IKEA Monkey

On Monday, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service temporarily closed Three Sisters Springs in the Crystal River after more than 300 manatees rapidly moved into the springs. “We have a record number this year,” Laura Ruettiman, an environmental education guide at the Springs told USA TODAY. “We have 150 more manatees here than have ever been recorded in the past.” Here are a few things you might not have known about these cute, cuddly aquatic mammals.

1. "Manatee" comes from the Carab word manti, meaning “breast, udder.” These docile creatures are also called sea cows.

2. Manatees live in coastal waters and rivers, and they’re the ocean’s largest herbivore: An adult can grow up to 13 feet long and weigh as much as 1300 pounds—and consume 10 to 15 percent of its body weight in vegetation each day.

3. Using their powerful tails, manatees can swim for short bursts at 15mph. However, the placid animals are usually content to cruise along at 5mph.

4. There are three species of manatee: West Indian (Trichechus manatus), West African (Trichechus senegalensis), and Amazonian (Trichechus inunguis). The aquatic mammals belong to the order Sirenia, which also includes the dugong (Dugong dugon), and the Steller's sea cow, which went extinct in 1768 due to overhunting.

5. According to a ship log dated January 9, 1493, Christopher Columbus himself said that on the previous day he “distinctly saw three mermaids, which rose well out of the sea; but they are not so beautiful as they are said to be, for their faces had some masculine traits.” Columbus wasn’t the only sailor to spot mermaids in the water. The reason they weren’t as beautiful as he might have imagined is because they were actually manatees.

6. Though they can hold their breath while submerged for 15 to 20 minutes, manatees usually surface every three to five minutes to breathe. With a single breath, manatees can replace 90 percent of the air in their lungs; humans, by comparison, replace just 10 percent.

7. Remember when that lady rode a manatee in Florida a few years ago and got arrested? That’s because West Indian manatees are protected by the Manatee Sanctuary Act, which states that it’s against the law for “any person at any time, by any means, or in any manner intentionally or negligently to annoy, molest, harass, or disturb or attempt to molest, harass, or disturb” the endangered animals.

8. Manatees are closely related to two land mammals: The hyrax and the elephant. While most animals have a heart that has a point, elephants and manatees have hearts that are rounded on the bottom.

9. The endangered animals are threatened by a number of things, including toxic red tide and run-ins with watercraft. According to Florida Today, 361 of Florida’s West Indian manatees died in 2014; 19 percent of the overall death toll came from watercraft.

10. Manatees have 2000 thick, whisker-like hairs called vibrissae on their faces, and 3000 on their bodies. These innervated follicles help the manatee sense and explore the world around it.

11. The manatee has a smooth brain, and the smallest brain of all mammals in relation to its body mass. But that doesn’t mean they’re stupid: According to a 2006 New York Times article on the work of Roger L. Reep, a neuroscientist at the University of Florida at Gainesville, manatees are “as adept at experimental tasks as dolphins, though they are slower-moving and, having no taste for fish, more difficult to motivate.”

12. Manatees are nearsighted and can see in blue, green, and gray—but not red!

Nationwide’s dead child commercial certainly had the power to kill the mood during Super Bowl XLIX. Nissan’s racecar dad set to Harry Chapin Carpenter’s “Cats in the Cradle” was also too ironic to be taken seriously. But if you thought those were bad, then you should be glad that you weren’t in St. Louis to catch this Super Bowl ad from the National Council on Alcoholism & Drug Abuse. At first, it almost seems like a bad joke – a video of a mom realizing that her son is upstairs doing heroin, concluding with her finding him dead of an overdose, all while set to a song so upbeat that it could be in a Wayfair.com commercial.

But it’s the real thing, and the NCADA explained that the problem of heroin and pill abuse is so serious in St. Louis that the strategy was basically to catch us all off guard so we’ll have no choice but to talk about it.

NCADA believes that this is an issue that requires everyone’s attention. In the St. Louis area, nearly 2,300 people have died during the last eight years. To keep more kids from dying, nothing is more crucial than open communication between parents and their children and several medical, social, and political changes, or kids will continue to die.

We acknowledge that this spot may upset some people, especially those who have suffered the loss of a loved one, and we apologize for any further grief seeing this video may cause. Hearing and seeing the grief of people who have lost someone to this devastating problem is what drives us in the work we do, without a real sea change, our young people will continue to die.

