduce those costs.

A terminal diagnosis is inherently traumatic for patients and their families. My father’s experience at home before his death needs to become the standard of care. And not just for patients with pushy sons who have medical training and know how to speak with physicians, disconnect cardiac monitors, and firmly refuse the interventions that our health-care system is so predisposed to offer.

Harvey Weinstein, a simultaneously accused rapist of women and self-declared savior of them, starts his criminal trial in Manhattan on Monday, having been charged with five counts of predatory sexual assault, criminal sex acts, and rape.

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If you like General Mills Reese's Puffs cereal but always thought, "Gee, I wish they were bigger," they now make a bigger version: Reese's Puffs Big Puffs.

The new cereal can be be found now at Walmart, which has a 60-day exclusive on them after which you'll be able to get them at other stores as well.

Reese's Puffs Big Puffs cereal features the same chocolate-and-peanut-butter-flavored corn puffs but look to be about three times bigger in size.

Walmart is selling them in 15.5-oz boxes for $3.64.

Photo via Walmart.

While most of the world worries about impending war and the current, most immediately nightmarish manifestation of climate change, those who live in Tempe, Arizona are concerned with an altogether different sort of threat: Somebody going around the city spraypainting “PENIS MAN” on everything.

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We have sparkle, size, shape, SKIRTITUDE... it's all here.

The post-holiday hangover isn't the only thing we're weathering this first week of January. Like clockwork, this time of year also means that the Coachella lineup has dropped. It comes as a welcome distraction for those who are worried about impending World War and also dig big-box music festivals, especially so for Californians with trust funds, A-to-F-list celebrities, and a whole slew of diverse artists with booking agents they probably won't fire this year. We're back with another totally accurate and deadly serious review of every single artist on the bill. Read up and please don't get mad at us. (Or do. We don't care.)

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(Sandy) Alex G
Beto O’Rourke pissy pants are optional.

100 gecs

21 Savage
How much money for a second row lineup slot? (A lot.)

88rising’s Double Happiness
In this economy?

Adam Port
Adam's gonna port you to sleep with this set.

Alec Benjamin
Alec Baldwin's alter ego. He plays the saxophone; he wears tracksuits and Kangol hats and Ray-Bans; he, too, is a total asshole.

Ali Gatie
More like Nah-lie Gatie.

Altın Gün
This festival needs Gün Control.

Amber Mark
Watch an act without two first names instead.

Amyl and the Sniffers
Probably the only overtly poppers-themed band booked this year.

Anitta
For the love of God, do not bring out the Black Eyed Peas during your set.

ANNA
Isn’t Luc Besson cancelled?

Anna Calvi
Are we sure this isn’t the scammer The Cut wrote about?

Ari Lennox
If you can’t make her set, watch her on IG Live. It’s better than anything on Disney+.

Aya Nakamura
The opposite of those bands who hate VWLS.

BADBADNOTGOOD
Pretty accurate name.

Banda MS
Necessary attendance for a quebradita break.

beabadoobee
peepeepoopoo

Beach Bunny
Nice people. Good for them.

Beach Goons
Where I come from, these are called seagulls.

Bedouin
I’ll bedouin something else during their set.

Big Sean
Big Sean once rapped about smoking weed with Rosa Parks while they both held guns, and managed to make it sound lame as hell. Just a reminder in case you forgot.

Big Wild
Someone stole my college nickname and called their band that. Cool.

BIGBANG
Objectively the best Big performing.

Bishop Briggs
Holding out for The Young Pope.

black midi
[more dial-up noises]

Black Pumas
I have a pair of these. They're dope.

Black Coffee
Delicious.

BROCKHAMPTON
Jumpsuits much?

Calvin Harris
Who keeps asking for this?

Caribou
We also remember the FIFA 11 soundtrack.

Cariño
Ño thank you.

Carly Rae Jepsen
Give-Carly-Rey-Skywalker-a-lightsaber challenge.

Cashmere Cat
Probably on After Christmas sale right now with Fleece Foxes.

Channel Tres
This is CBS in most parts of the country.

Charli XCX
Most likely to still use XD and :3.

Chelsea Cutler
They make one of these on Great British Bake Off?

Chicano Batman
Playing on the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage.

Chris Liebing
Another vegan DJ but thank god it isn’t Moby.

City Girls
There's an easy joke to be made here wherein we replace "City" with a poop-related adjective used to describe something bad, but we're not doing it. City Girls rule.

