IKEA Monkey

Three days after a Texas man allegedly killed 22 people in El Paso after apparently posting a manifesto complaining of a “Hispanic invasion,” Fox News host Tucker Carlson said white supremacy is not a problem in the United States and is actually a “hoax” and a “conspiracy theory.”Carlson, who regularly spouts the same anti-immigrant “invasion” rhetoric the El Paso shooter is believed to have espoused in a racist manifesto, hit back against those who say President Trump’s rhetoric on immigration may have emboldened the suspected shooter. The Fox News star claimed it is “just a lie” to say Trump ever “endorsed white supremacy or came close to endorsing white supremacy.”Crediting the president for condemning white supremacy while addressing the recent mass shootings, Carlson not only blasted critics of the president but took it a step further and dismissed the issue of white supremacy altogether, saying “the whole thing is a lie.” “If you were to assemble a list, a hierarchy of concerns, problems this country has, where would white supremacy be on the list? Right up there with Russia probably. It’s actually not a real problem in America.”After asserting that one could fit all the white supremacists in America within a football stadium, the Fox News primetime star—who has repeatedly claimed racism is essentially a non-existent problem— then mocked the idea of white supremacy being an issue in this country.“It’s a hoax,” he declared.  “Just like the Russia hoax, it’s a conspiracy theory used to divide the country and keep a hold on power.”Moments later, during an interview with frequent guest Victor Davis Hanson, Carlson insisted he's “never met anybody—not one person—who ascribes to white supremacy.”“I don't know a single person who thinks that's a good idea,” he added. “I don't—I mean, they are making this up, and it's a talking point which they are using to help them in this election cycle, obviously, because Russia died.”The New York Times, meanwhile, recently highlighted how white extremist ideology is a major driving force in deadly mass shootings. Furthermore, the FBI said last month that the majority of domestic terrorism cases they’ve recently investigated are versions of white supremacist violence. Besides the El Paso shooting, at least a dozen people were killed over the past year in two separate synagogue attacks in Poway, California, and Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania, both of which were tied to alleged gunmen who had expressed white nationalist views online beforehand. Read more at The Daily Beast.Get our top stories in your inbox every day. Sign up now!Daily Beast Membership: Beast Inside goes deeper on the stories that matter to you. Learn more.

Galveston Police Chief Vernon L. Hale apologized to the man on behalf of the officers. The man, Donald Neely, was under arrest for trespassing.

In the wake of a mass shooting in El Paso, Texas in which a gunman killed 20 people, presidential candidate and Texan Beto O’Rourke joined a grieving community in solidarity and, rightly, told a reporter to more or less fuck off after being asked a willfully obtuse question about our white nationalist president.

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In less than a century, humans have wiped out so many of New Zealand’s land birds that it would take 50 million years to recover the number of species we have destroyed there.

To put that number in perspective: humans in their modern form have been around for about 300,000 years. Our ancestors have only been on earth for about 6 million years.

In a paper published in Current Biology, researchers used statistical modeling to estimate the rates that these land birds arrive at the island, form new species, and go extinct. These three processes determine the species on the island at any moment, but have been completely altered since humans arrived in New Zealand about 700 years ago.

The researchers projected that it would take 50 million years to return to pre-human levels and 4 million to return to pre-European levels. They also calculated that, if all the currently threatened birds went extinct, it’d take 6 million years to make up for those losses. If you expand that to include near-threatened birds, it would take 10 million years.

The time New Zealand will need to recover from the damage we’ve done—and may still do—is longer than humans have been alive.

“Islands are at the frontline of the anthropogenic extinction crisis,” the researchers wrote in the study. “A vast number of island birds have gone extinct since human colonization, and an important proportion is currently threatened with extinction.”

Island species are so unique because they’re isolated. Birds on New Zealand evolved without mixing with mainland species, so they have completely different traits. With different living conditions and different threats, islands produce some pretty crazy birds: like the kiwi, a small flightless bird, or the kakapo, a big nocturnal parrot. Both birds are only found in New Zealand—and are now threatened and endangered respectively.

Humans threaten these unique creatures by killing them directly, developing the land, and introducing competing species. While introduced species can make up for losses in numbers, they often don’t provide the same services for the environment, the study said.

“We hope the measure of future potential evolutionary time lost may help promote and guide conservation efforts in some of the world’s most unique biological assemblies,” the paper said.

