IKEA Monkey

William H. Klein, a 47-year-old New Jersey man, was sentenced to 8 months in federal prison and 2 months of house arrest this week for calling in a bomb threat before a July 5 One Direction concert at Hersheypark in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Klein, a divorced father of two, made the call after failing to procure tickets for his two daughters.

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Snoop Dogg got a house call from his nail artists at Hey Nice Nails!, who, incidentally, hail from the LBC. He received a duo-chrome French with pot leaf and dollar sign decals.

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Via Brewers

Random animals have long played roles in the superstitions of Major League Baseball teams, with the Rally Monkey of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Rally Squirrel of the St. Louis Cardinals of St. Louis being two of the most notable recent examples. The Milwaukee Brewers are getting an early jump on the four-legged good luck charm with the adoption of a stray pooch named Hank that just sort of wandered into the Maryvale Baseball Park in Arizona. And yet we were told that those stray dogs in Maryvale were just a figment of our imaginations.

Since showing up at the park, Hank has become a staple of the Brewers’ Twitter feed, and the players have taken him in like he’s one of their own. It’s safe to say that any of the other strays in Hank’s old Chihuahua street gang would be insanely jealous of the pampered treatment he’s receiving, but who says that rags to riches stories don’t happen anymore?

I have to warn you, though – the video clip you’re about to see might just make your head explode from unbearable cuteness, because Hank got to run in his first mascot race at the ballpark today. Again, if you have a weak heart or can’t handle excessive adorableness, you need to look away immediately.

Very well done, Brewers. Now hopefully Hank can pitch, too.

Via Brewers

Earlier today, the FDA finally got around to unveiling the first major change to food nutrition labels in two decades. The new-look label contains mostly the same information as the current version, but with the addition of “added sugars” data, the loss of “calories from fat,” and more emphasis on total calories per serving and servings per container.

As you can see from the side-by-side example above, the two biggest changes — aside from flipping the percentages to the left of the column — are the increased prominence of the calories and the much larger and bolder information regarding servings per container. Additionally, nutritional info that is currently listed as “Amount Per Serving,” will have the actual serving size listed. In the above example, you can see that the proposed label now says “Amount per 2/3 cup,” as a further reminder that 2/3 of a cup is the serving size for this product.

An update that is not as immediately noticeable is the inclusion of an “added sugars” line. The FDA says this was important to include in the label because Americans eat 16% of their daily calories from sugars added during food production.

Meanwhile, the FDA is proposing to get rid of the “calories from fat” info.

“We know that the type of fat is more important than the total amount of fat,” says FDA scientist Claudine Kavanaugh about this change.

A non-cosmetic change to the labels, but one that would impact the data that appears on the nutrition panel, is the FDA’s proposal to update serving size requirements to reflect what people actually eat, not what they should be eating.

For example, a pint of ice cream is currently listed as 4 servings. The FDA proposes changing that to two servings per container.

One final new requirement is the inclusion of Vitamin D and potassium information on each label, as part of an effort to increase public awareness of how littel of each of these nutrients consumers are getting. Vitamin D is to be included because of its importance in bone health, especially among women and the elderly, while potassium helps to lower blood pressure and prevent hypertension.

Proposed Changes to the Nutrition Facts Label [FDA.gov]

dennys:

Your Best Breakfast Forward!

Inside of all of us, there is a breakfast lover who has the potential to do great things. Find yours today! Change is easy with this simple program, but don’t take our word for it:

“These tapes are amazing! They taught me to love myself as much as I love bacon.”
-Danny W.

“After I finished my Denny’s self-help tapes, I was moved. To a mental health facility with lessened security.”
-Cara M.

“Before I purchased this self-help set, I was a depressed, single 45 year old man. These tapes changed my life. Now I’m a slightly less depressed 12 year old cat.”
-Bob S.

I’m so confused

This is TOTALLY FUCKED, guys. Not only is Jan Brewer, Arizona governatrix, continuing to take her meds, but she apparently has inspired her state’s senators, Herrs McCain and Flake, to pick up some Lithium as well. And now she has come out, looking good, and explaining that she has vetoed SB 1062, the desperately needed bill to protect Arizonans from mean gays suing the fuck out of them if they discriminate in their public accommodations (that means, like, “business”), which has caused fucking idiots like Ben Shapiro to be fucking idiots, again, and whine about the big mean government making them bake gay cakes. (Hint: Harvard Law grad Ben Shapiro is bad at law.)

