never knew how much I needed this
At the end of this review, I will quit my job.
“Free Snacks” is the first episode of Girls credited to Paul Simms, one of those TV writers whose work I will always be curious about because he worked on The Larry Sanders Show and then created NewsRadio, before becoming a strange, dyspeptic prophet in David Wild’s essential behind-the-scenes TV tome The Showrunners. (Not that anybody was paying any attention to what he had to say in that book.) As you might expect, Simms nails the office politics scenes, the way that a young and overeager Hannah has great ideas but also shifts focus of the meeting away from those who’ve been there longer, further irritating Kevin, or the way that her new friend, Joe, nurses a crush on their fellow coworker, Karen, but doesn’t want to ask her out because he did that once (almost) and ...
Last season, the Superdome's lights suddenly shut off -- right in the middle of the Super Bowl. No matter the reason, it was a poor decision to turn them off, and the NFL should think carefully before doing the same this year.
Last year, 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh led his team against the Ravens and their head coach, head coach John Harbaugh. It really was truly a family affair. In the third quarter, however, this family affair ran family afoul: the lights in the Superdome shut off. Right in the middle of the game.
Why did they decide to turn off the lights in the middle of the game? And why did they have to do so during one of the biggest and most-watched NFL games of the entire season? You, the reader, cannot answer these questions (except for in the comments section, which I never read), so I will fight for you and serve as your voice.
Together, we must deliver a message to the NFL: Don't do this again. Don't turn off the lights right in the middle of the Super Bowl. Here are three reasons why:
Whether your favorite player in the Super Bowl is Tarvaris Jackson, Russell Wilson, Derrick Coleman, Marshawn Lynch, Christine Michael, Robert Turbin, Spencer Ware, Michael Robinson, Doug Baldwin, Percy Harvin, Jermaine Kearse, Ricardo Lockett, Sidney Rice, Golden Tate, Bryan Walters, Kellen Davis, Anthony McCoy, Zach Miller, Luke Willson, Max Unger, James Carpenter, Lemuel Jeanpierre, Paul McQuistan, J.R. Sweezy, Alvin Bailey, Alvin Bailey, Michael Bowie, Breno Giacomini, Caylin Hauptmann, Russell Okung, Cliff Avril, Michael Bennett, Kenneth Boatribght, Red Bryant, Chris Clemons, Bruce Irvin, Benson Mayowa, Greg Scruggs, Jordan Hill, Tony McDaniel, Clinton McDonald, Brandon Mebane, Jesse Williams, Heath Farwell, Mike Morgan, O'Brien Schofield, Malcolm Smith, Bobby Wagner, K.J. Wright, Brandon Browner, Chandler Fenner, Jeremy Lane, Byron Maxwell, DeShawn Shead, Richard Sherman, Tharold Simon, Walter Thurmond, Kam Chancellor, Jeron Johnson, Chris Maragos, Earl Thomas, Steven Hauschka, Jon Ryan, Clint Gresham, Zac Dysert, Peyton Manning, Brock Osweiler, C.J. Anderson, Montee Ball, Ronnie Hillman, Knowshon Moreno, Andre Caldwell, Eric Decker, Trindon Holliday, Deymarius Thomas, Wes Welker, Joel Dreessen, Virgil Green, Jacob Tamme, Adlai Stevenson V, Julius Thomas, Dan Koppen, Manny Ramirez, Steve Vallos, Zane Beadles, Chris Kuper, Louis Vasquez, Ryan Clady, Chris Clark, Orlando Franklin, Winston Justice, Vinston Painter, Robert Ayers, Malik Jackson, Shaun Phillips, Quanterus Smith, Derek Wolf, Sione Fua, Terrance Knighton, Mitch Unrein, Kevin Vickerson, Sylvester Williams, Jeremy Mincey, Stewart Bradley, Nate Irving, Steven Johnson, Paris Lenon, Brandon Marshall, Lerentee McCray, Von Miller, Danny Trevathan, Wesley Woodyard, Champ Bailey, Tony Carter, Marquice Cole, Chris Harris, Quentin Jammer, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Kayvon Webster, Mike Adams, Omar Bolden, David Bruton, Quinton Carter, Michael Huff, Duke Ihenacho, Rahim Moore, Matt Prater, Britton Colquitt, or Aaron Brewer, if they decide to turn off the lights in the middle of the Super Bowl again, it won't matter. You will not even be able to see your favorite player.