In using the tools of drama to convey this crucial truth in a 60-second spot, we created a parallel disconnection between the visual story we see on screen and the musical story we hear. It is disturbing. It is jarring. It is painful to watch. And we must pay attention to it.

Job very well done, NCADA, because at first I was just scared of needles. Now I’m terrified of heroin, too.

Whenever there’s a truck accident that results in food on the highways, we joke about what other kinds of trucks should stop by in order to make a complete meal. We had never anticipated the accident that occurred in California yesterday morning in California: a truck carrying frozen chicken collided with a truck transporting bees, resulting in a giant fireball that cooked the chicken.

No, it didn’t result in a giant mess of honey roasted chicken. You wouldn’t want to eat this chicken, with or without the diesel glaze. The bees escaped from the crash, but were understandably confused. Highway patrol officers reported that they were flying around the crash site. Meanwhile, pieces of cooked chicken were scattered around the site, probably smelling delicious but being decidedly not edible.

Fortunately, neither of the drivers were injured, and no other motorists were hurt either. The truck carrying the chicken was “incinerated” by the fireball, but the good news is that the bees mostly stayed under control: highway patrol officers noted that the wreck produced enough smoke that the bees that escaped from their crates stayed pretty calm. A nearby beekeeper later came by to gather them up.

TRUCKS CARRYING FROZEN CHICKEN, BEES COLLIDE IN FIERY CRASH [AP]

During the Super Bowl XLIX Sunday evening (which one of my viewing companions pointed out is a pretty sexy set of roman numerals), performance artist Katy Perry brought out a set of dancing sharks that immediately captivated a nation – in its pants.

Read more...

Fans at a high school hockey game in Fargo, North Dakota, called cops after noticing the Zamboni hitting the boards while cleaning the ice.

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Jerquan Dickson

[body_image width='950' height='617' path='images/content-images/2015/01/29/' crop='images/content-images-crops/2015/01/29/' filename='cry-baby-of-the-week-219-body-image-1422560734.jpg' id='22591']

Screencaps via Fox 43

The incident: Some kids threw snowballs at a guy's car.

The appropriate response: Yelling something at them as you drive away.

The actual response: He shot one of them several times.

This past weekend, 22-year-old Jerquan Dickson (pictured above) was driving in York, Pennsylvania.

As he passed a group of teenage boys, one of them allegedly threw a snowball at his car.

According to police, Jerquan got out of his car, chased the teens into an alleyway, and opened fire. He fired six shots before fleeing. Several of these shots hit 15-year-old Johnel Barton in the arms and legs.

Jerquan was found by police at his home. He admitted to shooting at the boy, but claims he had been attempting to fire "warning shots" into the snow. He was charged with aggravated assault and recklessly endangering another person.

The kid who got shot was taken to hospital, where he was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, Fox 43 reports.

Cry-Baby #2: Hershey's

[body_image width='914' height='596' path='images/content-images/2015/01/29/' crop='images/content-images-crops/2015/01/29/' filename='cry-baby-of-the-week-snowballs-shooting-219-body-image-1422570385.jpg' id='22613']

Photos via Flickr user Bodo and Google Maps

The incident: A British imports company sold imported British chocolate.

The appropriate response: Buying and eating it.

The actual response: Hershey's took legal action against them to stop them from selling a variety of superior-tasting British goods.

Last August, the Hershey Company took legal action against a New Jersey–based imports company called Let's Buy British. In the suit, Hershey's claimed that Let's Buy British was violating US trademark laws by importing various British chocolates.

The main issue for the company was the sale of Dairy Milk products, which Hershey's has been making their own version of since licensing the rights to the name from Cadbury in the late 80s.

The British candy contains more fat and milk than a typical Hershey's bar, but less sugar, and the US product is also only 11 percent cocoa, meaning it falls short of the 20 percent cocoa minimum required to qualify as chocolate in the UK.

The UK version of the chocolate is generally considered to taste better than the Hershey's-made US version.

Hershey's also took issue with the company importing Toffee Crisps and Yorkie Bars, as they said their packaging and names, respectively, were too similar to US products.

As a result of the legal action, Let's Buy British agreed to stop importing British-made Cadbury's products, Toffee Crisps, and Yorkies, as well as several other British candies that have US counterparts (like Kit Kats and Rolos).

