Shared posts

20 Mar 15:15

Is Libya’s Government Losing Control?

by Patrick Appel
Steve Dyer

ROBBY YOU WERE RIGHT IT WAS NORTH KOREAN

by Patrick Appel

Bombing in Libya

The Guardian worries about the situation:

There can be few better symbols of Libya‘s post-Gaddafi trauma than the plight of the oil tanker Morning Glory. On 11 March, the North Korea-registered ship slipped out of the Libyan port of Es Sider during a storm and headed out into the Mediterranean. It was under the command of a group of rebels from Libya’s most oil-rich region, Cyrenaica, who intended to sell its £20m cargo of crude to help fund an autonomous government.

The Libyan navy, whose capital ships are mostly at the bottom of the sea following Nato’s 2011 air campaign, was unable to stop it, as was the air force, which was in a state of near-mutiny. After Morning Glory had shouldered its way out into international waters, the Islamist-dominated Congress in Tripoli sacked the country’s long-suffering prime minister, Ali Zeidan, with whom it had been at loggerheads, and he fled to Germany. On Monday, US navy Seals seized control of the Morning Glory near Cyprus, and began to sail it back to a Tripoli-controlled port.

Christian Caryl weighs in:

Libya is in urgent need of help.

The post-Qaddafi government, chosen by the people in free and fair elections, is struggling to survive challenges to its power from myriad armed militias, Islamist death squads, and regional separatists. All of these forces share an interest in keeping the central government destabilized and weak. None of them wants to see democracy succeed. So even though it can genuinely claim a genuine democratic mandate, the government’s writ is shrinking by the day.

Recently, the biggest challenge to the central government’s authority has come from so-called “federalists,” armed groups who are demanding far-reaching autonomy for Cyrenaica, Libya’s easternmost region. The federalists, led by Ibrahim Jathran, don’t seem to be especially interested in negotiating with the government in Tripoli; instead they’ve tried to blackmail it into accepting their demands by seizing oil installations in the region and declaring that they’re going to sell off the resources under their control.

Wayne White thinks ”it’s time for Western and Arab governments that came together to support Muammar Qadhafi’s overthrow so robustly to make a strenuous effort to help salvage the mess that has developed since”:

Of concern to the international community is that as long as so much of the country remains beyond central authority, a large amount of arms from Qadhafi’s former arsenals will continue flowing across Libya’s borders.  A panel of UN experts recently submitted a 97-page report to the Security Council stating that Libya has “become a primary source of illicit weapons.” The panel is investigating alleged shipments to 14 countries. A number of its findings relate to attempts to transfer particularly dangerous shoulder-fired surface-to-air missiles. One such shipment, stopped by Lebanon, was bound for Syrian rebels.

Moreover, especially lawless portions of Libya like the desert southwest and some areas in the east adjacent to Egypt serve as safe havens for Islamic extremist elements staging from Libyan territory into neighboring states or assisting foreign jihadists. This has been true of al-Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb (IQIM) elements lunging into Algeria and Mali, other groups supplying munitions to militant elements in Egypt following the suppression of the Muslim Brotherhood, and shipments into Tunisia aiding terrorist cells there.

Meanwhile, Raphael Cohen and Gabriel Scheinmann tally the costs of America’s intervention in the country:

The President may have billed the war as less costly than a fortnight in Iraq—approximately $1.65 billion with no American lives lost—but the total cost of the war and its aftermath is far higher. First, Libyan oil and gas production, which accounts for 96% of total government revenue, remains far below pre-war levels. Having produced on average 1.65 million barrels per day (bpd) of high-quality light, sweet crude oil before the war, Libya’s oil production today is at 230,000 bpd as militias and protests over revenue distribution have wreaked havoc on the energy industry. Just last week, after being ousted for failing to stop the independent export of oil by Eastern rebels, Libyan prime minister Ali Zeidan fled, seeking refuge in Europe. Second, without an effective means of securing Gaddafi’s fifteen to twenty thousand Soviet-era MANPADS, many of these weapons have found their way into other regional conflicts. They are likely responsible for the downing of an Egyptian military helicopter in the Sinai and have been used by militant groups across the region. More broadly, Libyan-trained extremists have found their way into conflicts from Syria to Mali.