DAYTON, OH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Ohio in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 27 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a…

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EL PASO, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed 20 individuals and injured 26 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was…

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Fox & Friends co-host Ainsley Earhardt claimed Friday morning that President Trump is a Rust Belt blue-collar worker, seemingly ignoring all reality. The claim came while Earhardt described how it would be interesting if Trump faced off with former Vice President Joe Biden—whom she also described in those terms—in the 2020 election.Praising the president’s Thursday night Ohio campaign rally, Earhardt said on Fox & Friends that it would be tough to defeat Trump if the “economy continues to stay strong” and he remains “strong on immigration.”‘Fox & Friends’ Host Apparently Believes McDonald’s Workers Make TipsShe continued: “It’s interesting that America is favoring either President Trump or Joe Biden depending on what party you are in,” Earhardt noted, as her co-host Steve Doocy added: “That would be a contrast.”Earhardt, who also believes McDonald’s workers make tips, continued: "They’re both Rust Belt people though. They’re both, like, blue-collar workers that have money, but blue-collar.”During his rally on Thursday, the president—who is the son of a multi-millionaire who was born and raised in New York and who famously has an apartment mansion plated in 24K gold and marble—painted himself as being from Cincinnati, telling the crowd he worked in the city for years and had “great success.” In reality, his father owned apartments in the area and sold the complex in 1972, with the younger Trump having little-to-no involvement in the property.Read more at The Daily Beast.Got a tip? Send it to The Daily Beast hereGet our top stories in your inbox every day. Sign up now!Daily Beast Membership: Beast Inside goes deeper on the stories that matter to you. Learn more.

Two men were killed and at least 10 people have been wounded since Friday night in city violence including a man and a woman who were stabbed when a 5-year-old boy was shot on the city’s South Side, Chicago police said.

In the possibly domestic-related incident involving the 5-year-old, two people...

Some people get really into knitting or gardening or crystals as a hobby during these overly long summer days, but Russian Doll’s Natasha Lyonne has apparently decided to get into directing instead. As noted by Deadline, she has just finished directing an episode of Hulu’s High Fidelity reboot/remake thing with Zoe…

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Here’s five pounds (pounds!) of Albanese Candy Gummi Bears for $11. There are 12 flavors in the bag, and they have amazing reviews. I don’t know what else to tell you except that if you don’t buy them, you’re a cop.

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LeBron James isn’t taking attention away from Bronny and his AAU teammates. He’s helping them.

Being (arguably) the greatest basketball player in the world now feels like just a small part of LeBron James’ portfolio. When he’s not with the Lakers, James has emerged as an influential Hollywood producer, a leading philanthropist, and, increasingly, one of the most visible fathers in America.

James’ oldest child, LeBron James Jr. — better known as Bronny — is about to start his high school career as a 15-year-old at Los Angeles’ Sierra Canyon this fall. Bronny entered the public eye around this time last year when he created a frenzy at every grassroots (or: “AAU”) game he played in. Dad was there for him the whole way, sitting courtside and was clearly his son’s biggest fan.

That was just the beginning of the Bronny James phenomenon. As Bronny played in a tournament this past weekend in Las Vegas, LeBron Sr. again created a stir in the gym. Like last year, the elder James jumped in a layup line with his son’s U15 team and started throwing down dunks.

Bronny was barely able to dunk this time last year — now he’s doing windmills in warmups and has no problem dunking in games. When he slammed this one in, dad started flexing.

LeBron Sr. even celebrated the best moments from Bronny’s teammates. When two of them hooked up for an alley-oop, LeBron ran onto the court, did a karate kick, lost his shoe, and retreated back to the sideline before play hit the other end. Then he ran on the court once play stopped and dapped up one of the players.

LeBron looks like he’s having the time of his life as a dad. Of course, some people have taken issue with it, saying LeBron is hunting for attention and taking it away from players on the court. What other parent is allowed to do this? We won’t link those bad takes — just take our word for it when we say they aren’t hard to find.

We have only one response.

Let LeBron and Bronny live

LeBron should be applauded for being such an active, caring father to his children. From organizing Taco Tuesdays with his family to losing himself in the moment at Bronny’s games, James seems like the type of supportive father any child would be lucky to have.

James’ own upbringing in Akron is well documented. Raised by a single mother, LeBron grew up in poverty and moved from apartment to apartment and school to school before being recognized for his generational basketball talent as he entered high school at St. Vincent-St. Mary’s. James didn’t have his father in his life as a kid, but he’s made sure to be the best father possible to his own children.

