Janelle Monáe heralded the arrival of her third studio album, Dirty Computer, with a teaser for an accompanying “emotion picture” featuring Afrofuturist themes and her pal Tessa Thompson. The clip has whet the appetite for the 44-minute sci-fi short, just as her gorgeous videos for the singles “Make Me Feel” and…
He's had 3 faces? Now he's just being greedy. (not really this is amazing)
A 43-year-old man in France is recovering after becoming the first person in history to receive a second face transplant. Jerome Hamon got his first face transplant in 2010 but the tissue began to die and he had to have it removed in November. In January, he received a new face from another donor.
That dog’s name is Boujee, and he’s a small, gray French bulldog that’s the most adorable thing ever. We’re here to gush over him.
Harry Lyles Jr.: So I have to give you credit, you put me on to the greatness that is Boujee. And I gotta say, this has to be the best dog in sports. He has his own Instagram, which is normal nowadays for pets, but he’s named after Migos’ “Bad and Boujee” which just so happens to be his favorite song (per his bio). And he’s adorable as shit.
Jessica Smetana: I first came across Boujee on JuJu’s Instagram and I knew I immediately had to show you. Not just because he’s cute as fuck but also because HIS NAME IS BOUJEE. I can’t think of a better name for a dog TBH. The only bummer is now you can’t use it for your own future pup.
HLJ: Boujee has definitely inspired me to get my own. I mean look at this guy:
I couldn’t think of a better companion to have around. I think that’s part of what makes Boujee even more adorable, is that he’s always with JuJu. and it doesn’t matter what the case is, he’s there. You can tell JuJu really loves this dog by 1) how much time he puts into his Instagram and 2) the places he decides to take him. I would be geeked to walk up into an In-N-Out with Boujee.
HLJ: I couldn’t agree more. Boujee is out here with JuJu at USC making sure he’s getting ready for the season. And he’s not even on a leash, because clearly he doesn’t need one. That’s loyal as fuck.
If there were a picture next to the definition of love in the dictionary, I’d stick that very picture in there. No questions asked.
JS: Hundred percent. When I log on Insta these days I completely bypass my friends and loved ones and go straight to Boujee’s story to see which quirky hijinks he’s up to that day. This whole spring Boujee was in SoCal enjoying the sun while I was freezing in New York. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t live vicariously through this pooch.
HLJ: The way he runs in that video — I can’t. Oh, and I gotta mention how this dog is already getting endorsements on the ’gram, and I must say, Gushers is a good one to have.
Between that and In-N-Out, Boujee has good taste. It may not be the most dog-friendly diet, but Boujee should get what he wants at all times. We’re all here for a good time, not a long time.
JS: I’m not even salty that Boujee has more Insta followers than me (about 87,000 more followers LOL). He deserves it. I know people hate on pet social media accounts but after seeing @boujee it’s hard not to love 2018 for blessing us with this beautiful account.
HLJ: Boujee deserves all the followers. This is some very wishful thinking, but JuJu’s gotta find a way to either celebrate with Boujee on the field after a touchdown this upcoming season, or do something that Boujee does, like laying down with his legs out.
At the very least, let him hang out on the sideline. Even if it’s just for the home games. adding Boujee to the staff would give the Steelers at least two more wins a season. I’ll get our guy Bill Connelly to get the advanced stats to prove it.
JS: Boujee was born Oct. 17 and guess who went on a seven-game win streak after that? That would be the Steelers.
HLJ: It’s settled then. As long as Boujee is around, perhaps the Steelers should be Super Bowl favorites going into next season. I wouldn’t bet against him.
JS: I’m nominating Boujee as the Steelers’ new mascot. Sorry, Steely McBeam. Boujee Smith-Schuster has arrived.
Motivated by the birth of Sen. Tammy Duckworth’s daughter last week, on Wednesday night the Senate passed by unanimous consent a rule change allowing lawmakers to bring infants onto the Senate floor. It is the first Senate rule change since the 1970s.