(Photo: Wreckage from a car bomb that killed at least 8 and injured many others in Benghazi, Libya on March 17, 2014. By Mohammed Elshaiky/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images)

20 Mar 14:06

radthai: nooty got da booty

by sleep
Steve Dyer

Like I said, super into noot lately



radthai:

nooty got da booty

20 Mar 02:58

jamminjimi: athousandwords-forlove: zooeydeschannoying: helga...

by sleep


jamminjimi:

athousandwords-forlove:

zooeydeschannoying:

helga just said that arnold makes her pussy quiver

i will never not laugh at this post

the thirst was real

19 Mar 19:30

pretty-pony-princess: YEAH I BET YOU REGRET BUILDING THAT HUGE...

by sleep


pretty-pony-princess:

YEAH I BET YOU REGRET BUILDING THAT HUGE ASS CHANDELIER NOW DON’T YOU? YOU JUST HAD TO GO THAT EXTRA FUCKING MILE DIDN’T YOU ELSA?

19 Mar 17:54

Yoga Pants Prankster Catches Gazing Straight Dudes Off Guard: VIDEO

by Kyler Geoffroy
Steve Dyer

delightful

Screen Shot 2014-03-19 at 10.48.22 AM

Using a pink hoodie, tight yoga pants, and a female friend, YouTube user Youseff Erakat has released a second prank video of catching unsuspecting straight dudes off guard as they longingly stare at his rather impressive behind.

Erakat’s original yoga pants video was both a prank and a commentary on the unwanted male gaze that women are frequently subjected to in public. This time around, Erakat seems to be more aggressively courting reactions, with his friend asking passers-by “Whose butt is bigger?"

Find out, AFTER THE JUMP

   

19 Mar 12:42

Photo

Steve Dyer

stealing your gig, robby



18 Mar 21:02

The Best and Worst Experiences an Acquaintance Had With OKCupid Dates

by Nicole Cliffe
Steve Dyer

Cherv, is this what your gchat was about this afternoon? Did you write this?

url-4One of the nice things about going back to where all your friends live is hearing dating horror stories, is it not? The two following dates were related to me in a hushed tone, and it is my great honour to share them with you. Your own terrible dating stories can find a home in the comments.

Let me begin this narrative as it was first told to me:

I had eight OKCupid dates last week. Let me tell you the best, and then the worst.

*

We had a nice time. Stayed for a third drink. He was cute, seemed cool.

“How old are you?” he asked me, just before the waitress returned with the check.

“31,” I said, and smiled.

His hand snaked out and patted my belly.

“We’re going to have to put a baby in there pretty quickly then, huh.”

*

Large_Siamese_cat_tosses_a_mouseIt was cold, I got to the bar about five minutes early, sat down and ordered a beer.

About fifteen minutes later, I got a text:

Where r u?

At the bar.

He came in, irritated.

Most girls would wait outside.”

We made a few minutes of small talk.

“So, I’ve got a cat,” he said. “But I think he’s gay.”

“Hm?” I said, non-committally.

“In the morning, when I get up to pee-pee, sometimes I’m pretty hard, and I’m also, you know, hung.”

“…”

“And he sort of bats at it, like this.”

(makes cupped palm swatting gesture)

“But he’s declawed, so I’m still, you know, intact?”

Our drinks were charged to the credit card I had put down when I arrived. He did not reimburse me for his.

*

Read more The Best and Worst Experiences an Acquaintance Had With OKCupid Dates at The Toast.

18 Mar 18:18

Photo

Steve Dyer

WELCOME TO TOR DAN CASEY



18 Mar 03:19

greekgosh: don’t send nudes send noots

by sleep
Steve Dyer

getting really into noots lately.

greekgosh:

don’t send nudes send noots

image

17 Mar 17:57

Hey Ladies: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

by Michelle Markowitz and Caroline Moss

11404794_galMost recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Love is in the Air. The ladies waived their fee as a Saint Patrick’s Day gift to The Toast. We are very grateful…we think?