LeBron has helped boost the profiles of Bronny’s teammates

It isn’t just the #JamesGang — his children Bronny, Bryce, and Zhuri — that LeBron provides guidance and support for. He’s also taken a leading role in the lives of Bronny’s teammates, both on the Nike grassroots team he sponsors Strive for Greatness and on his other team the North Coast Blue Chips. Skyy Clark is a 16-year-old point guard and one of Bronny’s teammates. He recently talked about how involved and invested LeBron was with his team.

Clark praised LeBron for giving pep talks to the Strive For Greatness grassroots team. “We have a little group chat on Instagram, he’s always texting us,” said Clark, a top point guard in the 2022 class. “He doesn’t act super Hollywood. He bonds with us.”

While some have accused James of taking attention away from Bronny and his teammates, the truth is he’s raised the profile of every kid his son plays with. Take Gabe Cupps, a 14-year-old guard on the Blue Chips. He became a star for challenging LeBron to a shoot-off later earlier this year.

LeBron had absolutely nothing gain from shooting against a 14-year-old. He only could have been embarrassed. Instead, he made Cupps something of a viral star, helped him get a quarter million Instagram followers, and responded on his own Instagram.

I got called out by my guy and in my opinion the best shooters(he can do more too) for the Class of 2023 @gcupps23 today. Told him about a certain switch I can hit when needed and he didn’t believe me. Well he found out the hard way! . Still my guy Cupps nevertheless .

There is so much pure joy in the way LeBron interacts with Bronny and his teammates. We know LeBron is a historian of the game. He’s sharing that love with the next generation.

His support isn’t for his own self interest. It’s authentic.

Just look at how the player responded on Twitter if you’re really questioning LeBron’s motives.

LeBron is such an active father it’s almost easy to forget he’s still trying to win an NBA championship this season as he turns 35 years old.

We need more fathers as caring and involved as James, not less.

This one is a super short article about a deep sea encounter between the Nautilus research vessel and a rare piglet squid. Beautiful little one with its tentacles pointing up like a bad hair day. It “is able to regulate buoyancy with an ammonia-filled internal chamber,” which is kind of fascinating.

Jimmi Simpson has been having one hell of a run lately. When we spoke to the longtime character actor a while back for our Random Roles feature, he was just coming off the success of arguably his highest-profile role ever, as the young version of William in season one of Westworld. He’s kept busy since then, with his…

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It sure has been a heavy news day for a Saturday, so I figure we could all use a bit of a break! So instead of writing up an update on the idiocy surrounding the Straight Pride Parade, I thought it might be nice to discuss some of the less objectively depressing things in the news this week. Good? Good!

Earlier this week, Hollywood legend Faye Dunaway got fired from a Broadway-bound one woman show about Katharine Hepburn for slapping people. Which is very on-brand for Faye Dunaway. And, you know, as much as I understand why she got fired and that it is definitely bad for Faye Dunaway to go around slapping crew members... I am a little bit jealous. Because if Faye Dunaway slapped me I would immediately say "Why did you adopt me" through my teeth all creepy Christina Crawford style and it would be the most amazing moment of my life.

Mommie Dearest (1981) | (3/3) | Why Did You Adopt Me youtu.be

There would, of course, also be the option of yelling "She's my sister! She's my daughter! She's my sister! She's my daughter!" but as irresistible as that would be, it would probably be in bad taste.

And speaking of slapping people! There was a big giant fight on a cruise, stemming from some people being super mad about another passenger dressing up as a clown.

Via Telegraph:

The P&O; Cruises ship, Britannia, was enroute from Bergen, Norway, to Southampton at the end of a week-long cruise when the fight broke out during the early hours of Friday morning.[...]

One witness, part of a group involved in the trouble, explained to staff that things kicked off when another passenger appeared dressed as a clown," he wrote.

"This upset one of their party because they'd specifically booked a cruise with no fancy dress. It led to a violent confrontation."

Mr Gaisford said P&O; Cruises staff explained that they had never seen anything like it, and one witness said "there was blood everywhere".

Fighting is bad and you shouldn't beat people up even if they are dressed like a clown, but also I have some questions for the person who randomly decided to dress up as a clown for no reason? Like why they just happened to have taken an entire clown costume with them on a cruise ship? Like, was it some kind of "Oh wow, I have so much extra room in my suitcase, guess I'll put an entire clown costume in there and then wear it around the cruise ship even though no one else will be wearing a costume!" thing? I just... I have a lot of questions.