Talking to the Independent, Hershey's spokesman Jeff Beckman said they intend to continue taking legal action against people they view as violating their copyright. "It's important for Hershey to protect its trademark rights and to prevent consumers from being confused or misled when they see a product name or product package that is confusingly similar to a Hershey name or trade dress," he said.

Who here is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here, if you could:

Previously: Some people freaked out because they were asked to pay for a birthday party, and some cops gave a guy a ticket for eating while driving.

Winner: The birthday party invoice people!!!

Follow Jamie "Lee Curtis" Taete on Twitter.

Gabi really took it up a notch pic.twitter.com/uRUf4T4VKs

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) February 1, 2015

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Mary Cheney wants to know why it isn't "socially acceptable" for a white person to "put on blackface and act out offensive stereotypes of African-Americans" if drags queens are allowed to imitate female stereotypes?

For no reason whatsoever, you can now watch an orange explode at a frame rate that truly captures all of the pulpy chaos.

Brought to us by Slo Mo Lab, the orange is loaded with a small firework, and the explosion is filmed at 62,000 FPS. For those who have no idea what that means, it’s OK.

Just know that the camera used to do this is very expensive, and the filmmaker protected it from the explosion with a plastic Wal-Mart bag. Please enjoy.

[link, via Gizmodo]

FOUND by Kate Thibodeaux; Portland, OR

Hi, my name is Mya. My sister and I came to a new home where I have two new sisters. I try keeping up with my bigger sisters when we run and play chase, but my little legs just won't let me keep up. I like afternoon naps, playing keep away, sweet potato cookies and getting to sleep in the big bed at night. Even though I have mastered the dual flap doggie door, I am still learning to go potty outside, but at least my mommy and daddy don't get mad at me for accidents.

The Illinois Tollway and Natural Resources Defense Council agreed on a plan to turn I-88, I-90 and I-294 into a monarch butterfly restoration program. [ more › ]

Knight's attorney said the rap impresario was behind the wheel of the truck, but called the deadly crash in Compton a "tragic accident."

I've caught a couple of episodes of CNN's Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown and I've been impressed with the show so far. In it, chef/author Anthony Bourdain travels to places off the beaten path and explores the local culture. But it's not just about food and culture as with his previous shows. In Parts Unknown, Bourdain also delves into local politics and social issues. In Iran, he spoke with journalists about their tenuous relationship with the government (and two of the journalists he spoke with were subsequently arrested). Episodes in the Congo, Myanmar, and Libya are produced with a focus on their oppressive governments, past and present. Even in the Massachusetts episode, he talks about his former heroin addiction and the current addiction of poor whites in the US. Many of the places he visits, we only hear about the leadership and bad things that happen on the news, but Bourdain meets with the locals and finds more similarities amongst cultures than differences. I'd never considered going to visit someplace like Iran, but Parts Unknown has me considering it...what a great people.

Season four recently wrapped up and they're shooting season five now. The first three seasons are currently available on Netflix and all four seasons are on Amazon. (FYI to the web team at CNN: "Unknown" is misspelled in the <title> of that page.)

Tags: Anthony Bourdain   Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown   food   Iran   travel   TV

If President Obama’s lame-duck “don’t give a fuck” attitude has been improving your outlook on life lately, then fresh from Freedom Partners’ annual winter summit comes some news that will send you crashing right back down to Frown Town. An anonymous source who attended the summit told the Washington Post that Big Energy kingpins Charles and David Koch, the richest elder vampires of the richest family of bloodsuckers in the world, have apparently committed to spending a staggering $889 million during the 2016 general election. In other words, an unparalleled stream of cash that would make Donald Trump blush.

The Kochs’ Freedom Partners is a tax-exempt organization whose board is littered with former Koch Industries officials. Its agenda is predictably libertarian, and its goal a free-market society with a government so small you can drown it in a barrel of illegally dumped chemical waste.

According to the Washington Post, it’s the “business lobby that serves as the hub of the Koch-backed political operation.” In its first year, it brought in $256 million. In the nightmarish web of Koch organizations detailed by the paper last year, it’s the green node on top:

This is the entity that will be responsible for coordinating this colossal corporate handout. One 501(c)(3) to rule them all, one 501(c)(3) to find them, one 501(c)(3) to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Just so you know, $889 million is a big ol’ chunk of change. In 2012, the total amount of money spent by super PACs on either side came to around $600 million, while total campaign costs for both sides was around $2.35 billion dollars. It would be significantly more than either political party’s campaign committees spent in 2012. If the Kochs reach this goal, they’d be closing in on the $1 billion or more total each candidate would likely spend during the entire election. The entirety of this $60,000-an-hour money spigot would be going almost entirely to Republicans. A money bomb that big would essentially constitute buying the election.