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: March 4, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

Hey ladies,

I’ve taken myself to theme out the next holiday (St. Patty’s!) for our crew. I just realized with the exception of Jen, all of us are single and nowhere near getting married (but also, you never know!), so why not use this time in our lives to go big and never go home.

Mingling in March = our St. Patty’s. It’ll be like college again except the guys we end up sleeping with may actually be able to afford to take us out for brunch in the morning.

I want to #tbt this entire holiday so that means partying like it’s 2002!

Places we can go:

- Hoboken (NJ but cute meathead guys)

- Murray Hill (no explanation needed)

- UES (younger dudes just out of college, hot)

Acceptable outfits:

- Anything green

- Cute makeup

- HAIR

- Shamrock stickers?

- Wristlets (coach???)

I think it will be so fun. Ugh, you girls keep me so young LOL.

ALSO did we want to talk about doing a weekend at Jen’s husband’s parent’s beach house in Boca??? Jen is that still an option??? Let me know if you want me to text your in-laws. What are their names again?

xx,

katie <3

“I know who I am. And after all these years, there’s a victory in that.”  - True Detective

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Katie
From: Jen
Date: March 4, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

Hi Ladies!

You all are so cute! Normally Dave and Margie would l-o-v-e to have you ladies out to their place in Boca, but unforch they just closed it up for the winter reno! From what I hear, it’s a TOTAL disaster already — apparently importing the original beams from the pub in Margie’s ancestral village in Ireland is a complete nightmare in terms of shipping! So stressful.

BUT BIG NEWS! (deep breath!)

Brad and I are gonna start trying…to buy a condo! I’m really trying to not get my hopes up, but I am just so ready!! I can’t wait till you girls are married and you’ll have the benefit of all my experience, but for now I am so, so super booked up with open houses and meeting with condo boards and designers. Obviously it’s so tough to find a Manhattan apartment with a kitchen big enough to fit all our KitchenAid mixers!

Anyway, let me know the plans, but no promises lol!

xoxo.

Jen!

“Stop saying OK! That’s so annoying!” – Andi, The Bachelor

“I don’t have to listen to anything you have to say” – Justin Bieber, his deposition

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Katie
From: Nicole
Date: March 5, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

I love St. Pattys!!! I vote for UES or Murray Hill! I could never date a guy who lives in Hoboken LOL. My parents met on St. Patrick’s Day (or was it Purim??) and I have a good feeling about this one!

Irish guys are sooo adorbs! I LOVE the accent and how they bottle their feelings inside, sooo cute!

What if we wore wifebeaters with green bras?? I LOVE Shamrock shakes!!! IAMSOEXCITEDICANTEVEN

x o x

Nicole

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Katie

From: Ali
Date: March 5, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

Hi Ladies!

Miss you girls like woah! I vote for a darty (noun: daytime party). Should I text the Josh’s? I think we should all do matching “Kiss Me I’m Irish” tanks. So cute and it will make us stand out!

Sorry I’ve been so crazed :/ I’ve been thinking about applying to MBA programs, and that’s taken up a lot of my time. Part of me is thinking about Wharton (IVANKA!), then the other part is thinking I should just apply to Vanderbilt so I can have that Southern Sweet Home Alabama experience. Or Princeton to meet my husband like that WSJ article recommended? So tough. In any case, I wouldn’t leave till fall of ’15 at the earliest, so we could have a full year to do it up and wish me a bon voyage!!

But St. Paddys. I’m down for wherevs– I saw Mike RSVP’d to some party on facebook, should we all show up to that one? Looked fun! Ugh but I also saw he retweeted the Ellen selfie, so I’m kinda turned off by him too :(

besos.

Ali

“I can’t be a woman and a girlfriend and a gallerist and an electronic musician all at once. It’s just too many things.” – Soo Jin, Girls

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Katie; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: March 6, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

Ali,

Do you subscribe to the WSJ? Tried to read but was paywalled??? (?????)

If you have a login can I borrow? Thought that piece looked interesting…….

Nicole

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Katie; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: March 6, 2014

Love you Nicole, but I’ve already shared my HBO Go and Netflix with you and I feel like I’m enabling your life choices now.

xx, Ali <3

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: March 6, 2014

OOOO i love dartying! reminds me of college and then i can sober up and like have a productive sunday! so adult.

