IKEA Monkey

Earlier this week, Sports Illustrated writer Andy Benoit rightfully got into a bit of hot water by responding to a Vine of a thrilling play at the Women’s World Cup with a Tweet insisting that “not only soccer” but “women’s sports in general” are “not worth watching.” Now, this isn’t the kind of thing we’d normally cover here on your Flavorwire, because, let’s face it, a male sportswriter being a dickhead isn’t exactly newsworthy. But Benoit’s numbskull commentary (which he subsequently deleted, of course) prompted Late Night with Seth Meyers to bring back the popular Weekend Update segment “REALLY?!? With Seth and Amy,” with, yes, a surprise appearance by Amy Poehler.

Noting that Benoit’s outlet issues a yearly swimsuit issue featuring women who aren’t even athletes, “unless you think that it’s a sport to cover both boobs with one arm,” Poehler called out not only Benoit, but networks who air hours of pre-Kentucky Derby coverage over women’s sports: “You think people would rather watch someone talk about hats than watch some badass American bitches take down Colombia?”

“You wanna criticize someone for playing soccer, how about children?” Myers proposed. “Now that is boring to watch!”

But Seth and Amy are results-oriented, so they offered at least one solution. “No more tweeting, Benoit.,” Poehler instructed. “You’re too dumb.”

The New America Foundation found that twice as many people have died in attacks by right-wing groups in America than by Muslim extremists since 9/11.

Federal public defenders have been appointed to represent Dylann Roof for the shooting deaths last week at an African-American church in South Carolina.

Politico is reporting that Fox News has not renewed their contract with Governor Sarah Palin, former vice presidential candidate and, as of now, freelance pundit. That’s right. Now she could be anywhere. Check the shower. Check the closet. Does your family have a koi pond? She could be out there in hip-waders, trying to fish and shouting about liberty. Someone drain the pond.

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Saying Americans love ranch dressing is like saying humans need oxygen to live. I mean, we’re dumping that creamy condiment on everything. To see how far the obsession with the sauce has come, one only needs to look at a new restaurant opening in St. Louis.

Soon-to-open Twisted Ranch takes our fixation with ranch dressing to another level by showcasing 18 different varieties of the dip on their menu, Feast Magazine reports.

The restaurant is the result of the co-owners’ desire to open a new eatery and share their infinity for ranch dressing.

Nearly every item on the menu incorporates the condiment –– well, except the desserts –– thanks to the owners’ recently developed dry ranch mix.

The new seasoning can be found in everything from the panko bread crumbs used in toasted ravioli to the pan-seared boneless pork chops to the crust of the flatbread pizzas, Feast Magazine reports.

“We’re trying to break away from the stigma of ranch dressing, in that people hear the words and think Hidden Valley,” one of the owners says.

As for the restaurant’s 18 varieties of ranch, there’s a flavor for just about everyone’s tastes including garlic, buffalo, smoked paprika, Tzatziki, chipotle and Thai.

Twisted Ranch, St. Louis’ First Dedicated Ranch Dressing Restaurant, Opens Next Week [Feast Magazine]

Bees don't know it, but they're amazing artists

A week and a half after two killers sawed out of Clinton Correctional Facility in upstate New York, there has still been no sighting of the fugitives.

Abumbi II, the 11th fon, or king, of Bafut, Cameroon, has close to 100 wives. They weren't all his to start. According to local tradition, when a fon dies, his successor inherits all his wives and then marries his own queens.

Like a scene from a B-movie, hordes of bright red crabs have taken over San Diego's coastline from Ocean Beach to La Jolla.

A tiger that escaped from a zoo killed a man Wednesday before being fatally shot by police after four days on the run.

Rachel Dolezal’s biological brother Joshua Dolezal is facing four counts of sexual assault. He is currently free on a $15,000 bond while he awaits trial in Clear Creek County, Colorado. Her family says that the whole thing was a lie orchestrated by Rachel so that she could legally adopt her black adopted brother, who she has since passed off as her son. What.

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Donald Trump is descending from the sky on an escalator. In front of him: his wife Melania—infomercial posture, infomercial teeth, skin smooth like fresh tinfoil, wearing the distinctly impenetrable look of someone who is both bored and wearing more expensive shoes than you. Along the railing next to them: delirious women with mangled teeth shouting and looking for a camera, here for Donald Trump, here for delirium itself, men with bad haircuts, wearing jean shorts, shirts that don't fit, socks with failing elastic crumpled around their ankles.