Money like this is why Republican governors and members of Congress like Chris Christie, Scott Walker and Rand Paul are flocking to the Koch brothers’ annual winter seminar, a private primary where they will be trotted around like show poodles and taken aside, Game of Thrones-style, to wander through a secret murder garden. The New York Times says the intent of the Koch money won’t be to dive into specific races but instead ensure their priorities — such as rolling back decades of regulatory law, rewriting the tax code to favor the rich even more and reversing as much of Obamacare as possible — becomes those candidates’ priorities. These well-groomed agents of Koch Industries and its many wealthy allies will, if the plan succeeds, spread their malign influence throughout the White House and Congress.

The future president may well be determined by who gives the strongest showing at the Kochs’ private beauty pageant. That person will be responsible for populating the federal government with a web of lobbyists and industry cronies that makes the Bush era seem cute. We’re talking Grant administration, or possibly Detroit in Robocop.

If Republicans retain their majority in both chambers of Congress, Americans just a few years from now could be reminiscing about the time we had unemployment under six percent and an Environmental Protection Agency. Also, global warming doesn’t exist. But say hello to your new coal-powered car! I was already cautiously pessimistic about America’s slow side into oligarchy, but it’s cool to know that the rad future world from Escape From New York can one day be a reality.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that the Kochs are doing exactly what you’d expect two ancient, immortal shapeshifters to do: bluffing lying. But thanks to the post-Citizens United landscape, it is now a virtual certainty that the U.S. election system is going to cross the $1 billion power-donor threshold eventually. So when you little people are running around dying of coal lung or or uranium brain or whatever the side effect of what Charles and David Koch are currently mining is, don’t expect your congressman to give a shit. Enjoy your tax breaks.

On the plus side, the Koch brothers are still determining whether or not they want to fund primary candidates, which means part of this swarm of money could cannibalize itself. Early polling indicates a Clinton campaign could possibly overcome this tidal change of corporate cash, and Democrats are sure to compensate by dipping even more into the pockets of the nation’s wealthy. But there’s really nowhere for the Kochs to go but up, and even $889 million might just be a benchmark a decade from now.

[Washington Post / MSNBC]

Faith No More play Concord Music Hall May 7. Tickets go on sale this week. [ more › ]

Pretend Populist and Actual Uber-Wealthy Bully Bruce Rauner is your new governor, Illinois. So all you working stiffs better take notice because your days of making reasonable compensation in consideration for your labor might be numbered. After all, the state is facing a gigantic unfunded pension liability in the neighborhood of 80 to 120 $Rauners.

Rauner, whose campaign pushed the narrative of a meager man plugging away for the people from his headquarters in the back of a Eurovan, should know a lot about Illinois’ pension situation. For years, Bruce and his ilk squeezed exorbitant management fees through government connections and by convincing pension boards that paying them millions to spin the roulette wheel was a better way to go than a $5 Drinking Bird with an E-Trade account. Rauner then skirted SEC regulations to receive campaign donations from firms handling Illinois’ pension funds.

Now Bruce gets his chance to fix the mess. Will there be some outside-the-box thinking? Possibly some changes to the nation’s 5th Most Regressive State Tax Structure? Well, if you’re talking about making Illinois even more regressive with magic tax cuts for rich people, he’s probably on board. But first he has to trot out Chapter 1 of the GOP Executive playbook and villainize his employees for working for the government instead of being venture capitalist Creators who are astute at investing in companies that outsource their labor.

At the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business, Rauner used strong rhetoric to warn salary cuts could be on the table for  state workers, arguing their salaries in Illinois were too generous.

The average? $64,000 in 2012. Rauner is attempting to build consensus for a budget that he has repeatedly emphasized will mean everyone must sacrifice.

$64,000. Per Bruce, we don’t only get to blame the pensioner with the nerve to expect deferred compensation that was promised. We can also blame the 20-year veteran of the Department of Agriculture who’s single-handedly breaking the budget and deterring outside investment by having the nerve to make enough money to send two of his three kids to college (sorry Jenny!). This is no way to earn a living. Follow Bruce into the breach, and he’ll make every Illinoisan filthy rich so we’ll all have nine houses and the ability to grease the wheels of bureaucracy to get our daughters into Chicago’s best magnet school with only a $250,000 donation and Arne Duncan’s personal intervention. We’ll all be governors!