Then she yelled at the Arizona legislature for not sending her any bills to fix their fucked children’s services (we in Los Angeles understand this well) and instead focusing on idiot nonsense that is unnecessary, discriminatory, and bad for business.

Sure, this might be “good” for Arizonans, but it is positively the death knell for your Wonkette. This shit spreads, you guys. A Code Red outbreak of sanity will bury us. Send help.

Today, the full version of Beyoncé's "Partition" video was released, and it's um, sexy. Like really fucking sexy. There is not one moment that's not dripping with some salacious Beyoncé dancing and borderline contortionist poses or something. Even though it's Beyoncé (and she will do as she pleases and we will always love it as Beyoncé is pretty much Big Brother) by the end of the four-minute video I was just exhausted from all her sexiness.

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Enjoy a beer with your burger, do ya? Well, you could now save a lot of time just by ordering the BrewBurger.

Brought to us by Scottish brewers and squirrel enthusiasts, BrewDog, the burger is an aged beef patty topped with Comté cheese. Also included are beer-fried onions using BrewDog’s Punk IPA, a BBQ reduction made from BrewDog’s Paradox Imperial Stout, and bacon glazed with BrewDog’s 5AM Saint.

All that sounds great… But only if you’re of drinking age, as the burger contains enough alcohol that it requires ID. It’s suggested that you pair the BrewBurger with a BrewDog Bourbon Baby, and call a cab while you’re at it.

[The Drinks Business, via Foodbeast]

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world.

Cry-Baby #1: Judy Cox

via KUTV. Hat tip to @jiveaficionado. Screencaps via PacSun and WGNTV

The incident: A woman saw a shirt she found offensive on display in a store window.

The appropriate response: Nothing. 

The actual response: She spent almost $600 buying out the store's entire stock. 

Earlier this week, Judy Cox was shopping with her 18-year-old son at University Mall in Orem, Utah.

As she walked past a PacSun store, she saw several T-shirts printed with images of women in various states of undress (the most explicit of which can be seen above). The photos were shot by Van Styles, whom, coincidentally, VICE interviewed last week.

Judy was offended. She told 4Utah News, "I was most concerned about the youth and the children that would be viewing this."

She went into the store and spoke with the manager about taking the display down.

The manager told Judy that, though she agreed the shirts were offensive, she was unable to do anything about the display without permission from PacSun's corporate offices.

So Judy decided to buy up all of the shirts to remove them from public view. There were 19 left in stock, which cost her about $600 to buy.

Judy says she plans to return the shirts to the store on the last day of PacSun's 60-day return policy. She also intends to meet with city officials to try to figure out whether the shirts violate any local laws. Doesn't Judy seem like a super-fun and chill lady?

Cry-Baby #2: Chung Kim

Michelle Jackson, Jamie Stafford and Chung Kim, via Reddit

The incident: A man got sick of his neighbors' constantly getting dog poop on his porch.

The appropriate response: Complaining to the landlord or property manager.

The actual response: He murdered them.

Mother of five Michelle Jackson and her fiancé Jamie Stafford, both 31, had lived above 75-year-old Chung Kim for two years in an apartment complex in Dallas, Texas.

According to neighbors, Chung had been involved in an ongoing argument with the young couple over their brushing dog poop off their balcony onto his porch below. 

Earlier this month, Michelle was out on her balcony using a hose to clean away poop from her dog. This caused water and feces to drip down onto Chung's porch below. Which is, most certainly, a dick move.

This, apparently, caused Chung to snap. Using a hand gun, he allegedly shot up through the bottom of the balcony, killing Michelle.

Police say he then went upstairs, entered the apartment, and shot Jamie.

Upon being shot, Jamie fell over the railing of the balcony and onto the grass below. Chung then allegedly went back downstairs, stood over Jamie, and shot him again, killing him. 

Witnesses heard about eight shots. Both victims had been shot in the head.

Chung was arrested and convicted of capital murder. He faces life in prison. He claims that he suffered a blackout and doesn't remember the shootings. 

Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll right here:

Previously: A guy who stabbed a girl in the face because she called him "Harry Potter" vs. Drake

Winner: Drake!!!

@JLCT

From A Hamburger Today

Bobby Blue Burger from Bobby's Burger Palace [Photograph: Bobby's Burger Palace]

This week, we're opening up the floor to a discussion about celebrity-owned burger restaurants, like Wahlburgers, Marc Burger, Bobby's Burger Palace, Burger Bar, and Flip Burger (among others). Have you visited a celebrity-owned burger restaurant? Would you go back, or was the experience a let-down? Do you think they're over- or under-rated? Chime in with your thoughts in the comments.

Results of last week's poll

A very rare burger from Perla in NYC (AHT review) [Photograph: Max Falkowitz]

According to last week's poll, just over half of respondents (55 percent) said they don't bother sending their burger back if it's not cooked to their requested doneness, while 45 percent of respondents do. The results are similar to the last time we asked this question, back in 2010. There was a lot of discussion on the subject of burger send-backage in the comments. Here's what a few of you had to say:

If it's an expensive burger, I'll send it back. If it's only slightly under or overdone at a less expensive place, I will suck it up. I couldn't participate in the poll because there was no place to vote 'depends on how much I paid for it.'

—Teachertalk

Before ordering, the question "will the kitchen prepare a medium-rare burger?" is always asked. I won't order a burger if the restaurant doesn't take cook-to-preference orders. If it comes out cooked incorrectly, it goes back.

—NancyLarson

Unless it's a really nice restaurant I typically will only send it back if it's truly undercooked. I like mine medium rare/medium so if it's anywhere up to medium well I'll usually not complain. I find most of the taste in a good burger comes from the meat quality... I had an (American) Kobe burger that was cooked well done but still super tasty.

—HappyHighwayman

Note: the poll remains open, so these numbers may shift slightly in the future.

About the author: Erin Jackson is a food writer and photographer who is obsessed with discovering the best eats in San Diego. You can find all of her discoveries on her San Diego food blog EJeats.com. On Twitter, she's @ErinJax

Love hamburgers? Then you'll Like AHT on Facebook! And go follow us on Twitter while you're at it!oll

I've never understood why men don't wear an engagement ring. Actually, scratch that: I understand why they didn't wear them in the past, when marriage was but the economic chess move of a lady, any lady from her Father to Some Other Dude. But Things Have Changed ™ so it's high time the lady-only engagement ring goes the way of the hetero-dodo and men announced their cordoned-off status for all to see immediately upon engagement.

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If you're like the rest of us here, you have an embarrassing horde of beauty products that you've tried once and given up on. But we all have one product that astounded you with its dead-on perfect results.

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[Photographs: Tessa McLean]

Chicagoans who love hot sauce know the simplistic black and white labels of Co-Op Sauce well. You'll find bottles in many new breakfast and fried chicken spots, and maybe even in your artisanal grocery store down the street. Co-Op Sauce is stealing the throne from the Frank's and Chulula's of the world, and doing it with just one blender.

Seriously, one industrial kitchen blender. While most of us would assume the tasty hot sauce you dipped your eggs in this morning came from a large warehouse with an even larger kitchen space somewhere on the outskirts of the city, most of us would be wrong. That one blender is all it takes to make the mountain of sauce spilling out of a small kitchen on North Clark Street.

Owner Mike Bancroft and his team are working hard, and they're barely keeping up with demand. They hand-fill most batches with 32 ounce squeeze bottles because it's easier and more sanitary than other options. They even print their own labels, which Bancroft designs, and seal them right there in the shop. "It's as hand-made as it can possibly be," Bancroft says.

The sauce has come a long way from the humble beginnings of a community art project he began over 10 years ago. Bancroft was a teacher who loved to engage his students and make an impact in as many ways as he could. He was beginning a youth education project in 2003 where the students were creating art, and he figured there had to be some way to finance the project since the students weren't allowed by law to sell their art. Another of Bancroft's passions was making sauce, something he generally did only for family and friends, so he figured he'd create Co-Op Image.

He'd been growing chilies at one of the project's community gardens (one they still grow in East Humboldt Park), but wasn't successful selling the produce. Not one to give up or be wasteful, he began making sauces with those chilies and selling them at local markets. It quickly began to take off.