I still think we should try hoboken to be more cultured? i dont think ive ever been to nj and st. p’s is like their big holiday.

it’s like how times square does new year’s minus the adult diapers and being sober.

also i don’t think we should go to mike’s but that’s just me????????

xo katie

(ps can we agree on shirts/shamrock stickers sooner rather than later?)

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Jen
Date: March 7, 2014

Hi ladies!

UGHHHH breaks my heart to say it but I think I’m out of this one…

Brad and I are going to my in-laws and to Home Goods :) we got a zipcar :)

have so much fun!! ugh when did I turn into such a married old hag! HA!

<3

jen

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: March 7, 2014

Ladies,

I feel like we’re not really acting like we want to even go out on St Patrick’s and/or hang out with each other. Is everyone okay? It’s nearly Spring so no one can blame this on seasonal depression. Plus we just moved the clocks forward.

I don’t want to feel snubbed. Is anyone mad at me? I just wanna be mature about this.

Katie

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Katie; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Caitlin Nicole
From: Ali
Date: March 7, 2014

Katie– I think this is a GREAT idea. We love you! I didn’t write back right away cause I got sucked into a vortex of Upworthy!

Ok, Hoboken would be fun, cause ADVENTURE. Let’s do it!!!! Let’s branch out and try something new! Does anyone if there’s a Brother Jimmys in Hoboken??

Logistics:

There’s either a bus from Port Authority leaving at 1:07, 1:12, or 1:18. Personally I think we should take the 1:07, but speak now ladies if another time works better.

Everyone please buy the “Kiss Me I’m Irish” tank at Forever 21. It is the one with BLACK lettering (NOT silver!!!!!). Please get the BLACK lettering or this won’t work!! The Forever 21 on 34th Street has 7 tanks left, so I STRONGLY recommend you stop by TONIGHT. (They close at 9p). The tank is on the second floor right next to the “my boyfriend can beat your boyfriend up” sweatshirts. PLEASE text me after you bought the tank!!

I will have shamrock stickers! I bought them myself– if you want you can pay me back, but it’s only like .75/per person, so you can just buy me a drink instead!

xo! Ali

“I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty!” – Kristen, Real Housewives of NYC

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Ali; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Caitlin; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: March 7, 2014

Ali (and ladies),

lol Upworthy is sooo basic (everyone on Twitter only tweets it ironically) but also any reasoning behind black not silver lettering????? seems goth??????????

LMK quickly i’m going to see if i can get to F21 or like, send a task rabbit

Katie

To: Jen; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Ali; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Caitlin; Katie
From: Nicole
Date: March 8, 2014

I already have a Kiss Me I’m Irish tee shirt can I just cut it into a tank? I think I can find a How-To on YouTube.

<3

Nic

Read more Hey Ladies: St. Patrick’s Day Edition at The Toast.

14 Mar 18:34

'Louie' Season 4 Premieres May 5th

by Bradford Evans
Steve Dyer

CINCO DE AWESOME

by Bradford Evans

FX announced today that Louis C.K.'s show Louie will premiere its fourth season on Monday, May 5th, at 10pm. The show will air back-to-back new episodes in that timeslot for the entire season, finishing its run in June. FX had ordered 13 episodes of the new season, but Louis C.K. delivered 14.

Louis C.K. took the show on a self-imposed hiatus after its third season ended in September of 2012, leaving a big 19-month gap between seasons. Season 4 was supposed to debut in summer of 2013, but C.K. had it pushed back, explaining:

I want season four to go somewhere new … I'm looking back to when I did the first season and the time I took to do the show and decide which directions to go in and I want that back again. I want a little breathing room … The last three seasons have been a surge of fun stories and it's been great to share all the stuff and I want the show to keep getting better. That's my goal, and I don't want it to be making the donuts, I want it to be something that comes from somewhere important and stays funny … I used to shoot, promote and edit all at the same time in June and I think I can do better work if I spread things out.

During his hiatus, Louis C.K. co-created an FX pilot with Zach Galifianakis that will star Galifianakis, signed a multi-year development deal with HBO to develop and create shows, filmed and released his new standup hour Oh My God, hosted SNL for the first time, self-released his 1998 indie movie Tomorrow Night, and filmed a supporting role in American Hustle. He returns to SNL for the second time on March 29th.