The woman who was killed when she was partially blown out of a Southwest Airlines plane was wearing a seatbelt at the time, but died from blunt impact trauma, according to authorities. Spokesman James Garrow of the Philadelphia Department of Public Health said Wednesday evening that banking executive Jennifer Riordan's death was ruled accidental. Riordan was killed and seven others were injured after the twin-engine 737 blew an engine at 30,000 feet Tuesday throwing shrapnel into a window of the plane. National Transportation Safety Board chairman Robert Sumwalt said Ms Riordan, who was sitting next to a window, was wearing a seatbelt before she was partially sucked out of the plane. The Federal Aviation Administration announced Wednesday that it would order inspections on engine fan blades like the one that snapped off and triggered the accident. Federal investigators are still trying to figure out how the window came out of the plane. Plane drama The two pilots who made the emergency landing in Philadelphia after the engine blew apart said late on Wednesday that their "hearts are heavy." Captain Tammie Jo Shults and First Officer Darren Ellisor issued a statement through the airline. They said they appreciate the outpouring of support they've received from the public and their co-workers as they "reflect on one family's profound loss." Ms Shults and Mr Ellisor said they were focused on working with investigators and would not be speaking to the media. Please see below a statement from the Captain and First Officer of Flight 1380. pic.twitter.com/RjoCpucGGS— Southwest Airlines (@SouthwestAir) April 19, 2018 'Fan blade 'suffered metal fatigue' Earlier on Wednesday, Mr Sumwalt told a news conference that the incident began when one of the engine's 24 fan blades snapped off from its hub. He said investigators found that the blade had suffered metal fatigue at the point of the break. Mr Sumwalt said he could not yet say if the incident, the first deadly airline accident in the United States since 2009, pointed to a fleet-wide issue in the Boeing 737-700. "We want to very carefully understand what was the result of this problem, and as I mentioned a few minutes ago, I’m very concerned about this particular event," Sumwalt said at the news conference at the Philadelphia airport. "To be able to extrapolate that to the entire fleet, I’m not willing to do that right now.” How the Southwest Airlines tragedy happened Graphic: Cabin pressure Southwest crews were inspecting similar engines the airline had in service, focusing on the 400 to 600 oldest of the CFM56 engines, made by a partnership of France's Safran and General Electric, according to a person with knowledge of the situation. It was the second time that kind of engine had failed on a Southwest jet in the past two years, prompting airlines around the world to step up inspections. A National Transportation Safety Board inspection crew was also combing over the Boeing 737-700 for signs of what caused the engine to explode. Sumwalt said the fan blade, after suffering metal fatigue where it attached to the engine hub, suffered a second fracture about halfway along its length. A National Transportation Safety Board investigator examines damage to the engine of the Southwest Airlines plane Credit: NTSB via AP Pieces of the plane were found in rural Pennsylvania by investigators who tracked them on radar. The metal fatigue would not have been observable by looking at the engine from the outside, Sumwalt said. The jet was traveling at 190 miles per hour (305 kph) when it made an emergency landing at Philadelphia International Airport, according to Mr Sumwalt, much faster than the typical 155-mile-per-hour touchdown. Passengers described scenes of panic as a piece of shrapnel from the engine shattered a plane window, almost sucking Riordan out. A part of the engine cowling from the Southwest Airlines plane Credit: REUTERS "The window had broken and the negative pressure had pulled her outside the plane partially," Peggy Phillips, a registered nurse who was on the plane, told WFAA-TV in Dallas. "Two wonderful men ... they managed to get her back inside the plane, and we laid her down and we started CPR." Riordan was a Wells Fargo banking executive and well-known community volunteer from Albuquerque, New Mexico, the company said. 'My last few moments' Videos posted on social media showed passengers grabbing for oxygen masks and screaming as the plane, piloted by Ms Shults, a former US Navy fighter pilot, prepared for the descent into Philadelphia. "All I could think of in that moment was, I need to communicate with my loved ones," passenger Marty Martinez told ABC's "Good Morning America" on Wednesday. During the incident, he logged on to the in-flight Wi-Fi to send messages to his family. "I thought, these are my last few moments on Earth and I want people to know what happened," said Mr Martinez, who live-streamed on Facebook images of passengers in oxygen masks as the plane made a bumpy descent into Philadelphia. However, Mr Martinez was attacked by some social media users for his choice to livestream the incident, which they saw as violating the privacy of other passengers on the flight. "You represent the worst of social media," Tom Burke said on Facebook. The event illustrates thorny issues facing platforms such as Google's YouTube, Twitter's Periscope and Facebook, already under pressure over privacy and news curating, over hosting live-streaming material. Facebook did not respond to a request for comment on Martinez's posts.
Wow, maybe they'll finally impeach President Obama
A "good friend" of former FBI Director James Comey's said he is "very much" looking forward to what the upcoming Justice Department inspector general report on the Clinton email investigation has to say about former Attorney General Loretta Lynch — the former Obama administration official now engaged in a war of words with Comey.