In one of those sweet gimmicks that ungodly rich people do when they get elected to office, Rauner is taking a $1 salary. He’s so incorruptible and selfless. Also, his first act as governor was to freeze “non-essential” state spending, which makes the subsequent hiring of a $100,000 Chief of Staff for the First Lady kind of a head-scratcher.

Rauner spokesman Lance Trover laid out the duties for the new hire, saying the chief of staff “oversees the staff at the executive residence and will serve as the first lady’s liaison to the governor’s office, the Legislature, and the City of Springfield.

In addition to the essential nature of Ms. Rauner going all Mary Todd Lincoln over the Executive Mansion, it’s expected the First Lady will get to meddle in education policy. In fairness to Ms. Rauner, she has long worked with groups providing early childhood programs, though one could wonder if her continued work with an organization that gets a big chunk of its budget from state grant money is appropriate.

Her husband, on the other hand, had no qualms banking off the shady for-profit college industry and has funneled millions into state charter schools. As Rauner has relentlessly attacked unions and the greedy teachers whose pension funds his company managed for only tens of millions of dollars, tea leaves suggest that charter schools will be a big part of the governor’s “essential” agenda despite the fact that, for instance, Chicago’s burgeoning Charter School movement is a total underperforming boondoggle.

Which is perhaps why the Rauners had to pull so many strings to get their daughter into a (gasp!) unionized Public School.

[Chicago Tribune]

Currently, a 4Mbps broadband connection — barely enough to stream a single HD movie and insufficient for accessing higher-definition content or for homes with multiple simultaneous data-heavy uses — is considered “broadband” in the eyes of the Federal Communications Commission, though that should change with the FCC’s plan to redefine broadband as the significantly faster 25Mbps, which would acknowledge both the recent improvements in broadband delivery and consumers’ increased use of web-connected devices. And yet the cable industry is fighting to retain the already outdated 4Mbps standard for broadband.

In a letter letter [PDF] sent late last week to the FCC by the National Cable & Telecommunications Association — a trade group headed by former FCC Chairman Michael “Yes I’m Colin’s Son But That’s Not How I Got The Job” Powell — the cable industry argues that the Commission is going too far in trying to use the 25Mbps benchmark for broadband.

First, the NCTA warns the FCC that if it’s going to redefine broadband, that new standard should only apply to the Commission’s reports on broadband deployment; that it shouldn’t be used to determine providers’ support levels for the Connect America Fund. Doing so “would present inevitable tensions given the divergent legal standards and regulatory objectives at play,” argues NCTA.

Beyond that, the cable industry contends that the proposed 25Mbps standard is not legally tenable as it believes the law mandating periodic FCC reports on the deployment of “advanced telecommunications capability to all Americans” is intended to be a look at whether or not consumers have access to services that can support current, regular uses of broadband.

According to NCTA, the average consumer’s current broadband needs are “well below the 25 Mbps/3 Mbps threshold currently under consideration.”

The industry brushes off statements made by supporters of the redefinition, who claim that the faster speeds are needed to support delivery of 4K video content.

“[O]nly a tiny fraction of consumers use their broadband connections in this manner,” writes the NCTA, not acknowledging that many of its members were recently at CES 2015 talking up plans to bring 4K video to their customers in the coming, or that the entire television industry — from content to manufacturing — believes that 4K is an inevitability.

NCTA also claims that there is no evidence to support claims that many American households have multiple users streaming data-heavy content simultaneously — again in spite of the fact that many of its member cable providers advertise this ability to their broadband customers.

The letter points to a recent FCC report that not many people with the ability to choose a 25Mbps broadband package choose that tier of service, instead opting for less-expensive, slower packages.

“In light of these findings, the adoption of a 25 Mbps/3 Mbps benchmark would improperly substitute the speculative judgment of the Commission for the actual, demonstrated preferences of consumers in the marketplace,” writes NCTA, once more glossing over the part where some of its member companies charge prices for 25Mbps service that make it unaffordable to consumers; meaning it may not be so much a matter of people choosing slower speeds as it may be a case of consumers paying for what is in their budgets.

So why is NCTA putting up such a fuss? It’s the faint mirage of “competition” in the broadband market all but evaporates when you raise the standard for what constitutes broadband.