Details are scant on the new season of Louie beyond the fact that it will be 14 episodes, but if it's anything like last season, it'll be full of high-profile guest stars and surprises. Louis C.K. told Jerry Seinfeld on his recent episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee that he intends to end Louie after seven or eight seasons and that he brought on some writers this season, including Steven Wright. C.K. explained, "I took on a couple of new people to try. They, like, sit on my couch while I write, and it's somebody to talk to and this time I used Steven Wright … When I grew up in Boston, when I started doing standup, he was everybody's hero."

0 Comments
13 Mar 20:31

Key and Peele: Exclusion in Comedy Is the Same as Bullying

by Megh Wright
Steve Dyer

heroesss

by Megh Wright

"To not make fun of something is, we believe, itself a form of bullying. When a humorist makes the conscious decision to exclude a group from derision, isn’t he or she implying that the members of that group are not capable of self-reflection? Or don’t possess the mental faculties to recognize the nuances of satire? A group that’s excluded never gets the opportunity to join in the greater human conversation."

- Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele in a new piece for Time magazine, in which they explain their role as comedians at a time when political correctness has become another form of bullying.

0 Comments
13 Mar 20:31

Beyoncé’s Videography (2002-2013)

by coastingonpluto
Steve Dyer

This is an insane amount of videos when you think about it.

















Beyoncé’s Videography (2002-2013)

13 Mar 17:02

Photo

by lion


13 Mar 16:16

Photo

by sleep
Steve Dyer

literally iconic i get so excited every time i get reminded of this



13 Mar 16:14

Are we going to forget that this happened?

by sleep
Steve Dyer

oh my god











Are we going to forget that this happened?

13 Mar 13:37

natashavc: This video is everything. Honestly it’s everything...

Steve Dyer

I hit share at 1:28



natashavc:

This video is everything. Honestly it’s everything and your life is garbage if you don’t watch it. 

12 Mar 04:59

Photo

Steve Dyer

STUDY UP BITCHES or something





















10 Mar 21:46

You Are What You Tweet

by Elon Green
by Elon Green

Are you what you tweet? Let's say yes. Using Tweetails, we obtained the data of most-used words for different Twitter accounts. Some groupings began to suggest themselves. Certainly, some unflattering self-portraits emerged.




Sir Mix-A-Lot

Justin Bieber








Tina Brown

Nick Denton







Nicki Minaj

Mia Farrow







John Cusack

Ezra Klein







Mark Halperin

Ben Smith

Donald Trump

Erick Erickson

Jeffrey Goldberg







Michelle Malkin

Rebecca Traister







Tyra Banks

Desus







Ted Nugent

Stephen King







Sam Biddle

Jack Dorsey







Sarah Silverman

Andy Richter





Elon Green is a contributing editor to Longform.

6 Comments

The post You Are What You Tweet appeared first on The Awl.

07 Mar 18:52

The Currency Conundrum In Caracas

by Andrew Sullivan
Steve Dyer

I love the second pull quote here.

Francisco Toro connects Venezuela’s chronic shortages of basic goods to its “deliriously dysfunctional currency exchange control system”:

Unlike a normal country, where you can trade U.S. dollars with local currency at whatever price the market will bear, the Venezuelan bolivar is fixed at 6.30 per dollar, and sold discretionally, only to those the government deems worthy. This worthiness is established on the basis of an enormously cumbersome and corruption-prone administrative process.

The real problem isn’t the red tape, though. The real problem is that 6 bolivars and 30 cents is an insanely low price for a U.S. dollar. Venezuelans will gladly pay 85 bolivars for a dollar, even though doing so is technically a crime punishable by up to 6 years in prison.

Having two prices for the dollar makes figuring out what things cost in Caracas something of a philosophical imponderable.

In another post, Toro explains how far one US dollar can go in the black market:

First, take your crisp new dollar bill to a black market currency dealer and buy yourself Bs.85.