Memes have finally caught up to the age-old adage, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it" with a little help from human enigma Eric Andre.
You may have seen the episode of The Eric Andre Show in which a stiff set about climate change segues into Andre pulling out a gat and emptying two clips into co-host Hannibal Buress. Andre looks at the camera and, seemly perplexed, wonders aloud, "Who killed Hannibal?"
Andre defies all logic as he not only shirks responsibility for the crime, but actively hunts the criminal. Now that moment is a meme to point out all the toxic people and institutions who fuck shit up and try to pass the blame on to someone else. In an early example posted to r/memeeconomy last night, Andre is labeled "Baby Boomers" as he shoots "America" in the form of Buress. His perplexed question? "Why would millennials do this?"
It's the perfect meme to express how young people feel about the laundry list of crimes we've been accused of, from killing industries to taking handouts from our parents, while the previous generation scorched the earth and had much better support systems. With quality like this, it's hard not to agree with the r/memeeconomy user who commented, "Investing in Eric Andre is always a safe, smart, and underrated meme stock. "
The "Who Killed Hannibal" meme isn't only for scathing cultural commentary. It lends itself very well to conspiracy theories. Since the internet is a very dark place, it should surprise no one that this meme's first use was the equivalent of "Bush did 9/11," coincidentally a common comment on VICE's Facebook posts. Another early one is about the JFK assassination.
In short, "Who Killed Hannibal" is the meme of the oppressed, the wrongly accused, and anyone skeptical of the official narrative. It can get dark, but it lends itself naturally to the underdog of any community, from Star Wars fans to anime nerds. It's time to Bird Up your portfolio and invest in Eric Andre memes. Some of our favorite investments below.
Template:
Enjoy the meme while you can before the Russian bots get their hands on it.
A “training error” is to blame for an “inappropriate message” that was posted on a sign along Interest Highway 5 in Washington State on Tuesday, transportation officials said.
A slithering sentinel male python equipped with a surgically implanted tracking device led Florida wildlife biologists to what they are calling a “breeding aggregation” -- or snake sex party.
Wes Anderson recently released a stop-motion masterpiece called, Isle of Dogs. Although, the movie consists mostly of canines, fanboys appear to be freaking out over a 45-second sushi-making scene. Watch the masterful work of stop-motion, as our sushi chef seamlessly creates dishes — paying homage to a few scenes that came before it, so mild […]
On a day where ratings revealed that Stephen Colbert’s overtly political—if smartly silly—style has continued to vault him over his late-night competitors, the Late Show host unpacked a powerhouse of a show. The big story, taking up three entire segments, was Colbert’s much-hyped interview with former FBI Director…
You probably recognize Sophie Turner from Game Of Thrones and the X-Men franchise, but we unsophisticated pop-culture dweebs at The Takeout are too busy stuffing our faceholes to spend much time keeping up with Hollywood trendsetters. Instead, we admire Turner not for her acting chops, but for her side obsession:…
I am so bad at getting rid of some stuff and yet some other stuff, I have no problems with just chucking it.
Decluttering old or useless junk might make you feel jubilant and free, but not everyone shares that mindset. Whether it’s a ratty old recliner your spouse won’t give up, an overabundance of cookware in the kitchen, or a collection of weird posters your roommate hung in your living room, there are ways to compromise…
This is perfect except for the R Kelly at the end.
UPROXX/GETTY
Running isn’t just about putting one foot in front of the other. There are major physical and mental aspects involved. The sport is a feat of human will — requiring serious perseverance, positivity, and heart. But also… all of those qualities are meaningless garbage without a good musical playlist.
Seriously, 90 percent of my running motivation is music-based. If my phone dies while I’m in the middle of a run I just flop to the ground and curl up in a ball until the appropriate amount of hours go by for someone to file a missing person’s report. That’s how important good songs are to my running routine.
Hyperbole aside, without epic songs and good beats to push me to go further, run longer, and fight every urge to give up, I’m lost. Which is why crafting the perfect running playlist is both serious business and tough work. You need a variety of powerful songs that will motivate you through each aspect of your run. Songs that distract you when the going gets tough, inspire you when you need that extra push, and celebrate with you when you get to the top of the hill and are flying downwards with the wind at your back.