And speaking of vacations...

There is an entirely ridiculous non-political argument happening on the internet between people who are super mad about people without kids going to Disney World and people who don't care if people without kids go to Disney World.

This is all stemming from a Twitter post from about a week ago featuring a rant by an anonymous mother who was VERY UPSET about millennials without kids going to Disney World and stealing all the pretzels from her precious child.

While most people's reaction to that rant was "Boy, it seems like this lady might have overreacted a little bit," a fella named Johnny Oleksinski decided that actually she might have a point and that it is "weird" for millennials without kids to be going to Disney World, and wrote up a little op-ed in the NYPost about how they should spend their money and time on loftier things.

The usual complaint about those born between 1981 and 1996 remaining constant 12-year-olds is that the behavior amounts to self-infantilization and a lifelong immaturity that bleeds into basic decision making: getting jobs, paying bills, staying alive.

But another oft ignored problem with letting a kids brand control your adult life is the stupidity and culture ignorance it leads to. You're skipping great films such as "Booksmart" and "The Farewell" to relive second grade. And your annual (or more, God help us) trip to Disney World costs as much — and more in some cases — than a trip to Europe, South America or Canada, where you would meet people different from yourself. People for whom the only color of the wind is see-through. Fanny-pack-less people.

I will tell you, there is not a whole lot that would make me come running to the defense of Disney adults. I, too, think it's weird. At least when they take it to the point of the awful people I grew up down the street from who had Disney-themed everything. But christ! People can like more than one thing! I would imagine that most people do not swath themselves in Disney to the exclusion of everything else in the world. And if they do? Hey, as long as they're not hurting anyone, who cares? This seems more less like an opportunity for Johnny Oleksinski to say something important and more like an opportunity for him to let the whole world know that he is very fancy and worldly and would never like anything that anyone else thought was stupid, or spend his money on something anyone might deem stupid. That seems like an exhausting way to live!

Anyway, this is now your open thread! Have a nice day, and don't forget to tip your Wonkette staff on the way out!

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!

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Students at a Chicago high school were led into a room with shades drawn and door windows papered over, lit only with candles and scented by incense. They were handed flowers and told to pay attention to instructors, according to one student’s account.

Jade Thomas, an incoming sophomore at...

Fred Durst, who I initially confused with Robert Durst even though I literally once owned a Limp Bizkit CD, is once again (see below) back in the director’s chair with Fanatic, a crazed stalker-thriller starring John Travolta.

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The project contains 27 rental units, parking for 32 cars, and no affordable housing

A developer is planning an apartment building replacing the Red Apple Buffet at 3121 N. Milwaukee Avenue, near the border of Logan Square and Avondale. The all-you-can-eat Polish-American eatery closed earlier this month after three decades in the neighborhood.

In its place, developer Stanislaw Pluta wants to build a new structure designed by Chicago-based Hanna Architects. It will contain a mix of 27 two- and three-bedroom rental units, ground floor retail, and garage parking for 32 vehicles. Rents are expected to range from $2,000 to $2,500 a month.

The Milwaukee Avenue proposal isn’t seeking a zoning change from the city and therefore isn’t required to include affordable housing. The project will, however, need a minor variance to cut the parking requirement from 40 to 32 spaces. A second variance would reduce the minimum unit size in order to boost the number of apartments from 24 to 27, according to the Avondale Neighborhood Association.

At a community meeting last week, some neighbors expressed issues with the proposed rents and claimed that prices were too high for local families, reported Chicago Block Club. The development team responded by saying that the figures were “not out of line” for newer buildings in the hot North Side neighborhood.

Meanwhile, the office of 30th Ward Alderman Ariel Reboyras will continue to accept community feedback regarding the four-story proposal through July 25.

Musicians have been pairing their creative work with some kind of visual component for decades, typically just with traditional music videos, but sometimes a piece of music warrants a more complex companion piece, like Paul Thomas Anderson’s Thom Yorke collaboration on Netflix. Even rarer still are companion videos…

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Rutger Hauer, the iconic genre actor best known as Blade Runner’s poetic replicant Roy Batty, has died. Hauer’s agent, Steve Kenis, confirmed to Variety that Hauer died at his home in the Netherlands “after a short illness” and that a funeral was held on Wednesday. He was 75.