Code Orange
Conan O’Brien DJ set.

Conan Gray
Conan O’Brien emo set.

Crumb
I’VE BECOME SO CRUMB I CAN’T FEEL YOU THERE

Cuco
Also playing the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage. Fuck, this lineup on the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage slaps.

DaBaby
Not without a legal guardian.

Damian Lazarus
Not even Jesus could raise our hopes for this set.

Daniel Caesar
Better live than on Instagram Live.

Danny Elfman
If he doesn’t play The Simpsons theme, the people will riot.

Daphni
Velma was already booked.

Dave
All rappers should honestly just have regular ass names. Greg. Phil. Andrew. Let’s just get regular as fuck out here.

Denzel Curry
Pretty good.

Detlef
Extremely disappointed that this isn’t Schrempf.

Disclosure
Full disclosure: You could just listen to classic house records at home.

Dixon
What everyone called Richard Nixon behind his back.

DJ Koze
If he doesn't play his entire set in a Snuggie I'm walking.

DJ Lord
Me sighah.

Doja Cat
🐄🐄🐄

Dom Dolla
Back at it again with the white dance music.

Duck Sauce
Happy 2010!

Duke Dumont
Duke DoNot.

Ed Maverick
It's just Ed Sheeran watching Top Gun.

ela minus
If you wrote this on a math test you’d get like half a point.

Ellen Allien
This is what happens when you storm Area 51.

Emo Nite
Pretty terrible party tbh.

Emotional Oranges
Emotional Oranges: The Best of Blood Orange

Epik High
What in the 2009 kind of name is this?

Erick Morillo
Erick? You only get one, man: C or K. You have to choose.

Ezra Collective
This is just Animal Collective covering Better Than Ezra's seminal 1996 album Friction Baby in its entirety.

Fatboy Slim
You think it's the funk soul brother guy but it's just my Italian neighbor.

FKA twigs
Actually, it’s pronounced fucka twigs.

Floating Points
Hopefully not a hoax like the Shanghai New Year's Eve drone show.

Flume
Everyone watch your asses. No ass is safe.

Fontaines D.C.
We’ll be seeing “Boys in the Better Band” instead.

Frank Ocean
$10 says he doesn’t show up lol

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib
Freddie Gibbs once threatened to blow up someone’s mother’s home on Twitter so gonna refrain from joking here.

Friendly Fires
There are no friendly fires in climate change.

GG Magree
I think we can all magree this set will be trash.

girl in red
lowercase doesn’t automatically make you cooler

Giselle Woo & the Night Owls
More like Giselle BOO amirite

GRiZ
Grizzly Bear's experimental side project, in which Daniel Rossen plays the banjo and Chris Taylor just plays the flute. Absolutely unlistenable.

Guy Laliberté
Why is the billionaire co-founder of Cirque du Soleil here? Who OK’d this?

Hatsune Miku
✧・ﾟ:* ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡ *:・ﾟ✧

Hayden James
If you go to this show you're gonna be hayden what you hear. I am currently hayden myself for making this joke.

Hot Chip
Doritos® Sweet Chili Heat

IDLES
Never fight a man with a 5 p.m. slot at the Gobi tent.

Inner Wave
A post new-wave, pre no-wave, proto post-wave, anti-chillwave trashcore nü-metal band. Definitely worth checking out.

J.I.D
More like J.I.Z.

Jai Wolf
Bai Wolf.

Jayda G
You shouldn’t Payda C this.

Jessie Reyez
Guess who isn’t going to Reyez the roof…

Joji
High in antioxidants!

Kim Petras
More like Kim PetrASS amirite

King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard
Their new album, King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard 2: Revenge of Bing Blizzard and the Liver Fizzer is actually pretty good.

Koffee
Also delicious.

Kruder & Dorfmeister
More like Kruder and Dorkmeister.

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu
She’ll fit right in.

Kyle Watson
“I’m a DJ and my stage name is Kyle Watson” - Kyle Watson.

Kynda Black
Kynda not at all excited for this set.

L'Impératrice
N’importe quoi.

Lana Del Rey
Just a reminder that she’s dating a cop.

Lane 8
Lane ain't gonna make it to this one.

Lauren Daigle
Somehow Bishop Briggs isn’t the artist on this lineup who makes Christian Pop.

Ленинград (Leningrad)
нет, спасибо

Lewis Capaldi
Dude was great on Doctor Who.