Did you make sure to get travel insurance before you trip? Good. Now go to a doctor and buy yourself Bs.85 worth of medical attention. Any pretext will do. Don’t forget to get a receipt, though: your insurance company back home will reimburse your 85 bolivar claim at the official rate, giving you back $1 for every 6 bolivars and 30 cents you spent. So after one doctor’s visit, your $1 has already turned into $13.50. Not too bad.

But we’re just getting going here. Needless to say your next step is to take your $13.50 right back to the currency tout and buy yourself 1,150 bolivars.

Next, take your 1,150 bolivars to any reputable Caracas jeweller. There, you can get about 5.7 grams of 18-karat gold for that. As it turns out, back stateside those 5.7 grams of gold are worth $182.29. Your Caracas black market dollar dealer will be expecting your call by now: the $182.29 you netted for the gold buys you 15,495 bolivars.

This is fun, isn’t it?

07 Mar 14:59

Animal Rescue Questionnaire: Are You Good Enough To Save This Dog?

by Mallory Ortberg

animal rescueIt is our policy to make certain that each household who adopts* an animal* is aware of the responsibilities of pet* guardianship, and is both capable of and willing to accept those moral, physical, financial, and spiritual responsibilities. Not everyone who is willing and capable and able and ready to adopt a dog should do so. Becoming a pet guardian should not make you happy. If you are interested in becoming a pet guardian in order to experience the human emotion of “love” or “fulfillment,” you are not fit to be one. Please do not become a pet guardian because you see yourself as some sort of human savior who will “rescue” an animal from an “abusive or neglectful environment.” This attitude is condescending, elitist, and damaging to animal self-esteem and autonomy. Please educate yourself.

By completing this questionnaire, you help us in determining whether you and your family are indeed ready for pet guardianship, and if the animal (fur human) you are interested in would suit your (almost certainly unsatisfactory) lifestyle. Should you agree that adopting a pet is a commitment throughout this lifetime (and any afterlives, depending on your pet’s personal spiritual beliefs which are entirely valid and not to be criticized) of your companion animal, please fill out this questionnaire.

ANIMAL(S) OF INTEREST: This is a trick question. If you choose more than one animal, we will know you are not serious about any of them. If you choose only one animal, we will know you are almost certainly an emotional sadist bent on dominating that pet in particular, and there is something deeply wrong with you. Zero points.

YOUR NAME: (All answers are wrong)

NAME OF SPOUSE: (If married, deduct one point; they are already emotionally committed to another human being and will likely mistreat any animals that come into their home. If unmarried, deduct one point; they are incapable of forming long-lasting relationships and will probably move away and leave the dog chained up in the yard during a rainstorm)

NAME OF ADDITIONAL LOVE-RECIPIENTS/SWEETIES/CO-SLEEPERS/BEDMATES: (Deduct a point for each additional polyamorous partner that lives in the house with them; add half a point for each parter who lives out-of-state)

STREET ADDRESS: (Wrong)

HOME PHONE: (Deduct ten points for any phone numbers beginning with an area code)

WORK PHONE: (They should not have a work phone)

OCCUPATION: (They should quit their job in order to care for their forever animal companion but still make enough money from it to maintain an appropriate animal lifestyle. At the minimum, they should make enough money to keep the animal on dialysis for at least fourteen years if necessary)

SPOUSE’S OCCUPATION: (Wrong)

WORK HOURS: (Any amount is too much)

TYPE OF DWELLING: (Bungalows are acceptable; cottages are not. It goes without saying that apartments are unacceptable)

OWN OR RENT: (Owners have clearly bought into capitalistic notions of ‘owning’ and ‘being in control of’ their circumstances and will almost certainly beat any cats brought into ‘their’ home; renters are untrustworthy drifters)

SIZE OF YARD:

DO YOU HAVE A POOL? (“Drowning container”)

Would you be willing to allow one of our rescue volunteers to move in with you and engage in a romantic relationship with you for at least in six months in order to gauge your emotional stability/willingness to unload the dishwasher even if it’s not your turn?

Do you currently have a pet? (If yes, who is to say their first pet will not take precedence over the new one? If no, who is to say the new animal will not wither and die from loneliness?)

Have you ever owned a pet before? (Why did you let it die? How could any loving pet guardian allow the passage of time to wreak havoc on a beloved companion? What is the matter with you?)