In hopes of helping you exceed your expectations, we compiled the best running playlist to throw on your Spotify. These songs will get you (and keep you!) moving through every stage of your run.
“Time to warm up! Let’s ease into this thing,” you think. But also: “Oh wow, I am hyped. I am going to kill this run.”
1. “Proud Mary,” Ike and Tina Turner
The intro says it all.
Y’ know, every now and then
I think you might like to hear something from us
Nice and easy
But there’s just one thing
You see we never ever do nothing
Nice and easy
We always do it nice and rough
So we’re gonna take the beginning of this song and do it easy,
and then we’re gonna do the finish rough.
And that’s not just the preamble to an E.L. James novel. It’s also the intro to Ike and Tina Turner’s version of “Proud Mary”. And it’s a great metaphor for your run. Ease into it, but don’t keep it easy for yourself the whole time. Push yourself, get a little crazy, allow yourself the frenetic, brilliant, vibrant energy of “Proud Mary” to get into your bones, and move!
“Proud Mary” is the perfect warm up. It starts off smooth, then brings in an even beat to get you into a jog. By the time the beat picks up, pushing at a wild pace, you’re chomping at the bit to go a bit faster too. You’re ready.
“Yeah, now, I’m moving,” you say. “Let’s pick up speed.”
2. “Let’s Get It Started,” The Black Eyed Peas
“And the base keeps runnin’, runnin’.”
It’s great when a song tells you literally to keep running. But “Let’s Get It Started” is also one of those feel-good songs you can just never get sick of hearing (okay you can, but not in this setting). For a running playlist that you can listen to over and over again, every morning without fail, there’s no better pick.
“This is bringing up some emotions,” you think at this point. “I love running! I wonder what’s going to happen when I do this every day. I bet I’ll look so good that I’ll get some sort of acting career. Like I’ll just get discovered because of my washboard abs.”
3. “Anything Could Happen,” Ellie Goulding
This is the point in the run where you start to feel like you’re pretty good at running, and your mind drifts just a little to all of the many, many benefits you will get from being such a good runner. Weight loss! More endorphins! Running friends! And you should absolutely allow the daydream. It will pump you up.
“Anything Could Happen” is the kind of bouncy, uplifting tune that will make you feel like, “New year, New you!” It makes you want to get a new haircut and sell all of your possessions and live in a van on the beach by a waterfall. And the first step to that new life is getting into Instagram shape by running, you know?
This feels good. Really good, right? Why have I not been doing this every day? It’s like I’m back and I never left. Another sprint, another step. This. Is. Glorious. I was born for this.
4. “Glorious,” Macklemore ft. Skylar Grey
You’re going fast now, and it feels amazing. You need a song that makes it clear you really are turning over a new leaf. You made it through the darkest of the night. This is an epic new you. And this song builds in a way that truly feels epic. All your dreams are going to come true. And you’re finally on your way.
As the song says, you feel glorious, glorious.
“Ok. This is getting kind of hard,” you think. “I am really sweating up a storm. Must be the weather. Pretty hot out today. Oooo. Okay. A little hard to breathe, getting just a little bit hard to breathe.”
5. “All These Things That I’ve Done,” The Killers
This is the song that tells you to “hold on” — and at this point, you probably need that advice. You know intellectually that if you push through this challenging bit that you’ll get to the other side. You know that the running will become less hard if you keep going. But like 10-15 minutes in, you often hit a wall.
“All These Things That I’ve Done” is the perfect motivator. Its repetitive build up (that rises to a joyful crescendo near the end) makes you feel like you are one powerful person. And not to be messed with. You just have to keep fighting through.
“Getting a wave of energy back,” you think. “Okay. I’ve totally pushed through the part where I would’ve started walking and now I’m going to be fine. Nice and easy here. Let’s do this.”
6. “Baba O’Riley,” The Who
Look, you’re now rocking this run, and so it’s now time for a classic rock song. There’s a reason that “Baba O’Riley” is on basically every “best running song ever” list. The intro is epic and it makes you anticipate the beat drop (which flows into an upbeat tune that will keep you on a steady pace). You’re still not at the midpoint of this running journey yet, and so, while you have to keep going, you don’t want to burn all your energy and have none left for the second half!
The Who will keep you grooving along without expending everything you have.
“My mind is drifting but in a good way! It’s like I’m meditating! Did I leave the oven on? Nope. Doesn’t even matter. I’m in the ZONE.”