Lil Nas X
This guy has like six songs. Can’t wait for 45 minutes of Old Town Road on loop.

Lil Uzi Vert
This set is gonna be a real snoozy vert we can tell you that much.

Lost Kings
They hand out maps as soon you get to the festival grounds... You’ll be fine, king.

Louis the Child
This isn’t Lewis Capaldi?

Luttrell
I would Luttrelly rather eat a bug than watch this set.

Madeon
Madeon’t waste your time and energy.

Malaa
Our review of this band, en español: Mal. Aaaa!!!!!

Mannequin Pussy
From the studio that brought you Superbad and Good Boys comes...

Mariah the Scientist
All she wants for Christmas is to achieve human cloning.

Marina
Marina’s gems were cut from her stage name.

Masego
I'masego watch something else that's actually worth your time.

Matoma
The nicest thing we can say about this is that it’s B-Team Walk The Moon.

Megan Thee Stallion
After tonight, Coachella gotta rename Coachella to Kneechella!

Melé
...kalikimaka is the THING to saaay on a briiight Hawaiian Christmas day...

MIKA
This is Mika Brezinksi's stage name. Her duet with Joe Scarborough is going to be fire.

Monolink
Like GoldLink, only he's broke. Can only afford 1/24th of a chain.

Mura Masa
By far the best artist from Guernsey on the lineup this year.

NIKI
NIKI, go lose that number.

Nilüfer Yanya
Nilüfer Yanya? I barely know her!

Noname
This is actually just a meet-up for her book club.

Olivia O’Brien
Oh brother.

Omar Apollo
This guy should be sent to go live on the moon.

ONYVAA
WHEN YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH A GOOD BAND NAME I GUESS YOU JUST MASH A BUNCH OF CAPITAL LETTERS TOGETHER INCOHERENTLY LIKE SSBJBNDFK.

Orville Peck
Good popcorn.

Pabllo Vittar
Drag em!

Paco Osuna
Fun fact: This is what they call Pac Sun in Spain.

Peggy Gou
Time to Gou to bed.

Pink Sweat$
Would much rather just watch P!nk silently run on a treadmill for 20 minutes until she started sweating than suffer through this set.

Princess Nokia
Is there a Prince Nokia?

PUP
If this big box festival doesn’t kill them, their punk fans will.

Rage Against the Machine
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me (see Rage Against The Machine play Coachella).

Raveena
Ranked a top nine eczema cream on Amazon.

Rex Orange County
Finally the TikTok generation has their own Randy Newman.

Rich Brian
If I was a rich Brian, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na…

Roddy Ricch
Woddy Whicch?

Run the Jewels
More like Run the Drools amirite

Sahar Z
More like Sahar Zzzzz amirite ha ha ha ha man I love this format

Sama’
Free Palestine.

Sampa the Great
Says who?

Sara Landry
Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

Sasha Sloan
At least she looks cool.

Satori
My guy definitely has a mistranslated Japanese tattoo.

SebastiAn
Not greAt.

Seun Kuti & Egypt 80
Whole lot of names that start with an “S” booked this year.

Skegss
You can smell the farts from their press photo alone.

SLANDER
They named their band in anticipation of this list. We respect the foresight.

Sleaford Mods
A bit shit, innit?

slowthai
*eats a bean sandwich* oh hell yeah.

Snail Mail
You telling me a snail delivered this mail?

Steve Lacy
Still, somehow, going through the “s” names.

Summer Walker
We refuse to slander our queen, sorry.

Swae Lee
If we sit through this entire set and the pet monkey doesn’t make one appearance, we riot.

Tchami
Tnope

Testpilot
If you rearrange the letters in this band name like an anagram, you get Toilet Tsp., which is what they sound like. A teaspoon of toilet.

The Chats
If you’re not already Smoko Hive, get on that.

The Comet Is Coming
And I hope it lands directly in the middle of these guys' time slot.

The HU
Won’t get fooled again.

The Martinez Brothers
Wild that they’re sitting in the background of that NBA card.

The Murder Capital
It’s actually quite nice this time of year.

The Regrettes
They sure are.

Thom Yorke | Tomorrow's Modern Boxes
This is just two hours of Thom Yorke unboxing Apple products and castigating them.

Tiga
Five bucks says about 40 people show up to this set expecting to see Tyga and wind up super disappointed.

TNGHT
Vowels are not your enemy.