As his hot sauce empire expands, 50 percent of the profits are still going back to this community program. Almost all of Bancroft's staff (which do get paid) are current or former participants in Co-Op Image, and many commute from the far West Side all the way to Edgewater. When I was there, one was hard at work labeling and sealing bottles on a Saturday.

The space is cramped. Boxes are stacked to the ceiling and barrels sit side by side lining the basement. Handwritten recipes are taped to the walls, dotted with red and orange splotches likely from that very blender that makes all the magic happen. Bancroft knows they've outgrown their space, and they're currently looking into other options to expand the business.

While they're churning out as much sauce as they can, Bancroft is and always has been dedicated to sourcing local ingredients. It may sound trendy now, but to Bancroft it just makes sense: "As trite and contrived as everyone likes to say sourcing locally is, we still think it's super important and we don't care having to say it."

That dedication to their product helps them navigate the path to a great bottle of sauce. It takes a lot of trial, error, and inspiration.

"I'm inspired by the ingredients themselves. And then once we nail a recipe, we try to get it consistent, so that's a challenge. When you're doing stuff in small batches, people start to develop a taste for things. And to keep that consistent is a bigger challenge than coming up with the initial recipe. It's easy to come up with something, it's hard to keep that the same over time. But the key is just to have fun with it. "

He attributes a lot of that fun and success to his connections with the the local business community in Chicago, They've made vinegar in Koval barrels, which the distillery donated to them. One sauce uses Dark Matter coffee, while another contains local beer yeast from Goose Island. "I think that's what's great about small business in Chicago, especially in the food business, it's not super cut-throat. People want to help one another."

Just last year Bancroft was able to partner with Anne Kotroski to open Sauce and Bread Kitchen, which serves sandwiches, coffee, and pastry five days a week next door to the kitchen space. The cafe also plays host to The Stew Supper Club, a monthly five-course dinner where Bancroft and Kotroski are able to try out different recipes with their patrons. The dinners are incredibly reasonable at $45, and sometimes feature interesting collaborations with alcohol producers like a recent one with Pipeworks Brewery. Grab tickets early, as these events always sell out.

As much as the sauce business consumes most of his time, Bancroft's passion is still teaching, and he continues to teach three days a week at after school programs. Still, he's got a big year ahead of him. In April, they'll have a sauce collaboration out with Scrumptious Pantry of Chicago and three sauces will be on Whole Foods shelves nationwide.

So how does he know a hot sauce will be a hit?

"Cooks well, finishes well, good on pizza, those are the three tests."

From Sweets

VIEW SLIDESHOW: Staff Picks: What's Your Least Favorite Dessert?

When it comes to dessert, it's easy to start gushing about the sweets you really love, about that one dish you'd probably eat until you barfed.*

*no shame

On the flip side of the coin, everyone has a least favorite dessert, whether it's a dish they'd just prefer to skip or it's something that actually makes them shudder. We asked the Serious Eats team to chime in with their picks, so check them all out in the sideshow above.

And tell us in the comments, what's your least favorite dessert?

From Serious Eats: New York

[Photographs: Chris Malloy unless otherwise noted]

On the back wall of Le Bernardin, a restaurant known for its seafood, a 24-foot oil painting of the Pacific Ocean hangs above a well-lit dining room of white-clothed tables neatly set with plates, cutlery, and glasses. It spans four tables. Foamy, sunlit water eddies across the canvas from corner to corner.

"If you have a restaurant with nothing on the walls, there's no energy," explains chef and co-owner Eric Ripert. "Paintings can bring a certain feel."

This particular painting, Deep Water No. 1 by Ran Ortner, brings a muscularity and wildness to the civilized, codified experience of eating in a fine restaurant. There it is—right above the dainty tuna brochette, the carefully spooned caviar—the wild home where the food on your plate started.

Ripert hung the painting during Le Bernardin's 2011 renovation. It comfortably fits the room and helps to project the new vibe he wanted.

"We used to have an old collection of 18th-century pieces. They were beautiful, but they brought a stiffness to the dining room. It felt like the Louvre. Art is essential in our lives and in restaurants. It sets the tone."