At the outdated 4Mbps standard, 86% of Americans have access to broadband, which would then include numerous DSL products available through landline phone providers. But when you crank up the broadband standard to 25Mbps, the number of us with the choice between multiple broadband providers drops all the way down to 37%.

With the nation’s two largest cable-TV providers trying to merge — while both claiming they don’t compete and that there is plenty of competition in the marketplace — the NCTA doesn’t want the FCC to put out a report showing how little competition there is among broadband providers providing speeds that will still be relevant in a couple of years.

[via National Journal]

laurahartrich:

alexithymia-daily:

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It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Derek Nash and Tanya Walsh

[body_image width='900' height='579' path='images/content-images/2015/01/23/' crop='images/content-images-crops/2015/01/23/' filename='cry-baby-of-the-week-123-body-image-1422044002.jpg' id='20738']

Screencaps via Google Maps and BBC

The incident: Some people were sent an invoice after they bailed at the last minute on a children's birthday party at a ski center.

The appropriate response: Apologizing and reimbursing the woman who paid for the tickets to the ski center.

The actual response: They refused to pay the party organizer any money and took their story to the local paper.

A little before Christmas, a woman named Julie Lawrence in Plymouth, England, organized a birthday party for her five-year-old son at a local ski center. Among the people she invited was the child of Derek Nash (pictured above) and his partner Tanya Walsh.

According to some Facebook correspondence published in the Plymouth Herald's extremely detailed article on the subject, a few days before the party, Lawrence called all of the people who had said they were attending to confirm that they would be able to make it. She did this because she was about to pay for tickets, which cost £15.95 ($24) per child. Nash told her that they would definitely be coming to the party.

On the day of the party, Nash, Walsh, and their son did not show up. Despite the fact that Lawrence's phone number was on the invite, they didn't contact her to let her know they wouldn't be coming. According to Nash, the reason they bailed was because they took their son to see his grandparents instead. He claims that they didn't contact Lawrence to let her know because they didn't have her phone number or email address.

A few days later, their son came home from school with an envelope in his bag. Inside the envelope was an invoice that Lawrence had written to the couple asking to be reimbursed for the cost of a ticket to the ski center.

Now, obviously, sending an invoice over this rather than calling or emailing is a gigantic dick move. But an even bigger dick move is to be a no-show at a party after someone has paid $24 for your child to be there.

Nash went to Lawrence's house and confronted her over the invoice and told her he was not going to pay.

In an interview BBC news, Nash explained why he doesn't intend to pay: "Because I was so angry, I said, 'She's not going to get a penny out of me.'"

This is not a thing. You do not get to decide that you're not paying for something that you need to pay for because you don't like the way you were asked for payment. When I bought my TV at Best Buy, the guy made fun of me for not knowing the difference between LED and plasma. He as actually kind of a dick about it. But that doesn't mean I had the right to walk out of the door without paying for my goods.

Nash also claims that Lawrence has threatened him with legal action if they refuse to pay. Fuck him. I hope she does and I hope she wins.

Cry-Baby #2: The Cobb County Police

[body_image width='951' height='663' path='images/content-images/2015/01/23/' crop='images/content-images-crops/2015/01/23/' filename='cry-baby-of-the-week-123-body-image-1422044014.jpg' id='20739']
Screencaps via WSB-TV

The incident: A man ate a cheeseburger while driving his car.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: A cop issued him a ticket for "eating while driving."

Last week, Madison Turner went to a McDonald's drive-through in Cobb County, Georgia.

Shortly after leaving the restaurant, Madison was pulled over by a cop from the Cobb County Police. According to Madison, the cop told him that he was issuing him with a ticket because he had been following him for two miles, watching him eat a cheeseburger as he drove (creepy).

"He said specifically three times, 'You can't just go down the road eating a hamburger,'" Madison told WSB-TV.

The ticket that was issued to Madison was for "distracted driving." In the comments section of the ticket, the issuing officer had written "Eating while driving."

William Head, a traffic and DUI attorney that WSB-TV spoke to said that he suspected the ticket would end up being thrown out. "If this was the law I'd have to hire more attorneys because everybody does it including me," he told the station.

"Maybe if you had a giant pizza in both hands and you weren't holding the wheel or maybe if you had a watermelon, half watermelon and you were just diving into it holding it with both hands, maybe that would be something," he added, because he apparently thinks about this sort of thing a lot.