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A new study published Monday found that gun ownership is tied to domestic violence homicide in the U.S.

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On Sunday, July 21, 2019, Atlanta United played D.C. United in a battle between two of the top three teams in the Eastern Conference. With the game tied, 0-0, going into the dying minutes, Josef Martinez, the reigning MVP, managed to win a penalty for Atlanta in the 71st minute. Martinez was the designated penalty taker, and going into the game, had scored 14 of 15 penalty shots in his MLS career. He was facing Bill Hamid, a goalkeeper, who only had a total of five saved penalties in his career. The result seemed a foregone conclusion.

Martinez set the ball down, took a few steps back and waited for the whistle. When the referee signaled for him to shoot, he did his signature run-up — it starts with a side shuffle, which leads to him doing quick toe taps while crouching, before running to the ball and doing an exaggerated hop that ends with him shooting as he lands — and then surprisingly, he missed. But he didn’t just miss, he ballooned the ball over the crossbar.

The miss was such a bizarre moment for one of the best penalty-takers in the league that some began to suspect that there was something more to it than just Martinez misfiring. The suspicions turned out to be right. This is the (un)true story behind Martinez’s penalty miss.

Chapter I: Loomings

July 2002

Before Martinez was a star in MLS, he was just another kid in Valencia, Venezuela. He would play football in the streets with his friends, dreaming of playing at the highest levels and representing his country in the future. One night, his life suddenly changed.

Josef Martínez (Forward, Atlanta United): I remember it clearly. It was a cool, still night. The world seemed muted, somehow, stifled. I have my father to thank. He’d taken us well south — we lived in Valencia at the time — for a break from the city. Every evening until then had been a riot of noise. When the frogs fell silent the bats started back up, and I was still young enough to hear them then. That gift, alas, has fallen from me of late. Sometimes I still think I can, but ...

Anyway. That night. Yes. My father had heard that there was to be a meteor shower and had brought us all down to watch it. It was a gesture reflective of the sort of man my father is. He is kind, generous, wanting nothing but the best for his children. Unfortunately he was not an astronomer, and didn’t know to check the phases of the moon. I don’t know if we would have seen any meteors if the moon wasn’t full that week. But it was full and bright and — have you ever looked at the moon? I don’t mean if you’ve ever seen her, of course you have. But have you ever really looked?

Alexander Martínez (Josef’s father): Our cat had died. Run over. Josef’s mother told me to get him out of the house for a while and distract him. We drove south a ways. I made up some sh*t about meteors to keep him up at night watching for them. That way he’d be so tired he’d fall asleep. We were worried. But then he never shut up. Never. You know what eight-year-olds are like.

And then, for like two hours one night, he shut up. He was awake, but he wasn’t saying anything. Just staring. It was great.

Josef Martínez: That night I saw the moon. Not just her face, with which every child is familiar. I saw her soul, in silver radiant, drank down her scars and seams. That which men call ‘Tycho’ stared back. I was transfixed. A wondrous tide washed over me. You might call it a baptism. From that night forward, I had two loves: the first for my favorite club, the MLS’s Atlanta United. And stronger still, my affinity for the moon.

My father, good man that he is, was supportive of my interests. When I’d exhausted his knowledge of the moon, he gave me what he could so that I could learn more of her. Books upon books piled up in my room. I read between training sessions.

Do you know that Earth is the only planet of the major eight in our solar system that has one moon? One moon for Earth. One moon for me.

Alexander Martínez: The moon? He may have mentioned it once or twice. But he talked a lot, that kid. For some time, he changed his name to “Hippolytus” and started making offerings to his “forever virginal Artemis”. I didn’t pay anything he said much attention as long as he seemed like he was doing OK. Well, except for the times he pretended to be a bear.

Chapter II: Going Aboard

February 2017

After playing for Carcaras, Young Boys, and Thun (on loan), Martinez impressed enough that Serie A side, Torino, purchased him in the summer of 2014 for €3 million. Unfortunately, he only managed seven goals in his three years there, and in the winter of 2017, Torino loaned him to Atlanta United, the newest expansion team of MLS, with an option to purchase him outright at the end of the season.

Darren Eales (Atlanta United president): Josef had already proven himself on some of the biggest stages in our sport and we were confident in his ability to make a difference in MLS. That’s why Arthur [Blank, team owner] brought him here. Our confidence in him was totally repaid. Looking back, I couldn’t be prouder of that decision.

