Ben.paddon

(Our tutor is a Bible-thumping bigot in an all-girls school. She’s just caught two friends of mine making out when she came early to register us and is laying into them. Unbeknownst to the couple, we’ve laid plans for such an event.)

Tutor: “This is a disgrace! It’s an abomination, a sin!”

Friend #1: “It’s none of your business what we do!”

Friend #2: “It’s not against any rules!”

Tutor: “It’s against God’s Law! Leviticus—”

Friend #3: “AND I’m gonna stop ya right there.” *grins* “You’ve got a tattoo. Leviticus 19:28, among others.”

Tutor: “That’s not—”

Friend #4: “Not to mention Timothy 2:9, saying not to wear gold and pearls.” *gestures to tutor’s jewelry*

Tutor: “Well that’s—”

Friend #5: “Oh, and Leviticus 19:19; no clothes of blended fibers which we all know you’re wearing.”

Friend #6: “Are you planning on killing me because I don’t share your faith? I’m Hindu. Deuteronomy, 13:6-10.”

Friend #7: “What about—”

Tutor: “Shut up! SHUT UP!”

Me: “Didn’t your God have some pretty strict rules regarding who was allowed to start throwing stones?”

Tutor: *furious* “GOD D*** IT!”

Me: “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in—”

Tutor: “JUST SHUT UP!”

(It is Mother’s Day, and my mother has had a hard and disappointing day. Due to a failed dinner by her husband, I take her to a fast-food restaurant at about 9pm. She starts speaking at the counter.)

Mom: “Happy Mother’s Day to me, at [fast food restaurant] at nine at night.”

Cashier: “Yeah, I’ve been here all day.”

Mom: “Oh, really!? Wow.”

(We finish ordering and eat our food. As we are leaving, my mother is staring into the kitchen. The cashier, thinking we need something, comes over. We wave her away. We get into the car, but my mother stops me from starting the engine.)

Mom: “I have decided we should do something for the woman in there. Here I was complaining, while they have been working all day. They probably weren’t able to spend time with their families.”

(We drive to the nearby store. She buys two bouquets of flowers, and two boxes of chocolates. We go back to the restaurant. My mom approaches the cashier.)

Mom: “You’re a mother, aren’t you?”

Cashier: “Yes, I am.”

Mom: “Well, I thought you deserved these.”

(Mom gives the woman the flowers and chocolates. The cashier thanks her repeatedly, looking on the verge of tears. My mother leaves feeling a lot better. Even though her day wasn’t what she had hoped it would be, she at least got to make someone else’s better.)

Atheist Shoes ("a cadre of shoemakers and artists in Berlin who hand-make ridiculously comfortable, Bauhaus-inspired shoes for people who don't believe in god(s)") noticed that a disproportionate number of their shipments to the USA were delayed or lost. A customer suggested this may be because USPS workers were taking offense at the ATHEIST packing tape they used to seal the boxes. So the company tried an A/B split, and found that boxes emblazoned with ATHEIST tape were 10 times more likely to go missing in the USPS and took an average of three days longer than their generic equivalents. They've stopped using the ATHEIST packing tape.

ATHEIST / USPS Discrimination Against Atheism? (Thanks, Alice!)

Here's TammieRD's compilation of all the alternate endings to the Animaniacs theme song, each better than the last. As I mentioned before the complete seasons 1-3 DVDs are a huge hit around our house. Really some of the best kids' (and grownups') TV of the last century.

Animaniacs alternate theme song lyrical endings (Thanks, Fipi Lele!)