What is your primary reason for adopting a pet? (Jealousy, spite, revenge, emotional sadism)

Where would your pet sleep? Would you be willing to sleep on the floor if your pet indicated it wanted to sleep on your bed undisturbed? Would you be willing to sleep outside, in the rain, if your pet indicated it? 

How many hours a day would your pet be left alone? (All answers are wrong)

Draw a map of all the places in the house your pet could go. 

Have you ever gone on vacation? Why would you still need a vacation if you had one of our rescue animals as a companion? Who would feed it antidepressants from an eyedropper if you went away even for a weekend?

What would you feed your pet? 

A. Only pre-chewed food out of my mouth as we stare into one another’s eyes
B. Flesh from my own body
C. Trick question; feeding animals is an act of cruelty and human oppression
D. Crisp $50 bills

Isn’t it inherently coercive for the two of us — both humans — to determine the fate of another living creature via questionnaire instead of letting it choose for itself where to live? 

Would you be willing to donate a kidney to a pet that needed it? Would you be willing to go on a round of experimental medication designed to turn your human kidney into a dog kidney before donating your kidney? If not, why?

Have you been trained in recognizing the signs in animal depression?

What if your companion animal was ever sad or bored ever for even a single second?

If you became ill and died before your pet, how would you explain this selfish, self-indulgent behavior to Animal God?

*We find the term “adopts” problematic as it reinforces an owner/owned, parent/pet, human/animal, master/subaltern dynamic and reject it in favor of less loaded terms like “co-reside,” “engage on this journey of life together,” or “mutual existence”

*The word “animal” is an act of violence and corporate fascism

*Ditto

Read more Animal Rescue Questionnaire: Are You Good Enough To Save This Dog? at The Toast.

06 Mar 23:44

Military Sexual Assault Bill Dies in the Senate

by Anna Minard
Steve Dyer

Holy game of cards

From the New York Times:

The Senate on Thursday rejected a controversial bipartisan bill to remove military commanders from decisions over the prosecution of sexual assault cases in the armed forces, delivering a defeat to advocacy groups who argued that wholesale changes are necessary to combat an epidemic of rapes and sexual assaults in the military.

The measure, pushed by Senator Kirsten E. Gillibrand, Democrat of New York, received 55 votes—five short of the 60 votes needed for advancement to a floor vote—after Ms. Gillibrand’s fellow Democrat, Senator Clare McCaskill of Missouri, led the charge to block its advancement. The vote came after a debate on the Senate floor filled with drama and accusations that Ms. Gillibrand and her allies were misguided...

Several Republicans, including Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky and Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa, supported the Gillibrand proposal, and expressed deep frustration with the military’s failure to stem the number of sexual assaults. Congress began scrutinizing the sexual assault problem in the military after a recent series of highly publicized cases, including one at the Naval Academy, and after the release of new data from the Pentagon on the issue. On Sept. 30, 2013, the end of the last fiscal year, about 1,600 sexual assault cases in the military were either awaiting action from commanders or the completion of a criminal investigation.

Critics of the military’s handling of such cases say that the official numbers represent a tiny percentage of sexual assault cases, while Ms. Gillibrand said that only one in 10 sexual assault cases were reported. She and her supporters argue that forcing sexual assault victims to go to their commanders to report cases is similar to forcing a woman to tell her father that her brother has sexually assaulted her.

Because commanders often know both the victims and the alleged abusers, Ms. Gillibrand’s supporters say, victims often shy away from reporting abuse. Military commanders, they say, have not proven themselves able to deal with the issue.

I'm so angry I can't actually process it effectively enough even to SLOG FEMINIST RANT about it. This shit is unacceptable.

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06 Mar 23:09

via

Steve Dyer

please kill me swiftly















via

06 Mar 16:27

FAQ: Common Misconceptions About the Fire Department, by Brian Agler and Luke Burns

by Brian Boone, Editor
Steve Dyer

HEY GUYS

by Brian Boone, Editor

Q: So what exactly is this “fire department”? I’ve heard a lot about it and I’m not sure it’s right for me.