Beneath them: cameras, phones, people sitting on the floor writing in notebooks, thick blue wires, cafeteria workers lugging giant bags of Romaine lettuce on their shoulders. Melting trays of gelato. Three-dollar bottles of water. Every blond woman who has ever lived. Guys holding shitty coffee staring and waiting for text dots. Middle-aged women with good dye jobs. Older women in polyester blazers with even better dye jobs. Tall men wearing pink ties who say things like "play ball" and "fast track" and whose handshakes last the length of a filibuster, men whose ancestors probably owned a railroad or a black person. Every human in the VIP section resembles either a derivative of Trump, the type of woman he would marry, or the silent, well-behaved spawn of a Range Rover dealership and Neiman Marcus.

"Rockin' in the Free World" is playing at high volume over the speakers, Trump is holding his hand to the crowd, then giving it a thumbs up. The escalator lowers him past a banner that reads "TRUMP MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN." Make America totally awesome. Make America rad as fuck. Make America's dick so big they'll need multiple computer monitors to see all of it when he emails it to the Chinese to ask for our money back. He walks on stage and, for a moment, bobs his head to Neil Young like it is a virus slowly infecting his brain.

You know who likes Donald Trump? Noisey.

Fraud, huckster, begrudgingly repentant racist, Nacho Cheese Dorito–dusted goiter wrapped in a full Windsor knot. Donald Trump is many indefensible things. But the motherfucker can make an entrance. On Tuesday at roughly 11:30 AM in the Trump Tower—a soulless, relentlessly garish monolith befitting its name—Trump announced that he's running for president of the United States. He said these things, too:

• "America, we don't have victories anymore."
• "I beat China all the time."
• "When do we beat Japan at anything? When was the last time you saw a Chevrolet in Tokyo?"
• "[Mexicans are] bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're sending rapists. Some of them are good people, I assume."
• "We have wounded soldiers who I love, I love, they're great."
• "I have the best golf courses in the world."
• "I have lobbyists that can produce anything for me. They're great."
• "Even our nuclear arsenal doesn't work."
• "We have a disaster, the big lie, Obamacare—you have to pay a deductible so high, you have to get hit by a tractor trailer, literally a tractor, to use it."
• "Remember the $5 billion website? Five billion we spent on a website, and to this day it doesn't work. I have so many websites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a website. It costs me $3."
• "We need somebody who can take the brand of the United States and make it great again."
• "I'm not saying China is stupid, I love China."
• "I'm proud of my net worth, I've done an amazing job."
• "I'm really rich. I'll show you in a second. I'm not saying that in a bragging way."

In the corner of the room, in the shadows, side by side, were his wife and children, immovable, arms folded, not a wrinkled or creased section of skin on a single one of them.

His speech was not a speech but a piñata smash of America, of Obama, of immigration and gun laws, pounding away until laughs or cheers came loose from the rafters. Anecdotes about the property he owns, masturbatory vendettas, convoluted revenge fantasies about automobile manufacturers, a coagulated ball of spit building in the right corner of his mouth. He said, "We need a leader who wrote The Art of the Deal" and part of you expected him to recite the Amazon URL for that book, every character, backslashes and all.

He held up a laminated single sheet of paper disclosing his financial particulars, and said, "A large accounting firm, one of the best in the world, has been working for months on this. I saw somewhere they said I had assets of $9 billion. I said, 'That's the wrong number.'" Trump is a man who lives for DOCUMENTS, definitive triumphs, *gasps* and mic drops and fat jokes about Bette Midler.

He is the idea of big, white, corporate largesse as a force field, a cock shot, a double-breasted suit and suspenders, a dare-me. He comes out for coronations, for announcements, celebrations of his own existence, breaking news, YA FIRED, ejaculating 10,000 megaliters of Donald Trump on every square inch of the American populace's timid face at all times, emerging only to acknowledge how powerful he is, how endangered you are, and how little your fate actually matters.

There are no stakes because he has never contributed to the conversation. He is making fart noises in the back of a symposium on veganism or recycling. It is a wonder that he has not proposed a reality show in which $100 bills are glued to the streets of impoverished neighborhoods, and on the back, if you win, are condo listings and a phone number. He has never heard of shame, no idea what you're talking about, I want to see shame's birth certificate, I'm just saying we've never seen it physically, how can we know that it's real?

Politicians build narratives. In Trump's, America will not make a comeback—there is no symbiosis between government and the public. This is a rescue mission and he is the guardian angel, the messiah, Santa Claus with a cigar in his mouth, dumping barrels of cash and crude oil out of a helicopter. He is president as steroid, as Popeye spinach.

"Sadly, the American dream is dead," he said Tuesday. "But if I get elected president I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before."

In the end, we are always down here, and he is always up there, and if he needs to, he'll ride the escalator to save us.

Follow John Saward on Twitter.