Ripert says that what happened was that the restaurant's food and style changed. So did its customer base. It had gotten younger. Ripert noticed a disconnect between the evolution of his restaurant and the feeling created by the old pictures on its walls. It felt, as he says, "stuck in the 80s, when Le Bernardin started."

Deep Water No. 1 feels better suited to the today. "It gives a lot of energy to the room," Ripert says. He felt that energy when he visited Ortner's studio in Brooklyn, so much so that he decided to buy the painting then and there.

"Eric walked into my studio and threw his arms up," says Ortner. "He knew he wanted this painting."

Ortner works in a cavernous room with high, bleach-white walls. Sweeping oil paintings featuring watery scenes (and nothing but water) hang or lean on these walls, and a few tables and desks appear like specks in the white space. Over time, the ocean has become Ortner's choice subject. He believes he can paint the ocean especially well because he surfs.

"I had never seen paintings of the ocean that conveyed the muscularity and the immediacy I feel when I'm paddling out," Ortner says. "It's almost like being in a cathedral. You get diminished by its scale."

Eric Ripert. [Photograph: Brent Herrig]

Deep Water No. 1 started after a trip to the Pacific Ocean. On that trip, Ortner took 10,000 photographs. One caught his eye for of the way the water moved, and it became the reference for painting Deep Water No. 1. Three panels in a row make up the 6-by-24-foot painting that's barely contained on La Bernardin's back wall. Sunlight and lights from the teakwood rafters warm its cool colors.

"You see some of the same things in painting that you see in food and wine," Ortner says. "You achieve a fortune of contrasts between textures and rhythms."

That may be true. But, on some level, the painting is best when the beholder doesn't think too hard. There hangs a massive painting of the sea, and there below it people are eating some of the best fish around. In itself, that cool relationship should bring some added joy to dinner.

About the author: Chris Malloy is a writer from the Philadelphia area. He has a Master's in Food Studies from Boston University. If you enjoyed this story, check out some of his other work.

Pennsylvania couple Herbert and Catherine Schaible were sentenced to 3.5-7 years in prison yesterday after pleading no contest to third degree murder in the death of their 8-month-old son Brandon, who passed away last year from complications stemming from treatable pneumonia. The Schaibles — who are devoted Pentecostalists — refused to seek medical attention for their son, instead relying on faith-healing. The pair were already on probation for the death of their two-year-old son Kent (who also died from curable pneumonia) in 2009.

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Editor's note: Each Saturday afternoon we bring you a Sunday Supper recipe. Why on Saturday? So you have time to shop and prepare for tomorrow.

An oven-baked egg dish stippled with Spanish chorizo. [Photograph: Jennifer Olvera]

This dish was inspired by a Bon Appétit recipe cooked in a cast iron skillet, but I like to give mine a boost with some smoky Spanish chorizo. Left to simmer so the flavors can meld, the bold pepper and tomato sauce forms the foundation for an oven-baked meal starring eggs atop ricotta. If you're feeling extra-ambitious, consider making the ricotta from scratch. Otherwise, use the real-deal kind you find at an Italian deli—it's drier and more crumbly that supermarket standbys.

Be forewarned that the sauce is spicy; if you're sensitive to heat, then remove the seeds from the serranos or use a single jalapeño (again, with seeds removed) in their place. You can also cut back on the smoked paprika or look for a sweet version instead of a picante variety. Either way, you should feel free to make the sauce up to a day in advance. Store it in the refrigerator, but be sure to warm it before proceeding to the next steps—otherwise, the eggs will take too long to cook.

Do these eggs work for brunch, too? You bet. But they're prefect for a cozy dinner. Just add some crusty bread and a crisp, green salad in an acidic vinaigrette and you're golden.

About the author: Jennifer Olvera is a veteran food and travel writer and author of "Food Lovers' Guide to Chicago." Follow her on Twitter @olverajennifer.

I was sad when I found out the upcoming film In The Blood wasn’t Gina Carano’s take on Truman Capote.

Instead, someone took Haywire, the 1999 Mel Gibson classic Payback and the game FarCry 3 and just crammed them the hell together, creating a weird tropical island mystery action thriller where Gina Carano shoots at stuff while an ethnically-diverse group of bad guys quips their asses off. I guess when you make a movie with Gina Carano you have to fill the non-armbreaker or Superman Punches moments with character actors pretending to be extras in Commando.