7. “Lose Yourself,” Eminem
This song is filled with feeling and reminders to give life your all. It’s basically the early Hamilton, reminding us not to blow our shot. Its aggressiveness will push you in your run while its heart will remind you that anything is possible if you believe in yourself. Eminem is a complicated dude.
8. “You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb,” Spoon.
It’s time to let your mind drift. Find the answer to the plot issue you’re having with your novel. Daydream about pizza. Plan out a vacation. “You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb” keeps a nice steady and pretty mindless beat that is going to keep you from slowing down while your mind wanders to other places.
9. “Can’t Hold Us,” Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
You’ve been keeping it at about a five, but now it’s time to get your heart rate up. “Can’t Hold Us” brings everything up a notch. The beat is strong, and you’ll feel your body swaying and dancing as your feet begin moving faster and faster. The clapping and music dropouts will have you yell-singing as you cruise down the sidewalk (which won’t scare people around you. Not at all).
It’s fine because we’re not held in by the conventional rules of polite society. We’re runners now. We’ll fight til it’s over. The ceiling can’t hold us. Nothing can hold us.
“I am feeling good,” you begin to think. “Is that crazy? Am I practically an elite runner now? Should I try out for the Olympic team? I could, I’d bet. With like a few more practice sessions, I could be there.”
10. “You Make My Dreams,” Hall and Oates
You can’t full out sprint forever, and as you slowly fall back into your feel-good pace, you start noticing how beautiful the world around you is. The sun is shining, a cool breeze is keeping your body from overheating, and you feel like you’re in some sort of adorable movie montage with ice cream and playing with puppies and bicycle rides in the country. It’s not just the song that’s peppy, you’re peppy!
“I love running! I could do this forever,” you decide. “Ultramarathoners do 100 miles? I could do 500! How many have I done so far, I should check the app. 2.1 miles…. huh. Okay. WELL, THAT’S STILL PRETTY GOOD.”
11. “I’m gonna be (500 miles)” The Proclaimers
You’ve fallen in love with running. This is fun! Why did no one ever tell you this would be so fun! You could run forever. You want to yell it from the rooftops!
And isn’t love the best motivator for doing anything? You WOULD run 500 miles for love.
As a soul cycle instructor in the Hamptons once yelled at me in a room full of women, “Pedal like it’s the weekend and your husbands are on the way to see you.” And man, if that isn’t the most sexist, greatest motivation ever, I don’t know what is. Run in order to stay thin so that your partner won’t leave you when he/she sees you after a week apart. It’s just feminism.
12. “I Believe In a Thing Called Love,” The Darkness
Time to get back to a sprint! Change up any monotony! And this song immediately picks up the speed. It’s motivating, it’s fun, it’s insane. Everything you need to get your energy up when the mid-run slump starts to kick in.
13. “Crazy in Love,” Beyonce and Jay-Z
Mid-run you need something loud, bold, and pop-y. You need a song that is very happy to keep you going. Because let’s face it, things are starting to turn a little. The cool breeze is feeling a tad, warm, the sun, which was lovely a minute ago, is in your eyes, and if a few songs ago you were imagining playing with a basket full of puppies? Well, now, the puppies are still there, but they’ve peed everywhere. And you have to clean it all off the rug.
“I’m getting tired,” you think desperately. “I’m getting really tired. Maybe I should just walk. No. Push through it. Come on!”
14. “Under Pressure,” David Bowie & Queen
This is a time when you need some real motivation. You need someone who knows how it feels, man. And Bowie is there to tell you, “I get it.” The world is terrifying, and running is hard! Slow down for a second, take it to a three, and feel those feelings. Catch your breath, sip your water. Okay. Better? Now let’s snap as you snap out of it. I’m going to get real quiet, okay, okay? You’ve got this. LET’S GO. LA LA LA. Give yourself one MORE CHANCE.
And, against all odds, when you hear “Under Pressure” you start running harder. You keep going no matter how tired you are.
“I did it!” you cheer. “Okay, yeah. That was tough, but it’ll get easier. Sure, I’m getting tired. Sure, I’m getting sore. But I just have to keep a steady and even pace and…. Oh. God. No. No. It’s a hill. It’s a G*ddamn Hill.”
15. “S.O.B,” Nathanial Rateliff & the Night Sweats
Look, at some point,you’re going to swear and say a bunch of expletives in your own head. This is hard. And it’s okay to get angry.