If you really are fine with a Super Bowl without lights, well, be my guest. Don't even bother to tune in. Just watch this three-hour GIF.
I hope you had fun. Speaking only for myself, I'd rather catch all the action, rather than go through the chore of actually reading about it later. It's monotonous enough for me to have to read the stuff I write as I'm writing it; I'm certainly not going to sit through someone else's words. Lots of folks spend all day going, "hmm, well I think, hmmmmmmmm," while drumming their fingers, and they have the good sense not to drum them on a keyboard and waste everyone else's time.
Keep in mind that Americans aren't the only folks who will be tuning in. The Super Bowl has become a truly international affair. In fact, if you add up all the viewers from America and the rest of the world combined, as many as one million people will be watching. An unlit Super Bowl would cast the most unflattering light upon our sport and our country -- figuratively -- because there would be no light at all.
According to the blog Energy Electricity, the electric bill for Super Bowl XLV -- which was held in Dallas -- probably totaled about $7,500. Just for good measure, let's be generous and suppose that this year's Super Bowl will generate a $10,000 bill from the power company.
That is nothing. That is a drop in the bucket.
The Big Game is Big Business for the NFL and advertisers alike. I feel very strongly that this is true, and have for quite some time. Considering the revenue generated by advertising, merchandising, and ticket sales, the NFL could be looking at a pay day as large as $1 million.
It's well-documented that humans have difficulty conceptualizing numbers that large, so think of it a different way: the revenue in the above chart is exactly 100 times greater than the power bill.
I understand that we live in a capitalist society, and that the NFL, like any other corporation, is ultimately in pursuit of money. But last year, their decision to shut off the lights didn't save them any money at all in the long run. And those who fail to learn from the past deserve neither liberty nor safety. (Benjamin Franklin.)
There are only two situations in which darkness is appropriate: sleeping, and having sex with your friends. I can't imagine attempting to play a sport as dependent upon vision as football. Just ask Jim "Eyes" Brown and Joe "Seeing Things" Montana what their careers would have been like had their respective fields of play lacked proper lighting. Those weren't their nicknames; I was simply having a laugh.
So NFL, if you want to stay in the dark, that's your prerogative.
But remember, fans: if they do decide to turn off the lights in the middle of the Super Bowl again, they cannot take away our terrific and fun videos. Here is one, though there are probably dozens.
Harrison Ford has been the lone Star Wars VII hold out from the original trio of Luke, Leia and Han. As of two weeks ago even, Ford had yet to sign on the for the film and public stated he was “undecided” appearing in the sequel trilogy.
Today comes a report by way of JediNews that Harrison Ford is one signature away from appearing again as Han Solo in multi film deal that exceeds just Star Wars VII. But part of that deal could also mean that we’re going to get an Indiana Jones 5… whether we want it or not.
According to the site:
Ford wanted a commitment to Indy 5. He did not get this as there is no plot line or script in place. What did happen was an agreement was made wherein an outline would be developed by the end of calendar year 2014, and if all parties can agree to it moving forward, efforts would be made to move on Indy 5 for release before the end of 2016.
Ford was talking about his desire for Indiana Jones 5 as recently as April, so it’s not all that shocking that he would wrap one Lucasfilm project in with another. And despite its detractors, Indy 4 did make 3/4 of a billion dollars at the global box office. Seems like a win-win for Lucasfilm and Ford. Now if only anyone actually wanted an Indiana Jones 5, everything would be a-ok.
Were it not for this person, the time and date of your fantasy draft would be reasonably easy to set. Unfortunately, this person does not receive group texts and only checks his email once a week, leaving the commissioner to text back and forth with him for weeks.
