WASHINGTON, DC: In a bold first move since his recent appointment by President Obama as “Ebola Czar,” Ron Klain will quarantine the entire US Navy after learning that the virus is readily carried in semen.
His announcement comes on the heels of widespread criticism of his lack of qualifications for the job. He defended his decision at yesterday’s press conference in Washington.
“I may have absolutely no science background or training, but I understand basic epidemiology. I am a lawyer and a politician by the grace of God, but it doesn’t take a Ph.D in microbiology to know that to control a disease outbreak, one has to control the source of its spread. I haven’t worked a day in health care in my life, but as soon as I heard via a Powerpoint presentation that high concentrations of the virus are present in semen, I took immediate action.”
Klain went on to explain how he did take a biology class in tenth grade, and that “just being at Harvard” prepared him to tackle any challenge life throws at him. “I dissected a frog in addition to a slimy slug, and I really think that will help me lead the nation in protecting us from Ebola.”
At press time, 26 Naval vessels were being quarantined at the pier, and liberty was once again canceled for all Navy personnel. Soldiers, Airmen, and Marines will not be affected, unless they have been in contact with Seamen.
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ATLANTA – Yesterday, the CDC finally established a link explaining a frightening and puzzling Ebola case. A patient with no known Ebola exposures in Raleigh, NC fell ill with the virus last week and had investigators scrambling to explain how it was contracted. Despite exhaustive and painstaking steps to connect the dots, the investigators found no promising leads until they turned to an unlikely source — the mail.
Charles Hankford, 57, of Raleigh, is seriously ill and battling the Ebola virus at a North Carolina hospital. While he had visited Dallas and made a trip to Texas Presbyterian in early September, there were no cases of Ebola at the hospital until weeks later, making an exposure impossible.
In Mid-October, however, Hankford was mailed a Patient Satisfaction survey from Texas Presbyterian asking him to rate the care provided during his ER visit. Little did he know that the outgoing mail had been contaminated with Ebola. He filled out the survey and mailed it back.
About 8-10 days after returning the survey, Hankford quickly became ill and presented to a local ER. He was ultimately diagnosed with Ebola, and is being treated in an isolation room.
Kristen Katzmann, MD, Ph. D, MPH, JD, MS, the CDC’s Ebola Emperor, was reached for comments regarding the case and its transmission.
“We are urging that no citizen open up or even touch these patient satisfaction surveys until further notice. Build a small fire outdoors, pick up the survey with a pair of kitchen tongs, then incinerate the survey and tongs. As far as email surveys are concerned, we recommend that you delete them immediately without opening. Our concern is that the virus could mutate to a computer-borne strain, and it isn’t worth taking the chance. I mean, everyone knows this patient satisfaction data is meaningless, anyway. If you were happy with the care you received in a particular hospital, just voice your satisfaction by going there again when you need medical care.”
Katzmann was aked why the virus almost seemed to “choose” to travel via healthcare satisfaction surveys instead of other forms of mail:
“My best explanation is that viruses are obligate parasites, and somehow the virus could sense that the multi-million dollar side industry of satisfaction data collection is just an obligate parasite on healthcare in America. Birds of a feather flock together, and all.”
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