Here’s the first trailer, and it is spectacular.

And now, our 10 favorite lines of horrible, horrible dialogue:

1. “Where you gonna run little rabbit, you’re in MY ISLAND!”
2. “Somebody’s gonna put you down … you put them in the ground!”
3. “You hit hard!”
4. “Just in case I don’t see you again …” “Don’t SAY THAT!”
5. “Everything you see is not really what it is.”
6. punch sound effect
7. “AMGANNA FIND YOU!”
8. “There’s no record of your husband being admitted into any hospitals” (line read courtesy of Greendale alum Luis Guzman)
9. “I understand you’re the main beneficiary of all his assets.” (this one, too)
10. “I’m his wife … and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get him back!”

Can’t wait for this. I love that now there’s an entire genre of “MMA fighter does armbars and superman punches” action films. One day Gina and Ronda Rousey will try to armbar and superman punch each other simultaneously and it’ll make a billion dollars*.

*6 million, tops.

Getty Image

A lot of us thought that UFC 170 was one of the more underwhelming cards that we’d seen in some time. Hell, I felt like it was barely even advertised, as I didn’t spend at least a cumulative hour each day complaining about the song selection for the PPV’s commercial. Whether or not the mainstream UFC fans agreed with our HOT TAEKS will be seen when the numbers are released, but I think most of us will agree that UFC 170 ended up being a pretty good event, especially with four of the five main card fights ending with TKOs.

So what about those UFC 170 results? And what about the most important one, Ronda Rousey vs. Sara McMann? Billed as the first time that two Olympic medalists met in the octagon, McMann was supposed to be the first real threat to Rousey’s perfect record. Was she? Spoilers and UFC 170 results ahead.

Women’s Bantamweight Championship – Main Event
Ronda Rousey def. Sara McMann (TKO, Round 1)

Haha, nope. A knee to the liver ended this one quicker than any fight on the entire card. But hey, at least McMann can say she didn’t tap to the arm bar.

Light Heavyweight – Co-Main Event
Daniel Cormier def. Patrick Cummins (TKO, Round 1)

This fight was a sham and a scam and a flim flam and a “Wham bam, thank you, ma’am.” Cummins had no business being in the octagon with Cormier, and the latter proved why. If anything, Cummins has
earned a few more fights for being a good sport.

Main Card
Welterweight: Rory MacDonald def. Demian Maia (Split Decision)

Welcome back, ass-kicking killer instinct Rory MacDonald. Now get in line behind Johny Hendricks and Robbie Lawler, and wait for them to have three epic title fights before you get your chance.

Welterweight: Mike Pyle def. TJ Waldburger (TKO, Round 3)
Welterweight: Stephen Thompson def. Robert Whittaker (TKO, Round 1)

Preliminary Card
Women’s Bantamweight: Alexis Davis def. Jessica Eye (Split Decision)
Bantamweight: Raphael Assunção def. Pedro Munhoz (Unanimous Decision)
Bantamweight: Aljamain Sterling def. Cody Gibson (Unanimous Decision)
Flyweight: Zach Makovsky def. Josh Sampo (Unanimous Decision)

Preliminary Card
Lightweight: Erik Koch def. Rafaello Oliveira (TKO, Round 1)
Lightweight: Ernest Chavez def. Yosdenis Cedeno (Split Decision)

Abbi and Ilana are best friends, but extremely different people. Abbi is inherently passive, lusting after her neighbor from afar and quietly hating her job cleaning pubes out of gym showers, while Ilana is aggressive, eagerly pursuing sexual relationships and showing a blatant disregard for her work duties. Up to this point, Ilana’s wild lifestyle has been the major source of excitement in Abbi’s life, and episodes of Broad City have focused on how the best friends’ personalities complement each other, with the two often finding a behavioral middle ground through alcohol and marijuana. At the start of “Fattest Asses,” that character contrast is once again put on display with separate scenes of Abbi and Ilana in their work environments; but then the story takes a turn that pushes the series to a new high point, showing the hilarity that ensues when Abbi decides to do away with ...

This is what January Jones looked like when she was nine. First things first — where is that shirt sold and how much will it cost me?

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