Everyone else is at the mercy of this person, who has a schedule packed full of thoroughly unimportant things. They aren't work commitments, weddings or anything of the sort. They are activities that could easily be postponed or rescheduled for the benefit of everyone else in the league.
Thanks to this person, the commissioner must enter a labyrinthine phone-tag maze, maintaining multiple circles of communication and serving as this individual's personal agent and spokesman.
If you are the commissioner, you will bend over backwards to accommodate this person. After you annoy the Hell out of everyone else and reschedule the draft several times over, this person may or may not actually bother to come. If this person does show up, you will probably only see, like, his lower leg and part of his knee, because most of him is stuck in another temporal realm. You will still hear his voice, albeit in murky echoes, as he whines about everyone else taking too long to draft.
These things are true for me, and for 95 percent of you:
a) In the absence of obvious indicators (legal problems, injuries, losing the starting job, fantasy experts overwhelmingly talking a player up or down), you are not smarter than the pre-ranked draft order. You might feel like a player will "work well in his team's new system" or "feel the need to prove himself this year," but you actually have zero clue.
b) If you are trying to choose between two players, the difference in value between the two will probably not be large enough for you to stress out over. If it is, it will be for reasons you are not smart or informed enough to identify.
Unfortunately for you and your enjoyment of the fantasy football experience, you are not smart enough to know that you are not smart enough.
NFL players at skill positions have been scouted by dozens of experts for several years. Coaches endlessly study their game tape. General managers are perpetually trying to assess their worth. Right now, you are trying to one-up them with two minutes of Googling.
You will panic. You should have been reading this stuff while other managers were drafting, but you spent the last 15 minutes getting into a debate over -- and this is a universal certainty -- Libertarian politics.
This will severely compromise your enjoyment of the draft, and by the end of the night you will believe that drafting fantasy football teams for you is the responsibility of the government.
This really did happen one time. You know who you are.
The League is a kind-of-funny television program. I've probably seen a dozen or so episodes of it, had some laughs and at this point remember almost nothing that happened. It's just that kind of show to me: completely forgettable and somewhat enjoyable. That's cool. To your friend, it is a nexus of perpetual entertainment, and the lens through which the universe is perceived.
This person uses the term "trade rape" a lot. Ah, shit. This person is you, isn't it?
Real-life Shonn Greene is a perfectly talented running back who is probably a nice enough guy. Fantasy Shonn Greene represents the universal line of demarcation between players worth getting excited about and players who will disappoint you terribly.
Every single team in your league will have Shonn Greene at some point in the season. He'll be traded, dropped, added, dropped, traded, added and dropped. This is guaranteed, so drafting him would be a waste of a pick, but this person will draft him anyway.
This person could very well be me or you. In the 10th round, this person will realize he needs an insurance back on the bench. He'll be right there.
And if you draft him, he will haunt you for the entire season. He will rush for 53 yards and a touchdown the first game. You will start him in Week 2, and he will rush for 13 yards. Desperate to trade him while he has any value at all, you will trade him away for Philip Rivers, and how happy you are about this will be a testament to how miserable and broken Shonn Greene has made you.
He will ruin your winter. He will be everywhere, and he will never leave.
Don't draft Shonn Greene. Someone will draft Shonn Greene. Don't, though.
For further reading: The five people you meet at every Super Bowl party
Adele’s theme to Skyfall is the best James Bond song since Goldfinger, restoring a bit of honor and award-winning class to the legacy of a group of songs that increasingly went off the rails. (Sheryl Crow for Tomorrow Never Dies, Madonna for Die Another Day). Though not many artists can match Adele’s range or vocal intensity, the Russian Army Choir performed a surprisingly amazing cover on a Russian morning show. The seven-man choir, in full army regalia and all legally straight, is led by a soulful and lilting soloist and stunned the hosts, who just can’t stop bobbing along to the song. Though they are singing along to a backing track, it’s hard to imagine anyone coming this close to equaling Adele.Read more
Well who am I to question Badass Digest?