Tata Martino (Atlanta United coach): Look, I had just dealt with Lionel Messi at Barcelona and at Argentina. I just wanted to be around someone who would be nice to me. Martinez looked nice. He didn’t look like the type of person who would glare at me so hard that my ancestors apologized for making my birth possible.

Then I saw him take a penalty in training. He looked like he was a horse throwing his rider. I thought he was possessed by the ghost of Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron.

Brad Guzan (Atlanta United goalkeeper): We were in training one day. Josef took a penalty. I went the wrong way and he scored, but the coach was furious anyway. He screamed at him to knock it off with the “horsey sh*t.” I thought that was funny. The goalkeepers laughed about it for a while. I called Josef “Horsey” for a while, but I guess it just didn’t stick. Maybe I thought it was funnier than everyone else did.

Tata Martino: I said “Knock it off with the horsey sh*t, motherf***er.” Everyone heard me.

Josef Martínez: In joining my boyhood club I had achieved one of my life’s great ambitions. Having worked hard to become a professional and attract the eye of Tata and United, I was very proud. But I knew that I could not waste the privilege — for what is my career but the product of mere serendipity? Even talent, thought God-given, is a form of mere luck — and that I’d need to keep working. And besides, Atlanta and America gave me a platform to cast myself heavenward. No country but the United States has ever touched the moon.

Tata Martino: What? The moon? He never mentioned anything like that to me, no.

Darren Eales: I think I remember overhearing him tell Miguel Almirón that he thought that Buzz Aldrin was a great American, which I thought was a little strange coming from a kid from Venezuela. But it’s not really that strange, is it? Buzz Aldrin is a great American. I used to say his catchphrase all the time when I was young: “To infinity, and beyond!”

Josef Martínez: The men of Apollo 11 were the bravest of the brave, the last great explorers mankind has produced. They brought life to an entire world! When I saw the moon as a child, she was alive and she was in a deep slumber. It was the Apollo missions which stirred her. I knew I’d soon be on the national stage. (Was that arrogant to think? Perhaps, but is humility in the face of one’s undeniable skill not a lie, and a monstrous one at that?) I began to devise some sort of tribute.

Tata Martino: I banned him from taking penalties like that. Josef was still the designated taker, but I told him that if he tried that sh*t in a real game, I would send him to work on the Transcontinental Railroad, like they did Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. And Miguel Almirón would take over as the penalty-taker.

Josef Martínez: I knew that if I scored enough goals in the MLS Coach Martino would get off my back. So I did.

Brad Guzan: Sometimes I still call him “Horsey,” but he never seems to hear me.

Chapter III: His Mark

July 2019

On July 20, 2019, the world celebrated the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. The Atlanta versus D.C. United game was the day after, and though Martinez was disappointed not to play on the exact day of the 50th anniversary, he was intent on commemorating the Apollo mission in his own way.

Josef Martínez: When the schedule came out I was devastated. I had been hoping all along to be on television on July 20th, 2019. It felt as though I had been kicked in the teeth by a horse.

Ben Olsen (D.C. United coach): We knew it was going to be a tough game, especially without Wayne [Rooney]. I didn’t want to let him go, but my medical team said that the little injuries were piling up to the point where I’d either have to rest him or but him at serious risk. I couldn’t afford to do that.

Wayne Rooney (D.C. United forward): Wayne! Wayne wayne wayne way-way-way wayne. Waaaaayne! Wayne wayne.

Wayne.

Russell Canouse (D.C. United midfielder): We were there to defend and counter. Without Wayne we knew we had to play it close and tight and not make mistakes. Which is why I felt like such an asshole when I fouled him.

Frank de Boer (Atlanta United manager): Josef’s penalty technique is terrible. It’d be all right once, when you can expect to confuse the goalkeeper, but they know it’s coming all they have to do is ... basically what [Bill] Hamid did. Stay tall and wait him out.

Bill Hamid (D.C. United goalkeeper): I just stood tall and waited him out. Once he does that big hop he basically can’t re-adjust, so as long as you can react to whatever happens you’re in good shape. It spooked him so badly he mis-hit it over the bar.

Darlington Nagbe (Atlanta United midfielder): People think we used to suck because Frank was a bad coach, but it was actually because the first time he saw that penalty run-up, he was so mad that he popped a f*cking blood vessel. It was insane. They had to get his brother Ronald to coach us while he was in the hospital.