You may have heard that California is all out of water. Again. This is a thing that happens frequently — not because of abortion, or pagans, or Obama’s policies on Israel — but because the state is mostly a desert and does not make enough water to support California’s addiction to perfectly manicured lawns, swimming pools, and hydrated sidewalks. Gov. Jerry Brown has told Californians to stop wasting all the water, because seriously, people, there is no more left. But rich fucks, being rich fucks, don’t give a fuck. The state is not the boss of them, and they’ll waste all the water they want, because they are better than the rest of us:

Read more on Rich A-Holes Guzzling California’s Last Drops Of Water Because ‘We’re Not All Equal’…

An increasingly fashionable way to use marijuana, called 'dabbing', is dangerous and pediatricians can help warn kids, two experts argue.

Get ready for your ears to pop and your stomach to sink just watching this video of the new Boeing 787-9 Dreamliner performing a near-vertical takeoff.

The Vietnam Airlines-branded model demonstrates the passenger plane's remarkably agility with a series of graceful maneuvers in the video that the company released as a preview for the 2015 Paris Air Show.

If these aerial antics make you want to keep your feet firmly on the ground, don't worry—actual commercial flights will make use of a slightly more gradual ascent.

[h/t Quartz]

Though The Rock looks like a muscle-headed bully who could bend you into a pretzel and then steal your special lady, he’s really a super-charming and humble everyman who could bend you into a pretzel and then steal your special lady. In fact, he’s so damn likable that you’d probably put The Rock and your now-former special lady up in a suite where The Rock would perform The People’s Cunnilingus and all of his other eyebrow-raising moves on her. He’s that great of a guy.

Sound like an exaggeration? Maybe, but The Rock’s charms are so strong that he was able to knock a side mirror off a guy’s parked truck without having to pay for it because of who he is. So, you tell me where the line is.

Here’s a fun story to start your week off… I’m driving to set in my pick up truck – music blasting – I’m singing away like I’m having a one man party in my truck – then I hear a loud BANG. What the hell..? Look in my rear view and see I sideswiped another pick up that was parked in the street and destroyed the side mirror. First thing I thought was, “Aw shit.. someone’s not gonna be happy..”. I flipped a U-turn and drove back to scene. Just as I got out of my truck a guy was walking across the street to his truck. I said “Sir, is this your truck?”. He stopped and stared at me for a good 5 seconds, looked around his neighborhood, looked back at me and “Yes it is. Why?”. I said “Well, sorry to tell ya I sideswiped it and knocked the hell outta your mirror and may have done even more damage. You give me your info and I’ll leave you mine and I’ll take care of everything”. He stared at me again, cocked his head sideways and said..”Uhhh.. Are you The Rock?”. I said “Yup”. He broke out into a huge smile and said “Wow, this is gonna be an awesome story!”. I started belly laughing at that, then he started laughing and before you know it we’re both standing in the middle of the street pointing to his mirror and laughing like two ol’ crazy buddies. I checked back in with him a few days later and he refused to accept any money and said he fixed the damage himself. Want to thank Mr. Audie Bridges of Wakefield, Mass. for being so cool about the whole thing. Life is funny cause you never know who you’re gonna run into… and sure as hell never know who’s truck you’re gonna sideswipe while driving to work.

Admittedly, it’s hard to put a price on a good story. It’s not as hard to put a price on a side mirror replacement, but according to The Rock’s Instagram post, Bridges fixed it himself, so no harm and no foul.

I’ve spent my whole adult life promoting species diversity and protecting birds. In my current capacity as president and CEO of the Audubon Society, I work tirelessly to raise awareness of the habitat destruction that threatens these incredible, beautiful creatures. I love birds. I love all birds. But I’m not going to pretend this incident in my past didn’t happen, and I’m not going to try to defend my actions, either. Yes, I did it—I’m not proud of it, but I did it:

One time, a couple years ago, I punched a goose. Punched it right out of the air.

I still don’t know what came over me. Birds obviously mean the world to me, so decking a goose in mid-flight was completely out of character. It hasn’t happened since, and I certainly don’t think it ever will again. I don ...

Donald Trump announced his presidential bid Tuesday morning from Trump Plaza in Manhattan.

It's the latest summer blockbuster: A spiritual superhero armed with a pen and a prayer gears for battle against the forces of evil -- energy executives. The future of the planet hangs in the balance.

A London woman who wanted to create her own grandchild by using her deceased daughter’s eggs has been denied by a high court. The court’s reasoning: there was no way to know if the deceased would have wanted her eggs used in such a way.

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If you’re looking for a critical hit of caffeine in the morning, you should be drinking from the D20 Mug.

Designed to look like a 20-sided dice, the ceramic mug will effectively and geekily hold your favorite hot beverage.

The mug is microwave and dishwasher-safe, but please refrain from rolling it across the breakfast table. At least finish your coffee first. Available here.

