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31 Jul 13:00

Emergency Departments Implement New Triage Form to Screen Patients for Actual Disease

by Harvey Wallbanger

New York, NY – Myocardial infarction, sub-arachnoid hemorrhage, sepsis, diabetic keto-acidosis:  These are examples of what the medical community regards as “real diseases.” Unfortunately, our nation’s emergency department doctors and nurses are plagued with the task of sifting through legions of manipulative pretenders in order to find those patients that actually need help.

iStock_000011670311Small

ER has never been more stream-lined

The Lancet of Emergency Medicine has recently published a triage form that accurately identifies patients that are actually sick.  The decision tool is called AYAS (Are You Actually Sick)  and it is rapidly being implemented in many emergency departments.  The components of the AYAS decision tool are listed below.

Every “yes” answer is worth one point unless otherwise stated

  1. Is the patient wearing sunglasses indoors?
  2. Does the patient request that his/her entire posse* be allowed into the ER room with them?
  3. Does the patient have >2 medical allergies?
  4. Does the patient have >2 piercings on non-auricular sites?
  5. Did the patient use the phrase “I KNOW my body!! (extra point if the patient snaps his/her fingers on the word “KNOW”)
  6. Could the patient’s first name make a halfway decent stripper name? (examples include Amber, Destinee, or Misty)
  7. Did the individual and a family member both check in as patients at the same time (extra point for each additional family member)
  8. Did the fully-grown adult patient bring blankets from home to the ER (extra point for a stuffed animal)
  9. Did you know the patient’s name before he/she showed you a form of identification?
  10. Is the patient crying loudly despite lack of kidney stone, gonad torsion, active labor, penetrating wound, severe blunt trauma, or dislocated joint?
  11. Did the patient try to convince you of his/her high pain tolerance?

*posse: 2 or more non-related individuals that accompany the patient everywhere

After using the screening tool, the triage nurse totals the score.  The results are interpreted by the score chart.

0 Actual disease possible
1-3 Actual disease unlikley
4-6 No testing needed, offer them 20 percocets to leave
6-8 Page psych
>9 Pretend to not understand english until the patient gives up and goes to another ER.  Consider having a pseudoseizure

So far, emergency department staff are thrilled with the results.  Elaine Dickenson, an ER nurse from Queens, says, “I was able to discharge 30% of the patents from triage! Our wait times have hit the floor!”

ER physician Michael Duncan agrees, “And it’s no surprise that there have been no bad outcomes from implementing this decision tool. ER staff have known for decades that people that would score high on a decision tool such as AYAS are always full of bullshit and are never actually sick.  This study is a God-send because it allows us to act on what we already know to be 100% true!”

Havard, Johns Hopkins, and other pretigious medical programs are already working to validate a modified AYAS decision tool that adds 10 points if the patient has fibromyalgia, psychogenic seizures, or the nerve to mention a gluten intolerance as a legitimate allergy.

 

The post Emergency Departments Implement New Triage Form to Screen Patients for Actual Disease appeared first on Medical Satire - GomerBlog.

31 Jul 15:40

He's at it again :)

30 Jul 18:27

Missing Drink

30 Jul 20:36

I'm going to need this, being the internet and all.

31 Jul 03:01

MFW I'm crowned King of the Galaxy for taking a swing at the Biebs.

31 Jul 03:01

Nearly got hit by a Prius in a parking lot. Made me think of this.

31 Jul 03:01

Saw this gif the other day, decided to caption it

31 Jul 03:01

I agree

31 Jul 09:01

Star Wars

30 Jul 12:26

Falkirk Wheel in Scotland

30 Jul 09:04

Deadpool test footage

29 Jul 11:58

Okay, "Horns" looks pretty damn good...

29 Jul 09:17

Best Review Ever

29 Jul 00:28

Going to hell anyone want a pepsi ?

28 Jul 19:46

Damnit Hal

28 Jul 03:42

There is not a good title for this

28 Jul 08:58

There is no wealth like knowledge, and no poverty like ignorance.

28 Jul 08:58

For the first time in my lifetime the leader of the Catholic church is acting the way I imagine Jesus would have

28 Jul 08:58

Saw this line on a kik thread on /b/ last night, thanks anon.

28 Jul 10:22

That good enough for me.

28 Jul 12:04

In lieu of first favorites, this immaculate post still makes me laugh my bollocks off.

27 Jul 18:10

Hand over the dough or i'll cut you-Pizza cutter

26 Jul 18:21

Thats Racist

26 Jul 20:44

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ImgurGallery/~3/6Rx0Xq814vI/oOYAkHD

25 Jul 17:16

Wipe and wipe and wipe..

26 Jul 06:21

Last night's winning hand of Cards Against Humanity (x-post from r/cardsagainsthumanity)

26 Jul 08:02

So Wells Fargo says we never turned in the keys to our safe deposit box (we did) and we owe them $210. I wrote this letter in response.

26 Jul 04:00

July 26, 2014


26 Jul 12:44

The true meaning of words

25 Jul 04:00

July 25, 2014


So, it turns out yesterday's comic was super similar to this Abstruse Goose comic. Thanks for alerting me. As far as I know, I had never seen that particular comic. Sorry!