TOKiMONSTA
Love Digimon.

Travis Scott
The suburbs been waiting on this one.

Viagra Boys
So that’s U2’s name now.

VNSSA
CRLTN?

Weyes Blood
People think it's pronounced "ways blood" but it's actually "wise blood," proving Weyes Blood is Nine Trey.

Whipped Cream
What is this? A Cosmo sex tip list from the 70s?

Yaeji
This is that K-pop band that exclusively covers YG songs right

YBN Cordae
An 8-year-old SoundCloud rapper whose latest single "FUCK YOU MOM GIMME A FRUIT ROLL UP" just put him in the running for XXL's Freshman Class.

YUNGBLUD
Exactly what Jeff Bezos orders from inside his hyperbaric chamber.

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Helen Rosner writes about some of her favorite meals of the decade, including sandwiches from Domilise’s, Mission Cantina, and Sqirl; an opulent caviar dish; the perfect hamburger; and a haunting hunk of pomegranate.

Now that it’s 2020, I keep thinking about how it felt to be a woman writing about gender in video games back in 2010.

Read more...

Australia, as we mentioned New Year's Eve, is on fire. Wildfires have burned roughly 12 million acres in the country since September and killed at least 15 people; by comparison, the 2018 wildfires in California, which killed about 100, burned 1.9 million acres. Here's a map of current fires (within 72 hours) on the continent, via researchers at Western Australian universities:

New South Wales has declared a week-long state of emergency, giving authorities greater powers to coordinate disaster and evacuation response, like closing roads and utilities.

Some of the numbers from Australia's bush fires are simply terrifying:

The blazes made breathing the air in Sydney as bad as smoking 37 cigarettes and have killed 480 million animals, environmental officials told the Times in the United Kingdom, including nearly one-third of the koalas in one of Australia's most populated koala habitats in an area 240 miles north of Sydney.

Half a billion animals. Sure, a lot of Australian wildlife wants to kill you, but that's still horrible. On Monday, a volunteer firefighter in New South Wales died when a 10-ton fire truck was knocked on its side by a fire tornado, a term we've learned here in the USA too.

---

Particulates from the Australian fires have drifted 1200 miles and turned glaciers in New Zealand brown. The ash, since it's darker than the ice, may even accelerate the melting of those glaciers. Not that the planet's warming or anything.

Thousands of people in the hardest-hit states, New South Wales and Victoria, have evacuated; some had to leave burning towns to shelter on beaches.

This amateur photo may very well become one of the iconic images of the new hellworld we're living in, thanks to our addiction to cheap fossil fuels:

The Australian government has dispatched military helicopters to help drop water on the fires, as well as Royal Australian Navy ships to deliver aid and help with evacuations.

An Australian naval ship with a 1,000-person capacity docked off the coast of Malacoota is set to evacuate some of the 4,000 people sheltering on the beach from fires, authorities said. The HMAS Choules, which specializes in responding to humanitarian crises, is set to conduct several sea evacuations.

Authorities told people in areas the size of smaller US states to get the hell out:

And yes, this is definitely related to climate change.

Australia is normally hot and dry in summer, but climate change, which brings more frequent and longer periods of extreme heat, worsens these conditions and makes vegetation drier and more likely to burn. The country recently concluded its driest spring on record. That was followed in mid-December by the hottest day on record, with average highs across the country of 41.9 degrees Celsius (107.4 degrees Fahrenheit).

For you Tucson residents (Hi! I miss Mi Nidito restaurant!) who might shrug and say 107 is no big, note that's average highs, not a high temperature in one place. Imagine a whole continent of Phoenix in July, Jesus.

Too bad for Australia, the country went and elected Scott Morrison, whose very conservative "Liberal Party" is in the pocket of Australia's powerful coal industry. Morrison has repeatedly said now is not the time to talk about climate, because jobs. Apparently entire towns going up in flames has no economic impact. In his New Year's Eve message, Morrison said the real solution is about being brave and tough:

We have stood up to these terrible disasters before, and we have come through the other side [...] We will rebuild and we will stay strong.