Frank de Boer: Do I have a problem with his penalty style? Yeah. But my doctor said speaking about it isn’t good for my rage.

Josef Martínez: I had worked so hard to get to where I was. At that time. At that place. Fifty years prior, men were on the surface of the moon at Tranquility Base. When I stepped up to the spot I imagined Neil Armstrong staring down at me. I’m sure he’s up there in spirit, and I’m sure he saw what I did.

Missing a penalty on purpose is the sort of thing you’ll get sanctioned for. But having a ridiculous run-up which everyone thinks will someday result into you hitting a penalty to the moon? Nobody asked questions.

Wayne Rooney: Wayne wayne. (Sadly) Wayne.

Josef Martínez: Obviously, you cannot kick a soccer ball to the moon. It’s impossible. Impossible. But as a metaphor, it works. It’s aspirational, evocative. A tribute to both of the two great loves of my life. I knew that the ‘miss’ wouldn’t matter to the result.

Frank de Boer: Had he not scored after that miss to win us the game ... I don’t even want to think of the things I would have done to him.

Russell Canouse: I felt so relieved when he missed that. We’d worked real hard for that away point and at the time it looked as though we’d really get it. We deserved more than those late goals. That sucked, man.

Frank de Boer: Why do you keep asking me about the moon? Get out of my office.

Darlington Nagbe: He never said sh*t about the moon to me until after that game and since that’s all he ever talks about. He’s being so weird about that miss. It’s like when you f*ck up a pass and pretend to be injured, except he’s doing it with his whole brain or something. It’s the moon. Who gives a sh*t?

Josef Martínez: Darlington said that? Unfortunate. Does he not even care that the moon was once a ball of magma? That some the dark patches on its near-side are sites of its former lava seas? Mare Vaporum, Mare Marginis, Mare Crisium, Mare Australe. What about the fact that the moon’s gravitational pull is the cause of the rise and fall of Earth’s ocean tides? What about its pull on my heart? Why doesn’t he care about my heart?

Brad Guzan: It was all right in the end. We got the win. Horsey got his goal. No harm done.

Josef Martínez: In the end, I think Neil liked it.

From Outside magazine, an article on what your body goes through and what it feels like to die from heat stroke. A perhaps unnecessary note: this gets intense and a little graphic.

There are two kinds of heatstroke: classic and exertional. Classic heatstroke hits the very young, the elderly, the overweight, and people suffering from chronic conditions like uncontrolled diabetes, hypertension, and cardiovascular disease. Alcohol and certain medications (diuretics, tricyclic antidepressants, antipsychotics, and some cold and allergy remedies) can increase susceptibility as well. Classic heatstroke can strike in the quiet of upper-floor apartments with no air-conditioning.

Exertional heatstroke, on the other hand, pounces on the young and fit. Exercise drastically accelerates temperature rise. Marathon runners, cyclists, and other athletes sometimes push into what used to be known as the fever of exercise and is now called exercise-induced hyperthermia, where internal temperatures typically hit 100 to 104 degrees. Usually, there’s no lasting damage. But as body temperature climbs higher, the physiological response becomes more dramatic and the complications more profound. The higher temperature can ultimately trigger a cascading disaster of events as the metabolism, like a runaway nuclear reactor, races so fast and so hot that the body can’t cool itself down. A person careens toward organ failure, brain damage, and death.

It’s a sequel of sorts to this piece about what it feels like to freeze to death, which I vividly remember reading many years ago.

At 85 degrees, those freezing to death, in a strange, anguished paroxysm, often rip off their clothes. This phenomenon, known as paradoxical undressing, is common enough that urban hypothermia victims are sometimes initially diagnosed as victims of sexual assault. Though researchers are uncertain of the cause, the most logical explanation is that shortly before loss of consciousness, the constricted blood vessels near the body’s surface suddenly dilate and produce a sensation of extreme heat against the skin.

With moviegoers currently enjoying the folk-horror frights of Midsommar and remembering the found-footage scares of The Blair Witch Project on its 20th anniversary, we’re asking:

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Sad news for members of the Nine-Nine family today, as Entertainment Weekly reports that Stewart, the 13-year-old corgi who played Captain Holt’s dog Cheddar in most of his appearances on the show, has died. Stewart’s owner/trainer released the news on Instagram today, including details of the dog’s last day, which…

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