“S.O.B” will not only satisfy your need to scream, “Son of a bitch, give me a drink!” but its low rhythmic start that builds into joyful outbursts, (and folksy, acapella riffs filled with clapping and stomping) will get you running faster and faster. Yeah, it’s pure venomous anger fueling you at the moment, but you can use that to get you to the top of this motherforking hill.
“I got down it! I did it,” you say. “Wait. Is that another hill? I mean Jesus. F. Christ. Another….ahhhhh…..This is bad. God, there’s no such thing as a runners high, is there? It’s a lie. IT’S ALL LIES!!!”
16. “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” The Rolling Stones
Yeah, you’re getting a little despondent. But right now, you just have to keep throwing one foot in front of the other. The Rolling Stones will keep you at a reasonable and steady pace as you do this, and also, will echo the angsty feelings you’re having right at this point in the run. I mean, you’re doing your best. You try and you try and you try. But….at this point you’re just going to assume that all life is meaningless.
But you’re still running, and that has to count for SOMETHING, right?
“There’s another hill. I’m not even surprised at this point,” you realize. “I am going to die. This is it. This is what takes me. One effing run. Boy, I wish I had traveled more before I died! And I wish I had found love, and I really definitely wish I had erased my search history on my computer before my mom went through all my stuff. But oh well, goodbye cruel world.”
17. “Die Young,” Kesha
If you’re going to die on this hill, you might as well give this the last bit of energy you have. The electro beat of “Die Young” will push you right past your limits. Do you have that little bit of reserve energy you were keeping inside just in case you were chased by a lion at some point on this run? Use it. You’re going to die anyway. Make the most of things.
“Is this Heaven? Is my childhood dog here? No. Wait. My legs are still moving. I’m still running. How am I still running? It’s like I always have been running and always will be running. I get it now. This is Hell. There is no exit.”
18. “Dream On,” Aerosmith
Things have gotten bleak. But you have to find the part of your soul that can still do this. Don’t worry, “Dream On” is here to catch you before you fall. It slows to a crawl at the beginning. And sure, you’re running slower but You. Are. Full. Of. Fire. And. Fury.
“Dream on, dream on, dream on,” you scream to the heavens from the depths of pure despair. “Dream until your dreams come true.” And you build strength as you go. Like the song, you’re feeling very emotional and, you think, you can keep doing this. One minute at a time.
“I should just quit. No. Wait. NO. I’m not going to quit this the way I quit piano lessons. Or ice skating lessons. Or soccer. I could be a classical pianist doing triple axles while balancing a ball on my head. But I gave up. Just like I’ve given up everything. Well, not this. Not this time. I’ve got this. I can do it. I have so many dreams, and if I can do this I can do anything. Ignore the pain. Brush off the pain. And. Just. Keep. Running.”
19. “Shake It Off”, Taylor Swift
Look, Haters gonna hate… hate…hate. But Taylor has some damn, catchy songs. They’re perfect to run to! You went to some dark places in this running journey for a few songs, but it’s time to let all of that go. Embrace a pop song, and a new, happier you. Shake it off. Can’t stop, won’t stop… moving! Never!
“God, I’m strong,” you think. “Try harder next time universe! You can’t take me down!”
20. “Stronger,” Kanye West
Imma let you finish, but Kanye has the greatest running songs of all time. I didn’t even know what to choose, do I go with “Power” or what about “Jesus Walks”? And oh! “New Workout Plan”! Classic! I have gotten through so many workouts thanks to Kanye West that he should probably start sending me a personal training bill. Ultimately, I went with “Stronger” because the beat is so dope for running, and I run to it literally, every single time I go out. I have run to this song hundreds of times, and it. Is. Perfect.
“AHHHHHHH! I. Am. Picking. Up. Speed. This is amazing. I’m a beast! I am a God! I am Thor with his hammer. And I am doing whatever his hammer does. Like…shake things! Or electrocute things? Or like does it do something to gravity? Honestly- I’ve seen the movies, and I still don’t know. I AM INVINCIBLE.”
21. “Thunderstruck,” AC/DC
It’s time for a song with lyrics that scream the word THUNDER at you. It’s time for some hard rock. No one will help you. You are the change you wish to see in the world. Hardcore change. You are THE CHOSEN RUNNING ONE. This song harnesses all of your power and shoots it into you with the might of a mighty summer storm. You can not run to “Thunderstruck” without a determined grimace on your face. And that’s good, because you won’t just “get through” this run now, YOU WILL MURDER THIS AND EVERY CHALLENGE.