Morrison was widely mocked by Australians when, even with Australia already fighting huge wildfires, he left the country to spend Christmas in Hawaii. He returned early from vacation when two volunteer firefighters were killed. Australia's bushfires are mostly being fought by a volunteer force, and even in the current crisis, Morrison has managed to be an asshole:

Australia's federal government announced last week that volunteers in New South Wales — as well as other states, if they requested it — would receive compensation of up to about $4,000. That change in policy was initially opposed by Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

Back in November, before the worst of the fires, Morrison even told a coal mining industry group he thought Australia needs to crack down on climate protests, because rallies and boycotts could be very bad for business:

"The right to protest does not mean there is an unlimited license to disrupt people's lives," Mr. Morrison said, adding, "I am very concerned about this new form of progressivism."

Yesterday, when Morrison went to meet with fire survivors in Cobargo, New South Wales, he found some facts: They fucking hate him there.

'You're not welcome': Australian PM Scott Morrison heckled by bushfire victims www.youtube.com

Other Aussie conservatives have been similarly charming. Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack, of the rightwing National Party, said in a November radio interview that the fire season had come "a tad early," but downplayed any concerns about climate because Australia has had fires "since time began." What the country definitely doesn't need, said McCormack, are "the ravings of some pure, enlightened and woke capital city greenies." He really doesn't like those "inner-city raving lunatics," who are out of touch with Real Americans Australians.

Also in November, former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, who completely rejects anyone talking about "spurious links" between the fires and climate, suggested he was far too polite to gloat over the deaths of those who'd died in fires in New South Wales:

I acknowledge that the two people who died were most likely people who voted for the Green party so I am not going to start attacking them, that's the last thing I want to do.

He was very upset that anyone thought he'd meant they had it coming, because he clearly said he wouldn't do that. As with American climate deniers, like the one in the White House, a lot of Aussie conservatives insist environmentalists are really to blame for wildfires, because they won't allow the logging and dams and other environment-destroying stuff that creates jobs and removes pesky trees.

Australia has asked the US and Canada to send firefighting planes and other equipment; it's not known whether Donald Trump will authorize a delivery of rakes.

[Axios / NYT / Vox / NYT / Photo: Alastair Prior on Twitter]

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Sarah Sanders, the former press secretary to Donald Trump, has apologised after mocking Joe Biden’​s reference to stuttering during Thursday night’s Democratic presidential debate.Mr Biden, who has carried a speech impediment throughout his life, was discussing those individuals who have reached out and asked him for help over the course of his political career.

I don’t wanna be like your dad, texting you in October to complain that he’d just seen Christmas stuff on sale at Target (“October!!”), but it feels like Christmas is way more intensely Christmas-y this year.

Take Christmas movies for example. There are almost 100 of them being released this Christmas. In Netflix’s case, they have been doubling the amount of holiday content they put out with each year that passes. The number of Hallmark Christmas movies is up 20 percent since 2017.

Every formerly famous person on earth has been tracked down and forced to star in something Christmassy this holiday season. There’s a film where Rachel Leigh Cook finds love at Christmastime with an inn-owner. And one where Vanessa Hudgens finds love at Christmastime with a time traveling knight. And separate ones where Tia and Tamera find love at Christmastime with a contractor and a writer respectively. Outside of movies, everything has become Christmas. From mulled spice-flavored bleach to Christmas pop-ups to algorithm-generated shirts that say things like, "Be nice to the payroll specialist, Santa is watching."

Not that I’m complaining. I love Christmas! I put up the first of my two Christmas trees on November 14, and it’s been weeks since I’ve watched anything that didn’t involve a Z-lister falling in love while surrounded by fake snow. I long for the inevitable day when Christmas has infected the entire year, and we’re in some sort of reverse-Christmas situation where our big annual celebration is in June and involves taking down our tinsel and trees for a couple of weeks.

Not in some terrifying, ISIS-ish enforced religion kind of way. I don’t think we should like, kill anyone who doesn’t observe Christmas. But I would very much like for my own life to be as festive as possible! Make it so every song I hear has jingling bells and a children’s choir. Let me eat a diet that consists of nothing but mashed potatoes and festive lattes. And when that diet causes me to die of scurvy at the age of 40, fill my veins with gingerbread-flavored embalming fluid and lower me into the ground in a candy cane-colored coffin. Play "All I Want For Christmas Is You (Extra Festive Version)" at my wake, and observe the anniversary of my death every July by placing a wreath of red poinsettias on my headstone.

Anyway. Here are some Christmas-y things I’ve seen recently:

The Franklin Police Department in Massachussetts discovered an unlikely culprit was responsible for taking toys from their charity drive collection bin. Watch "Full Circle" weeknights at 5 p.m. ET.