A spokesperson for Cobb County Police declined to comment. Madison is due in court February 3.

Which of these folks is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Previously: A church who allegedly fired a woman for being unmarried vs a woman who freaked out because she thought she saw a pentagram in a brake light.

Winner: The pentagram lady!!!

Follow Jamie "Lee Curtis" Taete on Twitter.

I had a busy day yesterday because I’m getting ready to start shooting more Food Network episodes on the ranch, and by late afternoon I had a little block of time alone in the house before I had to to run Bryce to the end of our road to meet Marlboro Man, who had to run him to his out-of-town basketball game, before I had to drive the other direction to our town to pick up Todd at basketball practice, just after my girls left for soccer practice in yet another town. And by the way, I have no idea what I was thinking when the kids were all babies and toddlers and I thought life was—ahem—”busy.” Oh my word, oh my word, oh my lands. The sports. The practices. The games. The driving. The coordinating. The remembering who is where. The praying you don’t forget to pick up someone, feed someone, or make sure they have clean underwear.

(I’m pretty good at two of those last three things. I won’t say which two.)

Anyway, during this small window of free time, I was struck suddenly with a massive craving for something sweet; as in, I had to have something sweet fast or I was going to start getting anxious. And I’m not quite sure how this happened, but as I searched for the perfect treat to eat, I discovered, to paraphrase the Good Book, that my kitchen was without sweets and void, and darkness was upon the face of my pantry. I’d been so busy getting groceries ready for real meals that I’d inadvertently let the dessert stores deplete, and I decided to make a quick batch of pudding. It was either that or grab the container of Nutella and a very large spoon.

I was originally thinking Chocolate Pudding, which is really just the Chocolate Pie Filling I always make, but then I decided to make Butterscotch Pudding instead! It requires the simplest of changes: rather than white sugar, I use brown…and I leave out the chocolate. Simple as pie!

I mean pudding.

I mean here’s how to make it.

 
 
Into a medium (preferably nonstick) skillet, throw in some brown sugar…

 
 
 
Then add some cornstarch…

 
 
 
And some salt.

 
 
 
Ooooh. Look how awesomely cool I am with my brown sugar lumps!

It happens.

And when it does, don’t let it break your spirit. Just rock those brown sugar lumps like you totally planned on them being there!

Ha.

 
 
 
Now, for the liquid: in a pitcher, measure 3 cups of whole milk. Now, this is where I had a panic episode (well, as much as a person can panic about pudding, which in my case is quite profoundly) when I discovered that all the whole milk was gone and I only had 2%. I’m really batting a thousand with stocking my kitchen, aren’t I? Anyway, everything turned out fine, but just know that using whole milk is always best when you make pudding because that little bit of extra fat really sends it over the edge, creaminess-wise.

 
 
 
Into the milk goes 4 egg yolks, then just whisk it together until it’s combined.

 
 
 
Pour the milk/egg mixture into the pan…

 
 
 
Stir it together…

Oh, and I also wouldn’t fault you if you added a tiny splash of booze (scotch whiskey, bourbon, even rum would be good) to the liquid.

(Just saying.)

 
 
 
Then turn the stove to medium heat and commit the next 8 to 10 (give or take) minutes of your life to gently stirring the pudding.

 
 
 
It will take a little while for the concoction to start to heat up. In fact, it will seem like forever, especially if you’re in the mood for butterscotch pudding, which I most definitely WAS yesterday.

 
 
 
But then, out of the clear blue sky, it will get hot enough to start to bubble violently and get thick. Let it cook/bubble like this for a good 30 seconds until it reaches pudding consistency…

 
 
 
Then remove it from the stove and stir in 2 tablespoons of butter until it’s all melted.

 
 
 
Spoon it into the dishes you want to serve the pudding in: Cute little dessert glasses, demitasse cups, ramekins, small bowls…whatever you want! Then refrigerate them, covered in plastic wrap, for a good hour—two if you can wait.

(Or, who am I kidding? Just eat it warm right out of the pan.)

(Or—how about this? Make a chocolate cookie pie crust and turn this into a Butterscotch Pie.)

 
 
 
Plain, unsweetened whipped cream is always a good idea. (The pudding is plenty sweet on its own!)

 
 
 
Such a treat, whether warm or cold! (And for the record, I ate it warm. I couldn’t wait. It’s the kind of gal I am.)

Here’s the handy dandy printable!

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Thanks for sending this image in, Lisa!

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