Side Note: Another fun (but less healthy) thing to do is to play this song at a party and make everyone drink a shot of beer every time they say the word “Thunder.” Spoiler: They say the word thunder A LOT.
“This is the final push, baby. Push it to 90 percent. No. 100. I’m so close to the finish line. It’s time. It’s time to give it everything like Nicolas Cage during literally any monologue no matter the subject matter.”
22. “Eye of the Tiger,” Survivor
It’s time to push yourself to your absolute limit. You have the runners’ high, and you could run another ten miles at this point because you are filled to the brim with endorphins. You’ve literally never felt so great. “Eye of the Tiger” really recounts the epic journey you just went on, you know? You rose up to the challenge and you’re a survivor. You’re the eye of Tiger. Your eyes are tiger eyes. Real yellow and stuff. Yeah, that’s right, you probably should be checked for liver disease they’re SO YELLOW. Tiger eyes!
“I can’t believe it’s already over! I could run forever! Cool down?! Impossible. I am the world’s hottest human. No one has ever had such a run as I!”
23. “Joyful, Joyful,” Lauryn Hill and various, Sister Act 2
It’s time to bring it f*cking home. When you’re finishing a run, you want a song that doesn’t just make you run, you want it to make you feel. You want a choir to come in at the end and raise their voices to the heavens.
It’s time to cry, it’s time to sing, and it’s time to do an extra victory lap, just because. YOU. FEEL. JOYFUL.
“You did it baby,” you tell yourself. Do you speak in the third person now? Yes. Of course, you do. You’re royalty. “You did it, baby” you repeat, arms lifted in the air in triumph to all the fans who are sitting at outdoor tables at Panera, eating cream of potato soup, and pretending they aren’t excited to see your victory. “Take off your robes,” you scream into the air with abandon as a busser gives you a dirty look because you’ve grabbed half eaten salad off of a plate and are flinging it into the air, sweet sesame-ginger dressing dripping down your powerful fingers. “YOUR TEACHER SAYS TAKE OFF YOUR ROBES!”
You leap into the air, the soggy, flying lettuce framing your glowing face as you vault towards the heavens. You did it!
WASHINGTON—Years of research regarding your progress thus far and the projected outcome of your continued efforts have culminated in the finding that it is in fact time for you to give up, experts on you concluded this week. “You made a decent run at it, but you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re ever really going to get anywhere,” said numerous sources who worked on your case, none of whom believed that further expenditure of time, energy, or resources would garner apreciable gains and all of whom believed that a graceful admission of defeat is your best option. “You may believe this is merely a slump or a rough patch and that you’ll eventually get back on track with everything, but all the data we have indicate that the more effort you put forth now, the greater your disappointment will be when you are finally forced to surrender to your own inadequacy and stop trying altogether. Yes, before you say anything, we know it seems as if you have years to get it together, but you don’t. Those years will only bear mute witness as you flail helplessly, getting nowhere. You probably should have given up decades ago. You are a failure.” The experts also noted that, while it has been stated many times previously that one should never, ever give up, that sentiment is intended as a general guideline and does not apply in your specific and more hopeless case.
LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge” Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was kind of interesting when he first got here, but now whenever he opens his mouth it’s more bitching and moaning about Puffy or Eazy-E, or some story about how he had to pistol-whip some minor producer no one’s ever heard of,” said Hall, adding that sometimes he just wanted to go to sleep without getting a play-by-play of the 1995 Source Awards. “It’s like, ‘We get it, Suge.’ You haven’t forgiven Uncle Luke for that diss track 24 years ago, and, okay, Snoop’s protégés were probably wrong to use the Death Row office without permission, but if I have to hear about it one more time while I’m taking a shit five feet away, I’m going to scream.” The cellmate said it was especially frustrating that Knight never wants to hear about the family of four Hall murdered.
John Cena and Nikki Bella have broken off their engagement and ended their relationship, according to a short statement they released through Us Weekly.
While this decision was a difficult one, we continue to have a great deal of love and respect for one another. We ask that you respect our privacy during this time in our lives.
A short time after the Us article went live, the Bella Twins also tweeted the statement.