[link]

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: An unnamed woman in California

[body_image width='940' height='657' path='images/content-images/2015/06/11/' crop='images/content-images-crops/2015/06/11/' filename='cry-baby-of-the-week-458-body-image-1434059958.jpg' id='65538']

Screencaps via Google Maps and NBC4

The incident: A restaurant messed up some woman's burrito order.

The appropriate response: Getting them to make you a new one.

The actual response: She pepper sprayed a bunch of people.

On Monday, a woman (who has yet to be identified) ordered a burrito at a Del Taco in Ontario, California.

According to a report on the Los Angeles CBS station, the woman's burrito was not made to her liking. This caused her to become "upset." Witnesses say the woman started shouting at the restaurant's staff before throwing a bowl and a pen at them, then storming out of the building.

When the manager of the Del Taco followed the woman outside to take note of her license plate, she reportedly took out a canister of pepper spray and started spraying the manager.

The manager then ran back inside the restaurant with the pepper-spraying woman in pursuit.

According to witnesses, the woman continued to spray the manager once she was back inside the restaurant, and then turned her attention to the customers.

"I just happened to look at her and she sprayed me and the employee in the face," a customer named Rose Keith (pictured above, holding a cloth over her eyes) told NBC Los Angeles. "I didn't know what to think, I've never had pepper spray in my face. It was terrible, it's awful."

Once she was done spraying, the woman fled the scene.

There were 14 people in the restaurant at the time of the rampage, none of whom required hospital treatment. Police have the license plate of the burrito-loving, pepper-spray-wielding woman. But, so far, no arrest has been reported.

Cry-Baby #2: John O'Connor

The incident: A former marine wore his uniform in public.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: He was confronted by two men, one of whom is a cop, who refused to leave him alone, despite being shown military ID.

Late last month, Robert Ford, a 75-year-old former marine (pictured above) was wearing his marine uniform at an art fair in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. He was passing through the fair after taking part in a wreath laying ceremony earlier that day.

Robert served six years in the marines, from 1958 to 1964. Since leaving, he has taken part in over 600 military funerals. He also helps other local veterans with denied claims with the local VA hospital.

According to Robert, a soldier who spotted him at the art fair thought he was a phony, and reported him to a cop named John O'Connor who had been standing nearby.

The detective reportedly approached Robert. "He made the comment that 'I have to investigate for stolen valor,'" Robert explained to the local ABC affiliate. "Which I thought was a little insulting."

Robert says that, despite being insulted, he let it go and told the officer, "Next year maybe you can come down to our ceremony and bring some friends."

The cop reportedly left for a moment before returning and confronting Robert again. "He demanded, practically shouting, 'Where did you go to boot camp?'" Robert said. "I realized at that point this was very strange."

This is when, Robert says, he asked the officer to leave him alone.

Then, according to Robert, the cop began addressing the crowd of people at the art fair, shouting, "He's a fake, he doesn't know where he went to boot camp."

The soldier who had originally reported Robert allegedly also joined in, pointing at him and shouting that he was a phony and had never been a marine.

Hunting down people who are "stealing valor" has become something of a hobby for many members of the military, who often post videos of themselves humiliating people who they suspect of fakery.

Robert says he produced his VA identification and showed it to the cop. "And this guy turns around to all the people to say, 'It's a fake, anybody can print those.'"

According to Robert, after this, he attempted to leave. "I moved away and I kept telling these two guys to please stay away from me," he said. "But they kept it up, they followed me. This went on for ten-fifteen minutes."

The cop's supervisor then also reportedly came to speak to Robert. "The captain told me that maybe I would just wanna leave," Robert said.

Robert refused to leave, and stayed at the art fair. But, he says, the cop who had initially confronted him spent the rest of his time there glaring at him.

Speaking of the incident to Penn Live, Robert said, "It was the most humiliating experience of my whole life."

Harrisburg Police have launched an internal investigation.

Who here is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Previously: A guy who called the cops because some people cheered at a graduation vs. a man who slashed someone's tires because she sat in his favorite seat at bingo

Winner: The graduation guy!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

But how was the sex?

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Storm-chasing photographer Kelly DeLay recently took a photo of a massive storm supercell featuring two simultaneous tornadoes.

About 30 minutes after snapping that once-in-lifetime photo, DeLay captured a shot of the same supercell with one tornado, a double rainbow, and several streaking hailstones:

That's like the everything bagel of storm photography. (via 500px iso)

Tags: Kelly DeLay   photography   weather

More than 20 years have passed since Steven Spielberg's "Jurassic Park" hit the big screen.

Sen. Mark Kirk said fellow Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham is a "bro with no ho."

For just $6 today, you can sip your drinks in style with a four pack stainless steel drinking straws. I own this exact set, and use them for everything from Coke Zero to Moscow Mules. [MIU COLOR 18/10 Stainless Steel Drink Straw, Set of 4, $6 with code XAYEHJ9H]

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