A: The fire department is an organization that puts out fires. If your house is on fire, you should call the fire department.

 

Q: It sounds like the fire department starts fires. Are you sure the fire department doesn’t bring fire to my house? The last thing I need is someone coming here and giving me fire.

A: Despite the name, the fire department actually removes fire from your home. Think of it as an “anti-fire department” if that makes it easier. Rest assured, the fire department is 100% opposed to fire. We guarantee that after our visit, you will have an amount of fire less than or equal to the amount of fire you had before. The fire department will never give you more fire.

 

Q: How much does it cost to get rid of my fire?

A: The fire department puts out fires completely free of charge.

 

Q: Even if I have a lot of fire? Surely they must charge something. What’s the catch?

A: No catch! There are no hidden fees, and we promise that our firemen will be at the site of your fire in 30 minutes or less.

 

Q: What kind of creatures are the ”fire-men”? Are they men made of fire? That sounds scary.

A: Don’t worry. Firemen—or firefighters, if you prefer—are normal men and women who are specially trained to fight fires. They are not made of fire.

 

Q: How do the fire-men take the fire away? Is there some kind of special sack that they put the fire in?

A: The fire department uses hoses filled with water to put out the fire.

 

Q: How does the fire department know that these hoses aren’t filled with more fire?

A: We do a daily check to make sure that the hoses are filled with water, not more fire.

 

Q: Shouldn’t it be called the water department?

A: We tried that but were overwhelmed by calls from people who wanted to be saved from drowning or to get advice about what kind of bathing suit to buy.

 

Q: Why do I need the fire department? If they just use water, why can’t I just get some from my faucet?

A: You could try, but it probably wouldn’t be enough; you need a lot of water to put out a fire. The fire department has fire trucks that take large amounts of water and spray it on the fire, which is much more efficient.

 

Q: I suppose these “fire-trucks” are also not made of fire?

A: No, they are normal trucks. Although they are painted bright red.

 

Q: If I punch the fire, will it go away?

A: No. In fact you would most likely burn your hand, which would require you to call an ambulance, which is a whole separate issue.

 

Q: Let’s say my house is on fire and I’ve got the grill going in my living room, as I often do. Will the fire department and the fire-men put out the fire in my grill—which I still want, mind you—as well as the fire burning my walls and chairs and body?

A: Unfortunately, yes. Firefighters don’t have time to distinguish between different types of fire. If they see fire, they’re going to put it out. End of discussion.

 

Q: Is it possible for me to just learn to live with my fire, rather than call the fire department?

A: Many people prefer to manage their fire on a day-to-day basis without any fire department intervention, though this is not something that the fire department recommends. Sure, the extra heat is nice in the winter, but the smoke can make it difficult to watch TV, and it will be impossible to prevent your marshmallows from becoming toasted—and sometimes you just want a regular marshmallow, you know?

 

Q: Now what’s this I hear about fire-dogs? Are the fire-dogs painted bright red like the trucks?

A: No, they are white with black spots.

 

Q: Like a zebra?

A: Kind of. Not really.

 

Q: Another animal question: Is it true you also get cats out of trees?

A: Yes.

 

Q: Then shouldn't you be called the cat department?

A: All right, you know what? If your house is on fire you should call the fire department.  Otherwise, just leave us alone.

 

Brian Agler is a writer living Brooklyn. His work has appeared online in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and in real life at various shows throughout New York City. He also tweets, if that's something you're in to.

Luke Burns is a writing guy who lives in New York City.  His work recently appeared in The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.  Sometimes he tweets a little (@lukevburns). Also he has a website.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

 

0 Comments
03 Mar 18:21

Photo

Steve Dyer

leveled up



















03 Mar 16:02

Leonardo DiCaprio when Matthew Mcconaughey's name was called

image

03 Mar 16:01

Next time Leo.

by 90s90s90s


















Next time Leo.

03 Mar 14:59

noturaveragesavage: What have I become….

by sleep


noturaveragesavage:

What have I become….

01 Mar 15:13

Photo

Steve Dyer

This interview was so good.







28 Feb 17:12

pizzaforpresident: Flappy Pipe

by taco-bell-rey


pizzaforpresident:

Flappy Pipe