The couple, who have starred in Total Divas and its spinoff Total Bellas, as well as being veteran WWE Superstars, famously got engaged at WrestleMania 33, just over a year ago. It makes sense when you think about it, however, that their lives have gone in different directions since then. They used to be on the same touring schedule as wrestlers, but now John is only wrestling part time while starring in major Hollywood movies like his recent comedy Blockers, while Nikki is helping run multiple businesses and still doing the reality TV thing, including a recent run on Dancing with the Stars. In a previous interview with Us Weekly, John Cena spoke about the difficulties of maintaining their relationship:
I would never ever want Nicole to be in a position where she says, “I’m holding you back from doing this because I feel it’s wrong for us.” And I would never say that to her. That’s why she’s super busy and sometimes we don’t see each other for months at a time, but when we do see each other, it’s our time together. I think, for now at least, that is certainly what’s making this work.
That very telling “for now” appears to have since come to an end. As they move on with their lives and careers, those of us watching from home can only wish them each the best.
These days, Saturday Night Live is at its best when it’s being unapologetically weird, like with “Space Pants” or the initial David S. Pumpkins sketch, and former writer John Mulaney appeared to be very conscious of that fact during his first-ever hosting gig on the show last night. The two best sketches from last…
Yeah, those words have never come back to haunt a President
President Trump on Saturday praised an allied nation airstrike on the Assad regime in Syria, thanking France and the United Kingdom and declaring “Mission Accomplished!”
House Speaker Paul Ryan told his staff and colleagues Wednesday morning that he will not run for reelection, a predictable conclusion after a few months of him and his staff flatly denying rumors that he would retire.
A knife-wielding man injured three people in an attack in downtown Indianapolis after being told to stop playing a siren on a bullhorn, authorities said Sunday.
James Anderson Jr., 28; Edward Lee Atkins, 26; and Johnny Gilson, 46, were injured in the attack Saturday afternoon on the American Legion...
Goddammit how is this bloated piece of whale shit our president
It's still unclear why exactly the FBI raided the office of Michael Cohen, Donald Trump's longtime personal lawyer, on Monday, though the payments Cohen made to porn star and alleged intimate Trump companion Stormy Daniels may have had something to do with it. But one thing's for sure: Trump himself is not happy with it.
During a meeting of military leaders later Monday, Trump denounced the raid as a "disgrace" and "an attack on our country in a true sense" in comments that show just how frustrated he has become with the tangled web of lawsuits, accusations, and investigations that have been a constant feature of his presidency. "Here we are talking about Syria, we're talking about a lot of serious things... and I have this witch hunt constantly going on for over 12 months now," Trump complained.
As usual, Trump spoke about the FBI in starkly partisan terms. He described them as "Democrats," and said, "This is the most biased group of people... These people have the biggest conflict of interests I've ever seen." (The FBI raid was conducted in conjunction with federal prosecutors in New York State after a referral from Special Counsel Robert Mueller, though Trump didn't really bother distinguishing between the broader Russia-related investigation and this operation.) He claimed that "they found no collusion whatsoever with Russia," though obviously Mueller's investigation is ongoing, and complained, "They're not looking at the other side, they're not looking at Hillary Clinton, the horrible things that she did."
This sort of me-against-the-world kvetching was a constant theme throughout the 2016 campaign and has become a hallmark of Trump's presidential rhetoric. Unlike during the campaign, however, the people Trump is complaining about are part of the US Department of Justice and therefore technically his own subordinates. In fact, Trump lashed out against Attorney General Jeff Sessions by name, saying that the top Justice official made a "terrible mistake" when he recused himself and that he (Trump) wouldn't have appointed Sessions if he had known the former Alabama senator was going to do that. Trump also said that his widely criticized decision to fire former FBI Director James Comey was the "right thing," citing a controversy about an "insurance policy" that was likely unintelligible to anyone not closely following coverage of a demoted FBI agent's text messages.
Trump could fire Sessions, or Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein (who appointed Mueller after the Comey firing and who Trump also criticized) at any time, of course. He could even demand that Mueller be fired—a move that the president has reportedly come very close to making. A tirade like the one Trump just launched into could be seen as laying the groundwork for firing everyone—after all, if the FBI and the Department of Justice are so biased and so anti-American, what would be wrong with cleaning house? (Never mind that these institutions are being run by people Trump appointed.) But Trump also has the habit of thinking out loud to the extent that it's hard to judge how serious any of his ideas are.
At the meeting, a reporter asked the obvious question: Will Trump fire Mueller? The president demurred: "We'll see what happens," he said.
A Southwest Airlines flight heading from New York's LaGuardia Airport to
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